How do you go about identifying a bike thief? It’s a simple question, really, and the answer is correspondingly simple. You look for a person with the following traits:
- Shifty eyes
- Gives off an air of evilness
- Tends to buy bushels of apples and correspondingly large quantities of razor blades around Halloween
- Foul odor. Worse than a many-years-old jersey.
- Unpleasant smile, accompanied usually by a sinister cackle
- Dull eyes
- Trips old ladies who are trying to cross the street
- Talks and texts during movies
- Doesn’t recycle
- Chews with mouth open
- Picks nose
- Tells you how the book you’re currently reading ends
- Comments on blogs that the author has too much time on his / her hands
- Is seen riding the following bike:
Hey, wait a second. I think I’ve seen that bike before, in a tweet (oh yes, I follow the Twitter nowadays. Can’t get enough of those tweets.):
This, of course, brings several very important questions to mind:
- What is Gary going to do now that he doesn’t have a bike?
- How does that black and white bag hove magically in the air like that?
- Why no kickstand?
- Is the saddle really tilted back at a seven-degree angle? And if so, why?
- Has Gary checked the garages / basements / workplaces of everyone he knows who has access to his basement?
- How could anyone possibly steal a bike from someone as adorable as this?
Seriously, he looks like he’s about to break into song. It breaks my heart to think that anyone would ever steal a bike from someone about to break into song on the streets of San Francisco.
Darn it, I want to help Gary get his bike back.
Help Me Help Gary Get His Bike Back
Because I — like pretty much everyone who has owned a bike — know the feeling of violation that comes with the theft of a bike, I have applied my considerable technical skills to the photo — taken just before the theft — of Gary’s bike.
Specifically, I opened Photoshop (Special Criminology Version with Voice Recognition Software) said, “Enhance. Enhance. Enhance.” Here is what I found:
Egad! Some nefarious person — I’m not sure who — was clearly staring at that bike, with what appears to be very sinister intent!
Now, I don’t know for sure that this guy stole the bike. It could have been someone else.
So Gary needs your help finding this bike and the alleged perpetrator, whether it’s this guy I found in the picture, or someone else.
Here are the distinguishing characteristics of Gary’s bike:
- Blue Trek FX frame
- Schwalbe cream color tire on the front
- Bontrager cream color tire on the rear
- Handmade hardwood top cap and valve caps
- Tubus Fly minimal rear rack
- Japanese Crane brass bell
- MKS Touring Light “butterfly” pedals
- Oury grips
- White saddle
- White and black bag hovering mysteriously near the rear wheel
If you see this bike, please post a pic and info to Twitter with @Gary_Fisher and hashtag #FindGarysBike, or post a pic to Trek’s Facebook page.
Big, Big Prizes
Of course, as a person who hates thievery, you need no reason to help Gary find his bike other than it’s the right thing to do.
But you know, a reward wouldn’t hurt.
So, if your tip or tweet or Facebookization turns out to be the piece of information that helps Gary get his bike back, well, Gary’s going to give you a brand new Trek FX of your own.
And then you could tell your friends, as you rode your new bike around town, how you singlehandedly helped Gary get his town bike with a levitating bag back, and how Gary — in gratitude — gave you this bike in thanks, as well as an autographed 8 x 10 of himself. Like this:
Okay, actually the autographed 8 x 10 is just something I made up, not actually part of the reward. But I bet Gary would give you one if you asked, because he’s that kind of guy.
And you’d have the satisfaction of knowing you helped put someone (not necessarily the person illustrated here, but perhaps someone who looks like him) behind bars:
And I think we’d all sleep a little better at night.