The Problem of Happiness
It’s been a while since I’ve written a “How’s Fatty Doing?” post. The reason for this is pretty simple: I haven’t wanted to.
Why I haven’t wanted to, however, is a little more complex.
So today I’m going to try to explain what’s going on in my head, and I’ll deal with the feedback as it comes.
The Short Version Is Not Short
I could — if I were the kind of person who keeps things short and sweet — simply say, “I am happy.”
However, if I were the kind of person who keeps things short and sweet, I would not be the kind of person who could write — pretty much daily — about riding a bicycle for close to five years.
And besides, how I feel is a little more complicated than straight-up happiness.
It’s been about 5.5 months since Susan passed away. So when I say “I’m happy,” I worry. About a few things:
- Should I be happy so soon?
- Will people think I am a bad person for being happy?
- If I’m happy, does that mean I’ve changed?
Honestly, I haven’t worked through the answers to all of these questions to my satisfaction. But I’m going to try to explain where I stand right now.
Should I Be Happy So Soon? Am I a Bad Person for Being Happy?
Maybe it’s a guy thing. Maybe it’s just a “me” thing. But regardless of how I feel, when asked I tend to dial it back a few notches. Back when Susan was extremely ill and getting worse, I would say, “I’m doing OK.”
When in fact I was far from OK. I was exhausted. Frightened. Alone.
Now, on the other hand, when people ask me how I’m doing, I say, “I’m doing OK.” In spite of the fact that I am, once again, far from OK. It’s just that I’m far from OK in the other direction. I’m energized. Hopeful. In love with someone who has known me for fifteen years and loves doing the same stuff I do.
So why don’t I have an easy time saying that? I think it’s for a couple of reasons. The first is that I expect people will think I am doing Susan’s memory an injustice. She died just last Summer, after all. And some people have in fact said this, although — interestingly — they always do so under cover of anonymity.
The people who know me in real life, on the other hand — and by “in real life,” I mean in-person, as well as those of you who have followed me long enough that when I meet you in the physical world I still don’t have any new stories to tell you — often make the observation that the day Susan died was hardly the day that I started the grieving process. That it was hardly the day that our relationship changed.
That day was probably sometime around three years ago, when I began the transition from husband to nurse. As I grieved daily over the loss of Susan’s physical and mental ability. As each month brought a new problem without a solution. As she died over the course of years.
Over the course of a few years, as I took care of her every physical need — well beyond what I’ve described or will ever describe here — Susan’s and my relationship deepened in some ways, and changed in others. It’s inevitable, I now think, and even desirable. I consider it my life’s finest accomplishment that I was able to adapt to be whatever she needed.
Meanwhile, of course, Susan could not take care of me in any way whatsoever. Not because she didn’t want to — she did– but simply because she could not.
Which is the heart of the Caretaker’s dilemma: finding the strength to give continuously, without expectation of getting anything back. I really believe that it’s possible, that anyone can find that strength for however long you need to find it.
I guess my point is that by the time Susan passed way, I had been grieving for years. And her loss, in my case, meant that I could finally stop grieving. That I could finally stop worrying about in what way I would lose her next.
It also put me in a position that — as surprised as I was to find it so quickly — I appreciated someone (who is a nurse by profession, maybe not coincidentally) who wants to — and is able to — give back. Someone who understands what I’ve gone through. Someone who knew and misses Susan, too.
So to some people, yes, it must seem like I’m happy very soon after my wife’s passing. From my point of view, though, a dose of happiness has been a long time coming, and I doubt there are many people who appreciate it more.
Have I Changed?
Something I have seen in comments pretty frequently lately is that I have changed. This bothered me — still bothers me, really — because I don’t want to become the jerk some people evidently think I am becoming (or have become).
Here’s how I make sense of it so far.
For the first time in as long as I can remember, I am not taking care of a very sick wife. A few months ago, for the first time in my life, I had an immediate family member pass away. For the first time in 20+ years, I am a single man. For the first time in 21+ years, I am dating.
When I consider all this, I find myself wondering how weird it would be if I didn’t act a little bit differently right now. If, in spite of a huge cascade of giant life events, I continued to act exactly the same.
So yeah, I’m probably acting a little differently. But I would estimate that difference at about 1%. It makes me wonder if the people who see me as being a lot different really knew me at all before the horror of last Summer. That was when I was being a lot different. If the way you expect me to behave for the rest of my life is the way I behaved as my wife was dying, well, I just don’t have anything to offer you.
Still, there has been one difference in my behavior I’ve noticed that I am not very proud of. Namely, in the past month or so I have not done much in the fight against cancer.
The reason for this, I think, is not too different from the reason I recently had a strong aversion to putting together a big program for a religious event for my daughters: putting together a program — any program — reminded me too strongly of putting together the program for my wife’s funeral.
People hounded me about my daughters’ program, saying I was late, that I needed to get moving on it, and I just didn’t want to. And I was too embarrassed to explain why.
It’s been kind of like that with the cancer fundraising stuff. Last year, that was my tether, my way of making something good out of something bad.
For the past little while, it’s been a strong reminder of what was a darker and more difficult time than I’ve ever told anyone. I’ve wanted, lately, a break. To have fun and concentrate on telling jokes. To stop thinking and talking about cancer.
But it was just a break. I will not ever stop that fight, and you should expect to hear more from me on that in the very near future.
And In Conclusion…
Seriously, have you ever had a more long-winded explanation of why someone has the right to be happy?
Comment by whitney | 01.26.2010 | 11:50 am
Fatty,
You are da bomb. And if you are changing, it’s changing for the better, and that can’t be a bad thing.
I understand, to a degree, your qualms about feeling happy, or announcing that you’re happy, too “quickly” for some people. A buddy of mine (a reporter in Chicago), died two Sundays ago. Cancer. On Thursday after the wake, we were drinking at his bar and having a great time. And then I started to feel guilty for being “happy” when I had just buried my friend. But ‘Los — like Susan — had been dying for years; it’s just now he was free from his suffering.
You loved Susan like no other, and you were completely devoted to her. When I read your obituary for her — describing how you met, how you got married, etc — I cried. Your relationship was so deep, so loving. You probably still are, in many respects. That doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy your life. It would be a shame if you weren’t able to enjoy life.
But you should plan more events to fight cancer. I hate cancer.
Comment by Peter | 01.26.2010 | 11:53 am
Wanting to take a break from all that is more than understandable. I’m not sure who the naysayers are who are suggesting that you shouldn’t be happy, but I would pay them no heed.
Personally, I’ve enjoyed your posts recently where you’ve been happy. We all deserve to be happy, with people in the same sort of situation as yourself and your family more than most.
The people who don’t want that for you? Tell them to play a game of hide and go f*ck themselves.
Comment by Al | 01.26.2010 | 11:55 am
Never judge a man until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes (then, you’re a mile away,and you have their shoes!)
Ignore the naysayers. I’m sure your late wife would have wanted you to be happy.
Comment by erin | 01.26.2010 | 11:55 am
You deserve all the happiness in the world! So sorry that some people don’t understand.
Comment by Morgan | 01.26.2010 | 11:55 am
EVERYONE, including Fatty, deserves to be happy. Good on ya’. Go ride.
Comment by Jeff. | 01.26.2010 | 11:56 am
For the record, I think the section titled ‘Have I changed?’ nailed it. Enjoy your break, Fatty, and try not to take the peanut gallery too seriously.
P.S. While you’re returning to the levity of years past, can I request a fake news item or two?
Comment by aPalek | 01.26.2010 | 11:56 am
First of all, I’m a long time reader and I think a first time commenter.
I was a teenager when my dad fought hard and lost his long battle with cancer. I can completely understand where you’re coming from with your mixed feelings of grief and relief.
To keep it short and sweet, just live your life for you and your family. Let the naysayers say nay and keep on keeping on.
I think people such as yourself who have lived a lifetime worth of sadness need some happiness.
Comment by tibiker | 01.26.2010 | 11:57 am
Anyone who has lost someone close to them to cancer will be able to empathize with how you felt, when and how you grieved and the strange relief that you feel after their passing. I grieved from the very first moment my dad was diagnosed and the grieving lasted long after his passing, but it was different after he passed. I could finally be happy for him that his battle and suffering were over. I often found myself afraid to let anyone see me being happy for the longest time after his death for fear that they would think that I wasn’t grieving enough. But I took comfort that my dad would want me to be happy, and that the old cliche’ about “life goes on” really has some truth to it. Be happy, you deserve it more than anyone I know.
Comment by blinddrew | 01.26.2010 | 11:58 am
If anyone think of someone who deserves a break more then, well, hell i’d like to be that person’s friend too! Even a virtual friend like this. But you’ve done incredible things in the fight against cancer, take your time, enjoy being happy; these moments come round rarely enough.
Comment by dug | 01.26.2010 | 11:59 am
happy people are happy. and when they are not, they try to be happy again. it’s not that complicated.
Yeah, but give me a minute and I’ll find a way to make it complicated. – FC
Comment by sando | 01.26.2010 | 12:00 pm
Fatty – you are a good man. And your beautiful kids don’t just need you, they need you to be happy too. Keep living, keep loving and don’t be embarrassed if you find yourself smiling every once in a while. The world is a crazy place, filled with so much sadness (see Haiti) that none of us should feel guilty of happiness… we who are so blessed to have a little are only obligated to share it.
Comment by Jonnie J | 01.26.2010 | 12:00 pm
Happiness is the design of our existence. True meaningful and everlasting happiness. We are all after the same thing. Glad you have refound it.
Comment by Uphillbattle | 01.26.2010 | 12:04 pm
Elden…I am so happy that you are happy. I am sure that Susan herself would approve of your happiness. Ignore the naysayers…we all know that life is too short. Enjoy! Be happy! Keep Sharing your happiness!
Comment by KovasP | 01.26.2010 | 12:05 pm
Fatty, If this explanation doesn’t please everybody (and it won’t), rest assured that everyone deserves to be happy. Your happiness is a gift to yourself for all that you’ve been through and a gift to your family for being there when you needed them. Enjoy.
Comment by The Chort | 01.26.2010 | 12:05 pm
Did you get the program done?
Yeah, I got it done. – FC
Comment by brian | 01.26.2010 | 12:09 pm
You definitely should NOT feel guilty for moving on with your life. It’s what Susan would have wanted – I’d imagine you and she had the conversation that she wanted you to find someone else after she was gone. It’s what’s best for you;it’s what’s best for your kids.
I have a good friend who was married 6 weeks after his wife died of cancer – in his case, he didn’t meet her until after his wife died. This was largely because his wife made him promise to find someone as soon as possible. I’m sure a lot of people were critical of that, but they are still super happy 10 years later and it was the best possible choice for him and his 4 children.
Of course you are going to get a random troll comment here and there on your blog but I’m sure the VAST silent majority of us are 100% behind you.
I hope you and your blog changes over time – it will get boring if it doesn’t. You should be and are progressing.
2 more days until my wife & I head to St George to mountain bike!
Comment by The Wessiah | 01.26.2010 | 12:09 pm
Fatty, Be happy, love and go on living, and fighting with pride.
Comment by MattC | 01.26.2010 | 12:13 pm
Awesome post today Fatty! I think you hit the nail on the head many many times today. Rock on! I didn’t even lose anyone to cancer last year, and I still desperatly NEEDED a break from my fundraising! I can’t possibly fathom how you must feel/have felt. I have just finally begun my fundraising efforts again last week (in a very small way) but will continue to escalate my efforts in the coming weeks/months. When you are ready, we will still be here. We’ve got your back.
And for all those on the fence about joining the teams (or already on the teams but still kicking back)…well, not to get on a soapbox or anything, but every day you let slide without joining or commencing your fundraising is a day you can’t get back. My biggest regret last year was that I didn’t start sooner. So this year I’ve fixed that. And once again will give it best efforts…and this year, with no regrets.
Comment by Leslie | 01.26.2010 | 12:15 pm
You feel how you feel. The grieving process is long and complicated and different for everyone. My first husband died when he was 37 and I was 35, and while his death was sudden, unlike Susan’s, the year after was filled with overwhelming change and newness and difference and complexity, just as I see you going through. I say “the year after,” but really it’s the whole life after. One thing that helped me back then was meeting several women who were in a similar position–young widows. They, more than anyone, understood what I was going through; we talked and listened to each other a lot. I’m sure that through your work you’ve met lots of people who have similar experiences coping with loved ones and cancer, but there’s something unique about the loss of a young spouse, and it was almost relaxing to be able to express that complexity with people who understood. I’ve been reading your blog for years and have gained so much watching you travel your journey, and I admire you for sharing it with such honesty.
Comment by hak1308 | 01.26.2010 | 12:15 pm
Hi Fatty
I have followed your blog since Lance mentioned you last summer, and from what I can tell is that you are a good person with a good heart. I firmly believe that life is a test for human beings and whatever they are thrown (good or challenging), it is a test. And I think you are passing with flying colors! Everyone deserves to be happy!
Best of Luck.
Comment by Jason Crane | RocBike.com | 01.26.2010 | 12:17 pm
With you 100%, brother. You’re an inspiration.
Comment by Mark | 01.26.2010 | 12:18 pm
“Which is the heart of the Caretaker’s dilemma: finding the strength to give continuously, without expectation of getting anything back. I really believe that it’s possible, that anyone can find that strength for however long you need to find it.”
That paragraph right there is all you really needed to say to “convice” me that you should be happy. If everyone had that level of commitment, then everyone would be, and would deserve to be, happy. Enjoy your changes!
Comment by kenny | 01.26.2010 | 12:18 pm
Dude, Don’t explain it. Just be.
But then all I’d have to put in the blog would be topless pictures of you. – FC
Comment by sprty | 01.26.2010 | 12:20 pm
Fatty, you owe it to your wife’s memory to be happy!
Comment by Banger | 01.26.2010 | 12:20 pm
You are definately a person that deserves to be happy. Feel free to ignore the haters.
The only change I see that is of any concern to me is the change in your hobbies. You may be becoming a triathlete. Many cyclists would find that disturbing. Personally I don’t hate triathletes. I just feel sad for them. I get so much joy from riding my bike I can’t imagine feeling the need to run or swim.
Comment by sprty | 01.26.2010 | 12:21 pm
By the way, did you grow up Catholic? Toss that guilt dude!
Comment by Angela | 01.26.2010 | 12:21 pm
Life is short. Enjoy the new love you’ve found. If anyone deserves happiness, you do! Hooray for you and the Runner! I love happy endings!
Comment by Sean | 01.26.2010 | 12:24 pm
Life is short and brutal, you deserve to be happy and the guilt is just an expression of the fact that your a pretty decent bloke, enjoy your happiness it does not diminish what went before.
Comment by Jenny | 01.26.2010 | 12:24 pm
Fatty, you have every right to be happy. Anonymous judgment comes far too often and quickly on the internet. Be happy. You had a long hard battle against cancer with your wife, to dwell on that could only sink into a depression.
Smile :)
Comment by AnneJuliet | 01.26.2010 | 12:24 pm
fatty, you have every right do live your life without explanation. i think it took me 10 years before i even started the fight against cancer after mom died. you are an inspiration and deserve happiness however it comes. we can’t pick these opportunities and are fools to pass them up when the come, even if the timing doesn’t fit some socially acceptable schedule. life’s too short: THAT is a hard lesson we learn when we lose someone.
Comment by km | 01.26.2010 | 12:24 pm
Dude….be happy. Enjoy the ride as it happens, no ride is ever the same, even if the route is.
Comment by Leigh | 01.26.2010 | 12:25 pm
Fatty,
I don’t know you “in real life” but I have followed your blog for a couple of years now. I think you did an incredible job of taking care of Susan. Having been a caregiver for my mom while she was dying from cancer, I can recognize some of the feelings you describe regarding your grieving process.
You deserve to be happy, (and it sounds like you know that, which is great). You and Susan had a wonderful marriage that was cut short by the unfairness of cancer. Why should unfairness continue? Despite people’s claims that moving on sooner rather than later is somehow dishonoring to Susan’s memory, life DOES and WILL go on. Your children need you and they need you happy. Not brooding. Not moping.
Of course, it appears I’m preaching to the choir. Lol. I’m glad you’re happy. And although my opinion may mean very little or even nothing to you, I wanted you to know.
Comment by j2dahizzay | 01.26.2010 | 12:26 pm
With any loss there is no “correct” timeline of grief. There is no book of scientific data that declares any benefit to mourning to exhaustion. Would your wife want you to be unhappy? If you had passed instead, would you not allow her happiness from beyond the grave? Of course not, and no one can properly judge because that is left for God. Each day is a precious gift. Those that can’t share it with us from now on would feel guilty if they knew you were not living it up they way they know we can. In her memory and all those departed, we have a responsibility to live it for them as much as ourselves. I run for my Dad even though I get tired, I surf for my friend Josh even when it’s too cold out, I live for those I loved out of respect, because I can for today. Love with all your heart and smile when you think of them. Their memory deserves more than that. When I go, I would hate to think someone is less happy because I am not there. Live it up Fatty. The runner deserves the “happy” you. Show her the world as we know you can.
Comment by Beth | 01.26.2010 | 12:27 pm
Fatty…you were running ( eeek ) at mach 1 speed for years emotionally and did an outstanding job keeping it all together for your family and yourself. Who are we do judge when you are available again to be happy etc? For those of you who do judge; get out of your glass house; I’m sure there are things we could pick you apart on as well. As long as the kids are happy it’s a win win…..or quite frankly a win for Susan.
Comment by Ginger | 01.26.2010 | 12:29 pm
I may not know you IRL, but I’ve followed your blog for a few years now, and you absolutely 100% deserve any measure of happiness you can grab. Without explanation to the haters!
Be happy–you deserve to smile and laugh and love.
Comment by Dan D | 01.26.2010 | 12:29 pm
I think its a fact of drawn out terminal illness. I recently lost my grandmother after an extended period of severe Alzheimers. While it was a sad time, it did more in the way of ending the mourning period than beginning it. You mourn every step of the way during the illness, each thing that your loved one will never do again. By the time you reach the end, you’ve already said goodbye to almost everything that matters.
At that point it’s time to move on, and it’s wonderful that you have found someone who fits so well.
Comment by Jim Hart | 01.26.2010 | 12:30 pm
Fatty:
You have been an inspiration for me. Thanks.
Sometimes, we identify with our strifes. This is normal, they are the things which give us character and strength. But, the only constant in the universe is change…well, the only two constants in the universe are change and the passing of time…well, the only… ok, perhaps there are a lot. In any case, I’m glad to see you happy.
Comment by Crystal | 01.26.2010 | 12:31 pm
I just found your blog yesterday but I had to comment. There are plenty of people who like to hide behind the computer and ridicule others. That’s their prerogative. They do not know what is in your heart or your head and have no right to judge or criticize. You’ve grieved for 3+years, and there is really only so much grieving to do. Everyone is different and if you are happy, then that is all that matters. Best of luck to you
Comment by brian | 01.26.2010 | 12:34 pm
Sorry two comments in one day.
I noticed some of your closest friends commenting that you don’t need to explain yourself.
I just wanted to thank you for explaining yourself. Not because you have to justify yourself to us but because others are probably reading this who are struggling with the same thoughts and feelings. Maybe they are not letting themselves move on.
Your sharing is helping us to live more fully and helping us to work through our own challenges.
Comment by mike | 01.26.2010 | 12:34 pm
Fatty,
I signed up for Leadville, fingers crossed. If I get in, I will seek you out in Leadville and give you a big bromantic hug. You are a better man than most. Susan was an inspiration to so many, you continue to be that inspiration. Be happy!
Mike
Comment by Melissa | 01.26.2010 | 12:36 pm
Cheers to happiness. You deserve every second of it! Thanks for sharing it with all of us who follow along.
Comment by Pat | 01.26.2010 | 12:37 pm
Fatty, I have only commented on your site once while you were in the midst of great sadness. I am compelled to comment again in the midst of your happiness.
I was starting to wonder at the speed of your new relationship. I felt that it was too soon. I know that I am not in any position to judge you, but it was this little bothersome bit of negativity. It is gone now.
I lost my father to cancer and feel some of the pain that you feel. He had 3 months from the time we knew of the monster that ate him till he died. You had 3 years and she was your spouse. I can not say that I comprehend the loss you went thru, but you are continuing to explain it.
What I really feel the need to tell you is that I have a huge amount of admiration for you. You have opened up your life so easily and readily for so many people. How many of us would ever realize the grief that you shouldered for 3 years? How many would understand the need for normality and happiness not only for you, but for your children…unless you tell us. Your journey has been a difficult one, but your sharing isn’t done. We need to see your happiness and these occasional glimpses of sadness and know that you are healing. You have shown great courage and love. I am so glad that you continue to share.
One of these days the monster will be beaten and you will be standing there with a bloodied bat in your hands.
Comment by fern | 01.26.2010 | 12:39 pm
Fatty, I am very happy that you are happy.
My mom died about a year ago. Prior to that, she had been bedridden for over ten years from multiple sclerosis and my Dad was her caretaker. Things got pretty bad the last couple years. I know exactly what you mean about how the grieving did not begin when she died; grieving began YEARS ago. When she died, I received a whole lot of condolences, one of which was from a woman whose mother also went through a prolonged illness before she died. She said that under such circumstances, death can be sort of a comfort. I miss my mother every single day, but I am also relieved that she is no longer suffering. Watching a loved one suffer and being unable to fix it is possibly the hardest thing to endure.
