Sick + Slammed

12.7.2005 | 4:03 pm

I got around two hours of sleep last night. Sick. And it’s one of those days where not going to work is not an option. More likely, I’ll be staying late.
So, the really interesting post I have in my head about what came in the mail yesterday — something bike-related — will have to wait ’til tomorrow.
And today’s contest, which will be for a very cool Banjo Brothers Duffell Bag — which is perfect for carrying your helmet, shoes, clothes, and other gear when you’re travelling –  is:
Speculate: what did I get in the mail yesterday?
The person who has the best answer wins. "Best," in this context, means "most interesting, insightful, or entertaining." It does not mean "most accurate."
Since I’m clearly letting you down entertainment-wise today, I’ll direct you to something that has made me laugh each of the half-dozen times I have watched it. It’s family-safe and safe to watch at work. 
From my friend Racer’s blog: him at his new store.
I think anyone who’s ever had a dog can identify. Thanks, Racer, for posting that. Genius soundtrack, by the way.
More Elsewhere
From time to time I add cyclist’s blogs to my Blogging Cyclists. The newest additions always go to the bottom of the list. If you haven’t browsed the list lately, maybe you should today.


  1. Comment by Unknown | 12.7.2005 | 4:40 pm

    I am going to guess that you recieved a brand new Zebco Rhino bait caster, outfitted with spider-wire and a rattlin’ rappala lure. As a fellow cyclist I would not want this sort of item, so why do you? You can’t fish and cycle!

  2. Comment by Unknown | 12.7.2005 | 4:42 pm

    Um, you got an imaginary letter from your old imaginary ghost-pal, Jay?What ever happened to him? You guys in touch? Is he still doing the magic show circuit?

  3. Comment by Unknown | 12.7.2005 | 4:44 pm

    Oh, geez.Feel better. Maybe Jay can come over and make some Magic Meat for you.

  4. Comment by Unknown | 12.7.2005 | 4:49 pm

    Great! The absence of everything (null set) finally has a chance to be counted. I retired and disappeared so that I can ride my bike and enjoy the rest of my life. Kids are fine…ex-wife is fine….money is fine…not having to answer a phone very often is fine…the finest part of all is virtually NO mail….So this is a good contest for me! Yesterday, today, tomorrow, and all of last week, I have had NO mail….no bills, no letters, no catalogs (unbelieveable!), nothing. An empty mailbox except for the Pennysaver miniature newspaper thingy and the local dry cleaning company’s postcard probably addressed to "Occupant" or "Current resident". My dog Shana does not get any mail either. She does like to trot along while I ride my mountainbike, though. She doesn’t even bark at the mailwoman, who usually just drives by in her little white Jeep.

  5. Comment by craig | 12.7.2005 | 5:00 pm

    FC-You finally received those calf muscles you have been longing for?Sweeeet!Give us a ride report when you get a chance and let us know how they work. I have been thinking about picking some up as well.

  6. Comment by Unknown | 12.7.2005 | 5:19 pm

    Assos sent you a box full of their new line of Fat Cyclist bib shorts plus a smarmy letter begging you to include them in your weekly giveaways.Hope you get well soon. It’s a balmy 10 degrees down here this morning.

  7. Comment by Unknown | 12.7.2005 | 5:26 pm

    Since it is snowing I am expecting winter wear catalogs (so I can order gifts for Christmas), but alas there was summer catalogs (so that I am ahead of and ready for the season change) and a VS catalog. I guess there are other ways to stay warm than ordering winter clothing.LIVE TO RODE!!!!

  8. Comment by tayfuryagci | 12.7.2005 | 5:30 pm

    Bill Gates himself wrote a letter saying that you are now made partner of the company with a 10% share and you will not have to go to work after today.tayfur

  9. Comment by Big Guy on a Bicycle | 12.7.2005 | 5:47 pm

    Assos sent you a luxury body…

  10. Comment by Unknown | 12.7.2005 | 6:00 pm

    the next installment of blogs that dugs been ghost writing for you

  11. Comment by Julie | 12.7.2005 | 6:13 pm

    David Letterman sent you a letter requesting your appearance on his show. He figures the audience watching would be larger then his audience last week who watched when Oprah was on.

