The Wit and Wisdom of Dr. Michael Lämmler

01.16.2006 | 9:33 am

Is it vain for me to sometimes go back and read some of my favorite Fat Cyclist posts? It is? OK, just checking.

I ask because this past weekend I was engaged in just such a bout of vanity. Among other things, I re-read what is my favorite Fat Cyclist post of all time: An Open Letter to Assos. I continued on to read the comments that have trickled in on it during the past few months.

And that’s when Dr. Michael Lämmler kicked me in the head.

Judging from his comment — which he posted twice, as if to underscore his point — Dr. Michael Lämmler is not amused by my post about Assos. Nor, indeed, is he amused by my blog at all.

The wisdom of Dr. Michael Lämmler is simply too good to leave buried in the comments section of a months-old post. The whole world needs to read what the good doctor prescribes for me and my blog. Here, then, is what Dr. Lämmler had to say, along with my comments in italics.

hello fatguy,

I want to make it very clear that I do not follow your little pathetic, full time job website but happened (go figure) to end up on it.
Actually, my little pathetic website is not quite full time. The guy who pays fat biking bloggers to write pathetic websites keeps my hours to a strict 25 per week. That way, he gets around having to pay medical benefits. Anyway, I’m curious: how did you end up on my site? And more importantly, who forced you to stay once you had discovered you didn’t like it here?

I write to you because the content of your page simply upsets me and all the people I have shown it to.
So, how upset, exactly? Like, do your eyes bug out? Do you begin foaming at the mouth? Do veins pulse visibly on your forehead? Do you write foaming-at-the-mouth comments? And how many people have you shown it to? Could I ask you to please show it to more? Word-of-mouth is by far the most effective form of advertising, after all.

I am just a little european (although I have an american mother) ex – elite rider who has been riding the bike before I could actually walk.
Seriously? That’s terrible. Why did it take you so long to learn to walk? And when you say you’re a “little” European, do you mean that you’re really little? Like Tom Thumb? I’ll bet your bike is just adorable.

My english is not perfect but I hope your comedian mastermind this time around might actually get the point.
I’ll check with my comedian mastermind the next time he drops by. As for myself, nope, I haven’t yet got the point. Are you planning on making one?

My bike was my playground and evolved into my tool of making a living. This lasted 3 years until I realized I will never win a tour de france and that there actually is an easier way of making a living then racing my bike.
Well, I’m sure that will come as quite a shock to all the pro racers I know, who have each stated clearly, “I race for a living because it’s so easy.” Also, I’ve got to admit that I spent some time Googling your name, Dr. Lämmler. It turns out that a search on “Dr. Michael Lämmler” yields exactly one result, and it’s not for your pro racing career. If I broaden the search out a little bit, I do find one recent race result. Triathlons, Doctor? For shame.

Now and for the last 16 years I ride the bike for quality of life reasons, because I love the bike, because the sport continues to fascinate me, because I enjoy suffering, because it keeps my mind and body in shape, because the technology and evolution fascinates me, because it lets me get away from my “business day” and last but not least cardio reasons.
You know what, Doctor? I take everything I said earlier back. You and I actually have a lot in common. Let’s make up and be friends, okay?

Why I take the time to write to you is because the way you are talking about people and companies is completely out of line. Your sarcasm is not funny but instead embarrassing to the US cycling community that a so called “cyclist” can actually act the way you act.
Hey. I thought we were friends now.

Why do you ride the bike???? Take a piece of paper and write it down!
Is it OK if I just continue writing the reasons in my blog, instead? You know, the way I do pretty much five times a week?

I bet you started a few years ago because somebody told you that cycling is the best way to loose your fat?
Actually, I started because I heard there was big money in pathetic full-time job blog writing. I expect the cash to start rolling in any day now….

You have a complete lack of cycling cultural background, never raced in your life (except maybe on some children, mother, pension event), knows nothing about the history of cycling, how it evolved, the industry, who were the actors?
You mean I’ve got to know all that?!? Hey, nobody told me there was going to be an entrance exam! And don’t you go dissing my children / mother / pension races. I beat that octagenerian and 4-year-old girl fair and square.

The maximum level of suffer you have experienced on the bike equals having to skip a nice juicy dinner, isn’t it?
Mmmmm. Foooooood.

The disrespect you have shown in regards to Mr. Armstrong leaves me speechless.
You mean apart from the big ol’ speech you’re making here, right?

