My Speech Still Needs Work

08.20.2009 | 12:07 pm

A Note from Fatty: This Monday, I’ll be unveiling the 2010 Fat Cyclist jerseys, and a whole bunch more. They’ll be available for pre-order right away, and will arrive well before Thanksgiving. Here are a few sneak previews into what you’ll be seeing:

  • The orange/black/white color scheme will make a triumphant return
  • The Team Fatty (pink/black/white) version will be available at the same time as the standard version
  • Fat Cyclist water bottles will now be using the Camelbak Podium bottles that I love so much
  • Stickers!

More info and maybe even a sneak peek into the design coming soon.

Ideas for My Philadelphia Speech

Tomorrow afternoon I fly out to Philadelphia to participate in my first-ever LiveStrong Challenge. I have to say, I’m a little bit nervous. See, thanks to the incredible generosity of readers and the amazing focus of the members of Team Fatty, we’re in a pretty unusual situation:

We have won all of the awards. Every single one of them.

Which means I have to get up in front of a bunch of people the night before the ride and say something.

Something clever.

Something inspiring.

Something meaningful.

Something approximately 10 – 15 minutes long.

And while I originally promised the LiveStrong folks that I would give them an outline three days ago, I’m afraid it’s not quite finished yet. Also, it’s not quite started yet. But that’s what long plane flights are for, right?

Anyways, I thought I’d use today’s post to just kind of bounce some ideas off you and get your feedback on what you think.

Idea 1: Harangue

This will be a large audience of people who are very focused on fighting cancer, and have each done a lot of terrific work toward the cause. So maybe I’ll make them feel bad by telling them, for fifteen minutes, that they could have done more. Perhaps I’ll go around the room and get specific.

Idea 2: Blind Panic

My earliest childhood memory is of being put in front of a roomful of extended family and being told to sing a song I had been rehearsing for days and knew by heart. At that moment, however, I no longer remembered any of the song. Nor did I remember how to sing. Or what language was. However, my “fight or flight” instinct was working just fine. And since everyone in the room was much bigger, flight seemed like the best choice.

Maybe it’s time for me to reprise that act. Except this time, not everyone will be bigger than me. Which means the “fight or flight” choice becomes much more interesting.

Idea 3: Recite an Excerpt from Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

Back when I was in high school, I skipped the whole sports thing and instead focused on the most surefire way I could imagine to get my head frequently stuck in a toilet: speech team. I gained notoriety for the “humor interpretation” event, where one voice-acted an excerpt from a published work. And my Hitchhiker’s Guide excerpt just killed. (I did the part where the Heart of Gold arrives at Magrathea, for those of you who, like me, have memorized the book.)

Considering that most people, following a heavy pasta dinner, are already going to be fighting the urge to sleep, maybe some good ol’ fashioned humor interp (as we in the biz called it) will be just what they need.

Idea 4: Sell Amway

I’ve got this large, captive audience, consisting entirely of self-motivated people who are not afraid to ask their friends and family for money. Maybe this is the perfect moment for me to get into multilevel marketing.

Just imagine my downstream!

Idea 5: Free Verse + Interpretive Dance

What many of you may not know about me is that I am a very capable poet, and am an especially competent composer of free verse. I like free verse because I don’t have to worry about meter. Or rhymes. Basically, if I understand correctly, free verse is like regular writing, except you press the Return key more often. For example:

if I understand correctly
free verse is like regular writing
except you press the Return key
more often

See? Same sentence, infinitely greater depth. Of course, to make free verse really come to life, one must read it aloud as if one were considering and weighing each word, after having taken a Valium. You know, the way they talk on NPR.

Oh, and of course I’d need to hire a mime to physically interpret my poem as I read it aloud.

Idea 6: Give ‘Em What They Want

Suppose you were seated and ready to hear a speech. And then, suddenly, instead of a speech, the nominal speaker passed out really delicious pie. Wouldn’t you be pleasantly surprised? Wouldn’t you say to yourself, “I cannot think of a speech I would enjoy even half as much as I am enjoying this pie.”

Yes, that’s exactly what you would say.

Especially if the pie had a really nice scoop of vanilla bean ice cream.

Idea 7: Ramble

The most awesome thing about my blog is that I have a backspace key. This makes it possible for me to write whatever comes into my head, then erase the parts I wish wouldn’t have come into my head.

Unfortunately, when I talk I have no backspace key. This is not to say that I say lots of things that I wish I wouldn’t have. Rather, I tend to take a long time to get to the point I want to make. I find myself wishing for verbal parentheses and em-dashes to bracket off the tangential remarks I keep seeming to make.

And in conclusion, it often takes me a long time to get to the point.

But what if I got on stage and just gave free rein to the pinballesque thoughts that bump through my head, which would be factorially amped by the adrenaline caused by standing in front of people?

And then, after ten minutes, I could sit down, having not quite yet gotten completely to the first of three points I really wanted to get to.

Yeah, I think I’d better get back to work on writing this thing.


