The Problem With Being Well-Hydrated

09.4.2008 | 11:30 am

Years ago, I edited a computer programmer’s magazine (Visual C++ Developers Journal, to which I’m sure all of you subscribed). The publisher was based in California, but I worked remotely, subletting an office from a real estate agent.

Since I worked remotely, I was on the phone almost constantly. Talking to authors. Talking to editors. Talking to layout. Talking to the publisher.

Talking, talking, talking.

Drink Up
At the time, I was training very seriously, and was trying to get down to racing weight (i.e., the weight at which my knees no longer squoosh into my belly on the upstroke).

Now, any time I want to get serious about losing weight, drinking water becomes a huge part of my day. Even at work, I’ll keep a couple water bottles at my desk, drinking one bottle per hour or so.

I’m not absolutely certain why constantly drinking water is so effective at bringing your weight down (also, I’m not interested, so please don’t email me with links to informative articles), but I know that it works.

As I would drink, I would — naturally — need to pee. And I’m not talking about needing to pee once every couple hours. Nor am I talking about needing to pee once per hour. I’m talking about needing to pee pretty much all the time.

I remember, for example, finishing up once, cleaning up, and returning to my seat…and getting the first glimpse of that special "it’s go time" twinge as I sat down.

In fact, I have — more than once — contemplated whether it might be possible, if I were to drink just a smidgen more, to both drink and pee at a constant rate, nonstop.

Someone, please try this and get back to me on how it turns out.

The Importance of Good Planning
I don’t need to tell you that if you’re a habitual water drinker and you’re going to be in ninety-minute meeting, you’ve got to take steps. Specifically:

  1. Taper off on the drinking an hour before the meeting.
  2. Go use the restroom just before the meeting, even if you don’t really feel like you need to.

(Mildly creepy aside here: At the time, Dug and I worked in the same office — he worked for the same publishing company as I did — and he was also working hard to be a well-hydrated cyclist. As a result, you could always tell when we both were on the same conference call: we’d both be in the bathroom three minutes before the meeting started.)

Sometimes, though, I forgot. And when that happened, meetings seemed to go longer.

And time seemed to slow. Then stop.

Then reverse itself and go backwards.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with excusing yourself from a meeting for a moment for a "bio break," as we euphemized it.

On the other hand, it feels distinctly awkward when you have to excuse yourself to pee for the third time that hour.

Desperate Measures
And then there was the fateful day where I got a phone call from the president of the company.

It was unexpected, and it was urgent. I put on my headset and settled in.

But, without thinking, I just kept on drinking.

Ten minutes into the call, I realized I had nervously drunk a whole bottle of water since picking up the phone.

Fifteen minutes into the call, I needed to pee. But this wasn’t the kind of call you take a break from. Nosirree.

25 minutes into the call, I needed to pee, bad.

And 35 minutes into the call, I determined it was time to make a new, novel use of one of my water bottles.

I drew the blinds closed, waited until I could tell I wouldn’t need to talk for at least a minute, then put my phone on mute, unscrewed the top of my least-favorite bottle, and made additional preparations, which I shall mercifully not describe here.

I immediately felt three sensations:

  1. Exquisite relief. I don’t believe I need to explain this sensation, nor why I felt it.
  2. Strangeness. The knowledge that I was peeing while my boss yelled at me about my inability to ask relevant followup questions in interviews was peculiar, to put it mildly.
  3. Warmth. The water bottle was — not surprisingly, I suppose — quite warm after I was finished.

Brief Panic
I was then able to return to the business at hand — mainly, being trashed by my employer. But it didn’t seem so bad, anymore. I felt calm. At peace. And above all: relieved.

However, my former employer had more to say. And he did. At length.

By the time he was finished, I had rendered both the bottles on my desk unfit for any use but one from that point forward — and an "X" drawn with a sharpie on each of those bottles made it clear what those bottles were exclusively for.

And as I finished filling the second bottle, I had a new problem.

I was not finished.

At which point I learned something I had always wondered about, but had not — until that moment — tested. Specifically: It is, in fact, possible to stop peeing before you’re done. And the relief, while partial, is still measurable.

I’ll take my Nobel prize money in cash, thanks.

To this day, I wonder what I would have done if my boss had not finished his call five minutes later.


