Ode to Chocolate Milk On A Calm Winter Morning

01.27.2010 | 8:59 am

A Word of Explanation from Fatty: As a deep-thinking and high-minded person, I sometimes write an ode to important foods. I have, for example, written an ode to scrambled eggs. And to the Seven Perfect Foods.

But I only write poetry when my heart overflows. When there is a food that truly matters. In the past, I have published only one other ode, in free verse. It was to the clementine.

Today, I shall honor you with poetry again.

It is not for the calcium
That I know for sure
Because I get plenty of calcium
From ordinary milk
And from eating Ben and Jerry’s ice cream
(New York Super Fudge Chunk is my favorite)

Why then, o chocolate milk
Do I love you beyond measure?
Why do I treasure you
Above all other drinks?
I ask rhetorically of course
For I in fact have many reasons

I read somewhere
On a long-forgotten day
That you are an excellent recovery drink
And that, I must confess
Was the reason I began buying you
At least that was my cover story

And it is true!
You are delicious after a ride
Or, as of late, after a run
It matters not whether the day is hot
Or if it is cold
You are delicious and make me feel better

I lift you up
Still in your one-gallon container
And I drink my fill
And my children cannot do anything about it
Because I’m the dad
That’s why

And let us be clear
What I mean by chocolate milk
Which is the pure expression of creaminess
That comes cold in the dairy case
And is not powder that semi-dissolves in plain milk
That stuff is nasty

What makes you so delicious?
What makes you so creamy and good?
What does “From cows not treated with rBST” even mean?
And how is it possible that 1% milkfat
Still seems so thick and wonderful?
You are as mysterious as you are perfect   

O chocolate milk
I feel I have slighted you
For thus far I have treated you as if
You were nothing more than a post-ride drink
But in truth I drink you all the time
And you are incredible when used to make Oreo milkshakes

O chocolate milk
I drink you

PS: After this literary tour de force, I feel I hardly need ask, but I will anyway. Vote for me in the 2010 Bloggies. I’m nominated in the following categories: Best Sports Weblog, Best Writing of a Weblog, and Weblog of the Year. Click here to vote. Or, I swear, I will write more poetry.

201001270727.jpgPPS : My sister Lori — over at LestWeForgiveProject.com — needs your love-and-heartbreak stories for an art project she’s working on. In her words:

I am an artist who Needs to Know. As luck would have it, I have found some nice and seriously hot-looking indie people who also Need to Know at Urban Alchemist, a shop full of handmade stuff in Brooklyn. And so, we need your story of heartbreak and glory. I want to illustrate them, memorialize them on tiny carved pine plaques, hang them by the dozen in the shop window, and witness the undisguised shadenfruede of passersby and schoolchildren.

Is this wrong? Would you willingly participate? Ok, then.

These plaques are tiny, so I issue a challenge to you, the heartbroken and triumphant amongst Fatty’s readers: Keep your heartbreak or triumph down to six words. Hemingway did it in what he considers his best story. You can too? Yes, you can too.

Click here to read more, see more plaques-of-woe and leave your own (very very) short story.


  1. Comment by NYCCarlos | 01.27.2010 | 9:10 am

    hahaha… because I’m the dad, that’s why.

  2. Comment by SuomiTri | 01.27.2010 | 9:14 am

    Where’s the rhyme scheme?

  3. Comment by skippy | 01.27.2010 | 9:24 am

    just come in from a 5hr skitour on skins up over kaltembach! definitely the best training in winter, beats the hell out of spinning and rowing as well as the taxc home trainer.
    crisp, clear, sunny day slogging alone up the piste watching “skiers(skidding,sliding,falling down the piste) ” in their multi coloured outfits intent on surviving their foolishness. totally entertaining and as i brewed the hot chocolate refreshment i turned on the computer!
    lo and behold another who finds chocolate milk refreshing but i will leave you to write whilst i enjoy!
    follow @adventurecorp for Haiti relief ride news and visit Helens cycles with george hincapie this weekend for their contribution!

    skippy’s fan club welcome to join in the sandpit or visit @skippydetour

  4. Comment by Cyclin' Missy | 01.27.2010 | 9:33 am

    You have been voted for – for “writing” and “of the year.” But I had to support Up in Alaska, too, so she got my “sports” vote.

