Actions and Consequences, Part V
A Note from Fatty: This is the fifth part in the “Actions and Consequences” story. But hey, at least the parts are of reasonable length. To go back and read this in sequence, here’s what’s led up to this installment:
“I don’t think your wheel’s going to hold for another hundred miles,” I told The Hammer. “And I don’t want to risk it blowing on you during a fast descent.”
I am so chivalrous.
Although I must admit that the more chivalrous action would have been to trade her front wheel for mine, which did not even occur to me until this very second.
Chivalry isn’t dead; it’s just not that bright.
The Hammer agreed (about the tire, I mean, not the chivalry). As unhappy as we were to admit it, this ride was going to need to be shortened.
OK, I’m going to be honest here: I was kind of torn between being sad about abandoning a ride…and being happy to suddenly discover my next six-plus hours no longer consisted exclusively of riding a time trial bike.
But I did my best to appear straight-up sad, as a solidarity play.
“So who should we call?” I asked. Which led to some back-and-forth, because we were about to ask someone to drive around 160-200 miles for us as a favor. We quickly narrowed the options down to two:
- The Hammer’s second-born son, The IT Guy, who lives in Orem, is in his early twenties, and knows his way around everywhere — including the backroads we were on — pretty well. There was a good chance, though, he’d be busy.
- My second-born son, who lives in Alpine, which is around 20 miles further away from where we were than The IT Guy was. He’s seventeen years old and and is not super-familiar with the area, but pretty good with the “Find My Friends” feature and mapping software on iPhones. Very likely to be available.
Either one, we reasoned, would be able to find us…but the IT Guy was twenty minutes closer, so we called him. Could he come pick us up?
Yes, he said, he could.
Getting Philosophical
With the IT Guy on his 80-mile way to pick us up for our Ride of Shame, we had about an hour and a half of time to kill.
“Let’s see how far we can get before the tire blows or he picks us up,” The Hammer suggested. Which sounded good to me.
We talked as we rode about the decisions we had made, and how they had affected us.
“If we had turned around when your computer said 100 instead of mine [Note from Fatty: My computer hitting 100 first was due at least partially to me doubling back to pick up the wrapper I had dropped], we wouldn’t be in this predicament,” The Hammer observed.
That was true; we had hit the patch of glass almost immediately upon turning around. ”But it isn’t that simple,” I replied. “If we had stuck to the original riding plan and ridden out past Cedar Fort toward Toole and then doubled back before heading out this way, we would have turned around long before you hit this patch of glass.”
“So,” I said, “It’s every bit as much because of me as you that this happened.”
“And I guess something else could have happened on the way to Cedar Fort,” The Hammer mused.
Reversing a Decision
It had started raining, but not really badly. And The Hammer’s tire seemed to be holding out fine. And the idea of ending a 200 mile ride at mile hundred-and-something seemed kind of like walking out of a movie partway through.
“Why don’t you call The IT Guy back?” I asked. “Your tire seems to be holding up. I think we should keep going.”
Clearly, The Hammer had been thinking the same thing, because she didn’t even reply. She just hit the speed-dial button on her phone.
“We think we’re going to keep going,” she told him.
“Well, I’m already a good chunk of the way there,” the IT Guy said. “I’ll just come by anyway and bring you a drink or something.”
“No, really, you don’t need to come.”
“Well too bad. I’m coming.”
That kid’s so stubborn.
Which, as it turns out, was very lucky for us.
And you’ll find out why when I pick this story up Monday.
PS: Really, it was unrealistic of me to think I’d finish this story today. Here’s why. Before beginning this story, I made a list of the important events that happened in it. Generally, I’m getting through 5-8 of those bullets per installment. At the beginning of today’s post, I still had 15. Now there are 8. So I’ll probably finish either Monday or Tuesday.
PPS: Have a good weekend!
Comment by Geri | 09.13.2013 | 8:06 am
You are an evil evil little man.
Comment by Kristina | 09.13.2013 | 8:08 am
NOOOOOOOO!! I withdraw my previous statement. The short, frequent posts are NOT better. Instead of compulsively checking your blog late in the day hoping in vain for a post, I wound up refreshing your blog four hours before I am normally up and checking it, looking for the conclusion. AND IT ISN’T HERE!