  1. Comment by Dan O | 08.20.2009 | 12:13 pm

    You will, as always inspire. Enjoy Philly.

    life is good

  2. Comment by Dave | 08.20.2009 | 12:18 pm

    And remember think of the audience naked. Though I never undertood that since I would be blushing and coughing and looking away.

    Congrats to Team Fatty for your major awards.

  3. Comment by Phil | 08.20.2009 | 12:18 pm

    Do we get pictures of this event then for those elsewhere?
    Roll on Monday also.

  4. Comment by Karen | 08.20.2009 | 12:22 pm

    You only need to do what you do so well that you’ve encouraged hundreds of people you’ve never met to donate to cancer research. That is, be present and speak from your heart; share the occasional joys and deep pain of fighting this terrible disease–it helps us all; offer some ideas for being creative about contests and incentives, small and large, that help people feel connected and recognized for their effort; and suggest ways to make donation easy (as it is on your Web site). You’ll be wonderful.

  5. Comment by Joe | 08.20.2009 | 12:22 pm

    Write a long and heartfelt post for your blog, and then read it.

    Congrats on sweeping the podium!

  6. Comment by bcpedaler | 08.20.2009 | 12:24 pm

    Yeaahhh Orange and black jerseys are back!

    …Oh, and I’m sure you’ll do just fine on the speech. Just be yourself. I picture you starting with Idea #2, moving on to Idea #3 with a little Idea #5, then ending with Idea #7.

  7. Comment by Lana | 08.20.2009 | 12:30 pm

    can’t wait to (hopefully) get to see it in person! I fly out tomorrow afternoon as well from Michigan! I am sure you will do just fine, and if anyone complains, you are gonna have a large contingent of people there who will beat them up for you.

  8. Comment by Brandy | 08.20.2009 | 12:31 pm

    orange & black is back?!?! AWESOME !!!
    Fatty camelbak bottles…more awesomeness !!

    I will wear proudly and add to my growing Fatty jersey collection!!

    You will do fine in Philly. I vote on “ramble”
    Fighting like Susan !

  9. Comment by bikemike | 08.20.2009 | 12:34 pm

    ooooo, i love lemon harangue pie.

  10. Comment by geraldatwork | 08.20.2009 | 12:39 pm

    I am terrified at public speaking. Now that is no help. Just speak from the heart and from your experience with cancer.

  11. Comment by Jenni Laurita | 08.20.2009 | 12:39 pm

    Phil, I’m planning to take a ton of pictures, I’ll put them on my blog.

    I volunteer to be your mime, you can pay me in pie.

  12. Comment by Mikeonhisbike | 08.20.2009 | 12:40 pm

    If I were you I’d tell the water bottle story where you were overhydrated during a phone call with your boss. That one kills. Then, I’d give something away to everyone. Stop by the wendy’s before you get there and pick up a mayonnaise packet for everyone to attach to their helmet just in case they bonk. That should do the trick.

  13. Comment by Maik | 08.20.2009 | 12:41 pm

    If only I was going to be there. I’d sit in the back and chant, “M-L-M! M-L-M!”

    But then I’m sure I’d be wishing I was in your upstream after you successfully sign everyone in the room up.

  14. Comment by Steve | 08.20.2009 | 12:41 pm

    Free verse + interpretive dance + pie. With Dug doing the dancing part.

  15. Comment by Rupert | 08.20.2009 | 12:43 pm

    Go with idea 5. I will call William Shatner and he will be a guest “poetry reader” for you.

  16. Comment by bklyn74 | 08.20.2009 | 12:45 pm

    You should give Greg Lemond a buzz for some pointers. He recently had a tremendously successful public speaking engagement.

  17. Comment by Phknlwyr | 08.20.2009 | 12:46 pm


    I’d start the speech as follows:

    “So, I was riding my bike last Saturday in Leadville, when I went careening off a cliff and, as I floated through the air like a Muppet tossed back into its storage box, I thought to myself, ‘Self, cancer sucks. Let’s do something about it…”

  18. Comment by Tom | 08.20.2009 | 12:46 pm

    Use them all.

  19. Comment by Lana | 08.20.2009 | 12:47 pm

    PS – if I miss out on the cool new Fatty gear cause I am flying back on Monday morning from Philly to Michigan I am gonna be so sad… make sure they launch after 10am Eastern, would you?!?

  20. Comment by Shawn | 08.20.2009 | 12:50 pm

    Philly welcomes you! Glad to hear you’ll be biking in my backyard (not literally of course)! Sorry I won’t be at this years Livestrong Challenge. Have a good ride!

  21. Comment by Paul H | 08.20.2009 | 12:50 pm

    I wish I could be there, I hope someone puts a video of this up…what about wearing your helmet cam on stage?

  22. Comment by Chad | 08.20.2009 | 12:53 pm

    I imagine that your actual speech will turn out great. For the next several times that I am sitting in the audience for any kind of public lecture, though, I will be unable to not imagine idea 6. Then I will drool uncontrollably.

  23. Comment by MrsTeamPhillips | 08.20.2009 | 12:55 pm

    I vote for #5 – but YOU should do the interpretive dance. Maybe re-enact your leap from the cliffs of Leadville.