  1. Comment by Vincenzo | 09.4.2008 | 11:38 am

    dude, i had that same experience but was on watch inside a nuclear submarine…

  2. Comment by UltraRob | 09.4.2008 | 11:39 am

    Fatty, this is definitely one of your best posts ever. I’ve long said I would never make it in management because I can’t last long enough in meetings without a bio break.

  3. Comment by leroy | 09.4.2008 | 11:43 am

    Dear FC –

    I need some advice.

    I have been in the same situation described in your post, for the same reasons and addressed it in the same way.

    Here is my question: how do you discreetly carry a warm, full water bottle with you to the bathroom?

    Or do you just make a quick dash when you sense there will be no one in the hallway who wants to stop and chat?

  4. Comment by Charlie | 09.4.2008 | 11:43 am

    On the other hand, this might perhaps fall into the TMI category…

    I always feel a bit grimy when I hit the restroom in the airport and see/hear everyone talking on their cell phones while “eliminating”.

    I remember a transciptionist at a medical clinic I used to work at playing back a tape from the radiologist who was dictating and eliminating simultaneously…

  5. Comment by UltraRob | 09.4.2008 | 11:44 am

    I have a tip for very important meetings when I haven’t properly planned beforehand. I don’t recommend using it often because I’m not sure that it’s good for long term health.

    If you slam down enough salt, you can retain fluid much longer although eventually you’ll pay as your body rids itself of the salt. In the office, I don’t keep a stash of salt handy so I’ve been known to down 10 Endurolytes.

  6. Comment by FliesOnly | 09.4.2008 | 11:46 am

    And to think, I thought that sort of thing only happened to me.

  7. Comment by dug | 09.4.2008 | 11:50 am

    leroy, you don’t. you just leave them upright in the trash can, and let the “people” take care of it.

    unless you work where I work, where there don’t seem to BE any “people.” then you leave them in the CEO’s trash can until he gets the hint.

    elden, the phone you procured for me at that office was of the mobile sort–i would clip it to my belt, put on the headphones, use the mute button, and make several pilgrimages to the restroom during long meetings.

  8. Comment by SurlyCommuter | 09.4.2008 | 11:52 am

    Good times FC. The mute button on my phone gets a considerable workout. That way if there is a bit of a “delay” in answering a question you can always feign – “oh, sorry – still had the mute button on”

  9. Comment by The Woulfes | 09.4.2008 | 11:54 am

    i put down at least a gallon a day…and i definitley know how you feel.

    But why trash those bottles? Just rinse em out good and run them through the dishwasher…just like new

    and dug, you’re right on point about the mute button and a head set. It’s a lifesaver.

  10. Comment by 29er | 09.4.2008 | 12:01 pm

    Guys are such cheaters. We women can NEVER do that!

  11. Comment by aaron | 09.4.2008 | 12:08 pm

    Re: headset and mute button:

    I was recently on a particularly long conference call the week before a race, which meant I was drinking water like a fish. After holding it for a while, I muted the headset and headed to the restroom. Of course my normal restroom was being cleaned at the time (the cleaning lady and I seem to be on the same schedule), so I had no choice but to go to the next floor’s restroom, because my body was already entering peeing mode. Apparently, that restroom is on the verge of being out of range for my headset, because the entire time I was taking care of business (which was a really long time), everyone on the call was complaining about all of the static that was suddenly introduced. I, of course, kept quiet and eventually returned to the desk and the participants (including myself) expressed relief that whoever the culprit was had finally dropped off the call.

  12. Comment by KeepYerBag | 09.4.2008 | 12:09 pm

    And yet you won’t share the religious biking experience?

  13. Comment by dug | 09.4.2008 | 12:13 pm

    woulfe, no, no, no. pee’d in bottles must be thrown away. MUST. physics, biology, and reality notwithstanding, MUST be thrown away.

  14. Comment by TomE | 09.4.2008 | 12:14 pm

    Ok…so I peed 15 mins before I started to read this post and then 1/2 thru, I had to pee again…..

  15. Comment by JAT in Seattle | 09.4.2008 | 12:14 pm

    I have also contemplated the constant flow experiment: drinking until you are peeing and drinking continuously, but the problem I think is that your electrolytes would get irrecoverably out of whack and then you’d die.

    You’d fill a lot of bottles before keeling over, though. It would be quite a sight for whoever found you.