  12. Comment by Kevin | 12.7.2005 | 6:17 pm

    A Partridge in a Pear Tree?

  13. Comment by Unknown | 12.7.2005 | 6:25 pm

    Ron Howard wants to do an epic movie about Fat Cyclist’s transformation to Less Fat Cyclist. This epic will start in April 2005 and ends in tragedy as Fat Cyclist is taken out by the infamous Bronze Toyota Previa (dramatic license). It will detail the journey of one overweight husband/father of 4 becoming the less overweight husband/father of 4. This heart warming tale combines reality television surprise with documentary style sweeps of beautiful terrain at the Leadville 100 and Moab with comedy as 4 children all vie for Fat Cyclist attention and romance with the wifie. What else could you ask for? Oh yeah, an audience. Fat Cyclists in theatres August 2007

  14. Comment by Unknown | 12.7.2005 | 6:47 pm

    Lance Armstrong finished his second draft already? Nice one. He obviously has a lot more time on his hands than us.

  15. Comment by Zed | 12.7.2005 | 6:49 pm

    Umm … well duh, you finally got your new mountain bike (or at least a frame). Was it a replacement Paragon? Or did you go for the 29" after the discussion we all had about how flippin’ awesome 29ers are? Who cares about the contest, cough up the details on the bike already. Oooo, I love new bikes. What color? How much carbon fiber? Come on, get better, finish your 12-hour day and spill the beans! Did you go full Shimano XTR? Are you swapping in SRAM parts? Don’t tell me you grabbed the new Trek Elite 9.9!!!! Are you going to share? Hurry up, man, the angst is getting heavy here … sorry, it’s winter, and I’m really missing fall mtb season. I suppose I don’t need excuses for being excited about bikes in this crowd, though, huh?

  16. Comment by Unknown | 12.7.2005 | 7:18 pm

    A perfectly good excuse?

  17. Comment by Unknown | 12.7.2005 | 7:35 pm

    Did Big Mike send you a box of Aussie sunshine?

  18. Comment by Unknown | 12.7.2005 | 7:35 pm

    It’s really creepin’ me out that I knew what "Geo" was talkin’ ’bout.I was like…wait…doesn’t spider wire have to do with fishing? I know waaaay too much about fishing.

  19. Comment by Unknown | 12.7.2005 | 7:36 pm

    Was it me? I looked everywhere for me this morning, but couldn’t find me. In the end I had to go to work without me. I didn’t accidentally post myself to you did I?

  20. Comment by Conejita | 12.7.2005 | 7:42 pm

    Dear Cyclist, Fat: This Restraining Order is to inform you that your so called "blog" is no longer allowed to reference Jan Ullrich in any fashion until further notice. The disparaging comments made about my client on december 5, 2005 were uncalled for and have become unbearable. Such anti-social behavior is completely unacceptable and will not be tolerated in any way, shape or form. My client has been caused undue emotional stress as he now believes that he is solely responsible for Lance Armstrong getting cancer. This letter is to demands an immediate CEASE AND DESIST. Should you and the Fat Cyclist blog continue to comment on Jan Ullrich in violation of this CEASE AND DESIST ORDER, we will not hesitate to pursue further legal action against you, including, but not limited to, civil action and/or criminal complaints. Yours Truely,Jan Ullrich’s Attorney

  21. Comment by Unknown | 12.7.2005 | 7:54 pm

    Since it is the Christmas season, I’ll stick with that theme…Was it one of those girly leg lamps with the fishnet hose and frilly shade? Or maybe your secret decoder ring that you got from sending in one billion Ovaltine box tops? Or was it an official Red Ryder BB gun, complete with pump action, blah, blah that you’ll end up shooting your eye out with?

  22. Comment by Unknown | 12.7.2005 | 8:00 pm

    Stealing a page from Errorism ( see the entry on "Homage to My Bruddah"), you got the contract from the Osmond Boys™? After all these years of floating that demo tape of those fancy dance moves and Elvis impersonations for a five year deal worth an estimated $199 a gig, it couldn’t have happened to a more deserving guy.