Over the last year, my Dad has been seizing life in whole new ways. For first time in a long long time, he is no longer directly responsbile for someone’s day to day / minute by minute life, and he’s able to just do whatever he wants to whenver he wants. As his daughter, I have been very happy that he’s getting on with life and I know that my mother would feel the same way.
Despite having spent many years grieving, losing sleep, and crying on a regular basis, I haven’t shed a tear since my mother died, and was worried that everyone would think that I am a heartless cold person – - but people were very understanding. Grieving and then continuing on with life is very personal. I am happy for you.
Comment by cyclingjimbo | 01.26.2010 | 12:40 pm
Random thoughts about this whole process:
- What are you thinking, so soon after Susan’s death?
- But wait a minute, you don’t owe anything to anyone
- But wait – you have dedicated followers, and due to your megablogger superstar status your life is no loonger private – you actually do owe your loyal readers something more
- But wait again, you are right – you have already been grieving for a long time, and happiness is long overdue
- Most of us are blessed with not having been through the hell that has been your life for the past 3 years, and we are in no position to judge you as you grow out of yours
So yes, enjoy happiness in your life once again. Embrace it, and do not feel guilty about letting joy back into your life.
Your virtual friends have shared in your grief and your pain because of your willingness to share what you have been experiencing along the way. We have been through life’s darkest times and deepest sorrows with you, and we have learned from your example how one can face life’s trials. It is important that you let us share in your joys as well; it is part of our recovery, too.
Ride on
Comment by Cren F. | 01.26.2010 | 12:40 pm
Fatty:
You have been an inspiration to a lot of people. And you have been through hell for a long time, taking care of the person you loved most in your life and having to watch her slip away from you. Not many people will truly understand what that must have been like. But your wife’s suffering has ended now. And you have to go on with your life. Be as happy as you can. She would have wanted that. As for the critics – they don’t really get it. So live. To the fullest. And don’t explain yourself. Those of us who have been following you through the years understand, and appreciate having you in the world.
Comment by Lora | 01.26.2010 | 12:40 pm
Beautiful post…everyone deserves and needs happiness. Enjoy yours!
Comment by Tex | 01.26.2010 | 12:42 pm
Fatty, you have lived the last several years of your life in front of an audience through this blog. As you continue to live your life, the audience will come and go as they find what they are or are not looking for in your blog. But you are stuck here…this is YOUR life…so make the best of it and be happy, and don’t live your life wondering (or worrying) about what the audience might think.
Comment by Sunny | 01.26.2010 | 12:43 pm
Grab that happiness with both hands and don’t let go! You deserve it, and pooh-pooh to the naysayers!
Comment by Zizzy | 01.26.2010 | 12:45 pm
Everyone deserves happiness, some even more than others.
The only people you are accountable to are yourself and your children. If they are accepting of your new relationship then you are good.
My guess is, like you, they spent the last several years saying good bye to their mother and are ready to move on and be happy as well.
If your descriptions of Susan’s spirit are accurate, she is smiling that you are in a good place and so since they are part of their mother, are your kids.
Enjoy, be happy and forget what the naysayers say.
Comment by Matthew | 01.26.2010 | 12:46 pm
Well said, Fatty! It’s amazing how quick some people are to judge the actions of others without exercising a hint of empathy.
Comment by Julie | 01.26.2010 | 12:49 pm
Fatty, while I was not one of those anonymous posts I was thinking the same thing…but I was too anonymous to post it.
Here’s the thing…I know deep down that you’ve grieved for years and that you’re doing what’s best for you and I’m happy for you. But part of me worries selfishly about me. What if I died? Would my husband replace me so quickly? How could he forget me?
Here’s the thing though, you’re not really replacing Susan and certainly not forgetting her. That’s my mistake. You’re just moving on to another act. Fatty the sequel! New characters, new plot and happiness.
Comment by breakaway9 | 01.26.2010 | 12:49 pm
Interesting, I will have to say that I appreciate that you wrote this post. While I have never posted here before, I have been reading this blog for about a year, I followed along through Susan’s up’s and down’s. Mainly I was interested in the cycling aspect of things, due to my extremely close geographic vicinity to Fatty. I thought I noticed a change in the blog as well, but never commented as such, last week while reading a couple of the posts I really started to contemplate the reasons for why I still subscribed to his RSS feed since the blog wasn’t really going in a direction that interested me. I thought things with “the Runner” were quick, but wasn’t upset because I really don’t know the situation and have first hand knowledge of the situation. I do ride occasionally with some of the same people that Fatty does but don’t know him personally so it’s really not my place to judge since I have none of the facts.
I think Fatty like most people deserve to be happy and should have the opportunity to find happiness. Congratulations on finding it.
At this point I will remain subscribed to the RSS feed and see how things develop in the blog and hope for the best (for Fatty, the Runner, Fatty’s kids and the Blog) .
Comment by Chris | 01.26.2010 | 12:50 pm
Telling Fatty he’s not allow to be happy so soon after Susan’s death is the most insensitive thing I’ve ever heard. HE DIDN’T DIE! Life will go on and not only will it go on people will be happy.
I cried when I read about Susan dying, it was a very sad day (I cried a few other times too while reading this blog). When I found out that Fatty was dating I though to myself “GOOD FOR HIM!” Of all the people who deserves to find love again it’s Fatty.
If you think it too soon you can SUCK IT!
Comment by chelsea | 01.26.2010 | 12:50 pm
Beautifully said. Thanks for sharing. I imagine your words describe the feelings of a lot of people who have lost loved ones. I admire your courage to pave your own way and again be happy. A lifetime of sadness doesn’t honor those who have passed before us.
Comment by Jonathan | 01.26.2010 | 12:56 pm
Fatty, here’s a generalization, but sums it up for me. From day one you’ve been about suffering. Suffering from being fat. Suffering from being short. Suffering from having a spouse with cancer. What resonates with people is your ability to be funny in spite of the suffering.
But now you’re not suffering. You’re in good shape, and cancer isn’t in your life. To put a point on it, now you’re just a funny guy. But not a funny guy in spite of some big gloomy cloud.
I gotta be honest, that’s just not as compelling from a readers POV. People are going to say you’ve changed. And you might lose some of your audience.
So what.? Do it for yourself. You’re a good person.
I think the idea of capturing your experience to help others dealing with cancer in their lives is a tremendous idea. Do that. It will help people, and in the process help you evolve into what’s next.
Comment by Susan | 01.26.2010 | 12:57 pm
No judgement here for you being ready for a new relationship. Good for you, I say. I have been slightly curious as to how your children are doing with it as the evolution of a relationship maybe hard for them to understand. Of course, it has probably helped that your new love is someone they’ve had a relationship with as well. I hope for peace, love and happiness for all of you.
Comment by AJ | 01.26.2010 | 12:58 pm
well said Fatty…be happy and enjoy your kids and life! Keep on living!!
Comment by Fred | 01.26.2010 | 12:58 pm
Elden,
Only you can decide when the time is right. No one can ever take away the fact that you loved Susan and literally gave her every ounce of yourself. Now it is time for you to move on with your life, and while others may have opinions, what matters is how you feel and where you want to go with your life when you are ready to go there. I remember when my mother passed away from cancer, my father started dating soon afterwards. He met a wonderful woman whom he fell in love with at married only 6-months after my mother’s death. He took a lot of grief from people who felt he should “by society’s standards” wait at least a year to get married. Internally, he knew what he wanted. He had a wonderful 29-year marriage to my step mother until she too passed away from cancer.
My daughter married her husband after a short dating period. They were in love. Many felt they should wait to get married. He suffered from kidney disease and died after they were married for only 1 year.
Bottom line, life is too short and fragile to not live it to its fullest. Once you are ready, do what you feel is right and to hell with societal standards.
Comment by VT_Rob | 01.26.2010 | 1:01 pm
Elden, thanks for writing this! I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to thinking “Isn’t it a little soon to be in a relationship?” But I’m also working hard at trying to understand other people’s positions and views (something I’ve never been very good at.) It’s good to hear it straight from the source, and very glad that you’re happy!
Comment by Less Fat Mike but getting fatter | 01.26.2010 | 1:01 pm
Fatty,
Humans vary from one to another more than the size of objects in the milky way galaxy. You took a knock that would take all people for a loop. Your loop is your loop. Be wise. Have joy. We should all know as well as you do not to measure ourselves against each other (especially when it comes to waist size).
Comment by CAbikecop | 01.26.2010 | 1:03 pm
First time poster, longtime reader. That was the best description of the grieving process I’ve ever read. It made perfect sense. As for being happy? If you love your children, respect others and continue to show the enormous compassion and humility you’ve already proven then you have every right to be happy.
Comment by bikerchick | 01.26.2010 | 1:03 pm
Fatty, you rock. You totally deserve to be uproariously, intoxicatingly overjoyed. It’s long in coming and nobody deserves it more. So enjoy it, with smooshed avocado sammiches!
Comment by SactoDave | 01.26.2010 | 1:03 pm
Happy? You deserve to be happy? Fatty, you’re a bike rider for God’s sake; you’re supposed to SUFFER!
Screw the naysayers! The majority of your readers, myself included, wouldn’t have the stones to share their life experiences, good or bad, like you do!
Be happy Fatty. It’s yours for the taking!!
Comment by Julie | 01.26.2010 | 1:05 pm
I found your blog because I’ve been involved with the Breast Cancer 3-Day for a number of years and am a foot soldier in the battle against cancer. I don’t cycle. I don’t even like to ride a bicycle. But your blog touched me.
You have become a very public person. Not as big as say Brad Pitt, but a public person. And, like Brad Pitt (I’m sure you’re digging this comparison) you are a target for the general public.
I look forward to your posts — even the ones about cycling because I like the photos. Don’t let the turkeys get you down.
J.
Comment by Den | 01.26.2010 | 1:06 pm
Life is a gift…
Happiness is a bonus…
ENJOY IT!
Comment by Pete | 01.26.2010 | 1:09 pm
Be happy.
Comment by T Foster | 01.26.2010 | 1:11 pm
Fatty,
I’m simply amazed at your clarity and discernment. I may not say this as gracefully as I should but IMHO you fulfilled your marriage vows to Susan and in a heroic manner. I cannot fathom how someone thinks they can judge or even question your actions and motivations at this point.
Comment by Grueny | 01.26.2010 | 1:13 pm
Fatty,
It’s funny how timing and universal karma happens. On December 21st (just over a month ago) we lost out son. It’s been very difficult to tell people why we were feeling the way we are. Especially when, as I told one person, I didn’t feel I was grieving right.
Last night (probably just before the time you posted this this morning) grief hit me. I sat on the couch and cried, holding Joseph’s urn in my arms till 5 in the morning.
Thank you for telling your story today (of all days). So much of what I’ve read if your grief has helped to validate some of what I’ve felt. I’m not trying to compare the loss of your wife of 20+ years to the grief of a parent over the loss of a 23 week stillborn child. In many ways your grief is harder, and in many ways mine is. But the commanalities of grief have helped. i.e. your need to have something good come out of something bad. We too have fundraised (nowhere near as successfully as you) by starting a foundation in our son’s name.
Wow, what a long winded way of saying thank you. (hmm, if i can be this long winded, maybe i should start blogging).
Anyway, again, thank you.
Comment by Russ | 01.26.2010 | 1:13 pm
Fatty, your happiness is not for someone else to judge. I am happy for you and know that finding a peace in your heart is the most rewarding feeling you can have.
As for the blog…keep cycling. Witty, funny, and entertaining. That’s not changing!!
Comment by Bo | 01.26.2010 | 1:13 pm
You have every right to be happy, and anybody saying otherwise doesn’t understand who you are or what it’s like to lose somebody. You have earn more than a lifetime’s worth of “breaks” from fighting cancer, and the fact that you remain so dedicated is just a testament to your good soul.
Stop worrying. Live your life. Have fun. Take the time to tell us interwebs lurkers about it every once in a while, if you want.
Comment by Bee | 01.26.2010 | 1:14 pm
Aww. Another one of those posts that make me cry. (I’m going to go off into my corner and be a girl, and when I’m come back, I’ll be my normal tough-girl person again. Thank you.)
You sound pretty normal to me, though I imagine some of the self-flagellation must hurt.
A friend and I recently talked about the loss of a mutual friend- it’s been almost 8 years and I was feeling melancholy. She mentioned that she never reconstructed her life the same as it was. Instead, she reconstructed her life in a new, fresh way- it would always be without this guy, but the new version of life was pretty damn good.
True love is never dishonored by happiness. You might as well suck it up and accept that good things are happening to you.
But please keep sending us pretty pictures of bike stuff.
(PS- at some point, I hope you might considering sharing the revelations above with the cancer community, maybe in that book of yours! It would help some of my “survivors” so much to know that other people feel the way you do and they do. Anticipatory and pre-loss grieving is not a scandal- it’s normal, and thank God for you saying this “out loud”. This is one of the taboos in cancer loss that I hope we can work through.)
Comment by Katee W. | 01.26.2010 | 1:16 pm
I totally understand why you felt you needed to explain why it’s ok that you’re happy. I’m glad that you’re happy. You are providing your kids with a wonderful example of how to love and lose and love again!
Comment by Sandy | 01.26.2010 | 1:17 pm
When my mother died of cancer thirty-five years ago, I saw first hand the effect a sad, depressed father can have on his children. My thirteen year old brother and sixteen year old sister still living at home had to become his constant companions and caregivers, even though they had just lost their mother. His depression though understandable was an added burdon for everyone. I guess what I’m tring to say Fatty is your happiness is very neccessary for your childrens happiness.
Comment by bobbie | 01.26.2010 | 1:17 pm
Short & sweet ~
To those who would criticize you for finding love…
To those would say you’ve backed off too much on the fight against cancer…
To those who would say “You should have done this; you shouldn’t have done that”
“TO. HELL. WITH. YOU. Come back and talk to me after you’ve gone through what he has; let’s see if you can still criticize him then.”
I, for one, am absolutely thrilled for you, Fatty. You are a wonderful man, and you deserve every single, solitary joy that might come your way.
Hugs ~
Comment by Joe | 01.26.2010 | 1:17 pm
It’s funny yet sad how in today’s society that someone who is moving on with their life after the loss of a loved one in marriage can be given more scrutiny than someone who cheats on their wife and ends up getting a divorce.
You deserve whatever makes you happy.
Comment by donbiker | 01.26.2010 | 1:18 pm
We only get each day but once. The more of them are happy, the better. Anyone who says otherwise has every right to do so. And we have the right to ignore them.
Comment by Wes | 01.26.2010 | 1:18 pm
and in this case, your’s is the only opinion that matters :-)
Comment by Frank | 01.26.2010 | 1:19 pm
Life goes on, it’s time to move. I think you should drop the “The Runner” tag. It’s a form of hiding from reality.
Comment by Drew | 01.26.2010 | 1:20 pm
Relax Fatty, you’re doing great. Also, this is probably the exact level of healthy introspection one would expect, so don’t stress about stressing, either.
Keep turnin’ the cranks.
Comment by SSGOTU | 01.26.2010 | 1:20 pm
You deserve happiness! Everyone should change constantly. I feel sorry for people who are too stuck or afraid to embrace that.
Comment by Gee Li | 01.26.2010 | 1:21 pm
Just started reading your blog and I’m amazed at how open you are with all of your personal and cycling experiences. I’m really rooting for you sir and hope you forget about people who are giving you a hard time. Don’t get stuck in a “survivor’s remorse” mentality. Grieve and move on.
Comment by dave1949 | 01.26.2010 | 1:21 pm
I stated reading your blog about a year ago and was inspired as so many others have been by your candor about Susan and your work fighting cancer.
Like many I wept too when I read the inevitable and wished you well in the coming months.
Now you are turning a corner and living your new reality and best of luck to you in it.
You shouldn’t have needed to explain your happiness and there will be some that no matter how long you mourned would feel it wasn’t enough.
You now owe it to yourself but more especially to your children that you go on with life and teach them another valuable lesson, that life is what counts for all of us. Spend it wisely and with great joy.
Comment by George | 01.26.2010 | 1:27 pm
Happiness is not a peloton, sometimes it is the breakaway. Sometimes it is a single-track. Sometimes it is a jump. Occasionally, it is even surviving a 30 foot drop and crash. We all take a different path to happiness. Your happiness somehow makes the rest of us happy. Hug the kids. Enjoy life again.
Comment by Anonymous | 01.26.2010 | 1:31 pm
Yo Fatty: You are lucky to have a significant other who likes to ride, even if she makes you run sometimes too. The cancer fight will go on til you’re ready to get back into it. There’s a big army fighting the fight.
We just want another Open Letter to someone. Cmon! The Tour Down Under coverage is ridonkulous.
Comment by SH | 01.26.2010 | 1:32 pm
You have EVERY right to be happy!
But your new partner does too, and making her secondary to Susan’s memory won’t produce that. I’m not you, so take this with a big helping of salt, but I’ve never seen pre-grieving quite work out the way people have thought it will. I love that you are in love, but I do worry about making your new love into your grieving counselor/partner and not making life all about you and her at this time. Is 5.5 months long enough to say that you are fully in this relationship and not your previous one? I can’t say (it’s not my job to say either!). A man can grieve for days, years, or decades and that is whatever he needs for himself to heal, but the moment you choose to act a single man again things must change. You must be done grieving already, before you put that on your new partner. It’s not okay, it’s not fair, and it will produce negativity. I’ve seen it so many times. You have to think differently: You are no longer a widower, you are a single man. You are not a survivor, you are a single man. If you think anything else, there are going to be hurtful issues crop up later. It’s why I have offered up the support website previously. I think she deserves happiness, too.
There isn’t a three hearts thing here, there’s two and stuff that doesn’t bother her now most certainly will later. Of course, only she can say what/if that is.
You say she understands what you’ve been through and that she wants to give back. I say, that’s not a partner’s job. In fact, she shouldn’t be in the grieving process. That’s a therapist’s job and to put that on her, to allow her to help you get over another woman, is wrong. The new partner is second best, from the start. I’m in NO way criticizing what works for any two people, and you can totally ignore anything that you both feel doesn’t apply to you, but I hope to offer a better start than a lot of us partnered to widowers have had. It’s a long road, a sad, difficult, hurtful way to begin when it could be so much better. So much happier, and you both deserve that.
Comment by Ellen | 01.26.2010 | 1:33 pm
Hi Fatty, I just wanted to echo what almost everyone else has said. Happy to see that you have found someone else to love. You deserve it. Enjoy every moment, we don’t know how long it will last.
Comment by Paul | 01.26.2010 | 1:33 pm
You have no need to defend your right to be happy, and no one has the right to question your happiness! Everybody grieves in their own way and in their own time. What works for you and your kids is most important.
I’m amazed at what you’ve been through and how you’ve handled it so publicly; it’s very inspiring. Anyone that goes through anything like what you’ve been through is bound to change. I started reading your blog before your wife’s cancer returned. There was an obvious change in your writing after that. And that’s to be expected. Now that you’re past that and recovering, I fully expect a change again. Anyone who feels you shouldn’t change is deluding themselves.
Everyone changes everyday. It’s called life.
Keep up the Good Work Fatty!
Comment by FNEditor | 01.26.2010 | 1:38 pm
I completely agree with you. You can’t be the same person you were for the last several years. you can’t be the person you were even before that. We’re meant to change and grow as individuals, we’re supposed to improve our lives, and help those around us. Just think of how many lives you are bringing happiness to by having the courage (if you will) to accept your own happiness and run with it.
Ha, I didn’t mean for that to be a pun, but it really works!
Comment by thormoo | 01.26.2010 | 1:39 pm
Fatty,
Thank you for your openess and your honesty. I wish we lived in a world where we could just accept people the way they were w/out passing judgment on them for their choices or decisions but unfortunately that isn’t the case. Your story is a touching and remarkable one. I for one feel fortunate and grateful that you have so unselfishly shared it with all of us over the years. I hope you will feel the peace and contentment that you most definately deserve in the years to come.
Peace always…Thom
Comment by hillbilly | 01.26.2010 | 1:39 pm
Very brave of you to address such a sensitive subject. Well done. Glad to hear you are happy, you deserve it!
Comment by Papa Bradstein | 01.26.2010 | 1:41 pm
As my father lay dying of a brain tumor, when I was 16, a family friend, who had just lost his own wife after a long struggle with cancer that also included much caregiving, advised all of us to, “Feel the relief, but don’t feel the guilt.”
He had felt tremendous relief after his wife died, then crushing guilt. Only later did he sort out that the relief was the natural reaction to being under such pressure for so long, and therefore unavoidable.
So, feel the happiness, and don’t feel the guilt.
And you hit the nail on the head: If you were acting the same now as you were then, you’d be crazy.
Comment by Eric | 01.26.2010 | 1:42 pm
Fatty –
Others have said it, and knowing what little I know about you and Susan, they are right. She would want you to be happy. All you can “do” now for Susan is honor her memory and continue the fight against cancer (which I think we all know you’re going to do). That you’re taking a break in the fight is pretty understandable.
As the son of a two hospice caregivers (and my mom did that for my grandmother), I’ve learned that yeah, you do some of your grieving while that person is still alive.
Our society doesn’t have one socially agreed upon “this is the appropriate period of time for mourning”. So we’re all kinda winging it.
So is it too soon to be seeing someone? No. So is it too soon to be happy? No. No one deserves being miserable, least of all, you.
Considering all you’ve done (and will yet do) in the fight against cancer, I think you’ve got nothing to apologize for or feel sorry about.
Go. Be with The Runner. Be happy. Be silly happy. You’ve more than earned it.
Peace.
Eric
Comment by Josh | 01.26.2010 | 1:42 pm
If you’ve changed I like it. Enjoy being happy!
