An Open Letter…From the Future

12.9.2009 | 9:45 am

First off, I want to reiterate (as in, copy and paste) my thank-you I wrote last night when we crossed the outrageous goal of raising $100,000 — in less than three days (I started Sunday at noon, we hit $100,000 on Tuesday at 8:10 PM).

A HUGE “thank you” goes out to Johan for putting together an outrageous challenge — one so insane I just couldn’t say no.

An even HUGER “thank you” goes out to Team Fatty — by which I mean anyone who donated — for proving, once again, how incredibly generous people can be.

Also, big thanks to Trek for providing the Madone, to Gary Fisher Bikes for providing the FattyFly, to Nick Howe for providing the cool bonus-prize jerseys, and to Trek Travel for providing the Tour de France trip.

This has been the nuttiest contest I’ve ever done, and all the more awesome because it totally fell from the sky.

And now I get to spend the weekend in Arizona, riding with Team RadioShack. And — even more exciting — I get to give away two incredible bikes and the trip of a lifetime.

Sometimes, it’s good to be Fatty.

I understand that sometime today, Johan Bruyneel is going to post a video “thank you” of his own to Team Fatty. When he does, I’ll either embed (if I can) it here, or link to it.

I have to say, I am really, really looking forward to meeting Johan. In addition his being an accomplished person, he’s clearly got a sense of humor and a big heart. And an enormous cleft in his chin.

On the other hand, I am also a little bit concerned.

You see, this morning when I woke up, there was a very disconcerting email message in my inbox. It was marked with the “triple high priority” designation — three exclamation points — which I had not even known exists.

After reading this email, I am no longer at all certain I should even go to Tucson. I just don’t know.

I hereby submit this email for your consideration.

From: Lance Armstrong ([redacted]@[redacted].[redacted])
Sent: Tuesday, December 15, 2009


Dear Fat Cyclist,

As you receive this, I know you are excited to come to Tucson and ride with Team RadioShack. You have earned this right, and if there were any other option at all, I would not contact you with this request.

But I have no other choice.

You may wonder, Fatty, how this message is arriving to you from the future. Well, without giving away too much, it’s not as hard to send email to the past as you might think, and I did it by rigging a Pomegranate Raspberry Michelob Ultra to a USB cable (between you and me, the only thing it is actually good for), uploading the email in question to a memory stick, connecting that stick to one end of the USB cable, and then connecting the other end to the input port of any programmable RadioShack radio-controlled device (a car works best), and then propelling that device backward at maximum speed.

Also, nineteen inches of duct tape is involved. I’ll say no more.

Anyway, I — along with most of the rest of the team — have just returned from the hospital and am composing this message to you in the hopes you will do the honorable thing and, for the love of all that’s good in the world, STAY HOME.

I will explain.

Your weekend at the training camp started off well enough. You were clearly nervous when you met all of us, and you might have made a better (ie, less awkward) first impression if you had not tried to hug each and every single rider.

There was a bit of a scuffle when you got to Levi Leipheimer and Viatcheslav Ekimov, though. I guess neither of them have forgotten or forgiven the post you wrote a couple years ago where you made fun of Ekimov’s Mullet and gave Levi a new hairstyle (shown below, just to remind you).


As you went to give Levi a hug, Levi instead spun you around into a full Nelson, which seemed fitting. Eki then began punching you repeatedly in the stomach. This might have been a more successful plan if Eki had any mass at all in his arms, and if Levi weighed more than 84 pounds.

To Levi’s surprise, you dropped to a crouch, bringing him with you, and then sprung backward, flying nine feet through the air (your quads are impressive, by the way), and landing with your (considerable) full weight and momentum on Levi. Which — naturally — crushed him, leaving few if any bones unbroken.

Levi hopes to walk again about the time the Tour of California starts. Nice work, Fatty.

Dinner hardly went any better. Unaware of your super power, the chef did not lock the door to the kitchen. So, imagine our surprise when we arrived at the dining room and found an empty table. You had evidently arrived first, and had brought an appetite.

All that was left were some brussel sprouts (which remained uneaten, because nobody in the world likes brussel sprouts) and the team chef, who was cowering in the corner of his kitchen, weeping.

Two days later, he remains unable to speak, and screams in his sleep. What kind of monster are you, Fatty?

