Part 2 of the Race Report About That Boggs Funduro Thing

05.8.2015 | 9:35 am

We were sitting at the beautiful Riviera Ristorante: Greg, Jeff, Levi, me. Each of us had ordered something from the specials the waiter had mentioned; they sounded that good.

Now we waited.

Now we strategized.

“What order should we ride in?” I asked. Then, partially answering my own question, I said, “Levi should obviously go first.”

“Then you,” said Jeff. “I go third.”

“That sounds good,” said Levi.

“OK, what next?” I asked. “What’s our next tactic in our team strategy?” 

“Uh, go really fast?” Levi offered.

“And don’t fall down or get lost?” Jeff added.

“Is that all we’ve got?” I asked. “That’s the entirety of our strategy?”

“Hey, is that the new Apple Watch you’re wearing” Levi replied. OK, so it wasn’t really a reply. It was more just the next thing he said.

“Yes it is,” I said. “Here, try it on and let’s get your heart rate.”

So here, for the record, is Levi’s heart rate while waiting for dinner, immediately after an intense race strategy planning session:

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“My resting heart rate has never been very low,” explained Levi.

For comparison, here’s Greg’s heart rate, taken six minutes later:

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Oh, and because I know you’re curious, here’s mine, right now:

IMG 2430

Evidently, I’m feeling pretty mellow as I type this (even mellower than I was feeling nine minutes ago, apparently).

Also, because I know you’re interested in every little detail in my life, I had the ravioli.

Plans, Altered

All that was really left to do before heading off toward Boggs (I don’t know why this forest is called “Boggs,” but it really is; it’s not just a silly nickname because of someone hilariously misspelled a forest that happened to contain a number of bogs) the next day was to go grocery shopping.

We just needed to decide whether to do that shopping the following morning, or take care of it that evening, after dinner.

For reasons that I shall never even attempt to understand, this was the most hotly-debated topic of the evening. Here, allow me to show you, via a pie chart:

Screenshot 2015 05 08 08 58 40

After considerable and intense discussion (which I stopped following after the first couple minutes, due to being happy to do whatever, whenever), we agreed that we would get together the following morning to do the grocery shopping.

At which point we parted ways, Greg giving Jeff and me a ride back to our hotel, Levi headed elsewhere.

Two minutes after we began driving, Levi had caught us at a red light.  “Let’s do the shopping tonight,” he shouted.

So we headed to a grocery store. One of those grocery stores that  specializes in products that are similar to products you might find at a regular grocery store, except they’re marginally better for you and three times more expensive.

Guys Should Not Shop

The three of us (Greg, sensibly, wanted no part of this) got a grocery cart. We began walking up and down aisles, everyone too polite to actually put something in the cart, for fear it would meet the others’ disapproval.

Ten minutes in, we had put in bananas. And nothing else.

It began to look like this could take a while.

Finally, I said it. “I’m afraid to shop with you, Levi. I’m afraid that the overlap between what I consider food and what you consider food is an empty set.”

(No, I didn’t actually use those words. Figuring out how to phrase it this way took me twenty minutes.)

“Get whatever you want. I’m going to get whatever I want,” Levi replied. “One of the reasons I still ride every day is so I can eat how I like.”

Relieved, I grabbed a jar of Creamy Jif peanut butter.

Levi recoiled. “You’re not seriously going to get that, are you?”

I allowed that until now, I had in fact intended to get it.

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Levi warily regards a pasta salad.

“It’s full of corn syrup!” Levi assured me, and we swapped the Jif out for a natural peanut butter, which remained unopened for the weekend.

Eventually, we bought chicken meatloaf (which was really good), enough water that we could each drink a gallon per hour for the entire eight-hour race, ten pounds of sliced turkey, five pounds of provolone, and some white bread. 

I consider the white bread my greatest victory. 

Oh, and I snuck in a jar of Nutella toward the end, too.

The Next Morning

“Jeff,” I said, as we ate breakfast the next morning, “Now that Dad’s not here, we need to re-grocerize.”

“Yeah,” said Jeff. 

Which is how we finally came to be in possession of a large bag of chocolate chip cookies, a twelve-pack of Coke Zero, another twelve-pack of Coke, and a four-pack of Starbucks Doubleshots.