Comment by schmei | 01.26.2010 | 1:43 pm
When my sweet aunt died of cancer years ago, my uncle was beside himself, broken up, and lonely. He had trouble spending time alone. After a while, some of the family were grumbling that he was being needy and selfish.
I was a teenager at the time, but I’ve often thought back to what he was going through then and wondered: if he had cut himself off from everyone, would they have said he was too isolated? If he had done X, would they all say he should have done Y? Probably.
I’ve never thought there’s a “right” way to grieve that loss. Because losing a spouse, in itself, is not right, so once you’ve crossed that line what are you supposed to do? Are there rules somewhere? I’ve never heard of them.
What you’re doing, isn’t wrong. In fact, the only possibly-wrong thing is that you feel you need to justify your happiness. Poo on the naysayers.
Comment by Mike Ride Bike | 01.26.2010 | 1:45 pm
And that’s why I read your blog, because it made me happy, at work. And then I felt guilty, for being happy at work, when I know that no one else is happy to be here. But guilty in the way a bowl of ice cream and cookies makes me feel guilty, yeah, just happy really.
Comment by Noodle | 01.26.2010 | 1:45 pm
Happy you’re happy. You deserve it, mate.
Comment by MrsEAM | 01.26.2010 | 1:45 pm
While I don’t think you owed anyone an explanation, it was beautifully said. Thank you again for sharing honestly the myriad of emotions that go with caring for someone and then losing them.
On a totally different note, I’ve enjoyed the upbeat posts in the past few weeks. Laughing out loud is always preferable to crying (although those posts that move me to tears are just as important). Thanks for sharing both sides of your life with us.
Comment by rexinsea | 01.26.2010 | 1:48 pm
Amen Fatty — BE HAPPY.
I’m sure you are but make sure to communicate with your kids. They may not reach your conclusions without explanation but…
Being happy is the best thing you can do for your kids, you, the runner and Susan’s memory.
Comment by alesplin | 01.26.2010 | 1:49 pm
Fatty,
I’ve been following your blog for the last few years, and I’ve been moved frequently by your honest treatment of how your life has been changed by Susan’s cancer.
My wife and I have been dealing with infertility for about the same length of time (we’ve had 2 unsuccessful attempts at IVF and 1 which was successful followed 3 days later by a miscarriage).
People often make comments or assumptions about how I (and my wife) feel about it, and how we deal with it. My mom went so far as to say she “kind of knows how we feel because she wanted to have more kids and couldn’t”, not know how hurtful it was for me and my wife to hear something like that from someone who _has_ 3 kids.
Then I came here and read this blog post (and some of the comments on this and recent posts) and was immediately struck the the fact that you have been an inspiration to me personally for the last 3 years. Watching you (through your blog) honorably and lovingly help and care for Susan has helped me immeasurably in trying to help my wife, who desperately wants to have a baby. So I’ll end this probably-longer-than-it-should-have-been comment by simply saying thank you. For being so open with all of us. For telling us (as much as any of us can understand, which is quite limited) how your experiences have changed you. And for never giving up.
Comment by Jeff | 01.26.2010 | 1:50 pm
It wasn’t my wife, but my mother who died of cancer at 45. It was hard enough for me to decide when to be happy, much less wondering what my father was going through and knowing someday he would have to decide when the ‘acceptable’ time to grieve would be over and that next phase could start.
If anything, don’t worry about what others are saying. They weren’t there when you were a caretaker, they weren’t there to feel your pain and suffering during that time, they aren’t in the same position you are now.
Life is only so long, you’re not only living yours fully, you’re inspiring others to do more with their lives. If someday I can become 1/2 the blogging superstar you’ve become and inspire 1/2 as many people, I’d be happy. Knowing that, you’ve got all the right in the world to be happy yourself.
Comment by Michelle | 01.26.2010 | 1:51 pm
Awesome posting – even if you shouldn’t have had to explain yourself.
Happiness is good. Enjoy it!
Comment by Jeffy | 01.26.2010 | 1:51 pm
“but I’m sure the VAST silent majority of us are 100% behind you.”
Count me in the no longer silent majority. I’ll take your judgment about what’s right for you and your family over anyone else’s every time. I’m happy for you after reading another great post. Jeffy
Comment by AngieG | 01.26.2010 | 1:53 pm
FC- Happiness is not a destination my friend, it is a method of travel. I find myself forgetting that often and in doing so losing sight of the positives in every experience. Although Susan’s illness was awful, when looking back there are good things that have come from it. So value the positives and wallow in your happiness like a pig in mud.
Your post kind of reminds me of the end of Leathal Weapon 4 when Joe Pesci is tell Mel Gibson about his best friend Froggy.
Oh and please more topless pictures of Kenny in his Daisy Dukes! :-)
Comment by BJG | 01.26.2010 | 1:55 pm
Eloquently put. Ususally I just indicate that anonymous naysayers can ‘kindly suck it’. Your approach is always so much classier!
Comment by Turt99 | 01.26.2010 | 1:55 pm
Thanks Fatty!
Comment by mateo | 01.26.2010 | 1:57 pm
ah, finally the response to the sanctimonious minority that pestered you for traveling, enjoying life, and the free bikes that have been raining on you. Hope you feel better getting it out there. Now you keep gettting out there and enjoying that life, that girl, those kids, and those bikes. Ride on Fatty!
Comment by Blackdog | 01.26.2010 | 1:59 pm
Some people just suck. If they need you to be miserable to be happy they are not the people you need in your life.
You deserve to be happy. And if anyone tells you otherwise they are probably very unhappy.
Comment by Mellow Velo | 01.26.2010 | 1:59 pm
So many comments I feel I have nothing to offer. My first thought was, “It’s a shame he has to explain himself.” My second thought was, “I’m glad he wrote this.”
Like many here, I recently lost a loved one (2 weeks ago). I am struggling with a lack of grieving. He had been in pain so long with cancer, diabetes that stole his ability to walk and heart disease. He was frequently and visibly unhappy because he couldn’t do the things he loved – right down to the simple acts of feeding his beloved dogs and helping his wife with “guy stuff” around the house.
He was in pain because of disease, but also because he couldn’t give back to his loved ones and to life in general.
When he passed, my greatest pain was for the suffering of his wife, who is like a mother to me. But for him, I felt relief. He was no longer in pain. He was no longer just waiting for the end. He no longer had to watch his wife struggle to save face while she was afraid inside.
So, thanks. And best of luck with your happiness and your children’s happiness.
Comment by Scott | 01.26.2010 | 2:01 pm
Fat Man –
Great post. The most eloquent look at grief and rebound I have ever read. I hope it is alright to repost this to many of my patients that feel this kind of guilt in their lives.
Comment by Jennifer | 01.26.2010 | 2:06 pm
For years you were selfless and sacrificed your needs because you loved your wife enough to do so. People commenting on your blog have no right to tell you how to think or act after such a tragic event in your life. They didn’t live it as you lived it, they were merely bystanders. You should not feel the need to justify your happiness.
Instead, embrace it. You absolutely deserve it.
Comment by amyvw | 01.26.2010 | 2:06 pm
You need to be happy. It’s important for you and for your kids.
My dad passed away a few years back after a really long battle with ALS (Lou Gehrig’s disease)…he was diagnosed when I was almost 19 and he died 15 years later. During that span of time, I went from daughter to caretaker (though his disease was very slow moving when compared to most, it was still very debilitating). I watched him go from a strong, athletic, able man to a shadow of his former self, confined to a wheelchair, unable to walk, severe speech difficulties, difficulty using his arms/hands, etc, though his mind was intact. I mourned both the loss of the dad I knew (before he was sick) and the loss I knew was coming (when he would ultimately pass away). He refused outside care, and relied on us (myself and my husband) for all of his needs. When he did pass away all those years later, it was an odd feeling. I felt for the first time in my adult life that I was no longer a caretaker…I was able to focus on my family (my kids were 7 and 1 at the time) and my happiness for the first time in a long time. I was told by some that I did not seem “sad enough” when he died…but the reality was, I had made my peace with things years ago. No one could understand that unless they had been in my shoes for the long battle he had with that disease. 15 years is a long time to watch someone wither away.
Be happy. You owe it to yourself. :)
Comment by Alyson | 01.26.2010 | 2:06 pm
Elden, no one can tell you how to grieve or how to live your life. People who have been through similar experiences can try and give advice, but advice is always specific to a personal situation.
When we lost our son to brain cancer, after a 5 yr remission to a brain tumor, I wanted to rush out and foster all the kids in the world.Just fill my home with kids, and love and look after them. My husband was emphatic that he would never raise another child ever. Two completely opposite reactions to our personal tradegy.
We both switch off the radio when the cancer ads come on, and the tv. Neither of us can bear to listen/watch them. So we fight cancer by giving quietly, very quietly to organizations close to our hearts. We can’t be warriors yet, maybe we will never be.
But you are a warrior & somehow you have morphed in to our warrior.:-) It’s ok to be happy, very happy….even if sometimes, you are waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Life is too short, too precious not to live & live well & happy! Live each day to its fullest potential!
Comment by Minh Nguyen | 01.26.2010 | 2:06 pm
I’m glad your happy. Despite all the bad things that happen to all of us, the best way to deal with life is to move on… even if it means moving on away from something.. or in this case, someone, that made such an impact on your life. You should be happy, you DESERVE to be happy!
Comment by Alyson | 01.26.2010 | 2:08 pm
And thank you for being you!!!! And no, in the 18 months I have been stalking your blog…you have not changed.:-)
You ROCK!:-)
Comment by Gillian | 01.26.2010 | 2:08 pm
Peace and happiness to you and Lisa. I’m not at all surprised you found someone so quickly – firstly, because of the length of your grief process, which you so beautifully described. And secondly, because I think someone who was in a happy and loving relationship with the perfect woman for 20 years is likely to migrate to the same thing, and as soon as possible. It is your natural state, and I think it’s lovely that your new lady knew your wife, and misses her. Just enough continuity and understanding, but not so much that it makes it icky.
Don’t feel like you have to play the grieving husband here. We all wished you peace during the dark days of Susan’s illness, and most of us are genuinely pleased that you’ve found it. I can’t say Susan would be pleased, as I didn’t know her (though I’d guess the answer is yes) – but I sure would be for my husband, were your situation ours.
If she keeps dragging you to marathons, though, you’re going to have to change your blog name to the Skinny Jogger.
Comment by Bob B. | 01.26.2010 | 2:10 pm
As your friend, I want you to be happy. I’m happy for you.
As a reader of your blog, I feel robbed. You failed to complete the arc of your cancer story appropriately. You should have lamented for several months about how very alone you are, and then, after six months or so, you can go ahead and find love.
Let’s face it — you have lived your life in a way that does not lend itself to good storytelling.
If it helps, think of yourself not as a human being deserving happiness, but as a protagonist in a novel.
Comment by Karen | 01.26.2010 | 2:12 pm
You’ve been through a couple lifetimes worth of emotions by this point in your own life. Don’t wonder about your life – your happiness. Just Live.
Comment by Rick S. | 01.26.2010 | 2:12 pm
I’m just glad you’ve found something (someone) other than food to make you happy.
Comment by Christopher | 01.26.2010 | 2:12 pm
Please don’t worry that you haven’t been doing as much to fight cancer in the past few months as you had in the past. You’ve already done more than most of us could ever do in a lifetime. If you were to sit back and relax from now on, you could still be proud of what you have done and what you have set in motion. Not your style, I know, but it’s an option.
And here’s hoping that the happiness is as permanent as happiness can be.
Comment by Allan | 01.26.2010 | 2:13 pm
There are bound to be people who resent the direction your life is taking. Ignore them.
Comment by Allie | 01.26.2010 | 2:13 pm
Fatman-after eight years of watching my father die in bits n’ agonizing pieces from cancer, there’s no need to convince this reader of anything-you have every right to grab any and all happiness the Fates throw your way. If you didn’t I suspect Susan would smack you upside your head from on high. All the best to you and your family.
Comment by fatbikeracer | 01.26.2010 | 2:14 pm
FINALLY, you are back to normal with a real post. I was wondering how long you would dance around the rattlesnake. Glad you grabbed it close enough to the head.
Comment by Kent | 01.26.2010 | 2:14 pm
Be happy and enjoy
Comment by Metric Jason | 01.26.2010 | 2:16 pm
As a long time reader, fan, and admirer I couldn’t be happier for you. I’ll admit I was surprised when we first started hearing about the Runner. However, when I reflected on it a bit through the lens of my own cancer experience (my dad battled colon cancer for about 15 months before passing), I recognized that you had been grieving for a long, long time already and deserved a chance to move on with your life and find new happiness. Thanks for continuing to bring us along for the ride, even when you didn’t really need to.
Comment by Tammy Merryweather | 01.26.2010 | 2:18 pm
Hmmm……it all makes perfect sense to me. No one should ever throw away a chance at happiness.
Comment by The Incredible Woody | 01.26.2010 | 2:19 pm
Fatty, I am so glad that you are happy. And that you have been given some time to rest, to laugh, to live and to be able to share that with someone is beyond awesome.
But I do have one piece of advice. This is coming from a 16yo kid that lost her Mom after a 6 year battle with brain cancer. Make sure your kids are OK with your relationship.
In hindsight, I know just how long my Dad grieved for my Mom – in long painful steps thru that entire 6 year process. But back then, I didn’t have the advantage of hindsight or foresight or even the maturity of an adult. And I was angry about my Dad’s new relationship. I would not tell him how I felt when he asked. But that anger showed up in other way – slipping grades, stopping playing piano after a lifetime of lessons, dropping out of activities that had been enjoyed previously.
I say all that to say that yes, you deserve happiness. And your children want you to be happy. Just make sure that they are on the same time line as you are.
Comment by marti | 01.26.2010 | 2:21 pm
fatty, you deserve happiness, and there’s nothing wrong with finding love –anywhere, anytime. thanks for writing so honestly about your grieving process, and i’m glad you are celebrating life!
Comment by SuomiTri | 01.26.2010 | 2:22 pm
I found your blog a few months ago and read the whole thing in about 2 months from ‘05 through ‘09. Having voyeured your life over that 4-5 year period in a brief time span, I can say that your posts definitely changed as your circumstances have changed. Each period was unique in its style and content, and each was good to read in its own way– your ride reports are indicative of the early years and are the best out there matched only by Jill in AK (IMHO); your “love me” posts seemed to come up more in the latter half of ‘09 and are kinda over the top when grouped so close together in an annoying “Colbert-Repohr” sort of way (IMHO) (Please don’t start referring to your readers as Fatty Nation); and your sharing of deeply personal feelings and events scattered throughout are courageous, touching, comforting and inspiring (IMHO).
I think you can’t help but be changed by such serious life changes (and should question your humanity if you’re not), but I will also say that your most recent posts remind me more of your “old” or, perhaps more aptly, your default self and that makes me smile (both selfishly since those are my favorite posts and because I hope it’s indicative that you’re genuinely happy).
Happiness is a wonderful gift. or choice. or state of being. or circumstance. or whatever the hell it is.
Comment by Brad | 01.26.2010 | 2:22 pm
Fatty – I for one am happy to see that you are doing so well. You deserve to be happy for everything that you have done. Just becuase you are in a different place doesn’t mean that Susan doesn’t hold a huge part in your life. Keep moving forward!!!
Comment by Jen B | 01.26.2010 | 2:22 pm
Love that the irreverent, happy, funny Fatty is coming back. I’ve lurked for a long time & I completely understand what you’re saying about cancer & grief. My dad fought for 7+ years & I have a sister that is angry at everyone (especially my mom) for feeling any happiness. After 42 years of marriage, 2 types of cancer & other illnesses – she deserves to have a little fun. As do you! I guess what I’m trying to say is welcome back.
Comment by Ellen | 01.26.2010 | 2:23 pm
The problem with the web sometimes is that people read several posts a week from a blogger and assume they know every aspect of his/her life. And, they feel like by knowing, they have the right to judge you and critique your life.
So in the words of numerous other commentors, “screw ‘em” You lived through 4+ years of watching your wife fight Cancer and even though you opened your life and Susan’s fight to to the world, I can not begin to assume I know all of what you went through.
Be happy, and bike on.
Comment by Carl | 01.26.2010 | 2:26 pm
Fatty, this was one of your best posts ever. Everyone’s situation is different, but in your great writing style you have helped so many people who have found themselves in the same position as you have found yourself. Love ones who have passed would never want the ones left behind to be miserable and alone for the rest of their lives – but yet, some people seem to expect that of people.
The only problem I see with this post is that you have given away the second to the last chapter of your book…
Comment by Drew | 01.26.2010 | 2:28 pm
You are good man Fatty with an incredible gift for writing. So well put and so true. I hope your happiness only builds and grows. You deserve it.
Comment by Mark W | 01.26.2010 | 2:28 pm
thanks for sharing Elden. Just to let you know that for every naysayer, there is probably another silent lurker like me cheering you on!
Comment by Sally Parrott Ashbrook | 01.26.2010 | 2:28 pm
Dude, you deserve to be happy, naysayers be damned.
Comment by tara | 01.26.2010 | 2:30 pm
You are right on the money about how grieving starts during the Caregiver days… you grieve the loss of your relationship, your old role vs. new role, your ‘patient’s’ state, all the changes you’ve experienced and expect. You are right on the money that the actual passing is the start to HEALING… NOT the start of grieving.
Its good to hear you’ve been able to move forward smoothly and have found new things to bring you joy. Change is good, and even your “1%” change is good. My only question – what about the kids? I haven’t read a blog about them or how they are doing for months. Perhaps you choose to leave them out of this blog for reasons all your own. Being a mother myself who has been a Caregive and lost in a similar way, I find my child to be my greatest joy, and would have a hard time not writing about him!
Comment by JamesK | 01.26.2010 | 2:35 pm
Thanks for opening up and sharing :D
Comment by woogie | 01.26.2010 | 2:37 pm
It’s called survivors guilt. Those who have been through an experience like yours feel guilty that they are relieved that it is over. They feel guilty that they didn’t do enough for their loved one.
Those on the outside start grieving at the passing, but you have been grieving for years as you slowly lost the woman you loved to a terrible disease. You spent years putting on a brave face for others while under immense stress.
To some you will never have grieved enough.
But that is their problem not yours.
Go out and live life. Show your children that they being happy and living a rich fulfilling life is a testament to their mother.
As for your fight against cancer, well let’s just say you are between rounds, in the corner taking a well deserved rest, getting ready for round two.
Comment by Janet Lyn | 01.26.2010 | 2:43 pm
I am so glad you wrote this. Even though you didn’t need to. You owe NO one an explanation for deciding to go on with life and hope and most importantly, with love.
I have lost many loved ones and I know in my own way what you mean. No one else can tell you how or how long to grieve. No one can pass judgment. You know your heart and your heart deserves to live. Your heart deserves as much love as you can possibly fit into one lifetime. Period. That’s what life is about.
I have been going through something similar after unexpectedly losing my only sister 17 months ago. I feel guilty sometimes when I am happy. But I know I have to go on with my life and I have to find joy. I have to have hope. I have to be unafraid to love.
You can keep up the fight against cancer without your entire life being defined by it. You need time with your children and time with your new love. You need time to continue healing and enjoy life.
Anyone who says otherwise has absolutely no idea what they’re talking about and no right to judge. Period. I do know what I’m talking about because I’ve been there. Not in your exact footsteps but close enough to know you have to seize every chance at happiness and love that this life offers you.
I wish you every happiness.
Comment by KT | 01.26.2010 | 2:43 pm
Go Fatty! With you all the way!
Comment by kiwi | 01.26.2010 | 2:47 pm
Hey fatty
Would Susan want you to be sad?
No she would not!
You rock,(just not in those girl half short pants that you wear)But if they make you happy?
Kiwi
Comment by Kathleen Lisson | 01.26.2010 | 2:51 pm
As the (now adult) daughter of a father who had to watch his wife (my mom) fight breast cancer (when I was 9), go into remission then relapse and die of cancer (when I was 20)I want to tell you that IT IS OK to feel WHATEVER you are feeling right now. IT IS OK to take some time for you, and not have to save the world every day. I love my dad, and I was overjoyed when he found another good woman to love and support him.
Kathleen
Comment by Brent from Brisbane, Australia | 01.26.2010 | 2:52 pm
Dude – I’ve been a lurker for a long time, and have never felt the need to comment until now. But I can sense something a bit more than catholic school guilt in this article.
You have every right to be happy, and I’m sure if Susan could choose anyone for you to be happy with, it would be the Runner. You have the right to choose how much info you want to share with the world about your kids. You also have every right to pass the cancer fighting torch onto others – you have done more than your share (however I know you’ll probably ignore that).
This is the controversial part though. You also have the right to discontinue your blog, and live life for a while. The expectation to write a witty 1000 words every few days can be a burden, and one that no doubt gets heavier the longer you carry it. People will miss you – some even might get angry – but goddamn it Fatty, it’s your life!
You’ve been in the front lines for a while. Maybe it’s time for some R&R. And sometime down the track, when you’re refreshed, you might decide to reload and go back to the battle, or you might decide to support others from behind the lines, or you might decide to let others carry the fight for a while. You’ve earned the right to make that choice.
Good luck mate.
P.S. 30 degrees, sunny blue skies and nice surf on the Gold Coast yesterday…perfect for a long ride along the beach…
Comment by Jac | 01.26.2010 | 2:52 pm
Elden,
For years I’ve laughed with delight and shed tears of emotion while reading your blog. Some days, like today, I’ve smiled through my tears. It’s wonderful you are happy. Ongoing happiness to you and those you love!