  16. Comment by Jon | 09.4.2008 | 12:20 pm

    That was one of the funniest things I’ve ever read. As a frequent urinator myself, I can sympathize.

  17. Comment by Alexia | 09.4.2008 | 12:25 pm

    I’m probably going to wish I posted anonymously, but, yes, this happens to women, too — it’s just trickier. Thank goodness for mute buttons and blinds on windows. And yes, the “people” took care of the trash. I did tie the trash bag up tight!

    It only happened once to me several years ago — I’ve been ultra prepared since then and not afraid to IM people that I’ll be RIGHT BACK. Plus, the wireless headset WITH MUTE helps.

    As for people on cell phones while using the restroom — it’s one of my pet peeves! Ugh!

    Glad I can laugh about this now…

  18. Comment by DOM | 09.4.2008 | 12:25 pm

    Keepyerbag, I was afraid that this was going to become the religious/scar story. What a relief!

  19. Comment by Shiny Flu | 09.4.2008 | 12:29 pm

    That’s why you should have an office plant!

  20. Comment by fatty | 09.4.2008 | 12:36 pm

    the woulfes / dug – by drawing an X on the bottles with a sharpie, i designated them as permanent “For Peeing Only” bottles. Wash them out thoroughly, sure, but still keep them in a drawer strictly as an emergency porta-porta-potty.

    i don’t see the need to throw them away, but i certainly can’t imagine ever drinking out of them again. they’ve transformed and become something new. like the way a caterpillar becomes a butterfly.

  21. Comment by snobound | 09.4.2008 | 12:37 pm

    I’m laughing my head off at this post because my hubby often had this “problem” at his work too. Unlike many of you, he refuses to use a pee-bottle but instead he employed the tactic of dancing around like a lunatic, while trying his best to get the call over with as quickly as possible – without seeming rude or in a hurry. He finally got smart and bought a wireless headset.

  22. Comment by Mike | 09.4.2008 | 12:39 pm

    You need a stadium buddy.

  23. Comment by Lisa B | 09.4.2008 | 12:43 pm

    More like an office tree!

    Fatty, I hope this means you never ever made fun of Susan while she was pregnant and had every location scoped out for where the loo was!

  24. Comment by Clydesteve | 09.4.2008 | 12:43 pm

    Fatty – I know this problem. Your image of the transformed water bottle as a chrysalis is priceless.

  25. Comment by Philly Jen | 09.4.2008 | 12:45 pm

    I second 29er: So. Jealous.

    Even more than when you did the Flying Whiz post.

  26. Comment by joel | 09.4.2008 | 12:53 pm

    That post almost led to severe problems. As with you (trying to avoid the “squoosh”) I am working on being well hydrated. Similarly, this post (as did your boss’ call) caught me off guard. Unlike you, the laughter prompted by the post almost led to, uh, difficulties…

  27. Comment by Timrey | 09.4.2008 | 12:56 pm

    Be sure to read David Sedaris’s essay on the stadium pal, or watch him read it here:

  28. Comment by UtRacerDad | 09.4.2008 | 12:56 pm

    Funny thing, I did get that journal in my mail box :), and I have been in that exact situation not more than two weeks ago. but it is much more difficult to do when all you have is a cube with no door.

  29. Comment by graisseux | 09.4.2008 | 12:58 pm

    This is one of those stories in the “let us never speak of this again” category except you were by yourself. Those usually make the best stories.

    The bottle trick works really well on road trips and can guarantee record time. After one of my college roommates did this, he stashed the bottle in his car only to forget about it. At least six months later, the bottle rolled out from under his seat. I would have thrown the whole car away.

  30. Comment by Don | 09.4.2008 | 12:59 pm

    Yeah… uh, yeah…
    I just don’t know what to say here.

  31. Comment by KanyonKris | 09.4.2008 | 1:02 pm

    JAT – The electrolytes are not a problem with continuous flow if you recycle. (evil grin)

  32. Comment by KC - Kendra | 09.4.2008 | 1:10 pm

    I would say this is where guys have a definite advantage. You need to go, you go it doesn’t matter where you are on the trail, driving, conference call….Women it is a little bit more trickier.

