How To Suck In Your Gut

06.2.2008 | 2:11 pm

Here at Fat Cyclist, Inc., we seek to do far more than simply entertain. Far more. We also want to educate you, offering practical tips and advice regarding all aspects of the cycling experience.

Today, we will help you learn the art of hiding your gut while being photographed in a skin-tight cycling jersey.

Basic Techniques
Not long ago, we posted the following photo as a simple illustration of a group of friends about to participate in a fight to the death friendly race.


What we did not point out, however, was that this photo also demonstrates many simple techniques you can use to hide your gut. Starting at the left, let’s review.

  • Dug is using two techniques to hide his burgeoning middle-age paunch. First, he is wearing outlandish clothing — plaid shorts and knee-high black socks — to distract you from his stomach. More importantly, he is turning his body in such a way that his right hand — evidently just casually gripping his handlebar — partially obscures his stomach. This is called the “Handlebar Obfuscation Gambit,” or “HOG” for short. Nice work, Dug.
  • Adam is showing considerable ingenuity by using three separate gut-hiding tricks. First, he is performing the simplest of all possible gut-hiding techniques: “Back Of Photo,” or “BOF.” Next, Adam is succesfully executing the HOG, but has furthermore paid Dug $9.82 (an amount negotiated by both parties) to obscure his midsection with Dug’s left arm. This is called the “Proxy Handlebar Obfuscation Gambit,” or “PHOG.” Well played, Adam!
  • Fatty is brazenly sucking in his gut, a fixed grin hiding the fact that he is seconds from passing out. You’re not fooling anybody, Fatty.
  • Sam is using the BOF to such a great degree that it is impossible to tell how much he weighs. This is for the best, because Sam weighs 809 pounds.
  • Brad and Rick Sunderlage (not his real name) are using the rather tedious ploy of not being fat for the photo. Turds.

Expert Techniques
Once you have mastered these simple being-photographed techniques, you’re ready for these advanced tips on how to be photographed, as demonstrated in the below photo:


  • Always face front. If you turn sideways, you expose and emphasize your personal topography. And trust me: you do not want your topography exposed.
  • Always wear bib shorts. Bib shorts help ameliorate the otherwise unfortunate transition from your waist to your upper body. A good pair of bib shorts can disguise an otherwise massive muffin top. And yes, Dug is wearing bib shorts under those plaid shorts. Dug’s no fool. Though he can play that role.
  • Wear an appropriate jersey. I recommend the Fat Cyclist jersey, which, due to its dark sides, is very slimming. It is only when you look very carefully at Fatty here that you recognize he is much wider than the pink section of his jersey shown here.
  • Be photographed in the dark. When you’re photographed in the dark, you can be confident that there is only one light source: the camera flash. You are therefore much less likely to be ambushed by shadows from unfriendly light sources (e.g., the sun), which generally have the effect of emphasizing your man-boobs and / or other unsightly bulges.

Things to Avoid
As with any acquired skill, being well-photographed in a bike jersey is as much about knowing what not to do as knowing what you should do. Don’t forget these “Don’ts,” or suffer the consequences.

  • Don’t puff out your chest. When you suck in your gut, it needs to go somewhere, but a puffed-out chest is a sure sign of where you’ve temporarily relocated your stomach. This poor sap in the orange is doing it all wrong. His stomach is (somewhat) in, but his chest is stuck too far out. He should have rolled his shoulders forward, creating the illusion of a flat stomach and chest — the cyclist’s ideal.


  • Never exhale until the photographer has put away the camera. After the flash has gone off and / or you’ve heard the shutter noise, you may be tempted to relax. Don’t do it. The photographer may seize upon the opportunity to take a candid photo. Remember: the only safe camera is a stowed camera.
  • Do not allow yourself to be photographed while breathing hard. It’s difficult enough to keep your stomach in place when you’re relaxed. When your lungs are working at capacity, it’s practically impossible. If someone wants to take a picture right after you’ve gotten off the bike, say, “Just a sec,” and then find a reason to work on your bike, use the restroom, eat a snack, or whatever, until such time as you feel you can hold your breath again for up to 45 seconds.
  • Never allow anyone to photograph you while you are on the bike. You’re hunched over, you’re breathing hard, and you’re otherwise not controlling the situation. Observe:


That’s just sad. Someone should tell that guy he needs to get back on his diet.

