DIY Press Statement for Alleged Dopers

01.31.2011 | 1:41 pm

This is a very special edition of my blog, aimed at the very, very many professional cyclists who read it. I write this because these are difficult, uncertain times for professional cyclists. While each and every one of you are squeaky clean, for some reason there seems to be a profusion of top-tier pros who are — unfairly and incorrectly — nabbed for doping.

When this happens, you have a choice: stay quiet and ride out the storm, or get on top of the news pronto, and let the world know of your innocence, outrage, and disappointment.

But the truth is, when you — suddenly and for no reason at all — receive the fateful call / fax / email / MMS / tweet saying that your life is about to get a lot more complicated and unpleasant, you will be in shock. With your head spinning and your blood boiling, composing and delivering a well-crafted, sane-sounding, cogent statement for the press all by yourself is just not very easy to do.

And — surprise, surprise — your agent and PR people are suddenly not answering phone calls with the alacrity you’re used to.

And that’s why I’m here (Well, not me personally, because if you get popped for doping I would prefer you don’t contact me at all, thanks. But rest assured, I believe you.). To help you get through this confusing, hellish moment and respond to those groundless accusations right away.

Simply take the following, select the applicable options, read aloud in a sincere — and if you can swing it, tearful — voice, and email off to Velonews and Cyclingnews.

Statement to the Press

Earlier today, I was as astounded as you are to discover that I tested positive for [circle all that apply: Testosterone / Clenbuterol / EPO / Abnormally high levels of Diet Coke] during the [Name or number of stage] stage of the [Name of Race]. This race happened [choose one: two days ago / two months ago] and I find it highly suspicious that it has taken [choose one: The UCI / WADA] such an incredibly [choose one: short / long] time to come out and accuse me. I think that [choose one: short / long] wait indicates a highly suspicious bias against me.

For the record, I wish to state unequivocally, that I am [circle one: entirely innocent / surprised and outraged / baffled as to how it is possible that my red blood cell count got that high without my heart stopping], and that I will fight these charges [circle one: until my final breath / until my name is cleared / until my attorney discovers that I don't have enough money to retain their services].

As you all know, I have always been a strong advocate for clean cycling, as witnessed by my [circle one: years and years of testing clean / socks that say "Dopers suck" / the way I have immediately stopped any kind of association with other cyclists once they've been implicated in any scandal / subscription to Boy's Life magazine].

Further, I would like to point out that the science behind the tests responsible for the “positive” finding is [circle one: outdated / based on an algorithm commonly used in random number generators / really complicated and confusing / new and untested], and should therefore not be trusted.

When clean cyclists like myself are being accused of doping, what it really means is that the system is broken — that the tests are [choose one or more: unfair / inaccurate / inconvenient / a total witch-hunt].

I wish to point out that the amount of the banned substance for which I have been tested would [choose one: not be enough to do me any good / obviously be enough to get me caught and so I wouldn't be so stupid as to take it anyway]. As a professional cyclist, I am tested on an incredibly frequent basis; I would never be so foolish as to put my livelihood in jeopardy by taking banned substances. Other cyclists would, but I wouldn’t. Because that would be wrong.

Also, I have enemies in the sport, people who are trying to besmirch my good name and sabotage my career. [circle one: Dick Pound / Pat McQuaid] has had it in for me for years. I don’t know why he is so angry at me.

I am confident that once [circle one: the B sample / the C sample / all the evidence / the conspiracy theory I am currently concocting] comes out, I will be exonerated, and will be able to resume the sport of cycling I love so much.

Until then, I would ask you to remember that I should be thought of innocent [circle one: until / unless] I am proven guilty.

Thank you. I will not be taking any questions.


  1. Comment by ugh | 01.31.2011 | 1:46 pm

    Make sure your man crush Lance gets a copy of this

    1. lance knows where my website is.
    2. i have made fun of lance in my blog more than i have any other single pro cyclist. like by a factor of 5 or 10. the only person i have made fun of more than lance is kenny jones. that hardly qualifies as a man crush.
    3. i don’t insinuate lance has doped in my blog, just like i don’t insinuate anyone else has doped until they’ve tested positive. i give him the benefit of the doubt, just like i do everyone else.
    4. you’re a troll.
    - FC

  2. Comment by bikemike | 01.31.2011 | 2:05 pm

    i’m sure cenobite is illegal and on the banned substance list. course it could just be a flashback to a hellraiser movie. mondays are kind of blurry.

  3. Pingback by Bikerumor » Got Caught Doping? Fat Cyclist Can Help | 01.31.2011 | 2:27 pm

    [...] earlier today on his blog, Fat Cyclist has this clever, one-size-fits-all press release ready for you, just in case you get that dreaded [...]

