Finally, I Have Figured Out How to Lose Weight Permanently

12.4.2006 | 11:52 am

A Note from Fatty: Congratulations to James for being random; he’s the winner of the triple-awesome Banjo Brothers Commuter Backpack! James, email me and I’ll hook you up.

If you were to hang around with me for a couple days, you would wonder how it’s possible I could ever be a fat cyclist (and to be clear: I am rapidly becoming fat again, what with the daily high temperature being just above the point at which oxygen liquefies). In the morning, I have a bowl of high-fiber cereal, usually with either fat-free milk or fat-free yogurt.

Often, I have fruit with breakfast.

For lunch, I eat pasta, more often than not. And by “pasta,” I mean pasta I have cooked at home and brought to work. I have a little sauce on the pasta, and a couple large spoonsful of cottage cheese. But I rarely have meat with the pasta, and never any cheese.

Often, during the day I will have a snack: fruit, more often than not.

For dinner, I eat a reasonable dinner.

The Danger Hours
And yet, I gain weight. This is due to the nightly transformation — usually around 10pm — I make after the kids have gone to bed. This is the couple of hours during which my wife and I aren’t taking care of kids or work. This is the time when I read the news, read comments on my blog, read a book, and maybe watch something on TV.

This is, in short, the time when I am sitting down in very near proximity to both the pantry and fridge. This is the time when I can eat absentmindedly, eating an entire bowl of cereal without being aware that I ate anything at all. Then eating another bowl of cereal because I’m a little disappointed in myself for not paying proper attention to the first bowl and feel like I should make amends.

After that, I’m tired of sweet stuff; what I really need now is something salty. Something wrapped in a tortilla. With cheese.

By the time I’m done with my improvisational burrito antics, I’m completely sure that I’ve blown my diet for the day. It’s at this point that this theory I’ve developed comes into play. The theory is that you can only gain a certain amount of weight per day, because your body can only absorb so much. Once you’ve crossed that threshold, nothing else you eat counts; your body’s just going to discard it. So you may as well enjoy yourself tonight. Get a fresh start tomorrow.

Feel free to try that theory out yourself. You may discover — as I have — that it doesn’t seem to hold much water during the day, but makes perfect sense when you’re feeling guilty and need an excuse — any excuse — to convince yourself that you haven’t, in fact, gained four pounds in one day.

I am pretty sure, in short, I gain all my weight during the final two hours before bed every night.

What I Need
Having identified the problem, I have come up with a great solution.

I need to hire a Diet Enforcer. I need someone to follow me around and grab food away from me for the final two hours before bedtime every night — the time when my willpower is low and I feel like I’ve earned a treat. Ideally, this person will block my entry to the kitchen altogether, but must not be afraid to tackle me and reach into my mouth and extract whatever s/he finds.

This job, I think is evident, is not for the squeamish, nor for the faint of heart. Nor for the timid.

Also, it’s not for the kind of person who actually expects to be paid.

Job qualifications include:

  • Must be stronger than I am: I don’t mean physically stronger — I’m not much for violence. I mean mentally stronger. Because I guarantee I will try to wear you down.
  • Must be wily. I will do my darnedest to outwit you.
  • Must not be hungry. I will try to co-op you by offering you food. If you’re eating, you can’t very well deny me, can you?
  • Must not be looking for a friend. I will certainly tell you how lame you are, probably on a daily basis. Make that hourly. This must not bother you.

Apply now! I’m sure this position will fill fast.


  1. Comment by sans auto | 12.4.2006 | 12:08 pm

    Go vegan. I was unsatiable for the entire month that I followed a vegan diet. I ate non-stop and couldn’t gain weight. Or maybe I gained a little, but imediately lost it through the GI distress caused by said diet. Since abandoning veganism (although I still follow a “plant based” diet) at the end of October, I have gained right about 15 pounds (I’m up to a whopping 150).
    Seriously, I’m presenting at a national conference next year about the relationship between meat consumption and obesity… It exists. If you want to know about nutrition and weight loss (or maintenance) let me know, it’s the topic of my doctoral dissertation…. and it doesn’t have to include veganism.

  2. Comment by Boz | 12.4.2006 | 12:46 pm

    You once said my tough, drill instructor schtick wasn’t working. Hire me and I’ll show YOU how it works. Now, drop and give 20, !#@ Fat Cyclist !!!!

