The Velveeta Dilemma

11.14.2008 | 1:37 pm

I have a very, very important ethical dilemma I want to talk about today, but first I want to answer a couple of questions many people have been asking about Team Fat Cyclist: Fighting for Susan (“Team Fatty” for short).

  1. Where’s it going to be? A lot of you have asked, “Which event / challenge will Team Fatty participate in: San Jose, Seattle, Philly, or Austin? The answer is: All of them. We’re going to win the Team awards for all four separate events, and then, when they combine our team size and money raised, we’re going to win the overall, too. (By the way, I’m not just making this up; I checked with LAF to make sure we can do this.)
  2. If you can’t attend the event, can you still be part of the team? You bet you can. You’ll be able to sign up as a volunteer and still help raise money for the team. The most important part of being part of Team Fatty is not about being at the event. It’s about working together to fight cancer (and it’s also about kicking all the other teams’ butts, too). As for myself, I hope to attend all the events (but also have to be honest with myself and admit circumstances might prevent me from attending some — or even any — of them).
  3. What If you don’t — or someone who wants to join with you doesn’t — ride a bike? You can still join. There’s a run/walk option.
  4. What if you’re already committed to a LiveStrong team? I suggest you stay on that team and work hard for it. I don’t want to poach anyone. That’s not what this is about.
  5. What does the money you raise in the LiveStrong Challenge do? It does a lot. A lot of people have been asking me why I’m a big fan of the Lance Armstrong Foundatiion. Sometime next week, I’m going to go into specifics.

Expect more details as I figure out what the heck I’m talking about.

I’m Going to Need Some Help On This

Since I announced that I’m going to form Team Fatty, I have received a lot of email. All of it’s been helpful, and a huge amount of it’s been extremely generous. In fact, I think you’re going to find it pretty exciting what you might win by either joining or contributing to Team Fatty.

The thing is, right now I can’t handle all of this. I’m waaaaay behind on my replies and it’s getting worse. (People who have written to me already: please be patient and I’ll try to get back to you this weekend, events permitting.)

It’s almost as if I’m trying to maintain a job, take care of four children, take care of a sick wife, write a blog, and manage a big event/contest, all by myself.

I need some help from a few people who are willing to keep track of prizes, keep track of registration, and keep track of the four Team Fatties. If you’re willing to help me out, email me with what you’re good at.


The Velveeta Dilemma

One of the most difficult chores I have is finding foods that Susan will eat. Nothing really sounds good to her.

Except for one thing: Scrambled Eggs, prepared using my Grandma’s recipe. Susan has those every day. Because they are incredibly delicious.

The thing is, Grandma’s Scrambled Eggs are easy to prepare. Ridiculously easy, in fact. But until Susan got sick, I haven’t made them, ever.

Why? because Grandma’s Scrambled Eggs use Velveeta Cheeze. And I just couldn’t bring myself to buy or use Velveeta. I just couldn’t. Cheese shouldn’t be shaped like that. It shouldn’t taste like that. And it for sure shouldn’t be textured like that.

Velveeta, as far as I was concerned, is useful only as fish bait.

Now, I am not a foodie. Far from it. But still: Velveeta Cheeze is just gross.

Still, when I racked my brain trying to think of something soft and warm and comforting for Susan to eat, I thought of my Grandma’s Scrambled Eggs — just regular scrambled eggs, but with a little Velveeta instead of cheddar — and how nobody could resist them.

So I swallowed my pride and bought Velveeta for the first time in my life (I don’t fish a lot). And of course, the scrambled eggs turned out wonderfully. Warm, fluffy, mellow, and perfect. I make them for Susan every morning. And what she doesn’t eat, I finish off. And the kids, who don’t know any better, love these scrambled eggs without even having their irony alarms going off.

Which leaves me with a dilemma: how am I supposed to accept this new reality, this horrible, horrible truth? It pains me to say it, yet I know it is true:

Velveeta is a new staple at the Fat Cyclist household.


  1. Comment by Paul H | 11.14.2008 | 1:43 pm

    If it’s comfort food, eat it!

  2. Comment by jill | 11.14.2008 | 1:53 pm

    I secretly love processed cheese food.

    I’m excited how this team idea is coming together. It may be fun to actually try to make it to one of the events.

  3. Comment by Rick S. | 11.14.2008 | 1:54 pm

    we used velveeta to wrap my dogs pills in. It has many purposes.

  4. Comment by Ricky G. | 11.14.2008 | 1:57 pm

    “Fat” is your self-fulfilling prophecy.

  5. Comment by isela | 11.14.2008 | 1:57 pm

    hehehe, I think you are just going to have to accept it, embrace it, eat it and enjoy doing it. Have you tried the stuff in potato soup? It makes the soup taste tons better. Our staple here is cream cheese…yeah, it is just like velveeta cheese except white.

