News Flash: Fat Cyclist Declares Self Winner of 2008 Bloggies Awards
Anaheim, CA (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – Today, in a private ceremony held within his room at the Portofino Inn and Suites near Disneyland, Elden “Fatty” Nelson — aka “The Fat Cyclist” — declared himself the winner of the Sports Category in the 2008 Weblogs Awards.
This was remarkable primarily because the winner of the award had not yet been announced. It was further remarkable because it was doubtful that Nelson would be the winner, once a winner was announced.
“Fah! I am not interested in votes and voting!” said a visibly agitated Nelson. “I am the winner of this award because I say I am the winner! Is there any who dares to challenge me? If so, come, I dare you! Just try to wrest this award from my hands!”
Nelson was, in fact, holding a shoe aloft at the moment, shaking it vigorously above his head. He seemed to fervently believe that the shoe was a trophy.
“I have written, tirelessly, for years! Years! I deserve some recognition! I deserve some respect! I deserve a freaking Bloggie!” yelled Nelson, his mouth foaming, his eyes rolling wildly, his fingers pointing accusingly at a nonexistent audience.
“Who deserves it more than I do?” demanded Nelson from a group of reporters that existed solely in his inflamed brain. “Who? Who?! Certainly not that Gawker blog — if you can call a cookie-cutter sweatshop like that a blog at all. And what fermented, demented, pimento-mented mind would come up with a blog about sports gossip? That’s just gross.”
“And Homer’s already got enough recognition,” sobbed Nelson, still to himself. “Nobody’s ever offered me a blog on freaking NPR.”
Nelson’s family, meanwhile, cowered together in a corner of the hotel room, fearing for their lives.
More Awards Given
The Sports Category Bloggie was not the only award Nelson gave himself today.
“I hereby declare myself the winner of the 2006 and 2007 Tour de France!” said Nelson. “My claim is as good as anybody’s, and I shall Photoshop myself onto the podium forthwith!”
“I furthermore declare myself the winner of that one local race I thought I won last year,” ranted Nelson, his voice hoarse, his words slurred, “only to find out much later that I had been sandbagged out of my victory. I hereby disqualify that sandbagger and declare myself the true and honest winner!”
“And lastly,” said Nelson, careening wildly around the room, pummeling himself with the shoe he had previously regarded as a trophy, “I declare myself the winner of the Humorous Interpretation competition at the 1983 Colorado State Speech Tournament!”
“I was robbed,” said Nelson, collapsing in a heap. “Robbed, I tell you.”
PS: Congratulations to whoever winds up winning, especially if it’s Jill. As for myself, I’ll use my iPhone to check sometime during the day to see who wins, as I wander Disneyland with Susan and the kids. Huzzah!
Comment by buckythedonkey | 03.10.2008 | 12:52 am
Best of luck for the Bloggies, mate! I must confess that, during the race, Jill’s site has been my first port of call in the mornings. What an amazing woman and what a remarkable feat!
I’ve taken the precaution of asking my wife to talk me out of any ideas I might ever have of travelling anywhere where your eyes can freeze shut.
Hope your trip rocks!
Comment by Coco | 03.10.2008 | 1:48 am
I thought this was about plus size people issues. We BBW BHM are very proud of our size. I have known many plus sized people at the dating site ***http://LargeSingle.com***, where you can find many Sexy, Curvy, Classy Women, open minded plus couples, hot big guys, also nice fat admirers, even some celebs.
Comment by Mike Roadie | 03.10.2008 | 3:00 am
Congrats, Elden!!!!!
I hear that the winner gets free transportation to Disney…..oh, wait, you’re already there!!!
I hate to tell you this, but you ARE going to win that Bloggie!!!
Enjoy the week…..don’t spend too much……..
Comment by Ant | 03.10.2008 | 3:22 am
Mickey’s cheering for you mate.
Just don’t go all Homer & Bart on us at Itchy & Scratchy World. Although a Fat Cyclist post from Disneyland Jail would be entertaining if nothing else…
Have a great break. Less posts and more hot dog eating this week!
Comment by Pammap | 03.10.2008 | 3:49 am
You kill me! That’s funny stuff. You’re tops in my book :)
Comment by Al Maviva | 03.10.2008 | 4:15 am
And in other news, ASO announced that it was assuming sponsorship and sanctioning duties for the Fat Cyclist blog. “It ees time we clean zees steenking mess zat hass been allowed to fester for too long,” said Monsieur F. le Frogue, head of ASO. “Zee articles, zay are too fatuous, zee commenters probably all on zee dope, an’ zee wife of zee writer ees an admitted user of zee EPO.”
