Big News Today

04.1.2010 | 7:42 am

I’ve got two big pieces of news to reveal today.

The first is no surprise to anyone who’s been following my blog for a good long time: my blog is five years old today. Which means that — at an average of four posts per week, each an average of two typewritten pages long, I have now written approximately 2080 pages for this blog.

Even when you factor in the fact that only 4% of it is any good, that’s still 83 pages of stuff worth reading.

Which, I guess, is not all that much good stuff to write over the course of four years.

Suddenly, I’m finding myself wishing I hadn’t done that particular bit of math.

Luckily for me, there are some other people who haven’t done that math either, because they probably would have reconsidered and then I wouldn’t be able to reveal my second big piece of news, which I — for contractual reasons that will shortly become clear — am going to simply reprint in its entirety below:

Competitor Group Announces Acquisition of
Includes Rights to Back Catalog, Future Content

The Competitor Group (CGI), the leading media and event company in the endurance sports industry, today announced the acquisition of, expanding and solidifying its cycling and triathalon coverage into the rapidly emerging and hotly competitive “online sport satire” arena.

Mitch Thrower, New Media Officer for The Competitor Group, said, “We are pleased today to bring Elden “Fatty” Nelson on board to our increasingly rich and diverse publishing properties. With his large repository of existing content and the moderate likelihood that he will continue — occasionally at least — to write something of at least mediocre entertainment value about cycling or triathalons, we figured we’d better scoop him up before Bicycling magazine did.”

Nelson — or “Fatty” as he likes to call himself in order to give a patina of likeability to what would otherwise be a fairly unlikeable person — will primarily retain the duties he has already given himself — e.g., write his blog, with some posts being re-published in the online versions of VeloNews and Triathalete Magazine.

There will be some differences, however.

“First, we will be un-revealing Fatty’s name,” said Thrower. “With the recent revelation of the name of another cycling blogger nobody had previously heard of, we think it would be wise if we can get everyone to forget the name of the author of To that purpose, we have a group of editors currently scrubbing his site of his name and image, replacing them with circumlocutory remarks and photos of Elvis during his fat years.”

“After everyone’s forgotten who Nelson is — in a couple weeks, we estimate — we’ll shock the world by revealing that Fatty is actually Elden Nelson. And thousands of people will be excited to know that someone they’ve never heard of is in fact someone they’ve never heard of.”

“This will be somehow meaningful,” said Thrower.

The scrubbing of Nelson’s identity, however, will not be the only change to the blog.

“We’re adding a new tagline to Nelson’s blog,” asserted Thrower. “Something like, ‘He’s like BikeSnobNYC, but he’s from Utah!’ Or maybe ‘He’s like BikeSnobNYC, but we promise he won’t say anything our advertisers don’t want him to!’ Our agency creatives are still working on it.”

Some content will also be removed from the site.

“There are a few less-than-savory posts that have appeared in over the years,” said Thrower. “These, frankly, have no place in a Competitor property, and will be replaced by Patrick O’Grady cartoons.”

“Have you seen those drawings he does of crazy ranting cyclists where their jerseys fit so tight that their bellies show?” continued Thrower. “Those crack me up!”

Nelson’s duties will also be expanded into occasional publishing events. When, for example, Lennard Zinn takes his once-every-seven-years vacation, Nelson will assume his responsibilities.

“Zinn has done a fantastic job of singlehandedly writing the entirety of VeloNews for the past two years,” said Thrower. “Sadly, he has slept an average of 0.001 hours per night during this period, and is beginning to hallucinate badly. We believe that Nelson, as one of three people in the world capable of turning out an entire magazine’s-worth of content in a month, can take his place.”

“We fully anticipate a serious drop in the quality of our technical content, but we figure that if we only do this once every seven years or so people will forgive us. Plus we’ll extend the useful life of Lennard Zinn by an estimated fourteen years.”

As a member of CGI, will have access to its deep editorial resources, and will benefit accordingly. Readers will have access to up-to-the-minute race results for both road cycling and their favorite triathalon events. There will also be many, many pictures of bicycles. And of professional cyclists riding bicycles.

All of these pictures will be taken by Graham Watson, who has not slept once in the last nine years.

Finally, Nelson will have the responsibility of writing all new April Fools posts for VeloNews. “We’re very serious cycling journalists, and it’s not easy for us to be funny,” said Thrower. Just check out our pathetic offerings for today. A bike touring site? ASO bought by Disneyland? Contador having a repetitive stress injury due to doing that fingerbang thing all the time? We’re pretty sure Nelson can do better than that,” said Thrower. “And besides, Bike Snob turned us down.”