  6. Comment by PedalDork | 11.14.2008 | 1:59 pm

    If you have any left over, mix it with a can of Hormel Chili (no beans) and you have a wonderful tortilla chip dip. Its awesome. Survived on this and Ramen in college

  7. Comment by PissedOffCil | 11.14.2008 | 1:59 pm

    If it helps keep the family together in hard times I see no reason to spit on it.

  8. Comment by Julie | 11.14.2008 | 2:04 pm

    We love Velvetta in our house! I was raised on it, it’s what was cheap when I was a kid. Now my kids devour it too!!!

    Congrats on finding something Susan likes to eat.

    Win Susan!

  9. Comment by Annie | 11.14.2008 | 2:15 pm

    Hmm. I’d say, just thank God you found something that she likes to eat! And then enjoy it with her…

    I have bought it once in my life (it makes great broccoli cheese soup), and my husband acted like I’d betrayed him. I’m tempted to make it again and just not disclose the ingredients. :)

  10. Comment by Jeff | 11.14.2008 | 2:16 pm

    I’m finding myself fixated on one statement:

    “Velveeta, as far as I was concerned, is useful only as fish bait.”

    I’d like to get more details on that. What kind of fish do you catch with Velveeta? Does it stay on the hook well? Do you use a bobber or just let it lay on the bottom?

  11. Comment by USAFANARC | 11.14.2008 | 2:17 pm

    Thanks a lot, Fatty. I just had a nice healthy salad for lunch and now I’m craving nachos. Hot cheesy nachos. Great. The holidays aren’t even here yet and I’m going to start gaining weight. Fabulous.

    BTW, I just got my bibshorts and arm warmers in the mail. So, this weekend I will be sporting the Team Fatty kit as I hit the roads in Simi Valley, CA.

    One more thing, if there are any Team Fatties that want to ride the California Bikefest (put on by the Break Away from Cancer folks) on December 6th in Ventura, CA, let me know. Maybe we could all meet up for a Team Fatty group ride. Email me at

  12. Comment by SteveS | 11.14.2008 | 2:20 pm

    I just saw a commercial last night for Velveeta. A woman is in a grocery store, sawing products in half. Apparently, because economic times are tough, she is “cutting” back and doing more with less. Then she comes to the cheese aisle. She picks up a block of cheddar and a box of Velveeta and the announcers says that she can get twice as much Velveeta for the same price as the cheese. So she doesn’t cut anything in half and puts the Velveeta in her shopping cart.

    So in regard to your dilemma: just say that economic times are tough, so you’re choosing Velveeta in the short term until things turn around. That way, when people see the horrible stuff in your fridge, they’ll think more highly of you for your frugality. After all, that’s what the Velveeta company wants you to think, right?

  13. Comment by Woody | 11.14.2008 | 2:22 pm

    Embrace the comfort!!!

    PS – If you melt Velveeta with a can of Rotel tomatoes and a little garlic, makes a great dip!!

  14. Comment by eunicesara | 11.14.2008 | 2:27 pm

    Yeah, when I was little, and hadn’t developed a gourmet taste for imported cheeses I thought Velveeta WAS cheese. And, I have gone back to buying it occasionally because it DOES melt better on nachos.

    If the eggs are yummy, just feel the love. That’s what you really put in them, right?

  15. Comment by KanyonKris | 11.14.2008 | 2:28 pm

    Velveeta Unwraped – An in-depth look at one of the most vilified foods

    I don’t feel so well anymore.

  16. Comment by KanyonKris | 11.14.2008 | 2:28 pm

    Here’s the link:

  17. Comment by Jaime O. | 11.14.2008 | 2:32 pm

    lollllllllllllllll Poor Nelson family. The Velveeta trauma. I too, have moral issues with velveeta, but the problem is mom always made our grilled cheese sandwiches with velveeta. And now that i’m an adult, a real comfort food grilled cheese has to be made with velveeta. So…it’s in the back of my fridge, hiding.

  18. Comment by Brewinman | 11.14.2008 | 2:41 pm

    Are you kidding?!?! Velveeta rocks! Who cares that you really can’t tell what it’s made of. It tastes great! Plus, it makes a great doorstop in a pinch!

  19. Comment by Heidi Swift | 11.14.2008 | 2:50 pm

    I will add to the “embrace the velveeta” cry.
    While you’re at it, embrace the hot-dogs injected with Velveeta-like yellow substance. Cheese filled hot dogs?

  20. Comment by JT | 11.14.2008 | 2:58 pm

    It sounds like one of the grand tours..pretend your in Spain fuelling up for a mountain stage.

  21. Comment by Clint | 11.14.2008 | 2:58 pm

    Velveeta: The Holiest of Cheeses.

  22. Comment by the greg | 11.14.2008 | 3:00 pm

    dude! velveeta? gross! cheezy eggs though. would it help if i tried it fats? my wife likes potato cheese soup and everyone keeps telling me to use velveeta. i understand fatty. i really do.

