Exclusive! Tyler Hamilton Furious, Plans to Dispute Amgen Stage 1

02.20.2007 | 10:24 pm

SANTA ROSA, CA (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – In a stunning announcement made today, Tyler Hamilton has given notice that he is suing the Tour of Amgen. Having successfully obtained an emergency injunction against the race, forcing it to halt until further notice, Hamilton is now seeking to be inserted into the race, with the final objective being a do-over of the first stage.

Said Tinkoff Credit Systems team manager Omar Piscina, “Quite clearly, Tyler Hamilton should have been in Stage 1 of this tour. Have you seen that pileup?”

Continued the distraught Piscina, “How would you, if you were Clint Eastwood, feel if you went to a viewing of Fistful of Dollars, only to find that somehow you were no longer in the movie? It is just the same for Tyler Hamilton and massive, high-drama, late-in-stage crashes.”

Concluded Piscina, “If there has ever been a crash that Tyler should be involved in, this crash was it.”

Tyler Hamilton“Really, all I want is a shot at the thing,” added the usually deferential Hamilton, a hard edge in his voice and a hungry look in his eye. “I just want to be allowed to race right in the middle of that pack when it rounds the corner.”

“If nobody else is willing to crab a pedal or touch wheels this time, I’ll do it myself,” said the newly-returned racer. “All I really need is to get a nice painful roadrash. Maybe a broken collarbone wouldn’t be too much to ask. Or a concussion and a broken ankle, if I get to pick.”

“This is my trademark, and I intend to defend it, come hell or high water,” finished the Man from Marblehead.

Race Leader Reacts
Told of Hamilton’s intention to use any avenues necessary to revisit the first stage of the Amgen Tour — and in particular, the huge peloton demoliton derby toward the end –  race leader Levi Leipheimer looked thoughtful.

“I admit,” said Leipheimer, after a moment, “even as I hit the pavement I thought to myself, ‘Tyler Hamilton must be somewhere nearby.’ To have this kind of wreck without him even in the same state just doesn’t feel right.”

“So yeah,” shrugged Leipheimer, “it’s like, if you go to an Elvis concert, you expect to see the King. Same thing with Hamilton and crashes. I guess I’m OK for a do-over.”

Legal Precedent
While this legal action is generally considered unusual, it is by no means unique, as Tinkoff Legal Counsel M. Fetyukovitch explained. “Many people do not realize, but each stage of the 2003-2005 Tours de France was shot with multiple takes, with racers forced to do the race over and over until OLN had an outcome it was happy with.”

“All we ask is that Mr. Hamilton be allowed to practice his unique and highly-refined skill. To do what he does best, if you will.”

Concluded Mr. Fetyukovitch, “It’s been two years, people. He doesn’t have many racing years left in him. For the love of all that’s good in the world, please let Tyler Hamilton be a part of the Amgen Stage 1 crash.”

PS: Today’s weight: 164.2


  1. Comment by JET(not a nickname) | 02.20.2007 | 10:49 pm

    What are you doing up so late Fatty? Only us lab workers working a double shift should be conscious at this hour. I do appreciate it though, it gave me something to read. Anyhow, funny as usual!

  2. Comment by Beast Mom | 02.20.2007 | 11:00 pm

    You have to check out my latest post on the Tour of CA. The kids got some great photos/autographs. It’s been a blast.

    -beast mom

  3. Comment by Yukirin Boy | 02.20.2007 | 11:01 pm

    Excellent LOL report Fatty.

    I was there, stood right next to where they all went down like a bunch of dominos. Luckily everyone got up. Funny thing was the race announcer kept telling the crowd that Levi was safely in the front bunch – until they crossed the finish line and Levi wasn’t there. Shock and Awe and Horror for the Santa Rosa crowd.
    Great Day out though!

  4. Comment by BIg Mike In Oz | 02.21.2007 | 1:25 am

    That right there is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time.

    But it really is what Tyler deserves… just like all the people who took drugs during the flower power era and then complained that they missed the ’60s, Tyler took drugs and missed some of the biggest and most memorable crashes in recent cycling history (he probably would/should have been on George Hincapie’s wheel in the Paris-Roubaix at that fateful moment in April 06 – http://www.cyclingnews.com/road/2006/apr06/roubaix06/?id=results).

  5. Comment by Jason | 02.21.2007 | 4:23 am

    Are you sure it’s Tyler. Might be his “twin” ;)


  6. Comment by Big Boned | 02.21.2007 | 4:52 am

    Glad they were able to find a way to keep Levi in yellow. It just wouldn’t have been right for him to lose it in front of the hometown crowd (we don’t need no stinkin’ rules!).