It was not immediately clear why the ASO had assumed operation of a blog or sanctioning of its comments. In an admittedly rambling Powerpoint presentation complete with music by Enigma, a smoke machine and Gauloises cigarettes, Le Frogue laid out an intricate conspiracy theory to justify this unprecedented action. He convincingly tied the blog to Operacion Puerto, a Jan Ulrich car crash, and the disappearance of Turtle, Pecan and Peach pies throughout the rockies, as well as a shadowy figure known only as “Herr Doktor Professor Schnittlefrittern Knackerknockern von Laemmler.” Le Frogue also tied this conspiracy to Schick Razors (“Recommended as a beard trimmer by 3 out of 4 doping female cyclists, and Tammy Thomas”) and The Great American Trek/Fischer/ Lemond/Bontrager/ Your Former Boutique Bike Company Name Here Bikes Company (Motto “Resistance is Futile/Let Levi Ride, He’s Never Been Caught.”)
When contacted for comment, Elden Nelson, former proprieter of the Fat Cyclist blog, released a prepared commment. “Honestly, I had nothing to do with the alleged improprieties. I was on my knees in the neighbors’ kitchen, eating the last of the meatloaf out of a plate on the bottom shelf of the fridge with no hands, ‘Kobayashi Style.’ And some Kraft American Cheese. And some Spam. Okay, and maybe some cake too, some sweet pickle relish that didn’t look so hot, some mayonnaise that had gone brown and what was left of a can of Alpo Chunky. But I had nothing to do with it. Wasn’t me. Mparumph mrumph mrumph. You got any Cheetos? I’d *kill* for Cheetos. Of course I’m telling the truth. Would you look at my pants ferchrissakes?”
Comment by Born 4Lycra 43 11 N 2 32 W | 03.10.2008 | 4:16 am
Where’s the Pics? Oh and nice acceptance speech.
Comment by Paul | 03.10.2008 | 4:19 am
Classic, this is great stuff, everyone arround me is wondering why I’m laughing and grinning.
Comment by Don (http://cyclingphun.blogspot.com) | 03.10.2008 | 5:32 am
Classic as always. Hope you and the family have a great time at the D-land.
Comment by Marrock | 03.10.2008 | 5:58 am
Did we just get spammed here…?
Comment by Lowrydr | 03.10.2008 | 6:16 am
Geeezzz Fatty, you really need to stay away from all that Cotton Candy. No one really knows what’s in it anyway. Funny as usual and good luck in the Bloogie fight.
Comment by Big Mike In Oz | 03.10.2008 | 6:48 am
Oh Coco, where have you been all my life?
Really!
Good. Go back there!
Comment by Bitter (formerly known as Lissee) | 03.10.2008 | 6:56 am
Congrats on the holding the title (for at least a day) and nice one Al! lol
Comment by chtrich | 03.10.2008 | 6:58 am
Great speech…..hopefully you’ll have an actual use for it soon.
Comment by daddystyle | 03.10.2008 | 7:11 am
Your #1 in my book.
Hope you have a fun day win or loose
Comment by KanyonKris | 03.10.2008 | 7:52 am
Are you trying to jinx yourself, or reverse-jinx yourself? Either way, I hope you win.
Comment by bikemike | 03.10.2008 | 8:23 am
did hear pecan pie in here somewhere?
uuummmmm, pie.
Comment by Dan K | 03.10.2008 | 10:41 am
Congrats Fatty!!! Way to go. They never had a chance. Except Jill, she had a chance. Still, congrats!
Comment by axel | 03.10.2008 | 10:42 am
fatty really won! check the site 2008.bloggies.com
congrats!
it sure makes me feel better that I waste my time on a prestigious award winning site and not some lame old blog.
Comment by AJ | 03.10.2008 | 10:45 am
Many congrats sir… well deserved!
Comment by TIMK | 03.10.2008 | 10:45 am
Way to go, fatty! I bet it was a last minute decision based on your whining – um graceful acceptance speech.
Comment by rich | 03.10.2008 | 10:50 am
Nice work Fatty – well deserved!
Comment by Emily | 03.10.2008 | 11:05 am
Congrats on both wins, the actual Bloggie and the imaginary one. You deserve them both.
Congrats also on the self-appointed retroactive TdF wins. They couldn’t have happened to a better cyclist.
Comment by Lifesgreat | 03.10.2008 | 11:05 am
Yay Fatty! You really won! Congratulations!
From the site:
Sports Weblog
Winner
Fat Cyclist
Nominees
The Big Lead
Deadspin
Kickette
Up in Alaska
Comment by Clydesteve | 03.10.2008 | 11:05 am
well put Fatty. There is nothing like a good acceptance speech to cheer me up.
