Dear Trek Bicycle Corporation and Mr. Greg Lemond,
You don’t need me to tell you that this is a difficult time in your lives. After being married for so long, separating is unbelievably difficult for all parties involved. You’re both feeling hurt, perhaps even betrayed. It’s natural that you would want to strike out at each other.
With this in mind, I would like to commend the two of you for coming to me for mediation, rather than settling this in divorce court. By doing this, you’re showing you’re willing to behave like adults and move on with your respective lives.
Having taken a look at what matters to each of you, I would like to propose the following as a first step in the negotiation process. If everyone is up front about what really matters to them, and is willing to make reasonable compromises, this negotiation can be equitable and relatively painless.
What Trek Gets
- Lance Armstrong’s Peace of Mind: First and foremost, Trek receives a guarantee that Mr. Lemond will never ever ever ever use any combination of the words "Lance," "Armstrong," or "dope" (or any of their synonyms) within three minutes of each other. Not in public. Not in private. Not by doing charades or meaningfully-raised eyebrows. From now on, in fact, Mr. Lemond promises to pretend he has simply never heard of Lance Armstrong, and will act pleasantly surprised to hear that another American has also won the Tour de France. If Mr. Lemond crosses this line even once, Trek may — at its own expense — use whatever combination of shock therapy, hypnotherapy and surgery it deems necessary to literally remove any recollection of Armstrong from Mr. Lemonds memory.