Team Davitamon-Lotto Announces It Wishes It Were Dead

02.15.2006 | 4:41 pm

February 15, 2006 (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – The riders of Team Davitamon-Lotto took the occasion of their 2006 team presentation last week to formally announce that they all wish they were dead.

“While at first there was a split between some riders wishing we were dead and others wishing we had never been born, we agreed it was important that we act as a team on this issue,” said star sprinter Robby McEwan, shown below.

“And so,” continued McEwan, “I am both pleased and extraordinarily distraught to announce that my teammates and I all wish we were dead at this moment.”

“Or,” added teammate Chris Horner, “We might be satisfied with killing the people who designed, approved, produced, and forced us to wear these shirts.”

Team Presentation Shirt Described

The outfit Team Davitamon was forced to wear has numerous unusual features, including:

  • Made of slinky white polyester
  • Red and blue trim, including racing stripes down the side, along with blue cuffs
  • A red interior collar and a stiff blue exterior collar.
  • Extraordinarily strange-looking white patch of material that goes over the right shoulder and traverses the chest, logoed with, evidently, “Brustor.” Note that this patch of material may be modeled after a hunter’s shoulder pad, though this is unclear. Further note that Brustor does not get what it pays for, since the “s” in their logo is inevitably tucked neatly into the wearer’s armpit.
  • Three red straps holding the chest strap in place. Each strap is fastened with a snap at each end.
  • Blue and black super-fat tie with a Davitamon logo and asymmetrical tip.
  • A clip and chain, going from the chest strap to the super-fat tie, and terminating in a red disc which looks like it may have an LED function, or perhaps is a container with a cyanide tablet inside, just in case the mortification of wearing this getup becomes too much.

This shirt is by most counts, a horrible monstrosity. It would, however, be a suitable uniform for workers at a fast-food restaurant, or performers in a circus. Until now, nobody would have ever suspected that one could force top-tier professional cyclists — especially in a team that has one of the more conservative jersey designs in the peloton — to wear such a thing.

Team Presentation Shirt Explained

Davitamon, the primary sponsor of this team, is a vitamin company, and not — as one might gather from the shirts being worn by the team — a manufacturer of circus tents. A spokesperson for Davitamon described the genesis of these shirts as follows: “Well, we wanted something that really popped. Something colorful, that really showed off our brand.”

When asked by a reporter why the team jersey would not accomplish this purpose, as well as help the public identify the riders during races this season, the spokesperson — who wished to remain anonymous, which is unusual for company spokespeople — said, “Oh. I wasn’t aware they already had team shirts. I’m not really into motorcycles, you know.”

“Anyway,” the spokesperson continued, “We just told this designer friend of mine we needed something big and bright with the logos front and center, and maybe a little dressy, and that he should have fun with it. And as you can see, this is a very fun outfit. Isn’t it fabulous?”

Team Reaction

Leon Van Bon, shown below, said that when he first saw the shirt-and-tie combination, he thought it was a joke. “I arrived at the presentation with my new bike kit, clean and ready to wear. And then this PR flack hands me this clown suit and tells me to put it on. I thought it was just a gag the others were pulling on me, until I looked around and saw the other riders’ faces.”

American racer Chris Horner was similarly displeased. “If anyone ever sees a picture of me in this outfit, I will never be able to show my face in the US ever again” (photo shown below).

Team manager Marc Sergeant, who did not have to wear an absurd outfit, took the death wish of his entire team in stride. “Actually, they had banded together, saying they would not wear these shirts, until I told them they had to,” said Sergeant.

“This goes to show,” continued the team manager, “I can make these guys do anything I want. My power over them is absolute.”

PS: Thanks to Fat Cyclist Fake News Service Correspondent NathanV, who first made me aware of these outfits. Nathan is also the one, by the way, who first tipped me off to Ekimov’s mullet. Way to keep your ear to the ground, Nathan.


  1. Comment by Juliet | 02.15.2006 | 4:56 pm

    If my mother made it

  2. Comment by John | 02.15.2006 | 5:09 pm

    I’d have to get paid.  A lot.  No, more than that. 
    Nope, that’s still not enough.  But I’m almost sure there’s an
    amount that would get me to do it.  Keep trying …

  3. Comment by Unknown | 02.15.2006 | 5:17 pm

    I think the only way I would put that get-up on would be if I had to carry the large kit bags filled w/ $100 dollar bils. Or if they found some of those photos that I was sure were all destroyed…. Ya know, I think this should qualify the team to be on one of those world’s worst job shows on Discovery. Would I rather wade in a sewer all, pop zits, change bed pans, or were the Davitamon outfit ? No contest.