  23. Comment by Lars | 11.14.2008 | 3:00 pm

    The ends justify the means (in this case at least).

  24. Comment by Scrod | 11.14.2008 | 3:01 pm

    I smell a new team fatty sponsor! Now, if we can just get some Spam to go with the Velveeta…

    Gotta go get some now!

  25. Comment by Andrea | 11.14.2008 | 3:01 pm

    It really helps if you don’t try to think of it as cheese because then you’ll just feel horrible. In fact, try not to think about it too much at all, just enjoy it. Come to think of it, I haven’t had a grilled cheese with Velveeta in years. I think I’ll pick some up.

  26. Comment by chtrich | 11.14.2008 | 3:02 pm

    As long as you like it, anything else about it doesn’t matter.

  27. Comment by Anonymous | 11.14.2008 | 3:03 pm

    really? velveeta? with all the other garbage food you’ve posted about you have a problem with velveeta?

  28. Comment by Bluenoser | 11.14.2008 | 3:05 pm

    As a Canadian I had to sit through endless Velveeta commercials. One gazillion ways to use Velveeta while reading recipes from Readers Digest.

    I still have nightmares.


  29. Comment by Don | 11.14.2008 | 3:06 pm

    Velveeta really is a wonderful thing, embrace your new found love!
    I used to LIVE ON Scrambled eggs w/ Velveeta (or other processed cheese).

  30. Comment by Aloha | 11.14.2008 | 3:08 pm

    Hey Scrod, are you from Hawaii? As I was reading the Velveeta comments I kept thinking about Spam!! Spam sushi is the best. You ought to try it, Fatty!!

  31. Comment by bikemike | 11.14.2008 | 3:09 pm

    all the people that poo-poo (pardon the pun) velveeta, probably, don’t like fried chicken either and that’s just un-american.

    you can take it with you on your mtn. bike instead of duct tape, so, you can eat it and fix flats with it.

    it makes the best ham and cheese sandwich you’ll ever have, unless you don’t use ham.

  32. Comment by Keith | 11.14.2008 | 3:10 pm

    Scrod: I was thinking the same thing, “Team Fatty — Powered by Velveeta”.

  33. Comment by TC (Lauren Dunn) | 11.14.2008 | 3:11 pm

    When reality is too weird to believe, you must embrace it! Embrace Reality!

  34. Comment by siouxgeonz | 11.14.2008 | 3:13 pm

    I’ve lurked but never posted before… but now, I must.
    Velveeta!!! Aaargh!!!
    Even the lowliest, though, has its place. Like Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer… it’s found its niche.
    My mom’s staple food was won ton soup. WHat’s good is good!

  35. Comment by Leslie | 11.14.2008 | 3:15 pm

    I haven’t even thought about Velveeta for YEARS and now I’m pretty sure I have to buy some ASAP for the fabulous Rotel dip/nachos and that deliciously gooey grilled cheese. You evil people!!!

  36. Comment by Clydesteve | 11.14.2008 | 3:16 pm

    I would stick with the Rick S profered excuse – “I use it to hide the dog’s pills in.” Really.

    But for real – whatever works. Susan took meds that make her swell up, and radiation that made her hair fall out – makes yucky Velveeta seem like kids stuff.

  37. Comment by Roo | 11.14.2008 | 3:17 pm

    I grew up on those eggs, and other wonderful things like sh** on a shingle, Spam, tuna casserole – and I’m fine and totally healthy (although I think I might glow in the dark)!

  38. Comment by Clydesteve | 11.14.2008 | 3:18 pm

    I hate the thought of the stuff, myself.

    But I still have a soft spot for toasted V sandwiches. Mmmmm…. roast Velveeta!

  39. Comment by Clydesteve | 11.14.2008 | 3:21 pm

    Here, this will make it better: On the new Team Fat Cyclist: fighting for Susan! team jerseys by Twin Six, the inside pocket can have the now-infamous battle cry: EMBRACE the Velveets!


  40. Comment by Clydesteve | 11.14.2008 | 3:22 pm

    poo s is next to the a

  41. Comment by craig | 11.14.2008 | 3:25 pm

    Fatty: can we haz recipe?

  42. Comment by Clydesteve | 11.14.2008 | 3:25 pm

    Also, in further answer to If you can’t attend the event, can you still be part of the team?

    Yes, you can even be a part of the team by just registering to ride or run/walk, joining the team, and raising money. There is no requirement to show up at all. (If you register to volunteer, it would be bad form to not show up, however.)

  43. Comment by sansauto | 11.14.2008 | 3:31 pm

    Here’s the question. I’m a college student and have been for way too long. I want to participate, although all of the rides are quite a ways a way. Would it be better for me to find $50 to join the team, or to donate $50 to someone who joined (and ask my friends to donate as well)?