  4. Comment by Clydesteve | 01.31.2011 | 2:29 pm

    This is such a helpful website! Unraveling of complex issues one day, public service ipsem lorem the next.

    I would totally pay for content like this if I could not get it for free, I think.

  5. Comment by zach in a cubicle | 01.31.2011 | 2:33 pm

    In response to your response to ugh… number 1 and 4 are probably the most accurate… Now I just wish I knew who this Lance guy was that everyone is talking about. I am still writing my thesis on the improbability of the story found in “Breaking Away” alas.
    Oh and fatty if America sux at fractions, then factors are out of the question… just saying.

  6. Comment by AngieG | 01.31.2011 | 2:36 pm

    @Ugh, Well I don’t think you have read enough of Fatty’s blog if you think his man crush is on Lance. Heck no it’s got to be Kenny. Kenny’s the only one who is ever shown topless. In fact Kenny’s apparel choices have been observed and commented on by Fatty in thousands of blog entries, particulary when he wears his Daisy Dukes.

    Nope Kenny is definitely Fatty’s Man Crush!

    FC- I think the letter is a brilliant idea and will be very helpful to your friends in need. Way to be unselfish. Your generosity clearly has no bounds.

  7. Comment by KanyonKris | 01.31.2011 | 2:36 pm

    You need an agent. One who would tell you how much money you could make licensing this press release instead of giving it away for free.

  8. Comment by roan | 01.31.2011 | 2:37 pm

    Geez Fatty, why all the premeditative thought, what did you get caught with this time ? By the way that was quite a performance at the St George IM. All the down playing (legs sink when swimming) before the event then you exceed all expectations.
    Two names mentioned above, Dick Pound & Pat McQuaid sound so much like headliners in movies I’m not allowed to watch.

  9. Comment by skippy | 01.31.2011 | 2:47 pm

    Beautiful piece of humour, topping many items i have read recently.
    Lance is exonerated by a follow up to SI’s article recently and having raised more than $US325m i am inclined towards finding a way to vote him into a position to see that he continues his efforts to assist Cancer sufferers !
    Following skippydetour on twitter you will find my take on race radios and keep abreast of Karen’s ride to highlight the Lung Cancer problem we all face .

  10. Comment by Mike Roadie | 01.31.2011 | 2:51 pm

    Kind of reminds me of Mad Libs, and I think my completed version just implicated me in something UCI-unfriendly.

  11. Comment by NYCCarlos | 01.31.2011 | 3:47 pm

    Pj! Trollhouse cookie raffle?! I’ll buy some tickets this time around!

  12. Comment by Scott R | 01.31.2011 | 3:54 pm

    But is this a UCI-approved Press Statement? I don’t see the seal.

  13. Comment by aussie kev | 01.31.2011 | 4:25 pm

    thats so funny – and also very usable !!!


  14. Comment by ugh | 01.31.2011 | 4:35 pm

    You “made fun” of Lance in the most sycophantic ways possible. You go to his training camps for crying out loud! You’re in the cult, it isn’t a big deal.

    I am totally a troll.

  15. Comment by Bryan (not that one) | 01.31.2011 | 4:49 pm

    I’ve heard the news can also come by carrier pigeon.

  16. Comment by MattC | 01.31.2011 | 4:57 pm

    Carrier pigeon? Oh….I always thought the doping notification came in via arrow (ie: Monty Python & the Quest for the Holy Grail)….Thwack! “Message, Sire”. And if they hit the wrong guy? No big deal…he’s probably guilty too. Just make sure the notification doesn’t have a name on it. Whoever it sticks to is “it”. WADA…Wild Ass Doping Accusations.

    Oooo….a ‘message’ just came in thru my door and stuck to the wall behind me…It says “don’t make us angry. Sincerely, The Wild Ass Doping Accusations Dept.”

  17. Comment by Brett | 01.31.2011 | 5:16 pm

    Can you take a picture of the “ah-ha!” moment the next time you come up with this stuff? Maybe just a dramatic re-enactment?

  18. Comment by Dan O | 01.31.2011 | 6:11 pm

    Great post – ‘cept very close to the truth. And that ain’t so funny.

    This doping nonsense never seems to end. At this point, maybe pro cycling should just go back to token dope testing – like most mainstream sports.

    Ignorance is bliss….

  19. Comment by muskyhunter | 01.31.2011 | 7:08 pm

    Dopers suck almost as much as people who claim that someone who hasnt tested positive are dopers

  20. Comment by Andrew | 01.31.2011 | 8:35 pm

    I am starting to think this whole doping thing is becoming a cottage industry in itself. i.e. how much money is going into this from the research facilities, people employed to do the testing, UCI, WADA employees, to the number of Journalists and content creators (e.g. Landis) etc…

    For example I wonder if Landis got paid for this story to help him out of his situation quoted as being $80k in the same article?