We should have paid attention, should have seen these events for what they were: harbingers of the horror to follow the next day.

We began the ride, and everyone on the team quickly realized you are a danger to yourself and all those around you. As you swiveled your head around this way and that — trying to get lots of good shots with your helmetcam I suppose — you were simultaneously reaching into your jersey for the next picture. Meanwhile you’d be going on and on about how much you’d like a ham sandwich right about now, and would anyone else like a sandwich, and would we all perhaps be interested in turning around and stopping for just a few minutes at the Quizno’s we just passed?

You, Fatty, are a chatterbox. A gluttonous, non-line-holding, erratic pedaling chatterbox.

But we expected that.

What we did not expect, Fatty, was when — while we were still riding — you pulled out an extra-fat Sharpie pen. I remember rolling my eyes, thinking, “Oh, great, he wants another autograph.” But I was wrong. You didn’t want an autograph, you wanted to make some on-the-fly edits to the new Team RadioShack jersey. “This will only take a sec,” you said, trying your best to modify the RadioShack logo to look like your Clydesdale logo. “And it will be a huge improvement.”

And that’s when all hell broke loose.

Having had enough, I surged forward, intending to drop you fast and hard. To my surprise, your reflexes were surprisingly quick, and you flung an arm out, hoping, I suppose, to grab my jersey or something.

Instead, you tossed your Sharpie, which — through some anti-miracle of physics — landed right between two spokes in my front wheel.

I flew like an angel. Briefly.

I landed in a crumpled heap just ahead of you, putting me in perfect postion for me to cushion your fall as you braked hard, got sideways, and high-sided right onto the top of me. Glad I could be of service, Fatty.

After that, the domino effect went into high gear.

Zubeldia crashed into the tangled mess that was us. Rubiera landed on the quickly-growing pile, and then Popovych endoed onto the top, earning him ten “king of the mountain” points.

Kloden skidded sharply and avoided us, but shot into a ravine. Leipheimer — riding despite being in a full body cast — followed his wheel and landed on Kloden, which did not injure Kloden at all.

From there, the pileup just grew and grew. Eventually, emergency vehicles were called, and — I believe this was a first — the Jaws of Life were employed to extricate us.

I am not certain, but I believe this is the first time an entire cycling team has been sidelined before the team jerseys were even finalized.

So again, Fatty, let me ask you. No, let me beg you. Please, stay home. For your sake. For the team’s sake. For my sake.


Lance Armstrong

PS: Chris Horner also crashed at the same time, but it was apparently unrelated to this incident.

Of course, this is all ridiculous. None of this sounds anything at all like me. I’m sure everything will go perfect this weekend.

PS: I was interviewed on Bicycle Radio last night. If you want to listen to it, go to this page and listen to the 12-08-09 edition of “Escape the Peloton.” My interview begins about 43 minutes into the program.


  1. Comment by jackelope | 12.9.2009 | 9:52 am


  2. Comment by sllym | 12.9.2009 | 9:53 am

    This might be my favorite post ever.

  3. Comment by geraldatwork | 12.9.2009 | 9:53 am

    Reaching $100,000 in only three days is amazing. There is an incredible group here on your blog. Have fun and hopefully you won’t drop the team members on the first hill.

  4. Comment by GenghisKhan | 12.9.2009 | 9:59 am

    Great post. Never knew Lance to be such a chatterbox–good thing he didn’t try to Tweet that–yikes!

    And yeah, crazy cool on the $100K. Congrats to you and everyone who participated–great holiday effort.

    Have fun in Tuck-Some-On (Not sure what that means). Should be great fodder for a number of great posts!

    Happy Holidays to Team Fatty!

  5. Comment by fattyfan | 12.9.2009 | 10:01 am

    For those who were lamenting the “loss” of the old Fatty – I believe you stand corrected. Funny Fatty never went anywhere – he was just upgraded to Funny Fatty Fundraiser. Fatty – you rock, an honor to be part of your team!

  6. Comment by Frank | 12.9.2009 | 10:06 am


    Make sure to bring some brats and homemade bread to the team. That should help to weight Levi down enough so he doesn’t get blown off the bike by some crosswinds.

    Have a good time :)

  7. Comment by bmarie | 12.9.2009 | 10:08 am

    It’s quite obvious now that we all know why Oprah decided to end her run on TV. She knew that Fatty was coming for her and wanted to get out before he took her down…

    Amazing, what you inspire people to do! Can’t wait to see what the next challenge will be.

