Chafe
I woke up this morning at 6:00 — time for my daily ride on the rollers (currently watching season 6 of 24 on the DVD).
I’ve become smart about how I get started on my early morning exercising: the key is to have everything all in place the night before, so I don’t have to do anything before I get started in the morning. The logic of this — for me, anyway — is impeccable. If I have any excuse whatsoever to not exercise at 6:00am on a winter morning, I am going to take it. This means that, last night, I took care of:
- Making sure the bike’s tires were inflated to 110psi.
- Filling two water bottles and putting them in their cages.
- Putting the correct DVD in the player.
- Laying out shorts, jersey, socks and shoes on the floor by the rollers.
I Feel Fine
With everything in place like this, it’s pretty easy to roll out of bed, get dressed (still in the dark), and start riding. And for the first half hour or so of the first episode of 24 I watched, everything was fine. The show requires little or no concentration, is action-packed, and is as comfortably predictable as an old pair of shoes.
It’s as if 24 were designed to be exercised to.
I Chafe
[A note from Fatty: I'm about to give you more information than you may want to have. I apologize in advance.]
But by the final fifteen minutes of the show, I was starting to suffer. My legs felt fine, but my butt and my . . . um . . . well, let’s just go ahead and call it my “penis” . . . were unhappy. Just a little sore, you know. I’ve had worse.
I climbed off the bike at the end of the episode, grabbed the remote, and started the next episode.
By the time I was a third of the way into the episode, I could barely watch. I felt like I was having my nether regions sanded with each turn of the crank. I had no idea why. This was my most comfortable pair of shorts — my DeMarchis — which have never given me any trouble before.
Did I have a rash? Had I somehow been sitting wrong? Had the washing machine skipped the rinse cycle, leaving soap in my chamois? I considered each of these possibilities. None of it made sense.
By the time I finished the second episode — yes, I finished both episodes — I felt like I was bleeding. Later inspection would show that I was not, but still.
I climbed off the bike — slowly — turned off the DVD player and the TV, and sat down to take off my shoes.
And that’s when I discovered the problem.
I had just ridden on the rollers for 90 minutes with my bib shorts inside out.
Comment by redemske | 01.4.2008 | 11:00 am
Did you put chamois cream on the pad? I would think the gooey remnants of a thorough lube job would be noticeable. Or not, apparently.
Comment by Anonymous | 01.4.2008 | 11:08 am
My goodness. Either you need a checklist to remind you to turn your shorts right side out, or you need to turn the lights on while you get dressed.
That’s probably the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time, and I read your blog all the time.
Thanks for the laugh!
Comment by TomE | 01.4.2008 | 11:10 am
GRRRR…I’m trying to nominate you and I have four blogs filled out and it won’t accept my vote!!!! I keep getting a note to “try to submit again”. Maybe Fatty should run their site.
Comment by dkirkavitch | 01.4.2008 | 11:18 am
I hate it when that happens. At least it wasn’t a group ride.
BTW:
Prediction: I will train less, eat more, and will set a new personal weight record.
What’s up with that? I think were getting played here.
Comment by solidjack | 01.4.2008 | 11:27 am
I am confused by the bloggies nomination page and, being that web programming is my job, that isn’t saying much.
I’m trying to do my part….not going well..
The morning training ride doesn’t seem to sit well with my neighbors below me. They do not appreciate the 6 am humming.
Comment by James | 01.4.2008 | 11:33 am
Awesome.
Comment by SkinnyCyclist | 01.4.2008 | 11:35 am
I have a similar story.
I ride with a group everyday at 5:30 AM when it is warm enough to do so. This past summer the normal group is gathering when one of our regulars roles up. Let’s call him Frank for the sake of his anonymity.
Frank is not what one would call a morning person. In fact, his mere presence at the morning ride is close to a miracle. This particular morning, he proved that he is bad in the morning time.
Frank pulls up in front of me as we wait for the rest of the group to arrive, says good morning, yawns and waits with the rest of us. It took a second, but I noticed that that there was something wrong with Frank’s shorts. His bibs were on inside out.
When I pointed this fact out to him, he merely shrugged and sat there. We took off on our ride and 15 minutes later he pulled off the road, reversed his shorts and caught back up to the group (we waited for him up the road). He was complaining the rest of the rife of “severe” chafing!
The goop on the seat was perhaps the funniest sight of all!