  33. Comment by Richard | 09.4.2008 | 1:24 pm

    A friend of mine had the same problem, but on an airplane with an “out of order” restroom. It seems he stopped at the bar and downed a rather large beer before the flight. He also didn’t hear the announcement that the one restroom was out of order. In short, the flight attendant had to hold the curain closed (where they prepare the now defunct snacks) while he went in an empty water bottle…..he never did say why he couldn’t have used the restroom to pee in the bottle.

  34. Comment by Lifesgreat | 09.4.2008 | 1:33 pm

    T M I

    But I suppose it was my decision to continue reading the post. . .

    I will never buy a water bottle from you at a yard sale or something. Or claim one in a Fatty raffle.

  35. Comment by Eddie | 09.4.2008 | 1:34 pm

    ROFL! Fantastic story!

  36. Comment by Anonymous | 09.4.2008 | 1:37 pm

    Somebody already posted the analogy to pregnant women, which I second. I TOTALLY know that feeling of sitting down after you’ve done your business and having to immediately hop back up, and also of crossing your legs through a very important meeting that does not brook interruption. The problem did not end when the baby was born. It took a few months for normalcy to reign in that area, and in that time, I had many creative tactics to achieve immediate emergency relief, although they were slightly more complicated, given the biology. Some involved potted plants. (Measures were later taken to ensure cleanliness of whatever I had utilized, fear not.)

    I’m so glad we can share our pee-pee stories online. There is no limit to what I will share with a bazillion online readers. Anonymously, of course.

  37. Comment by Lizzylou | 09.4.2008 | 1:45 pm


  38. Comment by hp | 09.4.2008 | 1:50 pm

    ooooof, I live at a very low elevation and was training for a ride out West at a much higher elevation. Cure? or Torture? Super-hydration.

    I was a Non-stop pee machine! Luckily I work from home. I use the mute and cover the mic on my phone to cover up any bio breaks.

    Why the heck to super-hydration work?
    ~~the lowlander

  39. Comment by hp | 09.4.2008 | 1:51 pm

    ooooof, I live at a very low elevation and was training for a ride out West at a much higher elevation. Cure? or Torture? Super-hydration.

    I was a Non-stop pee machine! Luckily I work from home. I use the mute and cover the mic on my phone to cover up any bio breaks.

    Why the heck to super-hydration work?
    ~~the lowlander

  40. Comment by Jared | 09.4.2008 | 1:51 pm

    Living near the coast this problem pops up while fishing on the ocean since there’s no floating restrooms. The boat usually has a fabric softener bottle for the ladies, other then that you hang yourself overboard while going.Believe it or not women can go in bottles too, they just usually refuse too because they claim it doesn’t work. Then they proceed to laugh at us while we try to maintain our balance while peeing over the side.

  41. Comment by anonymous | 09.4.2008 | 1:55 pm

    Most women could vouch for the fact that you can in fact continuously pee while drinking. Ask any woman who has ever had an ultrasound… pure torture. And when it’s over you wouldn’t believe how much/long… well anyway, you get the idea.

  42. Comment by NW | 09.4.2008 | 1:57 pm

    That was hilarious!

  43. Comment by Betty | 09.4.2008 | 2:01 pm

    In addition to seconding previous comments …
    The item which tipped me into laugh out loud territory was the REI ad for SIGG water bottles at the end of the post.
    The librarians have given up shushing me since I started reading your blog.

  44. Comment by IMNJ | 09.4.2008 | 2:18 pm

    While truely commendable you did not pee all over yourself it would have been a classic ending.

  45. Comment by Woody | 09.4.2008 | 2:21 pm

    An entire post about pee!

  46. Comment by AlicesYellowPorsche | 09.4.2008 | 2:38 pm

    gotta love the internet. a zillion people can talk about pee, pee in bottles, the bottles used for pee, pregnancy pee, ultrasound pee, peeing off boats…. you did this in person, in civilized society and you would be slowly but firmly shoved into a strait jacket. great post!

  47. Comment by Anne | 09.4.2008 | 2:50 pm

    The visual of drinking and peeing at the same time set me off laughing for a long and loud time!

  48. Comment by LidsB2 | 09.4.2008 | 2:56 pm

    My only really good pee story involves an F-15 over southern Iraq. It is too long to tell here, so I’ll have to save it for the next Triathalon. Let’s just say it doesn’t end as favorably as Fatty’s.

  49. Comment by Big Mike In Oz | 09.4.2008 | 3:10 pm

    “To this day, I wonder what I would have done if my boss had not finished his call five minutes later.”