Comment by eclecticdeb | 01.26.2010 | 2:57 pm
Wow. Just Wow.
I’m amazed at your ability to be to completely and totally open about an incredibly difficult subject, and yet keep things entertaining.
Personally, if I were in your shoes, I think I would be pissed off at all those who are/were judging me, and would have been extremely defensive.
Kudos to you. You are a really, REALLY good man.
Comment by Chris | 01.26.2010 | 2:57 pm
Good for you Fatty. Enjoy your new found happiness.
Chris
Comment by DOM | 01.26.2010 | 2:57 pm
Not to argue, but didn’t you just provide 2 charities with HUGE donations? Gee, it’s been a whole month since you helped raise, what $100K. I’d hardly call that slacking off.
Regardless of how much, if any, fund raising you do from now on, you have definitely done your share for a lifetime.
Comment by Daniel | 01.26.2010 | 2:58 pm
It makes me so happy to read a post like this. You both need and deserve to be happy. You’re children need you to be happy to be the best dad you can be. Quite frankly, those that say otherwise aren’t your real friends.
I’ve read your blog from the beginning, but my wife only reads when I mention that you’ve written something really interesting, including your post where you introduced The Runner. At first she was kinda funny about it, saying silly things about how “men would just be lost without their women” and how both amazing and telling it is that widowers generally date and re-marry very quickly. But then she stopped, smiled and said, “Good for him!”
Yeah, good for you. Be happy, take care of your family, and fight cancer.
Comment by CJ :) | 01.26.2010 | 2:59 pm
There are only four people in this world who you have an obligation to justify your actions to – your children. If they are content (I’m sure they still miss their mother desperately, but they may still be content) with what you are doing, tell the rest of the world to go to hell and get on with it.
I’m glad you’re happy. I know you did most of your grieving before Susan died. Sometimes when people care for the terminally ill it’s a relief when there is no more suffering…this isn’t bad. It’s good. Who wants to see someone suffer like that? And who wants to suffer like that? No one.
You happy + kids happy = BIG WIN!!!!! I’m sure it’s the win Susan would want you to have.
Oh – and you’ll start the cancer work back up when you’re ready. That’s fine. Let some others do the hack work for a while. You deserve a break.
Comment by Zack | 01.26.2010 | 3:00 pm
To be honest, I quit reading your blog not long before Susan’s passing. I could tell you knew it was coming and frankly, I didn’t have the heart to “watch” it. I don’t know you, I don’t know Susan; however, from what I can pick up by your words and the words that you wrote about Susan you’re fine. I believe you gave of your self totally to the very bitter end with your wife. I also believe that Susan would be very pleased that you’ve found someone to make you happy again.
Comment by BMG3499 | 01.26.2010 | 3:03 pm
I like simple and short also.
FLS, Enjoy, Ride, Runner and stomp cancer it really pisses me off.
Comment by buckythedonkey | 01.26.2010 | 3:04 pm
- Yes.
- Almost certainly, but many more will think otherwise.
- I would guess not.
I’m very, very glad to hear that you are happy. Good on you and good luck to you.
Allez Fatty! WIN!
Comment by Jeremy | 01.26.2010 | 3:10 pm
You are allowed to be happy. Those who talk behind your back are two steps behind you.
Comment by asmathews (Alex) | 01.26.2010 | 3:11 pm
Don’t worry….be happy! :-)
Comment by Pam | 01.26.2010 | 3:13 pm
By all means you have the right to be happy. I wish my mother had what it takes to move on like you have. My father died 8 years ago and my mother is still saying she will never be happy. You have to let yourself be happy in a new way and you seem to have done that…good for you. I am glad you are happy and for those who think otherwise, who cares!
Comment by Kim | 01.26.2010 | 3:13 pm
Fatty,
I’ve been reading your blog fairly regularly for the past year or so and today is the first time I’ve commented (other than perhaps, right when Susan passed away). This was one of the most beautiful messages you’ve written and I think you’ve done Susan proud. She would WANT you to be happy and knows in her heart that you deserve it more than anyone. Enjoy your happiness and don’t feel compelled any longer to explain it to anyone! Relish in it!
Kim
Comment by Mayfair Matt | 01.26.2010 | 3:13 pm
I’m glad your happy Fatty. As for not doing much for the fight against cancer, didn’t you just raise thousands of dollars for the LAF AND World Bicycle Relief? Don’t let the nay-sayers get you down brother. Your doing great and can’t wait to see you at the Philly Livestrong Challenge. Until then your friends will keep up the fight against cancer, this is what friends suit up for. Good luck with the marathon
Comment by Cindy | 01.26.2010 | 3:16 pm
I lost two friends to cancer and saw what they (and their spouses) went through. Its a living hell. Everyone grieves differently and no one has the right to pass judgement on how you grieve or whether you should be happy or not.
Big hug to you, Fatty, and know that there are a lot of us out here cheering you on. Rock on and be happy!
Comment by KanyonKris | 01.26.2010 | 3:16 pm
Kind of you to write this post even though it’s personal.
I’ll admit I was surprised when I saw you with The Runner at 24 Hours of Moab. I just didn’t expect it. But immediately I thought “I have no idea what Elden’s been through.” I hope I didn’t act weird or make either of you feel uncomfortable. I wish you well in your pursuit of happiness.
Comment by JamesInPhoenix | 01.26.2010 | 3:20 pm
AMEN FATTY!
You have a 100% right to be happy and you hit the nail square on the head when you said you’d been grieving for years before the actual passing. People who have not seen this first hand have a hard time understanding. For them it’s like another death. But cancer is NOT that nice it doesn’t take them fast, no it’s nefariously slow in its method. It’s a sadistic killer that appears to take joy in the act of killing… the slower the better as far as cancer thinks. So unlike a car accident or some other tragedy the grieving the mourning the change in relationship happens much, MUCH earlier. Then when they do finally pass, you are on some levels more relieved and thankful as the unimaginable pain and anguish that you’ve witnessed and at times personally experienced is wiped away. You are not a bad person; you do not deserve to remain sad and mournful. CLEARLY as you stated people who feel so do NOT UNDERSTAND what you have been through. The old adage of walk a mile in a man’s shoes comes to mind. I’m of the opinion that ONLY those who have lost their spouse to cancer can comment on where Fatty is at relationship wise. The rest of us need to refrain from comment as we clearly do not have the experience and insight to know where you are at. I am all for you finding joy again, it is NOT too soon nor undeserved.
That’s just my 2-cents…
Comment by Rob | 01.26.2010 | 3:20 pm
Wow wow and wow!!
The people that know you and follow you have spoken today!
Be happy and be told…….
Rock on Eldon
Comment by Joe G | 01.26.2010 | 3:21 pm
If I was you I would consider myself lucky that you have been able to pull so much light out of a situation that could easily destroy many people. Take your happiness and run with it(get it?..with the runner).
Comment by Cindy | 01.26.2010 | 3:22 pm
I think everyone changes every day. It is called growth. Growth from our life experiences. You have had an inordinate amount of life experiences. They have made you a richer, more mature, and loving person.
We only have to worry about impressing one person in how we live our life. God. The rest doesn’t matter.
You are doing a great job.
Comment by OldManUtah | 01.26.2010 | 3:24 pm
Eldon,
I am practicing what my mom who passed away from cancer told me as I was growing up. “If you can’t say anything nice about someone don’t say anything at all.” OK I honored my mom, but seriously if people can’t be happy for you they have some problems they need to work on. Be thankful that the Runner is in your life. She sounds like an awesome lady from what you have read. You find you true friends when you are going through something hard. Grieving is hard on and I am thankful that your time of sorrow is over.
God bless you, the Runner and your blended family,
Comment by DirtyAnkleVelo | 01.26.2010 | 3:25 pm
Just go ride. If it doesn’t become clear while you are doing that, then you either aren’t riding far enough, hard enough, climbing enough, breathing enough, or something enough. Just ride. One day you may not be able to and that will be a sad day indeed.
Comment by Frank | 01.26.2010 | 3:28 pm
Elden,
It makes me happy to see you happy :)
Frank
Comment by Anne | 01.26.2010 | 3:29 pm
Fatty aka Elden,
I am sure Susan wants you to be happy and celebrate life.
Remember, you are still here. Being happy does not mean that you will forget Susan and what you had together.
Thank you so much for charing your thoughts.
LiveSTRONG!!
Comment by Jen | 01.26.2010 | 3:30 pm
Grab happiness by the horns and run with it. Life it toooo short to worry about what other people think!
Yeeee-haw!
Comment by Michelle | 01.26.2010 | 3:31 pm
Elden,
God wouldn’t want you to be unhappy and neither would Susan. The 3 years of grieving is more than enough for anyone. Keep smiling, keep making people laugh with your stories (well – the fart ones get me in trouble at work as they make me laugh out loud). Love the Runner, love your children, love life. God is good.
Michelle
Comment by Juan | 01.26.2010 | 3:33 pm
Fatty,
you deserve to be happy, and it’s not unnatural of you to have found someone so quickly. My dad found someone within a similar timeframe after my mom died. My dad had also been my mom’s caretaker for many years, longer than you had of Susan (different illness, just as terrible.) When my mom died, it was a partial surprise–it wasn’t inevitable–but not a complete surprise. I couldn’t predict any other end to her suffering, and her passing gave my dad freedom to have more of a life again. He remained faithful to her, at her side under the worst of conditions, and when he had the opportunity to love again, I was happy for him. He’s been given the opportunity for a second try at a happy ending. And at six hears since, so far so good.
Here’s to happy endings.
Comment by Chris Horner | 01.26.2010 | 3:34 pm
Who’s to say on the timing of relationships? You are just lucky. It could well have been years before someone that you could bond with came along after Susan passed. Life is short, and you must enjoy what there is of it.
I’m happy that you have found someone, and -pfft- to those that think they have a set calendar of acceptable mourning after a loved-one’s death. If the opportunity for a loving relationship comes along, and if that is what you want at the time, you just have to be thankful, be happy about it, and go with it.
I’ll certainly be happy if I can stay upright on the bike this season without having to see my ortho again.
-Chris
Comment by Sticking My Neck Out | 01.26.2010 | 3:34 pm
Isn’t the Runner the ex-wife of the across-the-street neighbor? The ex-wife of a friend? The woman that was so helpful with Susan? Susan’s friend? That is a little weird for me. There are lines that are not crossed.
For me, it was strange that you brought this personal relationship to the blog. Did you need confirmation or validation? Why not keep your personal affairs behind closed doors?
Clearly people still love your blog. Perhaps you’ll lose fewer than gained since you have a good voice. Me: we met at Leadville, that’s how I came to start reading. True, I keep coming back, hoping I’ll like it again after a slow souring. But it’s not a cyclist’s blog anymore. It’s the Mostly Fit Cyclist cult of personality and his adoring Fatties. My take, probably my take only. But whatever it is today, it still has legs. Just a different body. You pick your readers and it’s your goodwill to spend as you see fit/fat.
Happy? Who cares. In the past, I didn’t come here from a People Magazine link. Sometimes it seems most commenters are just here to plug blogs that have nothing to do with what your really love to do: ride your bikes.
Comment by Dave | 01.26.2010 | 3:35 pm
Fatty,
The fact that you want to love another and be with another so “quickly” is actually a testimony as to what a great husband and dad you are, how much you love Susan, and how much you love being married, regardless of “come what may”. We all know that there is no risk too great for you(team Radio Shack, triathlon) if the reward is great enough. The naysayers have a myopic, veiled view of why we are here and how important our relationships are. Not even Oakley Jawbone optics can clear that up – only loving each other more and trying to be more thankful for every opportunity can. Godspeed.
Comment by Dave B | 01.26.2010 | 3:41 pm
Great post today. You deserve that Bloggie.
Comment by James | 01.26.2010 | 3:41 pm
I’m not sure why people would begrudge you your happiness… especially after all you have endured. Not sure everybody can identify as crisply with what cancer does to a relationship as a patient becomes more debilitated and the spouse becomes more nurse / caretaker. It’s not something one can prepare for and I am sure that it takes awhile to resolve one’s feelings about in reflection. You did right by your wife Fatty and you’ve nothing to be ashamed of. Probably plenty of things to occupy you now (kids, the runner, etc.), other than the haters? Hang in there and live life like you should. P.S. – glad you’re a runner now! Ha Ha Ha!
Comment by Goose | 01.26.2010 | 3:43 pm
It’s later than you think. Live in the moment, Susan’s passing exemplifies how nothing is promised in life.
Comment by Claire | 01.26.2010 | 3:45 pm
No explanation was needed to me for any happiness you have found in the past few months. For what you have endured over the past few years a lifetime and more of happiness seems owed to you in my eyes.
Your post today was wonderful and you really do deserve the bloggie I am glad I voted for you. I hope 2010 brings really wonderful things to you, the runner and your family.
Comment by Yaroslav Popovych | 01.26.2010 | 3:55 pm
You have responsibility to this blog. I will pull Lance as you must write about cycling and bad bike gear. You do not owe anyone explanation for what you do. You Livestrong and keep it at home.
Comment by eric | 01.26.2010 | 3:55 pm
Never let anyone tell you to feel guilty for being happy. From darkness you’ve found light. From sorrow you’ve found love. As someone who’s done no more than follow your story, still The Runner will always have a place in my heart for bringing this to you. Love her and be happy.
Comment by Jase | 01.26.2010 | 3:58 pm
Thanks Fatty.
As someone who just experienced a similar loss, in December, it’s encouraging to me to read what you wrote.
I guess I feel like if we’re being true to ourselves, and honoring our beloved’s memory, no one can cast judgement on us.
My fiancee didn’t die from cancer, but she was taken from me far too soon. And I, like you, am fighting to get the circumstances surrounding her death fixed.
She loved Livestrong and Lance and she had grown to love your blog as well. As a tribute to her, I’m doing RAGBRAI this year, because she believed in it that much.
And frankly, I need something to take my mind of the grief, so I ride indoors.
You do what you need to do to survive.
That’s one of the main things I’ve learned in the aftermath of her death.
And that may be selfish.
But that’s the way it has to be.
Comment by joni | 01.26.2010 | 4:04 pm
As always…. well said!
Comment by Laurie | 01.26.2010 | 4:04 pm
I don’t think you had to explain this to us readers (although I bet writing about it helped you as writing so often does)- so glad that you are having some fun! You definitely deserve it.
Comment by Kristen | 01.26.2010 | 4:08 pm
Hey Fatty,
Be happy. You have young kids at home and they need you to be happy. They need you to be happy to show them that life does move on no matter how bad things get…there is always something that will come along and make things better. My grandfather died when my dad was just 13 years old. My grandmother became bitter and miserable and effected the way she raised my dad and his two siblings. Her actions and emotions affected the way my dad in a way that is unexplainable. Your kids need you to be happy and The Runner, for you, makes thing better. Just be happy and not let anyone else dictate to you if you should be or who makes you happy.
Comment by Sandy | 01.26.2010 | 4:08 pm
My mom died a very painful, prolonged death from cancer, and my dad started seeing someone in what I perceived as being a little too quickly afterward. I have to admit that I didn’t really understand how he could so quickly move on from someone he had been married to for over 35 years. After reading your post, I now understand (thank you!), and I’m now glad that he still had the heart and strength to grab some happiness. I’m glad you’ve found some for yourself. Life is too short, and you’ve earned the right to be happy. Enjoy. No guilt. No regrets.
Comment by GJ Jackie | 01.26.2010 | 4:11 pm
Fatty,
Wow. You’ve done it again. You have an uncanny way of opening up and saying things that touch my heart. I haven’t had to live through the cancer hell, but your insights into your grieving process will help me to understand and empathize with others who are.
You not only deserve happiness, you deserve a break. Take it whenever you need it. Don’t worry, we’ll still be here when you get back.
Comment by Joel P. | 01.26.2010 | 4:11 pm
I’m happy if you’re happy.
Joel P.
P.S. So Fatty, how are you doing?
Comment by Fattier | 01.26.2010 | 4:17 pm
Fatty, it’s been two years of reading your blog now. Things did change recently. Your first post about the Runner made me squirm in my seat. But for a good and valuable reason. It made me squirm in my seat in a way that reminded me of the way I felt when I read your post about Susan’s death. Sure the overwhelming emotion was sadness (I shed a tear at work), but the secondary emotion came from the experience of reading a first-hand account of someone losing a loved one…and after having followed that someone’s blog for a year. When I read your first post about the runner, I felt so much happiness for you…and my secondary emotion was that it was the first time I had read a first-hand account of someone falling in love after losing their wife to cancer.
What I’m getting at is that for people that have read your blog for a while, things have changed, and it all fits in perfectly with the fact that your blog is deeply personal. We appreciate it. Keep being happy, keep winning bloggies, and maybe I’ll finally get the chance to meet the guy who I already feel like I know.
Comment by Daddystyle | 01.26.2010 | 4:26 pm
Ride on
Comment by Will | 01.26.2010 | 4:31 pm
Fatty,
Don’t let those who have never known your pain bring you down.
-Will
Comment by Yukirin Boy | 01.26.2010 | 4:32 pm
Thank you for an update. You have no obligation to tell, or we any right to demand every thing you write.
I am delighted you are happy. Continue to do things as they feel right to you. Take some time to enjoy yourself with family and friends and your team will be here and ready when you’re ready to take the next step in the fight against cancer.
Comment by Jeff | 01.26.2010 | 4:34 pm
“…I expect people will think I am doing Susan’s memory an injustice. She died just last Summer, after all. And some people have in fact said this…”
I’m always amazed at the sheer number of self-righteous asses who are willing to pass judgement on others without ever having had to endure the experiences of the person they’re judging.
You, more than anyone, know whether Susan would have expected you to get on with your (and your kid’s) lives and be happy. And you, more than most, know that life is too short to worry about what other’s say or think about your situation…so do what makes you happy, and don’t pay attention to the clueless.
Comment by Carrie | 01.26.2010 | 4:36 pm
Elden,
As a first time poster I just want to say thank you for the explanation even though I don’t feel as if any of us were entitled to one. Things make much more sense when the whole story is revealed. As someone who has only been reading for a few months I would be lying if I said it wasn’t a surprise to hear about you and the runner, but your post today really brings the whole situation into perspective. I wish you and your family all the happiness in the world because you all deserve it! Thank you for entertaining us all with your humor and honesty..
Comment by srobb54 | 01.26.2010 | 4:36 pm
Fatty,
If anyone in this world is due a little happiness in their life, it is you. I, for one, have been excited to read of your new friendship. Go for it! Keep being happy, keep writing wonderfully funny blogs, and cycle on brother!
Comment by James | 01.26.2010 | 4:36 pm
Dear Fatty,
Been reading for a while now, and have read a lot of your archive, too. Never commented until now, but this will not pass.
The only thing I can offer is to do whatever you need to do to be happy, just as you did whatever you needed to do for Susan.
Life is change, and we all change, all the time. Not doing so would be not only hubris, but impossible.
You don’t have to share it all, you don’t have to justify anything, and you don’t have to worry about anyone, or their opinion, other than your kids, the rest of your family, the people you choose to call friends, and, of course, the Runner.
As for the stuff you continue to share, or decide to justify, or choose to worry about, that’s entirely up to you, too.
Rest assured there’ll be lots of us hoping your happiness endures, reading about your changing, challenging life, and continuing to be entertained, inspired, and moved.
I’m truly sorry for your loss, and genuinely glad about your happiness.
Comment by Lisa | 01.26.2010 | 4:50 pm
Kudos for, once again, sharing what it is like to go through the journey of losing a loved one to cancer, including how to move on in your life in healthy ways and deal with people who cannot know what you feel or what is best for you.
I vote for Fatty living in the present moment, happy or sad or anywhere in between, no matter what that looks like, feels like or sounds like to anyone else.
Anyone who is not happy for you when you are happy is missing an opportunity to feel happiness themselves. Naysayers likely are avoiding having to take an uncomfortable look at themselves.
I also don’t understand why folks don’t understand and respect that what you do for the fight against cancer, and when and how you do it, is your very personal gift to the world.
Right now the gift you are giving by sharing your happiness is to help others see that there is hope after losing a loved one to cancer and that the best way to stay fit and contribute to the fight against cancer is to be healthy in body, mind and spirit.
It’s the same blog purpose as always: It’s just that now it’s the “fat” of the impact of cancer on your life and your spirit that is/has been coming off and we get to cheer you on as you move on in your life.
My bet is that your new happiness will fuel your fight against cancer in new, different ways and, I know, even greater ways-Take that cancer!
Rock on Fatty!
Comment by mzadvntr | 01.26.2010 | 4:51 pm
Elden, feel what you feel, do what you do, you are not public property, and those who think they have any stake in what you are allowed to feel or do are sorely misguided. You write this blog for YOU not for them. We just get to enjoy it with you. Thanks :)
Comment by Greg | 01.26.2010 | 4:52 pm
Good for you!!!!
Comment by Joel | 01.26.2010 | 4:53 pm
Hey Fatty:
Don’t know if you really read all the way down to post one-nintey-something, and maybe others have said all that needs to be said, but:
1. People grieve in different ways. If there are people who have a problem with your happiness, it’s because of that.
2. Its not an either or decision, in my opinion. WE’re complex creatures. I supsect you’re greiving, even while your happy. (I have a friend who remarried–rather quickly, in the opinion of some–after the death of her husband. She is happily married, but even so she still mourns her first husband (especially around the anniversary of his death).
