Podium! My Tour de Donut Race Report

07.19.2010 | 10:36 am

A Note from Fatty: Before I get to today’s main post, I would like to let you know about something very, very important: Today is the last day you can pre-order your 2011 Fat Cyclist gear.

Order by Midnight Central Time (that’s 10:00PM for you folks on the West coast). So I’m going to do a quick recap of what’s out there.

This is the design that started it all, updated in some very subtle ways to suit the Team Fatty mission. Check out the Check out the men’s jersey front:


And the women’s jersey back:


Other standout items include — for the first time ever — a long-sleeved thermal jersey (men’s and women’s), a tech T for runners and cyclists who want a more casual look (and don’t need zippers and pockets), and a very affordable hoodie (men’s and women’s).

Want more details? Go to my description of all the stuff here. Ready to order? Go to the Fat Cyclist page on the Twin Six site here.

Tour de Donut Race Report

The Runner and I do not compete against each other. When we ride, we ride together. When we run, we run together. When we finished the Ironman, we finished it together.

But the 2010 Utah Tour de Donut was an exception. Sort of.

It started the evening before the race, as we talked about our dreams and aspirations for the event. “I don’t intend to ride fast, and I intend to stop eating donuts before I get seriously ill,” I said.

Yes, I am a dreamer.

“My only plan,” replied The Runner, “is to eat as many donuts as you.”

“That,” I replied confidently, “is ridiculous. Don’t you know who I am? Don’t you know my super power? Don’t you realize that I can unhinge my jaw and eat three donuts in a single, horrifying bite?”

“I think I can hang,” said The Runner.

And that was pretty much the end of the trash-talking session. But let the record show: the first instance of competitiveness between us was over respective capabilities in donut eating.

The Stage is Set

The way the Fat Cyclist family wound up being represented at the Tour de Donut was The Runner and me, each on our respective road bikes, and The Runner’s son — The IT Guy — on his road bike. The tandem fell through at the last moment, because my tandem is currently not in riding condition — a fact I discovered just a hair too late to do anything about it.

I arrived at the venue, picked up our race packets — including really nice t-shirts — and met with a couple of fellow Utah-based bloggers. Here I’m with Lindsay of Healthy Stride:


Her story is pretty impressive — she’s lost more than 100 pounds through eating properly and exercising — and she’s recently been bit pretty bad by the cycling bug.

This was her first cycling event, so I assured her that all cycling events have an eating competition portion that allows you to deduct minutes off your final time, and that this year’s Tour de France will likely come down to whether Contador can eat more than Schleck, though I think Cadel Evans might have a serious chance if he is really willing to apply himself.

I also talked with Camille of Make It Work Mom.


I admit that Camille had a sort of “eye of the tiger” thing going on, and I was pretty sure she was going to kick my butt in the riding portion of the race.

I was not, however, worried about being beaten in the donut-eating portion of the event, in much the same way that Superman does not worry about being out-supered by the Wonder Twins.

And then, finally, I got to meet the race organizer, Rod — a guy I’ve talked with on the phone a dozen times — in real life:


Rod is a great guy — someone who loves finding ways to help people, and having fun doing it. I’m looking forward to working with him more in the future.

By the way, my very favorite moment of the day was when Rod introduced me to his daughter (pictured above) and said to her, “Do you know what this man’s name is? It’s Fatty!”

She busted up. Just started laughing uncontrollably.

I’ve never been so happy to have the nickname “Fatty” in my entire life.

Looking around, I was really pleased to see a lot of “Fat Cyclist” jerseys in the crowd. JJ and his wife Gina. Seth, whose wife The Runner and I had met earlier that morning at The Swimmer’s swim meet. Jolene, who stated that her husband KanyonKris had stayed home because the event seemed “too silly.”


A Lap for Bunny

The truth is, The Tour de Donut would have been a completely, aweseomely silly event except for one extremely sad event that happened earlier last week: a mom and avid cyclist — Elizabeth “Bunny” Bradley was killed by a truck while she was out on a ride.