Comment by chtrich | 03.10.2008 | 11:06 am
Wo-Hoo…..Finally you’re a winner!!
Comment by KeepYerBag | 03.10.2008 | 11:22 am
When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires
Will come to you….
You won and you’re at Disneyland to boot. How could it get any better than this.
Congratulations, Elden.
Comment by Minneapollama | 03.10.2008 | 11:23 am
I would like to see photos of you and your shoe proudly aloft with the Mouse. Congrats Fatty!!!
Comment by Uphill Battle | 03.10.2008 | 11:24 am
Well done, Fatty!
Hip Hip Huzzah!
Well, Elden, er..um Fatty, now that you have won the 2008 Best Sports Blog, what are you going to do?
I’m gonna go to Disneyland. Hey, wait! I already AM AT Disneyland!
Kudos to our favorite Fatty!
Comment by Steven Nordstrom | 03.10.2008 | 11:27 am
Congrats for real, Elden!
I just looked at the winners. You totally deserved it. Now, you need to go and find Heather Armstrong (dooce.com) and come up with a killer blog together and achieve world blogging domination for Utah! Think about it.
Comment by TomE | 03.10.2008 | 11:33 am
How does Fatty win and not be invited to the awards ceremony?!?!? Congrats Fatty!!!!
Comment by TrialsDude | 03.10.2008 | 11:35 am
Congrats on the award Fatty! Way to go!
Comment by El Animal | 03.10.2008 | 11:36 am
Congrats! You won!, wait a minute, Fatty, did you hacked the bloggies website? I know you and your son are good with computers, tell the truth!
Comment by UpNorth | 03.10.2008 | 11:38 am
Congrats on the win. I’d like video of the happy dance if possible…
Comment by Boz | 03.10.2008 | 11:44 am
Wait a second. You went to Disneyland, then wrote an acceptance speach, and lastly won. Hmmmm…
Comment by mark | 03.10.2008 | 12:10 pm
Congrats, Al Maviva. As funny as the actual post was, it was upstaged by a comment.
Comment by jill | 03.10.2008 | 12:15 pm
I went through and read your post and checked the bloggies site and you really did win! Congratulations! That is awesome. I can’t believe you beat out Deadspin, and win another cycling blog to steal away Fat Cyclist votes to boot ;-)
I also wanted to say thank you for all of your support for my blog and my endeavours. I truly consider you a friend although I have yet to meet you. I’m sure many of your faithful readers and voters would say the same thing.
Comment by GenghisKhan | 03.10.2008 | 12:19 pm
Another congrats!
Comment by KanyonKris | 03.10.2008 | 12:19 pm
Kudos on the Bloggie!
Now we won’t have to endure more vote begging from Fatty next year! ;-)
Comment by Bryan (not that one) | 03.10.2008 | 12:34 pm
Congratulations, Fatty!!! :-)
Comment by je | 03.10.2008 | 12:38 pm
jill was robbed. ROBBED!!!
congrats.
next time you get the urge, i’ll treat you to chipotle. Just say when and where.
But I may end up with a little kid eating at the table with us.
Comment by Gillian | 03.10.2008 | 12:39 pm
Wooo hoooo!! Congratulations, Fat Cyclist. Take a spin on Space Mountain for all of us loyal fans who voted for you.
Comment by Mocougfan | 03.10.2008 | 12:47 pm
Good job Fatty. Very, Very happy. Obviously you deserve it.
PS…We gotta have a picture with you and the shoe.
Comment by Born 4Lycra 43 11 N 2 32 W | 03.10.2008 | 12:49 pm
Congratulations to ME I’m totally awesome I’m a fan of a bloggie award winner. What can I say it’s been a great year in blogland and I thoroughly deserve this recognition. My exceptional ability at picking out a winner and sticking with it just completes me. I’d like to thank the little people and of course BigAl, Botched, RickS, Kenny et al who make this Blog worth my attention. Obviously without them I would not be here today celebrating my win. I just did not know I was that good in picking blogs. I thank you all.
It’s all about Plan B – way to go Team FC.
Comment by Accident Prone | 03.10.2008 | 1:01 pm
Well done Fatty!
As always, very funny Al Maviva.
Way to go Team Fatty!
Comment by Tina C | 03.10.2008 | 1:12 pm
You Rock! Congrats on the award!!
Comment by timlees.blogspot.com | 03.10.2008 | 1:23 pm
congrats fatmeister! great win. And a big thanks for all the entertainment!