Comment by cheapie | 01.4.2008 | 11:36 am
do you like the rollers? i was just invited to my my LBS mtn bike team and can get a great price on a set and am considering doing so.
Comment by Canadian Roadie | 01.4.2008 | 11:44 am
Ouch! I’m a girl and I still cringed at the thought. For the record, I have bled from chafing before, and trust me, you know when you’re at that stage.
Thanks for the laugh, even though it’s at your expense.
FYI, Kanyon Kris told me you have to type in the words in the box at the bottom of the Bloggies page before hitting submit.
Comment by Al | 01.4.2008 | 11:47 am
You owe me a new keyboard!
Comment by will | 01.4.2008 | 11:57 am
you wear clothes on rollers? gets too hot for me.
I just use a little tape to avoid the spokes …..
Comment by Al Maviva | 01.4.2008 | 12:00 pm
Dumb #$%@*&#.
Comment by Lowrydr | 01.4.2008 | 12:02 pm
Now that’s Smooooooth!!!!! No wait I guess it wasn’t so smooth after all.
Comment by Mbonkers | 01.4.2008 | 12:05 pm
Thank you for making me wipe coffee off of my keyboard, and out of my beard…and off my screen.
I’ve put socks on inside out, not being a morning person myself. I’m sure the shorts will be soon.
Mental note, put glowing tape on the outside of shorts…
Comment by Ethan | 01.4.2008 | 12:06 pm
Those bibs must not be as nice as you thought. Please! I expect all of my apparel to function inside-out, backwards, etc. I also demand nothing less than a luxury body.
Finally, I think that this blog could use more “penis” stories. Well done.
Comment by mocougfan | 01.4.2008 | 12:11 pm
Ah….TMI my friend TMI.
Comment by Anonymous | 01.4.2008 | 12:12 pm
The proper saddle/butt barrier has been now compromised. Just you would not want to purchase someones used shorts/chamois, you now must reveal that direct contact between chamois and saddle has been made if you were to ever sell this saddle on eBay…it’s common courtesy.
Comment by brokemba | 01.4.2008 | 12:15 pm
Now that I have wiped the coffee off my keyboard and screen, I can’t imagine how bad that must feel. Looks like you need one more thing in the morning. Set all your water, food, clothes, tire psi, etc as you are now, but put a coffee pot on auto-timer within reach of the bike. Then as you warm up, you can have a cup and realize pending-nether-region disasters before they really get bad! Yes, coffee on rollers is a bad idea and can make you feel crappy, but hey, sitting on rollers in the dead of winter at 6am is bad enough already. It may save your…uh…oh…nevermind…
Comment by Kris | 01.4.2008 | 12:22 pm
“inside out” – nice punchline and good build up to it.
I hurt myself yesterday, but worse, I knew exactly what I was doing. I went cross country skiing in some old boots and I could feel some rubbing. I knew I should have stopped, but I wanted to go farther and didn’t have anything with me to correct the problem. No surprise that I came back with ripped open blisters on each heel. I drove right down to REI and bought new boots.
Comment by Rick S. | 01.4.2008 | 12:32 pm
I still can’t get past the fact that you rode 90 min on rollers. Insane.
Comment by fatty | 01.4.2008 | 12:35 pm
redemske – no, i haven’t used chamois cream in years, not even for endurance rides. not even for 20 hours on the kokopelli trail. i’ve found that a really good chamois doesn’t need chamois cream. unless the chamois is on the outside.
mocougfan – you can’t say i didn’t warn you.
ethan – i’ll include penis stories as events warrant. thanks for the vote.
ethan – backward/forward/inside out shorts are a great idea. theoretically, you could then wear them four times between washings. this may not be the best way to make friends, however.
al maviva – well, duh.
everyone who’s patiently trying to nominate me: thanks!
Comment by Judi | 01.4.2008 | 12:42 pm
That is too funny Fatty. Thanks.
Comment by James | 01.4.2008 | 12:43 pm
ok so that is not good. I was going to recommend the Glide stuff that I run with. I will lay a little down there when I put on my cycling shorts when I ride and it just keeps things moving past one another without incident.
But having the shorts actually inside out is impressive. More impressive is your complete inability to diagnose the problem in less than 2 episodes of 24. Still more impressive is the fact that you suffered through 2 full episodes with no additional diagnostic activity whatsoever.
Maybe a tiny nightlight near the rollers? Improve the odds a little?