A two-car collision sent one of the cars into Bunny, killing her; the car crash had nothing to do with the cyclists. It was just one of those horrible random events.

I met briefly with Bunny’s dad, who was at the event, and did my best to tell him how sad I was for them and how impressed I was that he was out doing anything at all right now.

Before the main race, we then did a slow, quiet lap for Bunny. A number of people wore “Riding for Bunny” t-shirts showing their support for the family.


And then it was time to race.

Intense Pace

I expect there were some people who treated the Tour de Donut like a race, but they were nowhere near the part of the field I was in. The Runner, The IT Guy, and I chatted as we rode along the industrial roads. Oh, and you know how you know for sure you’re not racing seriously? When you take out your phone and take candid shots of people riding with you.


As we rode, lots of people cheered on the “Fat Cyclist” jerseys — indeed, I’ve never felt quite so at home in a Fat Cyclist jersey as at the Tour de Donut. It’s like they were made for each other.

One racer pulled alongside us, commented on the jerseys, and said, “Isn’t the Fat Cyclist supposed to be riding here today?”

“Yeah, that’s me,” I said.

To which he replied, “May I draft behind your magnificent quads?”

And for saying that, this rider is hereby promoted to my favorite reader of all time.

Magnificent Technique

The first lap — a perfectly flat 7-mile loop — ended, and it was time to begin the reason we came to this event: eating donuts. For each donut eaten, we could subtract three minutes from our riding time. So there were two things to consider:

  • The most important rule: No puking in the donut-eating zone.
  • The practical reality that eating a donut only saves you time if you can eat it in less than three minutes.

I immediately made a grave error: I did not take off my cycling gloves. Within seconds they were covered, and would leave sticky glaze on everything I touched — especially on my bike’s bars — for the rest of the day.

I now have to confess that until now, I have never eaten competitively. Oh sure, to look at me you’d assume that I am a serious eater indeed, but the truth is, I’m an amateur.

So I experimented a little.

For my first donut, I just ate it as I would at the office, but much faster. This, however, seemed slow, as well as messy — as I crammed the right side of the donut into my mouth, the left side would poke against my face.

So for the second donut, I just stuffed the whole thing into my mouth. Which posed a new problem: with a whole donut in my mouth, I couldn’t breathe. And it was hard to chew. And it was dry and wanted to just sit there forever in my mouth.

By the third donut, I stumbled on a technique that I would adopt for the rest of my donut-eating efforts: I folded the donut in half, then ate using a two bites / 1 swallow of water rhythm. I ate with alacrity, but not with panic or uncontrolled urgency.

I had hit my groove.

As I ate, I called out donors’ names. Thanks to my eating prowess, however, I ran out of names before I hit my maximum donut threshold.

The Runner ate four and said she was done. “I am just getting into my groove,” I said.

The IT Guy ate six and said he was done. “I think I’ll eat a couple more,” I allowed.

By the time I had eaten eight donuts, I figured I had hit the point where I could no longer eat more donuts and still ride comfortably.

So we set off for lap 2 of 3.

The Question

As we rode — still cruising, not really racing — I often asked people we went by: “How many have you eaten?”

Sometimes the answer would be three. Sometimes — most commonly, in fact — it would be two. I don’t think I came across anyone who had eaten eight (because the serious contenders were further up the field).

Strangely, I came across quite a few people who said “zero.”

Zero. Really. You ate zero donuts at the Tour de Donut.

The very thought makes me want to cry.

Donut Zone 2

Seven miles of flat roads goes by quickly — and with only eight donuts in me, I didn’t feel sick at all. Seriously, I didn’t. My superpower is totally real. The Runner was forced to acknowledge that in terms of eating, she is more of a sidekick than a superhero. But that’s OK, because I need a sidekick.