  44. Comment by Dartanyon | 11.14.2008 | 3:39 pm

    Life changes, we adapt.

    Don’t think of it as cheese, just think of it as Grandma’s secret taste enhancer!

  45. Comment by Aaron | 11.14.2008 | 3:48 pm

    It does make the BEST Mac and Cheese EVER! Oh, and it’s good on brocolli too.


  46. Comment by AJ | 11.14.2008 | 3:49 pm

    Velveeta Grilled cheese dunked in Campbell’s tomato soup will drown nearly any sorrow, and even the occasional hangover.

  47. Comment by Paulie | 11.14.2008 | 3:50 pm

    What? No recipe?! Fatty, you must share with those who have yet to be hooked on cheese food product.

  48. Comment by GenghisKhan | 11.14.2008 | 3:55 pm

    Rick S. Dude, why’re you takin’ dog pills?!

  49. Comment by Charisa | 11.14.2008 | 3:55 pm

    Oh it’s good in pasta too! Don’t read the label though – it will FREAK you out!!! :)

  50. Comment by JAM | 11.14.2008 | 3:55 pm

    I thought is that if you don’t tell your kids what is in hot dogs, and they love them. don’t tell them what is in the eggs. They don’t care, you should’nt either.

  51. Comment by rexinsea | 11.14.2008 | 3:58 pm

    Would cream cheese rather than velveeta work? Or, just stay with Velveeta, whatever works.

  52. Comment by Clydesteve | 11.14.2008 | 3:59 pm

    sans – the answer is:

    It depends. If you are willing to humble yourself and beg for a good cause, the answer is clear – join with your $50, and then ask people you know, people that are not on this board, to donate $5, $10, $50, $100, $1000, whatever the market will bear, to your fund-raising site, which will add to Team Fat Cyclists’ total. That way, your $50 buys a resistration that counts towards the Team Messenger Award, and your fund raising goes towards the Team Champion Award.

    Have your cake & eat it too!

  53. Comment by Kevin | 11.14.2008 | 4:02 pm

    Accept it. When you start doing hits straight off a cheez whiz can, then you can start worrying.

  54. Comment by Bitter (formerly known as Lissee) | 11.14.2008 | 4:07 pm

    *gag* *retch* *gag some more*.

    Um, all for a good cause right? :)

    Glad to hear the team fatty teams are coming along!

  55. Comment by fatty | 11.14.2008 | 4:26 pm

    clydesteve – actually, the livestrong people are going to have a special “volunteer” class for team fatty for people who want to raise money but have no intention of attending the event. and that volunteer class will not need to foot the $50 registration fee. more on that soon.

    sansauto – for you, the answer will be to join the team as a volunteer (won’t cost you anything) and then donate the $50 to your page.

  56. Comment by Ks Grandma | 11.14.2008 | 4:28 pm

    Re: Velveeta. What I am reading in your blog leads me to believe that the staple in your household is intense love and caring. Velveeta is simply a tool to be used to maintain the staples. My hat is off to you and my heart reaches out to you and yours.

  57. Comment by Lifesgreat | 11.14.2008 | 4:40 pm

    I love Velveeta. I eat it as the cheese in grilled cheese sandwiches, I eat it with pasta, mixed with spaghetti sauce, I eat it plain with Fritos, I eat it with no bean chili, chiles, green onions and melted into a dip, I eat it on my sandwiches. I love Velveeta. One can love Velveeta and still be a decent person. At least I think I am a decent person. . .

  58. Comment by Al Maviva | 11.14.2008 | 4:44 pm

    What are you? BikeSnobUtah?

    You need to take a cue from Stevil Kinevil and understand that while upscale stuff may be great, you don’t need things to be upscale to be good. I’m not down with Stevil’s Pabst Blue Ribbon, but I am down with me, and an occasional suitcase of Miller High Life or Juengling – a couple beers so cheap that young chickens actually say “High Life” instead of “cheep.”

    If you need a cheese to bust the $5/pound barrier before you like it, you’re letting your superego overrule your tastebuds. Here’s a fun fact for ya: a fair few good French cheeses don’t run $5/pound. Here’s another fact for you – the only reason good cheese comes in wheels and wax, is it’s pressed in a round Frommade, a bucket. If you made the Frommade square, you’d get a square of cheese. Cheese is basically mucky milk scum that is pressed until it’s solid. Doesn’t matter what shape it is. If you take the same muck, press it, then grind it up and run it through a square extruding machine, it’s the same old cheese, just a little more industrial style.

    None of this is to defend Velveeta, the lowlife of cheeses. It’s not a sophisticated cheese. It’s flavor is simple, direct, and unsophisticated. But then, so is a good tomato’s. Velveeta stands on its own merits, or lack thereof. In the right milieu, it is tasty indeed, and there’s no making good nachos or cheesy grits without it, and if you’re bucking up the Mac & Cheese for the kids, making Cheese & Mac & Cheese, it’s the cheese of choice. I will have to try the omelets, that sounds lovely.

