An Open Letter to Assos
Dear Assos,
I subscribe to Velonews magazine, and have noticed that your ad (shown below for your convenience) has appeared in the premium inside-front cover spread for the past…oh, I dunno… maybe five thousand issues.
Assos, please believe that I have your best interests at heart when I beg you to pull this ad and replace it with something less ridiculous, such as a photo of a chimpanzee wearing a tutu.
Oh, you’d like justification for why I think this ad needs to be pulled? Well, if you insist.
Meet Derek Zoolander
Let’s start with the model. I have no problem with companies using models in their ads. But the model you have selected for your ad—and used throughout your website—clearly does not ride a bike. At all. He does not have the cycling jersey tanlines. He has a chiseled upper body. Most tellingly, however, is he has silly little stick-like girly legs.
It’s possible, Assos, that I’m actually complaining about a conscious decision you made in picking a non-cyclist to show off your cycling garb. After all, your website seems to indicate that you’re really focusing on the non-cyclist part of the cyclist demographic. I quote:
"The less you ride, the more your body is fragile. The more you need garments that sustain and protect your body when riding your bicycle."
So, if I understand correctly, your point is that people who ride a lot don’t need good bike clothes. People who rarely ride, however—or better yet, never ride at all—should buy your off-the-charts-expensive biking clothes. That’s a very original point of view, and you should be commended for it. Sadly, the originality of this point is offset by being one of the stupidest things I’ve ever read.
Luxury Body?
Assos, I admit: the heading in your ad, "Luxury body," drew me in.
I think I can safely say, though, that it drew me in for reasons other than what you would like. Essentially, it perplexed me. Here are some of the questions—questions I have no answer to—storming in my mind regarding your heading:
- What is a "Luxury body?"
- Why is "Luxury" capitalized, but "body" is not?
- Will your clothes make my body luxurious?
- Do I want a luxurious body? After all, I tend to look for luxury in my furniture. Having a "Luxury body" makes me think that I might be a good ottoman.
In search of these answers, I went to your website. Your explanation—if I can call it that—of Luxury body is:
"Assos is designed to give you the look, the style, the elegance & exclusivity. Assos enhances and makes you a luxury body!"
Assos, your explanation just leaves me with more questions. What look? What style? Who do I want to exclude? And that final sentence, ironically, gives new meaning to the word "meaningless." Assos enhances what? And, I repeat, what is a luxury body? Please tell me, Assos. I must know.
Lorem Ipsum
Assos, I wouldn’t have taken the time to write to you if your ad problems were limited to a silly model and a ridiculous headline.
It was your ad body copy that sent me over the edge.
One quick read-through convinced me that up until five minutes before this went to press, this was "lorem ipsum" text, used as placeholder whenever an ad designer doesn’t know what the body copy ought to be. Then, at the last moment, you realized your error, and hired the first non-English-speaker you could find to write "real" ad copy. Let’s take a look at that text, sentence by sentence.
- It’s now! What’s now? I’m not asking just because this is vague, because if you actually described what is now later, I’d be OK with it. Or maybe you’re just pointing out a fundamental truth: no matter when you read this ad copy, you are reading it now. In which case I apologize.
- You’ve finally made time to get on your bike and do something for your body and soul. Assos, do you realize what magazine this is in? It’s Velonews. Most people who read this magazine don’t "finally make time" to go ride. We go riding all the time, often at the expense of our careers and family life.
- These days it’s a luxury to have time for yourself. Fair enough. I don’t see where you’re headed with this, though.
- This time is your own, it’s about you and it’s your choice! Assos, this copy might work better in Cosmopolitan magazine. They’re really into the psychology of making a personal statement, or of having stuff be "about you." Most people I ride with, on the other hand, go riding because it’s fun.
- These moments are precious and should be treated as such. Here’s a tip, Assos: the next time you want to do an ad, get a writer with experience outside the Geriatric Birthday Greeting Card business.
