News Flash: Race Promoter Announces Even-Longer, More-Impossible-to-Complete, Less-Likely-to-Ever-Happen Competitor to Tour of America

10.1.2007 | 9:35 pm

A Note From Fatty: My weekly BikeRadar article is now up. Here’s a preview, but you can read the whole thing at

Seattle (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – PorkoVelo Enterprises, LLC, a heretofore-unheard-of USA biking race promoter, announced today in a hastily-called press conference that it would be offering a proposal for a United States-based Grand Tour, competing with the just-announced Tour of America. The race, according to PorkoVelo CEO Rick Sunderlage, will be called “Ride Around the US a Lot of Times” (RATUSALOT).

According to Sunderlage, “We’ve been thinking, lately, that what the world really needs is another Grand Tour. Except one that’s not so easy. And it should be somewhere where road biking isn’t as popular as it is in the rest of the world. And it should happen right after the biggest, most succesful top-tier US-based racing team ever disbanded, due to lack of sponsor interest.”

“I swear,” continued Sunderlage, “We were, like, 75% finished with our plan when those jerks at Aqu Inc. came out and announced their race, which I guess kind of forced our hand. So we kind of had to rush to get our proposal out the door, which means it’s kind of half-baked, unlike the Aqu idea.”

“Man,” said Sunderlage, a trace of frustration showing on his face, “Those guys have their plan totally nailed. You can tell they’ve thought everything through.”

Click here to continue on to the rest of the article at

PS: My apologies to all Sunderlages for this crass attempt at humor. I wish you only the best in your race promotion endeavors.

PPS: You’ve got to admit, “PorkoVelo” would be a pretty awesome name for a company, if I were ever to create one.


  1. Comment by jill | 10.2.2007 | 12:30 am

    That’s my favorite fake news piece yet. Nice work. When can I sign up for RATUSALOT?

  2. Comment by LanterneRouge | 10.2.2007 | 1:38 am

    Porkavelo. Doesn’t sound kosher.

  3. Comment by | 10.2.2007 | 4:12 am

    Ooohhh, sawwwry, can’t make the event, but I’d LOVE to buy a commemorative jersey! No, seriously man, you should totally make up RATUSALOT jersey’s. And I should get cut in on it on account I’d even throw in to make ‘em!

  4. Comment by Big Boned | 10.2.2007 | 4:21 am

    Is it too late to alter the course to have it hit the UP of Michigan. Being a native Michigander, I’m a bit offended that the upper peninsula was omitted, Texas I can understand, but the UP? Come on, it’s not REALLY a tour of America without getting a little of THESE quality roads under the tires!

  5. Comment by sans auto | 10.2.2007 | 5:42 am

    So the Tour de France has a traditional procession aroud the Champs Elysee, presumably because that is a place people like to go. the RAT… race thing will finish in Downtown Casper Wyoming (it is the 4th biggest city in Wyoming). Are they going to do laps around a cow pasture and finish on the traditional “pattie” covered streets (it’s sort of like pavee)? I think this could be huge!!

  6. Comment by axel | 10.2.2007 | 6:07 am

    it’s just not fair to leave out texas, home of LANCE, home of PAT MCCARTY, birthplace of BOBBY J, … . we are not more bikephobic than say mississippi. then again, all recent attempts to bring pro bike racing to Texas have been ‘postponed’ – no united supermarkets tour of texas or the one day race in Austin – so including texas might have doomed the whole thing and it may just never happen.
    You may want to send this idea to the RAAM folks – they have not increased the difficulty of their little 10 day event in a while.

  7. Comment by KeepYerBag | 10.2.2007 | 6:45 am

    PorkoVelo: Sounds like something Mark Mothersbaugh would come up with.

  8. Comment by tigermouth | 10.2.2007 | 7:33 am

    A tshirt with RATUSALOT and the map would be pretty funny. However, I wouldn’t buy it on a jersey.

  9. Comment by Boz | 10.2.2007 | 7:46 am

    Yes, a super ugly, cheap-o, cheesy jersey is in order. Maybe put the pockets on the front. And a baggy fit. Sign me up.

  10. Pingback by » Links Of The Day: 2 October 2007 | 10.2.2007 | 8:18 am

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  11. Comment by The Neil | 10.2.2007 | 8:31 am

    It’s kind of funny, I actually looked for the Fat Cyclist name on the original Tour of America news article on Velonews. I also had to double check my calender to make sure it wasn’t April fools.

  12. Comment by Pammap | 10.2.2007 | 9:06 am

    Fatty, you never disappoint!

  13. Comment by Lulea | 10.2.2007 | 9:16 am

    I’m with “The Neil.” I just read the Tour of America website and thought it was a joke. It was written so egocentric of the USA that I was embarrassed and the mileage on the stages is ridicules. They need better writers too. Fatty are you going to volunteer to help them out?

  14. Comment by KT | 10.2.2007 | 9:46 am

    Ha! A cheap t-shirt with the RATSALOT logo and a map would be EXCELLENT. Make sure to use one of those shirts that so cheap, you can almost see through it. :) And maybe draw the logo with a sharpie.

    I’d pay about…. $5 for it. But don’t do a jersey. Maybe you could draw pockets on the t-shirt so it LOOKS like a jersey without going to all the expense of actually DOING a jersey.

  15. Comment by Mike Roadie | 10.2.2007 | 9:59 am

    But it has to say RATUSALOT (not its real name)

  16. Comment by Al Maviva | 10.2.2007 | 10:17 am

    I think you meant to spell that, “Por ca Velo.” That gives it an upscale Euro / Northeastern Megalopolis flavor that merely dis’ing Texas doesn’t quite achieve.

