PARIS, 24 July 2007 (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – Following the positive homologous blood doping test of Alexandre Vinokourov and subsequent withdrawal of Team Astana from the Tour de France today, Race Director Christian Prudhomme announced that everyone else racing in the Tour de France is clean.
“Well, that about wraps it up,” said Prudhomme at a hastily-called press conference. “We finally got the last doper. Everyone else racing the Tour is as clean as a whistle. Possibly even cleaner. You can now watch the rest of the race with full confidence that everyone still in the race — especially all those guys who had like half an hour’s advantage on the once-frontrunner Vinokourov — are not doping. At all.”
Asked about current race leader Michael Rasmussen and the cloud of suspicion hanging over him, Prudhomme responded, “Well, is he still in the race? Yes, he is. So he must not be doping, or we would have caught him, just like we have caught all the dopers.”
Smiling for the press, which was completely reassured, Prudhomme noted, “It’s a fantastic time to be a fan of professional cycling, now that we’re finally finished cleaning the sport up.”
Fans and Racers React
“I used to worry about whether some of the pros were doping,” said Matt Carter, an American cycling fan visiting France to see the Tour firsthand. “But now that the sport has these really reliable drug tests in place, anyone who’s foolish enough to cheat will be caught and punished. I’m just glad that Alexandre Vinokourov was the only one left cheating, and that the other GC guys — each of which was just about forever ahead of Vino — aren’t doping.”
“I sometimes used to look around me and wonder,” said Levi Leipheimer, a clean racer for Team Discovery, “which of the cyclists around me are doping. Now I no longer have to worry about that, because all the dopers have been caught, leaving only the honest racers in the peloton. It’s a great feeling.”
“Yeah,” agreed teammate Alberto Contador, a clean Freshman racer currently in second place in the Tour de France. “I don’t understand why anyone would need to dope anyway. I mean, look at me! I don’t dope, as clearly witnessed by my negative test results, and I’m still able to take first and second place, stage after stage after stage!”
“What’s crazy,” said Nick Abbott, an Australian race fan, “is that Vinokourov somehow thought he could get away with it! Didn’t he realize that anyone who dopes is going to get caught by this foolproof dope detector machine WADA has built?
No More Tests Needed, Ever Again
WADA Chief Dick Pound took today’s announcement as an opportunity to say, “I’m very pleased that we’ve finally arrived at the point where our sport is all cleaned up. Effective immediately, there will be no more tests, since they are no longer necessary. Also, I am disbanding WADA, since it has so thoroughly done its job that it is no longer necessary.
“I feel immensely gratified,” concluded Pound, “to have played my part in this highly effective anti-doping campaign in the great sport of cycling. With the capture of the final doper in the pro peloton, we’ve crossed the finish line, and we’ve won. It’s a great day for all of us.”