  8. Comment by louisbaker | 12.9.2009 | 10:09 am

    Right on, Lance.

    Fatty really is dangerous. He almost knocked me over at Leadville.

  9. Comment by Kathleen@ForgingAhead | 12.9.2009 | 10:13 am

    I find the entire scenario entirely feasible, except the part about the Pomegranate Raspberry Michelob Ultra.

    Have a GREAT time Fatty!!

  10. Comment by Dan O | 12.9.2009 | 10:13 am

    hilarious! great post, and thank you for Fighting Like Susan, Job well done.

    life is good

  11. Comment by Philly Jen | 12.9.2009 | 10:14 am

    Fatty, as long as you didn’t take out Fumi Beppu and Fuyu Li, I think there’s still an entire continent where you can take refuge if need be…

    Allez, ??.

  12. Comment by justrun | 12.9.2009 | 10:18 am

    Ha! Love it. What an incredible few days! Not even a Sharpie could change that!

  13. Comment by GJ Jackie | 12.9.2009 | 10:21 am

    Great radio interview, Fatty. (Starts at 46+ minutes.) Proud to be a part of the team!

  14. Comment by Ronnie | 12.9.2009 | 10:23 am

    Oh you’re going Fatty. And you’re taking the helmet cam (please take the helmet cam) and if you have to you’ll bring your own ham sandwiches and brats! And for all of us out here who dream of such a chance, when they least expect it, breakaway and enjoy the fact that you dropped Team Radioshack. Go Fatty!!

  15. Comment by Amelia | 12.9.2009 | 10:28 am

    Way to go! I had a hard time reading that letter after “nobody in the world likes Brussel sprouts.” I guess I’m a nobody, but I had to share my recipe for delicious brussel sprouts:

    Get a whole bunch of brussel sprouts (fresh, ideally) and slice in half, or quarters if they’re big and gently steam (covered) in a med-hot pan with a little water and a little melted butter or olive oil. Once they’re tender but not mushy, take the top off the pan, add a little more butter or olive oil and some finely chopped shallots and saute until everything is slightly browned. Salt and pepper to taste and serve.

    This recipe isn’t nearly as amazing as what you’ve done over the past few days though! Have fun in Arizona!

  16. Comment by Kathy McElhaney | 12.9.2009 | 10:28 am

    I want to leave a witty comment but all I can say is LOL!!! Classic post!

    Congrats again on hitting $100K, have a great time in Tuscon!


  17. Comment by AngieG | 12.9.2009 | 10:31 am

    Work on that kit while your there will ya! Take no prisoners. They may be pros, but YOU are THE Fat Cyclist. And wear the BKB kit, its fierce.

    Can’t wait for the reviews.

    Oh and a word of warning if you drive in AZ, they have this really cool Photo enforcement of the their speed limit laws. I discovered this while traveling to Livestrong Austin, and yes I was traveling in excess of the speed limit. The big flash of light got my attention then I noticed the sign. Still waiting for my formal “Welcome to Arizona” notice. Maybe I was going so fast they couldn’t get the license plate number. :-)

    Take Care and mash those pedals.

  18. Comment by chtrich | 12.9.2009 | 10:31 am

    What’s the prize for today’s additional $50k? :-)

  19. Comment by Ryan in the Rock | 12.9.2009 | 10:32 am

    I will be fully disappointed if there are not some sweet swivel cam posts on the blog next week.

  20. Comment by NYCCarlos | 12.9.2009 | 10:33 am

    c’mon… levi weighs at LEAST 100 lbs :-P

    very funny dude… so glad to be part of such a great team. :)


  21. Comment by bikemike | 12.9.2009 | 10:37 am

    what a bunch of whinney cry babies. crush them hard and grind up the brussel sprouts and put them in their energy drinks.

    Lance is right though, nineteen inches of duct tape does allow for back to the future writing. RCA cables will work also but USB is quicker.

  22. Comment by Dan in Sac | 12.9.2009 | 10:38 am

    I think someone is excited about their upcoming triiiiiip.

  23. Comment by Mike Robson | 12.9.2009 | 10:40 am

    Wow, always good for a laugh.