  23. Comment by Zed | 12.7.2005 | 8:02 pm

    Truly, Conejita, how many lawyers don’t know how to spell (and randomly capitalize) "truly"?

  24. Comment by Conejita | 12.7.2005 | 8:07 pm

    Agghhh, this is why i should always use spell check!!!!!!

  25. Comment by Unknown | 12.7.2005 | 8:09 pm

    Let’s see. . . the Great Carnac says. . . "two dozen vials of EPO, a 16 oz bottle of Lousiana HOT HOT HOT chamois cream, four dozen disposable razors for the upcoming season of cut-filled leg shaving, and, finally, a deluxe ACME fake-barf patty for those days you just NEED an excuse not to ride to work."

  26. Comment by BIg Mike In Oz | 12.7.2005 | 8:57 pm

    Damn it all to hell, Tim-D stole my punch line.However, since I didn’t mail any sunshine yet, he must be wrong.But… How is the second case of Peanut Butter Oreos going? I express air mailed them last Thursday, so that must be it.P.S. at 5:45am today it was already 75F.

  27. Comment by Unknown | 12.7.2005 | 9:11 pm

    From the Offices of Juvenile & Conejita (Attourneys at Law), Our Client, Her Ulrich has also instructed us to seek damages in lieu of your use of the name Fat Cyclist. Our client atests that this name is universally recognised as applying to himself and that any use of the name by non-corpulent members of the public is detrimental to his image and contributary to his failing to win Le Tour for several years. We claim, on our client’s behalf, his own weight in pork pies, cake and doughnuts.Yours sincerelyJuvenile & Conejita, attourneys at law

  28. Comment by Unknown | 12.7.2005 | 9:58 pm

    An excuse not to ride?

  29. Comment by Nina | 12.7.2005 | 10:10 pm

    "How to Handle Bullies, Teasers and Other Meanies" It’s a book of comebacks so you can have a snappier comment when your sister slams you on her blog. Oh and the book has picture of a bike on it…that’s how it’s related to cycling.

  30. Comment by rich | 12.7.2005 | 10:33 pm

    I’m guessing that package contained today’s blog entry that you mailed in.

  31. Comment by pete | 12.7.2005 | 10:58 pm

    No my friends, only I know the secret of Fatty’s special parcel.Ten minutes after sending off a load of old cycling tops that he never wore, Fatty realised that he now didn’t have quite enough cycling tops, so he went straight onto the internet and ordered up one of these little beauties: have the added benefit that he can nonchalantly pretend to his children that mild-mannered, unassuming Elden Nelson is merely his secret identity and working for The Great Satan is just a cover story for his edgy secret life as a two-wheeled crusader for truth, justice and the American way. Conclusive proof? Superheroes don’t phone in sick.

  32. Comment by Unknown | 12.7.2005 | 11:55 pm

    Caloi, random Capitalization is Truly a problem for Lawyer. truly you are A friend For pointing that Out. Just so You know, it’s a Disease, similar to Tourette’s w/t verbal Tics, except with few Amusing Outbursts. My question for Juvenile and Tim, is what does this have to do with Metallica? Why is Lars Ulrich p.o.’ed at Fatty? It’s not a copyright problem, is it, because they are big property rights activists and totally lawyered up? I don’t get it. As for the mail you received today Fatty, well, I’m guessing a bundle of unmarked, non-consecutive twenties from KeepYerStinkin’Bag, who, having failed miserably with the reverse psychology, is now attempting a more direct approach. Say it ain’t so, Fatty… say it ain’t so! Either that or a package of peanut butter cookies from Big Mike, a lovely chap but one in whom I might not repose too many of my deepest darkest secrets, if that’s the case…

  33. Comment by Tom Stormcrowe | 12.8.2005 | 1:00 am

    You got an inflatable bicycle! This is a new concept bike that Huffy wants you to test and they are hoping that the idea really catches on after you write up the product review in your blog! The designer came up wityh the idea after he saw his son tie a balloon bike during his clown act at the president of Huffy’s Birthday party for his faithfull Daschund twins! I understand it also included a release of liability that Huffy’s attorneys, with the firm Weiner, Deiner, Dicker and Ducker insisted be included just in case you had Rocky take the first test ride in Moab! Tnhis is because they aren’t sure the frame flex issues have been properly addressed! How’s that for bizzare and entertaining?

