Oh, I Am So TOTALLY Going to Win This Race

04.6.2008 | 5:12 pm

I believe I have mentioned, once or twice, my most amazing superpower: the ability to eat, right after — or during — a ride. BotchedExperiment has in fact remarked upon this ability after I finished the Kokopelli Trail Race last year. While other people sat down and took timid sips of water, their digestive systems totally messed up, I plopped down in a lawnchair and asked — demanded — to be fed.

Sadly, this superpower does not manifest itself only after epic rides. This superpower is always present, always asserting itself. I love to eat. And eat and eat and eat.

And eat.

And that is why I am fully giddy at the prospect of the Inaugural Utah Tour de Donut, this July 12.

tourdedonutThe Idea
I love the idea of the Tour de Donut, because it is so incredibly biased. And for what I believe is the case for exactly the first time in my life, that bias is toward me.

Here’s how it works.

  1. You do three 7-mile road laps.
  2. In between laps one and two, and between laps two and three, you eat as many doughnuts as you  want. For each doughnut you eat, you get to subtract three minutes off your time.
    Note: Puking DQ’s you.

At the end of the race, multiply the number of doughnuts you ate times three minutes and subtract that from your total time.

To me, it seems totally possible for me to finish this race with a negative time. Sure, I realize that’s a lot of doughnuts (~23 – 28), but as I said, this is my superpower.

I am already thinking over my race strategy.

  • Equipment: For the first time in my life, I am seeing how a recumbent could be a really excellent ride choice, because I would be lying down while I ride. Considering the number of doughnuts I plan to eat, the hunched-over position required of a road bike seems suboptimal. We’re talking the difference between 20 doughnuts with a regular road bike versus 30 doughnuts with a recumbent. So: is there anyone willing to loan me a bent for a couple weeks? I promise to wash any sticky glaze, cream filling, and vomit off it afterward.
  • Doughnut Quantity: This will have to be a game-time decision, based on the kind of doughnuts they have at the venue. If they’re Krispy Kreme plain glazed doughnuts, I’m good for 30, no sweat. Those are nothing but air. However, if they bring cake-style doughnuts or krullers or jam-filled, though, my doughnut consumption is going to go way down. Fortunately for me, my decision making skills with regards to doughnut consumption are perfect for this event. To wit: I generally don’t ever know when to quit.
  • Day-Before Prep: The temptation for this kind of race would be to not eat the night before the race. As a lifelong glutton, however, I know this is a mistake. Countless times in my life, I have observed that after I have eaten heavily in the evening, I wake up hungry the next morning, my capacity greatly increased. I’m thinking the Carne Asada Burrito Grande at Mi Ranchito.

During the Race Itself
The key to this race is to never get above my aerobic threshold. That’s when your stomach seizes up. I’ll just stay in my ride-and-eat-all-day zone.

I will also use psychological tricks on my opponents, by visibly eating a Clif bar as I ride, for supplemental nourishment.

I will not drink any water at all when I am riding, since I will drink plenty of water between laps as I wash down doughnut after doughnut.

I am so going to clean up at the Utah Tour de Donut. Really, the only question is how badly I will beat everyone else.

PS: Congo, Caloi Rider, Jim Pettit, and Weann: Brad has declared you the winners of the CarboRocket Limerick Contest. Congratulations! Email me your shipping address and I’ll have Brad send you your prizes.


  1. Comment by bradk | 04.6.2008 | 5:34 pm

    July 12 is my birthday (#40) and I demand you do the Park City Perfect 10 hour mountain bike race with me. I’ll bring donuts.

  2. Comment by steve | 04.6.2008 | 6:31 pm

    Jim Morrison once said “I eat more chicken than any man ever seen” … me, I eat donuts. Silky, smooth covered in the opaque film of melted sugar, glazed donuts. 13 krispy kremes and a 20oz diet coke is the way to start the day.

    But you have to follow up with at least 6 more around 11am or the the crash at 2pm is HORRIBLE!

  3. Comment by MOM | 04.6.2008 | 6:31 pm

    this is just absurd enough that someone will actually sponsor a race like this. Where do you get such whacky ideas? Bad childhood?

  4. Comment by Ant | 04.6.2008 | 6:32 pm

    Surely this can’t be a race. Talk about dishing up a lolly, just waiting for Fatty to smack it home!