As we pulled into the Donut Zone, I proclaimed that I was going to eat four more donuts. By the time I got to number 12, I had slowed considerably. I confess, in fact, that for the first time in my life, donuts had lost their appeal.

But then I thought to myself: “When eating donuts, one should not eat a dozen. One should eat a baker’s dozen.”

So I ate one more. 13 donuts. People were actually cheering me on. Which helped. A little.

And then I heard louder cheering. Much louder. People were yelling, “Regan! Regan! REGAN!” And there, at the next table, was Regan Fackrell, reigning champion of the Utah Tour de Donut. He was somewhere in the process of eating the 25 donuts he would eventually consume (Brent Strong would eat 26 donuts, but take much, much longer to finish).

Regan was gracious enough to pose for a picture with me, captured by Jess of Picture Me Mine photography (see Jess’s writeup of the event in her blog here:


25 donuts. Seriously. Wow.


After getting photographed with Regan, I looked around — The Runner and the IT Guy had gone on ahead. I tried to step up my riding to see if I could catch up, but at first, that was a problem.

You will be very surprised, I am sure, to find out that I was feeling a little bit full. Nearly to the point of discomfort in fact.

And then, about 200 yards into the lap, I burped about 13 donuts worth of air out of my stomach.

Suddenly, I felt fine. Could’ve eaten another five donuts, I’ll bet.

And in any case, I felt like I could ride again. So I started riding hard. Before long, I caught the IT guy, who was riding with Jolene. The Runner was further up ahead. I kept cranking. Then, with just a couple miles left in the loop, I caught her.

“Please,” I said, “can we slow down now? I feel like I may have overeaten this morning.”

And we cruised to the finish line.


To my amazement and delight, I finished on the podium for my age group. Yes, out of 59 starters in my division, I took third place with my 13 donuts. And if I’d have eaten just one more, I could have tied for most donuts eaten in my division.

Next year. Just you wait and see.

As for The Runner, she did excellent as well, taking fourth out of more than 50 starters in her division. And the IT guy — pitted against a very competitive field of 95 guys (including the overall winner), took 14th. Very respectable.

After the Afterward

It was a hot day, and so as I lounged around the finishing area and talked with people, I took advantage of the plentiful bottles of cold water laying around. Probably drank about three of them.

And then…well, I didn’t feel so good. In fact, you might say that I felt ill.

As we pulled into a convenience store to pick up a Diet Coke, I said to The Runner, “I don’t look so great, do I?”

“No,” she agreed, “you don’t.”

So when we got home, I found a toilet and put my finger down my throat, intending to de-donutize a little.

Weirdly, though, all that came out was about two bottles-worth of water. Evidently, it was just sitting on top of the thirteen donuts, just sloshing around.

Feeling better, I asked, “How does Del Taco sound for lunch?”

Next Year

As the day went on, I couldn’t help but think back. I finished on the podium! And I wasn’t even really riding hard! And I know for sure I could have eaten a couple more donuts if I had really tried.

So yeah, I’ll be back for the 2011 Tour de Donut. But this time, now that I know what I’m capable of, I’m going at it hard.

I just hope Regan doesn’t move into my age group between now and then.

PS: A huge thanks goes out to Rod, Lane, the Rotary Club, the volunteers, One on One Marketing, and everyone else who put on a great event that raised a lot of money for great causes in a really fun way.


  1. Comment by Jenn | 07.19.2010 | 10:52 am

    Great race report! Can’t wait to see you at the TOP of the podium next year!

  2. Comment by T Foster | 07.19.2010 | 10:59 am

    Outstanding report. My condolences to the Bradley family. A big congratulations to Lindsay, that is quite an accomplishment. Rod looks like he was made to run this event.

  3. Comment by Kate | 07.19.2010 | 11:05 am

    People who eat no donuts at the Tour de Donut should be forced to wear something akin to a cone of shame. A scarlet donut, perhaps.

