I am a Lifetime Achiever

02.28.2011 | 10:57 am

Last night the 2011 Bloggie Awards were handed out. In years past, I’ve campaigned pretty darned relentlessly for the “Best Sports Blog” award, but since I am now The World’s Only Sports Bloggie Hall of Famer, I figured there wasn’t much point in beating you all about the head and shoulders with repeated requests to vote for me in the sole category in which I was nominated: “Lifetime Achievement.”

So I left you in peace.

And yet, you did this for me:


What does this mean, exactly? Well, it means that I’ve been blogging quite a bit longer than most bloggers. It also means that all the begging and cajoling I’ve done in years past wasn’t just annoying, it was perhaps unnecessary.

It also means that I now am entitled to refer to myself as a “beloved celebrity ultra-megastar hall-of-fame, social media, and lifetime-achievement award-winning cycling comedy blogging sensation.” And, naturally, to expect others to call me by the same term of endearment.

I am training my children on the proper sequence of words. I’m working on The Runner too, though she seems to be putting up considerable resistance, for some reason.

I assure you, however, that in spite of the almost crushing amount of fame I endure — I was very nearly recognized by someone as I purchased bread to make sandwiches for my kids’ school lunches — and number of interviews I have granted (none so far, but the morning is still quite young), I firmly resolve not to change.

At least, I will not change in any way that I don’t deserve to change.

For example, I do not intend to change how hard I race. When I go and do the Leadville 100 this year (I’ll find out whether I got in later today, although I assume I will, since I have won a Lifetime Achievement Bloggie), I will still give it everything I’ve got. However, if I don’t finish in under nine hours (for the fifteenth consecutive time), I think I’m entitled to say, “Well, perhaps I didn’t finish in my target time, but that doesn’t erase the fact that I have won a Lifetime Achievement Bloggie!

Or when someone says something snarky in the comments on my blog, I will no longer wait a full 24 hours to cool down before posting an angry and inflammatory reply. Instead, I’ll simply say, “Well, that’s an interesting point and it might have some merit if you had won a Lifetime Achievement Bloggie.

Also, I may go ahead and hire Dug as my full-time troll combatant.

Finally, I believe that — as a Lifetime Achiever — I shall begin charging appearance fees whenever I go to anywhere. I tried this for the first time last night, at the entrance to the grocery store. Specifically, I held up a cardboard sign upon which I had hand-lettered “Will appear for money.” I got arrested for panhandling.

I offered to give the cops a discount on my appearance fee at the courthouse if they would loosen the handcuffs. I guess they don’t read my blog though –probably the only ones left in the world who don’t — because they just laughed.

They are going to be so embarrassed when they find out who they mistreated this way.


  1. Comment by Mark J. | 02.28.2011 | 11:05 am

    Congrats Fatty. You deserve it.

  2. Comment by T Foster | 02.28.2011 | 11:09 am

    Maybe you can host the Oscars next year.

  3. Comment by The Cheat | 02.28.2011 | 11:31 am

    I will correct the above comments:

    Comment by Mark J. | 02.28.2011 | 11:05 am

    Congrats beloved celebrity ultra-megastar hall-of-fame, social media, and lifetime-achievement award-winning cycling comedy blogging sensation. You deserve it.

    Comment by T Foster | 02.28.2011 | 11:09 am

    Maybe you, beloved celebrity ultra-megastar hall-of-fame, social media, and lifetime-achievement award-winning cycling comedy blogging sensation, can host the Oscars next year.

  4. Comment by Paul W | 02.28.2011 | 11:35 am

    And I will correct The Cheat’s comment;

    Comment by The Cheat | 02.28.2011 | 11:31 am

    Dear beloved celebrity ultra-megastar hall-of-fame, social media, and lifetime-achievement award-winning cycling comedy blogging sensation, I will correct the above comments:

    Comment by Mark J. | 02.28.2011 | 11:05 am

    Congrats beloved celebrity ultra-megastar hall-of-fame, social media, and lifetime-achievement award-winning cycling comedy blogging sensation. You deserve it.

    Comment by T Foster | 02.28.2011 | 11:09 am

    Maybe you, beloved celebrity ultra-megastar hall-of-fame, social media, and lifetime-achievement award-winning cycling comedy blogging sensation, can host the Oscars next year.

  5. Comment by Brian V. | 02.28.2011 | 11:40 am

    You should talk with the folks over at LEOPARD TREK for the production of a proper media release with all the details on how one should/should not address you.

  6. Comment by Clydesteve | 02.28.2011 | 11:48 am

    You have been at this a long time, Fatty. (That word, Fatty is short for that other thing)….Have you noticed the AARP sidebars ads on your blog lately?