    I reckon if you work on a 1 donut / mile regime, you should come in at 0:00:00.

    There’s the challenge… precision donut eating racing.

  5. Comment by TIMK | 04.6.2008 | 6:46 pm

    I assume that you will have hot coffee in your Camelbak. Donuts simply do not work without coffee – anyone who says otherwise is an America-hating communist.

  6. Comment by Sean | 04.6.2008 | 7:02 pm

    I’m half tempted to make the drive from Seattle for this. I could totally clean up. Even as a slow fat guy I could easily post a negative time. Of course, if all they’ve got are powdered donuts I’d be completely f-d, you know how hard it is to eat a bunch of those one after the other?

  7. Comment by isela | 04.6.2008 | 7:09 pm

    This is amazing! I am even tempted…I can definitely glutton out on a few donuts. Wicked!

  8. Comment by cyclingphun.blogspot.com | 04.6.2008 | 7:22 pm

    Yeah, we have a Tour de Doughnut in Ohio as well. This years is September sixth, and the course is a thirty mile flat! I actually thought about trying it just for fun.

  9. Comment by andrew | 04.6.2008 | 7:53 pm

    this will totally be the highlight of my athletic career!! I can’t wait!!

    a lifetime of cycling + a lifetime of doughnut eating come together in a harmonic convergence of sweat & powdery glaze…

    Honestly I think that I can possibly go back in time as well, & finish “before” I start… I remember hearing from my brother that the fellow who won the version of this in Texas ate something like 30 doughnuts, and was able to ride 25+mph too…

    Fatty, I think maybe some local “training rides” might be in order…

    This gives a whole knew meaning to “interval workouts” where instead of measuring blood lactate levels, one would measure blood sugar levels!!

    is it any coincidence that a big chainring, and a doughnut are both round and have empty space in the center? I THINK NOT!!!

  10. Comment by Debamundo | 04.6.2008 | 8:01 pm

    Here’s a trick I heard about for this. Take a potato masher. You know, the kitchen gadget with a handle and a donut sized round flat piece on the bottom. Stack up several donuts and smash them flat with the masher. Then eat. You can get them down pretty quick that way.

  11. Comment by Rocky | 04.6.2008 | 8:36 pm

    I am thinking a donut necklace. You know, like those candy ones from back in the day, only with donuts so you can graze the entire race at your leisure. Once space opens up for another, you will have it right there with you on the ready.

    I’m thinking this might mess up all that Leadville training and whatnot, but hey, a win is a win, right? Good luck. I’ve seen you eat donuts. Who am I kidding? There is no luck here. It’s a talent!

  12. Comment by randomhigh | 04.6.2008 | 9:28 pm

    (stomach grumbling) man, it’s 1am and now I want a donut…

    Great news about Susan and your wrist! (it’s a little belated but I procrastinate… alot)

  13. Comment by Dobovedo | 04.6.2008 | 9:35 pm

    Rocky: depending on the rules of the particular ride, I’m pretty sure the donuts have to be eaten at the stops, not while riding.

    Andrew: “The zen philosopher Basha once wrote ‘a flute with no holes is not a flute, and a donut with no holes is a Danish’”… and a chainring with no holes, is a Powertap!

    Fatty: good strategy… as you have found, not eating the day before is counter productive. The last thing you want is your stomach to be shrinking. In fact, a steady donut diet the week before to expand the gut is probably the best training… and fun too!

    What happens with the rest of the season? Well…

  14. Comment by Big Mike In Oz | 04.6.2008 | 10:22 pm


    This is another thing I’d love to do when I visit the USA. I’m in peak physical condition for this particular event. To prove it I went down to the local supermarket to buy supplies and I got the best surprise ever. Chocolate iced donuts were on special… 6 for $0.99. I bought myself 8 packs.

    I then did 20 minutes on the rollers, snorted an even 20 donuts, another 20 minutes pedalling, 18 donuts, 20 minutes to finish.

    That’s a finishing time of negative 54 minutes. On the road it’s likely to be closer to negative 30 minutes but I’m confident that you’ll be able to go negative for sure.

    Big Mike

    P.S. I’d recommend keeping your cadence below 90rpm in the home stretch if you don’t want the last 4 or 5 donuts to end up all over your shoes. You’re welcome.

