03.31.2007 | 11:00 pm

A Note From Fatty: I had planned to leave my “new and improved design” I rolled out Friday as a nice weekend-long April Fool’s joke, while some friends and I went out on a well-deserved, post-end-of-quarter mountain biking trip to Utah.

And then this happened (I know, I know. I’m giving away the ending before I even get to the beginning):


Sorry about the poor quality of the photo — it was taken in the hospital by a stranger, using my phone’s camera.

Anyway, I’m back to the real Fat Cyclist design, so you won’t think today’s post is part of my April Fool’s joke. If, however, you want to see that design, I made a screenshot of it here.

Big Surprise
Normally I wouldn’t post on a Sunday, but some stories simply can’t wait to be told. This is one of them. Though, to be honest, I’d just as soon not have this one to tell. 

As I’ve mentioned ad nauseam lately, this has been an intense month. I haven’t had a lot of time to train, and I’ve had practically no time to go out on a fun mountain bike ride.

So imagine — if you can — how flabbergasted I was when, at 5:15 Friday afternoon, Dug stopped by my office.

“Get in the car,” Dug said. “We’re going to Moab.”

“Yeah, right,” I replied, sagely (hey, I hadn’t had time to prepare a clever comeback).

“Just follow me,” Dug said.

Humoring him, I walked out to his car. There, on Dug’s bike rack, was my Rig. So was Kenny’s Rig. So — on sundry vehicles in the parking lot –  was BotchedExperiment’s (brand-spanking-new, never-been-ridden) Rig. So was Rick S’s (not his real name) Rig. So was Dug’s Surly (a 29″ SS) and Brad’s WaltWorks (a 29″ SS).

Rick M had planned to come, I was told, but he had an important meeting crop up at the last moment.

It occurs to me: everyone in my group of riding buddies now rides 29″ single speeds. I wonder if there’s something to that whole 29″ SS thing?


OK, back to the story.

I admit to being confounded. I had not gotten clearance for a trip. I had not put my gear together for a trip. And yet, here I was, evidently on the cusp of going on a trip.

“Whhh?” I asked.

“We’ve cleared it with your wife,” said Botched. “In fact, she packed for you.”

I looked. Helmet, camelback, bottles, shoes, shorts, socks, jerseys, Shot Bloks, lights (charged!), comfy post-ride clothes. Everything I needed. My wife had done a good job.

“Let’s go,” Kenny said. “You can call your wife and thank her while we drive.”

So I did. And it turns out that I had in fact been tricked into a Moab trip.

Not a bad trick, if you ask me.

Night Ride
I firmly believe that there are certain things every person should do at least once in their lifetime.

Furthermore, I believe that there are certain things every person should do a maximum of once in their lifetime.

I contend that the Slickrock Trail at night belongs in the second category.

Regardless, by the time we got to Moab, everyone was excited to ride.

So we did.

And it was a blast. Moves looked weird and otherworldly — and, frankly, kind of spooky. A light setup throws big shadows on normally-easy ledges, making it seem like you’re about to drop into an abyss.

You want to know what real fear and uncertainty feels like? Try this: Drop down into an essentially vertical halfpipe in the dead of night, using nothing but a helmet-mounted light to see where you’re going. It’s impossible to see both the drop and the rise at the other end at the same time. You get to either know where you are, or where you’re going. Not both.

I Should Never, Ever, Ever Show Off
The first time I did the Slickrock halfpipe this way, it took me minutes to work up the courage to drop in.

Before long, though, I had gotten comfortable. I was dropping in with a little hop, and was hitting the lip at top of the other end at speed, so I could catch air.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Chain Reaction
The strange thing about doing a ride where you do a move, wait for your turn, do another move, and then rest again is that since your lungs never get taxed, you don’t notice your legs are getting tired.

At least, that’s the excuse (actually, the first of many) I’m currently using for what happened next.

Dug, Kenny, and Botched were all on the far side of the halfpipe, waiting for me, Brad, and Rick S to come across one last time, then we were going to move on to the next move. It was my turn to drop in.

