An Open Letter to “Champion: Official Supermarket of the Tour de France”

06.23.2005 | 2:14 pm

Dear Champion SuperMarket Chain,

Yesterday, I got my Guide to the Tour, a supplement to Velonews magazine. I’m pretty sure this guide is simply a translated version of the Tour Guide published in France, ads and all.

Champion, I am pleased that you are supporting the Tour, and pleased that you are the Official Supermarket of the Tour de France. Alas, since I don’t live in France, your ad never had a chance of getting me to buy anything, so you may want to reconsider how you spend your ad dollars next year. Still, If I ever go to France, now I know where to get my official Tour groceries, and that’s something. I guess.

That said, Champion, I feel I must tell you that your full-page ad (see below) in this guide has creeped me out unlike any ad I have seen in recent memory.

I submit the following reasons for why:

  • The adult male appears to have had a frontal lobotomy. He’s looking into space and has a slack-jawed, lopsided grin. I’m confident the only reason we don’t see drool is because it has been photoshopped out. He does not make me want to buy groceries.
  • The adult female is wearing the strangest baseball cap I have ever seen. No, calling it a baseball cap is inappropriate, for it is clearly a spotted turban with a bill. Also, the expression on her face leads me to believe she is screaming for vengeance, which I believe is the main reason the cyclist looks so scared. She does not make me want to buy groceries, but she does make me want to buy life insurance.
  • The female child being held by the adult female is, I believe, a witch. Her concentrated expression and the way she is making a hand gesture while looking directly into the eyes of the (again, terrified) cyclist leads me to believe she is the instrument that will effect the vengeance her mother wants so badly. Also, the sleeve of her t-shirt puffs out as if it were inflatable. Perhaps this is a flotation function prepared against the likelihood of angry villagers trying to drown her?
  • The cyclist has the largest, most terrified eyes I have ever seen. He knows these people want him dead, and probably also realizes his bike is tilted so far up and to the left that there is no way he will not keel over onto his side. His terror is so great that he has forgotten to be embarassed by the fact that he’s tucked his jersey into his shorts.
  • The leftmost male child looks wistful, perhaps because he knows that his sister is placing a pox on the cyclist.
  • The rightmost male child is the only person in this photo who looks like he’s actually cheering at a cycling event. However, due to his position, orientation, and where he’s looking, he’s clearly not cheering at this cycling event. I notice, furthermore, that his left sleeve is big and puffy, in a manner similar to the way his sister’s puffs. I do not believe this child is a witch, so am now reconsidering the t-shirt-as-an-emergency-flotation-device theory. I now, instead, believe that this is how French children carry their cigarettes.
  • The smallest male…child?…dwarf?…mannequin?…undead zombie?…is the real crux of the problem with this ad. His head is massive, and looks 40 years old. It is also expressionless. Like most of his siblings, he’s evidently got either a life vest on under his t-shirt, or lots and lots of cigarettes rolled up under the short sleeves. This person makes me want to avoid your supermarket at all costs. In fact, he makes me afraid to go outside at all.

Champion, please believe me when I say that every single person in the United States would be better at producing ads for your supermarket than what you’ve got here. Give one of us a call; we’d be happy to help.

Kind Regards,

The Fat Cyclist


  1. Comment by Evie | 07.19.2008 | 11:41 pm

    This made me laugh so hard. I’m still laughing.

  2. Comment by Jenni Laurita | 03.1.2009 | 11:14 pm

    I am crying with laughter. Crying. My cheeks hurt.

  3. Comment by Judy A. | 07.14.2009 | 10:47 am

    You neglected to mention the adult male in the back of the crowd, who appears to have either just had a stroke or shat himself, I can’t quite decide which.

  4. Comment by Big Al | 07.29.2009 | 11:47 am

    Oh goodness. That was superb. I laughed so hard that my very lazy dog actually got up and came into the room to see what was afoot. I’m not sure if he can tell the difference between laughing and crying–especially when the laughing has induced crying and therefore are going on simultaneously–so he’s sitting here right now with his head on my knee observing me with very concerned doggie eyes. Thanks for the disruption in our otherwise predictable routine.

  5. Comment by Gabe | 12.16.2009 | 10:39 am

    Did you notice that the The “rightmost male child” has 6 fingers on his right hand!!!

  6. Comment by Virginia | 01.1.2010 | 5:14 pm


  7. Comment by Rachel | 03.29.2010 | 8:54 pm

    Yes, every family member in my very large family keeps coming in to see what Im laughing at! This is a crack-up! Fatty I really enjoy ur blog, keep it up!

  8. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » Big News Today | 04.1.2010 | 7:42 am

    [...] An Open Letter to the Official Supermarket of the Tour [...]

  9. Comment by Cycling Jersey | 07.27.2010 | 6:17 am

    hahahaha yeah the adult male does look lobotomized poor b*stard !

  10. Comment by DeathB4Dismount | 04.29.2011 | 1:27 pm

    Stopped in for a quick bit of proactive procrastination on a lazy Friday afternoon at work, and I’m lucky I didn’t get fired.
    It might be the Friday state-of-mind that I’m in, but this ruined me for about a half an hour. I’d read a description, see the picture, and start cracking up. Try to compose myself, see the picture in my head, and start up again. This went on for a good 30 minutes as I slowly made my way through the article, finally closing my office door to avoid the “what’s wrong with you” questions.


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