  15. Comment by Primal | 04.6.2008 | 11:30 pm

    Well this has shed some light on my tactic for an upcoming 24 hour race. Looking like I’ll be skipping the packed lunch/dinner/breakfast and rolling into the drive through of a not to be mentioned donut producer… Mmm the sweet taste of sugar!!!

  16. Comment by Weean | 04.7.2008 | 1:21 am

    I won! I won!

    I’d like to thank my publicist, my agent….

    As I’m over the pond I’m happy for my prize to be held over for the next contest- shipping a big drum o’ powder wouldn’t be cheap. Just as long as I get to hear Kenny singing my limerick.

    And I have GOT to find a UK-based tour de donut. That’s my type of event!

  17. Comment by Mike Roadie | 04.7.2008 | 2:30 am

    Would you dangle a donut off a pole in front of your bike for training? If you eat too many before the Big Day, will you get sick of them? Can you possibly work hard enough while riding to burn all those calories? Will you weigh yourself before and after the race?

  18. Comment by tim | 04.7.2008 | 5:07 am

    is it too obvious to call Matt Groening? This would make a fabulous Simpsons episode. Fatty Nelson up against his uber-eating nemesis Homer Simpson.
    Unfortunatly, my kids christened me Homer years ago. I can’t imagine why.

  19. Comment by Travis | 04.7.2008 | 5:23 am

    12th is also my Brothers Birthday… anyway, the Tour de Doughnut sounds to me, like you’ve found your beer mile (I like doing Beer Miles)

  20. Comment by Eric | 04.7.2008 | 5:35 am

    I would train at Cosco, seeing that they are one of the sponsors(too bad its not Krispy Kreme).

  21. Comment by Swedoz | 04.7.2008 | 6:16 am

    I thought April Fools Day was last week?

    How did the rumour of American’s not knowing how to take the piss out of each other ever start?

    Hmmmm Donuts. Not so good here in Sweden where the choice is limited to apple jam or cream filled, this in the country with the best berries in the world.

  22. Comment by cake eater | 04.7.2008 | 6:37 am


    getting fat since 1989

  23. Comment by UtRacerDad | 04.7.2008 | 6:38 am

    so I wonder if donut stuffing is allowed, I’m sure that I can stuff 5 or 6 donuts in my jersey and finish them while I’m doing the lap, that would give me an extra 10 to 12 donuts for the race.

    Now I don’t feel like I’ve wasted all that winter training when I ate everything in site and didn’t ride.

  24. Comment by cake eater | 04.7.2008 | 6:41 am


    You should watch this video. some really great race tactics here. the documentary is a good laugh

  25. Comment by Lori | 04.7.2008 | 6:41 am

    Ahhhh, donuts…And not just any old donuts – Krispy Kreme donuts, glazed! We used to have fund raisers in high school selling Krispy Kremes – you would not believe how many donuts a car-load of high school girls can scarf down on a Saturday morning!!! So much for the sales…

  26. Comment by chtrich | 04.7.2008 | 7:04 am

    If I hadn’t already registred for the Triple Bypass scheduled for that same day I would be all over this. And yes, Fatty, I would beat you!!
    Oh, Donuts.. MMMMMMMMM.
    Next year I’m in!

  27. Comment by Lifesgreat | 04.7.2008 | 7:43 am

    I have it on my calendar. I won’t win, but if the race were “Tour de Mi Ranchito beef tacos”, then I would crush all of you.

  28. Comment by bikemike | 04.7.2008 | 7:51 am

    Sweet Freakin’ Nirvana! (and i don’t mean that crapy grung group) this will blow the Tour Day France outta the water. you lucky, lucky dog.

  29. Comment by BotchedExperiment | 04.7.2008 | 8:16 am

    I’m writing the sponsor and suggesting that for safety reasons they have a seperate donut station for you. My hand is just now healing from KTR last year.

    Personally, I’m not going to do the race. I’d never risk getting a food aversion to donuts. Can you imagine a life where you were turned off by the idea of eating donuts?

  30. Comment by Hilton Meyer | 04.7.2008 | 9:16 am

    I never realized how deep the Fat Cyclist had penetrated our biking society. People are actually volunteering to ride and regurgitate? well you think you’ve seen everything but maybe one day this will be a tour where it will be a city to city race, high on the Alps. I wouldn’t drink anything though because the donuts will simply expand,taking up more room negating the recliner.

