I See No Point In Waiting to Know Whether I’ve Won Before Accepting the Bloggie Award for Best Sports Blog

03.16.2009 | 2:00 am

A Note from Fatty: Why don’t you help a few Friends of Fatty get free blogger entries into the Breck Epic? Click here and then vote for Neil Miner, Team Dicky (aka Rich Dillen), and Jen Hanks. It costs you nothing to vote, and they’ll appreciate it.

Update: I won! I won I won I won I won!

Thanks everyone. Seriously. And thanks especially to Jeff for going up there and actually reading at least a little bit of the speech. I would never have done that for him.

Update 2: MY SISTER JODI WON TOO! Best Kept Secret. I do not apologize for writing that in all caps.

Today (Monday) is the day the 2009 Bloggie winners are announced. And while I have no idea of whether I have won (Best Sports Blog) or not, I am utterly convinced that I ought to be the winner.

And, luckily, Jeff Hadfield — who has been a good friend of mine for right around 25 years now — will be at the convention where they’re announcing winners and, presumably, handing out eight-foot-tall trophies made of solid platinum.

I have asked Jeff to give the following speech if I win. And, if I don’t win, I have asked him to get up, battle his way to the front, and — using the megaphone which I have supplied him — give the speech anyway.

Hey, when you’ve been friends for 25 years, you get to ask for some pretty big favors.

The Speech

Thank you. Thank you, thanks. You’re too kind. No, please, sit down.

[Wait for applause to finally die down. This may take a few minutes.]

Again, thank you.

This is not the first Bloggie the Fat Cyclist — or “Fatty,” as he likes to be called, for some reason which has never been satisfactorily explained — has won. And, provided that he can continue to get The Pioneer Woman to link to him from time to time, and as long as bribery and extortion are not specifically prohibited as methods to procure votes, it will not be his last.

[Wait for applause and appreciative laughter to subside. Make slight bow to Pioneer Woman.]

Fatty would first of all like to thank everyone who voted for him. Further, he would like to do this individually, and in person. It may take a while. Please be patient.

He’d also like to thank everyone who’s joined and is working on fundraising with Team Fatty for the Lance Armstrong Foundation. Together, Team Fatty has raised nearly $140,000 toward fighting cancer so far this year. Which is not bad for a blog consisting mostly of fake news, fake open letters, and semi-true stories about an obscure sport.

And now, I believe I shall begin to drink.

[Take long tug from bottle concealed in brown paper bag. Shudder.]

Next, Fatty wants to thank his advertisers for…advertising.

[Take a drink. Put the bottle down as if to begin speaking, then instead to drink again.]

Fatty feels this would be an exceptional time to thank God for inventing the avocado. He has spent some time trying to imagine a more delicious and perfect food, and cannot. Although cashews come pretty close, and Nutella’s right there in the mix.

But Fatty isn’t thanking God for Nutella. The thanks for Nutella go to Ferrero. Thanks, Ferrero!

[Drink again. Begin speaking louder.]

Fatty would also like to thank those who nominated him for Best Sports Blog. At the same time, Fatty would like to apologize for blogging about Sports very rarely. Furthermore, Fatty would like to concede that cycling, at least the way he does it, can barely be called a sport at all.

[Drink again. Grab the podium for support.]

As long as he is apologizing, Fatty would like to apologize on behalf of cyclists everywhere for wearing tight black lycra shorts. While Fatty does not think he bears any particular responsibility for this general transgression, he does understand the anger and frustration these shorts cause, and feels that someone ought to apologize.

[Drink. Fall down. Use podium to climb back up into standing position. Begin yelling into the microphone (or megaphone) as if your voice were not being amplified.]

None of what I just said should be in any way construed as Fatty giving up this Bloggie. It’s his. You can’t have it. Go get your own.

[Drink, fall down, and go to sleep.]


  1. Comment by Liberty on Bikes!/bob | 03.16.2009 | 3:30 am

    I’m sure you won!
    BUT, I’m not sure what you’re doing up at this hour?
    must be the hour genius stikes.
    So, do you get a champion ring?
    You could have a jeweler put them all together,
    kind of like the brass knuckle of bike blogging.
    Go to bed Fatty.