    Just remember, always start out with a good joke. That way, you get the audience to smile at you. You’d be amazed how much easier public speaking is when your audience is smiling. Good luck!

  24. Comment by Aaron | 08.20.2009 | 12:58 pm

    You’re a funny guy. I would take the humor road.

  25. Comment by XCTiger | 08.20.2009 | 1:03 pm


    Idea #8 – Be yourself….and let Susan speak through you.

    My guess is you have plenty to talk about:

    - You’re living the nightmare that Livestrong is about, and you are persevering though it all.

    - You and Susan have inspired thousands (mostly strangers) to take up the fight against Cancer.

    - Team Fatty has accomplished a lot, but unfortunately there is still so much more to be done.

    - You fly off cliffs and live to tell about it. (BTW, any update on the condition of the bike?)

    Come to think of it, 10 – 15 minutes may not be enough time. Considering that you’ve kept us all pretty entertained over the years, my guess is you won’t have any problem keeping the audience attentive and involved.

    Good luck, and make sure you get some pretzels to take back to the kids. Eat the cheese steaks in philly. From personal experience, they don’t transport real well.

  26. Comment by Rantwick | 08.20.2009 | 1:04 pm

    PIE, PIE, PIE! Boo speech, boo.

  27. Comment by jeff | 08.20.2009 | 1:05 pm

    You can never go wrong with interpretive dance!

  28. Comment by Rachel | 08.20.2009 | 1:08 pm

    I LOVE idea 6. In fact, I’ve been making friends for the last 18 years by using just such a maneuver. It could be helpful for long-term fundraising.

  29. Comment by getinlost | 08.20.2009 | 1:10 pm

    Speak as though you are speaking to the Core Team. It works here, It’ll work there.


  30. Comment by Ken | 08.20.2009 | 1:10 pm

    As a complementary idea to haranguing the audience, remember: “No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!”

    Oh, and remember- you can always bring a collection basket to pass around. Loose change, and pocket money could out a little more icing on the cake

  31. Comment by benr | 08.20.2009 | 1:10 pm

    As long as you have your towel you’ll be fine.

  32. Comment by Lofgrans | 08.20.2009 | 1:11 pm

    Make Frank write it for you. He owes you.

  33. Comment by Kevin M | 08.20.2009 | 1:13 pm

    I agree with XCtiger be yourself. Susan’s and your story will more then fill the time. I think I see a book on this subject coming up. Just follow your style, Fatty, and go for it. My thoughts and prayers are with you this weekend.

  34. Comment by Alain | 08.20.2009 | 1:14 pm

    It’s always Fatty in Philadelphia

  35. Comment by Larry | 08.20.2009 | 1:18 pm

    I always go with Bluto’s advice to Flounder before he was to face Dean Wormer; “My advice to you is to start drinking heavily”. That’s what long plane rides are for, right?

    Besides, you being a non-drinker will just increase the awesomeness factor perhaps three-fold.

  36. Comment by steventoby | 08.20.2009 | 1:18 pm

    Good luck in Philly, and I hope to see you in Austin. Of course that would be assuming you plan on going to Austin. And, of course, assuming I end up making the 22 hour drive to Austin from Kentucky.


    CamelBak Podium Fatty Bottles!!! That’s too much goodness at once!

  37. Comment by Ryan Douglas | 08.20.2009 | 1:21 pm

    How about reading the names of all who supported…or at least 15 minutes worth. The Fatty Family is long.


  38. Comment by Paul | 08.20.2009 | 1:22 pm

    Pretty Please make the Jersey’s FULL ZIP! Pretty Pretty Please!

  39. Comment by wirehead | 08.20.2009 | 1:23 pm

    Show up in a tuxedo, strip down to a 2010 Fat Cyclist Jersey. You won’t have to say anything.

    Oh, wait. Did I say a Fat Cyclist Jersey? Um. Bike shorts, too. Yeah.

  40. Comment by gargoyle030 | 08.20.2009 | 1:23 pm

    Fatty – Go with a combination of #3 and #5. Get a mime to do interpretive dance to a reading from Hitchhiker’s Guide. That would totally rule.

    Although #2 has long been a favorite of mine.

    Regardless, you’ll be great — of that I have no doubt.

  41. Comment by RL Julia | 08.20.2009 | 1:36 pm

    I say sell Amway THROUGH interpretive dance and spoken word.

    Other than that – thank everyone for their incredible work, talk about what is it about the LiveStrong rides that appealed to you – there are lots of ways to raise money for cancer. Talk about what this journey has meant for you personally and where you want to go next. That’s what everyone wants to know. Then tell the following knock-knock joke:

    Fatty: Knock, knock
    Crowd: Who’s there?
    Fatty: Interrupting cow.
    Crowd: Interrupt
    Fatty: (interrupting) MOO!!!

    This never fails to make my entire family (o.k. really just me) augh hysterically but then again, we/me might be simpletons.

    Good luck.

