2014 Rockwell Relay Race Report, Part 3: A Cry of Pain
A Note to People Who Wish They had Gotten into the Leadville 100: I just heard from my friend Cole Chlouber that Life Time Fitness Foundation has five charity slots available for the Leadville 100. They cost $1000 each, and 100% of that amount goes to Life Time Foundation’s Clean School Lunch program. It’s a good cause and a good (possibly only at this point) way to get into this race. If you’re interested, send an email to Barb Koch.
A Note About Today’s Post from Fatty: This is Part 3 of my 2014 Rockwell Relay writeup. The previous installment — part 2 — is here. Or if you need to start at the beginning, you can click here to jump to part 1.
Here’s a true fact: handoffs in 30-hour relays aren’t especially important. We have never won, nor lost, the Rockwell relay by an amount of time an elegant — or a bungled — baton handoff would would have affected.
That said, I don’t think Team Fatty will ever get our first exchange handled correctly. It’s simply not meant to be. Maybe it’s nerves; maybe it’s something else.
And in short, by the time Kenny stopped, The Hammer had started rolling, and she didn’t have the baton (a slap bracelet).
What to do?
And that’s when Mark Nelson — no relation, and in fact on the team that was widely expected to give us a horrible beating in the race — ran to Kenny, took the baton, and then sprinted to The Hammer and slapped the bracelet on her.
It was an awesomely nice, generous gesture, and it makes me feel even worse about the fact that I had just — moments ago — removed the valve cores from his tires.
No, not really.
The Hammer took off, leaving me with a couple of minutes to watch Kenny collapse to the ground, deflating like he was a balloon with a quarter-sized hole in it.
Here he is with about 80% air remaining.
Here he’s down to 40%:
Kenny was cramping badly, and his feet were killing him. “I guess I just haven’t gotten used to my road bike shoes this year; I haven’t really used them,” Kenny said.
A few minutes later, though, he was back to around 75% and — along with Heather — got a photo with Steve from Team 3B Yoga, which had just sent a powerful message to our team, by dropping Kenny and putting five minutes on us, all within the last few miles.
And that message was this: We are going to destroy you. (Jeff, in the background, was on the same team, and was the evil mastermind behind the squad.)
Meanwhile, I paced about, fretting. My wife was out there in the most ridiculously strong cross-headwind I had ever seen; this was no time for photos! Nor for cooling down and getting changed! Nor for anything at all!
“We need to go!” I told Kenny and Heather, as I pictured The Hammer scraped and bloody, her wheels blown out from under her by the fierce wind.
They didn’t argue. Kenny and Heather had both said the same thing at other times during other stages during other editions of this race. It’s how you expect things to be when it’s a couple of couples who are doing the racing. There’s always one person who’s a little bit more anxious about the racing teammate than anyone else.
Which is, as far as I’m concerned, one of the reasons Team Fatty has gotten along, crammed in a van — sleep-deprived, exhausted, achy, and sick of pizza — for four years in a row: we get each other.
A Cry of Pain
We piled into the van and took off in pursuit of The Hammer, who — as we uneventfully caught her several miles down the road — smiled and gave us a thumbs-up. Nope, she didn’t need any food or water. She’d only been out for twenty minutes for pity’s sake.
And how was the wind? Rough, but she was dealing with it. Furthermore, she could see another rider up ahead; she was going to try to bridge to him and see if they could work together. A good plan, especially in this crazy wind. (Note from Fatty: the strikeout stuff above and below is what I thought had happened; The Hammer has since let me know otherwise.) Then, fortunately, a rider caught her and they began working together. Then another racer caught and joined their group. And then another another.
And then she put that plan into effect. And then they picked up another. And another. And together, this four-person train — taking turns like they had been practicing it together for years — cut through the wind like they never could have if they had been riding solo.
The Hammer takes a pull; Heather works the cowbell.
As we pulled over and cheered one of these times, waiting for this group of four to fly by, Kenny opened the rear door of the Sprinter van and sat on the bumper, taking the opportunity to put on more comfortable clothes and shoes. Heather and I, meanwhile, were standing by the side of the van, watching up the road, looking for The Hammer.
And that’s when we heard a loud crash, followed by the sound of Kenny screaming.
Which seems like the perfect place for us to pick up in the next installment of this story.
