Levi Leipheimer Endorses The Ultimate Sports Hypnosis CD, Announces Pleasure at being Contador’s Super-Domestique

09.18.2008 | 11:00 am

hypnosis Madrid, Spain (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – In a post-stage team press conference today, U.S. National Road Race Champion Levi Leipheimer announced he is endorsing The Ultimate Cyclist CD

"Since winning the 2007 Tour of California, the Ultimate Cyclist has become an indispensable part of my training arsenal,” said Leipheimer.

Added teammate Alberto Contador, apropos of nothing, "Phosphorus," at which point Levi Leipheimer stood up, climbed up on the table, and began clucking like a chicken.

Oddly, when Contador snapped his fingers, Leipheimer returned to his seat and resumed speaking normally.

"This has been an exceptional year for me," said Leipheimer. "I really feel that I have the will, fitness, and determination to win a major tour."

Interrupted Contador, "Sodium."

Leipheimer continued, in a stilted voice, "But the greatest thing I could ever do is reject my own selfish desires and to do all I can, regardless of consequences, to help my glorious and exalted teammate Alberto Contador win the Vuelta España."

Leipheimer then shook his head a few times, pressed his palms to his eyes, and then looked around as if he were lost.

After taking a few moments to evidently collect himself, Leipheimer asked, "Are there any questions?"

One reporter asked why Leipheimer had, recently, pulled over on the side of the road for several minutes, completely stopping until Contador had caught up with him. Unfortunately, Leipheimer’s response was not audible, due to a sudden — and quite severe — sneezing fit on Contador’s part.

Asked why, earlier in the stage that day, he had begun mooing like a cow for ten minutes, Leipheimer had no comment, nor any apparent idea of what the questioner was talking about.

At this moment, Contador’s coughing / sneezing fit became so severe — he covered his face with his hands and his entire body seemed to be shaking — that the press conference had to be terminated.

Created by cycling coach and category 1 bike racer Josh Horowitz, and renowned Australian clinical hypnotherapist, Dr. Rick Collingwood, The Ultimate Cyclist is the only cycling-specific sports psychology tool on the market.

It is not known whether custom versions of the CD, containing specialized messages and suggestions, can be ordered.


  1. Comment by dug | 09.18.2008 | 11:06 am


  2. Comment by Jon Rides Bikes | 09.18.2008 | 11:06 am

    This is as bad as the ubiquitous “Tired of being tired?” Poor Lance. Poor Levi. What happened to good old fashioned doping?

  3. Comment by AMG in Texas | 09.18.2008 | 11:12 am

    What happened?? Where am I?? This is the Fat Cyclists Blog?? I haven’t been here since my kitchen remodel… What happened in the meantime??? And why am I putting the phone down??? Who called??? Al Conta?? How did he get my number???

    And why am I 215?? My bike tires are flat and my odometer batteries are dead??? Isn’t this 2006?

  4. Comment by BikeCopVT | 09.18.2008 | 11:15 am

    In an interesting side note sales of the newly availble customized verson just went through the roof in Austin Texas as Lance prepares to announce the members of his new cycling team.

    Just having a little fun.

    Go Lance Go!
    Win Susan!!!!

  5. Comment by Hamish A | 09.18.2008 | 11:23 am

    I just lost coffee through my nose upon reading the word ‘phosphorus’, so thanks for that!

    Great to see FCFNS breaking the stories that the mainstream media shy away from. Now, where can I get a copy of this CD so I can use it against… *ahem* I mean use it to help my riding buddies?

    Excellent post Fatty.

    WIN Susan!!!

  6. Pingback by Levi Leipheimer Endorses The Ultimate Sports Hypnosis CD, Announces Pleasure at being Contador’s Super-Domestique | Randomblog blog | 09.18.2008 | 11:37 am

    [...] Levi Leipheimer Endorses The Ultimate Sports Hypnosis CD, Announces Pleasure at being Contador&#8217… Posted by admin on September 18, 2008 random <img style=”border-right: 0px; border-top: 0px; margin: 0px 0px 5px 5px; border-left: 0px; border-bottom: 0px” height=”274″ alt=”hypnosis” src=”http://www.randomblogblog.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-o-matic/cache/67f7e_windowslivewriterlevileipheimerendorsestheultimatesportsh-9789hypnosis-3.jpg” wi…More… [...]

  7. Comment by bikemike | 09.18.2008 | 11:55 am

    so, is josh horowitz comparable to, like, uhm, black sabbath or jimi hendrix, in the catagory thingy ? if it’s sabbath, i’m not sure he can be trusted.

    wouldn’t want to be in levi’s shoes next year. he ain’t gonna win nothing if his boy lance comes on board.

  8. Comment by cyclostu | 09.18.2008 | 11:59 am

    In the marketing piece, they should include testimonials from other cyclists who may have used this in the past or may have benefitted from its use – Lance, for example. Although, people might think that the product ONLY works on Levi.

    Hinault could have REALLY used this when that pesky American on his team kept going faster than him.