  24. Comment by Boodabikes | 12.9.2009 | 10:41 am

    Hey Fatty, bring your cold weather gear this weekend, we are having a cold snap down here and everyone had to go to their storage units and break out their parkas, it’s only getting up to 60deg today in Phoenix so Tucson should be about 5deg cooler, and we might get rain this weekend again too. Have a blast down here, you deserve it. We’ll be riding vicariously with you this weekend.

  25. Comment by DC | 12.9.2009 | 10:43 am

    LOL – Great post!
    Props to Philly Jen got her thumb on the pulse of
    Team Radio Shack!

  26. Comment by Sasha | 12.9.2009 | 10:45 am

    ROF LMAO!!!!! OH wow, I’m so glad I’m alone at work in my cubicle because that was HYSTERICAL! OMW! WOW. *wiping tears* (from laughing so hard) Fatty, you rock. No doubt about it. I am SO impressed by Johan for entertaining having you come to their training camp – how cool is that?!, by the generosity of Gary Fisher (love my Fisher bike!), by the generosity of Trek (would LOVE that bike), by the generosity of Trek Travel for providing the trip to the Tour de France, to Nick Howe for the awesome jerseys, for the awesome artist who will personalize the Superfly, to all your wonderful followers who made this possible and have left me in awe, speechless, in tears by how wonderful they are (I guess I’m kinda one of them too). I’m SO honored to be a part of the Fat Cyclist movement. Wow. This is too cool. Please, please, please take lots of photos, give Johan a HUGE hug for us, and please write about your adventures. I think you should become a professional writer or a comedian cause dang, you are downright hysterical! I’d pay to see you. :)

    PS Husband found out I had joined the FatCylist team for Austin. And donated a $100 on top of the $35 registration fee. Got in a little (okay A LOT )trouble cause I hadn’t talked with him about it first and it’s a big chunk of change considering we are on a get-out-of-debt-sooner-rather-than-later plan. He wasn’t mad about the money part though, just that he thought I was keeping it from him. Which I kinda was cause we live in Alaska and I know how expensive it is to get TWO tickets out of here as well as having to pay extra cause I’m bringing my bike AND we have to get a rental car AND find a place to stay. Yep, I kinda leapt in w/o looking cause I’m somewhat impulsive. Oh boy. :) So anyway. Yeah, sometimes I’m not the brightest bulb in the bunch!

  27. Comment by SurlyCommuter | 12.9.2009 | 10:45 am

    Instead of the sharpie – you may just want to print up some Team FatShack iron-on’s to bring along (or a nice appliqué) Good work sir!

  28. Comment by Road Divit | 12.9.2009 | 10:47 am

    Props to the Fatty Clan -
    Our only hope is that the fruity Michelob line will sponsor Tiger, that way it will be dropped from the grocery store shleves quickly

  29. Comment by MOCougFan | 12.9.2009 | 10:52 am

    Vintage FC. Loved it.

    Make sure you try to pass around the avacado tortillas. They’re much better than ham sandwiches.

  30. Comment by Cyclin' Missy | 12.9.2009 | 10:52 am

    Woo hoo! $100,000! That’s a big chunk toward the 1 million in 2009 goal. Got pretty darned close. Maybe in 2010!

  31. Comment by Chris B | 12.9.2009 | 10:53 am

    If you get a chance can you tell Sam Bewley ( that we are stoked that he’s riding with the big boys. You’ll have trouble with the accent but push on through it’ll be worthwhile :) Hope he has a good season on his first big team and hope he can avoid your pileup to become the captain!

  32. Comment by OldManUtah | 12.9.2009 | 10:54 am

    OK a friendly reminder to all. Do read this blog and drink soda at the same time. enough said.

    roll on Fatty, enjoy the weekend. Helmet cam. Digital camera. Ham sandwich. camelback water bottles.


  33. Comment by Gil Middlebrooks | 12.9.2009 | 11:00 am

    The funniest part was the Horner comment.

  34. Comment by M2 | 12.9.2009 | 11:00 am

    AngieG / Fatty,

    “Oh and a word of warning if you drive in AZ…”

    Photo enforcement here in the city of Tucson is triggered at 11 mph over the posted speed limit.

    Congratulations and welcome to Tucson, Fatty! As Lance said in his press conference yesterday, “Tucson is a cycling mecca…”.