    So if your wife wants to eat Velveeta, and if you like it, eat it, enjoy it, and don’t worry about what your formerly snobby self (or your cheesy friends) would think about it. Life’s too short to try to live up to the culinary standards of the NY Times weekend section, or some guy who reads that section occasionally and high handedly dismisses Velveeta.

    For my next trick, I’ll explain why you should appreciate Spam, without citing Monty Python or rhyming it with “damn.” And I’m not even Hawaiian. Ma’halo.

  59. Comment by Kim | 11.14.2008 | 4:45 pm

    The absolute best part of having velveeta lurking in the fridge- it’s like twinkies. The stuff does not spoil. That way, when you need the comfort only velveeta can bring- it’s waiting for you. Just like Grandma and her unconditional love.

  60. Comment by Steve | 11.14.2008 | 4:47 pm

    I curse my sister for teaching me how to make this “recipe” ( a recipe that only requires you to melt cheese and stir things together isn’t). A dip made from Velveeta, tomatoes and green chilies. You can feel your arteries clog as you eat it. I hope that by sharing it here, I can somehow pass it along like some sort of curse and break its hold on me.


    1 lb. pasteurized processed cheese spread, (Velveeta), cut into 1″ cubes
    1 can (10 oz.) Diced or Whole RO*TEL Tomatoes & Green Chilies
    In a saucepan, combine ingredients; stir over low heat until cheese spread is melted.
    Serve with tortilla chips, crackers, or vegetables.
    Microwave: Place ingredients in a covered casserole. Microwave on HIGH until
    cheese spread is melted, about 5 minutes, stirring once.

  61. Comment by graisseux | 11.14.2008 | 5:12 pm

    I’ve never bought Velveeta myself so I was quite surprised to find it sitting on a grocery store shelf in a NON-REFRIGERATED AISLE!!! I guess I always assumed it would be in the refrigerated dairy section with the other cheeses–but I guess it’s not really “Cheese.”

    Oh well, if it’s tasty, I’ve got nothing wrong with eating it. After all, I too enjoy some tasty Spam every now and again. I’ve had the Velveeta-Rotel Tomato dip while watching a football game or two, it’s very good.

  62. Comment by Maria | 11.14.2008 | 5:20 pm

    Well hey, I’m in good company if Susan likes it too because I love velveeta cheese! Sometimes when the craving strikes for a little snack I just squeeze out a little mustard on a slice of velveeta and roll it up. Well, actually, it breaks if you try to roll it. So just let it split itself up and ENJOY! But if you’re going to include the full recipe of Fatty’s Granny Scramble, could you please include a picture? Do you just lay the slice on top of the scrambled eggs, or do you scramble it in?

  63. Comment by Jenn | 11.14.2008 | 5:49 pm

    I understand your Velveeta pain, I really do. But it sounds like this time you should just ignore what you know and enjoy making something Susan likes to eat. And enjoy a bit of that tasty business yourself!

  64. Comment by Emily | 11.14.2008 | 6:10 pm

    Somehow Velveeta just seems like the wrong deli product to use… it offends my dairy-state sensibility to be wasting cheese (even if it is cheeze) that way. In Wisconsin we used baloney as fish bait.

  65. Comment by ricky | 11.14.2008 | 6:12 pm

    it’s clear, velveeta’s the new mild cheddar. wait…

  66. Comment by Paula Kirsch | 11.14.2008 | 6:34 pm

    Elden, just thank God for Grandma and her Velveeta eggs. It’s just so simple, you should know this by now :-)


  67. Comment by nosferaustin | 11.14.2008 | 6:43 pm

    I’m with Woody, makes a great dip. Haven’t had it in years, though…not since I started liking my health.


  68. Comment by sk8ermom3 | 11.14.2008 | 6:47 pm

    I hope you have cleared space in the garage for all the Velveeta that is probably on its way to you already.
    Never had the stuff that I’m aware of, but I’m all about comfort food, so keep scrambling if Susan will eat it!

  69. Comment by Kathleen | 11.14.2008 | 7:33 pm

    I hear ya Fatty…torn. But whatever makes Susan happy is golden is this world. Go Chef Fatty!

  70. Comment by hana | 11.14.2008 | 8:09 pm

    Well, it ain’t true unless you post the recipe! (or perhaps get one of your posse or blogroll buddies to do that for ya.)
    And I suggest fried spam as a good greasy contracting color protein with that.

