Is it vain for me to sometimes go back and read some of my favorite Fat Cyclist posts? It is? OK, just checking.
I ask because this past weekend I was engaged in just such a bout of vanity. Among other things, I re-read what is my favorite Fat Cyclist post of all time: An Open Letter to Assos. I continued on to read the comments that have trickled in on it during the past few months.
And that’s when Dr. Michael Lämmler kicked me in the head.
Judging from his comment — which he posted twice, as if to underscore his point — Dr. Michael Lämmler is not amused by my post about Assos. Nor, indeed, is he amused by my blog at all.
The wisdom of Dr. Michael Lämmler is simply too good to leave buried in the comments section of a months-old post. The whole world needs to read what the good doctor prescribes for me and my blog. Here, then, is what Dr. Lämmler had to say, along with my comments in green, like this.
I want to make it very clear that I do not follow your little pathetic, full time job website but happened (go figure) to end up on it.
Actually, my little pathetic website is not quite full time. The guy who pays fat biking bloggers to write pathetic websites keeps my hours to a strict 25 per week. That way, he gets around having to pay medical benefits. Anyway, I’m curious: how did you end up on my site? And more importantly, who forced you to stay once you had discovered you didn’t like it here?
I write to you because the content of your page simply upsets me and all the people I have shown it to.
So, how upset, exactly? Like, do your eyes bug out? Do you begin foaming at the mouth? Do veins pulse visibly on your forehead? Do you write foaming-at-the-mouth comments? And how many people have you shown it to? Could I ask you to please show it to more? Word-of-mouth is by far the most effective form of advertising, after all.
I am just a little european (although I have an american mother) ex – elite rider who has been riding the bike before I could actually walk.
Seriously? That’s terrible. Why did it take you so long to learn to walk? And when you say you’re a "little" European, do you mean that you’re really little? Like Tom Thumb? I’ll bet your bike is just adorable.
My english is not perfect but I hope your comedian mastermind this time around might actually get the point.
I’ll check with my comedian mastermind the next time he drops by. As for myself, nope, I haven’t yet got the point. Are you planning on making one?
My bike was my playground and evolved into my tool of making a living. This lasted 3 years until I realized I will never win a tour de france and that there actually is an easier way of making a living then racing my bike.
Well, I’m sure that will come as quite a shock to all the pro racers I know, who have each stated clearly, “I race for a living because it’s so easy.” Also, I’ve got to admit that I spent some time Googling your name, Dr. Lämmler. It turns out that a search on “Dr. Michael Lämmler” yields exactly one result, and it’s not for your pro racing career. If I broaden the search out a little bit, I do find one recent race result. Triathlons, Doctor? For shame.
Now and for the last 16 years I ride the bike for quality of life reasons, because I love the bike, because the sport continues to fascinate me, because I enjoy suffering, because it keeps my mind and body in shape, because the technology and evolution fascinates me, because it lets me get away from my “business day” and last but not least cardio reasons.
You know what, Doctor? I take everything I said earlier back. You and I actually have a lot in common. Let’s make up and be friends, okay?
Why I take the time to write to you is because the way you are talking about people and companies is completely out of line. Your sarcasm is not funny but instead embarrassing to the US cycling community that a so called "cyclist" can actually act the way you act.
Hey. I thought we were friends now.
Why do you ride the bike???? Take a piece of paper and write it down!
Is it OK if I just continue writing the reasons in my blog, instead? You know, the way I do pretty much five times a week?
I bet you started a few years ago because somebody told you that cycling is the best way to loose your fat?
Actually, I started because I heard there was big money in pathetic full-time job blog writing. I expect the cash to start rolling in any day now….
You have a complete lack of cycling cultural background, never raced in your life (except maybe on some children, mother, pension event), knows nothing about the history of cycling, how it evolved, the industry, who were the actors?
You mean I’ve got to know all that?!? Hey, nobody told me there was going to be an entrance exam! And don’t you go dissing my children / mother / pension races. I beat that octagenerian and 4-year-old girl fair and square.
The maximum level of suffer you have experienced on the bike equals having to skip a nice juicy dinner, isn’t it?
The disrespect you have shown in regards to Mr. Armstrong leaves me speechless.