  42. Comment by Clydesteve | 08.20.2009 | 1:43 pm

    They serve excellent desserts at these things.

    I suggest you take a very nice selection of chocolate-covered strawberries and truffles, and eat them while giving your remarks.

    This would make everyone else feel at ease eating their dessert and ignoring the boring parts.

    But the interpretive dance is tempting, perhaps the Grove downhill video, re-mastered to some Oingo-Boingo, and you do the interpretation. (Not some impersoanl mime, please. Mimes are just there to blame things on.)

  43. Comment by Onan the Barbarian | 08.20.2009 | 1:46 pm

    Go with the interpretive dance. Naked.

    I triple dog dare you.

    /Now just TRY to get out of a Triple Dog Dare!

  44. Comment by Wife, PhD | 08.20.2009 | 1:46 pm

    In my profession, idea #7 is what we lovingly refer to as lecturing. Oh and I thought plane rides were invented for writing last minute speeches.
    Good Luck

  45. Comment by Paul | 08.20.2009 | 1:46 pm

    Orange and Black.. Philadelphia Flyers colors! I like!
    See you Sunday!

  46. Comment by BikecopVT | 08.20.2009 | 1:47 pm

    I’m sorry did somebody say pie?

    Fight Like Susan!

  47. Comment by Paul | 08.20.2009 | 1:50 pm

    Make sure that you point out that you took the dive for Lance on Saturday.

    Oh, and I’d love to see the outline you provide for #7.

  48. Comment by MellowVelo | 08.20.2009 | 1:50 pm

    Hooray, jerseys! I can’t wait to order one. I work for a non-profit and just cannot get it into their heads that we’d get more donations if people actually got something cool in return that made them feel more a part of the movement…

    Happy to see you writing with great humor again. I haven’t laughed as hard this week as I laughed at the following:

    if I understand correctly
    free verse is like regular writing
    except you press the Return key
    more often

    See? Same sentence, infinitely more depth. Of course, to make free verse really come to life, one must read it aloud as if one were considering and weighing each word, after having taken a Valium. You know, the way they talk on NPR.

  49. Comment by Jaime O. | 08.20.2009 | 1:53 pm

    So my coworker just tried to stab me for laughing out loud at your post for a few minutes. I didn’t mind so much. Prison will be good for her.

  50. Comment by g | 08.20.2009 | 1:55 pm

    Ohmygoodness, such a funny post. And wirehead’s suggestion is also great.
    I second all the other good suggestions as well.
    You’ll be great!

  51. Comment by EvilCyclist | 08.20.2009 | 1:56 pm


    Just when I am about to harass you for becoming more of an infomercial than a blog ( “Camelbak Podium bottles that I love so much”), you say something amazing like:

    “that they could have done more. Perhaps I’ll go around the room and get specific.”

    soda comes out my nose, and all is forgiven.

    All I can do is picture you walking up to a table and saying ” Well Bob, it seems that you took quite a few long lunches away from the research lab. That’s not really the way we make breakthroughs, now is it Bob?”

    You may want to finish that with a line similar to the bit from the Pulp Fiction diner robbery scene with Honey Bunny. Scream “Keep working or I’ll Execute Every **************** Last One of Ya!”

    Just a thought. Don’t call me for bail money though.

    -Evil C.

  52. Comment by Tex | 08.20.2009 | 1:58 pm

    Tell them to always Fight Like Susan in everything they do in life, and to quit being afraid to fail at something they try. You only find out what you are truly capable of when you refuse to quit and keep fighting until you fail. If you quit, then you have only revealed what you are WILLING to do, while if you fight until you fail, then you will have found out what you are CAPABLE of doing. In every instance where I have allowed myself to go beyond when I wanted to quit, I have found that I am capable of more than I ever believed I could do.

  53. Comment by Lizzylou | 08.20.2009 | 2:00 pm

    If you go with the Hitchhiker’s option, I have a bowl of petunias that you can use as a prop.

  54. Comment by Jay | 08.20.2009 | 2:04 pm

    you basically have to do Dwight Schrute’s Salesman of The Year speech from The Office.

    “Blood alone moves the wheels of history!”

  55. Comment by chtrich | 08.20.2009 | 2:13 pm

    Did you mention ice cream? I love ice cream.

  56. Comment by chtrich | 08.20.2009 | 2:14 pm

    and I second Jay’s idea!!!

  57. Comment by Grayduncs | 08.20.2009 | 2:14 pm

    Use the opportunity to push the new jerseys. Get some “volunteers” up to model them.

  58. Comment by stirling | 08.20.2009 | 2:19 pm

    i like the “fatty cam” idea while you are on stage. That would be classic!

  59. Comment by MattC | 08.20.2009 | 2:21 pm

    Fatty, you are going to do GREAT!! And SOMEBODY better freaking RECORD your speech so the REST of us can partake!!! (are you listening Jen?? Have someone in the audience, preferably front and center table do it like my brother Greg did mine).