    Enjoy the ride!

  35. Comment by Mike Green | 12.9.2009 | 11:09 am

    “You, Fatty, are a chatterbox. A gluttonous, non-line-holding, erratic pedaling chatterbox.”


  36. Comment by kolwave | 12.9.2009 | 11:09 am

    Haha. Awesome!

    At some point (because you’re not *that* busy) would it be possible to get:

    (1) # donations by amount increments … it was pretty cool to hit ‘refresh’ and see the total jump by anywhere from $5 to $100. Those $5 added up really fast!

    (2) donations by map … did you get any from Antarctica? I wouldn’t be surprised.

    Good luck in Tucson! Can’t wait to read about it :-)

  37. Comment by Paul F. | 12.9.2009 | 11:11 am

    I have to agree with Gil. I was already (respectfully) laughing out loud, but when I hit the PS about Horner I truly belted out a laugh, which I had to explain to co-workers.

  38. Comment by Mike Childs | 12.9.2009 | 11:11 am

    I just barely stopped laughing long enough to type this comment. Classic! Have a great time in sunny Arizona!

  39. Comment by MattC | 12.9.2009 | 11:17 am

    One of your all time best…(which I seem to say a LOT)…Loved that Popo got KOM points for landing on top of the pile! I was snorting pretty good all the way thru! Have a GREAT time at camp Fatty…we will all be anxiously awaiting the dirty details!

  40. Comment by Carl | 12.9.2009 | 11:19 am

    What a hilarious post!!! But, have you considered how much they are going to make you pay on the bike? Have fun Fatty!!!

  41. Comment by Heather | 12.9.2009 | 11:20 am

    CONGRATS!! What an amazing opportunity. What an inspiring story. And a GREAT post! Thanks for the reminder of why I shouldn’t eat and read Fatty at the same time. Why do I always forget that?!? Can’t wait to read the posts after the weekend!! Enjoy Tucson – you deserve it.

  42. Comment by NYCCarlos | 12.9.2009 | 11:20 am

    to tack on to what kolwave said, can we get some other stats too like mean and median donation amounts as well as total number of donors? I would really really love to see the breakdown!

  43. Comment by Steve | 12.9.2009 | 11:38 am

    No Fat Cyclist trip to Tucson would be complete without completing two culinary agenda items.

    1. Got to La Indita. Have the flat enchiladas.
    2. Frybread at the San Xavier mission.

    And if you can sneak in rides at East Saguaro National Park and Sabino Canyon, do it. The East Saguaro loop is like a roller coaster for your bike. Sabino Canyon will just make you glad when you get to the top and can stop pedaling.

  44. Comment by Anonymous | 12.9.2009 | 11:44 am

    so, if I didn’t get ’round to contributing yet, can I still donate for a chance at a prize? or did I miss it?

  45. Comment by Rob M. | 12.9.2009 | 11:53 am

    Great Post. And very funny.

    But not as funny as that Team Radio Shack jersey. Is that a joke? Would anyone spend $50 to $100 to buy one? Would anyone be proud to wear one?

    It needs more enhancement than a Sharpie can offer.

    Come on, I’m already a fan of the team and I want to show my support. This is not up to the high standard set by Lance and Johan. Get something bold. It’s time to go back to the drawing board. Where’s TwinSix when you need them?

  46. Comment by Chris Horner | 12.9.2009 | 11:54 am

    Seriously Lance, my crash was remotely related to this incident. I slid out on an avacado sandwich that Fatty dropped on the way to the Radio Shack ride. I’d type more, but I have to use my nose on the iPhone because of the traction equipment holding my broken arms in place.

    Stay home Fatty…please…

  47. Comment by brokeMBA | 12.9.2009 | 11:58 am

    Strange how LA’s writing style is so similar to Fatty’s…hmmm…and they are on the same team now…hmmm…perhaps they are one in the same person? By that logic…FATTY won the TdF quite a few times! Sweet!

    On a serious note (nah), Fatty, when you show up in AZ you will be subjected to your first doping control test! LOL!!! I hope you pass!!!

  48. Comment by FatPedro | 12.9.2009 | 12:00 pm

    Did Lance happen to follow up with a mention of the name of the hospital? I would like to send some flowers to arrive right around the time the Team RadioShack ambulance pulls in.

