2016 Rockwell Relay Race Report, Part 7: No, You Go On Without Me.
A Note from Fatty: World Bicycle Relief is doing its annual dollar-for-dollar July fundraiser, this year focusing on bikes for Malawi students.
Take a moment to check out this incredible program, and be sure to donate. This is not only a charity where your money does immediate good in a lasting way, but it does double immediate good. And that’s incredible.
2016 Rockwell Relay Race Report, Part 7: No, You Go On Without Me.
You’ve all been very patient. I’ve promised you for six posts now that things were going to go completely off the rails during this race, and you’ve been very patient as I told what has been — apart from the slowness I exhibited during my leg of the race — an absolutely stellar racing of the Rockwell Relay.
No errors.
No mechanicals.
No poorly-executed strategy.
Just a family team, having fun while more or less eating our competitions’ lunch.
Well, all of that’s over, starting now.
Today the whole thing goes pear-shaped. Off the rails. Jeapordized. In a way that could be both very injurious and very expensive.
And, as you might expect, it’s all my fault.
Hi and Goodbye
One of the things I love about The Hammer is the intensity she brings to racing: I understand it and feel like it’s one of the things that ties us together. When we race, we race hard.
So I know that she’s not going to to slow down to chat when we pass by her, yelling encouragement. I know she’ll take the time to smile, but not slow down.
When she’s riding, she’s riding. There’s a reason “This ain’t no time for jibber-jabber” has become known as her catchphrase.
So after loading Ben into the van and driving forward to catch up with her, I wasn’t surprised when she simply shook her head and gave us a “thumbs-up” when we hollered, “Need anything?” at her.
Hey, it had only been ten or fifteen minutes since she had begun her leg of the race.
Hi and Goodbye, Again
We piled back into the van and passed her on the narrow, climbing canyon road.
And, like countless times before, the hunt was on. And by “hunt,” I mean we began hunting for the next possible place for us to pull over on the side of the road.
In some parts of the race — the wide, flat desert parts — you find places to pull over all the time. In this part of the race, however, I knew from experience that pullouts were few and far between.
Still, in a few miles we found a good one. We pulled over off the side of the road, going forward so at least one other race support vehicle could slot in behind us. (It was rare, this early in the race (just the fourth leg), that you’d be the only vehicle stopped and supporting a racer.)
I left the car running so the air conditionning could keep the inside of the van cool; we didn’t expect to be staying in this place long. All three of us piled out of the van and stood at the side of the road, watching for The Hammer.
Within a few minutes, we saw her. Just flying up the road. I’ve become good at reading The Hammer’s body language on the bike, and could tell: she was feeling great. Strong, fast, focused.
“What can we get you?” I hollered?
“Cold water at the next stop!” she yelled back. Not a surprise: in heat like this (I had noted that the outside temperature had just clicked over to 100 degrees, and there was a very mild tailwind, making it feel like a still, dry sauna to the rider), cold water is the best treat you could ever hope for.
One More Goodbye
I began walking back to the van when Lindsey had a suggestion. “Let’s wait for the Beauties and the Beasts rider to go by, so next time we see Lisa we can give her a split.”
A great idea. I knew The Hammer would like to know how she was doing against our competition, the “Beauties and the Beasts” (BatB) team.
Lindsey started the stopwatch on her phone, and the three of us continued staring down the road for a couple minutes.
Then the van began rolling away.
Certainty
I saw the motion of the van out of the corner of my eye, and I didn’t understand, at first. Then, realizing the van was rolling forward on its own, I ran at top speed to the driver door.
The car seemed to be accelerating, rolling toward a slope and then a six-foot dropoff into concrete ditch leading to a pipe, where rainwater could run under the road.
I managed to open the door, hoping to press the brake with my hand.
But even as I did this, I knew I wasn’t going to make it in time. I knew the van was going to go down the bank, then plummet nose-first for a six-foot drop into a concrete floor.
I won’t say that time slowed down for me, because it didn’t. However, I will say that in the half-moment while desperately tried to save the van, I had plenty of time to think about how this was my fault. How this was the final moment before the van — and probably everything in it or attached to it (including tens of thousands of dollars in road bikes) was totaled. How The Hammer was off on her own. Most of all, how I was just not going to get to the brake in time.
I don’t know how I had time to think all these things, but I promise: I did.
Ninja
What I didn’t realize, however, was that I was not the only one trying to rescue the runaway van.
Lindsey had seen it start rolling away, too.
While I had dashed for the driver’s door, however, Lindsey had run around the passenger side, where the side door was open.
She dove through.
The van accelerated.
She scrambled to the front.
The van began tilting down into the ditch bank.
And as I was opening the driver’s door and having guilt-laden epiphanies, I yelled, “It’s going over!”