When reached for comment, Patrick O’Grady said, “Bluster bluster cantankerous blustery outrage,” predictably.

About The Competitor Group

Competitor Group, Inc. (CGI), headquartered in San Diego, CA, is the leading media and event entertainment company dedicated to the endurance sports industry of running, cycling and triathlons. CGI is comprised of the following brands: Competitor Publishing, Elite Racing, Inside Triathlon, the Rock ‘n’ Roll Marathon Series, Triathlete Magazine, VeloNews and VeloPress. CGI owns and operates 25 national events delivering more than 250,000 professional and amateur participants in 2009. CGI publishes four magazine titles with a combined monthly circulation of approximately 650,000 and plans to launch an endurance community web presence under in Q2 2009. Further information about Competitor and its media properties can be found at

I can hardly wait to start my new life as a CGI-branded blogger!

PS: Do I even need to say April Fools this year?


  1. Comment by Weiland | 04.1.2010 | 7:47 am

    4%, somebodies getting fired for that due-diligence.

  2. Comment by Barb | 04.1.2010 | 8:03 am

    Too funny, thanks for the laughs. And congrats on the fifth anniversary.

  3. Comment by Roger Whitney | 04.1.2010 | 8:04 am

    April Fools?!?!?

    Love the blog

    Be well

  4. Comment by Constantin | 04.1.2010 | 8:06 am

    This may be very well true as it may be a 1st April joke.
    Congratulations for 5 years of blogging!

  5. Comment by Rick D. | 04.1.2010 | 8:11 am

    No… Say it isn’t so! ;)

  6. Comment by dsfsdf | 04.1.2010 | 8:19 am

    yawwnnn borring!

    Now you’ve gone and hurt my feelings. – FC

  7. Comment by Born 4 Lycra | 04.1.2010 | 8:37 am

    dsfsdf don’t be so hard on yourself. I’m sure there is someone somewhere interested in what you think.

    Nice work FC and congrats on 5 years – hasn’t time flown.

  8. Pingback by Old And Beautiful « | 04.1.2010 | 8:48 am

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  9. Comment by Heidi | 04.1.2010 | 8:53 am

    [Crooning ala Bill Murray's Saturday Night Live lounge singer]

    Happy anniversary… to youuuuuuuu…

    Go on, you crazy kid!

  10. Comment by justrun | 04.1.2010 | 8:54 am

    Nice! It’s pretty serendipitous that your blog anniversary coincides with this day. Or maybe it’s not serendipitous at all. I’ve lost my point. I just mean it seems very YOU. Anyway, that is all. Good job!

  11. Comment by skippy | 04.1.2010 | 9:03 am

    APRIL’S FOOL finished in Oz hours ago!

  12. Comment by MOCougFan | 04.1.2010 | 9:06 am

    Been an awesome 5 years FC. Seriously, thanks for all the effort you put into my 5 minutes of humor a day. Your post 3 years ago about Moab bike crash is still one of my favorite reads ever.

    Good job brother.

  13. Comment by Dave Trendler | 04.1.2010 | 9:08 am

    Welcome to the family, Fatty!


  14. Comment by HP | 04.1.2010 | 9:09 am

    You! Are the Man!

    Happy #5!

  15. Comment by roan | 04.1.2010 | 9:13 am

    Maybe when CGI brings back your true identity with the title of Lord, the good people of SLC will ewreck a column with a stat-chew(near a convience store)of you doing an endo. Then every Sunday morning I can with a clear conscious head out on my mtn bike to lurch.

  16. Comment by Chicken Legs | 04.1.2010 | 9:29 am

    Happy Anniversary! Good One. A fine 83 pages it was Fatty.

  17. Comment by the captain | 04.1.2010 | 9:35 am

    i thought you had already sold out ;)

  18. Comment by Marrock | 04.1.2010 | 9:41 am

    “favorite triathalon events”…?

    I don’t know what that even means, there is no such thing.

  19. Comment by Mikeonhisbike | 04.1.2010 | 9:42 am

    Happy national drive to work day!

  20. Comment by Leon | 04.1.2010 | 9:45 am

    Happy #5 Fatty! Happy B-day to me too.

  21. Comment by Jeff | 04.1.2010 | 9:48 am

    I can’t wait to see what you do with Triathalete Magazine!