PS: The silver lining to this photo is, of course, is that I know that 74% of the racers in my class had to say to themselves, at some point, “Hey, I just got passed by a short, fat, middle-aged, bald guy riding a singlespeed and wearing a pink jersey.” And a lot of them had to say that to themselves during the climbs.

PPS: I didn’t intend it this way, but it occurs to me now that my braking finger of choice makes quite a statement in action shots like the above.

PPPS: Special note to Bike Snob NYC: I thought we had agreed you would not mention how many children I have. My revenge will be as thorough as it is calculated.


  1. Comment by Amit Behere | 06.2.2008 | 2:16 pm

    Fatty, you forgot the MOST OBVIOUS of all the tricks. Be photographed in company much fatter people.

  2. Comment by Joe Rosario | 06.2.2008 | 2:25 pm

    Dude, that last picture makes it look like you’re a tiny man on a giant bike…

  3. Comment by 331miles | 06.2.2008 | 2:27 pm

    Pleated cycling shorts help hide the paunch, but they went out of fashion in ‘87.

  4. Comment by dug | 06.2.2008 | 2:27 pm

    wait, what?

  5. Comment by FLatsMan | 06.2.2008 | 2:27 pm

    A vintage piece of advice, much appreciated here in the 90deg. 75% humidity flatlands of Fla.


  6. Comment by isela | 06.2.2008 | 2:29 pm

    Hilarious! Entertaining as heck…I should send you a photo of my first big ride ever. I was surprised with an action shot on my bike, going up hill, exactly when I was puffing my big muffin out. Thanks Fatty for a great laugh. Hope you guys are doing okay.

  7. Comment by cheapie | 06.2.2008 | 2:29 pm

    haha. good stuff. my problem is that my chipmunk cheeks make me look fat whether i really am or not.

  8. Comment by Cat | 06.2.2008 | 2:30 pm

    Dear Fatty, thank you for the tips. Unfortunately, as a female cyclist, sucking in my gut isn’t going to get rid of the wide load in the rear. Due to knee issues is my excuse. So it’s only appropriate that I’m now wearing my Fat Cyclist jersey every day for the rest of the season here in Southern Cal. I could swear that the cars here give me more space when I wear the jersey. Probably feeling sorry for me.
    All the best to Susan,


  9. Comment by Lori | 06.2.2008 | 2:31 pm

    My personal favorite of all the tricks is to be the chick with the camera – thus, never being photographed! And/or get really good with Photoshop!

  10. Comment by Marla | 06.2.2008 | 2:32 pm

    I agree with poster #1. Oh wait, I’m usually that one in the photo! Need to get back on my diet, too!

  11. Comment by KanyonKris | 06.2.2008 | 2:37 pm

    Timely and sage advice, that I seem unable to remember. There are more paunchy photos of myself than I care to know exist. I’m doing OK in the 3rd photo, but I’d say that’s only a B- gut sucking effort.

    Can’t I simply be afflicted with the no-gut disease Brad and Rick have?

    Yes, I’m one of the 74%, and thank you for reminding me that I’m both pudgy and slow. Cycling is cruel.

  12. Comment by The D | 06.2.2008 | 2:40 pm

    As a soft, middleweight roadie, I scrupulously observe the following three part cycle.

    1) Hang with the clydesdales, who make me appear thinner than I am in photos,

    2) Draft the clydesdales, which makes me seem faster than I really am at the rest stops,

    3) Thanks to the “efficiency” of the above, never actually get any thinner or faster.

  13. Comment by Boz | 06.2.2008 | 2:45 pm

    I can suck in the gut, but I’ve got more chins than a chinese phone book, so how about some advice on that. Turtle necks only choke me,are hot in the summer, and my photoshop skills are only so-so. I just can’t seem to hide it. Help, anyone?