  2. Comment by Leon | 03.16.2009 | 3:50 am

    i agree, go to bed and tomorrow when you wake up there’ll be that eight-foot, titanium trophy outside your door.


  3. Comment by aussie kev | 03.16.2009 | 3:52 am

    you are a winner


  4. Comment by Paula Kirsch | 03.16.2009 | 4:11 am

    Enough about the bloggies, Dave Brower deserved to win anyway.

  5. Comment by Mike Roadie | 03.16.2009 | 5:36 am

    Well then, congratulations!!

  6. Comment by Big Boned | 03.16.2009 | 6:09 am

    Titanium…so passe. Haven’t you heard of Carbon Fiber?

  7. Comment by Jenny-Jenny | 03.16.2009 | 7:07 am

    Do you think you could melt down the trophy and make rings for all of your faithful readers? Or maybe Susan could add parts of it to her bracelets…

  8. Comment by drapisking | 03.16.2009 | 7:40 am

    i don’t think i have ever read such a graceful acceptance speech. fatty, you are an inspiration to us all.

  9. Comment by WheelDancer | 03.16.2009 | 7:54 am

    Congrats on thinking you won, great acceptance speech!

    I particularly like the apology for lycra shorts, it had to be said.

  10. Comment by RunToFinish | 03.16.2009 | 8:14 am

    ok I saw this title and had to read, it did not disappoint!

  11. Comment by Jen | 03.16.2009 | 8:27 am

    Fatty, in our eyes you already are a winner. Besides Pioneer Woman was mentioning that she is more than willing to pick up your award for you….


  12. Comment by KanyonKris | 03.16.2009 | 9:07 am

    I don’t care what anyone says, you’re a class act, Fatty. Better to burn out than fade away.

    Jenny-Jenny: no ring for me! Have you not read/watched Lord of the Rings? “One ring to rule them all and in the darkness bind them.” Is this ringing any bells?

  13. Comment by Tom in SJ | 03.16.2009 | 9:18 am

    This is a sports blog?

  14. Comment by GenghisKhan | 03.16.2009 | 9:25 am

    Fatty, in my heart, you will always be a weiner.

    As to tight black shorts, I think you’ve already reported the other day around “one o’clock”(and shown us) why it’s certainly a heckuva a lot better than white shorts!

  15. Comment by GenghisKhan | 03.16.2009 | 9:35 am

    Oops, that’s “winer”…

  16. Comment by GenghisKhan | 03.16.2009 | 9:36 am

    Crikey these fat fingers–”winner”–you’re a winner!

    Though, in further thought, a good Nathan’s or Hebrew Nation ain’t a bad thing to be…

  17. Comment by kiwi | 03.16.2009 | 9:45 am

    Nutella…..best way to eat it…..with a spoon from the jar hmmmmmmmmm Nutalla!

    Win SUSAN!


  18. Comment by bikemike | 03.16.2009 | 10:14 am

    YEAH (hick!) GET OFF MY LAWN…dagnabit.

  19. Comment by Mark S | 03.16.2009 | 10:43 am

    The trophy is PLATINUM, not Titanium. Titanium is too precios to waste it on a trophy, whereas some people think Platinum has high monetary value. This will allow Fatty to break off pieces of his trophy and sell them for new bike components. It will also allow him to invent stories explaining the damages to the trophy for future blog posts (i.e. As I was riding through the high sierras I came upon a grizzly bear, her cubs and the 2009 Astana team. Luckily I had my bloggie award with me so I was able to …).

  20. Comment by Les | 03.16.2009 | 11:20 am

    You win in my books! Thanks for the comic relief from the insanity known as my “day job”.

    Oh …… dear —– you were only kidding I hope!


  21. Comment by p.j. | 03.16.2009 | 11:22 am

    Congratulations on an excellent speech! I hope Jeff gets to give it exactly as scripted.
    Does anyone post the video of the awards? I’d love to see Jeff’s performance.
    Take care, and congratulations on your writing. You are a winner in my book. As is Susan: WIN Susan!