I zoomed down, then noticed as I got to the bottom that I was a little to the right of the white “do not cross” line. No big deal; everyone crosses that line from time to time. It’s just a little bit steeper on the way up.

This extra steepness, combined with the accumulated fatigue in my legs from having done this move — and the others before it — probably half a dozen times meant that by the time I pulled up behind and to the right of dug, I was going verrry sloooowwwwly.

And then I couldn’t get out of my pedals. The sand had jammed my cleats in solid.

I started rolling backward, back down the halfpipe.

I admit it: I panicked.

Flailing, I grabbed out, and managed to snag Dug’s jersey just long enough to knock him off balance (but not long enough to stop me from continuing my fall down the halfpipe). As Dug toppled, his front wheel hit Kenny’s back wheel hard enough that Kenny went over. Kenny, in turn, collided with BotchedExperiment.

Now everyone’s in motion. Excellent.

Gathering reverse momentum, I finally got the bright idea of grabbing brake. The result of this was suboptimal — my bike became a lever, my back wheel the fulcrum. I fell over backward, twisting around as I landed on the sandstone on my back, face, and shoulder, the left side of my helmet bouncing off the sandstone floor (time for a new helmet!), with the effect of cheese-grating off a piece of my ear.

Still clipped in, naturally.

And the fun had just begun. During the next half-second or so, the following events took place:

Dug managed a stutter-step before he went over, giving him enough time to tangle up with his bike and stretch out his hands to catch his fall.

Note to people who think it’s a good idea to stretch out your hands to catch your fall when you’re falling seven feet or more: it’s not.

Dug’s right wrist snapped on impact. Good news: not a compound fracture. Bad news (for me): Dug’s left elbow — carrying plenty of both weight and force — chose my ribcage as a good landing spot.

The doctor in Moab says I have cracked two ribs. The doctor closer to home says I have cracked only one, but my sternum is severely bruised. Not much to do about it either way. You know what’s a strange sensation? Being painfully aware of each and every single breath you take. I find myself trying to ration them out. (“Am I blacking out right now? No? Well then, I think I’ll hold off taking that next breath for another three seconds.”)

The Chain Reaction Continues
Kenny, meanwhile, fell sideways, landing on his left hip and shoulder. If Kenny didn’t have Osteoporosis, he’d probably have walked away from that fall with some scrapes and bruises instead of a hip fracture.

And then there was BotchedExperiment.

Nobody knows exactly how he managed this, but while everyone else got knocked down and busted up by my stupid move, Botched managed to pivot his front wheel forward and ride out of the mess.

Well, that’s not precisely accurate. I should say, he rode over the mess, because that’s what he did. Yes, Botched Experiment rode over Kenny’s right leg, Dug’s right forearm (just above the break in the wrist), and right over my right shoulder.

In Botched’s defense, it’s not like he planned it out, and it’s not like he could see where he was going — Botched’s lights were off (conserving power) when this happened.

Eventually, we came to a rest.

I should admit here that I am relating most of this story second-hand. The conk on my noggin gave me a concussion (would’ve been much worse if I hadn’t been wearing a helmet) and I don’t remember the fall or what happened afterward.

From what my friends (you’re still my friends, right?) say, though, there were three distinct kinds of sounds after this crash:

  • Yelling: Kenny was simply yelling in agony. Dug, however, was furious. Screaming every obscenity he could think of (which is a lot), Dug alternated between expressing his pain and his assessment of me as a human being and rider. I gather that I was found wanting in both respects.
  • Evaluating: Perhaps the strangest thing — according to everyone except Botched — about this whole experience is that while everyone was still lying in a bloody, broken heap, BotchedExperiment started giving a dry evaluation of what had happened, along with practical tips on how to avoid such an event in the future. Evidently, I should not have flailed, and the rest of the riders should have had their bikes pointed in such a way that they had a clear line in the event of an emergency. Excellent advice, Botched, but your timing was questionable.
  • Laughing: At the other side of the halfpipe, watching the whole thing, was Rick S and Brad. I’m pretty sure that Rick S had whipped out his phone and started dialing 911 while the sound of Kenny’s hip cracking was still echoing across the sandstone dunes. Brad, on the other hand, was laughing his head off. When asked at the hospital whether he would have laughed had he known the wreck were so serious, Brad said, “Oh, I could see how bad it was; my light was on. But you’ve got to admit, that was pretty freaking funny. I’m mostly just beating myself up for not having a camcorder rolling at the time.”