- Don’t spoil it by using ordinary equipment, which limits you and the entire experience. First off, Assos, I’m going to let you off the hook on your usage of "it" in this sentence, even though it’s a pretty jarring switch from plural (moments) to singular (it). And the reason I’m going to let you off the hook is because you clearly outsourced your ad copy writing to whoever writes those wacky quasi-English phrases for T-shirts in Japan. But are you really suggesting that ordinary equipment limits me, and my entire experience? Isn’t it at least possible that what’s limiting me—as the non-cycling cyclist you’ve identified as your prime demographic—is the fact that I only ride my bike when I can find one of those precious, luxurious moments, when I’ve finally made time to get on my bike?
Your ad copy problems aren’t limited to your ad, Assos. Check out some text right on the home page of your website (if one is willing to wait for all the Flash fireworks to finally die down):
"The Assos Mission is total comfort regardless of price. Definitely not for everybody, but maybe for YOU."
Which is almost immediately followed by:
"Who needs Total Comfort? Everybody!"
So, if I read you right, total comfort isn’t for everybody, but it might be for me. On the other hand, everybody needs Total Comfort. Maybe the difference is in the capitalization?
Additional Questions
Assos, I have a few other brief ad-related questions I hope you can address:
- Could you please change the name of your company? I know you’re Swiss and all, so you may not understand that you named your company something that reads and sounds just like an angry, obscene epithet. My young children are forbidden to pronounce your name.
- What is a "Cycling Body? Is that what a Luxury body aspires to become? Or is it the other way around?
- They can ask anything else? In your website, you say, "When the development phase of a new Assos product begins, the one question our engineers, technicians, and tailors are not allowed to ask is: "How much must this product cost in order for it to sell in volume?". [emphasis, punctuation SIC] Is that really true? Like, it’s OK for them to ask, "What if we used a lot of sequins to make our jerseys really pop?" Or, "How about we make a chamois using nothing but magnesium rivets and barbed wire?" Or—and it looks like someone answered ‘yes’ to this last question—"Should we make a bike outfit that makes the wearer look like he just stepped out of an 80’s vintage Michael Jackson music video?"
Thank you for your time, Assos. I look forward to your resolving this matter in a timely manner.
Kind Regards,
The Fat Cyclist
PS: This doesn’t have anything to do with your ad, but I thought you’d get a kick out of an experience I had with one of your products, Assos. I once purchased a container of Assos Chamois cream, then applied it to my chamois just as I was about to begin a day-long mountain bike ride. Alas, I did not realize that one of the main ingredients in Assos Chamois Cream seems to be menthol, of approximately the same concentration as Ben Gay. My nether regions were simultaneously aflame and freezing, which is nowhere near as nice a feeling as you might expect. Wanting to make sure that I was not having a reaction nobody else would have, I hid my pain (exquisite though it was) and offered the container to everyone in the group, many of which thanked me for my generosity and applied your Chamois cream to their chamois’s as well. Their subsequent yelps of pain let me know that I was not alone in my reaction. I probably don’t need to tell you that I did not finish the jar.
PPS: Assos, my weight today is 161.6 lbs. Would you say that makes me more of a Luxury body, or a Cycling body?
Comment by Unknown | 09.29.2005 | 9:09 pm
Har har har, that was super funny, did you actually send it to them? I wish I had luxury body!
Comment by Fat Cyclist | 09.29.2005 | 9:24 pm
cam, it’s entirely possible that you do have a luxury body. or perhaps if you were to buy some very very very expensive shorts, you could have a luxury body in short order.
Comment by Unknown | 09.29.2005 | 9:24 pm
next to the day you posted that "no blog today, i want to ride my bike" this is your best work. poignant, yet pointless. articulate, yet meandering. thoughtful, yet frivolous. the 6 major ingredients in good comedy.this is the second funniest thing i’ve read today.
Comment by John | 09.29.2005 | 9:49 pm
Kiss any free stuff from Assos goodbye.
Comment by Daniel | 09.29.2005 | 9:51 pm
I’m with dug the monosyllabic and uncapitalised on this one. Nicely done, old chap. Best giggle I’m likely to have all day, unless dug is kind enough to link me to the thing that was funnier.My Dave-Barry-incognito conspiracy theory strengthens apace.And I would love to know who on earth would ride in that ridiculous garment. I’m hoping beyond all hope that it is meant to be worn underneath a normal jersey, and that the strange integrated shoulder loopy things are merely there as a cunning design element to eliminate the common problem of cycling shorts falling down around one’s ankles while riding.I suspect that riding while wearing it as pictured could result in undesirable attention from mustachio’d leather-and-chain wearing gentlemen of effeminate habits.