You are asking the guy “what have you done in your life?”, “It’s not easy to be fired?” etc. etc. ARE YOU FOR REAL or a comedian?
(Note to confused readers: Dr. Lammler is now talking about the career advice I offered Lance Armstrong when he retired last year.) Um, is that a trick question? ‘Cuz I thought it was really obvious that offering career advice to the ultra-successful, ultra-rich, ultra-busy Lance Armstrong as if he were a hard-luck case who had just lost his job at the assembly line would have put me in the “outrageously absurd comedy” category.

I am not an Armstrong fan and probably you don’t find many Armstrong fans in europe, o.k. but regardless of his personality the physical achievements (clean or not clean does not matter anymore at that level) [Oh, you're just saying that to sound world-weary, right Doctor?] is simply worth admiration and is earned respect. Why? Well either you are a cyclist and you get it or you simply don’t get it.
I get it. I think everyone gets it. I’m losing interest, Doctor. Pick up the pace a little, would you?

But if you don’t get it, [Hey, I just said I get it!] then a little “fat nothing” should keep his mouth shut and instead of trying to be a comedian you should educate yourself in the matter.
So, a minute ago, when you asked me whether I’m for real or a comedian, you had already made up your mind that I’m a comedian? OK, that’s fine. But if we both agree that I’m a comedian, then don’t we also agree that saying that Armstrong needs career advice is comic? I don’t get it. Maybe I need some education in the matter.

ASSOS? Luxury Body? Either you get it, or you don’t.
I don’t get it. At all. I’m very excited right now, though, because nobody else seems to get it either. By all means, please explain it!

Do you realize that it is this little Swiss company who made it possible in the first place (although I am pretty sure this was not the company’s objective), for fat people like yourself to be able to stay on a bike for more then 2 hours by “inventing” total comfort cycling apparel over half a century ago and has revolutionized an entire industry??
Really? Assos invented cycling clothes? That’s actually really interesting. They should put that in an ad.

The way you analyzed their ad simply shows that you are deeply perplexed.
True enough. But be fair: the way they created their ad is deeply perplexing. And I still don’t know what a Luxury Body is. I am beginning to suspect, however, that you’re the guy who wrote the copy for that ad.

Deep in your mind you would love to have a luxury body (this is the reason why YOU are riding the bicycle), but when you look in the mirror all you see is the exact opposite (regardless of how many kilos you loose) of a luxury body.
I refuse to commit to wanting a luxury body until someone explains to me what a luxury body is. Although, by inference, I’m now beginning to think you at least feel a luxury body is the opposite of a fat cyclist’s body. Which is a fair enough point, but I can’t for the life of me make the connection between one’s body and the type of cycling clothes one should own.

Then you would like to buy some Assos luxury body gear but you can’t afford it because you are sitting in front of your computer all day long trying to be a comedian.
What can I say? pathetic, full time job websites don’t pay what they should.

Then you had a little money left and were able to buy an ASSOS chamois creme, get a little glamour in your life; but not being cycling educated, you spalmed it on your balls instead of your butt and this created even more, additional turbulence in your little “genius mind”.
Turbulence, indeed. Wow! Though I must admit, the glamour of Assos Chamois Crème was worth every moment of the searing pain I experienced on my spalmed balls.

I understand that writing might be a valve, a strategy to let go the frustration and complex (others ride the bike) you are facing in your life, but please, next time before you are using your webpage to do so – THINK! People do actually read your crap.
And it’s a very upsetting experience for each and every one of them.

Don’t bather answering, I am not visiting your little paradise again.
Not even if I ask pretty-please?

sincerely yours,

Dr. Michael Lämmler

PS I apologize for my euro english but writing my message to you in german would be pointless, wouldn’t?
Thank you for your unreserved and heartfelt apology for your Euro English. I accept your apology unconditionally. Let us not speak of it again.

Oh by the way, now I feel so much better, yes writing helps doesn’t it?
If you say so, Doc. Though I’ve gotta say, when I need to work out some rage, I find a nice long bike ride works better.


  1. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » The Best of the "Open Letters To…" | 01.28.2007 | 10:05 pm

    [...] An Open Letter to Assos: This letter — a critique of a ridiculous ad in a popular cycling magazine — is one of the three most popular things I’ve written as the Fat Cyclist. More popular still, however, is The Wit and Wisdom of Dr. Michael Lämmler, a response to this critique (which includes my critique of his response to my critique — did I get that right?). [...]