Kidding.
Mostly.
Comment by NoTrail | 09.13.2013 | 8:10 am
What ever happened to instant gratification? This whole ‘having to return another day just to find out what happened to you guys’ is torture.
But I’ll play along and return on Monday.
Comment by Sunny | 09.13.2013 | 8:11 am
I hate you…see you Monday!!! haha
Comment by ERIN | 09.13.2013 | 8:13 am
I have to wait all weekend? Oh dear.
Comment by Brian in VA | 09.13.2013 | 8:15 am
Recognizing that the blog is all about you, Fatty, you take your time getting to the conclusion. The rest of us will just hang around, waiting for you. Tapping our collective feet while refreshing our collective browsers.
Fortunately, I have a busy weekend that includes several rides so, I’m good.
Comment by wharton_crew | 09.13.2013 | 8:15 am
Chivalry isn’t dead; it’s just not that bright.
…BRILLIANT!! I have to show this to my wife – it will explain so much to her over the past 14 years!
Comment by Christina | 09.13.2013 | 8:16 am
Earlier this summer, on a 100-mile supported ride, the sag sweep came through at a stationary sag and reported back, “There’s still 5 riders back, but two are almost here and the other three are together and say they don’t need support.” That was when I said, “I still need support!” It had been a hard day, but I was determined to finish. I was facing strong headwinds and I was chasing down two other people when a sag bus (the city supports this ride) pulled up and they both threw their bikes on. The bus had stopped by me, but I waved it on. It’s such a lonely feeling when you start to wonder if you’re the last person out there. Also, mentally, it’s that feeling of, “They’ll never find my body. They’ll find my skeleton with my road ID still around the wrist.”
So, uh, what I’m trying to say is this: never call off your support vehicle. The universe will hear you and laugh. Always keep support.
Comment by slo joe | 09.13.2013 | 8:20 am
Balderdash!!
We can see through you. You never intended to finish this today knowing you could hang us over the cliff for another two days. In the meantime I making up my own ending or two or three or……
ride long and prosper
Comment by Davidh-marin,ca | 09.13.2013 | 8:26 am
Yeah!!!!
More parts!
So 6 or seven parts for this 100+ mile ride. Anyone want to speculate on how many installments to cover the Salt to Saint., 400 mile Solo effort? Or, if not installments, words?
Now there’s a contest.
Comment by Rob L | 09.13.2013 | 8:27 am
Ever thought about being a screen writer???
Comment by Chilly Willy | 09.13.2013 | 8:43 am
On the plus side, you get a whole lot more hits on your blog.
On the minus side, your loyal readers die the death of a thousand cuts with every mini cliffhanger.
I must be a masochist – I kind of like it.
Comment by Kristina | 09.13.2013 | 9:09 am
@Davidh-marin,ca… in this short-snippet format, I’d wager that will provide him with at LEAST 3.5 weeks (or 18 installments) of material. These five pieces total about 3,800 words (leaving off the intros, which I arbitrarily decided do not count), averaging 760 words per post…
18 posts at 760 words is 13,680, but Fatty tends to have the posts run longer as he gets to the conclusion. It’s a bit of a gamble since we don’t have much data for this new, short-snippet series format, but I’ll put my money on 16,623 words.
According to Wikipedia, that word count would put him on the high end of the ‘novelette’ category, which is considerably longer than a short story but not quite long enough to qualify as a novella.
Could someone please ask another rhetorical question so I can continue procrastinating by providing a ridiculously over-specific answer?
Comment by Lea | 09.13.2013 | 9:18 am
The suspense is fun! I like the short posts more because of it.
Comment by GenghisKhan | 09.13.2013 | 9:21 am
Did you just do a math story problem to tell us when you might finish this tale of your grand adventure? Math?! Who’d have thought that’d ever be valuable outside of school. Go figure (hey, that’s a math term!). And go have a good weekend, too!
Comment by Wife#1 | 09.13.2013 | 9:23 am
MEAN! You’re mean! By god I never would have expected it from you, the king of do-gooderisms.
Apparently your day job did not call for you to take the “Do No Harm” oath.
$%#@^!)