    I would have thought that as a highly paid sub-editor you would have had a pot plant in your office. ‘nuf sed.

  50. Pingback by The Problem With Being Well-Hydrated | Randomblog blog | 09.4.2008 | 3:12 pm

    [...] The Problem With Being Well-Hydrated Posted by admin on September 04, 2008 random Years ago, I edited a computer programmer’s magazine (Visual C++ Developers Journal, to which I’m sure all of you subscribed). The publisher was based in California, but I worked remotely, subletting an office from a real estate agent. [...]

  51. Comment by Kt | 09.4.2008 | 4:21 pm

    Um… ew.

    I think this story is a bait and switch.

    You’re trying to draw our attention away from the religious scar story from the previous post.

    I think you are 50% successful there.

    I still say: ew.

  52. Comment by Matt | 09.4.2008 | 4:29 pm

    OK, I give in…

    I’ve sat here trying to read this without wetting myself. But not only was that painfully true, now I’ve got to go…

  53. Comment by Mike Roadie | 09.4.2008 | 4:30 pm

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  54. Comment by KarinNH | 09.4.2008 | 4:36 pm

    I was laughing until I got to the comment about ultrasounds…

    Last time I had one, they actually said, Wow! Your bladder is too full. Do you think you can go up until the count of 10 and then stop?

    Talk about a best feeling/worst feeling experience. I’m still bitter.

  55. Comment by Al Maviva | 09.4.2008 | 5:05 pm

    Man, I did exactly the same thing with my water bottles when I was getting a long lecture from my spiritual mentor one day. He’s a real yakker – just kept talking and talking. But things didn’t work out nearly as well for me as you Elden. Gosh, people are so uptight during Palm Sunday services, I just don’t get it.

    Ps. Try eating more broccoli. Seriously – after a few months it expresses a gene that makes your prostate stronger than Superman on a crystal meth binge. Any, um, age-related prostate/urinary issues may be helped by this. And even if you don’t have the gene, you’ll be able to do a twisted sort of Popeye impression for people in your family and office. “Wheresk me au gratin? Yuckyuckyuckyuck…”

  56. Comment by rich | 09.4.2008 | 5:44 pm

    Funny stuff Fatty…I too worked on that pub for a brief stint and being a well hydrated individual and knowing how the JF tonguelashings could continue endlessly I feel your pain…

  57. Comment by Hughes | 09.4.2008 | 5:55 pm

    Fatty, something similar happened to me a few days ago. Although I am not training for any kind of event, I work as a chef – teacher in a culinary university in Mexico city. With the heat in the kitchens, i tend to drink about 2 x 1.5 Lt bottles per day.
    traffic sucks here!
    I was coming back home ( normally a 30 min. journey) but we started later than usual ( me and my sous-chef who gives me a ride, since she lives close to my home.
    It took us 2.5 hours to come back. And just before I left, I finished my third bottle since 12h00!!

    Needless to say, coming back home that day was a painful experience and worse since my sous-chef cranked the AC to the max.

    folks…. always hit the john before you go home!!!

  58. Comment by one of you | 09.4.2008 | 6:52 pm

    let’s just say i unfortunately know why it’s so important to mark the bottle as a biohazard. or at least throw it away right away. sip…omg….what did i just…..GAG!!!!!! swerve the car to the side of the road. yeah. really.

  59. Comment by Rokrider | 09.4.2008 | 6:56 pm

    I guess it’s a good thing you never decided to become an astronaut Fatty. They recycle their urine into drinking water. Talk about continuous flow.

  60. Comment by Bjorn 4Lycra | 09.4.2008 | 7:09 pm

    At least we have not gone down the how big are the bottles what about overflow etc route. Oh no wait a mo now we have.

  61. Comment by Uphill Battle | 09.4.2008 | 7:42 pm

    No time to read all the comments, so pardon me if I have repeated someone else’s observation. But, I think that Fatty is teling us a pee story so that we forget about the religious scar story.

  62. Comment by Alexia | 09.4.2008 | 8:19 pm

    I have to know about the religious scar story now. It is bike-related, right? Even tangentially?