  4. Comment by Unknown | 02.15.2006 | 5:20 pm

    I would wear the shirt with one modification.  The "blackness" of the tie would not be loud enough for my purpose.
    But . . . if we could enhance the LED feature of the clip and chain and change the tie color to something in a bright orange . . .
    I would certainly wear this shirt while hunting with Dick Cheney.

  5. Comment by Unknown | 02.15.2006 | 5:37 pm

    I’d wear it for a Banjo Bros. bike bag.

    I’d also wear it on a date if I was looking for a way to get dumped. That way I could get out of the relationship, yet still play the victim. Of course I am married, so If i tried that my wife would just laugh at me, then take the shirt and burn it. She’d probably try and toss in a few of my bike jerseys into the fire just for good measure.

    I do see a future with those shirts though on male figure skaters.

  6. Comment by Unknown | 02.15.2006 | 5:40 pm

    If someone were going to give me a sweet bike, clothes, etc, and
    provide support for me to spend a year riding around scenic places in
    Europe, Asia, and America  with the top bike racers in the world,
    not to mention a decent salary which would allow me to keep my wife in
    the manner to which she’s become acustomed – Sure, I might spend an
    afternoon in a monkey suit.

    If I could wear a mullet, or get a facial tattoo, I might give up the requirement to support the wife.

  7. Comment by gunnek | 02.15.2006 | 6:00 pm

    I would wear it here or there.
    I would wear it anywhere.
    I would wear it in a boat.
    I would wear it with a goat.
    I would wear it in the rain.
    I would wear it on a train.
    I would wear it in a box.
    I would wear it with a fox.
    I would wear it with some Jam.
    I DO like it, Sam I am.

  8. Comment by Unknown | 02.15.2006 | 6:01 pm

    hmm… court appearance for child support hearing. no judge would believe I had any money if I came in wearing that shirt.also…job interview for a company that I didn’t want to work atclown schoola first date. if someone likes me when I’m wearing that, well then, it’s true love? eh? eh?

  9. Comment by Unknown | 02.15.2006 | 6:03 pm

    Oh it’d be funny if the winner should have to wear the shirt to something too. Like a dinner paid for by the Fat Cyclist commenting crew? Pictures would have to be taken, etc.

  10. Comment by craig | 02.15.2006 | 6:08 pm

    like other have said….if someone would be willing to pay me (well) to ride my bike, I would wear just about anything.
    FC- I received the best valentines day present yesterday as my Banjo brothers saddle bag pannier came in the mail from a contest I won 1/17/06.    Well constructed and looks great on the back of my townie.

  11. Comment by Unknown | 02.15.2006 | 6:11 pm

    I’d wear it if it came stuffed inside a BB xtra large commuter bag.

  12. Comment by Unknown | 02.15.2006 | 6:17 pm

    i would’ve worn it, if it would’ve helped
    tyler hamilton’s defence.
    i’m sure the court would’ve felt sorry for tyler
    to even be associated with me and found him

  13. Comment by Andrew | 02.15.2006 | 6:21 pm

    If someone said that Lance wore one just like it, except in yellow, on the TDF, I’d wear it too.
    I’d also wear dirty underpants on my head if Lance does it, too.

  14. Comment by Unknown | 02.15.2006 | 6:23 pm

    Hmmm, be able to ride my bike and Get paid for it???  Where’s my funny clown shirt?  I’ll wear it and smile pretty for the press as long as the checks are clearing my bank account.
    I ride a bike in lycra shorts and loud tight fitting jersey and you are quibbling with a loud shirt that pays the bills?

  15. Comment by Unknown | 02.15.2006 | 6:31 pm

    I would wear it when hunting with the VP: No one could mistake it for a naturallly occurring phenomina

  16. Comment by Unknown | 02.15.2006 | 6:38 pm

    only if i had no self-esteem/self-confidence, and i considered myself a total dork.  tomorrow, then?

  17. Comment by Paul Beard | 02.15.2006 | 6:43 pm

    I’d wear a leopard print unitard on stage if I had the opportunity of racing pro in Europe with Robbie and Chris!

  18. Comment by Unknown | 02.15.2006 | 6:53 pm

    Just read Budda43’s comment sorry of the unitentional repetition

  19. Comment by Unknown | 02.15.2006 | 6:54 pm

    If you can get one to me before Friday, I’ll wear it to my competency hearing. . .