Comment by leroy | 09.13.2013 | 9:27 am
Ride Report, Last Night’s Commute –
Called home to check the weather. My dog did a convincing impression of Bill Murray in Caddy Shack: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t3lshY4PwI4
I should have remembered how that scene turned out.
Spent some time in a small, covered public plaza near the Mid-Town Tunnel waiting for the downpour to slow and watching a cool little fountain. Then I realized the fountain was a storm drain shooting up geysers.
Saw pretty flashes in the sky while crossing the Manhattan Bridge.
The Banjo Brothers bike backpack touted by one of FC’s sponsors did a great job.
Got home and my dog told me to stay off the couch.
Well, I was wet.
And I’m sure he was just thinking of others. He’s chivalrous that way.
Comment by Diane | 09.13.2013 | 9:32 am
…ask another rhetorical question so I can continue procrastinating by providing a ridiculously over-specific answer?
@Kristina – I like how you think.
Comment by centurion | 09.13.2013 | 9:35 am
Us IT guys are smart.
Comment by robert mcmillan | 09.13.2013 | 9:38 am
finish the story on monday or tuesday? at this rate my money is on a wednesday finish
the suspense is killing me!!
Comment by Wife#1 | 09.13.2013 | 9:46 am
Since the very thin Fatcyclist has left us all wanting for the weekend, make sure you turn in for La Vuelta tomorrow! No spoilers if you did not get a chance to see or read about today’s stage yet but WOOHOO!!!!!!
Comment by rohit | 09.13.2013 | 9:50 am
I cannot wait for my kids to be old enough to be ride support. That is brilliant, just brilliant.
Comment by Jacob | 09.13.2013 | 10:02 am
How many offspring are involved in this family? It seems like every few months, more descendants are revealed in the blog. This time, they’re only implied. Who are these phantom first-born sons?
It’s not really important, of course. It just seems a little like the Brady Bunch on bikes.
Well, I brought four kids into the marriage. The Hammer brought 3. So yeah, there’s an easy Brady Bunch comparison to be made. (But only 1 of her 3 lives with us; the other two are in their twenties and live elsewhere). – FC
Comment by Jacob | 09.13.2013 | 10:04 am
Also, I agree with the IT Guy. You’ve already gotten me started well into an 80 mile trip. I’m not just going to turn around and go home.
Comment by Walter White | 09.13.2013 | 10:07 am
And I thought I was good at leaving people on the edge of their seats. Well played, sir.
Comment by Davidh-marin,ca | 09.13.2013 | 10:10 am
@Kristina So we we now know the story length (thank you, I can plan my week) Next question is should be:
How many total comments? (I realize my family and the ‘Chapek-ca-burra’, or the ‘AKChick-a-burra’ could skew that number greatly) Or, how many words within the comments?
Lastly. What kind of ‘Prize” should the winner receive? A package of Martha Wraps?
OMG!!! I’ve led a sheltered life! I just found out what ‘Martha Wrap’ is!!!! Can this be true! Can the Hammer be a CRAFTER?????
It’s for food, not for crafts. And I bought it on the recommendation of Allen Lim. It’s perfect for wrapping homemade energy food (rice cakes, two-bite pies, etc). – FC
Comment by cyclingjimbo | 09.13.2013 | 10:19 am
@Christina: ” The universe will hear you and laugh.” Great line. Love it.
Love the threads you generate with these short installments, Fatty. Your followers are almost as entertaining as you are, but the weekend wait will lead to withdrawal symptoms before the next episode.
Good weekend, all. Here’s hoping y’all have plenty to do so you don’t have to think too much about what happens next in Fatty and The Hammer’s saga.
Comment by UpTheGrade SR CA | 09.13.2013 | 10:27 am
I guess we’ll just have to let the riveting Vuelta entertain us while we await the long-drawn-out conclusion to your tale of cycling hit-and-missed-misfortune FC.
Will the tale end before Salt to Saint begins?
Will the IT guy blow a tire on the way out and have to be rescued on a TT bike?
Will someone in my age category win a top tour this weekend (Vuelta), thereby making me feel vicariously young again?
Will Fatty and the Hammer even get to eat their two-bites Pie before the weather gods intervene?
So many questions to ponder over the weekend!