  2. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » An Open Letter to Assos | 02.2.2007 | 5:51 am

    [...] PPS: Assos, after writing and publishing this letter, I got a strongly-worded response from your defender and best friend, Dr. Michael Lammler. I highly recommend you read it. [...]

  3. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » An Announcement, A Tease, and Two Thank-You’s | 02.2.2007 | 1:21 pm

    [...] I asked them to insert a reference to Dr. Lammler. [...]

  4. Pingback by Gadgets n Toys » Blog Archive » eBomb In VeloNews, Fat Cyclist Pissed | 02.3.2007 | 2:41 pm

    [...] OK, so it’s not really eBomb on the right, but it could be. He’s got a few of these Borat outfits and loves to strut around the office in them. This post is really to introduce you to Fat Cyclist, a blogger that quite possibly is even funnier than us. If that’s possible. Though he writes about biking and really, what’s so funny about biking? Evidently quite a bit and Fat C is on the front lines taking the piss out of everything and everyone. In the case of the ad on the right, he’s mocking some European cycling company’s clothing line. Or cream line. Not sure. Anyway, the funniest part is a very dour response by some crazy Swiss guy, Dr. Michael Lämmler, and Fat C’s hilarious response. Once again showing, the Swiss are just plain weird. If you read GoBlog and enjoy our mirth, definitely add Fat C to your RSS. [...]

  5. Comment by Chris | 09.14.2007 | 12:31 pm

    I am new to your site. This guy is a tool. Great site. Cheers.

  6. Comment by Ian Hopper | 09.17.2007 | 6:49 pm

    Dear lord… Fatty, this is fu*king hilarious: I was laughing OUT-LOUD… your newer readers should be prompted to go back and read this.

  7. Comment by Canadian roadie | 09.20.2007 | 8:25 am

    Can’t stop laughing, I’m glad my boss is away today!

  8. Comment by CDN Cyclist | 10.24.2007 | 6:05 am

    That response was incredible, still waiting on the definition of luxury body though. Fatty this is great stuff, definetly on my blog roll.

  9. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » How to be Popular, Part I: What To Carry | 01.15.2008 | 10:09 pm

    [...] Assos Chamois Creme (When only the very best will do for your spalming needs) [...]

  10. Comment by Steve | 01.18.2008 | 7:38 am

    Hah, great stuff. It’s no secret that some European cultures don’t “get,” American humor. I’m afraid that our dear Doktor would fall well within that category…

    Re. his reference to Assos inventing cycling luxury wear, I think they were the first company to use spandex in place of wool in cycling shorts. Might be wrong on that but I believe I read it somewhere…

    Best, Steve

  11. Comment by Si | 03.25.2008 | 5:28 am

    That guy is a complete muppet. He has just doesn’t understand satirical comedy. I notice he mentions that you must be suffering from some sort of complex…maybe you need to do more spalming, whatever that is! It sounds like the kind of thing that as a teenager my parents warned me would make me go blind :P

  12. Comment by Ben Edwards | 03.25.2008 | 1:58 pm

    I don’t know if you ever come back and read this, Elden, (judging by the opening to this post I guess that’s an affirmative) but every time I am bored/feeling glum I come back and read this post, and by the end of it I am always smiling. Pure gold.

  13. Comment by Will | 05.2.2008 | 5:20 am

    You are the biggest “little genius mind” I’ve ever read.

  14. Comment by Anna | 05.11.2008 | 12:24 am

    Being Mother’s Day today I got to spend as much time as I liked nosey-ing around your blog. Fan-bloody-tastic. Will be returning, for sure. Your brand of humour and social commentary is right up my alley. And you can spell. And you have a special flair for turning a phrase. Alas, my deadley (treadley) sits idle. May have to review that. Sorry to read about your wife. That is shitty.

  15. Comment by Hans | 05.20.2008 | 10:47 am

    That’s too funny! But Lance still used ASSOS chamois creme in all his Tour de France victories. Good enough for him at least… Also, ASSOS was indeed the first to use Lycra (don’t use the word spandex) in bicycling apparel.

  16. Comment by blinddrew | 08.7.2008 | 2:34 pm

    lordy, i have just laughed out loud. but when did your blog become a target for porn advertisements? not that i’m complaining per se…

  17. Comment by james | 09.6.2008 | 5:04 pm

    cool post dude

  18. Comment by joe | 09.26.2008 | 2:18 am

    haha, that’s great… now… off to spalm m’ballz!