Comment by Wheels | 03.10.2008 | 1:27 pm
Evidently you say the word, and the people listen. Big wins for you, Pioneer Woman, and even lonely Harlan! Congratulations. Where do you want to take your faithful lemmings next?
Comment by Bluenoser | 03.10.2008 | 1:27 pm
There you go fatty. It’s your’s. Good job.
-B
Comment by rexinsea | 03.10.2008 | 1:44 pm
Congrats Fatty – now stop reading your own BLOG and go enjoy Disneyland with your family!
Comment by MonsieurM | 03.10.2008 | 1:48 pm
Woohoo, you won! Great win!
Comment by Big Mike In Oz | 03.10.2008 | 1:50 pm
LEGEND STATUS!!
All that’s necessary is for John Wayne to sign the paperwork and you’re officially in the club.
Comment by leroy | 03.10.2008 | 1:54 pm
Wow, congratulations!
But aren’t you supposed to say “I’m going to Disney Land” instead of actually being there?
Comment by DNAtsol | 03.10.2008 | 2:00 pm
congrats FC! although…. I am a little suspicious of the win. Really. you won over a basketball blog and other “mainstream” sports blogs?! Me thinks kick backs were involved. Do bloggie winners need to publicly disclose their finances? Something is composting in the heart of Utah :) .
Seriously, congrats. Been a fan for just a short while but your unapologetic love for cycling is infectious and I’ve become rather fond of you (in a socially appropriate way of course :) ). All the best
Comment by Gadrock | 03.10.2008 | 2:10 pm
epic win
Comment by Tripp | 03.10.2008 | 2:29 pm
Fatty:
Congratulations! I’ve been enjoying your blog for years. A very well deserved award.
Comment by solidjack | 03.10.2008 | 2:44 pm
Congrats…and soveryalone guy won…ha…awesome…
Comment by Jennifer | 03.10.2008 | 2:52 pm
You won! You won! Woo-hoo. I’ve only been reading for a month or so but am now a huge fan and loyalist. And I’m passing on the site to everyone else I run into.
Congrats and enjoy Disney. What will you do with the prize money???
Comment by TIMK | 03.10.2008 | 3:02 pm
I have this vision of you spinning around on the Teacups singing, “I’ve paid my dues, time after time. I’ve done my sentence, but committed no crime. And bad mistakes, I’ve made a few . . .”
Comment by British Fish 'n' Chipper | 03.10.2008 | 3:37 pm
Awesome! Well done Fatty. You totally deserve every accolade they give you. Let’s hope its the first of many!
Comment by cyclingphun.blogspot.com | 03.10.2008 | 3:50 pm
Big fat congratulations to ya Fatty! Hope you enjoy Disney with the family! Look forward to reading more from you soon.
Comment by Fan of Susan | 03.10.2008 | 4:01 pm
Fatty – Many congratulations! Will there be a Twin-Six commemorative t-shirt? :-)
Hope you are the family are making some wonderful memories.
Comment by Dobovedo | 03.10.2008 | 4:26 pm
Vive le Fatty!
Comment by hana | 03.10.2008 | 4:41 pm
I wonder if Space Mountain or the Matterhorn is blocking Fatty’s iPhone reception?
LOL and it looks like his competition from last year, PW, won two awards…
Comment by Debamundo | 03.10.2008 | 4:42 pm
Hooray! I’m so glad you won for real. Congrats.
Comment by Yukirin Boy | 03.10.2008 | 5:02 pm
Congratulations Fatty !
fully deserved. O – award-winning blogger!
Comment by bradk | 03.10.2008 | 5:03 pm
I was afraid this would happen. We’ll never hear the end of it.
Comment by rokrider | 03.10.2008 | 5:21 pm
Oh GREAT!! Now that this is an award winning blog, I’ll have to hire someone to read and summarize all the comments. There just won’t be enough time to do it all myself. Either that, or it will become some high-brow, exclusive, members only club. With exorbitantly high dues. And maybe even secret passwords and handshakes.
Comment by Big Mike In Oz | 03.10.2008 | 5:38 pm
rokrider
There’s no password. There is, however, DNA verification at the door and there’s been a secret handshake for years. Did you miss the meeting?
Big Mike
Comment by kentucky joe | 03.10.2008 | 6:40 pm
The obligatory link to the coveted shoe award, and who new, it doubles as a phone too! http://therawfeed.com/pix/get_smart_shoe_phone.jpg
Comment by mtbmike | 03.10.2008 | 7:26 pm
Congrats!!! I’ve been a fan since you started sharing your epic rides stories. You truly deserve it.
mj
Comment by Co | 03.10.2008 | 7:28 pm
Fatty!!! You really *did* win!!!! YEEHAAA!!! Maybe you’ll win the rest of the awards you said you won, eh? !!!