  3. Comment by pedalgeek | 12.4.2006 | 12:50 pm

    Fatty..please accept this as my informal application for the job of Fatty’s Food Police.
    My current qualifications are as follows:
    I have watched every episode of Bugs Bunny twice and learned from Wily E.’s mistakes.
    I have lots of friends and really don’t have the time to maintain any more…if I am actually to entertain another friend it would have to be the succulant type that is able to withstand long periods is inattention.
    I have the mental fortitude of Peter Reid….except when it comes to food….and sweets.
    Hungry…I am hardly ever hungry…I was able to solve this issue by continually picking at whatever food stuff happens to be nearby and as such…I sometimes can hardly eat meals.

    You know…scratch that…I may not be your ideal candidate after all. While I assure you that my enthuiasm for the position may overwhelm you and against your better judgement you may hire me…it could very easily turn into a wreck in proportions to a wipeout in the peleton during an Alpe d’Huez descent.

    The upside of this whole affair is that you’d always have a partner in crime…cycling (mountain, and road), eating, and maybe with a little training I’d get you into triathalons…swim, bike, run….cereal, pasta, cookies.

    I’ll leave my CV with you and anxiously await a call for interview.

  4. Comment by Eufemiano Fuentes | 12.4.2006 | 1:05 pm

    Your situation is troubling Mr Cyclist.

    To avoid eating like that at night, I would suggest the following system that I had Ulrich do in 2004;

    Limit your eating at night to one location in the house. In front of the bathroom mirror adorned in your bike shorts bottoms only, no bibs. Perferably, the shorts should be 2 sizes too small. If you can find a stool or something to sit on, sit down and make sure and slouch over, so that your man breasts dangle above the loose flab of your mid section. Hopefully, you should be really pasty and the lighting should be bright and non flattering. Ocassionaly lean to each side to maximize the side squish.

  5. Comment by Rocky | 12.4.2006 | 1:11 pm

    If I didn’t live so far away, I would be happy to come by at 10:00 and bludgeon you with a block of cheese at each attempt to raid the fridge/pantry. However, it’s quite a drive from here to there.

    Surely there is someone close by that is something of an enemy that would be happy to oblige, right? Dug is a hard-nosed fellow, and he doesn’t live that far away. But he likes that you are fat, because then he doesn’t have to work so hard. And he likely enjoys being home at night with his family. And his food.

    Think Fatty, think. Hey, you could hire a mean-spirited babysitter to come by each evening as a food enforcer. Ten bucks a night is not that bad, is it? Your criteria are not that stringent. Certainly you could find someone in the young women’s program that would fit the bill.

  6. Comment by MTB W | 12.4.2006 | 2:00 pm

    I think I could be the perfect one to guard you against your own food weakness, although you have to be ready to pay the price of my own form of policing. My way is simple and, in fact, plays right into my own strength (you think it’s a weakness, I call it pure joy) – every night, I will eat everything in your kitchen and pantry. Even if you try to have a snack while I am still cleaning it out, I promise to snarl and growl. Problem solved! However, you may have to run out every morning to buy food. But think of it this way – you will probably start buying enough food for only one day to stop me from eating you out of house and home. Thus, you lose weight!

  7. Comment by the weak link | 12.4.2006 | 2:10 pm

    Get an ex-Marine. Have him set up claymores around the fridge and pantry. Give him permission to detonate them as required. End of problem.

  8. Comment by Rob | 12.4.2006 | 3:22 pm

    Have you ever had the Dulce De Leche Oreos? They’re delicious.

  9. Comment by dug | 12.4.2006 | 4:05 pm

    really, you’re looking for is cato fong, from the pink panther strikes again. i really like the sound of that.

  10. Comment by bradley | 12.4.2006 | 4:53 pm

    You mean you didn’t marry THE ultimate enforcer? Can’t she at least guilt you or something?

  11. Comment by barry1021 | 12.4.2006 | 5:32 pm

    -Perferably, the shorts should be 2 sizes too small. If you can find a stool or something to sit on, sit down and make sure and slouch over, so that your man breasts dangle above the loose flab of your mid section. Hopefully, you should be really pasty and the lighting should be bright and non flattering. Ocassionaly lean to each side to maximize the side squish. -

    Geez Senor Fuentes, just READING that is enuf to make me lose all desire to eat!! I’m posting that on the fridge right now!


  12. Comment by BotchedExperiment | 12.4.2006 | 6:03 pm

    Take a picture of dug holding your bike above his head in a victorious pose. The caption should read:

    My dearest Fatty, thank you so much for being milquetoast. I will enjoy your bike very much, especially after I drive over it several times with Ricky M’s Hummer.

    Your Humble Servant,


    Post this picture and caption on your fridge and your pantry.

