Anaheim, CA (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – Today, in a private ceremony held within his room at the Portofino Inn and Suites near Disneyland, Elden “Fatty” Nelson — aka “The Fat Cyclist” — declared himself the winner of the Sports Category in the 2008 Weblogs Awards.
This was remarkable primarily because the winner of the award had not yet been announced. It was further remarkable because it was doubtful that Nelson would be the winner, once a winner was announced.
“Fah! I am not interested in votes and voting!” said a visibly agitated Nelson. “I am the winner of this award because I say I am the winner! Is there any who dares to challenge me? If so, come, I dare you! Just try to wrest this award from my hands!”
Nelson was, in fact, holding a shoe aloft at the moment, shaking it vigorously above his head. He seemed to fervently believe that the shoe was a trophy.
“I have written, tirelessly, for years! Years! I deserve some recognition! I deserve some respect! I deserve a freaking Bloggie!” yelled Nelson, his mouth foaming, his eyes rolling wildly, his fingers pointing accusingly at a nonexistent audience.
“Who deserves it more than I do?” demanded Nelson from a group of reporters that existed solely in his inflamed brain. “Who? Who?! Certainly not that Gawker blog — if you can call a cookie-cutter sweatshop like that a blog at all. And what fermented, demented, pimento-mented mind would come up with a blog about sports gossip? That’s just gross.”
“And Homer’s already got enough recognition,” sobbed Nelson, still to himself. “Nobody’s ever offered me a blog on freaking NPR.”
Nelson’s family, meanwhile, cowered together in a corner of the hotel room, fearing for their lives.
More Awards Given
The Sports Category Bloggie was not the only award Nelson gave himself today.
“I hereby declare myself the winner of the 2006 and 2007 Tour de France!” said Nelson. “My claim is as good as anybody’s, and I shall Photoshop myself onto the podium forthwith!”
“I furthermore declare myself the winner of that one local race I thought I won last year,” ranted Nelson, his voice hoarse, his words slurred, “only to find out much later that I had been sandbagged out of my victory. I hereby disqualify that sandbagger and declare myself the true and honest winner!”
“And lastly,” said Nelson, careening wildly around the room, pummeling himself with the shoe he had previously regarded as a trophy, “I declare myself the winner of the Humorous Interpretation competition at the 1983 Colorado State Speech Tournament!”
“I was robbed,” said Nelson, collapsing in a heap. “Robbed, I tell you.”
PS: Congratulations to whoever winds up winning, especially if it’s Jill. As for myself, I’ll use my iPhone to check sometime during the day to see who wins, as I wander Disneyland with Susan and the kids. Huzzah!