Comment by Unknown | 09.29.2005 | 9:58 pm
normally i don’t address these types of things, and lower case i’ll cop to, but i’m wondering, what part of "articulate, meandering, and frivolous" is monosyllabic?
Comment by Unknown | 09.29.2005 | 10:05 pm
Fatty,You rock. This is right up there with the Champion Super Market take down that you did weeks ago. Assos could probably get away with the stupid text because cyclists might think it was written by some big-kilometer Italian guy and therefore it was cool. But the obvious "I work out a lot but don’t bother with my legs because they are hard to tone" gym rat they got to pose blows the cover sky high. The producer didn’t even know enough to pull the shorts’ legs up to a normal position on the thigh and instead left them in the uber-geek position. Geez. What a pathetic waste of ad money that probably generated negative response. Giordana forever. Fatty forever.
Comment by Unknown | 09.29.2005 | 10:08 pm
dug,The guy doesn’t even know what bib shorts are. There are targets more worthy of your focus.
Comment by Ariane | 09.29.2005 | 10:30 pm
Hahaha… that’s awesome. I don’t see what you take exception to in this ad. I’m going to go blow my measly college textbook cash for next semester on Assos products. Especially the nether-regions-burning chamois cream. The cream might be the secret ingrediant to get a luxury body, or maybe it only works its magic with Assos shorts. Either way, I may not know what a "Luxury body" is, but I know that I must have one to increase the preciousness of my moments…
Comment by Unknown | 09.29.2005 | 10:52 pm
"My nether regions were simultaneously aflame and freezing, which is nowhere near as nice a feeling as you might expect." Fatty, you are absolutely going to get me fired for sneaking peeks at your blog at work if you keep making me bust out laughing like that!!!! Whooohoooo!p.s. Go for a night ride! Last night, it was low 70’s until 8pm here in SLO, CA with a slight breeze. Climbed about 1,500 ft. & rode down a local rockgarden w/lights. Adrenaline rush!
Comment by Daniel | 09.29.2005 | 11:10 pm
dug, the monosyllabic part I was referring to was ‘dug’. Perhaps I should have been more specific.jimserotta, since buying my first road bike a couple of months ago, I learn something every day. Primarily from the friendly, helpful, inclusive types so abundant in the cycling world.
Comment by Fat Cyclist | 09.29.2005 | 11:31 pm
dan – zoolander-esque models aside, i recommend bib shorts. or at least i recommend them for me, because they hold my gut in. i recommend them for everyone else because they don’t bind at the waist. all – can we now go back to talking about how funny and clever i am? i like those kinds of comments best of all.
Comment by Unknown | 09.29.2005 | 11:48 pm
Yeah, I hear bibs are the bomb for comfort. But damn, those things verge on obscenely accentuating your belly-button, the way they purposely curve down and frame it!I’m still trying to come down from the traumatic chamois creme story… the horror… the horror…!
Comment by Unknown | 09.30.2005 | 1:06 am
dan, i must admit, that was world class sarcasm. props.i eschew bib shorts myself. i will allow that they hold fatty’s gut in, and that they may have other less important but beneficial functions even, but darn it, they are silly looking. i mean, outrageously clown-like.you’re better off not even knowing what they are. kenny wears em sometimes with the bib part actually tucked into the bottom shorts part. and wierd as that is, it’s considerably better than the "normal" way of wearing them. i think all bibs fall into the assos line of clothing.although you aint seen nothin till you’ve seen fatty in a moab hotel room walking around in nothing but bibs. unless it’s brad walking around in nothing but arm and leg warmers.
Comment by Robert | 09.30.2005 | 1:18 am
I can’t believe you wrote that entire piece without using the word "gay" or any derivative. When I saw the Assos ad, I expected to see 1-900-BIKSTUD.