  14. Comment by KeepYerBag | 06.2.2008 | 2:47 pm

    You could always try my technique: I pistol whip anyone who points a camera at me.

  15. Comment by regina | 06.2.2008 | 3:00 pm

    so what… now we’re not supposed to talk about the septuplets or the quints. Whose names all start with an E and dress alike. When did that rule come in. sorry I am delirious from holding in my stomach, and the oxygen deprivation.

  16. Comment by BellaCroix | 06.2.2008 | 3:09 pm

    I find wearing a “Fat Cyclist” jersey (especially in pink) is extreemly slimming. First, the pink draws attention to you, then the words “Fat Cylist” draw attention to your mid-section. Assuming they’ll be seeing a REALLY fat guy who just got off his recumbent everyone looks at the belly. Quickly realizing you’re not about to be mistaken for a professional cyclist but that you’re not the slob they (secretly) hopes to (laugh at) see you immediately appear thinner.

    It’s the reverse psychology diet.

    The pink also scores points with the ladies who will be more likely to forgive a little beer keg along for the ride for such a caring man.

    -Proudly wearing the Maglia Rosa de Susan (Sorry Fatty, I hope it’s okay with you and Susan that I’ve used the jersey for my own selfish gains.)

  17. Comment by Emily | 06.2.2008 | 3:10 pm

    Old ladies’ swimsuit manufacturers have spent years perfecting techniques to supposedly hide fat within a skintight garment. Its a matter of time before the cycling jersey manufacturers catch onto this– I’m thinking jerseys with some side-draping or giant chevron stripes or sparkle fabric or super contstricting girdles. Or little skirt ruffles aroun the gut area would look kinda flashy.

  18. Comment by Heatherann | 06.2.2008 | 3:19 pm

    LOL I am about to pee my pants that was so funny. Just this weekend we went for a drive up the canyon and past some bike trails. My hubby mentioned how the one thing he regrets is that he didn’t keep up with mountain biking. (He was an avid biker in high school) I told him about your site and I think that he is going to try to take it up again!

  19. Comment by Grizzly Adam | 06.2.2008 | 3:26 pm

    I also find that my beard is a great distractor of the paunch. I mean, look at the photo, all you see is a hairy dude in the back. And you automatically think “how can that man ride with that thing hanging off his face…”

    The paunch is never even noticed.

  20. Comment by Don | 06.2.2008 | 3:43 pm

    The last picture… the bike really does dwarf you.

  21. Comment by bikemike | 06.2.2008 | 3:49 pm

    i use photoshop whenever possible.
    if men suck in the gut, do women…uuhhmmmm…nevermind?

  22. Comment by Angel | 06.2.2008 | 3:52 pm

    I have to agree that the jerseys were actually very slimming. If you check my blog you will see a picture of me proudly sporting my pink Fat Cyclist jersey. Note how there are no pictures of me from the back or the side. I even had a friend ask me how much weight I’ve lost.

  23. Comment by fatty | 06.2.2008 | 3:59 pm

    angel – that jersey looks great on you. now, please please please cut the tag off.

  24. Comment by Big Mike In Oz | 06.2.2008 | 4:03 pm

    I concur… never let anyone point a camera at you while you’re on a bike.

    As for BSNYC, don’t be too upset. He’s so over-awed by your manliness (on and off the bike) he’s lost count of your procreative output. Either that or he couldn’t count to begin with.

  25. Comment by Rick S. | 06.2.2008 | 4:12 pm

    A very intimidating photo. I’m pretty sure everyone at the race feared us.

  26. Comment by Thud | 06.2.2008 | 4:12 pm

    Then there’s my daughter who, when I put on my FC (orange, thanks to not being online in the 3.2 nanoseconds the pink jerseys were available)Jersey, said, “Ummm, Dad? Isn’t that a little redundant?”

    She is so grounded…

  27. Comment by Catri | 06.2.2008 | 4:25 pm


    As always, astute observations. My braking finger of choice is ‘the bird’ as well, which makes those who ride with/near/by me think I’m the perpetually angry rider. I’m okay with that, as it makes my scabs and war wounds look appropriate on my otherwise girly frame.