    Apparently Bruyneel has still got lighting-quick reflexes and was able to avoid plowing the team car into the pile ‘o humanity. Thank God!

  49. Comment by Steph | 12.9.2009 | 12:00 pm

    OMG! Hysterical!

  50. Comment by martinsillo | 12.9.2009 | 12:10 pm

    man I was so obsessed refreshing yesterday post that I miss this from the beginning!

    you are just great Fatty! period… go there and have fun! don’t listen to Lance!

  51. Comment by sdcadbiker | 12.9.2009 | 12:14 pm

    “Two days later, he remains unable to speak, and screams in his sleep. What kind of monster are you, Fatty?”

    Note to self: don’t drink coffee while reading fatcyclist…

    Best. Post. Ever.

  52. Pingback by Remarkable « Off the Gravel Road | 12.9.2009 | 12:20 pm

    [...] Well, Fatty can… in roughly 48 hours. [...]

  53. Comment by KJ | 12.9.2009 | 12:27 pm

    Great post. Enjoy the weekend. That Radio Shack jersey is a made to order gift for a humorist such as yourself. Please post your thoughts on it next week.

  54. Comment by Jodi wait, I mean Not Jodi | 12.9.2009 | 12:30 pm

    I am writing to you from the “Oh No You Didn’t Defame Brussel Sprouts Defamation League.” There is nothing funny about mocking brussel sprouts. Why don’t you just take aim at snap peas while you’re at it? Or the much maligned endive? In any case, Mr. Funny Pants Fatty – good luck in Tucson. You’re awesome. Except for the afore mentioned brussel sprout thing.

  55. Comment by Brian | 12.9.2009 | 12:34 pm

    Fatty –

    Forget the ham sandwiches while you are here. Substitute a Sonoran Style hot dog from El Guero Canelo. They even made the New York Times (

    If you’d like, I can probably have a musette bag of ‘em ready in a feed zone as you ride by.

  56. Comment by Di | 12.9.2009 | 12:45 pm


    Lance should know that it is against the rules to tamper with the past. Hasn’t he ever watched “Back to the Future” parts I, II, and III!?

    You must go to Tuscon. You simply must. If you don’t, something much worse may happen.

    Also, you should probably send an email to the current Lance Armstrong letting him know about the rules regarding the past, and that he should probably watch the “Back to the Future” trilogy.

    Happy trails.


  57. Comment by Barbara | 12.9.2009 | 12:49 pm

    Just as I was thinking, “He forgot Chris Horner, who is almost as funny as he is and has broken every bone in his body”, I saw the PS – just brilliant! Anyone who is still drinking stuff while reading FatCyclist is a slow learner.

    Congrats on this amazing 3 days, Elden and Team Fatty everywhere!

  58. Comment by Janneke | 12.9.2009 | 1:01 pm

    Sounds like someone had a nightmare!! Have loads of fun, oh and I do want to go to Paris!! (flights are cheaper from holland… )
    FLS forever!

  59. Comment by Brandy | 12.9.2009 | 1:02 pm

    this is almost my favorite post ever. I am glad to see Micholob Ultra is useful for something. As it is not used for TASTE!!

    Ride Safe & have fun w/Radio Shack!!

    Fighting like Susan.

  60. Comment by MattC | 12.9.2009 | 1:27 pm

    I have been planning on trying Michelob Ultra (various flavors) in my chain cleaner…will get back to you on which flav does the best job (if any). If not, I’ll just keep looking for SOMETHING useful for the stuff. It’s certainly not meant for human consumption…thats a given!

  61. Comment by Rob L | 12.9.2009 | 1:41 pm

    Awesome work to Team Fatty for kicking this goal to the curb.

    That letter was the funniest thing i’ve seen in a REAL LONG TIME!!! Classic.

  62. Comment by Brussle Sprouts Union | 12.9.2009 | 1:52 pm

    Brussel Sprouts Union is officially implementing a cease and desist order on the slanderous Fat Cylist.

    You’ve been warned.

  63. Comment by bikemike | 12.9.2009 | 1:53 pm

    they don’t even know how to spell their own name…idiots.

  64. Comment by Slowtrain | 12.9.2009 | 2:13 pm

    I heard through some doctor colleagues that Lance suffered a “purple snipe” in the pileup. We all know that he tweets just about anything, so let’s hope that this time common sense will prevail and he’ll stop short of posting a “TwitPic”! Congrats to all of Team Fatty on a great job. Enjoy camp, you deserve it!