    Good luck, Fatty!

  5. Comment by Yaroslav Popovych | 01.27.2010 | 9:38 am

    In my country, we drink chocolate milk like wine!

  6. Comment by We drink wine like wine | 01.27.2010 | 9:42 am

    I don’t go for this modern poetry without rhyme or meter.

  7. Comment by Mikeonhisbike | 01.27.2010 | 9:43 am

    The guilt free feeling of drinking as much chocolate milk as I want after a ride is sometimes the reason why I ride. Ahhhhhh, the power of Chocolate Milk

  8. Comment by Lori | 01.27.2010 | 9:44 am

    If you can take it down to six words, it’s a plaque.

  9. Comment by DrBryce | 01.27.2010 | 9:47 am

    Ode to Chocolate Milk! Run Fatty, Run!

  10. Comment by Tim | 01.27.2010 | 9:54 am

    It’s times like these that I feel an update to the Hitchhiker’s guide is needed:

    “Vogon poetry is of course, the third worst in the universe. The second worst is that of the Azgoths of Kria. During a recitation by their poet master Grunthos the Flatulent of his poem “Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found in My Armpit One Midsummer Morning” four of his audience died of internal hemorrhaging and the president of the Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council survived only by gnawing one of his own legs off. Grunthos was reported to have been “disappointed” by the poem’s reception, and was about to embark on a reading of his 12-book epic entitled “My Favourite Bathtime Gurgles” when his own major intestine–in a desperate attempt to save humanity–leapt straight up through his neck and throttled his brain. The very worst poetry of all perished along with its creator, [Eden "Fatty" Nelsen], in the destruction of the planet Earth. Vogon poetry is mild by comparison. “

  11. Comment by Jaime O. | 01.27.2010 | 10:04 am

    After that, I’d give my left arm for Borden’s Dutch Chocolate milk right now. Thanks. And if the gods are listening, it’s an EXPRESSION. I’d like to keep both arms. (Fate and the gods gun for me CONSTANTLY)

  12. Comment by Chris Horner | 01.27.2010 | 10:07 am

    Gak! That poem (whilst true in its subject) was about as fun as my annual gut wrenching, bone crunching, pain inducing, season ending, CRASH.

    -Chris (the not currently in a cast…yet) Horner

  13. Comment by mmmm | 01.27.2010 | 10:23 am

    This is just to say

    I have drunk
    the chocolate milk
    that was in
    the icebox

    and which
    you were probably
    for a recovery drink

    Forgive me
    it was delicious
    so sweet
    and so cold

  14. Comment by j2dahizzay | 01.27.2010 | 10:41 am

    MMMM. Big fan. Ode to food chapter in your book for sure. Or you wouldn’t be the “fatty” we have all come to adore.

  15. Comment by The Chocolate Cow | 01.27.2010 | 10:43 am

    There’d be no chocolate milk without me. You don’t call, you don’t write.

    And, when are you writing an open letter to Skippy?

  16. Comment by mark | 01.27.2010 | 10:45 am

    “And how is it possible that 1% milkfat
    Still seems so thick and wonderful?”

    Corn starch, that’s how. I don’t care much for chocolate milk from a carton and prefer the powder because I think the corn starch thickener is nasty.

  17. Comment by Randoboy | 01.27.2010 | 10:57 am

    In early October I wrote an Ode to Wool.


    Of course, now I’m tired of cold weather. Were a flock of moths to descend upon my jerseys now, I would not care. Feast, oh moths, and let wool be damned.

  18. Comment by Fifth Column | 01.27.2010 | 11:00 am

    Man! I can’t believe someone beat me to the “Vogon Poetry” reference!

  19. Comment by m burdge | 01.27.2010 | 11:08 am

    nice. Next time, try out haiku. As a single speeder, isn’t that the only form you ought to ne using? 5/7/5 all the way…
    My sister in law is a personal trainer–a trained personal trainer–and she insists chococlate milk is the perfect sports drink.

  20. Comment by MattC | 01.27.2010 | 11:18 am

    There once was a young man from Nantucket;
    Who drank chocholate milk by the bucket.
    He told all his kin,
    That the milk was too thin,
    And it would come out of his nose when he’d suck it.