    Fatty..I think you should do the William Shattner Dramatic reading style…AND your free verse…IT…..WOULD-BE……PRICELESS! You are going to have an AWESOME weekend…you will be MORE famous than Lance in Philly this weekend…seriously! Enjoy! And there BEST be lots of photos being shared!!!

  60. Comment by Leigh | 08.20.2009 | 2:23 pm

    I will be there on Saturday night! I am sure if you speak from the heart, as I have no doubt you will, it will be fantastic. But when in doubt, go with pie. Apple please! :-)

  61. Comment by Kathy McElhaney | 08.20.2009 | 2:37 pm

    Does your 10-15 minutes start after you are introduced or after the crowd sits down after their 5 minute standing ovation with chants of “Fight like Susan! Fight like Susan!”? You have done so much and been an incredible inspiration to so many! I’m sure it will be great.

  62. Comment by justrun | 08.20.2009 | 2:40 pm

    While I have no doubt you’ll have a great talk with many valid, witty, and inspiring points, if you do an interpretive dance? BONUS! (Also: Video, please.)

  63. Comment by Michael | 08.20.2009 | 2:43 pm

    I am TOTALLY with Jay. You MUST go the Dwight Schrute speech route.

    I’m sure you’ll kill, no matter.

  64. Comment by Chris | 08.20.2009 | 2:54 pm

    Make sure someone gets video of the speach.

    So you in Philly!

  65. Comment by Beth | 08.20.2009 | 3:02 pm

    Fatty; just take a deep breath and tell your story. No need to harangue, beg, cajole or anything else. You have an ability to tell a story with the written word, I have no doubt you can do it in a “talk” as well.

    Jot down a couple of talking points and run with it; the story will carry you way beyond 15 minutes.

    Good luck; day at a time ~

  66. Comment by kathy | 08.20.2009 | 3:20 pm

    I would like to vote for modern dance. I sense an opportunity for a ‘youtube’ moment. You will do great, who is going to taunt you? All of the other winners?


  67. Comment by kiwi | 08.20.2009 | 3:25 pm

    Okay Fatty this always works for me
    Ladies and gents I stand before you, not behind you,
    to address you not un-adress you my speech!
    (my father told me this when I was 8 and had to make my 1st speech in Mrs Lee’s class)

    Its a good start.

    And then is always someone who finds it funny!

    As the kids say “you will ROCK”


  68. Comment by 100poundsago | 08.20.2009 | 3:36 pm

    Thats all well and good but you are forgetting one very crucial aspect to any speech….Props. You need a trunk full of props and they may or may not have anything to do with what your saying.

  69. Comment by Rob M. | 08.20.2009 | 3:46 pm

    I vote
    for the pie.
    “Won’t be there”, said I.
    But you can be quite nice
    if you just
    mail me my slice.

  70. Comment by Kathleen@ForgingAhead | 08.20.2009 | 3:56 pm

    What Matt C said!

    Plus, I bet you can bring PhillyJen up on stage with you and between the two of you all sorts of zany fun will ensue.

    Bert is triple-psyched about the return of orange!

  71. Comment by Haven (used to be Kt) | 08.20.2009 | 3:56 pm

    Hmmm… wear the helmet cam while giving your Hitchhikers speech in free verse, while your hired mime passes out mayo packets. During dessert.

    Don’t forget to use fresh batteries in the camera, and take the lens cap off, please. Very important.

    And then ramble. Tell the bee swarm story, that one lends well to wild gestures.

    I need me some new water bottles… looks like I’ll be doing some shopping on Monday!! And new jersey, and what else can I find, everything must add up to a whole,evenly divisible by 5 number.


  72. Comment by JB | 08.20.2009 | 3:56 pm

    Pie and NPR…Ha…That was funny stuff Fatty!

  73. Comment by Erin | 08.20.2009 | 4:03 pm

    Go Gallagher and just smash watermellon on the front rows. Nothing motivates like flying seeds

  74. Comment by Marrock | 08.20.2009 | 4:07 pm

    The last time, and I mean the very last time, I was asked to do any public speaking resulted in me giving a fifteen minute tirade, delivered in the style of Mussolini, and spoken entirely in pig latin.

    And this was done stone cold sober too.

    One of the arrangers said he’d hate to see what I’d do if I were drunk, I gave him an entirely innocent smile and told him “Not one scorched stone of this fine establishment would be left standing”… for some reason he just backed away slowly at this point, not sure why.

    Give ‘em hell, Fatty!

  75. Comment by Tyler | 08.20.2009 | 4:10 pm

    The pie paragraph is worthy of Jack Handey…good stuff

  76. Comment by Haven (used to be Kt) | 08.20.2009 | 4:11 pm

    Ooh! Wait! I just had a genius idea!

    Tell your Leadville story through your Hitchhikers monologue!! It’s perfect!!

    “I wonder if it will be friends with me?”


  77. Comment by HannahSusan | 08.20.2009 | 4:16 pm

    I think your best option is a little bit of chat followed by a singsong, some dancing with a dog, juggling fire and a few magic tricks to finish off

    And, clearly, keep the pie

  78. Comment by FunkyLaneO | 08.20.2009 | 4:26 pm

    I say spew out a bunch of obscenities, that way they will encourage you to cut your speech short and you wont have to full but a minute or two, then hand out pie for forgiveness.