Comment by pbrmeasap | 06.19.2014 | 7:59 am
AH come on. lol
I know, that was a mean ending. And you know what’s meaner? I’ve got the next installment written but I’m not posting it ’til tomorrow. – FC
Comment by Jim Tolar | 06.19.2014 | 8:03 am
I always stop by FatCyclist sometime during the day to see what’s up. The difference when we’re in the midst of an epic multi-part race store is that I stop by First. Thing. In. The. Morning. Before coffee. Before even changing out of my bike commute gear at work. (of course I read it at work. why wouldn’t I?)
Kenny screaming? Yikes.
jt
Thanks, Jim! Comments like this make my day. – FC
Comment by Darren | 06.19.2014 | 8:45 am
REALLY!?!?!? See how I did that? I took a page right out of your writing style. I did this to describe the level of my flabbergatedness,(totally not a word), at how abruptly you ended this post. BTW I watched Leverage the other day. More specifically I watched The French Connection episode. “How about you give me a dollar, that tastes like a dollar.”
Comment by Joy | 06.19.2014 | 8:56 am
Noooooo! Too cruel, Fatty, and be prepared for many cries of pain from those of us left on the edges of our seats. Although, thanks for letting us know that it was Kenny, not The Hammer. No offense to Kenny (I hope he will be/was/is okay), but The Hammer is my hero!
Comment by zeeeter | 06.19.2014 | 9:10 am
Really? I mean, honestly? You get stuck on a delayed plane on your birthday and you take it all out on us, your loyal FOFs? Anyone taking bets? Bumper falls off? Snake attack? Scorpion attack? Team 3B Yoga sabotage attempt? Sleeping cyclist driving into the back of the Sprinter?
Comment by Corrine | 06.19.2014 | 9:13 am
I can’t even begin to guess what happens next. Did something happen to Kenny or did he see something happen to Lisa. Please don’t make us wait a whole day to read about it.
Comment by Darren | 06.19.2014 | 9:13 am
zeeeter- I am thinking it was an avalanche of food containers, or a meteor strike.
Comment by TominNorCal | 06.19.2014 | 10:02 am
NOOOOOOOO!!! For Pete’s sake, man….how can you do that to us? Now what am I supposed to do with the rest of my day but obsess on what the next installment brings. Oh the questions…the questions….
Comment by New Zealand Ev | 06.19.2014 | 10:09 am
How cruel to leave us hanging . . . I will be on the edge of my seat all day now like everyone else!! I can’t wait to read tomorrow’s post
Comment by Chinese Spammer | 06.19.2014 | 10:23 am
Fatty, All of your crap, um, errr, stuff, fell on him, didn’t it?
Comment by Tom in Albany | 06.19.2014 | 10:26 am
I forgot to change my name from Chinese Spammer. Oh well… When you dig Kenny out, is he smiling?
Hard to tell what’s going on beneath that beard. – FC
Comment by Guy Creese | 06.19.2014 | 10:28 am
My guess is you’re building anticipation.
I hope so! – FC
Comment by Matt | 06.19.2014 | 10:50 am
I hope it’s nothing more serious than all the food falling out of the van and Kenny bemoaning his Doritos and Red Vines!
Comment by MikeL | 06.19.2014 | 11:03 am
You need an audio link with an old serial radio announcer saying “Tune in tomorrow for the next installment of Fatty’s Cycling Theater. Does Kenny suffer from a physical mishap or does he find out that Fatty forgot to load the Red Bulls in the vine?”
Comment by MikeL | 06.19.2014 | 11:05 am
“Vine” should be van. Dang automatic spell checker on my droid.
Comment by JRGdeCT | 06.19.2014 | 11:26 am
Seriously? What a great cliffhanger. Then to tell us you already wrote the next post and are just hanging on to it… aarrgghhh.
Comment by Mark Nelson | 06.19.2014 | 11:28 am
I was wondering who stole my valve cores :) You guys are awesome, and it was a total joy sharing a case of Tab Cola with you.
This comment edited for de-spoilerization purposes. – FC
Comment by Tina | 06.19.2014 | 11:50 am
Tab Cola? Ah, a spoiler!!! Ha, ha, ha, ha! (in reference to comment above)
Sorry, couldn’t resist that since you so meanly left us hanging!!!!!