  63. Comment by Kathleen | 09.4.2008 | 8:43 pm

    wow – now that’s true confessions! love how you’re keeping it real :-)

  64. Comment by Jay Peitzer | 09.4.2008 | 9:58 pm

    Hmmmmm….circular peeing. The old guy’s equivilant of circular breathing. Move over Roland Kirk. Just not sure if there is a practical reason to do this…..not sure if there needs to be.

  65. Comment by Lucky Cyclist | 09.4.2008 | 10:19 pm

    My High School Human Biology teacher spent an afternoon telling us once that the human bladder can only hold about two cups of urine.
    My buddy and I debated profusely but couldn’t mention the fact that we disproved this in the back of the student bus to an away basketball game.
    We had snuck beers on at the beginning of the two hour drive and, let’s just say that the second hour was stressful. Between the two of us,(one standing watch and one aiming carefully), we filled two 32 oz “Big Chill” cups twice. And we both tested our ability to “Slow the Flow” when we had to change cups midstream. I found it was more painful than I would have thought.
    The highlight however was that just as I was about to chuck the contents out the window, the unwitting Year book photographer snapped a picture of me holding the cup up as if in a toast.
    Best yearbook photo ever.

  66. Pingback by | The RocBike Review » Links of the Day: September 4, 2008 | 09.4.2008 | 10:27 pm

    [...] The Problem With Being Well-Hydrated (Fat Cyclist) – Fatty continues to earn his reputation as one of the best writers in bike blogging. [...]

  67. Comment by JB | 09.4.2008 | 10:33 pm

    You hydrated with water, while I’m guessing Dug hydrated with Diet Coke!

  68. Comment by Car in Bluffdale | 09.5.2008 | 12:37 am

    The phrase “Thanks Stadium Buddy! Don’t mind if I do!” keeps going through my head but I see others have beat me to the, ahem, punch.
    I can’t believe what tiny bladders y’all have. A few years ago I flew from Austin TX to Dublin, Ireland without peeing once. By the end of that flight I was definitely hurting but I was trapped in my seat by an Irish man who was passed out cold. The flight attendants never stopped giving him liquor, you see. We were in first class and he had the bed fully extended. I’m a polite Mormon girl and it never occurred to me to walk across his groin or holler in his ear a’ la Elaine Benes. It just never occurred to me, even though by the end it’d been seventeen hours….

  69. Comment by KatieA978 | 09.5.2008 | 12:58 am

    I have the problem that my need for a bio-break goes from 0 – 100 in the space of 3 seconds. I don’t need to go, and then… I REALLY, REALLY do.

    But this does remind me of my Mum’s observation on the Tour this year – “do they ever stop to, you know… go to the bathroom??” and right on cue, cut to some guys on the side of the road discretely pulling their shorts out of the way… Her response was simply: “Oh!!”

  70. Comment by Big Mike In Oz | 09.5.2008 | 1:07 am

    Al, I’ve just discovered the impediment to your athleticism… your Popeye juice is made from Broccoli. Try switching to spinach.

  71. Comment by victoria | 09.5.2008 | 1:11 am

    This whole thread of comments (to say nothing of the post) points out that really, we’re all just a bunch of silly middle-schoolers at heart. Bodily functions= the absolute Mt. Everest of hilarity and a never-ending subject for discussion.

  72. Comment by ??????? | 09.5.2008 | 1:58 am

    At least we have not gone down the how big are the bottles what about overflow etc route. Oh no wait a mo now we have.

  73. Comment by buckythedonkey | 09.5.2008 | 4:01 am

    I think I’ve just workedout what old Camelbak bladders are for. Three litres of bliss.

  74. Comment by bikemike | 09.5.2008 | 4:54 am

    you and dug are bladder related, right?

  75. Comment by Surly Dave | 09.5.2008 | 6:12 am

    In Antarctica we were each issued with a wide-mouthed one litre Nalgene pee bottle to use at night inside our tents. We drew skulls and crossbones and stuff on them so there was no chance of anyone ever drinking out of them by mistake.

    The trick was after using it to keep it inside your sleeping bag so it didn’t freeze – which made it kinda hard to empty in the morning. After some months of use they tended to develop vivid staining. My wife threw mine out when I got home, I thought it was kind of a neat souvenir.

    Never filled one to the top, although a mate filled two wine bottles once, which was considered quite an achievement.

  76. Comment by wing-nut | 09.5.2008 | 6:57 am

    I just tell em “I gotta go. I have a bladder like a puppy on lasix.” I figure that way I have control of the whole situation. Who is gonna say “You have to hold it”?