Comment by Big Guy on a Bicycle | 09.30.2005 | 1:39 am
Ah, yes, Assos Chamois Cream. Or as my wife likes to pronounce it, "Ass-Oh-Ess" (it helps that I never have to explain to anyone that this is a play on S-O-S. Thank goodness for that).I once used the stuff, but stopped after I got a saddle sore. Talk about pain. Bag Balm is much better (kudos to our friends in Vermont).
Comment by EricGu | 09.30.2005 | 4:17 am
If you’re an ottoman, shoudn’t you be looking to start an empire?
Comment by Unknown | 09.30.2005 | 4:33 am
At 161-point-whatever, you lost your luxury body some time ago and it would take a LOT of Ugly Cake to get it back. But I have made an instant decision to refer to myself as "luxurious" in the future. I became nauseated when I thought of myself in bib shorts. I can’t imagine where my luxurious bosoms would go but I’m sure my "apron" would just sort of slop over the front. Buuuuuaaaaaagggghhhhh! (Shudder!)The cream thing kind of reminded me of the time my husband got the Ben-Gay instead of the Astro-Glide. WOWEEEEEEEEE!All in all, dear Porcine Penman, an outstanding write and an even better read!And by the way, I read your blog ALMOST as much for the comments as for the blog itself. John could have been funnier if he’d given it more thought said said "…kiss Assos goodbye as to free stuff," but I guess we can’t all be as clever as you.
Comment by Unknown | 09.30.2005 | 4:36 am
P.S. I just noticed that you missed the soft little girly hands! I wish MY hands were as nice as his!
Comment by Unknown | 09.30.2005 | 4:57 am
Y’know, even scarier than the absence of quad definition is the complete depilatory overkill — it’s like the guy started shaving his legs… and just… kept… going…And under that bib? The Hello Dolly Llama, of course.
Comment by BIg Mike In Oz | 09.30.2005 | 5:10 am
If you are a ‘build-for-comfort-not-for-speed’ kind of guy the bib suit is a handy outfit, especially if you want to keep your bum cleavage out of the sun – circa "don’t get caught with your pants down".
Comment by agreenmouther | 09.30.2005 | 1:21 pm
LowPhat: A bad har-har on the ottoman empire joke.
Comment by ThreeBlogNight | 09.30.2005 | 5:29 pm
I love to freeze my nads with assos…..I need help.
Comment by Susan | 09.30.2005 | 6:01 pm
Hi there,I have only been to your site a few times but thought I needed to ask a question or two. 1. Why get a ‘fixed’ bike? Wouldn’t an automatic bike be just as good? Versus a 10 speed.2. I bike but not that often. Do you think that ‘Assos’ wear might be good for me? Do they make a woman’s version?Congrats on the weight loss. You have actually inspired me to start mine before the New Year!S
Comment by Unknown | 09.30.2005 | 6:35 pm
Although I enjoy your mocking style, I would like to know what price-range I’m looking at for the outfit that the caramel colored swiss man wears in this ad. He seems sad, but that’s not relevant.Except I don’t think you should really be making fun of him.
Comment by Unknown | 09.30.2005 | 6:56 pm
For those of you uniatiated, bibshorts are one of the greatest inventions in all of cycling. Their genius lies in the fact that they keep the shorts from riding down, and keep the chamios in place. If you have ever tried them, trust me, you won’t go back to regular shorts again. I will admit they look ridiculous, in fact my roomate’s ex-girlfriend calls them "greco-roman fag suits," but they are meant to always be worn under a jersey and should never be shown without (or with the jersey tucked into them). P.S.- I like Assos chamios creme (and so do many of my cycling buddies), it is best stuff on the market. True, the menthol feeling on your undercarriage is a little odd, but you soon get used to it, and realize the benefits of this product.
Comment by Unknown | 09.30.2005 | 7:29 pm
Excellent! Next, can you do a send-up of those Michelob low-carb beer ads that show two cyclists worried about their carb intake? Hello, Michelob?! Those were on the back of Bicycling Magazine for a while. (Not that I read that rag, of course. Nuh-uh.)PS: If the menthol gets through, your butt must not be so fat, eh? The stuff never bothered me much.
