Sabotaged!

06.22.2005 | 7:07 pm

Yesterday, I¬†was all effusive about Summer Solstice and how nice it was to be able to ride to work in shorts and short sleeves. So of course I was rewarded with a rainy commute home, and what looks like a storm brewing on the way in today. Not to mention the fact that it’s once again cold enough that I had to wear tights and a long sleeve jersey on the way in.

Grrrr.

Still, the weather was decent enough that I got up early and had a good ride before heading out to work. Issaquah / Fall City Road is my new favorite road in the whole world.

Here, Have Another Eclair

Yesterday, my manager at work (hi, Matt!) said he’s interested in getting a road bike. So for lunch, we went to the closest bike shop and looked around. Amazing what you can get for <$600 now. Then he said he’d buy me lunch at a Malaysian restaraunt as a birthday present. Mmmm, chicken curry. Afterward, fat and happy, I felt like I was ready for a nice little nap.

Then, when I got home last night, my nine-year-old son had out pretzels and Cool Whip. Now, before you wrinkle up your nose, please consider that dipping pretzels into Cool Whip is a brilliant and simple study in complementary foods:

  • Pretzels are salty, Cool Whip is sweet
  • Pretzels are crunchy and rough, Cool Whip is fluffy and smooth
  • Pretzels are room temperature, Cool Whip is…well…cool
  • Pretzels are a baked simple carbohydrate, Cool Whip is a completely synthetic mix of chemicals not found in nature, which manages, ironically, to be colored as pure as the driven snow. How many food coloring additives do you suppose it takes to make something pure white?

These complementing contrasts underscore and augment each other, making for an irresistable taste treat that the whole family can enjoy. How could I not eat a half bag of pretzels and half tub of Cool Whip? I guess we’ll never know, because I did.

And that’s when it hit me: people I know — my manager, my son — are trying to sabotage my weight loss efforts, in a transparent and nefarious plot to collect on the Fat Cyclist Sweepstakes! Well, now I’m on to your little plot, and I will defeat you! After I have a few more of those pretzels with Cool Whip.

All of which leads up to…

Today’s Weight: 174.6. I’m headed back in the right direction, but I have to be vigilant. Obviously, there are ne’er-do-wells who would love to see me fail.

4 Comments

  1. Comment by Robert | 06.22.2005 | 10:32 pm

    I’m rooting for you to fail too, but I don’t want your stinky little gift certificate. I want to be able to ride with you without have to attach a bungee cord to your seatpost. I feel perfectly content at 188 pounds, and I have no plans on trimming down.

  2. Comment by Unknown | 06.23.2005 | 3:35 am

    i think you look hot at 188 lbs, and wouldn’t have you any other way. remember that time a lifetime ago on slickrock when you and brad laughed at me when i took off my shirt? i remember it like it was yesterday. i have your picture on my garage wall. sometimes i spray the picture with gasoline and throw a match on it.

  3. Comment by duane | 06.23.2005 | 4:09 am

    You may not know this but back in ‘03 after a whole bunch of differnt things conspired to push my weight up into the 240+lbs range, I went on a ‘cut all calories and expend any that I do consume’ effort. I was living on around 1600 calories per day and exercising about 12-15 hours per week including weights, running and riding. I lost 45 lbs in 6 months. I was lean, mean and I was faster on my bike than I’d been in a very long time – felt great. As soon as I said ‘ok, this is where I want to stay’. All those ‘friends and relatives’ around me breathed a collective sigh of relief and offered me ice cream to celebrate…17 lbs of ice cream, cookies and various other high calorie consumables later, I’m about to announce to them that as punishment for ‘dealing’ in ice cream, I’m going to re-implement my ‘there’s no such thing as a good calorie’ plan.Take care and prepare yourself for those inevitable bumps in the road. On the other hand, I’m not convinced that a life without pretzels and cool whip is a life worth living.

  4. Comment by Matthew | 06.27.2005 | 9:05 pm

    Hi Elden!

 

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