  21. Comment by Weaky6 | 01.27.2010 | 11:34 am

    Why can’t I have some also? “Because I’m the dad
    That’s why” LMAO! Just said that to the kids last night after having a glass. @Popo, you make me smile.

  22. Comment by wishiwasmerckx | 01.27.2010 | 11:50 am

    For those of you not in the know, Hemingway’s six-word story:

    “For sale – baby shoes – never worn.”

  23. Comment by kingsbridgedr | 01.27.2010 | 12:16 pm

    Dude! You gotta get out and ride… I think your brain is turning to mush!!

  24. Comment by graisseux | 01.27.2010 | 12:17 pm

    I’m partial to Hershey’s Syrup poured into a glass of milk. Although the BYU Creamery chocolate milk is perhaps the greatest chocolate milk on earth. It tastes like a melted Frosty.

  25. Comment by kiwi | 01.27.2010 | 12:41 pm

    Hmmmmmmmmmmmm Chocolate! Is there anything better?


  26. Comment by Bike Rog | 01.27.2010 | 12:43 pm

    A Haiku for you:

    I voted for you.
    Now stop the awful poems,
    And go ride your bike.

    …and another:

    Chocolate milk? No thanks.
    it’s lactic acidity
    aches in all my joints.

  27. Comment by Fat Cathy | 01.27.2010 | 1:27 pm

    mmmm, chocolate milk, ahhhh….

  28. Comment by Penina | 01.27.2010 | 1:37 pm

    To my teens, a gallon of chocolate milk is officially, “The Milk that Dreams are made of!”

    I go for dark DARK chocolate myself…and while not thick and silky textured, while dieting I concocted this version of chocolate milk:
    1 tbs of Hershey’s Special Dark cocoa powder (only 10 calories, lots of fiber and iron. Feel free to use a great European cocoa.)
    2 packets your choice of sweetener
    HOT water (makes this into a syrup)
    8 oz non-fat milk.

    No, it’s not as good, but it sure as hell makes dieting a whole lot funner!

  29. Comment by Tom in SJ | 01.27.2010 | 1:55 pm

    Since Milk is about as easy on the body as cyanide…this poem is ridiculous. I’m voting for the Bike Snob’s blog again.

    “I’ll never drink anything from another species utters.” Colin Cowheard, ESPN radio yokel with ironic name.

  30. Comment by Nancy P | 01.27.2010 | 2:36 pm

    How great is it that chocolate milk is a recovery drink?!

    The very best chocolate milk comes from well-chilled dispensers in university cafeterias – you know, the ones with the heavy, round, metal dispensing levers?

    I am going to avoid the general discussion about chocolate milk’s poem worthiness, because I am going to avoid discussing whether what you’ve written is a poem. But hey, you can’t beat the heartfelt nature of it.

  31. Comment by Clydesteve | 01.27.2010 | 2:57 pm

    I have read such so-called poetry before – and always regretted it.

    But I never regret the chocolate milk.

    But my lower GI tract sometimes objects.

  32. Comment by fat unicyclist | 01.27.2010 | 4:10 pm

    chocolate milk without milk is better.

  33. Comment by NYCCarlos | 01.27.2010 | 4:14 pm

    Johan Bruyneel’s latest tweet:

    “Please VOTE for @fatcyclist: Sports, Writing, Blog of the Year categories.http://www.bloggies.com – No one is more deserving than Fatty!”

    looks like you made a good impression in AZ Fatty…

  34. Comment by Carrie | 01.27.2010 | 5:29 pm

    Wow can I get the the full ingrediant list for your chocolate milk Oreo milkshake?!

  35. Comment by Jennifer | 01.27.2010 | 5:30 pm

    BST is bovine somatotropin, a growth hormone that causes them to produce more milk per pound of forage. People worry about it because they think the BST/growth hormone will cause their children to grow all wonky, which is a myth since growth hormones are very species specific, meaning BST would only have an effect on a calf. However, the cows end up very skinny on BST so from a animal welfare standpoint it is nice for the cow to not be ramped up on the BST crank.

    More than you wanted to know.