  65. Comment by Jason Dannettel | 12.9.2009 | 2:16 pm

    I would first like to say congrats on making the 100K level for donations. AND doing it in less than a week… that’s amazing. I hope that you have a great time in Tucson (the weather down here today is a beautiful 65-70 degrees). Maybe I’ll get to see you out on the road.

  66. Comment by Tommy F | 12.9.2009 | 2:18 pm

    Shaking my head in awe of your blogging genius…and massive quads.

  67. Comment by CJ | 12.9.2009 | 2:19 pm

    This is all awesome – Hope you’ll really enjoy the weekend, just make sure and post some updates or tweet during.

  68. Comment by Jason Dannettel | 12.9.2009 | 2:21 pm

    In response to Steve’s comment about where to ride, I’d say that making it to the top of Madera Canyon would be a great destination as well. Saguaro National Park is a wonderful 8-mile stretch of road with little or no traffic. Takes 20-ish minutes for us mere mortals but with your monstrous climbing ability I’d say 18 or 19 minutes is definitely a possibility.

  69. Comment by Cat | 12.9.2009 | 2:43 pm

    “I flew like an angel. Briefly.”


  70. Comment by Niall @ Brisvegas | 12.9.2009 | 3:34 pm

    You have such a vivid imagination for one minute I thought you were also a journalist on my local paper here in Brisbane, “The Courier Mail”, but then I decided you had too many scruples and more kudos to work there.

    By the way, I, too, like brussel sprouts. I also like in the same way pickled onions (in fact pickled anything) and curried eggs. My wife doesn’t like it when I eat any of those things though.

  71. Comment by Russell | 12.9.2009 | 4:01 pm

    It sounds like you had fun on your up coming weekend! I was going to tell you to kick those weenies in the ass, but it looks like you’re already on it, err, taken care of it. You really might want to go easy on Horner…

  72. Comment by NYCCarlos | 12.9.2009 | 4:15 pm

    I’d like to point out that we’re at $111,772 now… we’re nearly $12k over goal, and still killing it.

  73. Comment by Jenni | 12.9.2009 | 4:20 pm

    When are winners being announced?!

  74. Comment by Bicycle Bill | 12.9.2009 | 4:25 pm

    It’s obvious the Fat Man has only lost weight, not his sense of humor.

  75. Comment by Triflefat | 12.9.2009 | 4:33 pm

    @louisbaker 10.09am. You just about earned redemption with that comment!

    @fatty. So you not only get to ride with the big boys, but you already know in advance that you are going to single-handedly drop Lance (protected rider), Levi (super domestique -sorry SBJ) and the majority of the remaining Radioshack domestiques!! Except for the fact that the price of this glorious achievement will be a mountain of small men piling on top of your already damaged body in rapid succession, HOW SWEET IS THAT?

  76. Comment by PedalPink | 12.9.2009 | 5:17 pm


    Team Fatty raised almost $800,000 in donations at the four LiveStrong cities in 2009. Add the $112,481 raised so far in the “send Fatty to camp” event, and we are close to our goal to raise One Million! I am so proud to be a member. Have a great time this weekend.

  77. Comment by Haven (KT) | 12.9.2009 | 5:30 pm

    Team Fatty: you rock. Seriously. How awesome is it that the Team raised over 100K in just a few days??? I’ll tell you how awesome: incredibly awesome.

    Great email, Lance, but I think you’re trying to get Fatty to stay away because you’re afraid he’s going to show you up. He’s better than you at fundraising, funnier than you, better looking than you, and has better taste in snacks. I think you’re afraid that once Johan and the rest of the team see how good Fatty is, you’ll be replaced as team leader. You’ll get to “run back to the team car and pick up an avocado and mayo sandwich” for Fatty.

    Mmmm… avocado…. :)

  78. Comment by Shaun from AUS | 12.9.2009 | 5:30 pm

    So after you single handedly wipe out the team will there be a chance to join the new squad because I doubt if any (except Kloden) will ever recover.

  79. Comment by TXBuckeye | 12.9.2009 | 5:32 pm

    I just picked myself off the floor. THAT was classic. You better watch your back, Fatty. After reading that post, I think all of Team RadioShack now has plans to ride you into the ditch or off a cliff – especially Levi and Eki. We may never hear from you again.

