Stunt Diet

05.15.2006 | 11:18 am

Over the weekend, while resting between taking loads of stuff to the hazardous waste transfer station (about 25-years-worth of paint and pesticides have accumulated in the garage; I’ve decided to be the guy that leaves the next owner with a clean garage) I found some time to catch up on friends’ blogs. One of them was Al Maviva’s recap of the weight loss competition he and Rocky did (Congrats to both, by the way, and especially to Al).

It got me thinking.

I’ve had a tough time sticking to a diet lately. While I have motivation a-plenty (two major races and the likelihood of giving up a bike if I don’t get started), I’m not losing weight. And it’s not like I don’t know how to lose weight. I know exactly what to do to get results. I’m just not doing it.

Dieting has become too…ordinary. Too dull. Reduce the fat, keep the calories down, eat a lot of fruits, vegetables and whole grains, drink lots of water, blah blah blah blah blah.

Even my main schtick—the threat of public exposure and personal penalty—has become old. Yeah yeah, I have to tell everyone how much I weigh. Yeah yeah, I have to give someone something.


I need something different to motivate me. Something exciting. Something different. Something dramatic.

Something, if it comes down to it, completely harebrained and ridiculous.

I need a stunt diet.

My New Diet
As I was reading blogs and thinking about my dietary funk, I was eating a Dannon Light ‘n Fit yogurt (which I have mentioned before). I took a look at the nutritional information: 60 calories. I did some quick math (which I did not need a calculator for): I’d have to eat 30 of these things in a day to get even 1800 calories. Idly, I wondered if that would even be possible.

And then my wonder turned into something not-so-idle.

Two minutes later, I had figured out my new diet.

  • Monday (today): Nothing but Light ‘n Fit yogurt. As many as I want / can stand. There are currently twenty in the fridge—my wife is not happy about this—but I’ll go out for more later if I need to.
  • Tuesday: Nothing but Clif Bars. Limit of 2400 calories. I give myself this limit because I can easily imagine eating eighteen Clif Bars in a day.
  • Wednesday: Nothing but raw fruit. Emphasis on bananas and grapefruit.
  • Thursday: Nothing but pasta with marinara sauce.
  • Friday: Nothing but chicken.
  • Weekends: Eat like a normal person.

Of course, the stunt diet has several caveats:

  • Breakfast: I still get to start the morning with a bowl of Fiber One. Hey, I’m turning forty in a month, and besides, I’m not exactly doing my stomach a favor here.
  • Diet Coke with Lime: I plan to drink it endlessly.
  • Water: I will drink a half gallon of water each day, in addition to any water I drink while on the bike.
  • On-Bike Food: I get to pack and eat a Clif Bar on any ride longer than 35 miles.

My Expectation
I think I’m going to lose four pounds this week, and will be so excited I’ll do it again next week. This diet is going to work so well for me, in fact, that I’ll hit my goal of 155 well before the Leadville 100. Soon, you’ll all be secretly considering this diet yourselves, based on the unbelievable results I have achieved. Eventually, it will become a craze, I’ll write a popular diet book, and will become fabulously wealthy. I will still write this blog, but will charge $19.99 / month for a subscription.

The Stunt Diet™—for I now choose to capitalize it and put a trademark symbol after it—is going to be huge. Just you wait and see.


  1. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » Get a Grip | 11.7.2007 | 12:16 pm

    [...] My PlanJust so you know, I intend to use The Stunt Dietâ„¢ as my method to lose weight. This will be the second time I will do The Stunt Dietâ„¢, however, and I have modified it to be even stranger than before. Specifically: [...]

  2. Comment by wooden serving trays | 11.17.2007 | 12:57 am

    Nothing but Light ‘n Fit yogurt. As many as I want / can stand. There are currently twenty in the fridge—my wife is not happy about this—but I’ll go out for more later if I need to.

  3. Trackback by SOG knives | 07.18.2008 | 3:19 am

    SOG knives

    Interesting ideas… I wonder how the Hollywood media would portray this?


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