3. I know a number of people who have remarried after losing spouses. Interestingly, I think its the people who were happiest in their first marriages who find themselves entering relationships quickest (the opposite of what some folks might expect, I think).
4. I think you just declared your “in love”. Good for you!
Comment by Mike | 01.26.2010 | 4:54 pm
What do you mean “I have not done much in the fight against cancer.” I beg to differ, I remember a little fundraising challenge for livestrong that you organized.
So you need to cut yourself a little slack!
Comment by Joel | 01.26.2010 | 4:55 pm
PS: I personally think its good that you’re taking a little break from the cancer fund-raising. People who become defined by their losses generally aren’t in a very good place…take a break, focus on joy, be happy!
Comment by James | 01.26.2010 | 4:57 pm
P.S. Happiness is NEVER a problem.
Comment by Roseanne | 01.26.2010 | 4:57 pm
Fatty, when I read that you had someone new in your life I was so very happy for you. Do what feels right for you and your family and ignore those naysayers. You deserve the happiness you’ve found, don’t let it go, it’s hard to find sometimes.
Comment by Nancy P | 01.26.2010 | 4:58 pm
There’s some strange and not altogether unwelcome relief that comes with the death of someone you love: You never have to worry about them again in that intense, consuming, crazy, (sometimes) helpless way. It can be a huge weight off your shoulders, but it doesn’t mean you miss her any less.
Grief’s a mysterious thing, a non-linear process, and no one has the right to tell you how to “do it.”
So go on, be productive, be happy, keep moving and as long as you’re honest with yourself and those closest to you about what you’re feeling, no one else has the right to judge you.
Fight on, Fatty.
Comment by jpsills | 01.26.2010 | 5:04 pm
Hey Fatty,
I’ve never commented on your site before but I’m a big fan. You are an inspiration and I’m proud of you for sharing your story. I find it extremely brave. You really don’t have to answer to anyone and after what you’ve given, I’d venture to say it’s definitely “fatty time”. As far as happiness goes, everything is a process. Take one day at a time. You hear it a lot but it’s something I have to constantly remind myself of. Thanks again for sharing!
Jason
Comment by Alec | 01.26.2010 | 5:06 pm
Alright Fatty Big Man…
I think it is better to let people know and to be honest if you are unhappy about something that just say I am ok it is ok I am fine.
I had a bad day a few months ago and spilled the beans to one of my colleagues who is one of a few I think I could trust. It was a bit of a surprise for them for they had no idea I was so upset.
They were quite honest with me and told me, I should tell people if I am pissed off about something and if I am having a bad day, say I am having a bad day. If you say your ok and fine it dont work as people are not stupid the eyes and face speak a lot about how someone is feeling.
I think if your at least honest, folk will respect that. I think there is too much of all this positive I am ok fine stuff just to make some one else happy and put on a happy face to the world.
Your real friends will always stand by you through the good and bad that is when you know who your friends are. I reckon you already know that like most here.
All the best fatty, your honesty and shareing of your thoughts has been very humbling. Enjoy it.
Comment by Steve | 01.26.2010 | 5:09 pm
Still just as big a fan as ever, Fatty. Keep on doing what you do, man.
Comment by Kevin | 01.26.2010 | 5:10 pm
Amen, Elden! You are feeling and doing exactly what you ought to be feeling and doing. Don’t let ANYONE tell you different or tear you down. You just keep loving those kids, enjoying your new relationship, and living life to the fullest! You deserve every moment of it.
Comment by Debbie in Memphis | 01.26.2010 | 5:13 pm
I don’t comment often, tho I read every post. I want to delurk today just to say that I think it’s a wonderful blessing that you’re able to find happiness after such a painful and crushing past 3 years. I didn’t really know Susan, but I can only imagine that she’s thrilled for you and the kids. I know I would feel that way. I hope that every day of your future is happier than the day before. Sending love, prayers and hugs across the internet.
Comment by Toby | 01.26.2010 | 5:23 pm
You and your children should be and need to be in a happy place if growth will take place. You all have learned hard lessons from the toughest school there is…life.
Be happy, smile when you feel like you need to..it’s OK…Susan is smiling with all of you
Comment by Mike Durner | 01.26.2010 | 5:27 pm
Be happy dude. As for changing, each day in life changes all of us, so far I see a better Fatty.
Comment by Lauren | 01.26.2010 | 5:30 pm
You deserve to be happy and I’m incredibly happy to have noticed a positive change in you over the last few months. Take your time and do what you need to do to continue to be happy and resume being master coordinator when you feel the time is right for you. In the meantime, I’m happy to read about your blossoming happiness in this next phase of your life. You’re an inspiration as an athlete and as a person- you have a heart of gold.
Comment by Chris | 01.26.2010 | 5:30 pm
Elden — be happy and don’t make excuses for it. You deserve happiness — your children deserve happiness and they need to feel your happiness — Enjoy this time!
Comment by Saso | 01.26.2010 | 5:32 pm
I have found an alternative scientific explanation for your happiness question. Having followed your blog for 6 years, I have always wondered how come you (i) write several great posts per week, (ii) take care of 4 kids, (iii) take care of a very sick wife, (iv) be obviously good at your daily job, (v) ride the bike quite often, etc. I must say I was feeling rather incompetent at times looking at my daily routine.
The explanation: your enormous quads disturb the time continuum thus masking the time go faster for you. Thus, in one day, you live a life of a standard person regular week. That explains the grieving period. And makes me feel less incompetent in comparison.
Seriously, I appreciate your candid post but no need to explain yourself. Yes, this blog has been different for past several weeks. It resembles much more to what I remember from 6 years ago, which I think is your happy yourself. I have one thing to say: FINALLY AND GOOD FOR YOU!
But obviously, your have a different tiem continuum around
Comment by Betsy | 01.26.2010 | 5:34 pm
Some people don’t understand that Change is the ONLY Constant in life. You are not the same person day to day. You deserve to be happy, to take a break, to re-adjust to being a single Dad who is dating again after a long time. I didn’t start following until after your wife passed, but I’m sure she would want you to be happy. It is not disrespectful to her memory. Be true to yourself. When you are it makes you a better Dad, better partner, better at everything and for everyone you meet. So be happy. Be Happy!
Comment by Scott | 01.26.2010 | 5:42 pm
Fatty,
A couple of points…
First of all, You don’t owe anybody anything. You only owe yourself, and your family your true feelings.
As for taking a break from fighting cancer, wasn’t it just a short time ago that you raised over $75,000 for Livestrong in a matter of a few days? I think that qualifies as a good fight against cancer.
Keep fighting the good fight, and allow yourself the pursuit (and capture) of happiness.
Comment by Russell | 01.26.2010 | 5:44 pm
Beautiful post Fatty.
Comment by Steve | 01.26.2010 | 5:45 pm
Big guts it took to write that and be that open. All the best man, that was inspiring to me on many different levels. Wow
Comment by Kamala | 01.26.2010 | 5:46 pm
I’m glad someone brought up the December fundraising. Whoever is complaining that you’re not doing enough needs some serious perspective adjustment. It took you 3 days to bring in six figures off a freaken joke. A JOKE! That’s more than most people could hope to raise in a lifetime. You don’t need me or anyone else to tell you that you’ve earned some down time, but you’ve earned some down time.
You need to do what you need to do, not appear to do what you think other people want you to do. And if what you need to do is be happy (and you are happy) than be happy. Maybe you need some BSNYC-approved rims for the haters.
We have one life to live. Ride it like you stole it.
Comment by whitp | 01.26.2010 | 5:50 pm
Good for you Fatty! So glad to hear you are doing so well! Be happy!!
Comment by ALgoat | 01.26.2010 | 5:55 pm
keep it up man, you’re doing awesome.
Comment by Amy Deschamp | 01.26.2010 | 6:12 pm
I just wanted to say that I did comment to a friend the other day–wow it seems really quick that he has a girlfriend, but reading your post puts it in perspective and who am I do judge. So I just wanted to say that I jumped to a conclusion too quickly and good for you!
Comment by Mark Twain | 01.26.2010 | 6:12 pm
Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination.
- The Mysterious Stranger
Comment by Mark Twain | 01.26.2010 | 6:13 pm
You are a good man fatty
Comment by Frankenhip | 01.26.2010 | 6:23 pm
You don’t own anyone an explanation for your life. That said, it was a wonderful post.
Comment by Frankenhip | 01.26.2010 | 6:24 pm
Darn it! I meant “owe anyone”…
Comment by Judgement free zone | 01.26.2010 | 6:25 pm
The length of time you grieve is NOT proportional to how much you loved Susan.
It’s not.
Go on, be happy. I’m happy for you.
Comment by JÁnn | 01.26.2010 | 6:29 pm
I’ll join the long list of first time posters inspired by your blog. Remember, we don’t live in a society where the surviving spouse is expected to throw themselves on the funeral pyre. I can’t imagine how that helps the children, or anyone else!
When I started seeing my wonderful husband a friend told me she was concerned about my “rebound relationship” since I had only been single for a few months. She meant well, but I had known my new love for several years. When I found myself unexpectedly single it just seemed comfortable for our relationship to evolve into the 15 year marriage I’m very grateful for. It’s great to find someone who already knows you, and likes you anyway. Wishing you the best!
Comment by Heidi | 01.26.2010 | 6:29 pm
To have shared such a deep love in your life was a tremendous blessing. The opportunity to love again? Priceless. To goal is to be happy. I’d say you’re doing a darned good job of it.
Comment by thejerry | 01.26.2010 | 6:30 pm
I can’t say I know you personally but if I had to guess I’d say your situation has changed, but I don’t think you, Fatty, have changed.
Comment by Lindaloo | 01.26.2010 | 6:37 pm
Fatty, it’s nobody’s business but yours how you are living your life. Follow your heart, justify yourself to no one and continue to teach us all the art of life. You will do the world more good by being happy, goodness knows you’ve had your share of sadness. I say you are blessed to find love again. Hooray to The Runner!
Comment by Susie | 01.26.2010 | 6:42 pm
I think you have handled your life so remarkably well, and I am glad that you are not dwelling on the past because that is what certain folks think we should all do. We all deal in our own way, and I think your way, for you, is indeed wonderful. You are an open book, one that is not yet finished, and it’s why so many of us keep on coming back!
Comment by Heidi | 01.26.2010 | 6:43 pm
Don’t Worry, Be Happy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yHFDa9efCQU
Comment by Mandy from KS | 01.26.2010 | 6:44 pm
Fatty-
You deserve to be happy. Enjoy it. By the way you wrote yesterday (I think) that you’ve never ridden a recumbent before. If you ever do, I’ll go with you.
Mandy from KS
Comment by Marilyn | 01.26.2010 | 6:49 pm
Happiness is all that matters in life. I know your battle as I took care of my son who had health issues and died 16 years ago today. He was 2 when I started taking him to the doctors and he died when he was 12 so as much as I loved him with all my heart it was like he was finially free from all his problems. I have been a single parent raising my other 2 children since my husband walk out on us just months before my son’s death. After dealing with all that heart ache I know happiness is all that matters so go for it. Life goes on and you were there for Susan and took great care of her so hold your head HIGH!!!!
Comment by marishka | 01.26.2010 | 6:52 pm
Fatty, you don’t have to answer to anyone but yourself and your kids. You can grieve and you can live your life the way you see fit–how can anyone dare say what is the right emotion for you to feel at the “proper” time?
And as for not doing anything for the fight against cancer? Didn’t you just raise a boatload of money (around $50k?) in December? The holiday month? In a recession? I think you deserve a minute off.
Don’t be hard on yourself. You are a good man and deserve every happiness coming your way!
Comment by Kim | 01.26.2010 | 6:52 pm
To find love twice is incredible. Enjoy the ride.
Comment by Sramtaro | 01.26.2010 | 6:54 pm
You don’t have to defend yourself for being happy. Not ever, or to anyone. What you are describing is being happy, not gratified. Gratification sometimes can come at others expense, but I don’t think genuine happiness really can. Keep doing what you think is right, because it probably is.
That said, if you have anything to say for yourself about making an Ibis Silk a single-speed, that could probably use an argument in its defense.
Comment by ~Mad | 01.26.2010 | 6:54 pm
“Don’t worry – Be Happy” – I was going to write that!
My first husband dies many many years ago of cancer – over an almost two year period. I’d never been through an experience like that one (…and hope I never do again.)
Your life is your own – phooey! (HA!) on what anyone else says – we all grieve in different ways and there certainly is no CORRECT way to grieve.
I can’t judge whether you have changed or not – but that post yesterday on spinning only affirmed for me that you have a wonderful, hysterical sense of humor – and you are feeling more and more like using it. How can anyone judge that as “wrong”, ” bad” or negative in any way.
YOU GO, FATTY!
~Mad(elyn) in Alabama
BTW, voted for you in two categories earlier – I hope you win!
Comment by pinkrrt | 01.26.2010 | 6:55 pm
37 years as a nurse has taught me their is no “policy and procedure for grieving”. Live BIG Live HAPPY!!!!
Post more pictures of Kenny in various states of “undress” for all us single gals out here
Comment by Jake | 01.26.2010 | 7:00 pm
The ignorant morons whom cowardly bad mouth you behind anonymity, F’em Fatty. You are an inspiration, someone who has shown me what true courage is. My only complaint is that you have set the bar for family man too high and us lesser parents will never measure up. As I have said a few times before, thank you for notching my faith in humanity up a few points with your stories.
Comment by Dan | 01.26.2010 | 7:07 pm
Only you know when you are ready. We are all here because we love who you are and support you.
Comment by Gina | 01.26.2010 | 7:11 pm
I’m sure that Susan would want you to be happy, for you and for your kids. Who’s to say what the “correct” amount of time is before moving on with your life. Life presented you with a gift when you needed it most. Enjoy it, live it, be happy. You deserve it, and the ones who truly love you will be happy with you.
Comment by RJD | 01.26.2010 | 7:13 pm
Fatty, I have been in awe of you for a long time. I am also impressed with your level of insight into yourself and your own motivations. It is natural to ask yourself if it is too soon, but the fact that you are doing so is a sign of health.
Comment by Michael in TN | 01.26.2010 | 7:30 pm
You are the man, Fatty! Your situation is very similar to what my father-in-law went through. He started dating someone 6 months after his wife past away after a 2.5 year battle with cancer. You are absolutely right, the day Susan died was not the start of your grieving process. I appreciate your candor on what many consider a sensitive subject and far to many people seem to pass judgment.
Off topic but since you are now best friends with Lance and the folks over at LAF, tell them they need a LiveStrong Challenge in the southeast!
Comment by Zed | 01.26.2010 | 7:30 pm
Fatty, dude, I don’t know if you’re still reading the comments. It’s okay if you don’t happen to read mine. I gotta tell you: There were moments in your old blog (before Susan got sick again) when I thought you were sort of cocky. Seriously. Remember the time you made fun of Cannondale for their little motorcycle mistake? Yeah, I confess, I came away thinking you were a bit of a jerk.
Do you remember me telling you about having done a triathlon? You probably don’t. Anyway, you made a comment at the time about your blog persona being different from your real persona. I think I’ve realized over time that the impression I sometimes get from your blog posts is not necessarily the same as the impression I’d get from you in person. Heck, fact is, Elden, I met you in person. I already know you’re a really nice guy (even if I was more nervous and awkward around you than I would be if I met Harrison Ford). You’re a good guy, Fatty. You deserve to be happy.
I think the people who are making negative comments are people who discovered your blog during this trying time in your life and who, perhaps, weren’t familiar with your sometimes acerbic wit. It’s too bad, though, because your acerbic wit is awfully funny. Heck, it’s probably the reason I’ve been reading your blog for five years now.
Now don’t get a big head about that.
Comment by bradk | 01.26.2010 | 7:31 pm
first of all was that really Popovych? Awesomely awesome post today BTW. However, I am concerned that you have changed and I don’t know yet if it will be good or bad but I have a feeling that you’re going to ask that the rules of Fall Moab be broken this year to allow females.
Comment by Wonderdyke | 01.26.2010 | 7:38 pm
Hey Fatty – The thing the naysayers seem to be forgetting is that most, if not all, of them don’t know you and wouldnt, were it not for your blog. You’ve shared more details of your intimate personal life than most – and if they don’t like it, then don’t read the blog. Speaking personally, as I’ve told you before, reading your blog was what inspired mine and you’ve done it again. If you can come through what you have and still have the ability and emotional availability to love someone – go for it! Even better that she also loved Susan as someone who respects her memory will be that much better for you and your children. Runner, as a fellow nurse – way to represent!
Comment by Bush Babe | 01.26.2010 | 7:51 pm
Fatty, I am not an overly regular reader but I do check in from time time to see how you are travelling (not much of a bike rider I have to admit!).
Regardless, I shall post my two cents worth here – I think you need it!
People change every day – they change for a million different reasons. Some people (regardless of health) change together, some drift apart for reasons they don’t fully understand. And when we blog we share about 1/10 of who we are – probably less. Your reasons for long grieving a relationship are clear and undeniable. You don’t need to explain them – any moron should understand that…
You don’t need to apologise for the changes that have contributed to making you happy. As some have said before, your wife would WANT you to be happy after such a terrible and traumatic period. And every love is different – this love does not negate the love you and Susan shared. It is new and different and seperate.
Life is short. Be happy. It’s the one thing that is up to us to achieve.
:-)
BB
Comment by John Alvord | 01.26.2010 | 7:57 pm
I seldom post comments, but wanted to share that your open and honest sharing of your life is some of the most powerful writing I’ve read anywhere. I love your conversational style and I love how you share what’s in your heart. You shared the sorrow so it’s only right that you should share the joy as it begins to displace the sorrow. Besides, there is no time except now anyway. May all of your now be filled with good friends and love.
Comment by Jay (anonymously) | 01.26.2010 | 8:01 pm
Fatty,
I see that 247 folks have alrady beat me to posting. I hope, and suspect, that they are positively in your corner. I will post then read them, so this may be redundant. Who cares!
First of all, as my pastor told me many years ago at the funeral for my dad (who died when I was 23 of a heart attack–he was 47, like I am now): this is a season of your life. You have gone through many seasons in the past, including an especially long, dark, bitterly cold winter. Now it is Spring. Rejoice, thank God for the good stuff, even if you are understandly royally angry at the bad stuff, and enjoy it. Enjoy it to the fullest. I’m sure lots of folks will offer advice however poor it is well-intentioned. Like you describe in the post above, you have already been through a lot of grief, and you owe nobody anything more in that regard. This may hurt to think about, but that includes Susan.
Comment by Rocket | 01.26.2010 | 8:03 pm
Hi Mr Fatty,
What a great observation of grief loss and rebounding, you have put into perspective the magic of the spirit to relearn and love again. Also a great observation on the observers in all us and how we expect you to act, of course you changed and of course your compass has shifted. Isnt guilt great so go blame your parents for that, now that the break is over enjoy life, we get one go around.
Comment by Philly Jen | 01.26.2010 | 8:04 pm
#250! (Or, as they say over in BSNYC-land, “Jen250th!”)
*hug*
Comment by Alex | 01.26.2010 | 8:10 pm
Take a break. Enjoy being happy. You do the things you need to do for yourself. Let the naysayers say what they will; recovering from intense emotional trauma is difficult, and everyone does it their way. This is your way, so embrace it. As long as nobody is getting hurt, it’s all good.
We’ll be here to help you when you’re ready to do battle with cancer again.
Comment by MJ | 01.26.2010 | 8:11 pm
Fatty – You’re an uber-mensch. It is unkind and unreasonable of people to put their own expectations and filters on how you live your life – perhaps they should tend to their own knitting, as the saying goes. Should you be happy? Yes, of course. That’s what everyone who loves you and anyone who knows you would want for you. Should you be happy “this soon”? What a ridiculous thing for other people to be concerning themselves with. Adjusting to a new normal and creating a new happy is something that happens uniquely for each person, just like grieving is unique for each person, and in its own ways and cycles. Mileage varies, and I am sorry that some have chosen to judge you instead of support you. They are so outnumbered here as to be irrelevant. Those of us touched by you, Susan and your efforts in this world want only the best and the happiest for you and your family.
Comment by CyclingAndrea | 01.26.2010 | 8:14 pm
It is a wonderful statement about life for your children to see you happy.
Comment by joliver3 | 01.26.2010 | 8:25 pm
No one who hasn’t been through what you’ve been through (which includes me) is in any position to judge you or how you’ve reacted to all of these changes in your life. Who among us can say with any certainty how we would behave or react in similar circumstances until it happens to us?
Anyone who’s followed this blog over the last couple of years has seen enough of your true nature that I don’t know how they could question your happiness. If anyone deserves some happiness right now, it’s you.
I hope you and the kids are doing well.
Comment by Amy | 01.26.2010 | 8:26 pm
Wait…so you’re not going to post topless pictures of Kenny? Dang.
Comment by judi | 01.26.2010 | 8:27 pm
eldon, you certainly have the right to be happy. you own it! be who you are because people love you from all around. keep it real bro. :)
Comment by Jeremy | 01.26.2010 | 8:32 pm
Fatty,
Be who you are. Every relationship is different and every person is different. My aunt absolutely blasted my grandfather when he remarried after Grandma died. Sure, it was a little cruel, but she decided long ago, before my uncle actually died, she would never remarry regardless.
I would venture a guess you and Susan had a conversation or two about what you each would do if the other was gone. It seems like a perfectly natural conversation for committed couples to have, though I admittedly have limited experience (wink, wink to my wife). My wife and I actually had a conversation about The Runner development and it sparked a brief reiteration of what we had discussed before about living on without the other.
