Today (Monday)Â is the day when I find out whether I won a 2007 Bloggie AwardÂ for “Best-Kept Secret Blog.”Â I promised I would postÂ eitherÂ my gracious acceptance speechÂ – including a video of me demonstrating my ability to make my face turn purple — or myÂ good loser speech, depending on whether I won.
There’s just one problem: I’ll be traveling for work — to Texas, though ironically to a different part of Texas than where the awards will be presented — and won’t be able to check the Bloggies site until several hours after the awards are presented.
So I think I’ll go ahead and post both of those speeches. One of them’s bound to be correct.
My Gracious Acceptance Speech
I knew I’d win. I just knew it. The other bloggers — a cowgirl, a moose, a dog, and a compulsive letter-writer — may have all actually been better writers than I. OK, fine, they all are better writers than I, but that didn’t matter in the end, did it? Because out of all of us, only one of us has tapped into the highly coveted overweight middle-aged comedy bike rider zeitgeist.
I predict nobody will ever trivialize this massive demographic ever again. Why do you think that bicycle racing is consistently one of the top-rated sports among television viewers, led only by football (both American and not-American), basketball, baseball, billiards, hockey (both ice and air), hot dog eating, yodeling, tennis (both regular and table), and gardening? It’s a huge sport and it’s on the rise. Watch out.
Next, I really should thank everyone who took the time and effort to vote for me.
But I’m not going to.
The fact is, you already voted for me, and it’s too late to take back your vote now, because I already won. Yeah, I know you’re thinking it’s incredibly petty of me to not acknowledge you, but that’s your problem.
I would, however, like to thank all of my Ads-for-Schwag partners for giving me lots of cool stuff to
bribe my readers for votes with give to my readers as thanks for their continued support. Oh, and while I’m at it, I have an announcement: now that I’m an award-winning blogger, I’m charging $1200/week for ads. I hope that won’t be a problem for you.
Finally, I did promise that if I were to win this award (and let’s face it, there never was any doubt that I would), I would demonstrate my extremely rare and useful superpower: the ability to make my face turn purple at a moment’s notice.
So here you go: How to Turn Purple.
My Good Loser Speech
I knew I’d lose. I just knew it. I mean, how many cyclists are there in the world? 10,000? Maybe 12,000? Okay, let’s say 15,000, tops. And say a third of us are middle-aged. That’s 5,000. And then say 10% of that 5,000 has a sense of humor that matches mine. Now we’re down to 500. How many of us middle-aged cyclists with similar senses of humor are fat? OK, all of us, fine. But when you factor in that only 5% of the people in the world even know whatÂ a “blog” even is, we’re down to about 25 people in my universe of potential readers. Add in friends and family and we’re up to 27 potential readers.
So yeah, I’ve mentioned things about getting around 8,000 pageviews per day. The truth is, though, I’ve always known that 7,500 of those are just me reloading the page over and over, hoping — praying, really — that somebody has left a comment.
And I’m pretty sure Dr. BotchedExperiment is responsible for about 485 of the other daily pageviews. Thanks, Dr. Botched.
Still, when I found out that I had — through some cosmic error, no doubt — been made a finalist in the “Best Kept Secret” category of the 2007 Bloggies, I — fool that I am — held out hope that I would win.
Oh, what willful vanity!
Consider the blogs I was competing against:
- The Gilded Moose: A talented satiric writer pokes fun at celebrities. Well, who’d want to read that? I mean, besides everybody?
- To Whom It May Concern: A talented writer writes letter-form essays about common experiences. Who could possibly find something to identify with in a blog like that? I mean, besides everybody?
- Woof Woofington: A woman writes about her life from a dog’s point of view, includingÂ why people should learn “mouth to snout” resuscitation.Â Who wouldn’t want to knowÂ that?Â Well, I wouldn’t, but that’s just me.
- Confessions of a Pioneer Woman: A smart, funny,Â nice woman who’s also a stellar photographer and a talented writerÂ tells engaging stories about her interesting life. Who could possibly enjoy such a blog? I mean, besides everybody?Â
It’s just not fair.
Oh, I guess now’s a good time to announce: I’m renaming my blog and changing its focus a little bit. From now on, this is the “General Purpose Blog About Everything and For Everyone.” I’m sure you’ll find something you like in it.
Anyway, I’m not bitter. I mean, it’s not like all my readers didn’t go out and vote for me.Â
Oh, you didn’t?
Well, I’m sure you meant to get around to it. That’s cool. I wouldn’t want to haveÂ inconvenienced you by making you take the thirty seconds required to go cast a vote for me. I mean, it would have taken a lot of effort (three mouse clicks) and money (none) to go vote for the guy who spends roughly an hour of each day writing something for your entertainment.Â I wouldn’t want to overwhelm you with myÂ irrational greed.Â
No, no. Don’t feel guilty. Obviously,Â my blogÂ wasn’t worth your vote. Don’t start pretending like it is now. It’s too late for that.
Oh well. I guess I’ve reached the part where I have to congratulate the winner. Fine. Here goes:
Congratulations, winner. Enjoy your stupid Bloggie.
And now, I shall go sulk. Some more.
Please Leave Your Congratulations. Or Condolences. Or Both.
After about 1:00pm Central Time, the actual winners should be posted at the Bloggies site. Please feel free to check it out, see how I did, and leave me an appropriate note.
On the other hand, why wait to leave a note until you know how things turned out? I didn’t.
PS: Thanks to all the people who have entered the “It’s Nice to be Nice to Dave Nice” raffle. We’ve raised $1085 for Dave’s Great Divide Race fund so far (the raffle ends this Saturday, at which point I’ll be emailing the winners and sending out info on how to get your fatcyclist.com email address). As you can probably imagine, after telling Dave how much we’ve collected for him, I did not have too difficult of a time getting him to promise to wear a Fat Cyclist jersey for some of the days during the race.