    Those really crack me up. Especially since the face model on the ad looks like a chubby aged Laura Dern.

  7. Comment by Mike Roadie | 02.28.2011 | 12:05 pm

    You are welcome!!

    And you deserve the accolades!!

    Go Fatty!!

  8. Comment by Anonymous | 02.28.2011 | 12:18 pm

    Way to go FC.

    I agree, dug would be a great troll combatant.

  9. Comment by Kathy McElhaney | 02.28.2011 | 12:20 pm

    And the voting took place BEFORE the HelmetCam guacamole tutorial. Simply amazing.


  10. Comment by bikemike | 02.28.2011 | 1:06 pm

    o.k. senior fancy pants. just remember it’s still not a red ryder carbine action two-hundred shot model air rifle with a compass in the stock and a thing which tells time.

  11. Comment by MattC | 02.28.2011 | 1:08 pm

    Mucho’s Congrato’s there mister BCU-MH-O-FSMLAWCCBS (hope you don’t mind my abbreviating your most lofty title in the interest of brevity)…and btw: I’ve noticed that the final 2 characters of said lofty-title are highly accurate…coincidence? I think not!

    The only other thing I can add is “Thank goodness it’s over”, as we will (hopefully) no longer have to endure your wimpering sad cry for votes every year. Whew!

    Maybe you can have Twin Six put this title on a shirt for you? Or maybe inside the pocket of next years Team Fatty Jersey?? It would have to be a rather large pocket though.

  12. Comment by Jamie Lindsay | 02.28.2011 | 1:12 pm

    So having Fat Tuesday named for you was not honor enough? You may soon reach the point where you resemble a General from some South American hide-a-way and nothing like a competitor at Leadville. Besides won’t the medals create a hazard in a fall?

  13. Comment by MattC | 02.28.2011 | 1:28 pm

    Actually it appears I have slandered your lofty title by leaving out some dashes and both of the comma’s…so very sorry! One more time, in it’s correct format:


  14. Comment by Microchip | 02.28.2011 | 1:29 pm

    Congrats! Funny bit about appearance fees! :^)

  15. Comment by Mike from Miles4Milestones | 02.28.2011 | 1:34 pm

    For some reason the first thing that popped into my head upon reading this post’s title was the “Are you a Lebowski Achiever” mirror from The Big Lebowski.

    Anyways… Congrats!

  16. Comment by Aunt B. | 02.28.2011 | 1:40 pm

    You will know you have finally really made it when people quit asking you for Stanley Tucci’s autograph. :D

  17. Comment by MattC | 02.28.2011 | 1:42 pm

    Or when people start asking Stanley Tucci for Fatty’s autograph.

  18. Comment by Eric L | 02.28.2011 | 1:52 pm

    Well deserved. Now that you’re BCU-MH-O-F,SM,L-AA-WCCBS, will Garmin-Cervelo give you an updated banner ad? So next is a People’s Choice Award or an MTV Award?

    In a post-guacamole world, many of us are still curious about your camera rig. Oh, do tell us what you’re using. My Flip camera has no image stabilization and my ride videos are stomach churning for all the vibration. I’d really like to know what your video rig is.

  19. Comment by roan | 02.28.2011 | 2:21 pm

    To start, congrats (to borrow from MattC) BCLL-MH-O-F,SM,L-AA-WCCBS, ZZzzzzzzzzzzzz. Sorry I fell asleep there at at end. Though I’m happy for the recognition of your achievement I’ll bristle at the “lifetime” part, you are far too young. What now ? A coffee table BOOK ?
    As to hiring dug as a full time troll combatant, PLEASE reconsider. I come from a long line of trolls in Europe and North America(from caves to under bridges). Recently known to seek out a bridge for shelter in a deluge. And I’ve been known to ‘trundle’ my bike at times.
    You are someone I ‘look’ up to for guidance and inspiration.

  20. Comment by asmathews (Alex) | 02.28.2011 | 2:24 pm


  21. Comment by roan | 02.28.2011 | 2:29 pm

    ps; I forgot to mention that upon learning of your award I decided to take the day off work as my personnal holiday in your honor.

  22. Comment by Sandy Cyclist | 02.28.2011 | 3:09 pm

    Congratulations, and the recognition is well-deserved.
    Perhaps you could reiterate those words spoken by Charlie Sheen – “I’m tired of pretending I’m not special, a rock star from Mars. People can’t figure me out, process me. I don’t expect them to. You can’t process me with a normal brain.”

  23. Comment by MattC | 02.28.2011 | 4:28 pm

    Well played Sandy Cyclist!

