I, like most Leadville 100 junkies, was looking forward to racing with Lance Armstrong this August. In fact, I had spent a great deal of time and had gone to considerable expense to figure out my strategy for beating Lance Armstrong at the Leadville 100. I feel confident I am not revealing too much when I say that these plans involved the procurement of:
- 18 specially-trained sheepdogs
- A goat
- A pair of pliers
- A very, very powerful magnet
- An oscilloscope disguised to look like a giraffe
- 50 gallons of vinegar
- One cubic foot of baking soda
- A tangerine, impregnated with iron filings
- All the strawberry jam I could find
I don’t think that I need to point out that acquiring these items was not easy, nor was it inexpensive, nor did it raise my standing in the community to have 18 sheepdogs in the backyard.
I did not let the naysayers, the detractors, nor the tut-tutters distract me, though, because I knew my plan was foolproof: using these items (among others which I shall not here name) in a certain combination, at a certain place, at a certain time, virtually guaranteed that I would beat Lance Armstrong in Leadville this year.
And now, of course, he has backed out of the race.
I am so angry.
Speculation on Scheduling Conflicts
The vexingly-brief announcement Mark Higgins — Lance Armstrong’s manager — made to cancel Armstrong’s participation in this race is, well, both brief and vexing: “Lance had a scheduling conflict come up and he regrettably cannot participate in the event.”
Is there anyone in the world who does not agree that “scheduling conflict” is an excuse you use to get out of doing one thing, so you can do something else you’d rather be doing?
OK, so the real question is: why isn’t Lance racing the Leadville 100? I, fortunately, have some helpful theories to address this question. I’m sure one of them is correct.
- Possible Real Reason #1: The Landis factor. Sure, most bloggers think that Armstrong isn’t racing the Leadville 100 anymore because Landis might be, and Armstrong doesn’t want to have to train for this race like it’s the Tour de France. To this, I answer, “Lance, you don’t need to worry about Floyd. What do you think the magnet and tangerine are for?”
- Possible Real Reason #2: Lance now weighs 317lbs. Since ending his cycling career, Lance has been eating nonstop. Anytime you see him on video, that’s actually CGI animation. Including the NY marathon. But it’s a well-known fact that CGI animation doesn’t work above 10,000 feet, so Lance would have to actually lose half his weight by August. The prospect of having a bunch of 50-year-old guys shouting condescending encouragement to him was simply too humiliating to face.
- Possible Real Reason #3: Studio time is hard to reschedule. It turns out that Lance will be recording a cover of Sheryl Crow’s song, “Are You Strong Enough to be My Man,” with Matthew McConaughey. This is Dug’s theory. Frankly, I have no idea what this means or who Matthew McConaughey is. Oh, wait a second…
- Possible Real Reason #4: Doing some stupid cancer fundraising thing. Oh, brother. Pulling the ol’ “I’m raising bazillions of dollars and improving and saving thousands of people’s lives” card again, eh, Lance? If you don’t want to do the race, just say so.
- Possible Real Reason #5: Found out that this “mostly singletrack” race is in fact “no singletrack whatsoever.” Nowadays, Lance is all about the singletrack. He’s a soul rider.
- Possible Real Reason #6: Lance is afraid of me. Sure, I did everything I could to keep my plans secret, but you can’t by eighteen sheepdogs without attracting a little bit of attention. I’m guessing that when I put the vinegar on the credit card all kinds of red flags went up. Armstrong’s probably being told by the authorities not to race, for his own safety.
PS: Do something for me would you? You know, I’d love to say I’m the “Award-Winning Blogger Known as the Fat Cyclist” instead of just “Fatty.” In order to do that, though, I need to win an award. So why don’t you do me a favor and go nominate me for something in the 2007 Bloggies. Most Humorous? Best-Kept Secret? Best Sports? All three?
Please. I’m begging you.