I swear, Brad just doesn’t have any sense of propriety.

So, after Lifeflight came and took us to the hospital (two trips were required, which they said was fairly unusual) and I had become relatively cogent again (evidently, I kept asking what had happened and where we were for about ninety minutes), I went and talked with Kenny and Dug in their hospital rooms.

Surprisingly, they were both very nice about what I had done to them.

“You know, I knew it was just a matter of time,” said Kenny, pointing to his hip. “I was getting kind of burned out on the whole cycling thing anyway. I needed a break. I’ll be back next season.”

“I didn’t really want to ride Leadville anyway,” said Dug. “This is as good an ‘out’ as any, I guess. In fact, I see this as a good thing. Since I won’t be able to ride this season, I’ll be able to spend more time with my heroic wife, as well as with my toilet, which I love more than life itself.”

OK, I may be exaggerating about the part about what Dug said…and the part about what Kenny said. But the rest of it — well, you just can’t make that kind of thing up.

Except I just did.

PS: Props to my wife for the seriously good work on the bruise-and-cut makeup.


  1. Comment by John | 03.31.2007 | 11:31 pm

    Bastard. Had me going there, right up until the end.

    Why have you got a tampon in your ear?

  2. Comment by Big Mike In Oz | 04.1.2007 | 1:51 am

    I was wondering about how you could have such a huge bruise on the cheek without the eye being shut. 2 April Fool entries in one year is quite an achievement, even for an over-achiever like you.

  3. Comment by Bones | 04.1.2007 | 4:41 am

    Bastid. I should know better, since I work in Hollyweird and see this stuff all the time. Your story was a bit over the top, though, to be believed. Too many major injuries at once. I was about to say, you and your friends are so freakin crazy, if someone invited you to a 6 car pileup with fatalities you’d show up immediately! I was also about to start gloating re: winning the B7 by default. Your wife does do a good job on the makeup.
    The tipoff on your “site redesign” was the lack of links to the forums. Next I was expecting some shmaltzy background music, the way we were or some such drivel.
    When you and your “friends” are done fooling around, prepare for the battle of your life! You have a long way to go to beat all of us…

  4. Comment by Lisa B | 04.1.2007 | 6:25 am

    All I could think of was ‘oh no, he almost killed Kenny!’

  5. Comment by Tim Grahl | 04.1.2007 | 6:29 am

    You got me in a bad way!

  6. Comment by Rick S | 04.1.2007 | 6:32 am

    thanks for not including any kind of goat or big horn sheep in your story.

  7. Comment by BotchedExperiment | 04.1.2007 | 6:47 am

    You know I was totally right about about how to avoid that type of wreck; If you’re not going to make it all the way up, you’ve got to lower your center of gravity right before you reach the top of the lip and . . .

    Since I knew you guys were doing a rode ride yesterday, when I saw the picture I was totally sucked in.

  8. Comment by UltraRob | 04.1.2007 | 6:50 am

    You’re lucky you made that all up. You don’t want to be in the hospital in Moab. I had just gotten my first full suspension a week or so before a Moab trip. I’d ridden it a couple hours on local trails and had the fit dialed in. What I did have dialed in or know how to dial in was the rebound on the rear shock.

    I was with several other Expert racers and we were bombing down Porcupine Rim. Most of them were good descenders. Finally just before we hit the single track down to the highway, I dropped the last one.