  9. Comment by Rob | 09.18.2008 | 12:11 pm

    more picking on poor Levi!! Keep up the good work. I’m still laughing about “Story of my life…”

    Win Susan

  10. Comment by Big Boned | 09.18.2008 | 12:25 pm

    Fatty’s back! Yeaaaaaaaa!
    Fatty no “Jack Mormon Militia” this year?
    I’m headed out from DC for the race even though I’ll be in awful shape – compound fracture of your elbow will tend to do that to you. I got my Dr.’s OK to get back on my MTB earlier this week, so I’ve got a whole month to get “ready”…

  11. Comment by Di | 09.18.2008 | 12:38 pm

    I like chickens. I think someone needs to script this post and hire some actors. Perhaps a Saturday Night Live skit?

  12. Comment by The D | 09.18.2008 | 12:58 pm

    Nice one, Fatty!

    As usual, I had a hard time discerning exactly where real events stop and parody sets it.

    I literally had to click on the ad to learn that it was, in fact, “real,” at least in the way that the oil from a snake is real.

  13. Comment by Don | 09.18.2008 | 1:21 pm

    ‘phosphorus’ put me over the top too! That was a riot.
    WIN Susan!

  14. Comment by Willie Nelson | 09.18.2008 | 1:22 pm

    Last time I got hypnotized for sports performance reasons I woke up wearing nothing but an old school speedo, batting gloves and hockey skates. Maybe I should have used this kind…

  15. Comment by FliesOnly | 09.18.2008 | 1:29 pm

    Well, that certainly explains a lot, and answers many of the questions I have been lying awake at night wondering about. Thanks, Fatty, for getting to the bottom of this.

  16. Comment by KanyonKris | 09.18.2008 | 2:35 pm


    If you do you’ll snap out of the hypnosis and find yourself in a Bolivian slum dressed in rags. Your neighbors will inform you that you arrived 2 years ago muttering something about selling all your belongings and donating them to the Let Levi Ride Foundation.

  17. Comment by Mike Roadie | 09.18.2008 | 2:43 pm

    Let Levi Ride…….Let Levi Ride……..Let Levi Ride……..

    What the?????

  18. Comment by Clydesteve | 09.18.2008 | 3:47 pm

    good one, Fatty.

  19. Comment by RandoBoy | 09.18.2008 | 3:49 pm

    The Manchurian Domestique? I see a better movie option for Matt Damon than the on-again, off-again Lance Armstrong Story.

  20. Comment by Aaron | 09.18.2008 | 5:09 pm

    Exact Constant F Sharp Frequency
    Is that known as the ‘brown note’?

  21. Comment by Bike Rider Guy | 09.18.2008 | 6:50 pm

    They finally transferred it from the legal system to the sporting world. The apparent loss of memory based on minerals.

    In the courtroom it was caused by the phrases “Truthfully” and “Honestly”.

    Well, it works pretty well for Alberto, I mean Levi. Perhaps some domestiques will be getting their leaders onto this.

  22. Comment by Roo | 09.18.2008 | 7:11 pm

    Love your blog. I just discovered it and I can’t pull myself away. I also am having trouble figuring out what’s real and what’s not, which is making it even funnier!

  23. Comment by Bitter (formerly known as Lissee) | 09.18.2008 | 8:19 pm

    Poor Levi!

    side note: Lance should form his own team.

  24. Comment by Debamundo | 09.18.2008 | 8:31 pm

    Sure, go ahead, make fun of the guy for being a team player and a class act. Yeah, I laughed, but still.

  25. Comment by Al Maviva | 09.19.2008 | 6:57 am

    It is a little known fact that Levi’s middle name is Salieri. Strange but true. Or so good it can’t be false, anyhow.

    - “Everyone wants to win; the special person has the will to win.” Marv Levy

  26. Comment by Boz | 09.19.2008 | 9:12 am

    And Lances’ is Mozart. I have often wondered about that coincidence.

  27. Comment by Kt | 09.19.2008 | 12:41 pm

    That’s… scary. They used the arm-crossed staring picture of Levi that always makes me think he’s trying to use his psychic powers on me.

    Stop it, Levi! You’re creepin’ me out!

  28. Comment by Formely Bent022 | 09.19.2008 | 1:04 pm

    KanyonKris – Too funny!!!

  29. Comment by Josh Horowitz | 09.20.2008 | 6:55 pm

    Funny stuff! In response to the question about custom tracks, they’re not avaialbe yet, but I do one on one hypnosis sessions over the phone. In response to the comment about listing our other endorsements, we have Hayden Godfrey (current world track champion), Chris Baldwin (two time national time trial champion) and Coryn River (18 time junior national champion). Any questions?!

  30. Comment by hypnosis cds | 06.9.2010 | 1:57 am

    thank you for a very constructive and well written article. Self-hypnosis is easy to learn and can really make a difference to your quality of life. The benefits of a good hypnosis relaxation session roll over into your everyday life and you could find yourself feeling much calmer generally.

  31. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » Do Something Good, Win Levi Leipheimer’s Bike | 10.5.2010 | 4:29 pm

    [...] and then there was the time I wrote the piece about Contador hypnotizing Levi to cluck like a chicken. And the piece where he caused problems for Astana because he didn’t (couldn’t) provide [...]


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