P.S. I sure hope no-one confuses Co (2 letters) with Coco (4 letters) – the four-letter variety ain’t me.
Comment by Alex in ZA | 03.10.2008 | 9:57 pm
Woohoo! Go Fatty! Congrats on the win.
*Does happy dance around the offie. Ignores colleagues who are looking at me strangely*
Comment by Alex in ZA | 03.10.2008 | 9:58 pm
Ahem, that would be “Office”
Comment by john | 03.10.2008 | 10:19 pm
Well done Fatty, but don’t let it go to your head. “I Can Has Cheezburger?” won “best photography” and “best topical”! GMAB!
Comment by Kalgrm | 03.10.2008 | 10:52 pm
WooHooooo!
We have a winner!
Well done Fatty.
Graeme
Comment by Jeremy | 03.10.2008 | 11:13 pm
Congrats. Looks like you did win.
Comment by Primal | 03.10.2008 | 11:27 pm
Congrats to the Fatty and commiseration to… let’s just call them the “others who shall not be mentions†due to potential cross blogging traffic that might come if mention.
As for Fatty and his acceptance speech in a hotel room with… and I quote… “eyes rolling wildly, his fingers pointing accusingly at a nonexistent audience†(while clearly low on sugar or a lack of some form of natural medication required). It’s at these times Fatty… when one is stressed, that the true writer comes out. Well done and keep up the “Blogging Good Workâ€.
That’s why these comments are here in the first place and we keep coming back. “Fatty for Presidentâ€
Comment by Little1 | 03.11.2008 | 1:05 am
we have a winna wenna!
Comment by Jake | 03.11.2008 | 1:19 am
Well done dude!
Comment by William | 03.11.2008 | 1:31 am
Congratulations Fatty now get on with enjoying your vacation with the family
William
Comment by Mike Roadie | 03.11.2008 | 2:46 am
YEA!!!!!!!!
And it’s the Year of a Million Dreams……….
Comment by Joe R. | 03.11.2008 | 5:03 am
Dude, you won!!!
Comment by Caloi-Rider | 03.11.2008 | 5:16 am
I just came from the bloggies page. Congrats, Fatty!
We always knew you had it in you.
Comment by Bob | 03.11.2008 | 5:29 am
Congrats!!!
Comment by FlatsMan | 03.11.2008 | 5:51 am
Congrats, who’d you bribe ?
Seriously though. a well deserved award.
You actually provide funny stuff and write in proper english, so who’d you bribe ?
F(L)atsMan 64deg this AM.
Comment by judi | 03.11.2008 | 6:07 am
Congrats Fatty! I hope you and your family are having a great vacation.
Comment by Philly Jen | 03.11.2008 | 6:28 am
Huzzah for the Cyclist of Size!
We like you, we really, really like you. Um, but only because Susan likes you.
Besides, you’re always a winner to us. (Awwwww…..)
Comment by Jeffy | 03.11.2008 | 6:37 am
I want a video of the victory dance! A most deserved award to a most deserving man and family…Jeffy
Comment by ibisss | 03.11.2008 | 6:40 am
Now that you’ve won sports, perhaps it is time to expand your empire for 2009–how about cooking? I wonder what ‘lgbt’ is about? Sounds interesting–you could try for that next year…
Comment by DougG | 03.11.2008 | 7:21 am
Congrats Fatty. Your blog is always good for a laugh. Especially today, I’m banged up from a car accident and have a killer cold to boot but reading your blog sure brightens my day.
Comment by KT | 03.11.2008 | 8:06 am
Great job, man! You actually won!
Of course, you better hope they don’t take this first place away, too.
Don’t worry, you’ve got Fatty’s Army to track down and, shall we say, “take care of them”.
I’m thinking something with a medium wicker basket, two white mice, a package of oreos, and the danish version of Beowulf.
Mwuhahahahahahahahahaha!
Ps. Seriously, congrats! And hope y’all are having fun with The Mouse and Co!
Comment by Mikey E | 03.11.2008 | 8:42 am
GET IN THERE MY SON!!!!
Fair ply fatty! Utterly well deserved!
Comment by Denise | 03.12.2008 | 10:12 am
I was just about composed again after all the laughter that was prompted by this post but then I got to Al’s comment. This is by far, my favorite stop of the day…unfortunately I don’t always get here on a daily basis. Congratulations Fatty! You definitely deserve the honor! Wow! I don’t think I have ever read anything award winning before it won said awards.