You are blessed man in many ways and in my judgment (not that it counts), you are perfectly welcome to be as happy as you want to be. Do what works for you. Sure, some people are going to be offended, but they don’t count. You, The Runner and the bushel of kids who share your home are the ONLY ones who matter on the count of your happiness.
Wishing you the best,
Jeremy
Comment by gumoore | 01.26.2010 | 8:35 pm
Thank you for your honesty and for such an eloquent post.
It is a testament of the depth of your relationship with Susan that you would want to find love again.
As a cancer thriver, I’ve been the recipient of care. During my treatment and recovery, there is nothing I wanted more than for my husband to continue, live, be happy and find love again should anything happen to me. If he could find half of what we’ve had together, he would be a rich man.
Let people talk. What matters is you and your family. The rest of us can go to he**.
Comment by Razor | 01.26.2010 | 8:42 pm
Hi Fatty,
Congratulations, mate.
Comment by WheelDancer | 01.26.2010 | 8:46 pm
We change every single day, some more than others, but always in our own way and at our own pace. Folks who criticize how others live their lives are likely not growing or living their own lives.
For me, the wonderful prose you put out is the core of I see you as and the change I see is greater wisdom which is only gained by living life. Don’t worry, be happy and I will continue to follow your story wherever it leads.
Peace.
Comment by Linda | 01.26.2010 | 8:54 pm
As always, your honesty and integrity shines through. Thsnk you for sharing, and I think the Runner is perfect for you!
Comment by Alex M Lewis | 01.26.2010 | 8:54 pm
Fatty I noticed a change for the better.
You have a right to move on and be happy.
Susan & you must have discussed it and I’m sure she would not expect you to be unhappy. She married you because you made her laugh and brought joy into her life. Don’t change yourself.
I look forward to reading your posts and am gald you have found the Runner to be part of your life.
Your readers the loyal ones are on your side.
Alex
Comment by chad | 01.26.2010 | 8:55 pm
Fatty,
We all went through this w/you in a sense. i’m happy for you. people that think have changed can go elsewhere. keep on keeping on.
Comment by Dogwood | 01.26.2010 | 9:00 pm
Fatty,
I’ve had the sadly unique experience of watching two men lose their wives to cancer, my dad and my brother-in-law’s dad.
My mom died over 16 years ago and my dad took it really hard. Long-story short, for two years he was the most miserable, lonely man on the planet. Then, over time, he began moving on with life, including dating. Today, at 73 years old, he has a girlfriend and fills his days with numerous activities. He is busy, happy and not alone.
A couple years after my mom died, my brother-in-law’s mom died from cancer. Upon her death, her husband almost immediately began dating a woman who had been a family friend for decades. She had lost her husband years before. Their relationship was a natural outgrowth of their lifelong friendship, and their respective children encouraged and supported the relationship in every possible way. For nearly 15 years they loved and cared for each other until her death in December.
If the two ways of dealing with grief were put to a vote, I would vote for being happy and in love sooner, rather than later. Life is too short, too precious, and too unpredictable to wait until tomorrow.
God Bless.
Comment by Anonymous | 01.26.2010 | 9:21 pm
Dear Fatty,
Life is for the living. Honour your wife’s memory by being a great Dad. By being happy, those around you will be too.
Your accomplishments for those of us with cancer are epic! Thank you! Now go have fun!
Comment by DifferentKenny | 01.26.2010 | 9:25 pm
Happy is a good place to be. It was pretty clear that you loved Susan, and she loved you. I’ve watched two grandparents stop being happy because they felt guilty being happy after their spouses have died. Go with happy, it’s how we are supposed to live. Honor your wife’s memory, keep up the good fight, but be happy. I don’t know why people would be so concerned about you enjoying life… they should be concerned about your insane desire to run when there are so many perfectly good bikes out there just waiting for a good ride… silly running…
Comment by John | 01.26.2010 | 9:28 pm
I think you’ve more than earned the right to relax and enjoy life including doing stuff that makes you happy or satisfied or whatever. Anybody giving you a hard time over this really ought to reconsider what message they’re sending.
Comment by jacked | 01.26.2010 | 9:31 pm
When I got divorced a few years ago, a friend compared the divorce to a death of a relationship. And when I stumbled into a new relationship with my daughters godmother and was shocked at how easy it was to be happy, another friend told me to enjoy the “easy”, that it doesn’t have to be hard.
That was some of the best advice I have been given. Especially with my new wife watching over my shoulders as I type.
Enjoy!
David
Comment by John | 01.26.2010 | 9:32 pm
Incredibly insightful and frank. Another amazing post. Live strong, Fatty.
Comment by Kathy | 01.26.2010 | 9:34 pm
One of my best friends lost her husband to cancer. Her story is very much like yours – she had been grieving this loss for at least a year before he actually died. She got married again a little too quick for some folks, I know this because they told me so – you know like the anonymous people that tell you how you should live your life, apparently I was the email link, “well I don’t want to say anything but since you are her friend maybe you could pass the message along” You get my drift. I pretty much didn’t tell her any of it. She was happy and has been happy in her new marriage for around 10 years – SO I would tell you to follow your heart and be understanding of those who are still missing Susan.
Comment by Anonymous | 01.26.2010 | 9:47 pm
Fatty keep up the fight!
Comment by Dan O | 01.26.2010 | 9:58 pm
Dude – you’ve been through hell. Terrible outcome, but it’s over. Through chance, luck, or whatever – you found someone else – a good thing.
Stay connected and close with your kids and it’s all good.
Comment by Colin | 01.26.2010 | 10:04 pm
It is great to hear that You are happy. Your memory has made Susan a legend. Thank You for letting us know that You are happy and things are going great for You. My girlfriend and I have been reading for about a year and have cried manny times for You.
Thank You, and keep having fun
Colin and Robyn
Comment by cdags | 01.26.2010 | 10:15 pm
Couple of quotes for you:
“Well, a wiser fellow than myself once said, sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear, well, he eats you.” ~The Stranger
“One should never judge a man’s actions without knowing his motives.” ~some kinda Eastern thing
Keep on eating that bear, Elden. I reckon you’ve earned it.
Comment by Jo | 01.26.2010 | 10:21 pm
Elden, I’m sorry you’ve gotten negative comments about your new relationship. Of course we all want you to be happy. Kris and I are just worried that if you host another “Tri-ath-a-lon” that you will ask us to run or something.
Comment by Scott in MN | 01.26.2010 | 10:23 pm
Fatty,
As a therapist (and a friend to someone who lost his wife, also a close friend, to cancer) I have struggled to find the words explaining to grieving spouses why they have the right to be happy and move on. It is not uncommon (it’s actually extremely common) for men in particular to start seeing someone soon after the loss of their wife. The reasons for this are what you stated — you have been grieving everyday for the duration of the illness and when they passed, the grieving could stop. Reading that struck me — that’s exactly what I’ve wanted to say, but have been unable. So, with your permission, I would like to print this article and use it in my work with grieving spouses when they struggle with “being happy too soon”.
As for the nay-sayers — screw ‘em. You’ve been through hell and deserve to be happy. It’s what Susan wants for you and your children.
Take care and God Bless.
Scott
Comment by Bob Landy | 01.26.2010 | 10:28 pm
The human spirit will not allow one to grieve forever. You’ll work it out in your own time and when ready move forward. But you’ll never forget the past it will just be framed by your next experience. I just want to add my voice in support of you and your family
Comment by BOOTS | 01.26.2010 | 10:29 pm
LIFE IS SHORT – PLAY HARD.
And to quote that very wise man, Ben Franklin: Beer is proof God loves us and wants us to be happy!
You have a circle of close friends, so lean on them if you feel the need. They will feel gratified, and you both will benefit. The picture of the core team sitting around a table with a pitcher of ale, BSing, is a happy scene. Go for it!
Comment by Kelly Martinson | 01.26.2010 | 10:30 pm
Well said. Simply, well said.
I had thought to myself many times reading your blog that you lost Susan in many ways, like you said, a few years ago. Being a caretaker is not the same as being a husband – no less important and deepening on another level, but different.
My husband and I just got our oldest child through brain surgery in the fall to remove a tumor. We received help and support from countless people, which was amazing. Our closest friends, however, sent the two of us on vacation for four days to a sunny Caribbean island (we live in Minnesota) and it was exactly what we needed. We needed a break. So do you. Take it.
Comment by McDicDoc | 01.26.2010 | 10:33 pm
I’m so happy to read this post and really glad you addressed this issue. I had been cheering you on and wondering what you were thinking about it. You couldn’t have explained it better or worded it more eloquently. For those of us who haven’t yet lost someone close, this is very eye opening. Stay happy…we like it.
Comment by co | 01.26.2010 | 10:38 pm
on the death of a loved one to cancer: I was nothing but relieved when my Dad finally didn’t wake up. So much better than cringing through the suffering. Everyone, including you, deserves to be happy.
Comment by Karen | 01.26.2010 | 10:49 pm
You deserve guilt free happiness!
You also deserve a break!
Good for you, we are all glad you are happy!
Comment by Terri | 01.26.2010 | 11:19 pm
Happy, happy, joy, joy. It’s a good thing.
Comment by KeepYerBag | 01.26.2010 | 11:20 pm
Though our paths crossed briefly and more than two decades ago, your writing serves as a testament that, at your core, you are still the same kind, decent and fundamentally good person now that you were then. You’re perhaps the most emotionally stable and temperate person I’ve ever known.
Anyone who thinks you’re doing Susan’s memory an injustice needs to go back and read this blog from the beginning. You’ve done precisely the opposite. You have expressed your love for her in word and in deed with matchless eloquence.
You’ve taken one sucker punch after another from an insideous foe and refused to roll over. Instead, with the help of your readers, you fought back with nearly a million dollars worth of vengance. Even now, when nobody could righfully fault you for throwing in the towel, you vow to fight on.
Though my battle is with a dragon other than cancer, as one who depends almost completely on a caregiver for even the most basic needs, I have only this to say: Bravo. From my perspective, I feel you’re fully justified to consider your service to Susan your life’s finest accomplishment.
Bravo again.
Relish your happiness, Elden. You deserve it, you’re a class act and you are doing nothing wrong. The mindless prattle of the naysayers is worth precisely what you’ve paid for it: Nothing.
Comment by Weiland | 01.26.2010 | 11:29 pm
The only approval you need to date the Runner is maybe from her Father and from the Runner of course.
Comment by Dobovedo | 01.26.2010 | 11:30 pm
Fatty,
This post was one I assumed you would eventually write, and it couldn’t have been written any better. I don’t think you needed to explain anything, but I am glad you wrote did. You are wrong about something. You are STILL doing a lot in the fight against cancer. 250+ comments demonstrate that you are helping people understand what it is like to find happiness in the wake of such a lengthy, painful and tragic loss.
If you never did another thing to fight against cancer, you have already done far more than most people will ever do in their lives. It was your tether. You can let go that tether or keep it. Never do you have to defend either choice, nor do you have to defend your happiness.
Dug and Kenny said it best, in very few words. I haven’t met either of them, but I like them. Keep them close.
Comment by Ky Clyde | 01.26.2010 | 11:32 pm
Elden,
For those of us who have followed you through your and Susan’s fight, we need no explanation. I completely identify with you, and can tell you that those who question your motives have never experienced what you have. The grieving and loss process starts long before our loved ones with terminal illness lose their battles. I can imagine that Susan is blessing your life with good things for you and your children. All of you deserve some happiness in your life. I for one am happy as hell for you. Ride on my Brother, ride on…(even if you’re talking craziness..like doing a triathlon or something)
Comment by 21stCentury Mom | 01.26.2010 | 11:35 pm
This is comment 287 on this post so I have no idea what anyone else has said and I can’t imagine you will ever have the time to read this but I’ll say it anyhow.
It’s so sweet of you to concern yourself about what other people think because really… .REALLY??!! What you have gone through is truly unimaginable in spite of your writing about it and bringing it out into the open. I held my mother’s hand while she died and I’m pretty sure there is no way to convey that experience in words. So what other people think is their business, not mine or yours. But you know that.
The other thing I have to say is that I am shocked that people from Church would not give you a giant hall pass on that program. The kind that is tethered to a big piece of wood so that no one can stuff it in a pocket or lose it. How dare they. You deserve a lot of time to heal, to recover and to not have to write or plan programs. Someone should have taken that off your hands.
And last of all – congratulations! I’m sure it must come as some relief that your heart is still open to real love and that you can feel true happiness. Enjoy!
Comment by Lauren | 01.26.2010 | 11:52 pm
I am certain there are people out there who expect you to mourn Susan for the rest of your life, that you should just stop living because she’s gone. And they’re simply wrong. Life is nothing but change. I admire your ability to still jump into the unknown when, by rights, you have more reason then most to not do so.
Comment by Lisa | 01.26.2010 | 11:54 pm
You deserve to be happy and to have someone take care of you for a change. I wish you and your family all the best!
Comment by Debbie | 01.27.2010 | 12:21 am
It is not a betrayal of Susan or your life together if you’re happy now. Remember those statistics: men in happy marriages who lost their spouse tended to marry sooner. It is seen as a good thing – that the men felt marraige was such a good experience before they wanted to have someone special again – soon. So go for it. And be happy that you can be happy!
Comment by Michele | 01.27.2010 | 12:59 am
Always follow your heart…
Comment by MVSC | 01.27.2010 | 1:14 am
Three cheers for happiness! onward and upward…
Comment by dpcowboy | 01.27.2010 | 1:20 am
Those words made even this hard boiled cynic read with rapt attention. Very well said, courageous. Thank you.
Comment by Sven | 01.27.2010 | 1:21 am
Keep writing, keep riding and have as much fun as possible.
No, it’s not too early to start having a good time again. It never is. Your late wife understands and everybody else is.
Look ahead – you did and still are doing a so much better job for society than any of us swivel chair jockeys who like to ride a bike once in a while.
You make me laugh a lot when I read your blog and you are just plain nutty awesome. Man, if I were female and maybe 20 years older, I’d hunt you down and try to give you a happy smile every day.
Too bad I am just a competitive cycle companion *lol*
In a nutshell: Keep pushing … you left the uphill part, enjoy the downhill part .. it might not even last too long (as downhill parts always do).
A big hug from me,
sjk
Comment by Peter in Seoul | 01.27.2010 | 1:27 am
Elden,
A very nice and thoughtful letter. I think that we all have grieved with you and your family. And in some way, maybe some of us were not ready to move on… Yes, what a funny thing to say.
But I am so happy for you. You deserve happiness. Your kids deserve a happy father and a happy home. As someone said above, follow your heart.
We are all behind you.
Comment by ricky | 01.27.2010 | 1:34 am
totally dialed. what a year it has been. thanks for the update. Keep moving forward.
Comment by Uni-Tom | 01.27.2010 | 1:37 am
Eldon I only know you through your blog and a brief intro when we rode Team MSFT in the MS 150. But from what you write, I can’t imagine anything that disrespects Susan’s memory. You helped take what could have been a very private, family memory, and open it up to many many people. More people remember Susan now, and think about her fight and do their own work to further her fight. You keep doing that, that’s the respect for her memory.
But you’re human, and you have been through trauma equally as trying, but now have to stay behind and endure, move on. I’m glad you have found someone that wants to be with you, and also was a friend and respect’s Susan’s memory. A memory can’t take care of a family…only you can at this point. And to do so, you need to be solid and happy. The airplanes have it right when they say “take care of your own oxygen needs before attending to the needs of your children.” That may be the only sensible policy they have these days, but it’s a good one. Happy Daddy, Happy Family.
Bless you all…
Comment by Jenn | 01.27.2010 | 1:58 am
I laughed…I cried. Beautiful post. And once again I marvel at the humanity of this community. It’s nice to start the day with my heart all big and puffy…thanks, Fatty. Embrace this, you deserve it.
Comment by Test4Eric | 01.27.2010 | 3:06 am
I know what Bike Snob NYC would say…
All you haters, suck my b@lls.
Comment by Robert in Ohio | 01.27.2010 | 3:15 am
I love you Eldon, on so many levels,… you are a great human being. Really, really great. Smile,…I believe God is smiling on you too.
Comment by Shiny Flu | 01.27.2010 | 3:20 am
In all honesty it did run around in the back of my head that everything was moving pretty fast. But it was curiosity rather than judging you.
I think that anyone that wants to judge you doesn’t deserve your time. Even if they’ve gone through something similar. We’re all a little different and deal with things in a unique way.
I just think that if what you’re doing is making you and your family happy; keep on doing it.
Comment by Chrisje Belgium | 01.27.2010 | 3:34 am
Just be happy, you deserve it!
A big hug from Belgium (land of Johan Bruyneel)
Comment by Mary Eileen | 01.27.2010 | 4:09 am
Fatty you absolutely, absolutely have the right to be happy. None of us have ever been in your position and really can’t (and shouldn’t) judge…I know I don’t. I am so happy you have found joy, and as well that you have found someone with whom you can share joy. Not having ever known or met you, I can still say that anyone who truly respects you and cares for you will be nothing but happy, relieved, and excited for you to find a little sunshine on your path and walk in it.
Comment by Flavio | 01.27.2010 | 4:27 am
Eldon, first of all that is the price you pay when you have made your life public, and the internet is a great place for people to be rude to each other.
I have not experience what you have with your wife illness and what it entailed, taking care of her and your children. What I know of is the pain of a marriage ending after 17 years and not allowing myself to be happy after that. Even after meeting a person that had everything for me be happy with. You must above all not forget your kids in this process, From what I have read I think you are not in danger of doing that. Keep on living and watch out for the other person too.
Comment by Alison | 01.27.2010 | 5:29 am
As one whose child had a terminal illness and whose mother died suddenly when I was only 7…
Don’t waste a second. Let life flow through you and fill you up till you are brimming with energy and joy.
Comment by OziRider | 01.27.2010 | 5:32 am
Ditto X 1000 to what everyone else has posted. Of course its not too soon, its been 3 years since you have been in a romatic relationship. Grab life by the scruff Fat Man (MQ), you only get one shot. Oh, and after 5 years of reading, no need to justify yourself to me, you’re all good.
OziRider
Comment by Penzance Steve | 01.27.2010 | 6:12 am
Good post Fatty, a very dignified, eloquent response to the nay-sayers, doubters and just plain waverers. Everyone is entitled to happiness. Looking forward to loads more posts full of observations on life, cycling and the absurdity of the human condition – it’s what you’re so good at!
Comment by Mike Roadie | 01.27.2010 | 6:13 am
I know that you won’t read this because it is a day late and comment #310, but thanks for writing this. It was an excellent outpouring of your pent-up feelings and very clear!
I am happy for you!
Comment by Susan | 01.27.2010 | 6:31 am
Hey, you’re human and no one said things would be easy. No one can judge you. Thank you for sharing your life with your readers.
Comment by Zlatko | 01.27.2010 | 6:37 am
What do you care what other people think? Try reading Alain De Botton – Status anxiety – he explains it much longer then you:))
Comment by Heather | 01.27.2010 | 6:57 am
Elden,
I have noticed a difference in tone in your writings lately, and justly so, as you have noted. I’ve been reading your blog for years now and have also gone back through all the archives. I doubt this will come out as I intend it but here goes:
1. Folks that haven’t read your blog archives (i.e. when you lived in Washington) aren’t that familiar with this tone in your blog. They’re used to little dashes of humor and wit mixed with struggles and fundraising.
2. I can’t find a polite way (and you already did) to address people that would accuse you of disrespect, etc. to Susan. I will say that Nigella Lawson lost her husband to throat cancer while trying to raise two very young children. She married a family friend after her husband died and there was some controversy there and she made some insightful comments about the situation from her perspective. I wish I could remember where I saw this but I doubt it will be too hard to find. (Her first husband was a reporter who did a series about his experiences with cancer that may be helpful for folks out in the trenches).
3. For what it’s worth, I think you’re continuing to help fight cancer by living and enjoying your life. I’m sure many spouses/caregivers have been inspired by your actions.
If at all possible, I’d sure like to know how your children and the rest of your family are doing–but I completely understand if they need privacy right now.
Best wishes from Pittsburgh!
Comment by Stevein Lenox | 01.27.2010 | 7:03 am
You never compromised when times were tough, don’t you dare start when things take a turn for the better.Enjoy what life has given you (escpecially those wonderful children) and make the very best of it while you can. We all love ya man!
Comment by CK | 01.27.2010 | 7:15 am
Well Done Fatty,
When it comes right down to it we are all an accumulation of our life experiences. This means you changed when you got married, you changed when your children were born and after this past summer you’ve changed again. It happens and most times it happens the way that its supposed to.
Looking forward to reading about future adventures.
Thanks
Comment by Jeff MacDonald | 01.27.2010 | 7:24 am
Fatty, You are the most “real” person on the internet.
Its obvious that you will love Susan for ever, Love your kids, Love the runner and Hate Cancer. What anyone else thinks is their own battle and one you don’t have to worry about.
I admire your strength and am glad to know of your blog!
Comment by Jennifer | 01.27.2010 | 7:39 am
Life is for the living.
You gave Susan your all. I’ve seen cancer take several people, and Susan’s was the absolute worst case I’ve heard about. I was afraid what would happen next.
You devoted your time to her. Now it is your time.
The naysayers keep saying ‘naaay’ and sound like asses.
Comment by Golgi | 01.27.2010 | 7:54 am
Have followed your blog for over a year now, and went back and read most of it from its beginning. Have even commented a few times. I just skimmed the 300+ comments on here and one really stood out: the person who said that they didn’t come here to read about the “happy” and the life stuff, and that, essentially, you’d strayed from the purpose of your blog (love of bikes, cycling, etc) and resorted to writing drivel. Well, that’s my interpretation of the comment, and I disagree with it in a HUGE way.