    I was thinking maybe charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohann would get married…they’re SO much alike. It’s all about them ya’ know. They’re both so self-absorbed that if they both got in the same room a giant black-hole might form, so powerful that not even intelligence could escape it’s grasp (actually they’re both there now).

  24. Comment by Redneck Mommy | 02.28.2011 | 6:33 pm

    Congratulations to you! I bet your mug shot is wayyy hotter than half of Hollywood’s.

  25. Comment by Dan O | 02.28.2011 | 7:09 pm

    Nice job. Well deserved…

  26. Comment by roan | 02.28.2011 | 8:44 pm

    YO, Fatty sir, since I took the day off work I brainstormed (for a troll that’s painful) but I may ahve hit upon a speaking appearance abit a distant at this timepoint, due to the next Big Cascade Bike Expo is only 2 weeks away.
    But I did notice that what’s his name (the snob from NYC) is speaking.
    With your mega star status and speaking background in front of large crowds (LiveStrong) it would really be neat to hear first hand reports of your cycling adventures. There is another person that follows your blog and you follow her’s that would make a dynamic duo at such an event as the C. Bike Expo. Hummm name dropping…Susitna 100 & Ride the Divide come to mind.
    see ya in 2012 ?

  27. Comment by Chicken #349204, Spitz Tasty Chickens Chicken Factory | 02.28.2011 | 8:57 pm

    This post was ridiculously hilarious!

    Sent from my henPhone.

  28. Comment by Colleen | 02.28.2011 | 10:34 pm

    hey fatty! just found your blog via pioneer woman and am totally loving it! i’m 25 and last fall was (right before my first 100 mile bike ride!) diagnosed with ovarian cancer…so i like your blog for lots of reasons. my chemo is over and thanks to the ‘roids (or so i keep telling myself) i’m a bit of a fatty myself. i’ll be back on my bike soon and will be counting on your blog to keep me motivated and laughing. thanks!

  29. Comment by Stephanie T | 02.28.2011 | 10:55 pm

    Congrats Fatty and OMG…….Chicken #349204……..Hahahahahaha

  30. Comment by Squirrelhead | 02.28.2011 | 11:06 pm

    Congratulations Fatty! It was a well deserved award. Sadly I have already used up too much space in my brain so until they come up with external storage space I am going to be unable to remember your lofty new title.

  31. Comment by KanyonKris | 02.28.2011 | 11:26 pm

    My most sincere congratulations, Dear Leader.

  32. Comment by UltraRob | 02.28.2011 | 11:46 pm

    Congratulations Fatty! I haven’t even been nominated for a Bloggie Award let alone won a Lifetime Achievement Award. Of course that’s no surprise since I’m not nearly as witty.

    Well at least I’ve finished Leadville in under 9 hours. Tonight I found out I get to try proving I can still at least finish it after failing at the last 2 attempts.

  33. Comment by davidh-marin,ca | 03.1.2011 | 12:59 am

    Comment by Eric L | 02.28.2011 | 1:52 pm

    Eric, unfortunately an ABC/XYZ Superstar like Fatty may be tied up for awhile with interviews, or his family, as tries to teach the proper order of his title. In the meantime you can see his helmet cam here(which he paid for on amazon):


    Congrats Fatty on this well deserved award. I will bring an extra pie for you at Davis.

  34. Comment by Nom | 03.1.2011 | 2:55 am

    I was reminded today of the Random Reviewer blog which I really enjoyed. What happened to your commitment to review everything?

    Well done on your award though.

  35. Comment by Mark Kynaston | 03.1.2011 | 3:26 am


    Congrats. It is self eveident from your post that this fames thing will not go to your head!


    PS – Have you adjusted your helemts to accomodate your swelling head?

    PPS – Remind me not to say or write anything that would upset Dug! And on that note please strike the previous PS

  36. Comment by Mandy | 03.1.2011 | 7:19 am

    Awesome Fatty, congrats. Very much deserved.

  37. Comment by The Cheat | 03.1.2011 | 11:33 am


  38. Comment by Heidi Ferrer | 03.1.2011 | 7:19 pm

    Ha ha genuine hahaha! New fan.

  39. Comment by Andrew | 03.2.2011 | 4:42 am

    Congratulations, well done – You’ve been entertaining me for years.. And if you follow lance’s trend when interest starts to wain you could announce your retirement – go through comeback 1.0.. stir up the bloggers amongst us and then retire again, only to come back again…

    Anyway have a read of this..

    It’s great to see something positive written about lance – have a read.


    I to am a Lance Fan..

    Apologies Fatty if the last part doesn’t relate to the post. Again congratulations – do they give you something to put in your banner? Maybe we should see an icon appear on next years fatcyclist gear.




Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.