Comment by Fat | 09.30.2005 | 7:30 pm
I’m laughing my "assos" off! Good post! lol~ Fat Chick
Comment by Fat Cyclist | 09.30.2005 | 7:31 pm
dangerzone, 1. i don’t think i’d recommend a fixed gear bike to anyone as their only bike. they are fun and different, though, and force you to pedal with a smoother cadence. maybe try one when you’re ready for a new challenge. 2. assos does make women’s wear, but it’s supremely expensive. there are other bike clothes that will do better for you.newbrooklyner – around $270. about twice as much as anyone else. i’m sure that the law of diminishing returns doesn’t apply, though.joe – i believe you re the chamois cream, yet i elect to never ever ever try it again anyway.threeblognight – sure you need help, but don’t we all?
Comment by Fat Cyclist | 09.30.2005 | 7:32 pm
maarten – it wasn’t my butt that the chamois cream bothered. but you’re close. maybe a little too close.
Comment by sam | 09.30.2005 | 7:36 pm
I just pee’d myself………
Comment by Unknown | 09.30.2005 | 7:44 pm
good stuff lmao
Comment by brad | 09.30.2005 | 8:02 pm
I think you’ve got it backwards. this doesn’t show how stupid Assos is, it shows how smart they are. they are clearly targeting people who don’t ride their bike frequently. Anyone not riding frequently, clearly didn’t win the IQ lottery. Assos in all their euro-wisdom recognizes this and is using the confusing logic, the bad grammer, the nonsensical tag lines to reel in these simpletons and make money. ain’t nothing wrong with makin’ money.not to even mention the hotness of their chick model.
Comment by Unknown | 09.30.2005 | 9:13 pm
Let’s do a cost benefits analysis. Is the Assos bib 900% better than my $40 shorts? It should be, that’s how much more it costs. Hell, at that price, the shorts should come with a team of uniformed leperchaun massage therapists to rub my ass while I ride. Is their $20 cream, with it’s weird frozen flamethrower effect, better than my unobtrusive and very effective $6 Body Glide, which completely does the trick, and better yet, doesn’t make my friends hop around on one leg cursing me? Will I have a better riding experience with 3 pairs of Assos bib shorts, or one $900 bike?More to the point, once you’ve done the whole body shaved gym rat thing, and let your legs atrophy enough to fit into those shorts, do you miss the $270 that you could have spent upgrading your pedals and shoes? Or giving the wife a night at a nice B&B? Or buying 40 craft brews with friends after rides? Oh yes. They’re Assos alright.
Comment by brad | 09.30.2005 | 10:01 pm
Al, if you’re getting pedals AND shoes for $270, I don’t think you’re a likely Assos customer to begin with.
Comment by Jodi | 09.30.2005 | 10:36 pm
I just turned into a Big Gay Man looking at this ad. And I have truly never felt so happy or fulfilled. Thank you, fatty.
Comment by Unknown | 10.1.2005 | 10:33 am
clearly the luxury body/cycling body thing is a before/after thing…..referring to the "luxury body" is a call to action! i.e. hide your luxury body with the bib shorts and get cycling to get a "Cycing body". also the menthol on the danglies is a teutonic thing – don’t forget their closest cultural cousins the scandinavians hop in the sauna, jump out and roll in the nordic snow and then whip each other with saplings. huzzah!
Comment by DM | 10.2.2005 | 2:26 am
dear FC,i am enjoying your blog – and yes, the copy in this ad is stunningly bad.you do seem to come from an alarmingly talented family. i’m asking for one of your sister’s prints for christmas!just thought youmight like read my show offy cycling snippet in my 7 things thingy. http://spaces.msn.com/members/disinclinedmum/Blog/cns!1p5VaYDrmAJww-oopROW_dzg!149.entryit’s number 6 of 6.i’m far too tired to be witty. i’ll come back when i can be. or at least think i can be…cheers,c.
Comment by Unknown | 10.3.2005 | 5:40 pm
i almost snorted water out of my nose… and my co-workers now think i’m nuts since they turn around and see random pictures of some guy in tights.Otherwise, great post!