  31. Comment by KanyonKris | 04.7.2008 | 9:31 am

    Botched The Wise.

  32. Comment by Adam | 04.7.2008 | 11:07 am

    What kind of donuts?

    If they are crappy low quality garbage, then I might puke, or not eat to many. If they are high quality donuts, with just the right amount of glaze, well I might rival you Fatty, that is until I puked.

    This one sounds fun though. I think I will put it on the calendar, at least as something to spectate, if not actually race in.

  33. Comment by Red | 04.7.2008 | 11:10 am

    I sense a newfitness craze coming on. Eat as many donuts as you want, just never,ever, stop biking.

  34. Comment by Big 'Donut' Mike | 04.7.2008 | 11:22 am

    Man, finally something I actually stand a chance at winning. I’ve been training for this event for 42 years so I think I stand a pretty good shot of taking the title for 2008. Mind you, I’ve been training on Boston Cream and Bavarian Creme so eating those sissafied Glazed donuts will be childs play.
    Watch out kids!
    Keep your hands and fingers away from his mouth!

  35. Comment by Bitter (formerly known as Lissee) | 04.7.2008 | 11:36 am

    At first I thought this race was another of your elaborate hoaxes. Crazy!

    btw, WordPress is having trauma, took my 4 tries before it would let me post.

  36. Comment by VA Biker | 04.7.2008 | 11:52 am

    This post struck me as particularly funny. My only question is how badly the poor unfortunate soul in second place is going to feel physically, just TRYING to compete with Elden.

    I do have to agree with Botched Experiment’s assessment that to try and fail would leave you “donut desire destroyed”. (But would that really be a bad thing?)

  37. Comment by Al Maviva | 04.7.2008 | 12:05 pm

    Drive up from Seattle? Hell, I’d drive up from Chile to watch Elden spew donuts on a bike ride.

    You people are really frickin’ lame though. If you really want to hammer this donut ride, the way to do it is to liquify the donuts. Bring a battery powered blender, a bit of milk and/or coffee to lube things up, and grind the suckers up, making your own new sports drink. In Chris Matthews’ terms, which he usually reserves for his politician of choice, I’m getting a shiver up my leg just thinking about what a half dozen krullers, a peanut donut, and a couple lemon creme donuts blended into a smoothy with a pint of ice cold milk would taste like going down. Ooooooh, so tasty. Especially if they are really greasy, high-fat donuts… You could really go nuts and throw in a couple shots of Amaretto, or maybe just some vodka, Dude Lebowski / White Russian style. I’m sure the Dude would abide by this drink…

    Man, you could probably blow through two, three pants sizes in a day doing something like this.

  38. Comment by Bob | 04.7.2008 | 12:38 pm

    I would do this race if it weren’t for the vomit=DQ rule. When I’m eating dozens of donuts during a bike ride, I like to throw up regularly and rigorously. I have the whole system worked out.

    I temporarily converted my beer helmet into a donut helmet, so what I have is basically two donut dispensers on either either side of my helmet. (I just need to remember to alternate sides to prevent my head from lolling.) After every fifth donut in a mountain bike ride or every seventh donut on a road ride, I hurl. The key is to eat the next donut soon after vomiting. If you wait too long, you’re sending the wrong message to your body.

    To compete in the Tour de Donut, I would have to change my strategy. Not only would I not be able to vomit, but I would also need to eat all my donuts in bunches during the two intervals. That just doesn’t seem healthy.

  39. Comment by blinddrew | 04.7.2008 | 12:40 pm

    Dman damn damn, finally a race i could compete on and whip all my my skinny friends and it’s on the other side of the world. Maybe Melton Mowbray could do a pork pie race?

  40. Comment by UpNorth | 04.7.2008 | 12:45 pm

    They used to have a similar running race here. I think it was hill repeats though, and every time you got to the top of the hill – you had to eat. I don’t think you got time off, but eating was a condition of finishing the race.

  41. Comment by bikemike | 04.7.2008 | 1:14 pm

    more motivation for you, take pledges from people for each donut you eat. that right there will fully fund cancer research.
    God, i’m so jealous. i haven’t had a Krispy Kreme in over a year, i may have to do my own ride here and try to reach your total. oh, don’t think i can’t do it either.