  71. Comment by joe blow | 11.14.2008 | 8:28 pm


    Cheese can easily be shaped in rectangles. Its just how its cut.
    But, yes, its not really cheese, its processed milk protein. Its not without uses: it melts well for nachos and related coated things, its creamy, etc. If it really bugs you, try some other cheese that melts easily (Brie, Mozzarella, etc.) Or just stay with Velveeta. Worry about the negative health effects of Velveeta (high BP, heart disease, etc.), when they come. Carpe Diem, etc.

  72. Comment by Dobovedo | 11.14.2008 | 8:35 pm

    Mmm.. Velveeta – I’m thinking of that line from the Blues Brothers… “you bring me my Cheese-Whiz boy?” My favorite line in the whole movie.

    Awesome news about all four events! I just got spousal approval, so I’m in for Philly.

    I’m so excited about Dec. 1 that I’d almost give up Turkey Day to get there. (OK, that part was a lie.)

  73. Comment by MikeonhisBike | 11.14.2008 | 8:54 pm

    Has anyone ever thought of Velveeta Smoothies? I’m sure the health properties of Velveeta increase if it’s in Smoothie form.


  74. Comment by John | 11.14.2008 | 10:15 pm

    Thanks Fatty. As far as I know they don’t sell Velveeta here in Australia. Up until today I had never heard of the stuff. My curiosity piqued, I followed some of the informative links, and now I have some idea what it is. There’s no way I’d ever eat it, with or without eggs.

    But then, I’m amazed that anyone would spoil scrambled eggs by putting cheese in it, let alone processed non-cheese. Cultural differences, I guess.

    Seriously though, whatever works is good. Susan’s eating and you’re passing on a proud Nelson family tradition at the same time. Don’t fight it!

  75. Comment by Jenni | 11.14.2008 | 10:18 pm

    I’m so hungry right now I don’t think I can sleep. And I’ve never even had Velveeta.

    Sounds like the new breakfast of champions.

  76. Comment by Deborah | 11.14.2008 | 10:19 pm

    Yay! Welcome to the cheesy side. Velveeta rocks! There is an awesome really-bad-for-you recipe using said cheese: a block of velveeta, cut up in cubes, a large jar of salsa, 1 lb. of browned ground beef, 1 can of cheddar cheese soup. Put all of the above in a crockpot, melt till smooth, and dip mass tortilla chips in it! I’ll eat bowl after bowl until I get sick.

    But I digress…I’m glad Susan likes Velveeta too, in her scrammy eggs. But I have to have ketchup with them. Weird I know.

    But continued thoughts and prayers to you and Susan!

  77. Comment by Tim E | 11.14.2008 | 10:54 pm

    Like Andrea said: don’t think of it as cheese. It’s just Velveeta! To the people freaking out at the ingredients: compared to a lot of “food” out there, this stuff is simplicity itself!

    And Rotel dip…mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm. Chop a couple of blocks of Velveeta into a slow cooker, add an equal number of cans of Rotel, have chips and veggies on the side, and you’ll be welcome at any gathering!

    And Deborah – of course ketchup goes with scrambled eggs! Anybody with any taste at all knows that!

  78. Comment by Joi Gem | 11.14.2008 | 11:00 pm

    Velveeta! Eggs of champions!

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

  79. Comment by LidsB2 | 11.14.2008 | 11:27 pm

    Velveeta works great in a crock-pot. Toss some in with some browned hamburger and a can of Ro-Tel — that’s good eatin’. Best of all, it’s fat-free and low-cal! It’s truly irresistible. I’m taking a pot with me to work tomorrow. I’ll be a hero…just like I’ll be a hero in Austin next October. Go Team Fatty! Giddyup.

  80. Comment by Di | 11.15.2008 | 1:27 am

    “If you can’t attend the event, can you still be part of the team? You bet you can. You’ll be able to sign up as a volunteer and still help raise money for the team.”

    I’m really glad you clarified this, because I already made up my mind I wanted to help out, but I can’t make it to an event. I live, well, far away from everything.

  81. Comment by Steph | 11.15.2008 | 2:13 am

    I completely understand the Velveeta aversion.

    We grew up eating Broccoli Casserole; loved it, but can’t stomach making it now…it’s basically broccoli, Ritz crackers, and Velveeta (blech.) Oh, and butter, lol.

  82. Comment by Jeff | 11.15.2008 | 6:39 am

    Al Maviva is totally BikeSnob NYC!

  83. Comment by Carolyn Online | 11.15.2008 | 7:54 am

    My favorite part is that it’s spelled “Cheeze.”

  84. Comment by ChefJT | 11.15.2008 | 8:03 am

    As an American Culinary Federation Certified Executive Chef (yes, this is a real organization and designation.. amazing!) I can unequivocally state that any recipe from someone’s grandmother rocks. That your wife enjoys it is what’s important.

    PS. My wife’s signature dish~Minute Rice tossed with a can of V-8 Juice.

    God Bless you all.