    Congratulations on your finish! And LOVE the pictures!

  4. Comment by Seth | 07.19.2010 | 11:07 am

    Fatty, it was fun riding with you for the few minutes before you dropped me like a hot rock.

    I was a little saddened not to be offered a glossy 8 X 10, but please permit me to follow your lead and give you some unsolicited advice for the 2011 Utah Tour de Donut: disposable rubber gloves. Just put a couple in your jersey pocket and don them over your cycling gloves for the donut station. Bring two pair (since I’m pretty sure I saw you eating two-handed) and toss them after each round.

    That was my third Tour de Donut and I’m already looking forward to next year.

  5. Pingback by Fat Cyclist – the Aftermath | | 07.19.2010 | 11:09 am

    [...] a great read by visiting Fatty’s comments on the 2010 Utah Tour de Donut.  Finishing in 3rd Place for his division, with a strong taste of donuts fresh in his mouth, he [...]

  6. Comment by Jo | 07.19.2010 | 11:28 am

    Kris didn’t actually stay home. He was on a much longer ride. He didn’t get to eat donuts though! Good seeing you, the runner, IT guy and all the other Fattys.

  7. Comment by brian (the pansy 3 donut one) | 07.19.2010 | 11:35 am

    It was great to meet you in person. How come I didn’t get an 8X10 either?

    Um, “congratulations” on the podium if that’s really the right thing to say. More appropriate is probably – yuck! You’re nuts! Worth mentioning is that Lisa was only 40 seconds from getting a podium herself. You two would’ve probably won first if you had done tandem.

    As far as the concern of the donuts causing cancer I’m pretty sure it greatly reduced my odds of getting cancer by donut consumption – it’s going to be a long time before I eat another donut.

    Fun event! At least it seems that way now thinking back on it.

    Yeah, I’m with you on that. I have no interest in pastry in general right now. I wonder how long that will last. – FC

  8. Comment by Elisabethvi | 07.19.2010 | 11:49 am

    I can’t wait until next years tour de donut. It will be one of our family vacations. Donuts and biking…what could be better?

  9. Comment by Darth Vader | 07.19.2010 | 11:57 am

    Great cause and sad story about Bunny. Fatty, you’re fired. Lindsay and Camille, here I come. snazzy indeed.

  10. Comment by Camille | 07.19.2010 | 11:59 am

    Excellent write up of the race!! You had me laughing!

    As for the “Eye of the Tiger”, you must have been watching my warm up routine before the race in my gray sweats while on-lookers were yelling “Rocky!”

    And you definitely out-ate me in the donut division! I’m almost embarrassed to admit how many I ended up throwing down.

  11. Comment by Carl | 07.19.2010 | 12:11 pm

    Fatty, if you ever want to change careers, I have a job waiting for you on my police department here in Ohio.

  12. Pingback by More Tradegies « Off the Gravel Road | 07.19.2010 | 12:42 pm

    [...] then I read Fatty’s report on the Tour de Donut.  At the beginning of his report, he tells of a young lady who was killed on her bike.  That one [...]

  13. Comment by Dan O | 07.19.2010 | 12:43 pm

    What a wacked out fun event – even though I’m sick just reading about it….

  14. Comment by Julie | 07.19.2010 | 12:57 pm

    It was nice to meet you Saturday (I’m Lindsay’s friend)! TdD was a fun event and I will definitely be back next year. Your post definitely captured the spirit of the day!

  15. Comment by KanyonKris | 07.19.2010 | 1:09 pm

    For the record, I’m usually into silly and dig the Tour de Donut idea. Just wasn’t feeling it.

    Went on a road ride with a friend I haven’t been able to ride with much recently – really enjoyed the ride.

  16. Comment by Paul Guyot | 07.19.2010 | 1:14 pm

    Sounds like an outstanding day. The Tour de France would be so much more competitive and exciting if they added donut eating to the stages.

