Over the weekend, while resting between taking loads of stuff to the hazardous waste transfer station (about 25-years-worth of paint and pesticides have accumulated in the garage; Iâ€™ve decided to be the guy that leaves the next owner with a clean garage) I found some time to catch up on friendsâ€™ blogs. One of them was Al Mavivaâ€™s recap of the weight loss competition he and Rocky did (Congrats to both, by the way, and especially to Al).
Iâ€™ve had a tough time sticking to a diet lately. While I have motivation a-plenty (two major races and the likelihood of giving up a bike if I donâ€™t get started), Iâ€™m not losing weight. And itâ€™s not like I donâ€™t know how to lose weight. I know exactly what to do to get results. Iâ€™m just not doing it.
Dieting has become tooâ€¦ordinary. Too dull. Reduce the fat, keep the calories down, eat a lot of fruits, vegetables and whole grains, drink lots of water, blah blah blah blah blah.
Even my main schtickâ€”the threat of public exposure and personal penaltyâ€”has become old. Yeah yeah, I have to tell everyone how much I weigh. Yeah yeah, I have to give someone something.
I need something different to motivate me. Something exciting. Something different. Something dramatic.
Something, if it comes down to it, completely harebrained and ridiculous.
I need a stunt diet.
My New Diet
As I was reading blogs and thinking about my dietary funk, I was eating a Dannon Light â€˜n Fit yogurt (which I have mentioned before). I took a look at the nutritional information: 60 calories. I did some quick math (which I did not need a calculator for): Iâ€™d have to eat 30 of these things in a day to get even 1800 calories. Idly, I wondered if that would even be possible.
And then my wonder turned into something not-so-idle.
Two minutes later, I had figured out my new diet.
- Monday (today): Nothing but Light â€˜n Fit yogurt. As many as I want / can stand. There are currently twenty in the fridgeâ€”my wife is not happy about thisâ€”but Iâ€™ll go out for more later if I need to.
- Tuesday: Nothing but Clif Bars. Limit of 2400 calories. I give myself this limit because I can easily imagine eating eighteen Clif Bars in a day.
- Wednesday: Nothing but raw fruit. Emphasis on bananas and grapefruit.
- Thursday: Nothing but pasta with marinara sauce.
- Friday: Nothing but chicken.
- Weekends: Eat like a normal person.
Of course, the stunt diet has several caveats:
- Breakfast: I still get to start the morning with a bowl of Fiber One. Hey, Iâ€™m turning forty in a month, and besides, Iâ€™m not exactly doing my stomach a favor here.
- Diet Coke with Lime: I plan to drink it endlessly.
- Water: I will drink a half gallon of water each day, in addition to any water I drink while on the bike.
- On-Bike Food: I get to pack and eat a Clif Bar on any ride longer than 35 miles.
I think Iâ€™m going to lose four pounds this week, and will be so excited Iâ€™ll do it again next week. This diet is going to work so well for me, in fact, that Iâ€™ll hit my goal of 155 well before the Leadville 100. Soon, youâ€™ll all be secretly considering this diet yourselves, based on the unbelievable results I have achieved. Eventually, it will become a craze, Iâ€™ll write a popular diet book, and will become fabulously wealthy. I will still write this blog, but will charge $19.99 / month for a subscription.
The Stunt Dietâ„¢â€”for I now choose to capitalize it and put a trademark symbol after itâ€”is going to be huge. Just you wait and see.