Comment by Davidh-marin,ca | 09.13.2013 | 10:29 am
@Chilly Willy
On the minus side, your loyal readers die the death of a thousand cuts with every mini cliffhanger.
In keeping with the spirit of the story might I suggest ;
“….the death of a thousand punctureswith every mini cliffhanger”
Comment by Eric L | 09.13.2013 | 10:29 am
What a great serial. I rushed to read it as soon as I got to work.
As I read: “Now there are 8. So I’ll probably finish either Monday or Tuesday. PPS: Have a good weekend!”, I could just hear the organ music start and the dulcet voiced announcer say: Tune in next week for another exciting episode of The Harrowing Adventures of Fatty & The Hammer….brought to you by The Honey Stinger Waffle Company.
Can’t wait to hear the end of this now epic saga.
Comment by rich | 09.13.2013 | 10:41 am
That’s totally fine Fatty….you just take your sweet time and write when it’s convenient for you…after all, we’re only your loyal readers and don’t mind at all the suspense and the stress of waiting to see how everything works out….
(see, I can do sarcasm too) :-)
Have a great weekend!
Comment by Davidh-marin,ca | 09.13.2013 | 10:47 am
@Eric L. Great Idea! For those of us old enough(me and… well, I guess just me)
Fatty has the talent, the creativity, sponsors, and the access to a choir, I’m sure he could put together a ‘Blog Post’ in the form of a Radio Drama How cool would that be. Maybe ‘Pay to Hear’. I’m in!
That Garrison guy needs to watch his back, there could be a new Sheriff Coming!
Comment by Hautacam | 09.13.2013 | 10:56 am
I’ve been thinking this over for quite awhile (ok, for maybe 30 seconds, but it felt longer). It seems to me that where you went wrong is when you decided that it would be a good idea to take your TT bikes on a 200-mile ride.
I mean, step back and consider it for a moment: Who on EARTH goes out for an unsupported double-century on a TT bike?! That’s just nuts, and it’s the kind of thing that Nature abhors. Like a vaccuum. Hence the concatenation of Very Bad Things that followed.
The loose saddle was an omen. Tempt ye not the Cosmos!
Comment by SilentFlyer | 09.13.2013 | 11:21 am
Fatty, your blog has given me many hours of escapist enjoyment (really needed right now, two sick Moms.) And a lot of the comments are just as good (“wiping coffee off the monitor” – I almost spewed my yogurt.)
In return for this post I shall describe my shortest ride. I was about 0.3 miles into my 1.4 mile ride from train station to my office, when two things happened. The 30% chance of rain turned into 100% tropical-style, gully-washing downpour (I work in TrentoN, NJ); and I was bit hard on the leg with no warning by a very aggressive stray dog. End of ride- ambulance trip to ER, and two days off work until I could stop shaking. End of the road for the dog, too – his next move was to try to go after a county sheriff’s officer with a gun.
Still riding, different route.
Comment by Paula Webb | 09.13.2013 | 11:27 am
Arhhhhhh! Cannot wait! I was about to say that I love the mini installments because I often don’t have the time to read a really long post, but now I am not sure!
Comment by Liz M. | 09.13.2013 | 12:10 pm
I have a question — were there no bike shops in the vicinity of where you were riding, somewhere along your anticipated route or within reasonable detour distance? (Please excuse my lack of familiarity with Utah geography)
I KNOW everything turned out for the best, but you didn’t know that at the time, so I’m wondering if you were contemplating a detour for some professional help.
(And anyone else with knowledge of this route can answer this question if Fatty doesn’t get to it).
That’s a great question, and one I was asking myself. We were in between very small towns, neither of which had a bike shop — and I don’t think we would have found tubes that would work with our aero wheels (long stems needed) at a hardware store or grocery store. I was thinking we had a chance at finding a shop in Fountain Green or Nephi, the next two towns on our route. – FC
Comment by cyclingjimbo | 09.13.2013 | 12:19 pm
It is an interesting phenomenon when you are out riding and it starts to rain – at some point you figure out that you can only get so wet, so why not just carry on? The last time that happened for me, I was halfway to work when the skies opened – it was going to be just as wet either way, so I stayed with the original plan.
Comment by RoBanJo | 09.13.2013 | 12:27 pm
I love the cliff hangers. the short posts are great. My #1 rule as to whether I keep a website link on my short list – is the info stale?