    As a guy living in the city where the Tour de Donut originated – St. Louis started it 19 years ago – I am happy to see it is catching on all over the country.

  17. Comment by Philly Jen | 07.19.2010 | 1:21 pm

    Fatty, I think you made a typo. For a Tour de Donut, isn’t it spelled “podiYum”?

    (The opposite of which, of course, is a podiYuck: three holes of varying depths dug into the ground to accommodate the byproducts of technicolor yawning.)

    Congrats on your fine finish!

  18. Comment by Connie | 07.19.2010 | 1:30 pm

    A baker’s dozen, a burp and you’re off! Very impressive! While others were asking, “How many donuts did you eat?” I was asking, “What lap are you on?”, as I was huffing a puffing on the 2nd lap, knowing full well, they were on their last!
    Great write up!

  19. Comment by Scartissue | 07.19.2010 | 1:34 pm

    I was looking to podium but I got a stupid flat. While I was busy fixing it, Fatty and his entourage rode by. I wanted to say thanks for asking if I had everything I needed to fix the flat. I would have thanked you personally after the race but I don’t know how to approach a super-mega-blogging-hall of famer.

  20. Comment by RodNeeds2Ride | 07.19.2010 | 1:47 pm

    Thanks for that write-up Fatty! The 2010 Utah Tour de Donut wouldn’t have been the same without you.

    Our sincere thanks goes out to all Team Fatty members that participated, especially the couple that had fashioned their own “Bunny Memorial” ribbons. You guys ROCK!

    Seeing my picture, I’m sure everyone can see why I chose my screenname :)

    See you all next year! Would Krispy Kremes help get you out?

  21. Comment by Regan Fackrell | 07.19.2010 | 2:09 pm


    Great showing at the Tour de Donut!!!!

    I pretty disappointed with only eating 25, as I set the goal for 31. Last year, no other riders were within 10 donuts of me; so, I was lulled into a complacent state and could have eaten a few more if I knew there was someone chasing me.

    Next year, I will do the salt water flush the night before and remember my gas-x for the ride. Those are two of my trade secrets and I am readily sharing them will all.

    See you at next year’s Utah Tour de Donut!!!!!

    Regan Fackrell

  22. Comment by Clydesteve | 07.19.2010 | 2:19 pm

    Fatty I have to acknowledge your wisdom in having a wider smile when standing very close to Rod (who supplied donuts) than when standing very close to the lovely Lindsay and the lovely Camille. Well done.

  23. Comment by Alison Wonderland | 07.19.2010 | 2:52 pm

    This is the most genius event I’ve ever heard of. Flat roads AND donuts! I’m absolutely coming next year.

  24. Comment by RJD | 07.19.2010 | 4:05 pm

    It was great to meet you, however quick, after the event. Where’s my glossy? I am embarrassed I only ate 6 donuts but will set a higher goal for next year. Looking forward to it!

  25. Comment by olej | 07.19.2010 | 4:07 pm

    “May I draft behind your magnificent quads?”

    Cracked me completely! Thank you for excellent writing. I have to try to copy the TdD over here ;-)

  26. Comment by Chris | 07.19.2010 | 8:57 pm

    Just placed my order for some of the finest cycling gear I may ever wear! I tri-jersey would be sweet.

  27. Comment by Gary Toyn | 07.19.2010 | 9:14 pm

    Thanks for letting me draft behind your magnificent quads. It was great meeting you and “The Runner.” You truly have a gift when it comes to eating sugary sweets. Next year I’ll follow your lead and smash multiple donuts into a loaf of gooey goodness. I was being tutored at the feet of the master.

  28. Comment by MattC | 07.19.2010 | 10:02 pm

    Oh, man….I KNOW that I can eat at least a dozen! And I would be in a different age category, too. It’s just that Utah is a LONG way from Calif for me to drive over just to eat a bunch of donuts (and ride, sort of)… Gosh, then I’d be even MORE hyper than normal (for about a month). I’d have to RIDE all the way back home just to get rid of all the donuts and sugar!