    As for sucking in your guts, well, I think you all look pretty darned good, with the exception of Dug, who manages to look like a plaid version of a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon. The real question here is which balloon?


  28. Comment by Born4Lycra | 06.2.2008 | 4:28 pm

    Until you pointed it out I thought the last picture was a great action shot. Now I’m thinking someone must give him a boost up to get on the bike. How many other hobbits raced in that class and how does he get off when he stops. Still a great pic tho.
    We still have not had an update on the sunnies yet.

  29. Comment by Mocougfan | 06.2.2008 | 4:28 pm

    Fat guy in a little….jersey

  30. Comment by 29er | 06.2.2008 | 4:32 pm

    True story- when I was reading your Draper race report my 9 year old came in and saw the photo of you and Dug. She asked “Who’s that?” I told her that was the actual Fat Cyclist. She said “You’re kidding right? He’s not even fat” You’d love her. She’s adorable

  31. Comment by chtrich | 06.2.2008 | 4:51 pm

    That final picture of you really does not capture you at your best…….the camera adds 10 pounds? Or was that 20?

  32. Comment by je | 06.2.2008 | 5:11 pm

    journalists with bike blogs!

    so yesterday

  33. Comment by NW | 06.2.2008 | 5:19 pm

    It’s all so true and sad, but still funny!

  34. Comment by aussie kev | 06.2.2008 | 5:26 pm

    its nice to have acronyms to describe how i have been hiding my gut for years !!!!

  35. Comment by Sprocketboy | 06.2.2008 | 5:50 pm

    Anyone who has seventeen children doesn’t have to think about extra upholstery, really.

  36. Comment by carolyn | 06.2.2008 | 6:21 pm

    All good tips but I tend to just blame the equipment.

  37. Comment by Caren | 06.2.2008 | 7:16 pm

    You’ve addressed the gut issues, but what about those of us (probably mostly females) with the butt/hip issues! I’d hate to think your sexist?!?

    We’ve got pink jerseys for men, jerseys in women’s jerseys so I think it is only apropos that you address photography issues for women too! Can’t wait to hear your take on these :-)

    Thanks for the laugh today!

  38. Comment by daniel | 06.2.2008 | 7:55 pm

    Anyone else notice that in that last photo Fatty is riding not just a single speed, but a single wheel? Or that he seems to have the worlds highest bottom bracket?

    Just stuff to ponder…

  39. Comment by Jaime O. | 06.2.2008 | 8:06 pm

    pleated cycling shorts are the worst idea that’s ever crossed this blog. ever. shudder. i laughed my butt off with the techniques. lol still giggling.

  40. Comment by KanyonKris | 06.2.2008 | 8:06 pm

    Caren and other ladies who think Fat Cyclist should address the female issues of cycling photography:

    Question #1: Do you think Fatty is an intelligent person?

    If you answered yes, proceed to question #2.

    Question #2: Do intelligent people endeavor to learn from the past?

    If you answered yes, proceed to question #3.

    Question #3: Since you know Fatty is married, do you believe he has first-hand experience with female body self image issues?

    If you answered yes, THEN WHY WOULD HE VOLUNTARILY WALK INTO THAT MINE FIELD! Even with Fatty’s considerable skill as a writer, my guess is his memory of past flirtations with even the fringe of this minefield has taught him that you should just stay out. But, hey, if you think you can goad him into it, be my guest. :-)

  41. Comment by Jaime O. | 06.2.2008 | 8:08 pm

    Further, as a woman, I warn you writing about women hiding fat in pictures is a trap. Never acknowledge that women need any technique. Never laugh if a woman suggests she needs a technique. Look confused and walk away.

  42. Comment by Ty | 06.2.2008 | 8:57 pm

    Also, never be photographed while leaning to the front while sitting indian style.

    Trust me on this one :o)

  43. Comment by LidsB2 | 06.2.2008 | 9:12 pm

    Some people have a paunch, spare tire, beer gut, muffin top, or other form of protective layer. Everyone knows these individuals are fat. Others are simply fat on the INside. Technically, this is known as “FOTI Syndrome.” It’s most evident when you get passed on a climb by a short, fat, middle-aged, bald guy riding a singlespeed and wearing a pink jersey.