Comment by BotchedExperiment | 01.4.2008 | 12:45 pm
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Comment by conejita | 01.4.2008 | 12:47 pm
@ Tom E: You probably missed the little red and yellow box right above submit that makes you type in those horrible fuzzy letters you cant read. I did the same thing and kept getting the same error message.
Comment by Bryan (not that one) | 01.4.2008 | 12:51 pm
I think I speak for everyone when I say, thank you for not documenting this post with pictures.
Comment by Uphill Battle | 01.4.2008 | 12:57 pm
Fatty, I have walked out of the house in two different socks, or two different shoes many times…or blue or brown hose when black was the color of the day. It just doesn’t pay to get dressed in the dark!
Bryan, I for one would like Fatty to prove with photos that this story is the whole truth!
Comment by rexinsea | 01.4.2008 | 1:13 pm
Very funny. I must say I’ve never heard of this particular problem before. What you need is a coffee maker set to brew at 5:50. Then you can ride properly caffeinated.
Comment by Lucas | 01.4.2008 | 1:21 pm
If you post pictures I am rescending my vote! Oh, and I am a little confused as to why a guy would ask for more penis stories?
Comment by TomE | 01.4.2008 | 1:21 pm
Thanks conejita!!!!
Comment by Paul | 01.4.2008 | 1:26 pm
That was too funny, and please, no pictures.
Will: What kind of tape? I haven’t found any strong enough
Comment by chtrich | 01.4.2008 | 1:39 pm
“dkirkavitch Says:
BTW:
Prediction: I will train less, eat more, and will set a new personal weight record.
What’s up with that? I think were getting played here. ”
I agree!! Up at 6:00 am to ride rollers during the worst part of winter. We’re being setup for sure!
Comment by Jen | 01.4.2008 | 1:45 pm
I always chafe in the same place, no matter the saddle or the shorts. I’ve decided I must have a biomechanical weirdness. I went out for a ride (mtb) after changing at work. Twenty minutes in … the same spot, chafing. I was like “HUH” since it usually takes about two hours before I really notice it. So, being more awake than dear Fatty, I made sure no one was around and stuck my hand down my shorts to feel what was going on. I found a small blackish square pebble! I had no idea how it got in there (lycra shorts) or how it managed to migrate to *that spot*. Needless to say shorts are more comfortable without rocks.
Comment by TIMK | 01.4.2008 | 1:46 pm
I’ve heard you talk about the two-sided socks before. Maybe it’s time to look for some two-sided (reversible) bib shorts. Although, as was mentioned above, I think you would definitely need to warn anyone before selling your saddle.
Comment by Less Fat Mike | 01.4.2008 | 1:52 pm
It takes a big man to admit a mistake like this. It takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. – paraphrased from Deep Thoughts SNL.
Comment by Pammap | 01.4.2008 | 2:08 pm
Sorry, Fatty, but that was funny. I know, not really funny, but funny. I had to laugh.
Comment by DrCodfish | 01.4.2008 | 2:27 pm
I’m sitting here at home with pneumonia. Though it hurts when I do, thanks for the laugh!
Comment by randomhigh | 01.4.2008 | 2:59 pm
I actually laughed out loud… thanks for improving a pretty crappy day!
Comment by Big Tommy C | 01.4.2008 | 3:43 pm
…the last time I did a group ride I had a similar problem.
It was only after I got home that I discovered I had failed to remove my underwear before applying my tights. Wonder if I had a nice pantyline?
Comment by Big Tommy C | 01.4.2008 | 3:43 pm
Also: I TOTALLY need to start doing that with my trainer. Minues the wardrobe malfunction.
Comment by LanterneRouge | 01.4.2008 | 3:51 pm
Jen, it’s important to get your rocks off before you ride. Unless you are racing that day.
Comment by Miles Archer | 01.4.2008 | 4:26 pm
Nice.
Comment by Dobovedo | 01.4.2008 | 5:05 pm
I’ve put T-Shirts, Sweatshirts, jerseys, and just about every other kind of “topside” garment on inside out, to the point where I usually am required to have my wife check me out before I’m allowed to go out the front door.
And I have, on at least one occasion, in college mind you, turned the skivvies inside out.
But that’s a first!
Comment by Clydesteve | 01.4.2008 | 5:43 pm
Fatty – I am gob-smacked (I really just wanted to say “gob-smacked” – it’s like saying “weasels”) that you didn’t notice something – Do you leave all the lights out in the DVD / vomitron room?