Comment by Nichole | 10.6.2005 | 7:58 pm
"Assos is designed to give you the look, the style, the elegance & exclusivity. Assos enhances and makes you a luxury body!"Have you considered that perhaps this is a girdle for men?:-)
Comment by Shawn | 10.6.2005 | 8:41 pm
love it!
Comment by Nicole | 10.7.2005 | 3:51 pm
Well I did take the time to thoroughly enjoy your true and intelligent analysis of this ad and company. However, it seems to me as if the ad accomplished about as much as it could have hoped for since it got you to visit their website…:)
Comment by Unknown | 10.28.2005 | 5:37 am
hello fatguy, I want to make it very clear that I do not follow your little pathetic, full time job website but happened ( go figure ) to end up on it. I write to you because the content of your page simply upsets me and all the people I have shown it to. I am just a little european ( although I have an american mother ) ex – elite rider who has been riding the bike before I could actually walk. My english is not perfect but I hope your comedian mastermind this time around might actually get the point. My bike was my playground and evolved into my tool of making a living. This lasted 3 years until I realized I will never win a tour de france and that there actually is an easier way of making a living then racing my bike. Now and for the last 16 years I ride the bike for quality of life reasons, because I love the bike, because the sport continuos to fascinate me, because I enjoy suffering, because it keeps my mind and body in shape, because the technology and evolution fascinates me, because it lets me get away from my “business day” and last but not least cardio reasons. Why I take the time to write to you is because the way you are talking about people and companies is completely out of line. Your sarcasm is not funny but instead embarrassing to the US cycling community that a so called "cyclist" can actually act the way you act. Why do you ride the bike ???? Take a piece of paper and write it down! I bet you started a few years ago because somebody told you that cycling is the best way to loose your fat ? You have a complete lack of cycling cultural background, never raced in your life ( except maybe on some children, mother, pension event ), knows nothing about the history of cycling, how it evolved, the industry, who were the actors ? The maximum level of suffer you have experienced on the bike equals having to skip a nice juicy dinner, isn’t it ? The disrespect you have shown in regards to Mr. Armstrong leaves me speechless. You are asking the guy "what have you done in your life ?", "It’s not easy to be fired?" etc. etc. ARE YOU FOR REAL or a comedian ? I am not an Armstrong fan and probably you don’t find many Armstrong fans in europe, o.k. but regardless of his personality the physical achievements ( clean or not clean does not matter anymore at that level ) is simply worth admiration and is earned respect. Why ? Well either you are a cyclist and you get it or you simply don’t get it. But if you don’t get it, then a little " fat nothing " should keep his mouth shut and instead of trying to be a comedian you should educate yourself in the matter. ASSOS ? Luxury Body ? Either you get it, or you don’t. Do you realize that it is this little Swiss company who made it possible in the first place ( although I am pretty sure this was not the company’s objective), for fat people like yourself to be able to stay on a bike for more then 2 hours by "inventing" total comfort cycling apparel over half a century ago and has revolutionized an entire industry?? The way you analyzed their ad simply shows that you are deeply perplexed. Deep in your mind you would love to have a luxury body ( this is the reason why YOU are riding the bicycle ), but when you look in the mirror all you see is the exact opposite ( regardless of how many kilos you loose ) of a luxury body. Then you would like to buy some Assos luxury body gear but you can’t afford it because you are sitting in front of your computer all day long trying to be a comedian. Then you had a little money left and were able to buy an ASSOS chamois creme, get a little glamour in your life; but not being cycling educated, you spalmed it on your balls instead of your butt and this created even more, additional turbulence in your little “genius mind”. I understand that writing might be a valve, a strategy to let go the frustration and complex ( others ride the bike ) you are facing in your life, but please, next time before you are using your webpage to do so – THINK ! People do actually read your crap.Don’t bather answering, I am not visiting your little paradise again, sincerely yours,Dr. Michael LämmlerPS. I apologize for my euro english but writing my message to you in german would be pointless, wouldn’t ? Oh by the way, now I feel so much better, yes writing helps doesn’t it ?