  85. Comment by blorgh | 11.15.2008 | 8:43 am

    Mmmmmm Velveeta. Funny thing, I was trying to buy velveeta for the first time in my life as well (I had some queso at a restaurant that I wanted to try recreating for a party), and I couldn’t figure out where to find it in the grocery store. It wasn’t with normal cheese, and it wasn’t with crackers.

    I went home defeated.

    But congratulations on finding food that Susan can eat!

  86. Comment by BotchedExperiment | 11.15.2008 | 8:43 am

    Al, I’ve never eaten any milieu (with or without velveeta). How do you make them?

  87. Comment by Dr Codfish | 11.15.2008 | 9:47 am

    “Now, I am not a foodie. Far from it. But still: Velveeta Cheeze is just gross.”

    I’m with Al on this one; if you suffer a ‘Velveeta dillemma’, you’ve got problems you aren’t even aware of. Worse than being a food snob, I suspect you may be a closet food snob. Clearly you have drifted a little too far from your gramma’s apron strings.

    Not sure about you but every once in a while when I get a little too full of myself, I think about Nanna and I get a little metaphoroical smack on the fanny. She kept me in line and God bless her, the gift of tough love just keeps on giving.

    Cheese snobs are right up there at the food snob pinnacle, arguing incessently with the wine snobs about whom is more discerning … gag me with a can o’ spam!

    PS: See you at the start line in Seattle on the 19th. I’ll bring a zip loc baggie of ‘veeta bloks’ you can tuck in your jersey pocket for when your mojo starts flaggin’.

    Yr Pal Dr Codfish

  88. Comment by snobound | 11.15.2008 | 10:34 am

    There’s nothin’ wrong with Velveeta. For crying out loud – people are more than willing to stuff disgusting stuff down their gob as an effort to be “healthy”, so why is it so bad to consume delicious food even if it is going to kill you? I’d rather be fat and happy than think and miserable! Rock on Velveeta!

  89. Comment by Clydesteve | 11.15.2008 | 11:17 am

    AL Malviva – Isn’t it kind of elitist to put the apostrophe in Mahalo? Or were you being ironic?

    When in the Navy, our sub came in to Pearl Harbor. All the trash cans on the base were brightly painted, and said Mahalo! on them. We thought it was the polynesian word for “Trash Can”.

    Thank You

  90. Comment by elise | 11.15.2008 | 1:23 pm

    Growing up, only two things were certain in my house.

    1) Every Christmas Eve, we would have liver and onions for supper (or the “Big Guy” wouldn’t come to our house. Yes, we were gullible children)

    2) Every Christmas we would make what we called Mouse Fudge- yes, a dark-chocolate fudge made with Velveeta Cheese.

    While the ‘liver and onions’ tradition ended the day I left the house and vowed never to return, each year Mouse Fudge is a standard at this house. True to Velveeta nature, it is all but impossible to mess it up, it has a half-life roughly equal that to plutonium, and can be used in certain small countries as money. The recipe follows- don’t be alarmed, the sensation you’re feeling as you read the recipe is, indeed, the feeling of your arteries hardening, but it is oh-so-worth it.

    * 2 cups (2 sticks) butter, softened
    * 16 ounces pasteurized process cheese, Velveeta, cubed
    * 3 pounds confectioners’ sugar, about 5 cups unsifted
    * 1 cup unsweetened cocoa
    * 1 cup non-fat dry milk
    * 3 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
    * 2 cups coarsely chopped pecans

    In a large saucepan over medium heat butter and cheese cubes together, stirring frequently; remove from heat. Sift together confectioners’ sugar and cocoa; add to cheese, mixing well. Stir in non-fat dry milk, vanilla and nuts. Spread onto a cookie sheet, chill until firm and cut into squares. Makes about 4 pounds of fudge.

    Oh, for the record, it is better after it has been frozen for a day, you can substitute the dry non-fat milk for 1/2 cup of regular 2% or whole milk, and the children of my family have all received extensive mental health counseling regarding the unfortunate “Christmas Eve Liver and Onions Dinner” episodes we endured as children.

    Enjoy- and please know that we’re thinking of you and yours.

  91. Comment by Philly Jen | 11.15.2008 | 3:01 pm

    Yes, I’m totally on board with the Velveeta Fudge. My recipe is even more basic, and does not call for the powdered milk. I make it with my microwave…and love, of course. Whenever I bring a batch to the office, it’s gone in the blink of an eye.

    Anyone joining the Philly wing of Team Fat Cyclist will have the opportunity to partake of some fabulous Velveeta Fudge next August — if you dare.

    (@ Signore Maviva: If you ride in Philly, you’ll find Yuengling in every bar in town. And Mozart around every corner.)

  92. Comment by Nina in Ohio | 11.15.2008 | 5:47 pm

    I’m a healthy eater but I will admit to a Burger King fix about once a month!