  79. Comment by Born 4 Lycra | 08.20.2009 | 4:28 pm

    You are the man leading the champion team surely you get to do what you like. So taking a leaf out of bcpedaler an early poster do all the bits from each idea you like and don’t forget your tap shoes – just in case.

    Stickers!! – yes!

    Orange and Black is back – great – my original signed top still takes pride of place. Just an aside for the newer readers FC handled the distribution of the first tops from home – how things have grown – is their no end to the talents of this man.

    Go Team Philly have a great day. Look after him he’s probably still sore keep the hugs to a low intensity but lots of them.

  80. Comment by Tink | 08.20.2009 | 4:29 pm

    One word- PIE!

  81. Comment by FWCPC | 08.20.2009 | 4:35 pm

    I think starting with a paraphrasing of your Aug 5 post would be excellent. That post tells everything about why you are where you are (or are where you will be the night of the speech, or something like that..) For the middle how bout your turning your face purple trick. And if your Leadville scabs are still visible you can close by saying you got them by helping kick cancers butt! Not far from the truth I would guess.

  82. Comment by eandjmum | 08.20.2009 | 4:39 pm

    Talk from your heart….
    Tell them about your story…
    Let them know what kicking cancer means to you…
    Talk from the heart…

  83. Comment by Margo | 08.20.2009 | 4:57 pm

    1. I’d really love to see a video of your speech, too.
    2. I don’t think you actually need advice from us on how to write your speech, but here’s what I have: Start with a little joke, if you want. It gets people interested, and it’ll probably make you a little less nervous. Otherwise, just be honest and tell your story. A bunch of those people will know everything that you’ve ever posted on your blog, but we have to assume that one or two of them will never have heard of you. Tell them about Susan and about how helpless her cancer made you feel and about how awesome it has felt to raise money to fight it. Tell them that Susan never stopped fighting, that you’ll never stop fighting, and that they shouldn’t, either. And if you fall on the way to the podium, just tell them that was your re-enactment of Leadville. :)

  84. Comment by @PeckishCyclist | 08.20.2009 | 4:57 pm

    Fatty, don’t be a slacker, recite the free verse *while* doing the interpretive dance. And perhaps the Team Fatty members in attendance can do a choral reading in the background…

    FC Camelbak Podium Bottles–wonderful news! I’m feeling better hydrated already.

  85. Comment by Dobovedo | 08.20.2009 | 5:16 pm

    Pie and HG2G. Perfect.

    Your work is already done. Just read highlights from your blog. Choose entries at random.

  86. Comment by Rich Wielgosz | 08.20.2009 | 5:18 pm

    Does EVERYONE have the Hitchhiker’s Guide memorized??

  87. Comment by monkeywebb | 08.20.2009 | 5:32 pm

    Whatever you do, don’t forget your towel.

    A friend of mine is an extraordinarily lazy motivational speaker. His sage speaking advice: “Everybody loves audience participation.”

    I say you explain that you didn’t have time to write a speach, and instead run around the audience interviewing people about why they raised money to get in the room and what they plan on doing to fight cancer in the future. Wear the helmet cam, but get the A/V geniuses to project the image on screen. Toss in a few questions about what they had for breakfast and who the strange person is they’re sitting next to and you’ve got hilarity, motivation and way more than 15 minutes.

  88. Comment by Dave | 08.20.2009 | 5:50 pm

    I’d had a couple gin and tonics and I thought you said “pedophilia speech…”


    It’s raining here in Minneapolis and I’ve got nothing better to do than drink…

  89. Comment by Big Boned | 08.20.2009 | 6:13 pm

    I vote for idea #2 – you should sing – LOUDLY (so everyone can hear you way in the back). It doesn’t really matter what you sing, but I know I’d appreciate something from “London Calling”. It’s one of my favorite albums (or CD’s or downloads or whatever the kids are doing these days).
    If you are really messing it up, I’ll join in – that will improve it – we’ll then go on tour. It’ll be grand!
    Big Boned

  90. Comment by bryantp | 08.20.2009 | 6:13 pm

    Let’s here it for bright colors in the jerseys for us night riders!

  91. Comment by Lori Scheel | 08.20.2009 | 6:51 pm

    Lead with the Amway bit…that is hilarious!

  92. Comment by Joel | 08.20.2009 | 6:53 pm

    I have to second (or third?) the interpretive dance with Shatner on vocals – go all the way out on the memorable/crazy line.

  93. Comment by Ronna | 08.20.2009 | 7:00 pm

    Talk like you talked to Susan — inspiration (look at how much we have done!), humor (have you heard the one about this guy at Leadville that flew off the ledge?), and encouragement (we still have so much to do!).

  94. Comment by Rita | 08.20.2009 | 7:03 pm

    Total Gold, this post. Total.
    The Interpretive Dance Evasion Technique has always worked for me.