Comment by Unknown | 10.28.2005 | 5:38 am
hello fatguy, I want to make it very clear that I do not follow your little pathetic, full time job website but happened ( go figure ) to end up on it. I write to you because the content of your page simply upsets me and all the people I have shown it to. I am just a little european ( although I have an american mother ) ex – elite rider who has been riding the bike before I could actually walk. My english is not perfect but I hope your comedian mastermind this time around might actually get the point. My bike was my playground and evolved into my tool of making a living. This lasted 3 years until I realized I will never win a tour de france and that there actually is an easier way of making a living then racing my bike. Now and for the last 16 years I ride the bike for quality of life reasons, because I love the bike, because the sport continuos to fascinate me, because I enjoy suffering, because it keeps my mind and body in shape, because the technology and evolution fascinates me, because it lets me get away from my “business day” and last but not least cardio reasons. Why I take the time to write to you is because the way you are talking about people and companies is completely out of line. Your sarcasm is not funny but instead embarrassing to the US cycling community that a so called "cyclist" can actually act the way you act. Why do you ride the bike ???? Take a piece of paper and write it down! I bet you started a few years ago because somebody told you that cycling is the best way to loose your fat ? You have a complete lack of cycling cultural background, never raced in your life ( except maybe on some children, mother, pension event ), knows nothing about the history of cycling, how it evolved, the industry, who were the actors ? The maximum level of suffer you have experienced on the bike equals having to skip a nice juicy dinner, isn’t it ? The disrespect you have shown in regards to Mr. Armstrong leaves me speechless. You are asking the guy "what have you done in your life ?", "It’s not easy to be fired?" etc. etc. ARE YOU FOR REAL or a comedian ? I am not an Armstrong fan and probably you don’t find many Armstrong fans in europe, o.k. but regardless of his personality the physical achievements ( clean or not clean does not matter anymore at that level ) is simply worth admiration and is earned respect. Why ? Well either you are a cyclist and you get it or you simply don’t get it. But if you don’t get it, then a little " fat nothing " should keep his mouth shut and instead of trying to be a comedian you should educate yourself in the matter. ASSOS ? Luxury Body ? Either you get it, or you don’t. Do you realize that it is this little Swiss company who made it possible in the first place ( although I am pretty sure this was not the company’s objective), for fat people like yourself to be able to stay on a bike for more then 2 hours by "inventing" total comfort cycling apparel over half a century ago and has revolutionized an entire industry?? The way you analyzed their ad simply shows that you are deeply perplexed. Deep in your mind you would love to have a luxury body ( this is the reason why YOU are riding the bicycle ), but when you look in the mirror all you see is the exact opposite ( regardless of how many kilos you loose ) of a luxury body. Then you would like to buy some Assos luxury body gear but you can’t afford it because you are sitting in front of your computer all day long trying to be a comedian. Then you had a little money left and were able to buy an ASSOS chamois creme, get a little glamour in your life; but not being cycling educated, you spalmed it on your balls instead of your butt and this created even more, additional turbulence in your little “genius mind”. I understand that writing might be a valve, a strategy to let go the frustration and complex ( others ride the bike ) you are facing in your life, but please, next time before you are using your webpage to do so – THINK ! People do actually read your crap.Don’t bather answering, I am not visiting your little paradise again, sincerely yours,Dr. Michael LämmlerPS I apologize for my euro english but writing my message to you in german would be pointless, wouldn’t ? Oh by the way, now I feel so much better, yes writing helps doesn’t it ?
Comment by Huw | 10.28.2005 | 9:20 am
And who said the German’s had no sense of humour.Lighten up Herr Doctor Lammler!