Lindsey made one perfect kick at the brake.
The van skidded. Then — to my astonishment — it stopped.
All was well.
In a Predicament
No, just kidding. Everything was totally not well. Everything was absolutely completely the opposite of well.
Things were, in short, unwell.
The van was tipping nose first down a steep ditch bank, literally inches from going over a short-but-effective concrete cliff. It was tipping so steeply, in fact, that the rear-left wheel was high in the air. About two feet in the air, I’d guess.
Let me show you how things looked, van-wise.
I know, it’s grainy. But it’s the best we’ve got. We weren’t thinking about photos at the time.
Ben hung on the back of the bike rack, using his weight as leverage — maybe it’s what kept the van from sliding over, I don’t know.
“Let me take the brake!” I yelled. “You get out!”
“I can’t take my foot off the brake!” Lindsey yelled back.
She was right.
“What do we do?” I asked, my mind completely blank.
And it occurs to me now: it would be practically criminal to not end this installment of the race report here, when — finally! — I have an actual, literal cliffhanger.
Comment by TimD | 07.7.2016 | 7:56 am
“This is the self-preservation society”
Comment by Jeremy | 07.7.2016 | 7:58 am
Uhhhggh!
Seriously???? :)
Legit cliffhanger! We’ll see you next week, same Bat time, same Bat channel…
Comment by DJ | 07.7.2016 | 8:06 am
You’re mean.
Comment by MikeL | 07.7.2016 | 8:12 am
You have out done yourself with this one on so many levels.
Comment by John | 07.7.2016 | 8:24 am
Ahhh crap! Come on man!!! This blog is the only bright spot in my day, it is my reason for living!
Well, after my Family, the Dogs, my Bike, Spicy Nacho Doritos……
But seriously Fatty, this is so wrong it is right. Well played!
Comment by Don | 07.7.2016 | 8:37 am
We’ve reached a tipping point.
Comment by dpd356 | 07.7.2016 | 8:48 am
A shark?? Fonzie to the rescue!
Comment by LoPhat | 07.7.2016 | 9:01 am
I like the post, but what do you have against pears?
Comment by zeeeter | 07.7.2016 | 9:07 am
OK I agree. The best figurative and literal cliffhanger of all time!
Comment by Mike | 07.7.2016 | 9:09 am
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that is all i have to say to this report.
Comment by dent1111 | 07.7.2016 | 9:12 am
PROBABLY not the advertising exposure SBR Cycles was looking for…
Can’t wait to hear what happens next!
Comment by rb | 07.7.2016 | 9:25 am
This is Tarantino esque with all the timeline skipping. Or maybe it’s Dr Who. Or Beat Friends Whenever. Yes. Definitely Beat Friends Whenever
Comment by Zlokroshka | 07.7.2016 | 10:01 am
??????? ??, ????? :)
You’re really mean to wind up the story and leaving a cliffhanger like this!
Comment by GenghisKhan | 07.7.2016 | 10:17 am
Totally feels staged for dramatic effect… JK, of course! Can’t wait to hear the rest of this story and hope it all turns out well!
Comment by davidh-marin,ca | 07.7.2016 | 10:26 am
@Zeeter is not inviting YOU to Ouray, that’s for sure.
And Ben, was the ‘best’ you could do for weight?
And now you’re off to The Crusher. If I ply you with pie will you tell the story around the table? I promise not to tell.
again, the best story yet in a long history of ‘best stories’.
Comment by Jim Tolar | 07.7.2016 | 10:46 am
Holy F****ng Crap! Wow. Wow is all I can say. I say again, wow.
jt
Comment by Donna | 07.7.2016 | 11:06 am
Quick, Lassie, go get help……wait…..WHAT????? Holy snapping turtle toes, this is just crazy. I am now on vacation for TWO WEEKS, unplugged….I cry..
Comment by Brian in VA | 07.7.2016 | 11:36 am
I knew it had to happen after reading your blog for so many years that you would, someday, have an actual cliff hanger. Oh the depths you will go to, Fatty!
This is truly your best story, every, Elden! Well played.
Comment by walter | 07.7.2016 | 11:37 am
Wow – you really outdid yourself this time! An honest to god cliffhanger. Now that pizza eating scene makes sense, but with this, I hope it included a beer as well.
Comment by ClydeinKS | 07.7.2016 | 11:52 am
Just when I was thinking the pizza delivery driver cut you off the road, I find out the 50+ team tampered with your brake line in order to drop the VAN like a rock, down the concrete cliff. Compadre is always yelled when it leads to sabotage!