Comment by @mariojas1 | 09.13.2013 | 12:36 pm
Geez! Why do I have to be that guy?
@Davidh-marin,ca – Used to wrap snacks a-la-Allen Lim in his The Feed Zone cookbook. http://velonews.competitor.com/2011/12/news/video-learn-to-make-allen-lims-famous-rice-cakes_200812
BTW, I love the cliffhangers Fatty!
Comment by SteveB | 09.13.2013 | 1:31 pm
So, I’m hoping to retire in about 5 years, give or take a year. I’m thinking I’ll be able to set myself up in retirement as a ghost writer for Fatty, finishing this story off which will by then be in installment 1832 or so…
Also (see, way too much free time today), I’m thinking we should start an annual award show for the blog comments. We’d have to form a committee to accept nominations – I’m thinking Leroy’s dog would be the chairdog of that committee. People could then nominate fellow commentors in categories such as ‘most comments on a single thread’, ‘funniest comment’, ‘person who most clearly needs to get a life’, etc.
Then we post the nominations and vote for the winners – The prize is of course called ‘the Fatty’, and is a honey stinger waffle toasted with a likeness of Eldon.
Comment by roan | 09.13.2013 | 1:35 pm
Free Verse Friday I can stomach
This series of turning points
And cliffhangers
Has my head spinning
And fingers tight on the mouse
Thank you (cancel that)
Comment by roan | 09.13.2013 | 2:27 pm
@Davidh-marin,ca Thanks for the info on Martha Wrap.
Who woulda thunk of the irony of a dropped wrapper leading to an epic novelette (thx Kristina).
“FOIL + PARCHMENT IN ONE”
Fatty is using nearly every definition of foil to stick it to us. Thus proving the pen IS mightier than the sword…er…foil.
Comment by Clydesteve | 09.13.2013 | 3:45 pm
I am OK with this. really.
Go Chris Horner!
Comment by Hillman | 09.13.2013 | 4:40 pm
Front tire puncture…it’s a bit of work, but you could swap front and rear tires. There’s more weight on the rear wheel so maybe more likely to blow, but much less risk of a crash with a blowout on the rear.
Comment by Eric L | 09.13.2013 | 4:58 pm
SilentFlyer wrote: End of the road for the dog, too – his next move was to try to go after a county sheriff’s officer with a gun.
It’s a good thing the dog just bit you and didn’t go after YOU with a gun.
…sorry, I just couldn’t resist.
Next up: how Fatty shot and elephant in his pajamas…
Comment by roan | 09.13.2013 | 5:56 pm
@ Eric L, that musta been during Fatty’s former size.
Now it would probably be a weasel.
Comment by Anonymous | 09.13.2013 | 8:47 pm
YAY! My vote is 2 more installments >ducking from other readers throwing things< I Serious love this format. I love having something every day and I love the cliffhangers. :)If you weren't such a gifted writer, it wouldn't be nearly as fun. I don't mind waiting since I know you and the Hammer are okay.
UpTheGrade SR CA Wait, you aren't implying that 41 is old are you? Cause that's not old. The 40's are the new 20s! :)
Wife#1 and Clydesteve SQUEEEEEE I can't believe my most favorite pro in all of cycling is so painfully close to winning a grand tour and I can't watch on TV (WTF?!?) Having met Chris, I can't think of many who deserve it more. He is super humble, funny, patient and very easy to talk with. I love it when I meet a celebrity and they are super cool people. Levi seems a lot like that. In any case if Chris wins on Sunday, the screaming you hear will be me way up in Alaska completely losing my mind with joy. :) Fingers crossed that Nibali continues his downward trend and Chris keeps peaking.
SteveB – you my friend are BRILLIANT. I love this idea! We should totally do this!!! How fun would that be! I nominate Greg from Bike Monkey for one of the best lines ever in a comment, "I was knitting a sweater of sadness with my pedals." Let's do this!
Also, had to add the other fatcyclists blog to my rotation – the guy with the fat tire bike equipped with aerobars. Wonder if I could do a 100 miler on my 9:Zero:7? Maybe with aerobars…Hmmmm
Comment by AKChick | 09.13.2013 | 8:49 pm
Also, we need to make this happen!