    Soon after I went over a small drop. Just as the rear shock rebounded I hit a small rock. I wasn’t expecting the kick from the rear and launched. I landed between a couple rocks with my bike on top of me. Blood was gushing from my chin.

    It was only a minute before my first friend got there. He asked me if I was alright. I said I didn’t think so but I wasn’t sure. He got the bike off me so I could get up. He didn’t think my chin was too bad but he really couldn’t see because there was so much blood.

    I was able to ride into town but my elbow keep hurting worse. Even worse my knee kept swelling to the point I could hardly make it through a pedal stroke.

    I went to the ER. The “nurse” was also a park ranger at Sand Flats. She had no idea what she was doing. My wife is a medical assistant and wanted to tell her to give her the stuff and she’d take care of me. I needed several stitches in my chin and the doctor did a terrible job. My doctor was not happy when he saw it. I also ended up with an infection.

    I had bruised a bone in my elbow. My knee was bleeding internally although I didn’t find out until a week later. I’m not sure there was anything that could have been done about the knee. It was 6 weeks before I could bend it enough to ride my bike again.

  9. Pingback by dirtpedaler.com » Fat Cyclist takes a digger. | 04.1.2007 | 6:55 am

    [...] It’s a good story, so here goes: Fat Cyclist goes on a surprise trip to Moab and breaks himself.  And 2 others?? Maybe you don’t want to meet this guy. [...]

  10. Comment by KeepYerBag | 04.1.2007 | 7:34 am

    Oh. THERE’S the Vargasesque cheesecake mugshot.

  11. Comment by Al (female) | 04.1.2007 | 8:54 am

    As much as I admit I was getting sucked into the story I knew it couldn’t be true since you were still alive to tell it. I mean Kenny might not have been able to do too much with the broken hip but surely Dug would have “accidently” done in the Fat Cyclist.

  12. Comment by Miles Archer | 04.1.2007 | 8:55 am

    You got me. And, I just sent out an April Fool’s email, so I can’t say I wasn’t warned.

  13. Comment by LanterneRouge | 04.1.2007 | 10:10 am

    Bad boys bad boys. Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?

  14. Comment by Rocky | 04.1.2007 | 10:33 am

    If I might say so, a most implausible entry. “Why so,” you say? Because battered and bruised – even broken, dug would have killed you with his bloody stump on the spot and you never would have been allowed to write such an entry and Kenny would have ridden his bike out one-legged.

    I nearly died at the very spot you described – the halfpipe at Slickrock. With 25 or so witnesses including my 17 year-old daughter, I launched off of the lip a little too far to the left without hestitating at all on the approach, and hung in the air for what seemed like a a full ten seconds before finally re-connecting with sandstone nearly at the bottom of the pipe.

  15. Comment by bikemike | 04.1.2007 | 11:42 am

    Man, I was hoping this story was real. Just so I could say how fake the injuries looked and what a great April Fool’s joke you played on us. I hope Rick S. (N.H.R.N.) “accidently” hits your wheel from the side, breaking a spoke.

    Good effort on ya mate!

  16. Comment by seven22 | 04.1.2007 | 11:56 am

    You had me at hello.

  17. Comment by Lissee | 04.1.2007 | 12:43 pm

    I was a total sucker, you had me until the end when I had to re-read your just kidding!

    I laughed out loud for quite a while while reading how Botched rode all over you guys! And felt bad about it. Then started feeling really bad when Kenny and Dug said they wouldn’t be able to ride leadville.

    Thanks for the laugh! Glad to know no one really was hurt.


  18. Comment by Sophia | 04.1.2007 | 12:44 pm

    It’s funny that I completely bought the crash, the injuries and emergency helicopter evacuations (I’m very gullible). I was reading with horror as your description of the crash unfolded. The only part I had trouble accepting was your friends and wife surprising you like that with a trip to Moab. Not getting your own bike gear together for a bike trip just seems wrong somehow.