  20. Comment by Unknown | 02.15.2006 | 7:09 pm

    Actually, I would wear the shirt right now.  I had bright idea, or thought I did.  Iinstead of checking to see if anyone else had the same bright idea, I rushed to publish.  Wearing the shirt woulld be a concrete reminder that I am often an idiot.  Ideally, this tangable reminder of the dangers of rushing to speak would remind me to follow Honest Abe’s comment about letting people think I am an idiot by remaining silent when speaking removes all doubt.

  21. Comment by Unknown | 02.15.2006 | 7:23 pm

    You mean that story is fake, and they wore those shirts under conditions other than "at gunpoint"? 
    No way.  Surely you are joking and the story reported above is real.  You are just faking us out and pretending it is satire.  
    Ps.  Alas – what is a  "tangable reminder" - is that when Neil Armstrong reminds you that the Saturn program astronauts drink Tang, for healthy bones and teeth? 

  22. Comment by Unknown | 02.15.2006 | 7:26 pm

    At a They Might Be Giants concert.

  23. Comment by Jsun | 02.15.2006 | 8:10 pm

    Just as everyone else has already said, but in a round-about way:
    I would wear it in exchange for an awesome Banjo Brothers Bicycle Bag.  If need be I would photoshop my face into a photo and email to all my friends, and even better yet, my enemies.  You could also post my mug, a la coutre fashion on your blog.  I might even pucker since this is kissing up.
    p.s. Please post warnings about catchy tunes before posting them.  I know the danger should have been obvious, like such great disclaimers as – ‘do not use this hairdryer in the shower’.  But, sigh, I found myself humming, then singing ‘Birdhouse’ on my route home, hours after reading your blog.  Today I brought in the defenses (mp3 player) so just try to earworm me now.

  24. Comment by barry1021 | 02.15.2006 | 8:14 pm

    It would be appropriate at the funeral of Dr. Michael Lammler, not that I would ever wish for such an event.

  25. Comment by Unknown | 02.15.2006 | 8:27 pm

    What is the problem?  Apart from the sponsors names, this is what we’re all wearing this spring in Europe.  Vivien Westwood is the new black

  26. Comment by BIg Mike In Oz | 02.15.2006 | 8:37 pm

    I think Davitamon are branching into the sale of other tablets.  Like Crack.
    The shirt… when would I wear the shirt?  2 circumstances.
    1.  For a bet/dare approximately equal to the value of my house.
    2.  Check my pulse.  Present?  Then no.  Absent?  My wife would say no.

  27. Comment by Unknown | 02.15.2006 | 8:58 pm

    I’d wear the thing if I was applying to clown college.  I’d just have to hope they wouldn’t ask me to pronounce Davitamon, or if they did just mumble and show how I can ride one of those tiny little bikes with giant floppy shoes.  That clip and chain are to keep the damned tie out of the spokes, right?

  28. Comment by Unknown | 02.15.2006 | 9:02 pm

    Hey Fatty,
    It’s perfect. I’ll wear it in my remake of Saturday Night Fever. I might have to loosen the tie some more to show off my manly chest though.(shudder)
    Speaking of earworms, the BGs had some pretty scarey ones from the above soundtrack.
    Ah, Ah, Ah,Ah stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive………

  29. Comment by pete | 02.15.2006 | 9:26 pm


    The only circumstances under which I would wear this would be in a
    competition to see whether any item of clothing exists which Mario
    Cipollini does not suit better than me.


  30. Comment by Unknown | 02.15.2006 | 9:57 pm

    Big Al,
    A "tangable reminder" is a spelling error; pointing  out a spelling error is  reason to wear the shirt.

  31. Comment by Tom Stormcrowe | 02.15.2006 | 11:26 pm

    There isn’t enough money in the world!

  32. Comment by Burra King | 02.15.2006 | 11:36 pm

    Do what your told you poor paid schmucks. The cycling manager says jump, you say how high! This is a chance for revenge for poor plebs like the average joe who ride $2 aluminium cans with op shop cycling clothes. The cycling manager tells me to wear these fancy clothes i say *#@! off i wear what i want. Aah taste the freedom of choice, otherwise known as too poor to afford clothes like that. Better stop crying before the salt rusts my bike.

  33. Comment by Big Guy on a Bicycle | 02.16.2006 | 12:36 am

    I’d wear it to a wedding next week.  I don’t like the bride, and the groom was a bit of a jerk the one time I met him.  Maybe I could then give it to them and let it be their wedding gift?  Hmm, sounds almost…diabolical.

  34. Comment by Orit | 02.16.2006 | 12:43 am

    if Davitaman-Lotto paid me

  35. Comment by Nanget | 02.16.2006 | 1:27 am

    When the insanity plea is required that is the required image.
    I’d wear it to a nightclub, clearing the dance floor would be my specialty.