Comment by MattC | 09.9.2013 | 9:27 am
I also agree on a new T-6 Fatty T-shirt:
“I’m not going slow, I’m Knitting a sweater of sadness with my pedals”.
Comment by Davidh-marin,ca | 09.14.2013 | 12:44 am
@AK Chick, aka Anonymous: Thanks for closing out my evening as usual. Looking forward to the aerobars on the 9:0:7 especially with those cool mitten things to keep your hands warm. It’s a look!
horner…Horner….HORNER….HORNER ! ! ! ! fingers crossed!
@Eric L: Spot on! Silent Flyer so sorry to hear about what happened to both you and the dog. A sad result for both. Like Eric L, I wondered if maybe your bike was running the wrong colors for the neighborhood, where did the dog carry the gun, and how did he modify the trigger guard for his paw? It’s a dilemma.
It just shows you how far we have taken this 2nd amendment issue. Stand your ground? Sure, just be careful next time you ride. One person’s bike route is another person’s backyard:
(hey if corporations can be ‘persons’ then why stop there?)
Comment by Nancy_in_MN | 09.14.2013 | 9:04 am
@Kristina You are insane!
@AKChick @MattC Sweater of Sadness t-shirt for sure!
@SeanB (from part IV comments) There has been proposed a font called “sartalics”, which is reverse-slanted italics, to be used for typing sarcasm. Wouldn’t that be the bomb? Meanwhile, they say you can bracket your sarcastic comment with back-slashes to indicate sarcasm. Like this:
@FC /I forgive you for leaving us hanging over the weekend./
Comment by UpTheGrade SR CA | 09.14.2013 | 9:54 am
Wow, incredible fireworks at the Vuelta on the L’Angilru, fantastic racing and almost as much of a clifhanger as Fatty & The Hammer’s saga. I love this.
Comment by RedRivRevFrank | 09.14.2013 | 6:05 pm
Awesome riding by Horner!
I know there will be (are) doubts about this one. The cycling world is skeptical of many things post-Lance, but the story is so good and, if Fatty has taught me anything, it’s that the story matters profoundly.
Comment by AKChick | 09.15.2013 | 1:34 am
HORNER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m not sure if it’s my imagination, but Chris looks a lot leaner than normal, like perhaps he has been training for mountains. His results do not surprise me. I know many an awesome athlete that peaked in their 40’s. I know it doesn’t normally happen in professional cycling, but Chris has never struck me as someone who feels his age like others do. And he’s had injury after injury (I will never, ever forget watching him crash and lay unconscious in a ditch then get up and finish in the Tour and then asking if he finished – incredibly scary). It was also extremely interesting to hear him talk about it in person. In any case, I just can’t believe that this is anything but good old fashioned hard work and teamwork and cunning race tactics.
@DavidH – I don’t know why that post showed up as anonymous. That is weird. I do have some aerobars. I should mount them on the fatty, ride it around the culdesac, take a picture and post it here. Wonder if I should start saving to go to Rebecca’s Private Idaho and bring my fat bike? :)
Comment by SilentFlyer | 09.15.2013 | 7:18 pm
@ Eric L I’ve got to tighten up my use of prepositions ;) Thx for the giggle.
@ Davidh-marin,ca Love the pic. I wonder what the wrong colors are for a public train facility parking lot? Admittedly I might have been provacative on my custom two-tone red and black folder and clashing dark purple rain jacket. Maybe I should go with khaki, the Trenton Public School gang-prevention uniform color. But I wouldn’t want the next stray pooch to associate it with the hated bike and start going after the kids…wait, aren’t dogs mostly colorblind?
Comment by Davidh-marin,ca | 09.16.2013 | 12:08 am
@AK Chick yes you should start saving and we SHOULD see you next year in Idaho. I’m sure if you came we could get Wife#1 to line up for an event like this with her Hakalugi. Of course I’m confident that if I convinced her to try this it could have the same result if I got her on the Tandem for a long fondo. I’ll leave it at that.
Hope to see you next year. And super kudos to our new Team Fatty honorary member…. Mr Horner.
Comment by Mark | 09.23.2013 | 1:47 am
Awesome blog. Really enjoyed reading it.