Now we were ready to make the trek to Boggs.

Except I was far from ready. So far. So very very far. 

And in the next installment of this story, I’ll explain why. 


  1. Comment by AKChick | 05.8.2015 | 10:04 am

    LOL! I would have loved to be on that grocery trip.

    You have not had peanut butter until you have had a Earth Balance’s Coconut Peanut Butter – OMG. You will NEVER go back to regular peanut butter. I use it in smoothies. No corn syrup or bad products in it and you’ll never miss them. Trust me. Seriously. Just go buy some. You will thank me later.

  2. Comment by Jim Tolar | 05.8.2015 | 10:20 am

    “Now that Dad’s not here”



  3. Comment by Jeff Dieffenbach | 05.8.2015 | 10:49 am

    I totally get that Skippy and Jif are not the healthiest peanut butters in the world. And that they are not the tastiest peanut butters in the world.

    But I also totally get that when you open a jar of Skippy or Jif, they are ready to go. Grab knife, dip knife, spread PB.

    All of these other better peanut butters, on the other hand, are most definitely NOT ready to go. No, they must be mixed. And then stirred. But not shaken (because they are not a martini). But mixed again, because stopping to think about martinis has caused the oil (at least, I *hope* it’s just oil) to once again flee the peanut butter.

    When it comes to food (and many other things, but, apparently, not women), I like simple things. The less preparation effort, the better. I will gladly sacrifice some taste and some health for convenience. See, my taste buds just aren’t all that discerning. And, thus far (fingers healthily crossed), I have an oddly healthy body given how I treat it.

    I plan to happily ride these traits across the finish line … a LONG time from now.

    Also, Fatty, thank you for not mentioning what *I* snuck into the morning grocery run.

  4. Comment by Tim | 05.8.2015 | 11:08 am

    Ok Jeff. I have to ask. Women that are not simple? A mystery food? Will we find out the details on either? I have high hopes for finding out about the mystery “food”. I doubt any details about the women comment. At least I would not go there….

  5. Comment by Jeff Dieffenbach | 05.8.2015 | 11:49 am

    My Boggs weekend did not bring me in close enough contact to any women (complex OR simple) for that conversation to be remotely relevant here. Or, for that matter, in writing anywhere.

    As for the mystery food, well, having built it up so much, pretty much any answer is going to be a let-down. And, I don’t eat dessert or anything more dessert-like than a muffin, so the range of unhealthy foods isn’t all that wide.

    All of that said, I am willing to do a reveal at some point. I hereby proclaim “some point” to be after a sufficient number of interesting guesses are made in this venue (Fatty, you *do* get advertising revenue for each page view, right?).

    Also, so that people don’t feel cheating, we’re going to define “food” as “consumable non-dessert items purchasable at a non-Whole Foods grocery store.”

  6. Comment by Jeff Dieffenbach | 05.8.2015 | 11:50 am

    “cheating” = “cheated”

  7. Comment by davidh-Marin,ca | 05.8.2015 | 12:00 pm

    I believe the ‘mystery food’ was some Spanish beef which would explain his lap times. This was consumed in the RV so the only witness was the Fat Man (sic) himself.

  8. Comment by sr | 05.8.2015 | 1:52 pm

    “a natural peanut butter, which remained unopened for the weekend”

    Sitting at a Starbucks and laughing out loud.

  9. Comment by Jeff Dieffenbach | 05.8.2015 | 1:59 pm

    Fatty, I forget, did Levi ever weigh in on the Nutella, or was that part of Friday’s stealth grocery run?

  10. Comment by Scott | 05.8.2015 | 2:49 pm

    Ever since I switched to natural peanut butter I can’t stand the Jif’s and Skippy’s anymore, much too sweet (and I have one helluva sweet tooth).

  11. Comment by Corrine | 05.8.2015 | 2:54 pm

    Potato chips? Double stuff oreos? Spam? Any of those correct? Okay, what I want to know is how much of the junk food did Levi eat that weekend?

  12. Comment by Jeff Dieffenbach | 05.8.2015 | 3:00 pm

    With respect to junk food consumption, Levi left a “zero footprint.” Unless you include the salt and vinegar kettle-cooked potato chips that he selected (and therefor passed his muster) at the store.