Comment by Richard S | 07.7.2016 | 12:11 pm
Note to self: Add wheel chocks to checklist for next race…
Comment by Tom in Albany | 07.7.2016 | 1:06 pm
I’m curious to know how Leroy’s Dog feels about this situation…
Comment by Cory | 07.7.2016 | 1:21 pm
I’ve never seen that view of my van before! I CAN’T WAIT to hear how this turns out! (yes that is ALL Caps if I knew how to make it bold and underlined I would have done that too!)
Comment by Cory | 07.7.2016 | 1:21 pm
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Comment by davidh-marin,ca | 07.7.2016 | 1:28 pm
@Cory
Comment by Skye | 07.7.2016 | 2:57 pm
Ditto, Cory.
Comment by walter | 07.7.2016 | 3:59 pm
I get a feeling that Fatty may not be offered a vehicle for next year’s race!
Comment by spaceyace | 07.7.2016 | 4:09 pm
Whaaaaat?!!!! I’m also simultaneously appalled and incredibly impressed that you got a pic at all.
Comment by Christina | 07.7.2016 | 4:11 pm
ARRRGGHHHHHEEEEEYAAHHHHHH!(again)
I own this Fat Cyclist t-shirt! “No, you go on. I’m riding sweep today.” It’s a favorite.
Comment by Doug (Way Upstate) | 07.7.2016 | 4:53 pm
For some reason I have the Batman (the old classic TV Batman) announcer voice running through my head…..
Comment by Cyclingjimbo | 07.7.2016 | 5:25 pm
Wow. Simply wow.
I hope you aren’t going to make us wait until Monday to see how this turns out – vans can’t hang on a cliff for a whole weekend.
Comment by leroy | 07.7.2016 | 5:31 pm
Dear Mr. Tom in Albany –
My dog informs me that the photograph of the van lifting its rear wheel reminds him of something.
I’m not sure what he’s talking about, but he says Mr. FC should have tried shouting “not on the carpet.”
Comment by Mark in Bremerton | 07.7.2016 | 5:33 pm
In my feeble attempts at writing, I try to emulate some of your style, but I’ll be danged if I’m going to THOSE extremes to produce a great story.
I was reading so fast, my eyes went over the edge of the cliff… hanger.
Tomorrow? Please?
Comment by Corrine | 07.7.2016 | 6:02 pm
I too wanted to know Leroy’s Dog’s take. Thanks for asking him, Leroy. I can’t believe the van didn’t go over. I’m assuming it didn’t go over otherwise Lisa wouldn’t have just been mad when she saw them, she would have been very concerned. I still can’t figure out how the helmets got smashed unless you used them as chocks?! I hope you don’t make us wait until Monday for more of the story. ARRRGGGHH!!!!!
Comment by walter | 07.7.2016 | 6:21 pm
Leroy’s dog cracks me up!
Lindsey deserves the team award for heroism/bravery; jumping into a moving van that was headed down a steep embankment is simply incredible. And the fact that she also saved the van from certain destruction (well, as far as we know right now – more please!) is just amazing. Bravo!
Comment by Andrew | 07.7.2016 | 7:29 pm
Seriously! Do you have no regard for my download limits that will be exceeded simply through the compulsive pavlov’s (leroys) dog clicking of my refresh button.
Now I am really hoping you do not make us wait until Tuesday (AEST)
Comment by J | 07.7.2016 | 8:58 pm
…..I’ve done worse…..
Comment by Shugg McGraw | 07.8.2016 | 2:33 am
I thought this was going to happen.
Comment by Tom in Albany | 07.8.2016 | 5:57 am
If it wasn’t for Fatty’s post, Leroy’s dog would’ve won the internet…
Comment by Jeff Dieffenbach | 07.8.2016 | 6:58 am
SO many unanswered questions:
1. Just how many minutes was the van there before it started rolling?
2. Manual or automatic transmission?
3. Status of the parking brake before the van started rolling?
4. Grade where the van started rolling?
5. Grade where the van stopped rolling?
6. Fatty’s average heart rate from van start to van stop?
7. Lindsey’s average heart rate from van start to van stop?
8. Ben’s average heart rate from van start to van stop?
Comment by John Dunn | 07.8.2016 | 8:32 am
I listened to he Podcast, got the spoiler but the picture is waaaaay more crazy than I expected. Too many skinny bike riders to provide the proper counterweight on the end it appears.
Comment by GenghisKhan | 07.8.2016 | 12:36 pm
Am I the only one hoping for a special Friday episode?! Geesh, I gotta know -but not so much as to listen the Podcast… :o)
Comment by rb | 07.10.2016 | 9:12 pm
How do you have a picture of this at all? Did you actually pause and think “hey, this needs to be on fatcyclist.com” or were you already in video mode, so this is a screen cap, or perhaps someone passing by took a picture?