  36. Comment by Nick Rearden | 01.27.2010 | 6:03 pm

    Holy cow that’s Chris Horner commenting. CHRIS HORNER. Didn’t think my opinion of him could get better……Bet the Vogons wouldn’t mess with him

    The children agree about the chocolate milk, by the way although here in England we like it with the BST. Explains a lot

  37. Comment by Joel P. | 01.27.2010 | 6:36 pm

    What, no Ovaltine?
    Joel P.

  38. Comment by SuomiTri | 01.27.2010 | 8:04 pm

    Bike Rog, is your second one a haiku? Is chocolate “choc-co-late” or “choc-late”? Methinks it’s tri-syllabic (all the best things come in threes, ahthanku), leaving your first stanza six syllables.


  39. Comment by Erin | 01.27.2010 | 8:21 pm

    Man, I picked up some chocolate milk after my workout today. I was cruising down the highway, took my first sip, and it was on the turn.

    Chocolate milk, you cruel, cruel mistress.

  40. Comment by Jill2 | 01.27.2010 | 8:51 pm

    OMG. No more poetry, please.

    Hershey’s Syrup is the only suitable way to make chocolate milk.

  41. Comment by Philly Jen | 01.27.2010 | 8:57 pm

    O my darlin, O my darlin,
    O my darlin chocolate milk,
    You are lost and gone forever…

  42. Comment by Cece | 01.27.2010 | 9:32 pm

    Premium Saltines
    Peter Pan Creamy Peanut Butter
    Tall glass of ice cold milk with just the right amount of Hershey’s syrup.

    No finer snack in the world !

    I wish you happiness: tonight, tomorrow, and forever !

  43. Comment by MVSC | 01.27.2010 | 11:08 pm

    Fatty, you too are as mysterious as you are perfect.

  44. Comment by Fanning Flashes | 01.28.2010 | 12:17 am

    Ah yes, recovery meal of champions…chocolate milk and glazed donuts! You got my vote!

  45. Comment by Jenn | 01.28.2010 | 12:50 am

    Am I the only masochist who read the poem and then clicked back all three links at the beginning? Thank goodness only one was a ‘poem’ (Really, Fatt…you’re taking some license). Unrelated but equally curious…am I the only one forced to balance my laptop on the dog’s arse in the morning? He just cannot get close ENOUGH.

  46. Comment by Jenn | 01.28.2010 | 12:51 am

    Sorry, FattY. Blame the dog.

  47. Comment by Allison | 01.28.2010 | 1:01 am

    I like chocolate, but it have a lot of fat. christian shoes

  48. Comment by Mike Roadie | 01.28.2010 | 4:10 am

    Delicious post…..it actually brought tears to my eyes.

    Next time you write an ode, can you use thee and thine for the possessive qualities?

    My kids like Strawberry milk……Yeeeech!

  49. Comment by bikemike | 01.28.2010 | 6:23 am

    wouldn’t it be great if they did a movie about chocolate in 3-D/IMAX?

  50. Comment by CK | 01.28.2010 | 6:28 am

    But don’t they make chocolate milk from milk that is about to spoil?

  51. Comment by wvcycling | 01.28.2010 | 7:14 am

    haiku for you:

    Chocolate Milk Beats:
    Muscle Milks, Protein Power Plus.
    Natural is Better.

  52. Comment by Jodi J. | 01.28.2010 | 9:01 am

    Oooh! Chocolate milk! There is a dairy in my town that makes THE BEST chocolate milk I’ve ever had! They put potato flakes in it (I’m from Idaho…thus potatoes) and it makes it so thick and creamy. A lot like drinking melted ice cream. But so much better!

  53. Comment by Morris Wheeler | 01.28.2010 | 10:14 am

    I know you don’t control your ads, but there was just an add on your site for something called I M V U, which showed an (animated) women with a tatoo on her leg that looks too much like a swastika. It really jarred me while I was perusing your site. Thought you would want to know.

  54. Comment by Hannah Handpainted | 01.28.2010 | 1:18 pm

    I love those plaques! Cool idea.

  55. Comment by Kathleen@ForgingAhead | 01.28.2010 | 3:52 pm

    You’ve said it all..except make sure your version of choc-milk is corn syrup free. I swear they sneak that stuff in everywhere!


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