I believe I have mentioned, once or twice, my most amazing superpower: the ability to eat, right after — or during — a ride. BotchedExperiment has in fact remarked upon this ability after I finished the Kokopelli Trail Race last year. While other people sat down and took timid sips of water, their digestive systems totally messed up, I plopped down in a lawnchair and asked — demanded — to be fed.
Sadly, this superpower does not manifest itself only after epic rides. This superpower is always present, always asserting itself. I love to eat. And eat and eat and eat.
And that is why I am fully giddy at the prospect of the Inaugural Utah Tour de Donut, this July 12.
Here’s how it works.
- You do three 7-mile road laps.
- In between laps one and two, and between laps two and three, you eat as many doughnuts as you want. For each doughnut you eat, you get to subtract three minutes off your time.
Note: Puking DQ’s you.
At the end of the race, multiply the number of doughnuts you ate times three minutes and subtract that from your total time.
To me, it seems totally possible for me to finish this race with a negative time. Sure, I realize that’s a lot of doughnuts (~23 – 28), but as I said, this is my superpower.
I am already thinking over my race strategy.
- Equipment: For the first time in my life, I am seeing how a recumbent could be a really excellent ride choice, because I would be lying down while I ride. Considering the number of doughnuts I plan to eat, the hunched-over position required of a road bike seems suboptimal. We’re talking the difference between 20 doughnuts with a regular road bike versus 30 doughnuts with a recumbent. So: is there anyone willing to loan me a bent for a couple weeks? I promise to wash any sticky glaze, cream filling, and vomit off it afterward.
- Doughnut Quantity: This will have to be a game-time decision, based on the kind of doughnuts they have at the venue. If they’re Krispy Kreme plain glazed doughnuts, I’m good for 30, no sweat. Those are nothing but air. However, if they bring cake-style doughnuts or krullers or jam-filled, though, my doughnut consumption is going to go way down. Fortunately for me, my decision making skills with regards to doughnut consumption are perfect for this event. To wit: I generally don’t ever know when to quit.
- Day-Before Prep: The temptation for this kind of race would be to not eat the night before the race. As a lifelong glutton, however, I know this is a mistake. Countless times in my life, I have observed that after I have eaten heavily in the evening, I wake up hungry the next morning, my capacity greatly increased. I’m thinking the Carne Asada Burrito Grande at Mi Ranchito.
During the Race Itself
The key to this race is to never get above my aerobic threshold. That’s when your stomach seizes up. I’ll just stay in my ride-and-eat-all-day zone.
I will also use psychological tricks on my opponents, by visibly eating a Clif bar as I ride, for supplemental nourishment.
I will not drink any water at all when I am riding, since I will drink plenty of water between laps as I wash down doughnut after doughnut.
I am so going to clean up at the Utah Tour de Donut. Really, the only question is how badly I will beat everyone else.
PS: Congo, Caloi Rider, Jim Pettit, and Weann: Brad has declared you the winners of the CarboRocket Limerick Contest. Congratulations! Email me your shipping address and I’ll have Brad send you your prizes.