A Note from Fatty: I don’t know what’s going on with my blog this week. I’ve been writing pretty normal posts (an open letter to Specialized, an ode to chocolate syrup), but when I post them, these weird “Journal of Dr. Prescott” stories have been appearing, instead.
So, because I have an important world-exclusive story today, I have disabled my normal publishing system and implemented a new, stronger data transfer algorithm (it’s vertically stiff and horizontally compliant, which is a good thing in data transfer algorithms), and am bringing you this news at great expense and personal risk.
Because the story must be told, that’s why.
Exclusive: Lance Armstrong Returns to Pro Racing
Austin, TX (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – In a major world-scooping exclusive, Fat Cyclist Fake News Service (FCFNS) is pleased to be the first to announce that Lance Armstrong will be returning to professional cycling.
“I’m returning to professional cycling,” Armstrong told FCFNS. “Which is to say, I’ll be racing my bike as a professional cyclist.”
“Also,” continued Armstrong in this very surprising and exclusive interview, “I will be joining a professional bicycle racing team, and I plan to race the Tour de France next year.”
“Finally,” summed up Armstrong in this unprecedented and unequaled interview, “I will be racing to win. And now I’ve got to go talk with those guys at Vanity Fair and tell them all the stuff I just told you.”
This news is certain to sweep the industry within the next few days, so FCFNS has contacted key players in the cycling industry to get their reactions.
Reaction from Team Astana
Johan Bruyneel, director of Team Astana, quickly denied that Armstrong will be racing with Team Astana. “We’re very excited to announce that we have nothing to announce,” said Bruyneel. “Lance Armstrong is not on our team, and you should not assume that he is on our team until we tell you he is, which will be in a couple of weeks. Further, when we announce that Armstrong will in fact be racing with Astana, we’d appreciate it if you’d all pretend to be surprised.”
Alberto Contador, winner of the 2007 Tour de France, expressed enthusiasm at the prospect of having Armstrong on the team. “In 2007 I gave my all in order to win the Tour de France. In 2008 — through no fault of my own — I was not allowed to defend my title. So, as you may expect, I’m very excited to return to the Tour de France in 2009 as a domestique to Mr. Armstrong.”
“How,” continued Contador, “could I possibly be anything but excited? The only way I could be more excited would be if Astana stole Basso from Liquigas, too. Maybe we could have a team made up of nothing but GC contenders. That would be swell.”
“Story of my life,” mumbled Levi Leipheimer.
Reaction from OLN
Executives from the OLN VS network were unavailable unable to comment, due to the fact that they were all rolling around on the floor, cheering, laughing, and praising various and sundry deity. Phrases that could made out through the din tended to be along the lines of, “We’re saved!”
Al Trautwig made himself available for comment outside VS headquarters. Since, however, nobody asked, he gave it anyway: “Lance Armstrong! Seven time Tour de France champion! Lance Lance Lance! The man from Texas! Lancity Lancity Lance Lance Lance!”
Trautwig was then ushered off the premises by local police, evidently at the request of VS security.
Reaction from Christian Prudhomme
Christian Prudhomme, director of the Tour de France, commented that, “We at ASO are simultaneously pleased and outraged that Lance Armstrong wants to race in the Tour de France next year. We sincerely look forward to the revenue, press, and excitement he will bring to the 2009 race, and look forward even more to leaking snide comments and unvetted test results to the press during the next several months.”
“You’ll need to excuse me now,” finished Prudhomme. “I need to go figure out how I can appear to be taking the high road when I announce that team Astana — which will otherwise have changed nothing since we barred them from racing in the 2008 Tour de France — is welcome in 2009.
Reaction from Greg Lemond
Former Tour de France champion Greg Lemond almost certainly has an opinion regarding this news, but nobody dared go near him to ask what it is.
PS: Cycling Utah, a printed monthly magazine, interviews me in the current issue. You can download a PDF here and discover how goofy and all over the map I am when people ask me straightforward questions.
PPS: Those of you who follow the comments section of this blog are undoubtedly familiar with BotchedExperiment. Well, Botched had himself one heck of a weekend, as detailed in his wife’s blog. Warning: it involves a chainsaw and some really, really gross photos of Botched’s leg. I think you get the idea.