One Nice Thing

08.31.2005 | 8:21 pm

Ask anyone who knows me: I’m self-centered, selfish, and self-absorbed. I am generally and specifically interested in any topic exactly to the degree it involves me. This blog is ample proof of the fact that I live at the exact center of my universe.

And so when I signed up today to do the MS 150 ride on September 10, I didn’t do it out of altruism, although it is a good cause. I did it because I see it as a way I can possibly get a lot of attention by riding my bike all day while painted pink, with messages scrawled all over my leg in magic marker. Read on to see how this could happen.


Grand Scheme

While I am lazy and selfish, I am not dumb. OK, maybe I’m dumb, too. But I still know something important, which I shall make really big and bold, with initial caps for emphasis:


People Like Free Stuff.


So, if you pledge some money for the MS150, there’s a very good chance you’ll get something free. Here’s how it works:

  • Pledge $50 or more and get a handmade bike bracelet. Yes, that’s right. I’m committing my wife, without her knowledge, to creating bike bracelets — similar to the one shown below, though they’re each unique — for each of my big-spender donors. (She can also create bracelets for men). This is quite likely to result in a whole bunch of work and expense for my wife. This cracks me up. Be sure to send email to with your address after you make the pledge, so she knows where to send it to, and what kind you want.

  • Pledge any amount at all and get automatically entered in a raffle for 1 of 2 bike bracelets. Again, my wife is very clever and can make bracelets that are manly or womanly. Send email to after you make a donation so she can get ahold of you for where to send the bracelet and find out what kind you want.
  • Pledge more than $100 and I will write your name (or any short, non-obscene message you like) in big permanent ink marker on a highly visible part of my body on the day of the ride. I intend to start with my calves and work up, but am happy to take suggestions. Oh, and of course you’ll still get the bracelet. After pledging, send email to with your message. I will provide photos (including on my blog, if you like)
  • Pledge more than $1000 and I will paint my entire body the color of your choice for the day of the ride. I feel confident this won’t happen, so am happy to take it a step down: pledge more than $500 and I’ll paint half my body the color of your choice. Email with your choice of color and which half (left/right? Top/bottom?). I will provide photos (including on my blog, if you like). And of course, you’ll still get the bracelet. A couple of ‘em in fact.

I’m begging you. 

Please donate. Click here, in fact, to donate right now. You’ll help find a cure for Multiple Sclerosis, and you’ll help me continue to be lazy and self absorbed. And you might win something, too. That would be cool, wouldn’t it?


Today’s Weight: 167.4, but that’s a whole different story involving an enormous number of homemade cookies, two kinds of pizza, and a large sandwich with lots of mozzarella cheese. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if someone wins the Fat Cyclist Sweepstakes this week.


  1. Comment by Unknown | 08.31.2005 | 8:49 pm

    Fatty,I think you should let your wife paint you whatever color she wants for making her do bracelets without asking first. Jim

  2. Comment by Unknown | 08.31.2005 | 9:02 pm

    mmmm…….cookies and cheese.Fatty fat fat fat, fatty fat fat fat.(in my best schoolyard taunting voice)

  3. Comment by Jeff | 08.31.2005 | 9:10 pm

    Elden, you rock! Thanks for joining the MS 150 team. For all you other Fat Cyclist fans: While Elden is his typically humorous self, fighting Multiple Sclerosis is serious. So, please, please, pulleeze contribute. Plus, 100+ of his coworkers and new friends will get to ride with a magic marker-covered, multi-hued man on Sept. 10. (It’ll make the 150 miles go somewhat faster and easier for the rest of us.)

  4. Comment by Ariane | 08.31.2005 | 10:15 pm

    But I don’t get it… I mean, I’ll go put in $20 (that’s a lot; I’m in college), but…how’re you gonna know some one really donated, and didn’t just say they did? Hope Bill Gates doesn’t really, REALLY dig puce or mauve…

  5. Comment by Tom | 08.31.2005 | 10:27 pm

    Want to ride with Fatty on September 10? It’s not too late to join Team Microsoft., it’s awesome to have you on the team!Tom MSFT Captain and Team Janitor

  6. Comment by Fat Cyclist | 08.31.2005 | 10:43 pm

    a. toad – that’s a good question. when somebody pledges, it shows up in my account. your emailing me w/ your address just gives me a way to get the bracelet to you. so random people emailing me saying "hey, i just donated $5000, you have to paint yourself dayglo orange" won’t work.btw, i got your pledge. $20 from a student is a lot. thanks!

  7. Comment by Ariane | 09.1.2005 | 1:36 am

    Sure thing. If I still lived in Seattle, I would totally be down to try and do the MS 150 too. Excuse me…I suddenly feel the need to consume gross quantities of…cookies and cheese?

  8. Comment by Unknown | 09.1.2005 | 4:58 am

    I think you need to go to my blog and read my Paiku… the ones about BAD food… not the ones about actual pai.I’m going to try and put a trackback from my blog to your entry. Gawd knows I don’t get near the traffic you do, but hey… maybe someone will want to help!Hugs,Monkey

  9. Comment by Susan | 09.1.2005 | 5:38 am

    first, i just have to say the pizza and cookies were not my fault. the kids needed their "mourning the loss of summer" party with friends. elden, i’m sorry that the cookies were all tempty and warm when you got home from your ride. i do make the best chocolate chip cookies, i have to say. (although i remember dug used to make a pretty mean batch back in the day)second, i have to say i’m just fine with the making of lots of jewelry. it means that elden gets to watch the kids while i get to do my "trinkets and beads." oh yea, no complaints here.and last, thanks to all who have said nice things about my bracelet. it’s sort of a new skill that i’ve become completely obsessed over. hum… obsessed over a new hobby, that sounds familiar.

  10. Comment by Matt | 09.1.2005 | 5:47 am

    I will teach you how to trackstand for hours (like me) if you cut down on the cheese intake.

  11. Comment by Michael | 09.1.2005 | 1:42 pm

    Those cookies get me every time too… Good work promoting the MS cause…

  12. Comment by Unknown | 09.1.2005 | 3:03 pm

    people like you are why the MS society has to post this on all their pages:Views and opinions expressed by third parties placing material on these pages are not necessarily representative of the views of the National Multiple Sclerosis Society. For more information on our privacy and legal policy, click here.keep up the funny fatty

  13. Comment by K.C. | 09.1.2005 | 3:04 pm

    I may have to investigate this. I am doing my 1st century in five years on the 18th. Maybe the 150 should follow.Oh, and I am (as of this morning) at 171, down from 205 in mid-May.You rock, Fatty.

  14. Comment by Fat | 09.1.2005 | 3:40 pm

    I’ve been lingering around your site for the past week. I love your sense of humor and what you are doing! I read through all of your archive posts and I have enjoyed them immensley! Keep up the good work!~ Rowan

  15. Comment by Unknown | 09.1.2005 | 7:34 pm

    That’s so cool that you are parlaying your <i> celebrity </i> into something worthwhile. I saved 8 bucks by riding to work today. I’m hoping to take some of this fat off my body. But soon it’ll be spinning class time when we have 4 hours of daylight and 4 feet of snow on the ground…

  16. Comment by Strawberry | 09.1.2005 | 8:19 pm

    What happened?? You gained 1.4 pounds in a day!!! Does your wife do neutral beads if you’re not IN to the womanly or manly look but wanna look more neutrally? Keep up the good work!

  17. Comment by smpx | 03.9.2006 | 1:23 pm

    http://www.wall32.comYOUR WEB PAGE(nice spaces and pics!!!)


Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.