  42. Comment by Cervelo Gal (Formely Bent022) | 04.7.2008 | 2:37 pm

    I would be honored to donate my bent for use by an award winning blogger in such an outstanding race. This might be worth the long drive up to Utah to deliver my bent just to watch this race in person.
    I would love to hear Phil and Paul commentate this race.

  43. Comment by Jodi | 04.7.2008 | 6:32 pm

    I am both proud and horrified.

    Totally grody to the max, yet you are so boss. I, too share this superpower, but I use mine for good, not evil.

    And that is all.

  44. Comment by Born4Lycra | 04.7.2008 | 7:10 pm

    FC I don’t think you will even make it to lap 2. If I get this right you ride 7 miles stop and start eating donuts. Where does it say you have to stop eating donuts get back on the bike and ride 7 miles and then you can start eating donuts again. Methinks you’ll just keep eating donuts.

  45. Comment by Donald | 04.8.2008 | 4:53 am

    And if they are Krispy Kreme Donuts you can really put them down. As you said they are full of air… so the strategy is to squish each one flat and they go down fast. We have a Krispy Kreme donut run here in North Carolina(home of Krispy Kreme). It’s a four mile run. You run two miles (downhill) from the NC State Bell Tower to the Krispy Kreme in downtown Raleigh. Each runner then has to eat a dozen donuts and run the two miles back (uphill) to the bell tower. Puking is allowed.
    Maybe you should come down for this next year!

  46. Comment by The D | 04.8.2008 | 6:57 am

    I feel nauseous just reading about this. Almost as nauseous as when I read about the guy who accidentally dipped his bib straps in the goo at the bottom of a Port-o-Let. Come to think of it, I suspect both of these horrors will be converging in Utah.

  47. Comment by Clydesteve | 04.8.2008 | 8:01 am

    Dear Susan, wife of Fatty,

    I think Elden needs a pit crew for this one….to operate the video camera at both stops, and then post to YouTube.

    Elden, There will be others gunning for negative time in this race. You will need to set a tough goal, to be competetive. I suggest shooting for -30 minutes.

  48. Comment by The Boston Creamer | 04.8.2008 | 9:08 am

    Somehow, after reading more of these posts, the image of Mr. Creosote from Monty Pyton’s Meaning of Life appears in my head.
    Maitre d’: “Good evening sir and how are we today?”
    Mr. Creosote: “Better.”
    Maitre d’: “Better?”
    Mr. Creosote: “Better get a bucket. I’m gonna throw up.”


  49. Comment by James | 04.8.2008 | 9:33 am

    For proper training you need to get a DVD that was filmed about the St. Louis version of Tour de Donut.

    St. Louis Registration:

    DVD watch a preview or purchase:

  50. Comment by Logan | 04.8.2008 | 10:33 am

    How many bonus minutes do you get for a heart-attack?

  51. Comment by TigerMouth61 | 04.10.2008 | 2:40 pm

    I’m a couple days late commenting, but I thought you should know about the MassBike Bike Festival + Pie Race. After the race, you get to eat Ribs and BBQ from Redbones.

    from http://www.massbike.org/news/bikefestival_2007.htm

    The Pie Race! presented by NEBC (6.5 miles)
    A short race against the clock with a unique twist: three “pie stops” (two along the way and one at the finish) where you will dismount your bike and eat a slice of pie! A test of not just your legs but your stomach, with excellent prizes to reward you for your daring. Please note the Pie Race is limited to the first 60 registrants, so sign up now! Click here for a press release from our first-ever Pie Race in 2005.

  52. Comment by bashzilla | 04.10.2008 | 6:47 pm

    A couple days late… A similar running event is held out here… the Krispy Kreme challenge. Run two miles, eat one dozen Krispy Kreme donuts, run two miles. Puking = DQ. They had 3000+ runners this year. http://blogs.newsobserver.com/joemiller/index.php?title=krispy_kreme_challenge&more=1&c=1&tb=1&pb=1

  53. Comment by Brian | 04.29.2008 | 7:08 am

    Fun Idea!

    Now only if you could eat while you road…

  54. Pingback by Murky.org » Blog Archive » Cranked and Yehuda Moon | 05.11.2008 | 7:46 am

    [...] was through the Fat Cyclist site that I learned of the Utah Tour de Donut – it’s probably for the best that this isn’t a [...]


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