    Today’s post caused such violent laughter for my wife and me that we nearly split our sides and exposed our inner fatness. Thanks FC!

  44. Comment by boots | 06.2.2008 | 9:40 pm

    What’s with the black socks? I count at least 3 pair, and I cannot see everyone’s feet. Is this an arcane Utahean sartorial tradition? I plan to attend
    the brat consuming festivities of June 21, and wonder if I should bring a pair
    of over the calf woolies. I have an entire drawer full left over from my days in
    corporate America. Packing is so much fun!

  45. Comment by Rick S. | 06.2.2008 | 9:47 pm

    boots- pack yer best corp america black socks. it’s how we roll here in Utah. Argyle is encouraged.

  46. Comment by Rocky | 06.2.2008 | 10:17 pm

    This post has all of the elements of funny writing – principally that it makes fun of dug. And you. I have missed those critical elements in your writing. Evidence of lighter days at the Nelson home.

    Brilliance oozes from your post today. There may have been too much of it for even you as the author could take in. For instance, your 2009 jersey design is done, sans the most minor of details. If you study the photo of you and dug looking svelte, you may notice that both of you look slimmer than usual. You say it’s a combination of thing like light and so.

    Allow me to assert that if your were to send the good people at Twin Six that photo and have them print it just like it is, with a pair of gloved arms over black. Then, no matter how fat one gets, girth can is miraculously masked in an ingeniously crafted jersey. Of course you will have to shoot another photo for the ladies jerseys. Please pass the mashed potatoes!

  47. Comment by Rocky | 06.2.2008 | 10:35 pm

    Wow. I (more than usual today) need to take a moment to review my comments. For instance:

    “There may have been too much of it for even you as the author could take in.”

    Either I am stupid, which is a reasonable possibility, or I am trying to watch the Discovery Channel whilst commenting. Certainly, it is a combination of the two.

    That line should read: “There may have been too much of it for even you the author to take in.”

    And this one:

    “You say it’s a combination of thing like light and so.”

    Again, likely stupidity and the TV. It should read:

    “You say it’s a combination of things like frontal lighting and slimming black side panel on the jersey.”

    Thanks for indulging me some badly needed repairs.

  48. Comment by Susan | 06.3.2008 | 12:13 am

    Yeah, well, I’m still trying to figure out what I might be if you’re the Fat Cyclist? (And I’m not a cyclist in the least.) I’m with the little girl above…you’re not fat. And you’re making me feel bad. :(

    Way funny, today, seriously. Thanks!

  49. Comment by Katie | 06.3.2008 | 4:49 am


    WIN Susan!

  50. Comment by Nina in Ohio | 06.3.2008 | 6:09 am

    Fatty – I do believe that Brad has his own trick. Wear hideous powder blue bike shorts with “matching” socks and no one notices anything else! My way of dealing with the whole issue – be behind the camera instead of in front of it! Voila!

    BTW, I posted an article about favorite internet hangouts on my alumni blog and your site made my list – check it out.

  51. Comment by Al Maviva | 06.3.2008 | 7:04 am

    Boz – you ask: Turtle necks only choke me,are hot in the summer, and my photoshop skills are only so-so. I just can’t seem to hide it. Help, anyone?

    There’s a simple fix. Just ride around with your head up your @55 like so many people, and nobody will notice your several chins.

    Rocky – that wasn’t brilliance that the post oozed. It was surplus adiopose tissue, which like brilliance is shiny and quite slick. Plus it’s a better lubricant than brilliance, especially if you’re trying to cook bacon and eggs. Ever try to fry an egg in your own brilliance? Totally doesn’t work. But frying an egg in fat… mmmmmm…. tasty.

    Upon further review, I’m not sure the rendered lard of mountain bikers would be that good for cooking, although you could probably weave some effective oven mitts out of all the leg hair.

  52. Comment by Mike Roadie | 06.3.2008 | 7:05 am

    So, what ARE the ladies’ tips????

