A note from Fatty: Yesterday, I (considerately) wrote a letter to my good friend Dug, in the hopes of dissuading him from his ill-conceived plan of riding the Leadville 100 on a rigid singlespeed (click here to read it).
Dug, alas, took offense.
In the interest of fair play and equal time (for I am a generous person, as well as fair and just. Oh, and handsome. I’m handsome, too.), I have posted Dug’s reply below.
Elden, you are my friend. In fact, you are one of my oldest friends, and by old, I don’t mean that you are old (although you are), but that I’ve been friends with you for a long time. So long, in fact, that when I met you, you were a retarded, floundering rollerblader. I took you to the bike shop to buy your first bike. And your second bike. I think you’re now on your eighteenth bike, but I got bored helping you buy them and lost track.
In short, Elden, you are a flibberdigibit, and a poor judge of Leadville finishing times.
You are also a dipweed.
Rather than list all the reasons why I shall not only finish the Leadville inside of 12 hours next year, not only finish inside of 12 hours on a singlespeed, not only a singlespeed but a RIGID singlespeed, not only finish Leadville on rigid singlespeed, but in UNDER 10 hours, rather than list all the reasons why I’m confident that I will do this, I will simply offer you a wager.
- If I finish Leadville next year in less than ten hours on my crappy, “Brad Keyes maintained” Surly Karate Monkey rigid singlespeed YOU will give ME whatever bike you ride in Leadville.
- If I finish in Leadville in more than 11 hours, I will give YOU the bike I ride in the race.
- If I finish between 10 and 11 hours, we’ll call it a push. You keep your bike, I keep mine. But, in this case, since I’ll have finished (and you contend I won’t finish), you’ll have to maintain my bike for me for the rest of calendar 2007.Â Â
Pick up the glove, Ricky Bobby. I will enjoy haphazardly training all next year, eating Pink Cookies and Twizzlers and cookies, drinking Diet Coke during the race, and collecting your $4,000 bike at the finish line. After which I will celebrate my 42nd birthday, and as a gift to myself, I will ride your (my) bike on Hog Hollow after a rainstorm, and never get it tuned up.
Fool that you are, Dug, I accept your challenge–in spite of the fact that you’re oh-so-courageously betting your $400 bike against my $2500 (not $4000) one–as long as you agree toÂ the following stipulations:
If you do not finish at all, you give me both your Surly and your Gemini. I will use the Gemini for parts, or donate it to charity, if they’ll have it.
If I decide to do the race on a singlespeed (and I do not at this time commit to any such thing) and finish the race an hour or more faster than you, you must wear the “Fatty Rules” jersey on at least one ride per week for the following 12 months (Botched will be happy to loan you the jersey, I suspect).
If I decide to do the race on a singlespeed and then successfully finish, but you do not, you must live with the shame of that memory for the rest of your life.
PS: If you’d like to place your own Fatty v. Dug bet, I’ve created a topic in Fatty’s Forum for just that.