  13. Comment by Jsun | 12.4.2006 | 7:14 pm

    I am happy to come help you

    eat poorly
    in fact I might raid the pantry right now

  14. Comment by Al Maviva | 12.4.2006 | 7:49 pm

    Here’s the deal. Throw out all your old jerseys.

    Then buy new ones in the same size, but instead of that Primal Wear and Nashbar crap, buy yourself some nice new ones from Castelli and Extcehe Ondoo, and those other unpronounceable Eye-Tie and Spanish companies.

    When they arrive, try one on.

    After the paramedics get done laughing at your “bag o’ grapefruits” imitation and cut it off of you – at least those parts that didn’t melt into your skin from the heat of severe over stretching – take your crying self into the kitchen and toss out the fattening food from your fridge.

    Every time thereafter that you are tempted to eat, just think about what it’s going to take to fit into that tiny, tiny, miniature, XXXXXXL Castelli jersey. Not only will you forgo the snack, but the weeping and great shuddering sobs will burn off many, many extra calories.

    That should do the trick.

    Failing that, I’ll come over to your house every night and fight you for the food. Sure, you might win once in a while, especially if you feel about gun ownership as you do about bikes (many, nice, highly functional, and shiny). But the effort of fighting, especially on the days I show up with a do stick, should more than offset the increased calorie intake.

  15. Comment by Argentius | 12.5.2006 | 1:27 am

    Empty is the new full.

  16. Comment by KitchenSink | 12.5.2006 | 4:19 am

    I think you need to borrow Terry Tate the enforcer.

  17. Comment by Tayfuryagci | 12.5.2006 | 7:55 am

    I hear you, man! That: ¨I’ll get a fresh start tomorrow.¨ has killed every diet I started in the past 2 years. Result: One 30kgs overweight and very very undertrained dude.

    Hire me. One look at my blood fat levels and BP and you’ll be vomiting whatever you’ve overeaten like crazy. Even though I’m 20 and even though my blood works look fine I’m certain that I have every cardiovascular problem in the book. Blast you hypochondriasis, blast you!

  18. Comment by BIKEMIKE | 12.5.2006 | 8:19 am

    man up and quit eatin’ like a pig!

    (hello mr. pot, this is mr. kettle)

  19. Comment by DP Cowboy | 12.5.2006 | 11:06 am

    I can qualify for that late night refrigerator guard person, and I would take delight in preventing you from enjoying those late night snacks, even though I WOULD be hungry. I have no conscience in that regard…I would just eat and snack away while denying you everything and listening to your pitiful (and wily) attempts to get something to eat.

  20. Comment by Chris H | 12.5.2006 | 11:14 am

    Fatty, you will lose weight if you eat more. During the day, that is. Then you wouldn’t be so hungry in the evenings. Now go enjoy a big lunch.

  21. Comment by KatieA978 | 12.5.2006 | 2:28 pm

    Dear Fatty,

    I would like to apply for the position of “Food Police – Midnight Shift” as advertised on the Fat Cyclist website.

    I feel I am highly qualified for this position due to the fact I’m on the other side of the world (and therefore cannot physically stop you), am always awake at the time you need assistance (being that Sydney is in a completely different time zone and so it’s the middle of the day here when it’s lat at night there) and have very little proper work to do (and therefore can spend copious amounts of time responding to your inane pleadings for help).

    I can also take abuse (I have an older brother, which I think over-qualifies me in this respect), am most likely physically stronger than you (as well as mentally – I am, after all, female), have enough friends of my own and you have nothing that I want. (Except one of those commuter backpacks – they look good.)

    As you can see, I can get your arse into shape. By making you avoid the fridge. I will put a little cookie jar piglet inside hooked to the door – so when you open it, your whole family will know that you’re being Piggy, not Fatty. I look forward to emailing with your shortly for a more in-depth interview.

    Best Regards,

    PS – I’m now officially a Personal Trainer, having finished my course, so Fatty – I can write exercise programs, I can help with nutrition and I can properly get your arse into gear Fat Boy. Yes, I’m going to be one of THOSE trainers. :)

  22. Comment by Uncadan8 | 12.6.2006 | 3:35 am

    I work in security and am used to daily abuse, so nothing you could say would make me relinquish the safety of the fridge to the abuse of the Fat Cyclist. After all, the fridge is my best friend too. So you wouldn’t stand a chance.


  23. Comment by Lissee | 12.7.2006 | 11:33 am

    Dear Fatty

    Is there a salary attached to the position? I would consider a move to UT for the right amount. 50K a year would work well for me.

    Kind regards,


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