This comment edited for de-spoilerization purposes. – FC
Comment by MattC | 06.19.2014 | 12:12 pm
Zeter, everybody…relax, I’ve got it figured out…Kenny was attacked by wild boars. Happens to me all the time, and being as I always seem to be alone when it happens, well..that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
For instance: the first year of LIVESTRONG Davis, I ended up off course and solo’ing all the way out to the freeway. Stupid wild boars…standing around in front of the left turn sign with grimacing looks on their faces, so I went straight. Another time before that it was a wild boar attack that left multiple scabs on my legs (which might have resembled a bungled shave job to some, but no..it was wild boars).
Comment by MattC | 06.19.2014 | 12:15 pm
Also, I have to ask: did the Hammer “smell good” this year? (thought of that upon seeing the pic of her pulling the guys….again).
Comment by Mark in Bremerton | 06.19.2014 | 12:51 pm
Regarding your strikeout/edit, I liked the original version better, and you get lots of husband-points for that one. Tell The Hammer she is too modest.
You should be (are?) a salesman – “you get to read part 4 after you donate…”
Comment by GregC | 06.19.2014 | 1:24 pm
lets see, we are in the third installment and barely into the 2nd leg of a 12 leg race. I’m thinking Labor day might be a good target to get this wrapped up (just kidding- loving the story!)
How many installments will there be? Your guess is as good as mine. Better, maybe. – FC
Comment by Susie H | 06.19.2014 | 3:16 pm
aaaggghhh, i’m going to busy til about 4 tomorrow…guess i’ll just have to be patient. patience is a virtue. (or so i’m told)
Comment by bart | 06.19.2014 | 3:17 pm
from where I am reading it is tomorrow !
please please post the next installment.
(superb writing fatty)
Comment by leroy | 06.19.2014 | 4:29 pm
My dog can’t decide if Kenny’s beard reminds him of Dumbledore, Duck Dynasty, or a ZZ Top tribute band.
Hope he’s okay.
(Note to Kenny: My dog is sleeping outside tonight. We graybeards have to look out for one other.)
Comment by Kevin | 06.19.2014 | 8:03 pm
I think Kenny ate from Fatty’s food stash and keeled over from the sugar rush! See, I told you that stuff was poison!
Comment by Tina | 06.19.2014 | 8:20 pm
Oy vey, you couldn’t make it Coke? Not a fan of Tab Cola!
Comment by iRide | 06.19.2014 | 8:43 pm
@Kevin – funny!
Comment by SteveB | 06.19.2014 | 9:01 pm
I *think* I know how Kenny felt… at the end of my first leg, if the kind lads at the food table hadn’t given me a chair to collapse into, I’d have been right onto the ground.
Comment by Cort | 06.19.2014 | 10:13 pm
Perfect cut out moment… I love it! Also, I’d like today that you don’t give yourself enough credit on helping the race grow. Word of mouth is best and this is equivocal to hundreds of “mouths” telling their friends about the race. Thank you!
One last item, I think the bratwursts are becoming one of my top favorite three things of the race. All the stress melts away momentarily when my teeth sink into one… Thanks again for everything, and especially the laughs!!
Comment by cycling buff | 06.20.2014 | 2:21 am
Fantastic article, thanks for the info
Comment by Doug (Way upstate NY) | 06.20.2014 | 6:35 am
Or maybe the cry of pain was the bike tire pump being attached to Kenny to re-inflate him! Those things pinch.
Comment by traffic geyser | 06.20.2014 | 8:59 am
Greetings! I know this is kinda off topic but I was wondering if you knew
where I could get a captcha plugin for my comment form?
I’m using the same blog platform as yours and I’m having trouble finding one?
Thanks a lot!
my webpage … traffic geyser
Comment by MicroTim (in IN) | 06.20.2014 | 9:22 am
“I know, that was a mean ending. And you know what’s meaner? I’ve got the next installment written but I’m not posting it ’til tomorrow. -FC”
It is now tomorrow! I am periodically letting out a cry of pain every time I look for the update and don’t see it!
Comment by Liz | 06.20.2014 | 9:25 am
It’s tomorrow… where’e Part 4?!? I can’t start my day until I know what happens!
Comment by Stuart FL Fishing Charter Boats | 07.9.2014 | 9:02 pm
I just couldn’t depart your site prior to suggesting that I extremely enjoyed the standard information a person supply for your guests?
Is gonna be again continuously to investigate cross-check new posts
My web site; Stuart FL Fishing Charter Boats