  19. Comment by DOM | 04.1.2007 | 1:18 pm

    Good story, Fatty. Kudo’s to Mrs. FC for the make-up work. I have to say the most believable part is Brad laughing. I don’t know Brad, but we all know (and sometimes have been) the guy who laughs at an other’s pain. At least until the degree of damage is realized.

    Now, did the Fatty Scissorhands incident really happen, or was that the beginning of the set-up? Come to think of it, there have been numerous posts about mishaps…Cunning, FC, very cunning.

  20. Comment by Uncadan8 | 04.1.2007 | 1:52 pm

    Unbelievable, as in, believable, but I am glad it isn’t true. Awesome story.

  21. Comment by Born4Lycra | 04.1.2007 | 2:46 pm

    I was totally taken in. Thinking things like the Pokopelli (or whatever it is called) trip is off – no debut for Team Fat Cyclist – will this have any affect on the delivery of my top etc. (which is due next month!!) and even got as far as thinking ooh that must have been painfull and then Whack April Fool! I’m a victim.
    I should point out you even said it was not an April Fool’s right up front surely breaking the international rules of April Fooldom. Still I don’t know art but I know what I like and I enjoyed this.
    Back to John’s first comment “why have you got a tampon in your ear” maybe Mrs FC has a good sense of humour too!

  22. Comment by msk | 04.1.2007 | 3:31 pm

    loathe as i am to admit it – hook, line and sinker

    initially when i saw the photo i thought – oh dear, fatty’s supercilious, smug countenance has finally gotten him in trouble or maybe as they say where i grew up “he was talking when he should have been listening”

    next my major thought was “how exactly will this affect his b7 score (does that make me a bad man?)
    will he sit disconsolate on the sofa for weeks on end, shovelling in m&ms, and ruminating on the ruined lives of his friends?

    finally i was suprised by the depth of my concern for kenny (a man i have never met) – i really felt for him – in a rugged, manly way, i can assure you
    dug – not so much (…..sorry dug)

    great job



    never underestimate the humble tampon and it’s use as a field bandage
    saved my life on a number of occasions

  23. Comment by Katie | 04.1.2007 | 3:31 pm

    Meanie. I don’t like April Fool’s jokes, and here I was feeling all sorry for you. Well, NYAH to you.

    And so, are you going to use your “fake” injuries to scream “swelling” or “water retention from the pain medication” if your April B7 isn’t as good as you wanted?? :)

  24. Comment by Debamundo | 04.1.2007 | 3:41 pm

    Ok, this just was unfair. You had me completely. I was even feeling a little bit smug, thinking how much worse it was than my trip to the emergency room last Sunday. 12 stitches due to an unforseen speed bump while traveling, oh, about 8 miles an hour, if that. This was uncalled for.

  25. Comment by monkeywebb | 04.1.2007 | 6:35 pm

    I have to confess that the only reason I DIDN’T buy that fantastic tale is that I don’t get that lucky. I desperately need Fatty to go on the disabled list for a couple weeks so that I can stay competitive in the B7. Yesterday (NOT April 1) I was walking briskly when I tore my left calf muscle. I’m not sure how I don’t hurt myself riding 50 miles at high exertion, but I do when I’m working hard at doing nothing. I’m out of the saddle for at least a few days, more likely a week.

    Thanks for getting my hopes up, Fatty. I mean, I’m glad you and the boys didn’t have to flex your HMO’s upper deductible limits.

  26. Comment by AngryRoadie | 04.1.2007 | 7:33 pm

    I am new to the FC, and I must admit that despite all of the hype from friends that read here from time to time, I am disappointed. In fact, if I ever meet you, you won’t need that makeup job – I’ll gladly do the real job myself. This kind of joke is no joke at all. Taking in readers that trust, admire, and in a queerish way, idolize you is simply bad judgement and poor taste. It seems a high price to pay for a silly April Fool’s gag. Boo I say. Boo.