Comment by Vince | 01.4.2008 | 5:56 pm
OMG! I almost did the same thing but before an outdoor ride, I only noticed because I did a “parts” check before walking out…good thing…sign of the cross…”spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch”
Comment by bikemike | 01.4.2008 | 6:54 pm
luxury body, i think not.
Comment by Travis | 01.4.2008 | 7:43 pm
I’ve done the same with a wetsuit, cold early morning swims in the fog…. I’ve given up since then……. somethings aren’t just meant to be
Comment by Debamundo | 01.4.2008 | 8:59 pm
Is there a Bloggie for funniest? Cause I just woke my husband up laughing.
Comment by Born 4 Lycra | 01.4.2008 | 9:47 pm
Just another job to do before you go to bed. Put the bike shorts on and get Susan to tell you if they are okay. Funny story and I agree with Al. I always agree with Al – If you don’t he swears at you.
Nominations are in thanks for the advice on the others.
Cheers
Comment by fatty | 01.4.2008 | 9:52 pm
clydesteve – i did leave all the lights out in the treadmill / rollers / arts and crafts / storage room, but that’s no excuse. The light of the TV is sufficient for me to have noticed, if only I would have looked. But it just never occurred to me that my shorts would be inside out. i mean, in years and years and years of riding, i have never put them on inside out before. i chalk it up to two things:
1. The chamois is as black as the rest of the shorts on my DeMarchi’s.
2. I was not thinking clearly.
3. I am addle-brained.
debamundo – there is in fact a “most humorous weblog” entry, and it is in fact the one i covet most.
Comment by barry1021 | 01.5.2008 | 4:33 am
Now THAT’s a punch line! I wasn’t expecting that! I too need a new keyboard. And this from a guy who was giving an informal talk in a living room once to about 20 people and halfway through notices I had two different shoes on.
b21
Comment by Bluenoser | 01.5.2008 | 5:31 am
The vote is in there Fatty. The site must be written in Canadian there were no problems encountered.
BTW. Luke Seemann does a really good sports type blog called Chicago Bike Racing. http://www.chicagobikeracing.com/
Maybe worth voting for in the sports section.
Don’t know quite what to say about the shorts Fatty.
-B
Comment by blinddrew | 01.5.2008 | 5:52 am
I believe that the current online vernacular should be LOL! Genuinely i did laugh out loud, but only because i remember after a ride a couple of years ago feeling very similar – At least you found the root cause, i never was able to figure out why i wasn’t able to sit down for two days…
Comment by Kristen | 01.5.2008 | 6:27 am
Thanks for the laugh this morning Fatty, my coffee about came out of my nose.
Also got in my vote for ya!
Comment by roadrash | 01.5.2008 | 7:04 am
great morning – good laughs and was able to cast a vote for fatcyclist.com
Comment by cyclingphun.blogspot.com | 01.5.2008 | 7:14 am
Dear Fatty:
Im concerned. The posts that seem to get the most comments revolve around chamois cream, and your genitals. Really, just think back. Assos Cream, ball-spalming (can’t remember, was that hyphenated), and now this! Should we be concerned
Don
in a state of confusion
Comment by Rob L | 01.5.2008 | 7:21 am
Hahaha, that just made my day after sitting in traffic and missing the first hour of a two hour group ride last night.
Oh the perils of getting dressed in the dark while not very awake.
Comment by swtkaroline | 01.5.2008 | 8:12 am
I lol’d. Long, loud, and hard. I’m sorry for your pain, but damn that was funny.
Comment by Fan of Susan | 01.5.2008 | 8:45 am
A friend of mine showed up at work with two different shoes on – when I pointed that out to him, he explained he had gotten dressed in the dark. What that didn’t seem to account for was that one shoe had to be laced and the other shoe had to be buckled.
Comment by AndyC | 01.5.2008 | 12:27 pm
What a hoot! Don’t you just hate that rubbing sensation. You know something’s not right but can’t stop long enough to check it out. Like those little nylon threads on seams and tags that poke and are hard as hell to see.
I’ve put my bibs on inside out while at home but thankfully caught myself before leaving the bedroom. I love my bibs for comfort but if you have two jerseys on for colder weather it is a lot of trouble removing them to take the bibs off to use the John.
NOTE: I think the link to Up In Alaska sends you to the Bloggies site (again) rather than her site. Might want to fix that so people don’t get confused. I was at first.