You mean apart from the big ol’ speech you’re making here, right?
You are asking the guy "what have you done in your life?", "It’s not easy to be fired?" etc. etc. ARE YOU FOR REAL or a comedian?
(Note to confused readers: Dr. Lammler is now talking about the career advice I offered Lance Armstrong when he retired last year.) Um, is that a trick question? ‘Cuz I thought it was really obvious that offering career advice to the ultra-successful, ultra-rich, ultra-busy Lance Armstrong as if he were a hard-luck case who had just lost his job at the assembly line would have put me in the “outrageously absurd comedy” category.
I am not an Armstrong fan and probably you don’t find many Armstrong fans in europe, o.k. but regardless of his personality the physical achievements (clean or not clean does not matter anymore at that level) [Oh, you're just saying that to sound world-weary, right Doctor?] is simply worth admiration and is earned respect. Why? Well either you are a cyclist and you get it or you simply don’t get it.
I get it. I think everyone gets it. I’m losing interest, Doctor. Pick up the pace a little, would you?
But if you don’t get it, [Hey, I just said I get it!] then a little "fat nothing" should keep his mouth shut and instead of trying to be a comedian you should educate yourself in the matter.
So, a minute ago, when you asked me whether I’m for real or a comedian, you had already made up your mind that I’m a comedian? OK, that’s fine. But if we both agree that I’m a comedian, then don’t we also agree that saying that Armstrong needs career advice is comic? I don’t get it. Maybe I need some education in the matter.
ASSOS? Luxury Body? Either you get it, or you don’t.
I don’t get it. At all. I’m very excited right now, though, because nobody else seems to get it either. By all means, please explain it!
Do you realize that it is this little Swiss company who made it possible in the first place (although I am pretty sure this was not the company’s objective), for fat people like yourself to be able to stay on a bike for more then 2 hours by "inventing" total comfort cycling apparel over half a century ago and has revolutionized an entire industry??
Really? Assos invented cycling clothes? That’s actually really interesting. They should put that in an ad.
The way you analyzed their ad simply shows that you are deeply perplexed.
True enough. But be fair: the way they created their ad is deeply perplexing. And I still don’t know what a Luxury Body is. I am beginning to suspect, however, that you’re the guy who wrote the copy for that ad.
Deep in your mind you would love to have a luxury body (this is the reason why YOU are riding the bicycle), but when you look in the mirror all you see is the exact opposite (regardless of how many kilos you loose) of a luxury body.
I refuse to commit to wanting a luxury body until someone explains to me what a luxury body is. Although, by inference, I’m now beginning to think you at least feel a luxury body is the opposite of a fat cyclist’s body. Which is a fair enough point, but I can’t for the life of me make the connection between one’s body and the type of cycling clothes one should own.
Then you would like to buy some Assos luxury body gear but you can’t afford it because you are sitting in front of your computer all day long trying to be a comedian.
What can I say? pathetic, full time job websites don’t pay what they should.
Then you had a little money left and were able to buy an ASSOS chamois creme, get a little glamour in your life; but not being cycling educated, you spalmed it on your balls instead of your butt and this created even more, additional turbulence in your little “genius mind”.
Turbulence, indeed. Wow! Though I must admit, the glamour of Assos Chamois Crème was worth every moment of the searing pain I experienced on my spalmed balls.
I understand that writing might be a valve, a strategy to let go the frustration and complex (others ride the bike) you are facing in your life, but please, next time before you are using your webpage to do so – THINK! People do actually read your crap.
And it’s a very upsetting experience for each and every one of them.
Don’t bather answering, I am not visiting your little paradise again.
Not even if I ask pretty-please?
Dr. Michael Lämmler
PS I apologize for my euro english but writing my message to you in german would be pointless, wouldn’t?
Thank you for your unreserved and heartfelt apology for your Euro English. I accept your apology unconditionally. Let us not speak of it again.
Oh by the way, now I feel so much better, yes writing helps doesn’t it?
If you say so, Doc. Though I’ve gotta say, when I need to work out some rage, I find a nice long bike ride works better.
PS: My "Universal Signs" article — which I excerpted in this blog last week — is now published on Cyclingnews. Click here to read it.