    And hey, …shouldn’t the categories be based on WEIGHT, not age? Just wondering aloud here…seems like that would be more fair. For you guys I mean.

  29. Comment by Alan | 07.19.2010 | 11:47 pm

    Boy am I glad you put out a reminder about ordering the Fat Cyclist gear in today’s post. I think i just barely made the deadline because Twin Six sent me a confirmation, so I’m glad I don’t have to beg. Thanks, but I am kind of conflicted hearing about events like the Tour de Donut because I am hoping to be able to fit in the XXXL gear that I ordered (After I lose a ridiculous amount of weight of course).

  30. Comment by The Rotten Wife | 07.19.2010 | 11:55 pm

    It’s midnight MOUNTAIN. I messed up bad.

    Is begging tolerated?

  31. Comment by Cardiac Kid | 07.20.2010 | 6:00 am

    No Mention of what kind of donuts…were they the sprinkled kind? Glazed? the nasty dry brown ones that people think they like but really don’t?

  32. Comment by Greg @ Greg Rides Trails | 07.20.2010 | 6:53 am

    Haha yes, that sounds like pretty much the best cycling race of all time!

  33. Comment by Jenni | 07.20.2010 | 7:22 am

    What kind of donuts were there? Was it the light and fluffy glazed, or more heavy cake donuts?

    Is one permitted to bring one’s Bullet blender and make a mash to drink?

  34. Comment by MattC | 07.20.2010 | 8:36 am

    Jenni…I think you’re onto something there! Donutmax…a new sports drink…pure sugar, tastes like glazed KK donuts! Blending up donuts into a drink..BRILLIANT! You should do a quick patent on that idea!

  35. Comment by Dan | 07.20.2010 | 10:09 am

    I was there, too, and had a blast. I rode the first lap pulling my 5 year old and 2 year old sons in my trailer and riding beside my 8 year old daughter. This was by far the furthest she has ever ridden, and I was really proud of her for riding the course. Fatty – you said hi to us both in the registration area and on the course as you passed us. The first thing my kids noticed about the event T-shirts was the fatcyclist logo on the front. They are all excited to finally have some fatcyclist clothing like their daddy wears.

  36. Comment by brian (the pansy 3 donut one) | 07.20.2010 | 10:32 am

    For those who asked – they were glazed. They were fairly big/heavy ones – not light and fluffy like Krispy Kremes which would be awesoe.

    People would take four of them at a time and mash them flat, pour water all over them and chow down. Yech!

  37. Comment by skippi | 07.20.2010 | 1:44 pm

    TRYing to find new readers for you as i ride the Tour Da Farce !

  38. Comment by Jack | 07.21.2010 | 8:06 am

    I love the idea of this event. I have been trying to figure out how to make a cycling version of our local running event, the Krispy Kreme Challenge, whihc is a 2 mile run, a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts and 2 miles back to the start. To conquer the challenge, you must finish in under an hour and keep the donuts down. My son is a string runner and finished in 59:57. He said he couldn’t believe how much it was about eating instead of running. Evidentially, the preferred technique is to squish 3 donuts flat together, dip them in water and eat. There is a pretty funny video at ESPN about the race.

  39. Comment by Richard | 07.21.2010 | 8:35 am

    Is Lindsay married?

    Oh, dammit. I am.

  40. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » An Open Challenge To Every Cyclist In The World | 07.14.2011 | 10:15 am

    [...] by the way. You’re going to need it. After all, you’ll be racing against one of last year’s podium finishers of this event (me). Here I am with the winner of the [...]

  41. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » A Moment on the Podium: 2011 Tour de Donut Race Report | 07.18.2011 | 11:04 am

    [...] In 2010, I had eaten thirteen donuts, which had gotten me on the podium for my age group. But it had also made me feel absolutely lousy for the rest of the day. [...]


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