  80. Comment by Miles Archer | 12.9.2009 | 5:53 pm

    Thank you for attempting comedy again on this blog.

    Oh, and be sure to give Lance a few tire changing tips this weekend.

  81. Comment by Dave04 | 12.9.2009 | 6:02 pm

    Has it been announced when the drawings are going to be held?

  82. Comment by Philly Jen | 12.9.2009 | 6:04 pm

    P.S. Andreas Klöden wants his umlaut back…

  83. Comment by BamaJim | 12.9.2009 | 6:57 pm

    Hmmm.. wasn’t aware you could send email from the future, though I have received meeting invites for events that were in the past. I’d say ignore the email and have fun – carefully

  84. Comment by nblatchley | 12.9.2009 | 7:02 pm

    How many times is that now?

  85. Comment by fatfreediver | 12.9.2009 | 7:53 pm

    I love brussell sprouts.

    I also love Arizona gun laws. As long as it’s visible, and properly holstered, it’s legal. Be sure to borrow some hardware when you arrive and ride properly accoutremented.

  86. Comment by The other Matt C | 12.9.2009 | 9:24 pm

    Whoo hoo…and from the looks of it (, they saved a bed for you:

    Training Camp Rooming List


    Lance Armstrong

    Sam Bewley & Daryl Impey

    Jani Brajkovic & Jason McCartney

    Matthew Busche & Bjorn Selander

    Chris Horner & Levi Leipheimer

    Markel Irizar & Haimar Zubeldia

    Andreas Klöden & Gregory Rast

    Geoffroy Lequatre & Jose Luis Rubiera

    Tiago Machado & Sergio Paulinho

    Dmitriy Muravyev & Tomas Vaitkus

    Yaroslav Popovych & Ivan Rovny

    Sébastian Rosseler & Gert Steegmans


  87. Comment by Zed | 12.9.2009 | 9:50 pm

    So … looks like I picked the WRONG three days to take a temporary sabbatical from reading your blog!

    That’s just too awesome, Fatty. Have fun at camp this weekend!

  88. Comment by Mark | 12.10.2009 | 12:08 am

    Oh man that was a great read.

  89. Comment by Alex N | 12.10.2009 | 7:10 am

    Brilliant post Fatty, thanks for the Thursday morning chuckles.

    I’m pretty sure the Twin Six guys could rustle up something a darn sight more stylish than the RS kit before you have to leave if you ask them nicely…

    Have a fantastic time at camp, if there isn’t a special ‘thankyou’ waiting for you when you arrive (quite seperate to the prizes they offered for the draw), then I’d be very surprised. You certainly deserve it!

  90. Comment by chefjt | 12.10.2009 | 7:56 am

    Can’t stop laughing at this post. I strongly suggest you convince T6 to work on a jersey design for team Radio Shack. The one’s I’ve seen so far have been horrible!

    Have a great time, hope the kids are well, happy holidays!

  91. Comment by DallasBikr | 12.10.2009 | 8:12 am

    Awesome reading to start the day off! FLS!!!

  92. Comment by Doug Gage | 12.10.2009 | 9:32 am

    Lol..that sounds like a nightmare you get after eating too many spicy brats and drinking too much warm Michelob Ultra or Bud light lime.
    Have a good time!

  93. Comment by UK Biking | 12.10.2009 | 9:40 am

    Excellent stuff!

  94. Comment by NCBiker | 12.10.2009 | 10:32 am

    Great post! The Horner post script made me laugh so hard I cried.

  95. Comment by KLoCylcles | 12.10.2009 | 12:42 pm

    That is hilarious, so much better to read than what is going on in Congress right now!

  96. Comment by Dr. Randal Mandos | 12.10.2009 | 2:33 pm

    Hilarious. None of that Julia Child inspired non-sense…well, on second thought…

  97. Pingback by Daily Roundup: Tough grrrl, Fat Cyclist—Fat Fundraiser, Shipping your bike for holidays, Wrongful deaths & more « Bike Intelligencer | 12.11.2009 | 4:16 am

    [...] Have you been watching what’s going on over at Fat Cyclist? I mean, $100,000+ in less than 3 days??? [...]


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