  77. Comment by Ka_Jun | 09.5.2008 | 7:25 am

    Trucker bombs @ the office? Did you store it in the company fridge, afterwards?

  78. Comment by sansauto | 09.5.2008 | 8:09 am

    I was participating in a research study where I was told to come to the study well hydrated. THey then gave me a 500 ml beaker to measure my output. I filled the beaker and had to ‘cut it off’ and go get another to finish the job.

    I was telling my family about this one day and as we finished up the conversation I had to go to the bathroom, so I used it as an excuse to get going. My four year old looked at me quite concerned and asked, “Daddy, are you going to cut your penis off again?”

  79. Comment by Woody | 09.5.2008 | 8:31 am

    This would solve all your problems!

  80. Comment by Clydesdale | 09.5.2008 | 9:15 am


    Hmmmm, I just don’t know what to say, disturbing yet educational at the same time?!



  81. Comment by Corey | 09.5.2008 | 9:21 am

    (i.e., the weight at which my knees no longer squoosh into my belly on the upstroke)

    Umm, what kind of build do you have where your knees hit your belly? My quads squoosh into mine, and if it were physically possible my knees would squoosh into my man-boobs.
    Fatty, you must be built like this guy:

  82. Comment by snobound | 09.5.2008 | 9:58 am

    I’ll have you know that this post kept popping into my head last night – causing me to have to get up and pee three times in the night – ruining a perfect nights sleep. But every time I sat down on the toilet I had to snicker about how funny the whole darned incident really was! :))

  83. Comment by ann | 09.5.2008 | 10:40 am

    “Someone, please try this and get back to me on how it turns out”

    It’s called being pregnant. With your fourth child. When you are almost 40.

  84. Comment by Ann-Marie | 09.5.2008 | 10:45 am

    That might have been a little too much.

  85. Comment by matt | 09.5.2008 | 5:07 pm

    I so never needed to know that…

  86. Comment by Jacqui | 09.5.2008 | 5:53 pm

    LOL, that was funny but one question: “What should females do?”

    Maybe you could invent a waterbottle for that purpose? You know, just in case?

  87. Comment by Old Fart | 09.5.2008 | 8:25 pm


    Fatty has always seemed familiar to me.

    I now realize that he probably edited one of my articles to VCDJ.

    Small world.

  88. Comment by Annie | 09.6.2008 | 10:38 am

    It’s rare that I’m both intensely drawn to and repulsed by a post. Thank you.
    And I’ll never forget the time I was being mercilessly reamed on the phone by a big-shot (oh, you’d know his name, believe me), only to have him stop for a moment, saying “hold on, I’ve got to stand up and tie my robe” AND THEN I HEARD A FLUSH.

  89. Comment by Bill | 09.6.2008 | 2:53 pm

    Have you been following me around?


  90. Comment by Ben | 09.6.2008 | 3:07 pm

    Great post, man!

  91. Comment by Kerbouchaud | 09.7.2008 | 7:03 am

    Been there done that! I’m curious though, does the whole hydration for weightloss thing work if your water has been infused with mass quantities of coffee?
    I mean it’s still water right?

  92. Comment by Di | 09.7.2008 | 5:44 pm

    “And 35 minutes into the call, I determined it was time to make a new, novel use of one of my water bottles. ”


    I have to say, just when this post got to where I didn’t think it would shock/surprise/whatever me, you kept going…um, yeah, you kept going.

  93. Comment by Kate | 09.8.2008 | 3:33 am

    We women know all about stoppingin mid-stream, it’s recomended exercise for the pelvic floor muscles!

  94. Comment by One Yard Shorts | 09.8.2008 | 6:59 pm

    “I remember, for example, finishing up once, cleaning up, and returning to my seat…and getting the first glimpse of that special “it’s go time” twinge as I sat down.”

    Fatty sits to pee!

    Muaaa haa haa haaaaa

  95. Comment by siouxgeonz | 09.10.2008 | 3:23 pm

    So… is that the true derivation of being p*ssed off at the boss?

  96. Pingback by » Blog Archive » Keeping up the wetness | 10.22.2008 | 6:31 pm

    [...] I’m fully aware of Fatty’s post on the matter, but I maintain that I started typing this first… or at least I started [...]


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