  13. Comment by Andy@wdw | 05.8.2015 | 4:43 pm

    Jeff, I’m guessing Pop-Tarts, either frosted strawberry or frosted cinnamon.

  14. Comment by Wife#1 | 05.8.2015 | 8:25 pm

    I bet the Jensie would have eaten the Creamy Jif with you. I love that stuff myself.

  15. Comment by StevenSantaCruz | 05.8.2015 | 9:57 pm

    Cheetos. Gotta love you some orange fingers.

  16. Comment by Anon | 05.9.2015 | 12:37 am

    Awesome made up word: “re-grocerize.”

    Definitely a grin-worthy moment reading that that the natural peanut butter had remained unopened for the entire weekend. =)

  17. Comment by Dow | 05.9.2015 | 7:33 am

    as the person who ended up with all your leftover groceries, i’ll say that my kid has been very much enjoying the natural peanut butter (which still has way too much sugar in it; lawd) and we were very impressed at how much nutella you managed to consume in just three days.

  18. Comment by Jeff Dieffenbach | 05.9.2015 | 11:53 am

    The answer to the quiz, BTW, is Mountain Dew. It doesn’t just have more sugar in it than peanut butter has, it has more sugar in it than sugar has.

  19. Comment by esuvidha rtu results portal | 05.9.2015 | 11:28 pm

    Yupp, healthy diet always keep the mind healthy as well.

  20. Comment by AKChick | 05.10.2015 | 7:18 pm

    Oh Mr. Jeff Dieffenbach, Earth Balance Coconut Peanut Butter needs no stirring. I triple, double-dog dare you to try it. It’s INSANE! It is a little slice of heaven in your mouth. :) NOMNOMNOM! It goes great with blackberry or blueberry fruit spread. *mouthwatering*

  21. Comment by Jeff Dieffenbach | 05.11.2015 | 9:08 am

    AKChick, after such a glowing recommendation, I will try it. I’m a bit concerned, though, as this seems the type of product carried only by some one-off vegan specialty store in Boulder that doesn’t ship.

  22. Comment by AKChick | 05.11.2015 | 11:47 am

    @Jeff Dieffenbach Our local Fred Meyers carries it (they are affiliated with Kroger) and also, we have a store called Carrs (owned by Safeway) that also carries it. For the record, I’m not vegan, more of a eat more natural, less processed kinda lifestyle. I probably would never be vegan but an ovo-lacto vegetarian. :) My husband is though so I get treated to fabulous vegan meals all the time. You will love it!!! It’s not super sweet, but the coconut, oh my gosh. Heaven.

  23. Comment by Jeff Dieffenbach | 05.11.2015 | 12:13 pm

    Great news! Within 5 miles of my abode, there is not only 1 place that sells EBCPB, there are 6! For those keeping score, that’s 4 Super Stop & Shops (S&S no longer appears to have just regular old Stop & Shops) and 2 Whole Foods. Since I am not independently wealthy, I will try the Super Stop & Shop a mere 1.4 miles from my door.

  24. Comment by UpTheGrade, SR, CA | 05.11.2015 | 7:20 pm

    Mountain Dew, Jiffy Lube peanut butter, Nutella, and white bread. Levi’s arteries must have been groaning. Then again, when I do a hard ride, I’ll eat anything I can lay my hands on. Probably accounts for my inability to get below 180 lbs!

    Sounds like you guys had a blast on your campout – like overgrown boyscouts. Did you sit around the campfire at night and tell fart jokes too?

  25. Comment by Jeff Dieffenbach | 05.12.2015 | 6:37 am

    @UpTheGrade, campfires were prohibited. We *were* invited by the next RV over to join them around their metal fire pit, but I was the only one to head over. I bailed after 10 minutes or so because they weren’t telling fart jokes.

    @AKChick, success, but it wasn’t easy. Even though the PB aisle at my Super Stop & Shop includes all sorts of apparently natural peanut butters, they had the Earth Balance hidden on a different aisle that has no discernible theme. I gave it a try this morning–no oil! It’s like a Hanukah miracle!

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