  27. Comment by dug | 04.1.2007 | 8:15 pm

    angryroadie, you are so dang sexy when you get all worked up like that. seriously, you have a whole mad max thing going that just does it for me. the pouty indignation, the pouty lips (in my mind anyway), all of it. please, come back often.

  28. Comment by fatty | 04.1.2007 | 8:50 pm

    john – that’s not a tampon. i’m just happy to see you.

    big mike – i admit, i had very little to do with the first april fool’s joke. a friend/coworker emailed me the banner, saying i should change over my design for april fools. he did a killer job and so i worked it into the joke i already had planned.

    bones – my wife was really happy to see the compliment on the makeup. thanks!

    lisa b – you know what’s weird? i’ve never connected the “they killed kenny” line with my friend kenny. you can bet i will start, though.

    tim – thanks, man. obviously, i put some effort into this one. props matter.

    rick s – there was a goat in the first draft, actually. i pulled it out because i wanted the gag to be semi-believable for as long as possible.

    botched – dude, you’re always right. it’s one of the perks of being a doctor.

    ultrarob – really, the hospital’s that weak? it seems that with the number of injuries they must rake in, they’d become competent through sheer experience.

    dirtpedaler.com – hey, thanks for the link. i loves me some linkage.

    Al (female) – in real life, dug and i have something in common: we’ve each been in exactly one fight in our lives. i can’t even imagine him trying to beat someone up. however, he probably would have used as much sarcasm as he could muster, which can be pretty darned painful.

    miles – thanks. i think putting the photo up at the top made it a lot more believable (in early drafts it was at the bottom, and didn’t test well for believability with focus groups [ie, my kids]). PS: the grainy version of the photo looks a lot more believable than the clear, clean version (yay, photoshop!). not sure why.

    rocky – oh, man. i TOTALLY should have kenny finishing the ride with a broken hip. i’m putting you in the review loop for my next 4/1 post.

    keepyerbag – i’m betting you weren’t pulled in for a half second, right?

    bikemike – here’ the thing: pretty much everything in this story has happened. just not all in the same story. the “surprise trip to moab” is a full-on fabrication, though.

    seven22 – you mean, i went to all that work and all i needed to do was say “hello?”

    lissee – thanks heaps.

    sophia – yeah, the surprise trip to moab comes off as a little bogus. even though we’ve been married close to 19 years, i really don’t see how my wife could put together my gear for a weekend biking trip. it’s a personal thing.

    dom – my wife used to take photos of bruises and cuts so shed’ have good references. she did stage makeup, emphasis on injuries. she’s done some very, very cool halloween costumes in her time. and yeah, i’ve got the scar as proof of the reality of the scissors incident.

    uncadan – thanks!

    born4lycra – if you look closely, i actually say, “I’m back to the real Fat Cyclist design, so you won’t think today’s post is part of my April Fool’s joke.” which was the absolute truth. i didn’t say it wasn’t a trick; i said i didn’t want you to THINK it was a trick. i’m splitting hairs though.

    msk – my b7 score is in enough trouble without an injury to complicate things, thanks.

    katie – can i claim fat retention from excessive quantities of guacamole and fish tacos as an injury?

    debamundo – hey, i’m the guy who crashed into a pothole and stabbed himself with scissors. you’re going to have to do considerably more damage to yourself before you can claim the crown of clumsytown.

    monkeywebb – you tore a muscle while walking? i have a recommendation: STAY AWAY FROM SCISSORS.

    angryroadie – come clean. you’re a triathlete, right?

    dug – see, now you’re just provoking her/him, and i don’t think we have enough information about this angry roadie to know whether i want to provoke her/him. if s/he’s a sprinter, say, i’m really freaked out and scared by the threat of violence, because i’ve seen the way sprinters can be: they’re more than happy to mix it up and do not fear consequences. if s/he’s a climber, on the other hand, i’m merely amused. and what if s/he’s a GC gal/guy? then s/he’d probably bring along her whole team, have them pound away on me for a while, and then — once i’m clearly defeated — have them pull back so s/he could (quite literally) drop me. in short, we need more information.