  19. Comment by Kev | 10.6.2008 | 10:08 am

    Love that “juicy dinner” quote! You should put that on a t-shirt or something. ;)

  20. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » The 2009 Fat Cyclist Jerseys are Shipping | 10.10.2008 | 6:32 am

    [...] The Wit and Wisdom of Dr. Michael Lämmler [...]

  21. Comment by Ritcheyboy | 10.11.2008 | 8:42 pm

    Ya, Fatty don’t hassle the hoff.

  22. Comment by aussie kev | 10.12.2008 | 5:49 pm

    i was wondering where the quote came from

  23. Comment by bob | 10.19.2008 | 7:16 am

    hi great site 10x

  24. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » Stuff That’s Come in the Mail, Part III: Klunkerz | 02.12.2009 | 5:24 pm

    [...] The Wit and Wisdom of Dr. Michael Lämmler [...]

  25. Comment by Scott | 03.18.2009 | 5:17 am

    ha ha ha ha, one of the funniest things i’ve every read!
    I don’t think your humour is specifically American, but then I can’t recall the Germans/Swiss being known for their sense of humour.

    I imagine this guy likes to tootle around on his $15,000 carbon look with deep sections and then fastidiously clean it within an inch of it’s life. A true testament to an ‘all the gear and no idea’ kind of guy.

  26. Comment by mikE | 05.8.2009 | 1:11 pm

    Did anyone else read the Doc’s part of that letter with a Schwarzenegger accent, or was it just me?

    “I’m just a little Europeen…” – Priceless

  27. Comment by Joey | 05.17.2009 | 9:08 pm

    Fatty, You evil bastard! I opened up a fresh jar of Assos creme and it was BLUE!! and no more tingle!!Just because one chubby, wussy blogger whined about the tingle, it’s gone! At least the catalog is still soft porn. But who wants to engange in self abuse with non-tingly chamois creme? Ok. Dr. Lammler would, I hear he has a Luxury body stashed somewhere, but I aint a little anything especially not european. Pretty please tell them you wont use the stuff if they’ll just put back the tingle. And lose the color too, I ride a bike, I don’t need blue balls.

  28. Comment by Jan | 07.11.2009 | 6:47 am

    This is reallly funny – especially the thing with adding “a little glamour” with chamois creme to your life…

    By the way, he is not german for sure, I would have heard of him…

  29. Comment by Jason | 07.27.2009 | 7:11 pm

    WOW.. seriously… that was beyond funny.

  30. Comment by Ali Amagasu | 07.28.2009 | 12:59 pm

    Oh my God that was satisfying! Fantastic! And so cute that the good doctor was defending Lance! I have a feeling he spends a lot of time being confused.

  31. Comment by Randall Smith | 08.20.2009 | 6:08 pm

    You have put Dr. Lammler on the map. It may have been the fame and glory he was craving. Google results for this guy all point back to Fatty’s blog!

  32. Comment by Dave | 08.23.2009 | 7:40 am

    You may be amused to learn that the new (2009) cream seems to be menthol neutral…

    Dr. Lammer may not have thought much of your (assos)ment, butt somebody else there was listening…

  33. Comment by Daniel | 11.15.2009 | 3:46 am

    So funny

  34. Comment by Jenna | 12.4.2009 | 7:04 am

    Trying to find the ingredients list for assos cream, which should have been a five minute endeavor, thank you very much. I’ve now been sitting here reading for the better part of a half hour. You are HI-luurious!! Bookmarked.

  35. Comment by Bexi | 12.16.2009 | 11:22 pm

    this guy is one of the most disgusting and condescending a-holes ever! omg it must be the german coming out in him… ;)

  36. Comment by AWongGirl | 12.21.2009 | 9:16 pm

    Teeheeteehee…. Thanks for the chuckle. I needed some today. Cheers! ;)

  37. Comment by Virginia | 01.2.2010 | 8:33 am

    Loved it!

  38. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » Vote for Fatty…Or Vote for One of Fatty’s Friends | 01.22.2010 | 10:15 am

    [...] The Wit and Wisdom of Dr. Michael Lämmler [...]