  7. Comment by TimK | 02.21.2007 | 5:26 am

    Are those Assos shorts Levi is wearing? http://images.velonews.com/images/dom/11697.17547.t.jpg

    Should rip out the other side and he would like the artist formerly known, now known again as Prince.

  8. Comment by allan | 02.21.2007 | 6:10 am

    a classic fatty. I spewed coffee everywhere reading it.

  9. Comment by sans auto | 02.21.2007 | 6:36 am

    I know exactly why Hamilton wasn’t in that race. It’s sponsored by Amgen. You see, Hamilton was busted for a blood transfusion where he stored up his own blood to do the doping. People like that are going to put Amgen (the producer of EPO) out of business. Although you’re right, Hamilton belonged in that crash, Amgen can’t support the enemy.

    What is Amgen doing sponsoring a bike race anyway? Free “shots” for all participants.

    FYI When Amgen first produced EPO the FDA (I think, it may have been another large governing body) encouraged them to stick another atom on it so that it would still be effective, but you would be able to discern it from human made EPO. Amgen refused. I suppose that cancer patients wouldn’t want to have a tracable performance enhancing drug in their system as they battled an awful disease.

  10. Comment by sans auto | 02.21.2007 | 6:45 am

    OOPS, I did more research, Hamilton used someone else’s blood, not his own. Had he used his own they wouldn’t have been able to detect it.

  11. Comment by BotchedExperiment | 02.21.2007 | 7:34 am

    sans, in defense of amgen, they were in phase III clinical trials when that was suggested. They would have had to repeat all the trials, which would have cost at least tens of millions of dollars. On the other hand, like you, i’m frustrated by the fact that every batch of epo produced could be easily and safely molecularly labeled such that detection would be child’s play, and once detected could be traced to it’s source.

  12. Comment by fatty | 02.21.2007 | 8:57 am

    sans, botched – i’m going to have to ask both of you to take your serious conversation elsewhere. be FUNNY, guys. you’re killing me, here.

  13. Comment by MTB W | 02.21.2007 | 10:06 am

    Hilarious! If only the “real” news were this good. Love that pic of Tyler “flexing” right next to your statement that he has a hungry look in his eyes. Good thing I finished my coffee before reading the post so I don’t have to clean it off my screen.

    Man, where do you come up with these funny news stories? All that weight loss must make you delirous and creative. Keep it up. . . no wait, don’t. All us B7ers need to handicap you somehow. I’m sure you can still be creative on a sugar high from some sugary late night snacks!

  14. Comment by BIKEMIKE | 02.21.2007 | 10:36 am

    hey, i think all of the dopers/former dopers should get together and have their own races…oh yeah, they already do. anyone that dopes doesn’t have to wear a helmet either.
    this is where this story time was headed, right?

  15. Comment by barry1021 | 02.21.2007 | 11:44 am

    Well I wish he would go ride somewhere else. As you may know he hails from eastern Mass, and I guess he’s been hangin’ with his folks or something. I was doing a group ride with a club that I am hoping to join, when he came up behind us outside of Marblehead. He immediately went to the front of the pack, abruptly hit the brakes and caused a 14 person pileup. After licking the blood off his elbow, he smirked at us, and took off. Now, having just re-read Fatty’s seminal piece “How to Pee from a Bike” again, I happened to be attempting my virgin effort at this when the accident occurred, so needless to say, it was a most unfortunate time for a mishap. Let me tell you, spritzing your fellow riders is no way to introduce yourself to them, although the reaction of two of the recepients would now give me a legitimate response to yesterday’s barfing topic.
    Needless to say, i am riding solo again. I hear Tyler is still out there causing accidents. I tell you, it’s enough for me to start rooting for Micheal Rassmussen–at least he tends to fall by himself.


  16. Comment by Lurch | 02.21.2007 | 12:05 pm

    Dave Z. is getting pretty good at falling too. When we first heard of Dave he needed an SUV to pull out in front of him to do the damage. He’s graduated all the way up to falling off with no one around. Before long he’ll have Tyler’s superhuman ability to crash the peloton just by thinking about it.

  17. Comment by Mark W | 02.21.2007 | 1:41 pm

    There is no cycling coverage right now in Canada :-( . OLN (yes, still goes by the old name) has no cycling shows in the lineup until TdF. Fatty, can you help launch a campaign to get more cycling coverage in Canada?

    Mark W in Vancouver BC

  18. Comment by Den | 02.22.2007 | 7:23 am

    Mark, go to http://www.amgentourofcalifornia.com. They have the best race coverage including live video. It’s awesome! Funny stuff Fatty, thanks for the laughs!

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