  17. Comment by Clydesteve | 10.2.2007 | 10:52 am

    On the subjest of extreeme distance riding, this is hard to believe – at least I found it so – there was a guy in the Portland LIVESTRONG ride monday doing a SUPER DUPER fundraising, well I hesitate to call this a stunt, it is so outrageous. He was collecting donations – all to benefit the Lance Armstrong Foundation – for doing 50 centurys in 50 days – 5000 miles.

    I would have passed the guy off, but he had friends also doing some rides with him, they were interviewing a wet friend, and he was on his 44th century in a row. Off to Hawaii the next day. They cancelled the 100-mile option in the Portland event becasue of dangerous weather conditions – I had to do the 70-miler. This guy was out doing the 10-miler – 3 times in a row (in a torrent of cold rain) following the 70-miler, while I was sitting in the food and beer garden after my ride.

    I’ll get you his name, Rick S (not real initial) – I think he could handle Ratusalot.

  18. Comment by Clydesteve | 10.2.2007 | 11:12 am

    Just read the bikeradar piece – What a crackup. My (nerd-engineer perspective) favorite: “For another thing, we’re having a rough time converting the miles into kilograms.

    So….Porkovelo is providing the drugs for this event, right?

  19. Comment by TIMK | 10.2.2007 | 11:13 am

    Elden, would you prefer that we leave comments for the Bike Radar stuff here or there? I’m assuming there since that shows them that you are bringing readers, but this place is like home, well maybe not home, but Cheers, where everybody knows your name, unless you are Rick Sunderlage.

    I look forward to the Versus marketing for RATUSALOT – they’ll call the big riders the “KNIGHTS OF RATUSALOT” and play really awesome epic rock opera during the promos.

  20. Comment by Tim D | 10.2.2007 | 11:41 am

    In the tradition of the european grand tours (or at least their more recent money grabbing escapades) I think the RATUSALOT needs to embrace some of its neighbours. How about having the Prologue in the UK. I have the perfect course, Lands End to John o’Groats. A 1000 mile prologue should sort the men from the boys.

  21. Pingback by Biking Circle - Today’s Top Blog Posts on Biking - Powered by SocialRank | 10.2.2007 | 11:44 am

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  22. Pingback by Biking Circle - Today’s Top Blog Posts on Biking - Powered by SocialRank | 10.2.2007 | 11:44 am

    [...] News Flash: Race Promoter Announces Even-Longer, More-Impossible-to-Complete, Less-Likely-to-Ever-Happen Competitor to Tour of America [...]

  23. Pingback by Biking Circle - Today’s Top Blog Posts on Biking - Powered by SocialRank | 10.2.2007 | 11:44 am

    [...] News Flash: Race Promoter Announces Even-Longer, More-Impossible-to-Complete, Less-Likely-to-Ever-Happen Competitor to Tour of America [...]

  24. Comment by Jay | 10.2.2007 | 11:54 am

    I see a sponsorship issue. Pepsi/Gatorade probably won’t like being in the “all you can drink Coke Products” for prizes. The race director better work that one out. Personally I prefer Pepsi/Gatorade over the Coke/Powerade, but maybe that’s just me.

  25. Comment by eunicesara | 10.2.2007 | 2:14 pm

    I first read this and went, big deal. Hmm. Then I started catching the fever – jerseys, paper thin tee’s, drawn on pockets. Yeah! YEAH! And?! What if your faithful hoards of readers each BOUGHT a shirt/jersey/TPwrap with drawn-on seams and pockets AND PAID YOU to have their picture included in the Rat-race yearbook! There’s a fund raiser. Jeepers, who needs Gatorcola anyway! Big Boned could even submit a picture and money order to have his detour adventure in the UP included. It’s not like your roads are identifiable, right?

  26. Comment by Trecker | 10.2.2007 | 6:37 pm

    Is it just my imagination, or does RATUSALOT end at the home of the Fat Cyclist himself?

  27. Comment by mark | 10.2.2007 | 6:51 pm

    I’m pretty sure that the Tour of America is being sponsored by Dr. Evil, hence the prize of “One MILLION Dollars” (best said with pinky in corner of mouth, followed by your best evil laugh). After the race is over, every town the riders crossed through will be blown up with a “Laser,” which, by my reckoning, is nearly every town in America. Unless of course your view of America includes North, South, and Central, which is, incidentally, the only way I can fathom that someone could say that the majority of the best riders in the world are from America. And even then it’s a stretch, Juan Mauricio Soler notwithstanding.

  28. Comment by Congo | 10.3.2007 | 12:21 am

    Slightly off topic I know but seeing as Team Slipstream would likely be competing in the RATUSALOT I think the organizers need to have a “minimum dress standard” which would exclude them based on their proposed jersey design:

    Is the pattern on the front from an Argyle jumper? Definitely a contender for Fatty’s ugliest jerseys contest!

  29. Comment by Boz | 10.3.2007 | 4:26 am

    Congo – It’s better than last years version. It least the shorts will be darker blue on the new design. Light shorts just don’t work in a sport where there is alway a chance of soiling one’s self. Not that it’s ever happened to me, but I remember a photo of Tom Boonen from the back after a mid-stage bout of stomach distress.

  30. Comment by Bitter (Lissee) | 10.3.2007 | 6:25 am

    My favorite line? “Unlike Aqu Inc., we’re not afraid to go into the mountains” lol

    I was thinking wondering about mountain stages when I briefly eyeballed Aqu’s proposed routes. And come on, riding from Central Park to Ground Zero is so cliche.

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