    KanyonKris is correct – you too should get in on the bandwagon

  21. Comment by Gilbert Keith | 01.31.2011 | 10:07 pm

    Andrew, it’s customary for journals to pay those they interview, so that wouldn’t in itself bring into question Landis’ statements — speaking of whom, he clearly would have benefited from this DIY press release if it were available in 2006.

  22. Comment by Dr. Lammler | 01.31.2011 | 11:44 pm

    Or, they could just tell the truth.

    Like, “When we were climbing the mountain and his chain came off I decided to attack and I gained eight seconds and the crowd booed me and I knew it was crucial to win the Tour by a lot more than those eight seconds, and because he is better at time trials than me, I ate a steak from a cow that had a blood transfusion.”

  23. Comment by Niall in Brisbane | 01.31.2011 | 11:54 pm

    +1 KanyonKris.

    Just got one question for you Fatty re your blogs…

    What do you find more annoying:
    (a) Pingback comments; or
    (b) Continued attempts by one reader to increase his Twitter following?

  24. Comment by stuckinmypedals | 02.1.2011 | 12:00 am

    Fatty, this one had me chortling. Thanks!

  25. Comment by Jenn | 02.1.2011 | 1:32 am

    RE: #2 in your response to the first comment: By simple deductive reasoning, then, we may conclude that you do, in fact, have a man-crush on Kenny. Hey…you’re only human.

    This was a brilliant post. Too funny!

  26. Comment by Cannonball | 02.1.2011 | 2:32 am

    Could you do one of those DIY statement for me so that the next time I get pulled over for 155 in a 70 on rural I-80, I will have something better to say than, “You’ve got to be kidding me! I was going HOW fast???”

  27. Comment by Paul W | 02.1.2011 | 2:57 am

    “With your head spinning and your blood boiling …”

    WADA rules state that blood temperature should be no more than 38C; best advice is to claim swine-flu fever.

  28. Comment by You rock | 02.1.2011 | 6:36 am

    Keep making fun of Lance, you’re really keeping him honest! Everyone else should read this:

  29. Comment by Jim | 02.1.2011 | 8:10 am

    I’m glad you posted that Elden. It’s obviously humorously intended, and smart people know that, but it will come in handy soon for the 180 or so yet-to-be-named guys on Joe Papp’s client list.

    We’re currently having an open discussion in my district about whether to spring a USADA test at one of our local amateur road events – they typically have M & W classes, with 300 – 500 racers ranging from Cat 5 to Cat 1/2/3 races that usually have a handful of regional level pros and maybe a few NRC pros guesting. Joe Papp lives here and seems a decent enough reformed doper, but some of his former clients live here too, so it’s not like we can presume my area is clean. The racer reactions on the listserve are interesting – ranging from a few positives, including from the leading racer in the district who *really* dislikes dopers – to a lot of people who are happy to bitch but don’t want to do anything about it, to a lot of other people who seem to think it can’t be happening here because the stakes are relatively low. The main reaction seems to be to throw trivial objections at the concept, as if it’s a bad and unworkable idea – because, you know, it’s never been done before ergo that proves we can’t do it, etc. I don’t know what’s motivating that, and it bugs me.

    It’s as if all the recent busts of dirtbag amateurs and masters racers aren’t happening, and that it can be cured by denial or wishful thinking – as if a pile of dog crap on the sidewalk will pick itself up if only we keep stepping around it. That hasn’t been my experience in life generally but the approach seems to work okay for some people…

    I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s like the Other War on Drugs. People are really upset that it’s happening *over there* but really don’t want to pay the price to win the war *right here* and they particularly don’t want to know if one of their friends has a problem. Doping doesn’t occur in a vaccuum, and only to pros. It starts with a racing culture that tolerates it or is in denial about it being a problem.

    Individual responsibility is the starting point, but the next step in adulthood is taking responsibility for your neighborhood. I’m thinking we’re not exactly a model group of grown-ups sometimes.

  30. Comment by Eric | 02.1.2011 | 8:15 am


  31. Comment by hockeymom | 02.1.2011 | 11:28 pm

    I’m sorry Fatty. I can usually appreciate (and look forward to) the humor, but today a 30 yr old male, father, brother, son, and husband is in the hospital for yet another fever and series of blood transfusions to treat stage 4 lung cancer. I don’t want to be a downer, and it’s been awhile, but the high red blood cell comment stopped me in my tracks & I wish he was one of these guys that could create that ‘problem’ for themselves…
    Fight like Susan

  32. Comment by Richard | 02.2.2011 | 12:06 am

    You forgot to include columbian marching powder that Belgian world class sprinters seem to unknowingly insert up their noses.

  33. Comment by john | 04.25.2011 | 6:17 am

    I totally agree with you .motorcycle lawyer


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