  95. Comment by Marla | 08.20.2009 | 7:04 pm

    I vote for reading the Hitchhiker’s Guide and passing out pie!

  96. Comment by Rita | 08.20.2009 | 7:13 pm

    and praise em dashes.

  97. Comment by Amy B.- Portland, OR | 08.20.2009 | 7:16 pm

    Pie and ice cream served by very attractive bicycle dudes sounds like a winner. Have fun, soak in the love, ride hard, remember that Philadelphia sports fans, when they love you, are the best.

  98. Comment by Andrea | 08.20.2009 | 7:34 pm

    I would go for the rambling. It seems to work for Greg LeMond.

    Seriously, I really hope someone has a video. I’m sure you will be great whatever you do.

    I wish I could be there, too, but I am still on vacation in Colorado, where you were nice enough to let me get my picture taken with you at Leadville. Thanks again for being so nice. I know you were in a lot of pain from your crash still.

  99. Comment by DOM | 08.20.2009 | 7:43 pm

    Uhh, Amy, would these be the same Philly fans that threw snowballs at Santa?

  100. Comment by ChefJT | 08.20.2009 | 7:48 pm

    I agree with XCTiger earlier…eat the cheesesteak in Philly, standing up at Pat’s, then have a second one at Geno’s.

    How about doing your own “what would you say to cancer?” that can then be posted with the others that have been done. I’m thinking you’ve got a mouthful for that S.O.B. And as of a little while ago, Team Fatty has 197 other mouths in Philly read to pick a fight too!

    Cancer has taken too many, too soon, for too long. This fight has just begun. Next year, we break our own record!

  101. Comment by bubbaseadog | 08.20.2009 | 7:50 pm

    do you know what will be the new motto on the sleeve of the jersey so many people have said in their post fighting like susan i like it should we vote among the posters? or will there be a contest to name the jersey.whatever it says we will wear it proudly and relate the story to others

  102. Comment by Chris | 08.20.2009 | 7:52 pm

    For some reason every time I think of someone giving a speech the scene with the Head of the Police Academy comes to mind.

  103. Comment by gail | 08.20.2009 | 8:22 pm

    I am a non-riding, non-walking but still proud member of your Philly team. I was feeling really really really bad that, because of my own family problems, I cannot attend. Naturally I was devastated because I wanted so very much to see you there. Thank you for making me feel a little better.

  104. Comment by Clydesteve | 08.20.2009 | 8:38 pm

    Listen, Fatty, if you do decide to do something Hitchhikers Guideish, I have a towel you can borrow as a prop. It is my bicycle commute towel at work. I have not laundered it since June, so it stands in the corner, which is very convenient.

    ‘42′ FLS

    Team Philly – WIN!

  105. Comment by MVSC | 08.20.2009 | 8:44 pm

    Bring your sister + Kenny and do 15 minutes of jumping poses.

  106. Comment by PennyPue | 08.20.2009 | 8:59 pm

    While I am a HUGE fan of free verse and interpretive dance, I think you should open serious and close funny.

    Remind us why we’re fighting, then make us smile and fight even harder.

  107. Comment by Claire | 08.20.2009 | 9:44 pm

    How about you stand up and thank them for all they have done in the fight…and then tell them that we are not done yet, not by a long shot… but that you know they aren’t going to give up… because you know just what kind of people they are …the kind that get off their butts and do something and they are probably going to keep getting off their butts and doing something until the fight it done and we can stop losing ones we love to this cowardly disease.

    ..and then 10 minutes of jumping poses I like that idea.

  108. Comment by kim decker | 08.20.2009 | 9:59 pm

    Just knokim dead…lol

  109. Comment by roadrash | 08.20.2009 | 10:40 pm

    S’il Vous Plait, no mimes…

  110. Comment by Hillslug | 08.20.2009 | 10:48 pm

    I vote for an interpretive dance (by you and perhaps a bicycle) and then pie.

  111. Comment by brit | 08.20.2009 | 11:15 pm

    I have to get behind #3…who doesn’t love a good hitchhiker monologue?

    I worry about the Ramble though…and can relate to the lack of a backspace said ramble.

    Good Luck.

  112. Comment by Little1 | 08.21.2009 | 1:14 am

    For the first time ever I am at work on a friday and I CAN’T WAIT for Monday!

    I would go with (i think it was Ben’s idea) a basket collection. Then please oh pretty, pretty please the Fatcyclist jersey and the “pose” arrghhh!

    and then random ramblings of sentences out of various posts in free verse style with some few audience members chosen to do interpretive dance to the rambling. then pie, always gotta have pie!

    But not HUMBLE pie, cause TEAM FATTY KICKED ####$$$!

  113. Comment by gcam | 08.21.2009 | 1:34 am

    Hand out pie and Vanilla Bean ice cream
    Free verse from your heart
    and end with
    So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish

  114. Comment by mike m | 08.21.2009 | 2:34 am

    as a born and raised Philadelphian, here’s my advice:
    up til a week ago the easiest way to whip any crowd within 150 miles of philly into a mass of rip roarin approval was to start or end any public appearance with the cry E-A-G-L-E-S. now thanks to the addition of doggie-beater Mike Vick, that option is out.