  22. Comment by LidsB2 | 03.16.2009 | 11:33 am


    “Better to burn out than fade away” Might that be a Def Leppard reference? Lord of the Rings is fine, but 80’s Rock — that’s the cat’s meow. Giddyup!


  23. Comment by Big Boned | 03.16.2009 | 11:54 am

    Lids –
    Older than that…Neil Young “Out of the Blue” from Rust Never Sleeps (1979)…But I may be dating myself here!
    Big Boned

  24. Comment by MOCougFan | 03.16.2009 | 11:54 am

    I think “Better to burn out than fade away” was Neil Young. Better get back “on the steel horse that [you] ride”. That’s a classic 80’s tune. See you both next month. Shaeffer calls.

    Good post FC. Good to have your humor back. Missed you. Hope Susan is well. Hope to see you at the end of next month as well. If possible.

  25. Comment by kat | 03.16.2009 | 12:22 pm

    pioneerwoman just twittered that you won!!! congrats! and that your sister won, too!

  26. Comment by MOCougFan | 03.16.2009 | 12:36 pm

    Congrats Fatty!!!!

  27. Comment by canadian | 03.16.2009 | 12:36 pm

    way to go fatty……and I love your website…going to check it out now…happy parting with sis..

  28. Comment by blinddrew | 03.16.2009 | 12:49 pm

    ok, i’m confused. did you, or did you not win?
    And congrats to your sister :¬)

  29. Comment by LCA | 03.16.2009 | 12:52 pm


  30. Comment by PeckishCyclist | 03.16.2009 | 1:13 pm

    Congratulations, Fatty–well deserved!!

  31. Comment by LidsB2 | 03.16.2009 | 1:15 pm

    Wow, simultaneous rock education. No, this isn’t just a “sports blog”. Now I know how my kids feel when I tell them their favorite “new” songs aren’t really so new. But, MOCougFan, it may take Bon Jovi and Def Leppard on the iPod to get me up those switchbacks next month. I can’t wait.

    Congrats, Fatty. Your post appears to have been prophetic. Now wake up and get off the floor!

  32. Comment by bikemike | 03.16.2009 | 1:21 pm

    “better to burn out than fade away” was also in the first Highlander movie…fyi

  33. Comment by Paul Gutman | 03.16.2009 | 1:33 pm

    I’m struggling with the part where I just bought Fatty bibshorts and now he’s apologizing for them. That’s awkward. Also–expensive.

  34. Comment by Paul Gutman | 03.16.2009 | 1:34 pm

    (And oh boy do I sound like a jerk. Please excuse me: I thought I was being witty.)

  35. Comment by Kt | 03.16.2009 | 1:37 pm

    Hey, KanyonKris, you’re forgetting something about the ring– or Ring:

    There were 7 made for the dwarves, 3 made for the elves, and 9 made for men. And the ONE RING was to rule them ALL.

    So you see, Fatty can melt his trophy down and make rings out of them, but he’ll only get to make 19 and I can’t wait to see who he designates as dwarves, elves, and men. :)

    Yes. I am a geek.

    I would hope that Fatty would use his powers for good, not evil.

    And yes, I too thought Def Lepard when I saw the “better to burn out than fade away” line. Yes, I like 80s music. You wanna make something of that?

  36. Comment by KanyonKris | 03.16.2009 | 1:40 pm

    Re: “Better to burn out than fade away”

    I had Def Leopard in mind, but appreciate the Neil Young and Highlander movie references. Happy to be among my own kind. Meaning people with good taste. AKA in my age group.

    Now get off my lawn, ya punk kids and yer rap music!

  37. Comment by nono | 03.16.2009 | 1:55 pm

    Congratulations on your win! I discovered your blog via Pioneer Woman, and have been reading and enjoying your writing ever since. It’s been somewhat of a learning curve for me as I do not partake in the sport of biking myself, but it’s your stories of life and the humor with it that keep me returning.
    Win Susan!

  38. Comment by Clydesteve | 03.16.2009 | 2:23 pm

    this speech was ok. it was kind of slow going at first, but picked up towards the end. as far as grand spectacles, anyway. (assuming your friend Jeff delivered this speech as scripted.)

