Please, for the Love of All That’s Good and Right in the World, Donate.

10.8.2010 | 9:32 am

The night started off so pleasantly. Really, it did. Somehow, I managed to get an invitation to the Festa del Fondo — a posh dinner and auction benefiting the really excellent causes Levi’s GranFondo is getting behind.

Oh, sure, I clowned around a little bit. For example, when I got the chance to inspect the Team RadioShack-edition Trek Madone frame that was going up for auction, I licked the top tube.


Also, I kept demanding larger portions of each course during the meal, and I suppose I may have been asking for unacceptable condiments (mayo, ketchup, fry sauce, Thousand-Island dressing) for my food.

And I wore the artfully-folded napkin as a hat.

But — by and large — I acted downright respectable. Apart from immediately posting what was supposed to be an off-the-record announcement, I mean.

Everything Goes Sideways

So, like everyone else, I wanted to get my picture taken with Levi. I figured it would be fine. I mean, he was smiling and being friendly with everyone. The perfect host.

Sure, I was a little nervous. After all, I’ve recently posted a recap of most of the Levi-related stuff I’ve put on this blog.

But — surely — he wouldn’t have seen that. Or if he had, he’d have realized I was just kidding around. Ha ha. Right?

So I went up and got a picture with Levi.


See? All smiles. (Interesting side note: Levi and I are exactly the same height, but I weigh 50% more.)

And then. And then. From nowhere. This:


Leipheimer just puts me in a headlock and starts wailing on me. Pops me in the ear. Then in the nose. Then he starts giving me a noogie.

Check the closeup:


I am freakin’ terrified, and he’s just laughing his head off. You can see how much pleasure he’s taking in — literally — busting my chops.

“Listen, Nelson (people who are angry and deadly serious always call each other by their last names),” Levi said. “You deserved that.”

“Yeah, I guess I did,” I blubbered.

Levi continued. “But that’s just a small sample of what’s coming your way if you don’t raise $10,000 with all the stuff I’m donating. My own personal bike, autographed, for pity’s sake. And so much autographed GranFondo gear my wrists are cramping.”

“Yeah, it’s great stuff,” I agreed. “It is. I’ll do another post. My readers are good for it. They’ll help out. Just…please…let me go.”

Leipheimer released me and I took the first full breath of air I’d had in five minutes. Sweet freedom.

“I’m watching you,” Leipheimer said.

“Don’t worry,” I said. “Everything’s cool.” Although, to tell the truth, I felt distinctly uncool. And also like I needed to change my pants.

Please, Help Me

So, Fat Cyclist readers, I’m begging you. Save me from Levi Leipheimer, the most ferocious cycling pro in America. You could win Levi’s personal Trek Top Fuel, tricked out and signed by Levi himself. Or you could win a custom-painted GranFondo helmet. Or any of a whole pile of cool GranFondo clothes.

And Levi’s said he’ll sign it all. Provided his hands aren’t too sore from mercilessly pounding my skull.

Read here for pictures and details of what you could win, and then donate today.

Please. I’m begging you.


  1. Comment by Dale | 10.8.2010 | 9:55 am

    When I first saw that photo of you licking the Trek/Madone frame I thought you were going to say it was another prize for us to win for donating, but alas it wasn’t so. (At some point I’ll probably donate enough to have been able to buy one of these things outright, but it wouldn’t have been for such a good cause.) Keep it up Fatty.

  2. Comment by MOCougFan | 10.8.2010 | 10:23 am

    Don’t you have to have hair to get a noogie?

    Sorry… couldn’t resist.

  3. Comment by Clydesteve | 10.8.2010 | 10:24 am

    Remember last year in Austin? I still can’t figure out why Lance wouldn’t pose with you giving you noogies.

  4. Comment by KK | 10.8.2010 | 10:35 am

    At least Levi let you remove your spectacles before working you over.

  5. Comment by Clydesteve | 10.8.2010 | 11:02 am

    Fatty, are you wearing a tiny dual periscope on your forehead in the 1st photo?

  6. Comment by Clydesteve | 10.8.2010 | 11:04 am

    BTW is is hilarious that two men in the background are looking on in disgust as you lick the frame.

    I guess they wanted to be the first.

  7. Comment by ericdano | 10.8.2010 | 11:25 am

    Dang…..I wish I could win a bike. Mine got stolen Wednesday……2006 Giant OCR C3 road bike. Almost 13,000 miles on it. I miss my bike. Nor Cal has had great weather this week too.

    Levi should donate one of his bikes to me…..fellow Nor Cal’er…..heck, I was up in Santa Rosa a few weeks ago……


  8. Comment by Steve in NC | 10.8.2010 | 12:56 pm

    Leipheimer weighs, what, 120 lbs.? Surely you could break his hold!

    You’re (almost)a full-grown man, for heaven’s sake!

  9. Comment by Weiland | 10.8.2010 | 1:08 pm

    Donation sent, but I swear if you announce me as the winner and then take it back with an oops sorry you’ll wish Leipheimer had finished you off.

  10. Comment by Team Coffee Nook | 10.8.2010 | 2:00 pm

    Donation made. Also, suggest adding a shake or two of tobasco to the traditional fry sauce concoction to liven things up a bit.

  11. Comment by Kathy McElhaney | 10.8.2010 | 2:43 pm

    I see your “crazed fan” stare was very effective! I’ve always liked Levi :)

  12. Comment by TF | 10.8.2010 | 2:48 pm

    Exact same height — yes. And there’s another glaringly obvious similarity between you two.

  13. Comment by Gemgrrl | 10.8.2010 | 3:40 pm

    What IS “fry sauce”? Oh, yeah, also… Thanks for sharing this awesome experience with us!

  14. Comment by Miles Archer | 10.8.2010 | 4:44 pm

    What happened to the top of your head? Looks like you’ve flat spotted your head.

  15. Comment by Sara | 10.8.2010 | 5:17 pm

    Do you and Levi have the same hairdresser? :)

  16. Comment by Laura | 10.8.2010 | 5:58 pm

    Donated. Wondering if there is a place to see how much you’ve raised so far???

    Levi seems like such a nice guy. Didn’t know he was so violent! But I think you could take him.

  17. Comment by Russell | 10.8.2010 | 6:12 pm

    I’m confused. Are you the one wearing the glasses or is that Levi? There is so much bald head there it is hard to tell who is who.

  18. Comment by Weiland | 10.8.2010 | 10:01 pm

    Speaking of Fry Sauce it surprisingly not available in Texas. Can you bring “Some Dudes Fry Sauce” with you to the Livestrong Challenge?

  19. Comment by AngieG | 10.8.2010 | 10:53 pm

    FYI- Fatty is currently at $10,205!!

  20. Comment by MikeL | 10.9.2010 | 7:41 am

    This has been a tough decision. Do I donate for a chance to get some good swag or not donate just to see if Levi follows through on his promises to Fatty?

    What the heck. I’m in.

  21. Comment by marion | 10.9.2010 | 12:35 pm

    Why does the second photo have blurry lines around the figures?


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