    I’m riding the 100 sunday, it will be hot and the hills have some of the riders pretty concerned.
    legend has it that Lance rode the philly course 2 years ago and added hills. whatever you say, brevity might the key.

  115. Comment by TheLurker | 08.21.2009 | 3:09 am

    Threaten them with a powerpoint presentation and then… don’t use powerpoint. They’ll be _so_ grateful that you could go on to read the list of ingredients on a cereal box, in Sanskrit, and still get a standing ovation.

  116. Comment by buckythedonkey | 08.21.2009 | 3:11 am

    Don’t forget your towel.

    Allez Fatty!


  117. Comment by Powerful Pete | 08.21.2009 | 3:16 am

    I am sure you will give an excellent speech. No doubt. But I also vote for a video you doing the dance thing… just to keep in character.

    But seriously, will be able to download a video of the speech?

    And will you bring your cam for some on bike footage from the actual ride?

  118. Comment by Laura | 08.21.2009 | 4:09 am

    I am sure anything you say will be awesome. I hope I will be able to see it – or at least read it. I have nothing witty to offer like your other readers… sorry. I just want you to know that you have inspired me to get involved in the fight. No Livestrong Challenge near me so I am going to Race for the Cure instead. Thanks for all that you do.

  119. Comment by Jamieson | 08.21.2009 | 4:38 am

    In keeping with your videos from the other events, perhaps you should have a short video open to set up the speech, and then go on stage.

    I’ll be cheering for you.

  120. Comment by Mike Roadie | 08.21.2009 | 5:23 am

    You can blame the whole thing on me………

    Do the “Wing It” method, and then just smile and shed a tear. You’ll be great!!!

    Flight Like Fatty


  121. Comment by Bob | 08.21.2009 | 5:48 am

    Hey Fatty,

    Just don’t think of it as a “speech”. You’re talking to friends about a subject that everyone is on the same page about. Talk about your motivation in getting started in this quest and tell them how much it meant to Susan to know that so many people were fighting with and for her.

    Don’t forget to bring Kleenex.


  122. Comment by Alister | 08.21.2009 | 5:48 am

    Well, Fatty, no matter which method you choose, there’s one rule to follow: A good speech should be like a mini-skirt: Long enough to cover the essentials, but short enough to maintain interest.

    Good luck and Godspeed.

  123. Comment by C | 08.21.2009 | 6:15 am

    LET THERE BE PIE …. and dance

  124. Comment by Nancy P | 08.21.2009 | 6:52 am

    Whatever you do — prepare, if possible, to be surrounded by love and support and good will (maybe that’s redundant? but redundancy is in order considering the massiveness of it)

    – and if all else fails, I vote for the Elaine Dance complete with the (fill in your own adjective)toast.

  125. Comment by Joe Cyclone | 08.21.2009 | 6:57 am

    Don’t choose option 7, people will mistake you for Greg Lemond!

  126. Comment by Edge One | 08.21.2009 | 7:48 am

    I started reading your blog from the infamous Armstrong twitter and have been hooked ever since. One of my 3 1/2 year old twin girls has Leukemia, diagnosed a year ago July. She has a year and 2 months of Chemo treatments left… You inspire thousands of people including My family. I was laughing so hard at this blog entry it made me cry… I am glad you are doing well and I just hope that the Philly speech is videotaped and put on your blog for all to see!!!

  127. Comment by Michelle | 08.21.2009 | 7:55 am

    Pinballesque thoughts and pie.


  128. Comment by Vickie | 08.21.2009 | 8:08 am

    If you can use words like tangentially, pinballesque and factorially I have no doubt you can make a speech. And besides, you have something to say that everyone wants to hear about a very important subject! Congratulations on all the awards.

  129. Comment by Karen | 08.21.2009 | 8:35 am

    You know, Richard Dean Anderson (MacGyver) started off as a mime. I don’t believe he’s doing much these days, aside from running around saving tasty, um, I mean, helpless baby seals. He might be eager for the chance to pull the ol’ striped tights on one more time. For a good cause and all.

  130. Comment by ann | 08.21.2009 | 10:24 am

    A few days – or weeks – ago you wondered if the funny, witty writer-guy was still there. The answer is “yes, yes indeed.”

  131. Comment by Salty Seattle | 08.21.2009 | 7:29 pm

    I got as far as number 5, but I gotta head out to the velodrome.

    I say, forget the 15 minute guideline and take all night. That way you can over all of the options, just to make sure you’ve covered it adequately. The only thing I would suggest other than that, is to put each option on a set of cards, and shuffle them up. It’s always good to keep ‘em guessing.

    Since you’re in the biz and all.

  132. Comment by El Gato | 08.21.2009 | 9:21 pm

    one vote for Slartibartfast!

  133. Comment by KT | 08.23.2009 | 6:36 pm

    My vote is idea #5 Mime included! Reading your Blog makes me sure that you will deliver an outstanding speech whatever method you choose.
    Go get em!


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