    What works for me is riding in the back of the field with the slower (mainly fatter) riders and then passing them later on in the ride…..boy, that 18mph makes me feel sooooo fast!!!!!


  53. Comment by Steph Bachman | 06.3.2008 | 7:25 am

    Hilarious post today and race report in the previous post. Especially like the trash-talking of KK and pinching of his behind.

    Any update on next wave of jerseys?

    And your son. He rocks.

  54. Comment by Big Mike In Oz | 06.3.2008 | 8:15 am

    Rocky, I’m amazed that it only took you 18 minutes to do the re-write. With all the brain expanding stuff on the Discovery Channel.

  55. Comment by sk8ermom3 | 06.3.2008 | 8:41 am

    ROFL, my son, age 12, with a burgeoning sense of sarcasm and humor, has watched me read this blog, seen me chuckle at the pics and cry at the stories, and yesterday went out for a spin on his little Mongoose, on our property, some cleared woods, a few little hills, just enough to have fun on. I wasn’t watching him until he rolled up to me and said “Hey mom, don’t I look like one of the guys in the pictures?”
    No kidding, he looked like mini Dug! I nearly fell off my chair. I wish I had a camera. Baggy pleated shorts, black socks, and a tee-shirt. No fat on him though (yet). Dug- you have inadvertantly started a fashion trend, thanks.

  56. Comment by RoadRage | 06.3.2008 | 9:50 am

    I hope you laugh as much when you write as when we read. Thanks for the big smile and the LOL this morning.

  57. Comment by FliesOnly | 06.3.2008 | 9:51 am

    After reading this post (and LMAO), I realized that I too make quite a statement with my choice of braking finger. Funny, I never would have given it a second thought, but now I imagine it’ll be foremost in my mind next time I am in need of applying my brakes.

  58. Comment by Swedoz | 06.3.2008 | 10:35 am

    The joy of living in Sweden where the weather is always so crap you can have enough clothes on to hide your gut.

  59. Comment by Mike from PA | 06.3.2008 | 11:24 am

    As a middle-aged male, it’s nice to read of some clever tactics used to disguie a male paunch or better known as the “Manjumach”.
    Unbeknownest to me, I have been employing some of these techniques-which makes them all the more funny.
    However, there are times that you just can’t cover your junk and you need to be prepared if and when a camera is brought out to capture your largeness. For those unexpected events, I recommend carrying a large permanent magnet with you to ‘accidentally’ erase the aforementioned digital pictures from the memory card and to beat the photographer senseless for taking the pictures in first place.

  60. Comment by mark | 06.3.2008 | 11:32 am

    “Brad and Rick Sunderlage (not his real name) are using the rather tedious ploy of not being fat for the photo. Turds.”

    Priceless. Next time Rick wins the guard shack sprint, buy him a dozen instead of just one.

    Dug, the socks were supposed to be for your glove box.

  61. Comment by Bander | 06.3.2008 | 11:37 am

    So Fatty, any chance of getting TwinSix to do a second run of the ‘08 jerseys for those of us that were too slow on the draw? I could use some slimming black side panels to aid in my gut hiding.

  62. Comment by Gillian | 06.3.2008 | 11:57 am

    Ahh, this post is timed impeccably for me. I had a baby five weeks ago, and as such I (a) have a huge gut now, and (b) keep having pictures taken of me. Is Dug available next weekend, when my mother-in-law + camera will be in town? I think I can beat a lousy $9.82.

  63. Comment by cyclostu | 06.3.2008 | 12:08 pm

    You know, I’ve been pondering Born4Lycra’s comment and that it is now crystal clear that our good friend FC is clearly a Hobbit that has escaped from the Shire and now lives in Utah. First, there’s the hair – I think we all remember the before picture from Fatty’s post about shaving his legs don’t we? Any strange toe hair that we should be aware of? Second, there is the height – as evidenced in the last photo, FC can in no way be taller than 4′8″. That is actually a custom 20 inch wheel atb from Waltworks and not the 29er that he claims to ride. Third, his penchant for writing is very reminiscient of both Frodo and Bilbo’s tendancy to journal their experiences, travels, and adventures. And lastly, and most obviously, is his ability to eat mass quantities of food and truly savor every bite (this may be some sort of magic spell that Gandalf hooked him up with). Remember that Merry and Pipin were talking about their daily meals? (Second breakfast, elevensies, onesies, etc.) I rest my case. Fatty, don’t worry – your secret is safe with us though.