  93. Comment by ann | 11.15.2008 | 6:17 pm

    I don’t see the moral conflict – you eat bratwurst, don’t you? Faux food – or a mash-up of ingredients you don’t want to identify, right?

  94. Comment by Other Jared | 11.15.2008 | 8:20 pm

    There’s nothing wrong with classic comfort food Fatty.

    I still love grilled cheese (kraft singles, which are related to valveeta) with my spaghettio’s, or some fried corned beef hash, or frito chili pie, or rotel, or shite on a shingle, or beans and franks…… Sorry mind wandered there. I think I’m drooling, and I’m hungry for some strange reason.

    Somone needs to call Al Maviva out though for endorsing the “High Life”. That’s just wrong.

    BTW I second the people saying rotel needs ground beef. I also up the ante by proclaiming that Chorizo works amazingly well in it too.

  95. Comment by gail | 11.16.2008 | 7:32 am

    I am with you 100% in discovering and using Velveeta to make eggs creamy and palatable for Susan. I am also with you 100% in your horror at feeding it to your kids. My 2-year old granddaughter came home from day care the other day and her mother overheard her in her play kitchen cooking with pretend Cheez Whiz — we were as shocked as if she’d dropped the F word. Maybe more. We thought we had protected her from that kind of pollution. Fake cheese not only melts into eggs, it spreads and takes over the world. Beware.

  96. Comment by neca | 11.16.2008 | 11:52 am

    I share your horror. I have discovered a wonderful thing at my local farmer’s market – freshly made (not aged) cheddar cheese. It’s generally made the day before when I buy it. It is very soft, has a very mild flavor, and it melts just as gooey and soft as processed cheese food product! But hey – if it makes Susan happy, who cares??? :-)

  97. Comment by Donald | 11.17.2008 | 3:41 am

    What works… works. It’s great that Susan likes Grandma’s eggs and it means she’s getting food in her. When you see that… It is Easy being Cheezy.

  98. Comment by rich | 11.17.2008 | 8:20 am

    Velveeta rocks! It’s like the perfect food – no refrigeration required, can be melted into dip, onto sandwiches, mixed with eggs and numerous other goodies as well as formed into perfect little balls that stay on a hook forever and will attract trout, catfish, carp and evidently cyclists….

  99. Comment by Dan O | 11.17.2008 | 8:53 am

    Fatty, it doesn’t matter as long as she’s eating. My grandmother used Velveeta too! Even though I haven’t used it years, I still remember the taste in the things she used it in, WONDEFULL. Everything in moderation!

    I used my new Fatcyclist jersey yesterday, it was awesome.

    Keep up the fight, and win this for Susan.

    Life is good

  100. Comment by Speedbuggy3 | 11.17.2008 | 3:58 pm

    Tis sometimes best to embrace the horror Fatty.

    And besides, she eats and she enjoys.
    You’re a good man mister. You’ve got a great family and we all love you guys even if we’ve never crossed paths with you.

    Xs n Os

  101. Comment by Matt | 11.17.2008 | 4:56 pm

    Hi Elden:
    OK, you have to try this for youreself at least: one can of Ro-Tel tomatoes and chilies, and one brick of Velveeta. Put in a bowl, then microwave the bowl until everything is mixed. Serve with Tostitos. Yum…

  102. Comment by Beth from the Funny Farm | 11.17.2008 | 6:56 pm

    LMAO at the person who wrote they wrap valvetta around their dog’s pills.

    I ate the stuff as a child. Haven’t bought the stuff as an adult. But it does make an excellent nacho dip — combine salsa and velveta in the microwave. Damn.. I may have to do this once again in my lifetime…

  103. Comment by Beth from the Funny Farm | 11.17.2008 | 6:57 pm

    Wow.. I spell like a Nigerian…

  104. Comment by regina | 11.18.2008 | 9:43 am

    aaaahahahahahahha funny stuff. Sadly another velveeta truth, it makes the best beer cheese soup too. because even though you may add some quality cheese for flavor without velveeta, it turns into greese soup when the cheeses separate.

  105. Comment by Kt | 11.18.2008 | 12:49 pm

    As a child, here’s what we had:

    Velveeta in tuna casserole with crunched up potato chips on top… delicious.

    Velveeta in green bean casserole with crunched up Ritz crackers on top…. delicious.

    When I make tuna casserole or green bean casserole, I leave out the velveeta and the crunched up snack foods… and it’s still delicious.

    Now, grilled cheese sammiches made with Kraft singles… THAT’S comfort food. Yummy.

    Hm. I’m hungry now.

    Oh, a question on the Team Fatty thing: if we sign up for the team but can’t make it to the ride because it’s just too far away, can we get together with other local team-members who also don’t want to travel for a day-of-the-official-ride-local-ride?

    WIN, Susan!!!

  106. Comment by annonymous | 12.3.2008 | 3:00 pm

    “FORK” over the recipe, Fatty! So glad to hear she loves them!


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