The purpose in life, aside from living and loving it as much as possible, is to grow, change, mature, learn from experiences. Living in arrested development is worthless and just not fun. And expecting others to do the same for the sake your own selfishness — of keeping things “like they always have been” or “like they started off”– is just asinine. I have friends who expect things not to change and get upset when a course is altered. They spend time dwelling and can’t handle even the most minute amount of change. And that’s just not any way to live. Embrace change, roll with it, move on.
You are a shining example of learning from experiences and growing, and I applaud you for having the balls to share that with readers when you really didn’t have to. Through laughter, tears, and pictures of guys in shorts they probably shouldn’t be wearing, I keep coming back here not only for entertainment and out of love, but also because your blog (and most of those who comment here) affirms my own appreciation for life.
Thank you for being you: the kind of human being that others should strive to be.
Comment by Ari | 01.27.2010 | 7:56 am
Very well stated post. You deserve to be happy after all you have been through. You most certainly should not have to “justify” your happiness to random strangers such as us. My best to you and your family!
Ari
Comment by Brent | 01.27.2010 | 8:07 am
Change is not a bad thing. I don’t know why people fear change.
Comment by hombre | 01.27.2010 | 8:08 am
Dear Fatty,
I am one of the guys who being middle aged and a cycling fanatic started reading your blog because, well, because the name of the blog captured virtually everything a middle aged cyclist would wish for–someone funnier, wittier writing about the challenges and joys and insanity of cycling, worrying about weight like a 15 year old girl, eating like a horse etc etc etc.
Then something happened. My secret obsession with your blog and the occasional dropping a few of your bon mots on my son (a competitive cyclist) and wife (a tolerant and saint like creature who has allowed our house to be filled with now at least three bikes per person) shifted when I announced to the family–(I know this sounds weird but I think you may have heard this before) that I had just read that Fatty’s wife had cancer. It was like hearing a not super close friend but a perhaps riding buddy who you actually never see but on rides but that you spend lots of time with wife had cancer. And I was sad.
THen my son and wife said, ooh, that sucks.
THen they started reading your blog.
THen later, much later after periodically checking in on the blog, there were mornings when checking email I would call from my office to my wife sobbing after reading one of you blogs only to find out SHE had been reading and was choked up as well.
Then we checked every day as things came closer to the end, and I think that the combination of your starting off as a goofy funny blogger to a moving gifted auteur and more importantly a devoted husband and father, and chronicling the transformation in you, Susan and the kids touched and moved everyone.
Thanks you now for updating all of us on the recent issues.
I couldnt actually take reading the blog following Susan’s death except to just check in every now and then, because we had a cancer scare with my wife and it just freaked me out too much.
But then when you did the Livestrong award stuff I of course checked in and I think gave money a few times, I cant recall how many…because I had started back riding my bike after Lance won his first TdF and then I read The book and went down before he was a total rock star and raised a bunch (by the standards back then) for LAF and did the hundred mile rides for the Ride for the ROses etc etc.
But I did have the reaction of wow that is waaaay too fast when the runner showed up. And then of course, WOW, she is really hot–and like go for it fatty, was the other response!!! you deserve it.
But, honestly, being a medical/mental health type I KNEW what you have just written must be true, but it helped soooo much for you to write it.
THis is weird isnt it? It actually mattered to me, whom you do no know and we will likely never meet.
Final thought, feel free to email me if any questions about the kids come up since I am a specialist in stuff like this. Just a free offer. Kids time frames and responses to grief are very different from ours.
Keep up the writing.
Enjoy your break.
Even his Lanceness wrote about how some people who survive just close the door and never look back and thats OK too.
Enjoy the running.
I like the defiant response about your running and triathlon stuff.
Very best to you and the family
Comment by Kalli@fitandfortysomething | 01.27.2010 | 8:10 am
Thank you for being so honest. You have gone through a very tough few years. You deserve to be happy!
Comment by wvcycling | 01.27.2010 | 8:13 am
Fatty, From someone who has not gone through this kind of experience, it does seem like things are moving fast for you. They only see what is on your blog. That is why posts like this are important. They don’t know how you feel 24/7, nor how deep or stressing/”INSERT EMOTION HERE” life is at some times.
When one of my loved ones died, like you stated… the greiving process started much before. I felt I had lost them much before they passed. There was a different kind of emotional void or disconnect, but the term “WAITING TO EXHALE” finally happened. I knew they were no longer suffering, and that eased my sadness and suffering. This void often… VERY OFTEN… needs to be filled.
It is just human nature to want to care for someone else, and after loving and tending to your spouse/family member, there is a void in your life. Case study this a thousand times. It happens way more than people think. When things go fast, the person is either a healthy human being with problems that need to be worked out, and they are working out well, or there are the ones that fill the void with dangerous coping methods.
Fatty- you are a (mentally) healthy human being capable of communicating these things. I’m proud of ‘ya.
Comment by Margaret | 01.27.2010 | 8:13 am
The nay sayers have never watched a loved one suffer. I’m glad you have found someone and as long as you and your family are happy, enjoy!
Comment by Readie | 01.27.2010 | 8:38 am
OK, OK, I admit it. When you first posted about The Runner, the thought “isn’t that a little soon?” did run through my mind. Then about a milisecond later, the thought “who the hell are you to judge?” arrived. I can’t possibly imagine what you have been through, Fatty, nor imagine how you’ve summoned up the strength to get through it all. You deserve happiness, and I’m really glad you’ve found it.
I’m also really glad you wrote this beautiful post. But I feel bad that you had to. I guess that’s one of the perils of putting yourself out there – we start to feel like we know you, and that we have the right to make judgements. We don’t.
I hope you’ll continue to be happy.
Comment by Readie | 01.27.2010 | 8:39 am
PS. If that really was Popo commenting a while back, then I love him even more than I did before. Which was, for the record, quite a bit.
Comment by Paul H | 01.27.2010 | 8:45 am
Ditto what Hombre said (without the offer of consultaion, I’m not a therapist)
I’ve been a longtime reader, and as good as the past writing has been (even through the really tough spots) I think the best is yet to come.
To all the naysayers…you have to go back to the very first post and read it, then read all the comments, working your way to the present.
If you’re still a naysayer…start over and read UNTIL YOU GET IT!!!
Onward!
Comment by David | 01.27.2010 | 8:47 am
Fatty,
You’ve been through the ringer and beyond over the last few years – I hope your happy for the rest of your life!
David
Comment by Melissa | 01.27.2010 | 9:01 am
No one really knows what/how you feel until they walk in your shoes. There are so many that don’t have a loved one by their side to fight. You have every right at happiness – you deserve it! If they don’t like it- screw ‘em – they don’t have to read!
I commend you on the marathon – GOOD LUCK. I’m only brave enough for a 1/2! Good luck also to the runner on her Ironman – she’s a toughie, don’t make her mad, she may hurt you!
Comment by SaraSpin | 01.27.2010 | 9:05 am
You deserve happiness in your life. You deserve to love again. There is nothing wrong with that. Go and live your life Elden. Enjoy the blessings that have come your way. Honor Susan by LIVING.
Comment by Susan | 01.27.2010 | 9:10 am
Waht most peole don’t understand is that no two peole share the same journey in grief.
I am also a member of the club no one ever wants to join-that of the young widow.
My husband died suddenly, of a massive heart attack, at the ripe old age of 42. We were that ridiculously, nauseatingly happy couple with two kids, the house, the dogs…plans. Goals. Dreams.
In April it will be three years since my Daz passed away. ( He was an Aussie, and yes he was just as cool as his nickname lol). I started dating again just last year. I have not found anyone special yet, but I do have hope :)
Grieveing is a process. Yours obviously started many years before your wife died. Mine was like grief bootcamp-quite intensive and almost all at once.
As the spouses left behind, we ARE forever changed-one could never go through that fire of the death of a soul mate and not be forged in a differnt way.
We are NOT, however, forever broken!
Look at it this way-you get to be the “Happily Ever After” for TWO people in your lifetime.
While that may not have been your original plan, it is a distinct reality. I would never have chosen this path either, but when I think of it in those terms, I am comforted in a very small but deliberate way.
Wishing you peace in your heart, Fatty, as you continue YOUR way of grieving and honoring your late wife’s memory. You are doing eveything in a very cool way-and those who think otherwise, well I hope they never get to really understand it firsthand…
Comment by Jaime O. | 01.27.2010 | 9:13 am
It’s probably more difficult for people to adjust to the changes in your life who view them from a distance than for those who get to know you in “real life” and to see the gradual blossoming of love/hope. They can look at the kids and know that they are ok with Dad/home/mom/change/new relationships. I guess I found myself reacting more from a woman watching a man grieve than Jaime watching Fatty grieve, and figured you’d make the right decisions for your children and yourself and her and her children and it was none of my concern what made you/your family happy. I thought the true sign that you’d lost your mind would not be if you fell in love “soon” (how ever one defines that), but rather if you started killing people, robbing banks, drinking copious amounts of alcohol, getting covered in body art, shaving the twins’ heads and/or wearing a toupee. Is it jarring for readers and fans? Of course it is. Does it matter if it is jarring for us? Of course it doesn’t. The introduction of the Runner to us made me think a lot, I just didn’t tell you I was thinking or what my thoughts were. You and Jodi have both had to make decisions in the past year no one wants to have to make and have had the courage to discuss those decisions. So…in short (ha!) you’ll lose a few readers. People will judge. It would happen if you’d decided to stop living after Susan died, too. I find that making out with my man really helps me forget negativity. I encourage others to employ the same forgetting method in their own lives with their own loves. lollll
Comment by Kerri | 01.27.2010 | 9:14 am
I don’t think you need to apologize for anything, Fatty. I’ve been a reader of your blog for several years now, and I saw all that you went through with Susan. I went through a similar experience with my dog recently. He had been in declining health for more than a year, so his passing was not a surprise. I found myself, a week after his death, saying to myself, “why aren’t you crying about him anymore? It’s only been a week!” Then I realized I had been grieving him for more than a year before his death, so in a sense, my grief period was over.
I am glad you have found happiness with The Runner and am sure Susan is looking down on you two and smiling.
Comment by lkb3 | 01.27.2010 | 9:14 am
This was an amazing account of the grieving process. Blessings to you as you & the Runner go forward with your relationship & honoring Susan’s memory.
Comment by Laura | 01.27.2010 | 9:17 am
Fatty,
Beautiful post. I read your blog because your writing reminds me of what it is to be a good human: to live life through its joys and sorrows with humor, grace, love, and hope.
I also read your blog because you write about great rides, go on about bikes, write nonsense posts on the great importance of small things, create random challenges for you and your friends, indulge in a bit of nose tweaking of professional cyclists, and engage in the battle against cancer.
Thank you for writing this post. Your experience as a caregiver, and sharing this experience and your feelings, is a humbling insight to anyone that takes the time to read and reflect. I wish you and your family the best.
cheers,
Laura
Comment by Tina Z | 01.27.2010 | 9:22 am
Thanks for sharing all of this with us. Do your kids understand how you feel about the first question, being happy? Make sure they do! They might not feel the same way as you about someone new, try to be patient with that and give them opportunities to express their potentially negative feelings about it.
Comment by Deac uk | 01.27.2010 | 9:23 am
You sound OK to me but I’m not sure about this running!
Comment by justin | 01.27.2010 | 9:29 am
Fatty,
I’ve read your blog going back a couple years and Sam, a mutual friend, has filled me in with details now and again. You deserve nothing less than to be happy.
My dad remarried 11 months after my mom’s sudden death and many felt this was way too soon. After thinking really hard about this I realized that he had a great marriage–to his best friend–for 27 years. That committed relationship was a truly positive thing for him and it made sense for him to seek it out again.
I wish the best for you; ne’rmind the naysayers.
Comment by jobob | 01.27.2010 | 9:37 am
What’s the opposite of a naysayer? A yaysayer, I would guess.
Add me to your huge list of YAYsayers.
All the best, – Jo.
Comment by RL Julia | 01.27.2010 | 9:44 am
Seriously, have you ever had a more long-winded explanation of why someone has the right to be happy?
Yeah – but only in my head.
Comment by Cyclin' Missy | 01.27.2010 | 9:54 am
I’m really glad that you’re happy, Fatty! You’re right – you spent a long time saying good-bye to Susan. You haven’t neglected her memory. You’re just ready to move on. That doesn’t make you a jerk. I think it’s safe to say that it’s the healthy thing to do at this point in your process.
All the best to you!
Comment by Linteater | 01.27.2010 | 10:02 am
I’m glad you’re happy. I’ve had several people in my life die of long, drawn out terminal illness (Now that I think of it…maybe I’m giving off bad health waves or something) and you’re right, the actual death is just a formality to a long grieving process that began with the day they told you your loved one was dying. At the risk of making it too simplistic, it’s closing the cover of a tragic book you’ve just finished living. You’ve been mourning the whole time you’ve been living it; why not pick up a happy book for the next round?
Comment by dieselmike | 01.27.2010 | 10:04 am
I am happy you are happy. You deserve it. Anyone who has been thru what you have does.
Comment by Slowtrain | 01.27.2010 | 10:05 am
I also lost my wife to cancer at a young age and was lucky enough to eventually find love again. Although you needn’t have provided an explanation for your feelings, thanks so much for articulating your experience so beautifully. Bravo, Fatty, Bravo!
Comment by Robin B. | 01.27.2010 | 10:06 am
Fatty,
See all of the above posts…I think you’re
GOOD! :) live the happiness you deserve, no
one can fault you for your honesty!!!
I am in your “special club” (losing a spouse young
to cancer) trust me I get it!
About to go for “round two” as caregiver— this time
for my sisters terminal breast cancer, she’s 49 (husband
died of skin cancer, he was 48) it doesn’t scare me, although
we know how horrific this disease can be!. The part you said about
finding the strength to give—guess I have a knack for it but
I really believe it is a honor and a blessing to be able to
help our loved ones in their greatest time of need!!!
Take care Fatty and Cherish your kids and The Runner as you
Cherished your wife! You Rock! :)
PS Movin from Cali to Colorado for this mission so wish me luck cause
I will be going from riding my beloved PCH to ALTITUDE 6300ft—
Dude I am a “Fat Cyclist” so this will be an adventure, no? ;)
really
believe it is an honor and a blessing to love
Comment by @jonofTeamWill | 01.27.2010 | 10:25 am
Fatty… everyone’s grief journey is different. If someone hasn’t been close to a loved one dying of cancer, then they won’t understand the “long goodbye” experience. Maybe not worrying about others perceptions of your journey will help you navigate the joys and sorrows of this journey with greater clarity and connection with the thoughts and emotions involved…
Sometimes you have to duck back in the trench, take a deep breath and reload while your friends take over the firing position. We have cancer in our sights and trigger engaged. We’ve got you covered!!!
Comment by drKim | 01.27.2010 | 10:32 am
You deserve to be happy. Bottom line. Things happen. People judge. You went through a very very very difficult time. You deserve happiness in its most pure and wonderful form. Enjoy your friends, your family, your relationships, new and old. I know Susan would want you to be happy.
Please ignore the few naysayers on this blog who are trying to give you grief for being happy. It is NOT fair to you. Only you have walked in your shoes.
Best of luck to you, and yours.
Comment by azcyclist | 01.27.2010 | 10:44 am
I feel like I’m joining the comment cavalcade in the 4th quarter. Oh Well!
E, who gives a flyin’ fish fart what the naysayers think? We are readers of your blog, not your therapists! None of us are qualified to comment on what is right, or wrong, for you. Enjoy and be happy!
Comment by Neel | 01.27.2010 | 10:56 am
Staying with the cowboy this week where it is sunnier (?) and warmer…too much rain and snow in NorCal…he encouraged me to read your post…That was a great way to see the sunrise this morning…gave me a lift/hope/all of that.
Comment by monkeywebb | 01.27.2010 | 10:57 am
Yes, but it wasn’t as clear. Nor as honest. Nor as justified. Nor as welcome.
Comment by Fexy01 | 01.27.2010 | 11:05 am
@ Sticking My Neck Out: According to what or whom? Get over yourself.
And didn’t come here to read about “happy stuff”? Well don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out… And I’m sure Fatty will cheerfully refund your your subscription fees. Hell, I’d LOVE it if he’d let me deliver them to you in person. It would be my pleasure.
Comment by sharon | 01.27.2010 | 11:20 am
Be happy! You don’t have to justify that to anyone! I like the changes because you deserve to be happy. It’s lovely to read your blog and laugh at your wittiness. I hope you do an Ironman :)
Comment by HWoodley | 01.27.2010 | 11:30 am
Enjoy your happiness Fatty. Susan didn’t seem the type who would want you to miserable for misery’s sake.
Comment by Kevin King | 01.27.2010 | 11:39 am
Beautifully said Fatty. Count me as someone who was jarred by your announcement concerning the runner, who’s initial reaction was to count months. Thank you for this post, and for not giving a flip what people like me who neither know you nor have any idea what your life has been like think. Go forth and be far from OK.
Comment by BurkeInTheOzarks | 01.27.2010 | 11:41 am
I’m sure you don’t read this far down the comments but, being in a situation eerily similar to yours, I felt the need to comment just the same.
My wife died in August at age 41 after a four year battle with breast cancer, leaving me with two young children. While I haven’t found anyone else yet, I am certainly open to the idea. My grief has lasted a long time and so has yours.
I’m really happy for you, albeit a little jealous as well!
Comment by Kari | 01.27.2010 | 11:45 am
cancer….the long good-bye.
unless you have lived it, you can’t understand how ready you are for someone to leave the earthly life and all the CRAP that comes with the ugliness of cancer.
Comment by John | 01.27.2010 | 11:54 am
Some people wait their entire lives to be happy. You’ve gotten to find that twice. They’re just jealous. While I haven’t been reading the whole FIVE years, I have been reading THREE and lest I inflate your ego anymore, I’ll say this: You are one of the most amazing, courageous, inspirational people I’ve ever had the pleasure of not meeting (Hope to change that someday). You deserve everything you have and more. I wish you all the best! Kudos to you! Block the IP address of the haters, there’s already too much negativity in the world!
Comment by Kathy McElhaney | 01.27.2010 | 12:05 pm
My Mom battled breast cancer for 8 years. In the middle of that battle, we buried my 31 year old brother. I learned after his death that I needed to be ready to say goodbye again and spent many days and tears grieving Mom before she was gone. Mom and Dad celebrated their 40th anniversary one week before she passed. It’s taken Dad a lot longer, but he (at age 71) is happily dating and we kids are happy for him.
I just finished Tony Dungy’s book “Quiet Strength.” He writes about the suicide of his son, James: “People ask if I went through a typical grief cycle… First, there is no typical grief cycle…” I couldn’t agree more.
Comment by Ryan | 01.27.2010 | 12:09 pm
Well said, Fatty. Well said. What I say now, I say from your daughters point of view:
I lost my mother and sister to cancer. My sister at 11, and my mother a few years ago when I was 27. Even in my late twenties, I was struck by the speed with which my father started dating and is now engaged to another woman.
He gave the same reasoning, that the grieving process had begun a long time before my mother actually died (she followed a similar path to Susan). Which makes sense. I can’t fault him for that.
What I did fault him for was that he had forgotten to care for and be available to support the grieving process of his remaining children. We lost our only mother that day. It’s different. Wives are one very personal type of relationship, but Mothers are on an entirely different plane.
My only request (wow, talk about presumptuous) would be that you put your daughters feelings first. Being in love is a very selfish thing, it’s about you. It’s about you, focusing your time and attention away from your kids.
If they’re ready for that, then I wish you all the happiness in world, you deserve it. But, if they’re not (and they may not say they aren’t), then you owe it to them to put your happiness second for a while longer.
Or, it could just be that my Dad’s a douche.
Comment by matthew | 01.27.2010 | 12:09 pm
I only know you through what I’ve read on your blog. But I think I can speak for most of your readers when I say, when you were hurting, we hurt with you. Now that you are experiencing joy more fully, we rejoice with you.
Either way, I learn about life from what you write (usually about how much I should take things less seriously). And that is good.
If anyone tries to “take you down a notch” for being happy, I would guess it’s probably because they don’t know much about really living.
Comment by Jessie | 01.27.2010 | 12:11 pm
Wonderful written ANYONE who has gone through it know the grieving process starts at diagnosis not death.(and those who have not should be greatful) Rock on with your happiness and enjoy every minute of it!
Comment by Bo | 01.27.2010 | 12:21 pm
Again, you are always honest and forthright. Something all of us who follow your blog appreciate, not to mention all the laughing out loud we do on a daily basis when reading.
I am happy for you and I’m sure Susan is as well. I think we all are happy for you and The Runner for finding the relationship you now have. While you didn’t need to explain yourself, you, as always, go above and beyond in that explanation. Well done. I guess the only thing not really mentioned in your happiness is your kids. I know you love them more than life itself, I just worry about their ‘grieving’ and ability to adjust to your new life. I’m not throwing rocks, I just know how my kids would have a tough time of it for a while. As a family unit we all want happiness, it’s just their level of comprehension and maturity is not what mine is(most days) and I have to be cognizant of that and adjust. I do hope your children are doing well and are making their way in adjusting to the new life you all are making.
All the best to you all.
Comment by centurion | 01.27.2010 | 1:02 pm
Yeah Dude, you’re Ok.