  29. Comment by Katie | 04.1.2007 | 8:53 pm

    I just realised that I should have known. You could never go on a trip like that without telling us how caring your wife is for letting you go. Silly me.

    And also, posting something like that when it’s no longer April Fool’s here is unfair to your Aussie contingent – just because we’re a day ahead of you – it’s just not cricket old boy.

  30. Comment by AngryRoadie | 04.1.2007 | 9:01 pm

    Here’s a little more information. You seem like a self-indulgent punk, and regardless of my gender, I am completely certain that I could work you. Your dug buddy (who spells their name like that, anyway? Do his parents hate him or is he just lacking in social exposure?) seems every bit as smug as you do. It’s not the race I like. It’s the mixing it up after with the ones like you that think you are something. I’d be happy to drop you in both ways that you describe above. Then I guess you’d have to tell your mommy that you got worked by a triathlete, huh?

  31. Comment by fatty | 04.1.2007 | 9:30 pm

    angryroadie – how DARE you call me self-indulgent?! i am known far and wide for my kind heart, my caring demeanor, and my ability to overlook the fact that both you and my brother-in-law rocky not only have the same vocabulary, but the same IP address. happy april fool’s day, rocky!

    PS: dug’s parent’s love him. a lot.

  32. Comment by Tyson | 04.1.2007 | 9:35 pm

    Haha that was great! You had me in “can’t stop watching train wreck” mode the entire time. Yesterday’s “new look” was a great decoy!

  33. Comment by JET(not a nickname) | 04.1.2007 | 10:11 pm

    Nice. I bow down to the master of this years April Fools. A prank that consists of two stages over two days. I went for it all hook line and sinker.

  34. Comment by HighwayMunky | 04.2.2007 | 12:40 am

    Spectacular! A truelly beautiful piece of work, I enjoy using my face as a brake as much as the next rider but you my friend, you are an ARTIST!

  35. Comment by HighwayMunky | 04.2.2007 | 12:41 am

    April……. Fooooll!!! BASTARD!

  36. Comment by Adam | 04.2.2007 | 4:03 am

    haha – nice! – I agree the decoy was a great touch

  37. Comment by Al Maviva | 04.2.2007 | 5:01 am

    Nice, funny. You had me until you talked about Kenny screaming with the broken hip – everybody I’ve seen with one just laid there shaking and gray; and the thing about two life flights. They would have crammed the walking wounded on there with the stretcher case.

  38. Comment by James | 04.2.2007 | 5:22 am

    OK, ya got me, but there was a part of me saying “No way his wife knew how to pack him for a bike trip…Dug must’ve helped her!”

  39. Comment by Anonymous | 04.2.2007 | 6:03 am

    that pout is hilarious! but props on the farce. you got me. somehow in my haste to read the comments i missed the part at the bottom from you said you were kidding. lol

  40. Comment by regina | 04.2.2007 | 6:05 am

    hold on just a sec need to cough up a hook a line and a sinker, you stinker.

  41. Comment by Den | 04.2.2007 | 6:20 am

    Ahhh, you got me. Good one. I actually started thinking, ‘Man, Kennys havng some bad luck lately.’

    Priceless. And props to your wife on the makeup job. You should have tried to puff up your left cheek or something though to make it look more swollen.

  42. Comment by GenghisKhan | 04.2.2007 | 6:22 am

    Hmmm, it seems like we’ve got lots of “April (and all those other months that end with an “r” or some other letter that is or is not a vowel) Fools” reading this blog. I mean, really, it’s not like I believed it, yeah not at all–no hook, no line and defiiinitely, no sinker. Yeah, it does seem more believable if I write it… Okay, so what says we all get together at Fatty’s tonight, around 2AM and show him what a real pile up would make him look like–bring your socks (long ones, that is), bring your pennies and we’ll get him good! Yeah, of course the tri guys and gals can bring the treats and just watch…

  43. Comment by AngryRoadie | 04.2.2007 | 7:21 am

    Blast that rss feed. But you were in for a minute, right?