  64. Comment by KT | 06.3.2008 | 12:28 pm

    As a woman, here’s my tip (for the rest of the ladies):

    Only appear in photos from the upper-torso region up. Head and shoulders only, people.

    Fatty, maybe you could feature your sister as a guest blogger for the female perspective on this subject. I know the guys here would love it. :)

    And I concur with Born and Cylostu’s theory about you being a hobbit. It’s obvious, and you’re an angry hobbit, too, as evidenced by that last photo.

    Oops, it’s elevensies here in Portland, gotta go eat before it’s time for lunch! :)

  65. Pingback by Fat Cyclist’s Sucking In The Gut « Speed Skate World- By Peter Doucet- Online Since 1999 | 06.3.2008 | 12:39 pm

    [...] Posted on June 3, 2008 by peterdoucet Check out Fat Cyclist’s most recent posting; How To Suck In Your Gut… The post is a tutorial in sucking/ concealing the gut and [...]

  66. Comment by Me (still Kenny's neice) | 06.3.2008 | 2:10 pm

    If you stand up Really Really really tall and suck in your gut it makes you look even skinnier. And taller. That is aways a plus.

  67. Comment by Crazy Commuting Cyclist | 06.3.2008 | 2:18 pm

    This technique may have been mentioned in one of the 65 comments but I will throw this in. Make sure when you get a photo taken it is just of the bike. This will also eliminate any helmet hair, goofy smile, or just a bad kodak moment you may not want captured.

  68. Comment by Robyn | 06.3.2008 | 2:33 pm

    Boz – The chin thing is simple. You must only be photographed from ABOVE. This way you are looking up and your chins are stretched out. So in cycling, I guess you should have a buddy stop halfway up a climb, you at the bottom, and snap a quick picture before heading on up the hill.

    Also, practice biting the insides of your cheeks whilst holding your breath. This gives the illusion of gaunt cheeks, like you’ve been riding for 17 straight days or so. I guess then you can’t smile, which makes it even more dramatic. If you can get your cheeks in far enough, I doubt anyone will continue on down the photo.

  69. Comment by Clydesteve | 06.3.2008 | 6:12 pm

    Fatty, could you condense these tips to a waterproof laminated crib sheet that would clip on to a route holder? I think it would be a big seller.


    Oh, and get busy and write you donation to Bike Mike’s LiveSTRONG Challenge ride (link to the right, near the top of this page).

    I have passed him up again, and this should not be happening! ;-) $13,675 and counting!

  70. Comment by kookimebux | 02.1.2009 | 12:14 pm

    Hello. And Bye. :)

  71. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » How to Get Ready for the Race Season With This One Weird Old Trick | 03.30.2010 | 11:19 am

    [...] Or at least it says a lot of things. Specifically, it says that this diet is mostly about sucking in your gut for “after” pictures, a technique I wholeheartedly endorse. [...]

  72. Comment by Michael Fever | 09.6.2010 | 2:41 am

    I’ve just learned the art of sucking it in, and I never even thought about the photographic impact of my actions or lackthereof! I could have been portraying an entirely different profile to the permanent record of the world!!

  73. Comment by Hank | 09.6.2010 | 11:11 am

    This article has changed my life. I laughed, I cried, I learned. I often see myself, at home, in my mirror, directly from the front, with my gut sucked in, and walk out of my house with that image, confident that I don’t look absolutely horrible in bike clothes. Then some sick bastard whips a camera out and starts posting event photos on facebook, and voila! I am instantly reminded that the only clothes I look worse in than bike clothing is a Kazakhstani speedo. Why has someone not invented the bib shorts with a steel-railed girdle attached to them? Thank you for the advice here, and for at least confirming that I am not the only one strategically hiding at the back of the photos.


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