  39. Comment by Aaron | 03.16.2009 | 3:30 pm

    Congrats on the win!
    Perhaps Twin Six can make a modification on the Team Fatty shorts. Have the words, “I apologize” written across the butt.

  40. Comment by Shellyg8r | 03.16.2009 | 3:49 pm

    YEAH!!!!! Go Team Fatty!! WIn Susan!!

  41. Comment by Kate | 03.16.2009 | 4:47 pm

    Extraordinary people do extraordinary things and 2 in one family!


    And now I want a Ferrero Rocher and an avocado to

    Fantastic speech.


  42. Comment by bobbieh | 03.16.2009 | 5:25 pm


  43. Comment by Born 4Lycra | 03.16.2009 | 6:06 pm

    I hope there is some feedback regards the crowd reaction to the part of the speech Jeff did make. I really hope he had the brown paper bag prop. Congrats to Jodi also. Very funny blog today – i really needed it. Thanks. FC wins Okay.

  44. Comment by Kali Durga | 03.16.2009 | 6:11 pm

    Congratulations, Elden! And thank you for whichever post of yours or comment from her or whatever led me over to her blog. The two of you make me wish I could wave a magic wand and become a part of your family.

    Oh, and thank you also for apologizing for black lycra on all of our behalf.

  45. Comment by annette | 03.16.2009 | 6:34 pm

    Congrats and cheers!

  46. Comment by Julie | 03.16.2009 | 7:01 pm

    Congrats! We already knew you were the best!!

  47. Comment by Erine | 03.16.2009 | 7:33 pm

    Congrats, Fatty. Well deserved-

  48. Comment by Hilslug | 03.16.2009 | 7:38 pm

    In honor of your victory, our dinner had avocado in it. Actually, it was already on the family menu, but congratulations anyway.

  49. Comment by Kathleen | 03.16.2009 | 7:41 pm

    First off – CONGRATS! And don’t forget us, your loyal subjects, when the wave of newbies arrive tomorrow…

    Jeff rocks!

  50. Comment by stuckinmypedals | 03.16.2009 | 7:51 pm

    Aaron-I would totally wear a pair of shorts with an apology on the butt. It gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “my sorry butt”. Sign me up.

    Congrats, Fatty. WIN SUSAN!

  51. Comment by Linda | 03.16.2009 | 8:29 pm

    Congrats! I’m happy for you and your sister.

    Win Susan!

  52. Comment by Marianne | 03.16.2009 | 9:10 pm

    Congratulations to you and your sister! I love your site, Fatty!

  53. Comment by Ohiorider | 03.16.2009 | 9:29 pm

    That is the best acceptance speech I have ever read! The drinking was a nice touch too.

  54. Comment by Susie | 03.16.2009 | 10:42 pm


  55. Comment by BrindiCruiser | 03.16.2009 | 11:11 pm

    yay. Good for you. Good for us to. Love your work.

  56. Comment by KanyonKris | 03.16.2009 | 11:24 pm

    The Bloggies were covered on WIRED and Fat Cyclist got a mention:

    “Fat Cyclist blogger “Fatty” won in the Sports category, but couldn’t be in Austin Monday, so he posted his acceptance speech on his blog. His friend Jeff Hadfield, wearing a Fat Cyclist bike jersey, read it aloud for the crowd as he scrolled through the text on his mobile phone.”


    Did Jeff act out the drunk scenes written for him?

  57. Comment by Saso | 03.17.2009 | 3:12 am


  58. Comment by DeborahB | 03.17.2009 | 5:58 am

    Congrats Fatty!! Well deserved and worthy you are! Love the site, and apparently so does everyone else. Yay!

  59. Comment by Robert | 03.17.2009 | 7:20 am

    Congratulations on your Weblog win….

  60. Comment by Rachel | 03.17.2009 | 12:38 pm

    Congrats on the win! Awesome news.

    From the Sportgenic family

  61. Comment by blair | 03.19.2009 | 1:28 am

    Hey, I voted for you.

    Or was that CuteOverload.Com?


Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.