  36. Comment by Unknown | 02.16.2006 | 3:16 am

    I’d wear it:
    - if the sponsors on the shirt paid me for every time one of the readers of my very erudite and enormously popular blog clicked on their links,
    - it if it hid the effects on my waistline of a weekend of binge eating,
    - if I was the instigator of one of the greatest trolls in the history of blogging, aka Dr Lammler,
    - and if my name was Robby McEwan rather than the better known Australian sprinter (and father of Ewan McEwen) Robbie McEwen.

  37. Comment by bradley | 02.16.2006 | 3:32 am

    I’d wear that, that thing, just to get my picture front and center on the fat cyclist blog!

  38. Comment by BIg Mike In Oz | 02.16.2006 | 5:10 am

    alas – Maybe Al was being a wordsmith.  Tang makes it tangable.
    Tom – I’m a bit worried about what planet you’re from.  If you ride a $2 aluminium can, you should be exempt from the anxiety of a rusting bike.

  39. Comment by Unknown | 02.16.2006 | 5:59 am

    Actually, Chris Horner’s appearence (almost) benefits from this shirt. It tries, but fails, to distract your attention from his head, which looks like a tree after a beaver is finished with it.

    I would wear this if:

    1. You pointed a gun at me.

    2. Someone larger than myself asked me put it on, in a menacing tone.

    3. Someone smaller than myself (male) asked me put it on, in a menacing tone. (I am a coward, but sexist.)

    4. Someone larger than myself (adult female) asked me put it on, in a menacing tone, while holding a pointy object. (I am a coward, period.)

    5. My daugter asked me to put it on.

    6. You offered me 5 bucks (camera not present) or 20 bucks (camera ready and loaded).

    7. It was Halloween.

  40. Comment by Unknown | 02.16.2006 | 3:27 pm

    In the olympic spirit: If the option came down to this or luge-unisuit, I’d go with this. At least it hides all the fat on my body. But I think it’s less efficient, aerodynamically, which would seriously hurt my medal chances.

  41. Comment by Unknown | 02.16.2006 | 3:56 pm

    I’d wear it on my shift at TGI Fridays.
    But I need suspenders.

  42. Comment by Unknown | 02.16.2006 | 4:22 pm

    Imagine what might have happened if Mario Cippolini was on the team?  1- He’d refuse and wear a zebra striped Roman Emperor outfit instead.  2-He’d love it (and make it look good).  Or Floyd Landis?  No way he’d put up with that kind of crap…  This looks like something the "designers" on Project Runway (my daughters watch it – sometimes while I’m in the room…) would come up with.

  43. Comment by Unknown | 02.16.2006 | 6:28 pm

    I’d absolutely wear one if it came with the bike and a season of free massage. As far as songs getting stuck in your head, I seem to have a penchant for childrens’ songs. My wife has never forgiven me for singing the Sesame Street "Sunny days" song on a particularly arduous climb during a century. Riding in rural areas often gets me stuck on the "Cows" song from a little book called Philadelphia Chickens. It would be okay they stayed only in my head but apparently the ensuing echos cause them to come out of mouth for everyone’s benefit.

  44. Comment by Unknown | 02.16.2006 | 6:53 pm

    Big Mike,
    Do you mean that Big Al is forging a tang in the smithy of his soul?  I think he was just being a yutz. 

  45. Comment by Unknown | 02.16.2006 | 6:59 pm

    Alas, catching me at being a pedantic jerk is about as difficult as outrunning a two-legged dog.  What other colossal challenges do you anticipate next? 

  46. Comment by Unknown | 02.16.2006 | 7:57 pm

    Big Al,
    You are misusing pendantic.  A pendantic jerk would point out that fungible would be the proper term.  A yutz, on the other hand, is a plain old ordinary boor who leaps on simple mistakes with all the wit and wisdom of, well, Big Al.  On the plus side, as they say, admitting you have, or in this case are, a problem is the first of the twelve or so steps necessary to correct it. Good luck with the long slog to self-improvement.

  47. Comment by Craig | 02.16.2006 | 7:59 pm

    I’d probably wear it to appear on a talk show.  But I’d have to consult with Kramer, George & Elaine first. 

  48. Comment by Tim | 02.16.2006 | 8:12 pm

    I think you missed one of the better photos showing what some of them really thought… Australian Henk Vogels

  49. Comment by watrbg2 | 02.16.2006 | 9:05 pm

    I am fashion impaired, I need Grananimals for Adults to dress myself in the morning. But there is no way I would ever, ever wear that outfit.