  39. Comment by Fonk | 03.19.2010 | 9:47 pm

    That was hilarious. If only he’d write you a letter every week… :)

  40. Comment by Mike | 04.16.2010 | 2:58 pm

    Fanbloodytastic! I can’t stop laughing, I almost wet myself…nearly cried i meant! anyways keep it up Fatty! Well done, I will be reading this blog again and again! Cheers!

  41. Comment by Grant | 05.4.2010 | 1:14 pm

    Dr. L (the umlaut makes the pronunciation LAME-ler) is obviously a spoof.

    Real Germans are nothing if not full of wit and gentle humor, and since his mother was an American, he would have at least half a sense of humor if he were a real person. While he never says he actually knew his mother, we can presume he speaks Euro-English because his mother spoke English to him while his father spoke Euro, apparently resulting in an offspring argot incomprehensible to Angle and Saxon, alike.

    Another proof that he is not real is that we would all feel pity for him if he were real, whereas it is clear from the previous posts that no one does.

  42. Comment by sit ubu sit | 06.3.2010 | 12:02 am

    Proof the “luxury body” does not exist:

  43. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » The 2011 Fat Cyclist Gear Pre-Order Starts Now | 07.12.2010 | 12:59 pm

    [...] The Wit and Wisdom of Dr. Michael Lämmler [...]

  44. Comment by huffNpuff | 08.22.2010 | 2:27 pm

    LOL just found this site its awsome ! dude you just picked up another fan !

  45. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » 2011 Fat Cyclist T-Shirts: Dangerously Cool, Available Now (And Fat Cyclist Hoodies and Trainers are 30% Off) | 12.15.2010 | 8:38 am

    [...] The Wit and Wisdom of Dr. Michael Lämmler [...]

  46. Comment by Squirrelhead | 12.15.2010 | 10:54 am

    Oh man that is hilarious! I have not stopped laughing especially after reading “you spalmed it on your balls instead of your butt”.

  47. Comment by Zzinged | 01.4.2011 | 11:28 pm

    HA HAHAHA! “My english is not perfect but I hope your comedian mastermind this time around might actually get the point.” HAHAHAHAH

    Did you ask your comedic mastermind if he did, in fact, get the point? What’s his answer?

  48. Comment by Roscoe | 02.13.2011 | 4:29 am

    I think I’ve just p*ssed my self laughing…that guy is great…is he the comedian mastermind?

  49. Comment by fvh | 04.22.2011 | 7:23 am

    I feel kinda sorry for the little Euronut. I could picture his face, wet with tears… bahahahahahahahaha!

  50. Comment by Blooshirt | 09.12.2011 | 11:53 am

    A doctor…a doctor of what? Since his mother is American you would have thought he would have run his laughable letter by his mommy for her review and approval before sending it. For a European the Doc is uncharacteristically arrogant and condescending:) What a girly man!

  51. Comment by Richard | 10.6.2011 | 6:26 am

    So did the good doctor make any point in the end? It seemed like a directionless rant. Your supposition that he might have been the copywriter is probably close.

    @blooshirt : He’s geographically European, but Switzerland isn’t part of the club (they’re evidently very exclusive in Switzerland, excluding themselves like that). It must irk them that they’re landlocked, trapped in a continent they don’t really want to be a part of. When they send their navy to sort us out we’ll worry, they’re a clever bunch. About 70 years ago they managed to get a lot of money, and all Germany got was a reputation.

    PS I don’t have a luxury body, but I’m packing myself with all the essentials for the day when I can afford the body. I have ABS and TCS, and I fitted myself with Climate Control just the other day, hoping I’d at least look cool.

  52. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » Comedian Mastermind: The Best of, 2005-2007 | 10.30.2011 | 8:32 pm

    [...] title comes from the The Wit and Wisdom of Dr. Michael Lämmler, where he scolds me, “I hope your comedian mastermind this time around might actually get the [...]

  53. Comment by Newpschk | 11.10.2011 | 11:32 am

    It’s a damn good thing I am the boss, cuz’ I just spent 30 minutes laughing my ass – os (maybe I can procure some of the old style chamois creme to take care of this). Keep it up FC!! Thanks for the giggles!

  54. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » Is It Time for a Fat Cyclist Jersey? | 12.9.2011 | 9:02 am

    [...] matter. There’s no way I’m deleting that post. Especially since that would mean losing Dr. Lammler’s comment, which I think we can all agree is the best thing that has ever appeared in my [...]


Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.