  22. Comment by NYCCarlos | 04.1.2010 | 9:51 am

    Happy Anniversary dude. Glad I was here for the last 10 months or so. Wish I was here the 4 years before that!

  23. Comment by KanyonKris | 04.1.2010 | 9:55 am

    You started this blog on April Fools? Now that’s commitment to humor.

  24. Comment by GenghisKhan | 04.1.2010 | 9:58 am

    Happy Bloggin’ B-Day–I got bought out, too–weird co-inky-dink!

  25. Comment by DNAtsol | 04.1.2010 | 10:02 am

    Congrats on 5 years.

    It has certainly been quite a ride (pardon the pun). Do you have a then vs now photo you can post (fatty as fatty & fatty as not-so-fatty-anymore)? That would be quite the comparison.

  26. Comment by FliesOnly | 04.1.2010 | 10:08 am

    If I had not already read VeloNews today, you might have gotten me. As such, the Alberot Contador “story” made me have my guard up. Nonetheless, congrats on the anniversary. I’ve been with you since the ole MSN(?) days, and have enjoyed the entire ride…so to speak.

  27. Comment by bikemike | 04.1.2010 | 10:15 am

    you spelled CGI wrong, i checked… at that point i knew it was fake. that’s hilarious.

  28. Comment by Atomic | 04.1.2010 | 10:16 am

    Hey, it’s okay–eventually your writing will be up to BS NYC standards!

  29. Comment by Cardiac Kid | 04.1.2010 | 10:25 am

    Fat Elvis was the best Elvis!!!!
    Pass the bacon, salt and butter please.

    Well Done Fatty :)

  30. Comment by Clydesteve | 04.1.2010 | 10:27 am

    no, you really didn’t. Listen, Fatty, you aren’t by any chance a covert Yeast Lord, wre you?

  31. Comment by Clydesteve | 04.1.2010 | 10:28 am

    wre translated = are, sans editing

  32. Comment by SurlyCommuter | 04.1.2010 | 10:30 am

    Happy Birthday Mr. Nelson.

  33. Comment by Kate | 04.1.2010 | 10:34 am

    I am so disappointed that the VeloNews Cycletouring site is likely an April Fool’s joke… Is that sad?

  34. Comment by Bryan (not that one) | 04.1.2010 | 10:39 am

    “Plus we’ll extend the useful life of Lennard Zinn by an estimated fourteen years.”


  35. Comment by Greg | 04.1.2010 | 10:59 am

    well, all ok i suppose with one caveat: as long as “many, many pictures of bicycles” never drops below the “many pictures of bicycles” threshhold

  36. Comment by centurion | 04.1.2010 | 11:10 am

    One day I might go back and read past the second sentence.
    Who is this “Fatty” guy anyway?

  37. Comment by Meredith | 04.1.2010 | 11:46 am

    I was told by my husband in all my grogginess of my eyelids opening for the first time this morning that it snowed all night and work was cancelled (April Fools), then at work I was told to go check out an awesome NFL combine video of Sam Bradford from my alma mater OU and was Rick Roll’d (April Fools), and now you Fatty (April Fools). I thought you were going to be able to quit your full time job and was excited for you! This is not a holiday for trusting (eh, gullible) people.

  38. Comment by mark | 04.1.2010 | 11:50 am

    You know you’ve arrived as a blogger when you have trolls leaving comments.

  39. Comment by Accident Prone | 04.1.2010 | 11:51 am

    I’m such a cheater. Pretty quickly scrolled to the bottom to get to the punch line. I hate being fooled.

  40. Comment by AngieG | 04.1.2010 | 11:52 am

    Thanks for the laugh. I now have to go home and change. I peed my pants when I read the “Open Letter to Champion” post.

    I think you were right about the sleeves though. That is where the little french kids stash their cigarettes.

    Happy Blogging Birthday!!!!

  41. Comment by Denise | 04.1.2010 | 12:05 pm

    1st paragraph – stunned. Fatty sold his blog?!?!?!
    2nd paragraph – confused. And they call him mediocre???
    3rd paragraph – suspicious. This just doesn’t sound right.

    You got me good, Fatty!

  42. Comment by Will | 04.1.2010 | 12:26 pm

    Oh yeah, and you linked the Assos post. That just never ever friggin gets old.

  43. Comment by Greg @ Greg Rides Trails | 04.1.2010 | 12:52 pm

    Congrats on the five years man, that is quite the accomplishment!!!