  50. Comment by watrbg2 | 02.16.2006 | 9:09 pm

    I am fashion impaired, I need Grananimals for Adults to dress myself in the morning.That said there is no way I’d ever wear that outfit (though it probably would go with just about any of my Grananimals wardrobe!).

  51. Comment by joan | 02.16.2006 | 10:27 pm

    I’d wear it to the hairdresser to get my Flock of Seagulls haircut.

  52. Comment by Burra King | 02.16.2006 | 10:37 pm

    Big Mike from OZ you ask me what planet i’m from, same one as you and as it happens same region too! Yes i knom aluminium doesn’t rust, but surely the fact that it’s aluminium and it’s rusting shows how bad it really is. Cheers.

  53. Comment by nick | 02.17.2006 | 12:17 am

    To my chargrin I have not lived enough years for an occasion to present itself that an outfit like this would have been afforded an opportunity to take it’s rightful place in couture history. I sustain myself on the hope that one day, it may.

  54. Comment by k | 02.17.2006 | 2:35 am

    Umm…Under what circumstances would I wear that outfit?  Let me just think about that…. Oh, yeah…    NONE!  Ever.

  55. Comment by Unknown | 02.17.2006 | 3:01 am


  56. Comment by Unknown | 02.17.2006 | 3:12 am

    Alas, c’mon.  Pendantic?  You spelled it that way three times on purpose, just to keep this little sub-thread going, didn’t you?  And your use of "fungible" is freakin’ frangible. 
    Seriously now, how do you figure I’m misusing the term "pedantic"?  The American Heritage Dictionary (first refuge of a pedant, after Strunk & White’s Elements of Style) says "pedantic" means "[c]haracterized by a narrow, often ostentatious concern for book learning and formal rules: a pedantic attention to details."  Y’know.  Like an officious jerk who first jokes, then harps on spelling and malaprops in blog comments. 
    Why do I suddenly feel like the Steve Martin character in Roxanne after the bar scene where he makes 50 jokes about how big his nose is?  C’mon.  Can’t we talk about how slow or fat I am instead?

  57. Comment by BIg Mike In Oz | 02.17.2006 | 7:13 am

    Tom – I’ve been in the lab all day trying to generate rust on an aluminium can.  Just joking, just like this morning.  But where I live, everything rusts.  We even had to take the dog in for treatment.  The salt in the air this close to the beach is a killer.
    Al – alas was using the peNdantic correctly.  He was accusing you of hanging around your own neck.  Although, if you shower regularly, I don’t now how that could be nasty.

  58. Comment by Jill | 02.17.2006 | 8:37 am

    I’ve been reading all the comments, and it seems the general
    consensus  is "not ever never ever ever, Sam I Am, etc." Still,
    aren’t you guys forgetting how slimming big ties can be? Not the
    mention the touch of upper class in that dangly thing hanging off the
    shirt. Yes, classy indeed. By the way, thanks for the well wishes,
    Elden. It definitely means a lot coming from an endurance racing
    veteran such as yourself.

  59. Comment by Unknown | 02.17.2006 | 12:53 pm

    I would wear the shirt if:

    1) I was paide a modest sum


    2) I was attending a Morrissey concert. Gotta stay happy some how…

  60. Comment by tayfuryagci | 02.17.2006 | 1:16 pm

    man, they look stupid.

  61. Comment by Unknown | 02.17.2006 | 2:51 pm

    I would wear these suits if they let me finish graduate school early!  Or, perhaps a new bike.

  62. Comment by Unknown | 02.17.2006 | 3:25 pm

    I’d be happy to wear this getup if I were a  majorette in an early 1980s high school marching

  63. Comment by Loes | 02.17.2006 | 3:53 pm

    Errr….well….you can’t say their shirt isn’t original. Next time when I have a team presentation, I’m not going to complain about the jersey being to wide, I don’t like the shorts’ colour etc….I’m just going to be glad we don’t have to wear that…..

  64. Comment by Lynelle | 02.17.2006 | 4:00 pm

    Hey Fatty – are you planning on watching and/or commentating on the upcoming Amgen Tour of California?

  65. Comment by Unknown | 02.17.2006 | 8:54 pm

    If I was riding my bike through Death Valley, CA in July with only arm warmers, full fingered gloves, shorts, tights, balaclava, helmet, socks and shoes. Oh yea, and I had the rare skin disease “Erythropoietic Porphyria”.
    Erythropoietic Porphyria – any of several usually hereditary abnormalities of porphyrin metabolism characterized by excretion of excess porphyrins in the urine and by extreme sensitivity to light

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