  34. Comment by Unknown | 12.8.2005 | 4:29 am

    You got a letter from a board member on the cycling team that you were kicked off of? saying that they are trying to get you suspended from USCF for the 2006 racing season, 2005 results, titles and awards nullified, and possibly sued by the company. All because you blacked out they’re logo on an undershirt so it was still usable after being released from the team.Oh crap, that was my mail… You got a credit card bill for the Bianchi didnt you?

  35. Comment by Unknown | 12.8.2005 | 5:26 am

    Conejita — don’t you fret. All the Cease and Desist letters I get have misspelled words and misplaced capitalization. It’s one of those mod-ren improvizatons.Fatty — Fan mail?Hugs,MuMo

  36. Comment by Unknown | 12.8.2005 | 6:21 am

    I failed to mention that the $199 per gig with Fatty as a fancy dancin’ member of the Osmond Boys™ will allow him to support his biking habit independent of his regular MegaSoft salary. And all of that dancin’ should help keep him limber for cycling related activities. That’s what I failed to mention.

  37. Comment by Conejita | 12.8.2005 | 6:43 am

    Just so everyone doesnt think im totally retarded, I’ll let you in on a litle secret……..all of the random caps in the previous post were actually a copy/paste from a REAL cease and desist order. There, are you happy?

  38. Comment by Amanda | 12.8.2005 | 9:19 am

    In reference to your lovely sister’s blog:I love Journey, too.hahaP.S. I bet you can’t fit into her jeans, now…tee-hehe j/kkeep up the fun site!!

  39. Comment by Unknown | 12.8.2005 | 1:19 pm

    Inflatable bicycle? .. how about inflatable tyres! – think how great that would … ah.

  40. Comment by Unknown | 12.8.2005 | 2:40 pm

    I think its the new "Chris Carmichael Motivator". A self contained mp3 earpiece you put in while riding that just keeps mentioning over and over (and over) how Lance does things.

  41. Comment by Zed | 12.8.2005 | 4:12 pm

    He he! Conejita, that just makes it all the more funny. Retarded lawyers! Nothing personal, Al. (I should know better than to mess with a Rugby player who could probably crush me with his bare hands.)

  42. Comment by Mark | 12.8.2005 | 5:49 pm

    A fan letter from Lance Armstrong

  43. Comment by Loes | 12.8.2005 | 5:59 pm

    Your e-mail:Dear fatty,We have abducted your bike and at the moment of writing we are torturing it. Yes fatty, we are torturing your bike and it is in a lot of pain. We even intend killing it. But you can save it from its pain, and more importantly from its death! All you have to do is give us some chocolate cookies and brownies, 10kg at the least. Just put the cookies and brownies wrapped up in your garage and we will give you back your bike.yours sincerely,Mr. A. Lienps. We have a little problem. We managed to get the rear wheel out, but we could not get it back in so we broke of the derailleur. So nothing serious really.

  44. Comment by Unknown | 12.8.2005 | 6:15 pm

    Whatever it was, it beats the lot of us.Obviously.

  45. Comment by Unknown | 12.8.2005 | 6:59 pm

    I believe it’s an advance on a book deal. If not, it should be.

  46. Comment by Fat | 12.8.2005 | 7:22 pm

    Loez, you need to include "The Best Cake In the World" on that ransom letter.~ FFC

  47. Comment by Unknown | 12.8.2005 | 7:34 pm

    Is it a Lipoma?Botched

  48. Comment by Unknown | 12.8.2005 | 9:06 pm

    Hiya Fatty, sorry to hear you are not well. Hope you feel better soon. Your recent piece on Lance Armstrong is hilarious! Does Lance ever contact you with comments about your work?

  49. Comment by tayfuryagci | 12.9.2005 | 4:22 pm

    hey my guess had nothing to do with bikes. am I an idiot or what? :D


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