Comment by D | 12.14.2005 | 4:47 pm
HiUgh leave the guy alone he has many points, to many to be ignored or even laughed at although i found this very funny and true. I guess ill go on and piss some of you off a little more because this is what im seeing, i will offer up WHY assos can do this because of cycling mentaility in general in USA. Cycling i have now done for 20 years. THis means i was 12 years old in 1985 when i rode my first century, I have raced and I have been around the cycling wrold a long time. I love cycling but I dont care much for cyclist themselves and this whole article and the people who have responded are prime reason’sFirst off Assos is god aweful stupid expensive and have ALWAYS been this way since i came across them in the late 80s. No one carries them but retail catalogs because most stores cant sell assos to cyclist who ride daily or ever ride at all cos it cost to damn much.I can think of many brands that are nice, I personally like nalini, its good stuff, its not the most cheap you can buy..the chamois is excellent and they last, the weight of lycra in thier shorts is ideal to me.. The point this man was making or one of them I think is how cycling is marketed to the USA and what a farce it all is. We have lance armstrong who wins the tour de france more than anyone…but does anyone in this country give 2 shits about it? hell no..but i bet you he and miss crows feet break up tommorow it will net more coverage than all his wins together…right there shows the mentality of this country when it comes to cycling, (no one cares) so they dont need to really market it for that small portion who KNOWS thier cycling.The other thing I cant stand in atleast american cycling, and there is some one on here who calims to be atleast a hybrid american with euro back ground… Cycling in the USA for those of us who love it and do it (alot) cost alot of money, its based in that and always has been. But Ive always found in USA it was the spoiled drs and lawyers kids who ride and thats the sort of people involved in cycling and that is what seems to be made up of alot of cycling clubs. Its been that way for the past 20 years ive been riding. In eueope you can have some guy come from belgium and his parents have nothing but the town comes together and takes these riders, raises up money for them and suports them to ride And then I think there is a tremendous support and honour to that. Where as in americahn cycling most of the kids (not all of them) but alot of them are privleged and they dont have to be a cyclist, they can do what they want. In europe cycling is for everone because gas there and everything is much more than USA and also its part of the culture there to be more active and ride around. Its a everyman’s sport in europe its there for anyone who wants it, its not like that in USA, In this country, some one who lives 4 blocks away from a 7-11 will spend 20 grand on a car just to drive 4 blocks to buy cigs. The USCF (united states cycling federation) does nothing for inner city kids or anyone who isnt (white)..the whole cycling take on this country is upper class and rasist, and i feel its this way from the ground up, perhaps this is how assos can do such add’s because they can sell to such narrow types? I dont think it sets a good example and it churns out the types of cyclist that are bitchy about other riders and equipment and people’s weight, ive never seen so many men act like a bunch of fucktards when it comes to cycling, if i did not love cycling i sure wouldnt be involved in it…i love the bike but i dont love the people…WHy dont you leave this guy alone talking about assos uh? I think he has a point about how OFF the cycling market is in this country and i thought id just add a little more to it too….he attacks assos for being stupid with thier advertsing and wording and then you see a lashing from bitchy riders, whinny over something that has nothing to do with them, very typical.Sadly our sport at the higher leval is filled with these types, one tracked minded, one sided and about as boiring as a dead swamp chigger. None of thise so called riders do a damn thing to promote cycling in this country or give a shit to pass anythying down to other riders. THey turn every club ride into a race and are egotistical, for the non cycling world i dont think this looks very much like a welcome mat. No one gets together with organizations and say hey, lets have a city race where eveyrone can be a part of this..cycling is not a celebration in this country, its a fucking country club. No sadly the cycling world you have to be suited out with a 13 pound climbing machine in the 7000$ price range, a follower atitude (because ive determinded that most of these sorts of cyclist cant think for themselves) and just a whiff of insecurity coverd by a mask of arrogance..poof done. So in short perhaps the article was reaching out to those people who had such a problem with this guys feelings for assos…so i guess if you defend that sort of thing and your backing of defence is silly, why dont you ask yourself what you can do to promote cycling so its not this way…those people on here who are cyclist will know what im talking about. If people are so pissed off with advertising and how cycling is then change how its being promoted by something you can do yourself in your own world. Some of you will ask, (what the hell does any of this have to do with Assos)… it has to do with cycling in this country is sold to the rich, in thier pockets and mentaility, if you are tired of cycling appealing to those sorts who have more money than sense you are not alone, im pretty bored with it all myself.D
Comment by Janet | 05.13.2006 | 10:01 pm
Hilarious! And it seems you touched a little Eurotrash nerve there, huh? Priceless.