You probably think that as a beloved celebrity superstar hall-of-fame award winning beloved cycling comedy blogging sensation, being on a diet is probably quite easy for me. “I choose to now lose weight,” you probably probably think I say, at which point my people commence to preparing food that is filling, delicious, and has no calories whatsoever. They — my people — also create and enforce an exercise plan that is the perfect blend of aerobic effort and resistance workouts, guaranteed to burn fat at a ridiculous rate, while quickly and easily increasing my muscle mass, definition, and endurance.
And you would be completely right. That’s exactly how it is.
Even with my people doing all the hard work of dieting for me, I still find myself struggling with my diet.
No, don’t shake your head in disbelief. I assure you it is true.
I will elaborate.
On the first day of my diet, I was the very picture of a perfect dieter. I was hungry, yes. But the hunger was satisfying, somehow. As if my stomach was telling me, “You are starting down the path toward a fast, light 2011 season.”
I ate my meals — emphasis on protein and vegetables, just enough carbs that I would have energy for my workouts — with a steely resolve. I did not even consider seconds. OK, maybe I considered them, but I would then dismiss them out of hand, haughtily.
I would find myself in front of the fridge — arriving there without consciously thinking about walking there — and would then turn away in triumph. Ha! That’s another 250 calories I will not eat today!
I was going to be the best dieter ever.
The efforts of day 1 paid off richly with my morning weigh-in. I had lost so much weight, in a single day. Clearly, I was on the right track.
And it occurred to me, as I prepared the kids school lunches, that I had done almost too well in my diet. That, perhaps, I could cheat a little bit and still have a nice, even downward trend.
I could, for example, make myself a little sandwich while I made the kids their sandwiches. Oh, don’t worry, I’d just use the heel from the loaf, and I would go light on the peanut butter. And I’d just use one piece of bread.
Oh my. I had forgotten how delicious peanut butter on white bread is. How could I have forgotten that in just on day?
I believe I will have another.
After all, cheating on the diet in the morning gives you plenty of time to work it off. As long as you’re good the rest of the day, cheating early doesn’t really count for anything.
Hmph. I only lost a tiny bit yesterday. But hey, I’m still moving in the right direction, so we’ll count that as a win.
I had an intense day of writing at work, and found myself downstairs, staring at the pantry often. Or, more specifically, I found myself staring at the big tub of salted cashews.
I figured nuts have lots of protein, though. And they have the good kind of fat. And the good kind of salt, presumably.
And it’s not like I’m eating more than a few. I mean, I can only fit so many in a handful. And I won’t come back.
Okay, I won’t come back this time.
Seriously, this is my last trip down for cashews.
Oh forget it, I’m just bringing the tub back upstairs with me.
This day’s screwed, diet-wise, anyway. I’ll just start fresh tomorrow.
“What? I’ve gained weight today? How is that even possible? Well, I’ll do better today.”
And I do. Really, I do much, much better. And by dinner, I am starved.
And pretty grouchy, to tell the truth
“You know what I want to eat tonight?” I ask The Runner, grouchily, when she gets home from work, equally starved.
“Either Italian or Mexican.”
You know what? When two people are really, really hungry, it’s pretty easy for one of those people to sabotage both of those people’s diets.
By the way, we went out for Mexican. Shrimp fajitas, if you must know.
And fried ice cream with hot fudge for dessert.
Seriously? I gained three pounds since yesterday?
That does it. I am renewing my commitment. Getting re-focused. Eye of the tiger, baby.
Rinse and repeat.
PS: My weight today is 168.0, for a net loss of 5.2 pounds.