  44. Comment by costalrider | 04.1.2010 | 1:18 pm

    I can not believe that you are selling out like that, I’ll never read your blog again!!!
    Oh wait a minute; never mind…

  45. Comment by Tommy Romunsky | 04.1.2010 | 1:36 pm

    This is either an April Fools joke (awesome) or your blog will take a sharp and decisive turn towards “crap-town” just like

    Hope it’s a joke!

  46. Comment by Jenn | 04.1.2010 | 1:39 pm

    OK, first, happy anniversary, Fatty! After that, I don’t even know where to begin. This post is positively epic! For me, you are rapidly approaching Coen brothers/Darby Conley comedic status (as high praise as my warped sense of humor could give). Just a matter of time before a publisher really does scoop you up. Thanks, as always, for the laughs!

  47. Comment by Mike Roadie | 04.1.2010 | 1:48 pm

    No, you don’t have to say it, in fact I clicked over just to see what you would write for April 1st!

    Did you see the VeloNews “story” on Contador today?:

    Good as always, Fatty

  48. Comment by Kathleen@ForgingAhead | 04.1.2010 | 4:23 pm

    Well played Fatty!

  49. Comment by pz_steve | 04.1.2010 | 4:40 pm

    Nice one, Fatty. Not sure, though, about highlighting this from a past post of yours:

    “Also, I’ve got to admit that I spent some time Googling your name, Dr. Lämmler. It turns out that a search on “Dr. Michael Lämmler” yields exactly one result, and it’s not for your pro racing career. If I broaden the search out a little bit, I do find one recent race result. Triathlons, Doctor? For shame.”

    Ahhh, the naivety of youth! (And the dangers of ever, ever committing anything to print. You’re a braver man than I…

  50. Comment by Diego | 04.1.2010 | 5:51 pm

    Congrats on five years!
    I’ve been reading your stuff since May 2005 back when you were on MSN Spaces. Hard to think I was only 15 then :)

  51. Comment by Zed | 04.1.2010 | 9:53 pm

    For about two seconds, my reaction was, “What? How stupid!!!”

    Then it shifted to, “Oh, yeah, it’s April 1st, huh?”

    Dude, I’ve been reading your stuff since September 2005. I still remember the article on cyclingnews. It was the one about the sport-class mountain biker dissing on Jan Ullrich. Classic. Happy 5th, Fatty.

  52. Comment by co | 04.1.2010 | 9:55 pm

    Gosh Darn – here I was thinking this was a Fat Cyclist Fake News piece, and it turned out to be an April Fool’s piece. Dagnabit.

  53. Comment by Jenn | 04.1.2010 | 11:43 pm

    I know that it’s not ‘your’ Jodi, but there’s a very cool cancer fund-raising-touched-by-the-hands-of-Gods story on the interwebs right now about a surfer named Jodie Nelson. Immediately called you to mind and made me think…what is it about those Nelsons?! Cool story. You’ll have to google it, as my overwhelming technical prowess stops just shy of knowing how to insert a link in this comment.

  54. Pingback by Lindsay Lohan Cast as Mary Jane in Spiderman Reboot! | Hot News Feed | 04.2.2010 | 1:49 am

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  55. Comment by AEL | 04.2.2010 | 8:11 am

    You gave away April Fools at “online sport satire.” But nice piece anyway. And I’m glad you don’t limit the fake news to one day a year. Happy Anniversary Fatty!

  56. Comment by Loving the Bike | 04.2.2010 | 4:56 pm

    Okay, I’ll be 56th on the list of commenters. Showing all us cycling bloggers once again why you are the King. You’re an inspiration on and off the bike, dude.

    Congratulations on 5 big years.


  57. Comment by NatMc | 04.5.2010 | 6:46 pm

    way better than VN’s 4-1 stuff. well played.

  58. Comment by Haven (KT) | 04.7.2010 | 11:24 am

    I will admit– I had to scroll back up and check the date of the article, as I am not reading this on April Fool’s Day. I was suspicious at first, but then I got to the second paragraph of the “press release” and started to figure it out.

    I loved your past stuff!! I remember when you and Bob and dug were doing Random Reviewer. Classic.

    Happy 5th Blogiversary!

  59. Comment by Idaho Sherpa | 04.8.2010 | 10:51 pm

    I love you man!

  60. Comment by nokia | 04.14.2010 | 12:47 pm

    thanks for share that ..


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