Comment by bikecopVT | 01.27.2010 | 1:14 pm
I haven’t posted in a while but fealt the need to on this one. You have every right to be happy. To tell someone they have changed is to tell them they are alive. I don’t know a single person who does not change as they experience their lives. You are still the same person just with new experiences. I for one am glad I stumbled across this blog a couple years ago. I think I am a better person for having known and having the privilage of spending a little time with you. Live your life and try not to worry about what a few people think.
Comment by Purduerose | 01.27.2010 | 1:17 pm
You deserve all the happiness you can get! Show your children that they can love/miss their mother and still be happy. You are a great example for them and the rest of us.
Comment by Patricia | 01.27.2010 | 2:29 pm
You will never forget your beloved wife. She would want, very much, for you to be happy, and to continue your life so your children will see a happy, life loving father. There is nothing wrong with that. Don’t feel guilty about it. Enjoy life, and everything it has to offer you and your children.
Comment by Therese | 01.27.2010 | 2:47 pm
I just wanted to say that I’m glad you’re happy!
Comment by Les | 01.27.2010 | 3:11 pm
Man o’ man this post was hard to read. Hard to read in the way it’s hard to see someone you respect and/or care about (even if you’ve never meet them) have their person or character questioned.
I have always wondered how anybody could pass judgment on how another person grieves. You should be happy. You deserve to be happy and you’ve made countless other people happy.
As far as the fight, don’t sell yourself short! I have told gazillions of people about the Team Radio Shack adventure. You’ve created a tribe of people to fight even when you need a well earned break. Not a lot of people can do that!
Comment by Asthmagirl | 01.27.2010 | 3:12 pm
Going through the battle with Susan would change anyone. If you’re happy, I’m happy. The battle with cancer will be there when you’re ready.
Enjoy!
Comment by Clydesteve | 01.27.2010 | 3:30 pm
OK, man.
Comment by Star | 01.27.2010 | 4:14 pm
The grieving process is different for everyone. I really learned that when I lost my Dad to cancer in Aug 08. As one of his 10 kids, you could see the difference just between us.
But in the end Dad just wanted us to be happy, as I’m sure Susan wanted you to be.
Comment by BionicCyclist | 01.27.2010 | 4:53 pm
Long time reader first time poster here.
I`ve always been of the opinion that being happy or not is a matter of what you choose to be. It is of course not quite that simple, but if you at least make the right choice from those two options, you`re off to a good start. Your friends and family obviously want you to be happy, as do your fans, readers or whatever you and we call us. Never feel bad about being happy.
Comment by BonzoGal | 01.27.2010 | 5:36 pm
@ “Sticking My Neck Out” – you write:
“That is a little weird for me. There are lines that are not crossed. For me, it was strange that you brought this personal relationship to the blog.”
Weird for YOU? For YOU it was strange? Get over yourself- you met the man ONCE – this isn’t YOUR blog and Eldon’s life isn’t YOUR life. This blog isn’t a movie or TV show with a plot and rules- it’s a man’s life.
You and your small-hearted pronouncements can take a long ride off a short pier.
Comment by Helena | 01.27.2010 | 6:05 pm
Thanks, Fatty, I needed that post. I wasn’t ready to move on yet, and now I can. I’m a little jealous, though. I was hoping to meet you before you were snatched up by someone. Darnitall.
Comment by Jilian | 01.27.2010 | 6:11 pm
Well spoken.
The answer to your first question makes a heck of a lot of sense and helps me understand what my step-father-in-law expereinced a couple years ago. I’m going to have my husband read it. Thx.
Comment by NSC | 01.27.2010 | 6:39 pm
I actually took the time to vote for you today because of this post. Your candor is impressive.
Comment by Lizzy | 01.27.2010 | 7:17 pm
Have no guilt at enjoying life, Fatty. I know this sounds ridiculous coming from someone who lives on the other side of the country, but… I’m proud of you.
(and keep running… we Fatty runners need to add to our ranks)
Comment by Tony | 01.27.2010 | 7:56 pm
Very impressive post Fatty. Unless they’ve been there (I haven’t, and hope never to), nobody could remotely understand your journey. Most of us wouldn’t have the guts to put it all out there as you have. I, for one, thank you for that.
Comment by S_H | 01.27.2010 | 9:19 pm
Fatty,
The bummer here is that you felt you had to explain yourself. Screw the haters or jealous. Live your life, bro. Do your thing.
Comment by Lori Scheel | 01.27.2010 | 9:22 pm
Those of us who have walked in your shoes never questioned “happy.” I am glad that you had the courage to address those fortunate enough to never have walked that road.
My response is a little late…I have been preoccupied with the Pioneer Woman’s recipes. Since I voted for her (at your request), I thought it best I check her out. My family has never been so delighted and grateful! YUM!
Comment by kentucky joe | 01.27.2010 | 9:42 pm
Life is just so short, I really like this quote from Albert Einstein,
“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow”.
Comment by Jennifer | 01.27.2010 | 10:37 pm
I’m right there with you on the grieving *during* the cancer, and it *ending* when the fight ends.
My mom and I both felt the relief when it was over for my dad. We both moved into new phases of our lives. She started dating a man she’d known for 35 years a couple months later. It was and is a wonderful relationship for both of them after nearly 10 years now.
It is absolutely ok to be so happy so quickly.
Just don’t spread yourself too thin with projects, and don’t worry that you need to blog for us a zillion times a week!
Be happy, not harried…eh? Though I certainly wouldn’t mind reading your blog a zillion times a week!
Comment by Pinkbike | 01.27.2010 | 11:24 pm
You be happy, Fatty. Take a break from everything and get yourself centered. Even if you never do any cancer-related events again, you’ve still done more than 99% of the people in the world to help with the fight. You’ve been to hell and back, and now it’s your time to focus on you: pick up the pieces, and look forward. Because there’s a whole life to be lived, and that’s what you need to do now. As Maude (in Harold and Maude) said, “Live! Live! Live! Give me an L! GIve me an I! Give me a V! Give me an E!” Go for it, Fatty. And see you in California at the Tour!!
Comment by Heather | 01.27.2010 | 11:31 pm
It’s YOUR time, buddy. Soak up all the happiness you can. You’re an angel and you deserve every bit of it.
Comment by Mtbnomore | 01.28.2010 | 12:21 am
How are you changing?
You talk about running now.
That’s how.
In fact, I’m thinking this will be a great segue into a ‘cross career. Think of the readers, Fatty. Think of the readers.
Comment by Arno from Dubai | 01.28.2010 | 12:26 am
Hey fatty
I have never met you or Susan in person, but from what you have written about her I can safely say she was a woman with character and cared about you deeply. Why would she not want you to be happy now that she is not with you in body? You know her better than anybody, so ask yourself this: If she could speak to you now, would she admit that she’s happy that you are happy? I am no expert but I would like to think that she would be.
Comment by vito | 01.28.2010 | 5:47 am
There is no explanation needed Fatty. Enjoy your life to the fullest. Smile, laugh, dance, tell funny jokes, or just run naked through the woods…You deserve it.
To hell with all the negative people whoever they are.
Comment by Kat | 01.28.2010 | 7:51 am
Everyone. EVERYONE. Deserves to be happy. I am so happy that you are :)
Comment by Jessica | 01.28.2010 | 8:33 am
No one has a right to judge you or anyone else. I believe that no one knows what they would do in a situation until they are actually in that situation. I think sometimes we think we will do one thing, but that can change.
I hope the kids are doing well. I can’t image going through what they have.
Comment by Doug | 01.28.2010 | 8:37 am
Elden:
No one can judge you competently, but the ones who know you, and evene then maybe not them. IDrawing away from things that remind you of too recent painful events is natural.
You late wife would want you to be happy. I hope your children are doing well and adapting. Ypu are showing them that life goes on and that it is ok to be happy again.
Oh, and raising 65+ K for Livestrong counts as doing SOMETHING to fight cancer. Besides which you did it in a way that ties good memories ( riding with the Shack, meeting Johann and Lance, getting a free bike) to the fight as opposed to the bad memories of why cancer sucks.
Thanks for the inspiration (This is my first post).
Doug
Comment by Becky | 01.28.2010 | 9:22 am
Elden, when I found out that you and the Runner were an item, I was ridiculously happy for you.
Comment by pedalgeek | 01.28.2010 | 9:49 am
Fatty…What can I say that hasn’t already been said. We have little to no control over the speed at which life events happen…positive or negative. We can lament or we can accept them for what they are…we only have a short time on this planet so we should squeeze every bit of happiness out of it. I support you and your happiness.
Comment by neonmouse | 01.28.2010 | 10:27 am
I’m happy for you! Try not to worry about what others think… I don’t think you will ever be truly happy if you do.
Comment by Peanut | 01.28.2010 | 11:50 am
What a beautiful explanation of what you are going through. I saw this same thing happen to my brother. I could tell he had been grieving and saying goodbye for years. He seemed to get back to “normal” so quickly but I knew it was as you described. I told my eternal companion if I were to go before him that he should find someone to share his life with. No one should be alone. You deserve all the happiness this life has to offer. Thanks for a wonderful lesson learned.
Comment by K.S. | 01.28.2010 | 1:02 pm
Wow, GREAT post.
Comment by Hannah Handpainted | 01.28.2010 | 1:08 pm
I’m very happy to hear that you’re happy.
I was heartbroken by how unhappy I know you were during that pain (I guess that’s presumptuous seeing as I don’t know you).
I’ve had my own brand of unhappiness lately. Found out my only daughter has epilepsy and sensory issues. It’s a marathon, not a sprint, and I felt guilty about being UNHAPPY, and now I’m afraid to be happy.
I feel that your post has encouraged me to be comfortable wherever I am on the happiness/misery spectrum.
XOXO
Hannah
Comment by Matt | 01.28.2010 | 1:23 pm
Thank you for answering questions that had been lurking in my head for the past few months. We all appreciate your honesty and openness. It’s what makes reading your blog special.
Comment by eric j | 01.28.2010 | 1:41 pm
end of story
Comment by Kay | 01.28.2010 | 2:02 pm
I started reading your blog recently. Marathon Part I was my first, and I was hooked.
As a cancer survivor who went through it all at 17, I completely identify with people having “issues” with you not being the same person. If I’ve learned anything from cancer, its that you can’t go through all of that and be the same again, ever. Now I’ve just celebrated 10 years as a cancer survivor and I’ll admit, there is a lot to learn about “life after cancer” but I couldn’t be happier with the choices I’ve made.
A lot of people would give up…kudos to you for continuing to live.
Comment by Scott McQ | 01.28.2010 | 2:18 pm
We did the breast cancer thing, but so far we seem to have moved beyond.
While I followed your experience, I questioned if I could provide the support you did. I still do. I won’t know until I have to – which I hope I wont.
When Susan died I could only image the load that must have lifted from your life. How could you honestly react any differently than you did. You served, Susan, gave her so much when she needed it. Now she doesn’t and you and your kids need to life a happy, healthy life.
Live well.
Comment by Jana F | 01.28.2010 | 3:00 pm
Fatty,
I nursed my husband thru 7 months of aggressive lung cancer – and I mean that I did it BY MYSELF. Very little help either from hospice or doctors because we were very isolated along the Mexico Border. By the time he finally died, I was laid bare with grief and exhaustion. Within a week, I had cut my hair and gone to the Albuquerque Ballon Festival where no one knew me or my story. It was the best thing I could have done. I was ready to stop grieving because I had been doing it since the day my darling man went from being my husband to being my patient.
No one who hasn’t been thru it can ever understand.
Thank you for putting it so eloquently.
Oh yeah, I started a relationship with his best friend almost immediately and we have been happily married for 5 years. Good for you for finding your happiness.
Comment by Scott Joy | 01.28.2010 | 3:40 pm
I wish you every happiness. Thanks for all you do.
Comment by Kathleen@ForgingAhead | 01.28.2010 | 3:50 pm
I hear you and it makes tons of sense to me. Thank you for sharing so much of you with us…we love you man!
Comment by Decker | 01.28.2010 | 4:34 pm
Fatty,
I imagine you will not read this post as it number 405 (by my count). Regarding your happiness, I say this:
Do not justify your happiness to anyone!
!! Don’t worry, be happy !!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l9K4BKkLaCI
Comment by Nana J | 01.28.2010 | 6:27 pm
The fact that you are finding happiness in this way is a tribute to your late wife and your wonderful relationship. You and your family deserve this happiness.
It took me a very long time to smile after loosing a very young grandchild to cancer; however, I believe that continuing on is a demonstration that life is worth living and love is worth having. Although Caleb will never be replaced by his younger cousins, I choose to live and love in his honor and memory.
Comment by Marcia D | 01.28.2010 | 7:34 pm
Fatty, Thank you for sharing your journey–all of it. I admit I have a hard time reading your blog because so much of it hits so close to home and I’m doing “okay.” My husband of 32 years was diagnosed with a very rare non-hodgkins lymphoma a year ago and has been hospitalized several times for complications. Over Christmas he was diagnosed with congestive heart failure from the chemo. He is in remission now but I am constantly worried about the next complication, and what piece of him the cancer will take next.
You are an amazing man with much love to give. You deserve to be happy. Susan would want you to be happy.
Didn’t you just raise a whole ton of money for LiveStrong & others? It’s okay to take a break and just be.
Comment by KR | 01.28.2010 | 8:04 pm
Hey Fatty,
First off, only you know when it is the “right time” to do or feel anything. I also want to say Thank You for such an amazing post. It actually really described exactly how I felt the past few months after losing a very close friend to cancer. It summed it up, I also ” began grieving ” long before her leaving this world in a physical sense. I do miss my friend, her smile, her laugh, and the joy that she found in the world. I chose to live life more fully each day instead of grieving her passing.
thanks for sharing your thoughts with all of us.
Comment by The Editor | 01.28.2010 | 8:28 pm
Fatty,
I haven’t been here in months…busy with life here, I guess…but I keep you in my prayers when I rock my babies at night.
I think people who comment should remember that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Why are they compelled to sit and type negative things?
I think there is plenty of love in this world, if you are open to accept it. And you should…you have done an outstanding job in your various roles. You are a wonderful example of a husband, father, friend and man. Keep on keeping on…
By the way, it is fabulous how you establish your opinion with these people–calm, rational, level-headed and just. I don’t know how anybody wouldn’t take your side and agree with what you say…
Comment by Lisa | 01.28.2010 | 10:21 pm
I am happy you are happy. Life is to short to not be happy. I wish you and the Runner and your kids all the best.
Comment by April | 01.28.2010 | 10:50 pm
Thank you for your vulnerable honesty. God bless you.
Comment by anji | 01.29.2010 | 1:03 am
Susan wouldn’t want you to be grieving forever. When you date is between her and you… and I imagine if the roles were reversed, you would want her to do the same thing.
I agree with what you said… you grieved from the day you got the diagnosis, to the day you had her funeral… and it’s okay to move on.
It’d be unhealthy NOT to.
take care and be blessed with all that you do…
Comment by Andrew Friar | 01.29.2010 | 4:45 am
Fatty,
A couple of things;
1. If you read through the preceeding 412 comments I will be well impressed. Or is it that you do not have a 9-5 job? If so even more impressed!
2. short tome reader, and now a dedicated one. So Mutch so you now have atleast one Aussie with a fatcyclist bottle on their bike.
Comment by Andrew Friar | 01.29.2010 | 4:51 am
Fatty,
A couple of things;
1. If you read through the preceeding 412 comments I will be well impressed. Or is it that you do not have a 9-5 job? If so even more impressed!
2. short tome reader, and now a dedicated one. So Mutch so you now have atleast one Aussie with a fatcyclist bottle on their bike.
3. I personally think well done! You put yourself out-their, you are a much braver man the naysayers and inspire many more!
I really hope you appreciate what I am trying to say, as I am struggling to impress upon you the role model you are.
Cheers
Andrew
Thanks Andrew. I read every single comment I get. Somedays I have time to reply to a lot, most days I don’t. But I still am glad for every comment, including the ones that have opposing points of view. – FC
Comment by Joanie | 01.29.2010 | 6:09 am
Wow, just started reading your blog. So sorry for you loss, but you should feel the way you do!! It’s your feelings, don’t feel guilty. I am a RN and completely understand where you are coming from!! The first blog I read of yours was the one introducing us to you girl friend. It was funny… may me smile.
Comment by Alex | 01.29.2010 | 7:32 am
Fatty
You are an inspiration to so many and everyone deals with losing a close family member differently.
There is no wrong or right way tot grieve, it is an intensely personal thing that some just don’t understand.
I turned to booze to cope with the loss of my father, not the best way of dealing with things but it helped a litle bit.
Now I have the love of a good wife (to be)who helped me get over it all and to cope better. I now also cyce to work everyday and have lost nearly two stone to date (there is a fat cyclist in England!).
Chin up, ignore everything you hear from people who just don’t understand what you specifically are going through (that’s everyone else in the whole world) and keep up the good work.
I know you will, what you did with team Radioshack and raising all that money was somply staggering.
Have a good one
Alex G
Comment by FLHokieBiker | 01.29.2010 | 7:48 am
When you write your book about caregivers, I hope (natch, expect) that this post will be included, unedited, in its entirety. You’ve given meaningful words to the thoughts and feelings that so many of us who’ve walked in shoes like yours have had.
I am looking forward to being where you are very soon!
Comment by Jouni | 01.29.2010 | 12:11 pm
You’re still one of my heroes.
Comment by rienzo | 01.29.2010 | 1:44 pm
Fatty, we love you man. We’re proud of you. Live this life everyday and enjoy yourself; you deserve it. Greetings from Johannesburg, South Africa!
Comment by Anonymous | 01.29.2010 | 5:17 pm
No one can understand the darkness – no one can understand the subconscious reasons we push things away – and not one of your readers should have the gall to ask you not to change or ask if you have a right to be happy. I’m glad you explained some things – it helps to see it from another point of view. But if you never had, it was none of my business.
Comment by Kristen | 01.29.2010 | 5:38 pm
Life is about love, you loved your wife and did everything you could for her. You love your children and don’t forget to love yourself too.
You owe it to your family and to you to be happy, no one else. Cancer will always be there, and there will always be people around to help you fight the fight. If you take a break now to find who you are again, then good for you!
And I think it is wonderful that you found someone special. You are opening yourself to love again which is a huge step. Plus, there is nothing better than getting on your bike, looking over and seeing someone you love riding along with you.
Comment by Jen | 01.30.2010 | 12:13 pm
You’re a beautiful person. This is your life; live it as it comes. You owe it to yourself.
Comment by Adam | 01.30.2010 | 4:02 pm
That was simply beautiful to me.
Comment by jon | 01.31.2010 | 1:44 pm
From an outsider’s perspective, I find it hard to separate your “fight against cancer” from you “moving on and finding happiness.” To me, they seem to be naturally related. After having done everything humanly possible to fight the disease physically, isn’t the best attack against such a malevolent force to simply live life as fully as possible? It seems brave and commendable to me.
Comment by Peggy | 01.31.2010 | 8:20 pm
Fatty – God has another angel to help champion the cause to find a cure for this aweful disease.
Ride strong and live happy. You deserve it!
Comment by lyndap | 02.1.2010 | 11:44 am
Despite the tremendous pain you and your family have gone through, life goes on…you need to remember that and so do your children.
Comment by Cindy | 02.2.2010 | 12:29 pm
Hi Fatty,
I’ve never commented on your blog before, but felt impressed to do so today.
Your falling in love and finding happiness so quickly after the death of your wife is actually a testament to her. Did you know that happily married men who lose their wives are more like to find another happy relationship very quickly after the death of the wife then do unhappily married men? Well it’s true. Research shows this and I know what I’m talking about because I’m a psychologist.
I also found your explanation of why you are happy to be incredibly insightful and honest. You do have a right to be happy, particularly after such a protracted good-bye. Revel in this new found love and happiness. You deserve it above no other.
Comment by stirling | 02.2.2010 | 10:29 pm
To each their own. No one could ever understand your own life completely but you. Certainly, the one who loved you most in life, would want you to continue to love life!
Comment by dennis | 02.4.2010 | 9:07 pm
You more than deserve to be happy Fatty since you have made many of us laugh over the years. Oh, and I still wear all my Fat Cyclist jerseys with pride…but never with shants…that would be to hip. LiveStrong brutha!
Comment by Beast Mom | 02.6.2010 | 10:31 pm
I’m glad you’re feeling good again. Life is too short to be unhappy just because other people think you should.
For whatever reason, your post reminds me of your best cake ever post.
Simple pleasures, I suppose. :)
-bm
Comment by Amy | 02.8.2010 | 5:05 pm
Fatty,
I have been coming to read your blog since the day after Susan passed. Unfortunately I never knew your blog existed until that day when one of my coworkers posted on Facebook that Susan had passed.
I am VERY happy that you have found happiness and as my 15 year old son just said “his kids need him happy!” Couldn’t have put it better than myself!!!
You and your beautiful children deserve it! As does The Runner!
Comment by Web | 05.27.2010 | 10:49 pm
Keep moving forward.
Comment by Visit Teton Valley | 01.14.2011 | 2:25 pm
Nice blog, I am going to bookmark it. I look forward to future posts.
Comment by ismartypants | 01.15.2011 | 3:14 pm
Thanks for the info – nice post.
Comment by Angie | 03.8.2011 | 8:58 am
Wow, Elden, you said it well. I am happy you were able to move into happiness in life. I’m glad you didn’t continue to wear the mourner’s attitude long past its time. I am still gradually catching up on reading your blogs, so I don’t know if you and the Runner are still together, but either way, you are moving on in a healthy way. Thank you for letting people into your life and your thought process.