Comment by barry1021 | 01.5.2008 | 1:49 pm
Fan of Susan
Lol!! Man it s a bad combination to get dressed in the dark and have a bad short term memory!!!
b21
Comment by not a cyclist...... | 01.5.2008 | 3:59 pm
And the 2008 Darwin Award goes to………
Comment by DNAtsol | 01.5.2008 | 9:09 pm
This little gem completely made up for my carppy single track ride today. I thought I had a bad day when I wipe out out a flat sidewalk, lose a water bottle on a steep downhill, get a kickstand tangled in my rear spokes and completely endo and get my warmer booties caught in the big ring while I’m on my back in the brush. Did I have a bad day?
Nah, not compared to fatty! Too freakin funny.
PS got my vote in.
Comment by Fan of Susan | 01.5.2008 | 9:59 pm
FC – Got my nominations in. Hope you, Susan and the family had a great holiday and that 2008 makes up for what you all went thru in 2007.
One more dressing mishap – was at a conference and kept noticing that my underwear was bunching in odd places. When I finally got a chance to slip away to the bathroom, I found I’d been wearing my panties with my waist thru the leg hole and my leg thru the waist opening. I didn’t get dressed in the dark but believe I was rather hung over at the time.
Comment by Mike | 01.6.2008 | 9:05 am
A highly amusing post, definately a good distraction from the reality that i have to go back to work tomorrow as its almost Monday again :(
Comment by aussie kev | 01.6.2008 | 12:50 pm
back at work today for me and already a smile on my face from your “arse carnage” as we call it in our training group !!!
Comment by Rocky | 01.6.2008 | 3:57 pm
Hmm. We all assumed that you had one. Thanks for certifying. It’s good, I guess, that you are comformtable talking about it freely. I think. What, no nicknames? No fond monikers? No euphamistic titles? I am a little disappointed.
Thanks for the laugh.
Comment by buckythedonkey | 01.7.2008 | 1:15 am
That has got to be the funniest thing I have read in years. Classic!
Oh, and thank you for resisting any temptation you might have had to provide photographic evidence…
Comment by rick | 01.7.2008 | 3:24 am
love it!
Comment by Big Mike In Oz | 01.7.2008 | 3:55 am
At least the chafing will take your mind off the “racking” from a few days ago.
Comment by Donald | 01.7.2008 | 7:26 am
GREAT Story! The good news is you will NEVER do that again. It will automatically be at the top of your mental check list.
Comment by Argentius | 01.7.2008 | 8:15 am
That’s the first time I’ve actually laughed out loud while reading a weblog in a long time, thanks.
And, how did you manage to, you know, just keep going?
You are some kinda crazy, I tell ya.
Comment by Chris | 01.7.2008 | 10:01 am
Funniest blog post ever.
Thank you.
Comment by KT | 01.7.2008 | 10:46 am
Ah, the best laid plans of mice and men.
Thank you for not posting pictures. I read this at work, and I think that would violate our company policies.
I’ve worn socks inside out, and underwear inside out, but I catch it at some point… but I’ve never worn bike shorts inside out.
And getting up early to ride 90 minutes inside, during winter? At least when I get up at 6 it’s because the dog wants to go for a walk and he’ll stand in the doorway whining until I get up. No excuses work. But at least I can go back to bed after the walk… hibernating like a bear… until I have to get up at 8 to get to work on time.
Nominating you now! Hope you win!
My best to Susan!
Comment by je | 01.7.2008 | 10:59 am
Another vote for Jill in Alaska. That girl can ride, can write and can shoot photos.
Comment by turnonthejets | 01.7.2008 | 11:38 am
HuzzzHA!
Comment by JohnnyB | 01.7.2008 | 12:45 pm
I think I need step-by-step instructions for the STUPID nomination form. I was unable to get past the “Revise your ballot and try submitting it again.” Do they have a “fatty” filter?
Comment by MBonkers | 01.7.2008 | 2:54 pm
You have been nominated for Best European Weblog.
That’s what you wanted, Right???
Comment by Kris | 01.7.2008 | 6:55 pm
Donde esta Senior Gordo?
Comment by Alex | 01.8.2008 | 2:48 am
I was truly chaffed to read your blog entry.
Comment by Boz | 01.8.2008 | 7:39 am
I acn only read every other comment. Help. Please.
Comment by David | 01.8.2008 | 6:33 pm
Just be glad you didn’t have then on upside down. (I didn’t read all 88 comments since I’m a day or two late, in fact, I didn’t read any of them, so if someone already made this obvious joke, you will have to excuse me.)
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