News Flash: Race Promoter Announces Even-Longer, More-Impossible-to-Complete, Less-Likely-to-Ever-Happen Competitor to Tour of America
Seattle (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – PorkoVelo Enterprises, LLC, a heretofore-unheard-of USA biking race promoter, announced today in a hastily-called press conference that it would be offering a proposal for a United States-based Grand Tour, competing with the just-announced Tour of America. The race, according to PorkoVelo CEO Rick Sunderlage, will be called “Ride Around the US a Lot of Times” (RATUSALOT).
According to Sunderlage, “We’ve been thinking, lately, that what the world really needs is another Grand Tour. Except one that’s not so easy. And it should be somewhere where road biking isn’t as popular as it is in the rest of the world. And it should happen right after the biggest, most succesful top-tier US-based racing team ever disbanded, due to lack of sponsor interest.”
“I swear,” continued Sunderlage, “We were, like, 75% finished with our plan when those jerks at Aqu Inc. came out and announced their race, which I guess kind of forced our hand. So we kind of had to rush to get our proposal out the door, which means it’s kind of half-baked, unlike the Aqu idea.”
“Man,” said Sunderlage, a trace of frustration showing on his face, “Those guys have their plan totally nailed. You can tell they’ve thought everything through.”
PS: My apologies to all Sunderlages for this crass attempt at humor. I wish you only the best in your race promotion endeavors.
PPS: You’ve got to admit, “PorkoVelo” would be a pretty awesome name for a company, if I were ever to create one.