  44. Comment by Chris | 04.2.2007 | 7:47 am

    Bravo, Bravo, Bravo!

  45. Comment by fatty | 04.2.2007 | 7:56 am

    angryrocky – yeah, you had me until the “boo i say. boo,” in your first post, which actually made me think it was bob. checked the ip address to see if it came from seattle, surprised that it wasn’t, and then checked to see if that ip address had been used by anyone else. turns out it belongs to a certain smart-mouthed bro-in-law. good one.

    ps: you are the only person in the world who still calls people “punk.” even without the ip address, i would have guessed it was you from that.

  46. Comment by James | 04.2.2007 | 8:25 am

    Well, you suckered me.

  47. Comment by Beast Mom | 04.2.2007 | 9:36 am

    heh-heh. that photo’s funny. you look ultra-unhappy. nicely done.

  48. Comment by Not a cyclist | 04.2.2007 | 10:32 am

    You definitely had me the whole way through. Though perhaps, as my username du jour indicates, I have absolutely no idea what a trip to Moab, a spectacular crash, or the inevitable injuries should entail.

    I also laughed out loud at this line: “Dug alternated between expressing his pain and his assessment of me as a human being and rider. I gather that I was found wanting in both respects.”

    Nice one!

  49. Comment by dpcowboy | 04.2.2007 | 11:14 am

    I read this today after getting an April Fool’s email and picture from my daughter (almost 19), so I was not only forewarned, but wary.
    However, I still enjoyed the story, especially Brad laughing, which is what I would’ve done. I felt kinda guilty about saying that, but it is the damn truth! I need help.
    Side note…got to help corral some cattle (actually…roping steers) on the big ranch last weekend in Central Cal…and instead of using motorcycles, four of the cowboys (and me) used mountain bikes…incredible workout…and dirty fun! You and all the pals in Utah should try it.

  50. Comment by Mrs. Coach | 04.2.2007 | 12:15 pm


    Here I was feeling sorry for you- not because you got hurt (sorry) but becuase you must feel awful for injuring all your friends.

    Although I must say, what does it say about you and your friends that we all believed this to be a plausible story?

  51. Comment by Mrs. Coach | 04.2.2007 | 12:32 pm

    Rocky, the angryroadie was hilarious! I’m glad I finished reading the comments before pouncing.

    FC- your wife did do a fanstastic job. I was a crashed cyclist this last halloween but I didn’t look nearly that good. Well, maybe if you squinted.

  52. Comment by Brian C | 04.2.2007 | 1:55 pm

    what is it about ss 29ers? its all i want to ride off the pavement nowadays.

  53. Comment by Caloi-Rider | 04.2.2007 | 3:30 pm

    Thanks, Fatty. Yeah, you had me chanting, “No way,” the whole time. April Fool’s was a total bust until now.

  54. Comment by buckythedonkey | 04.2.2007 | 6:26 pm

    Hook, line and bleedin’ sinker. :)

  55. Comment by Co | 04.2.2007 | 7:54 pm

    but – why is Rick S’s name N.H.R.N.? is he really Rick SneakyPants or something?

  56. Comment by fatfreediver | 04.2.2007 | 8:38 pm

    Bastard. Had me reading it out loud to my fiancee’ after she saw your picture.

    I’m going to get eaten by a shark someday and tell you about it as payback.

  57. Comment by Chris | 04.3.2007 | 1:53 pm

    I been had. Nice job.

  58. Comment by ronk | 04.6.2007 | 12:48 pm

    I found out today that it was fake…..I stopped reading after clicking on the toilet link and that took 2 hours of looking at and researching them! Nice…..

  59. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » Yesterday | 04.2.2008 | 7:55 am

    [...] So I did something a little more subtle, and can now claim that I have pulled off my favorite April Fools’ joke of all time (yes, even better than last year’s). [...]


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