Last night the 2011 Bloggie Awards were handed out. In years past, I’ve campaigned pretty darned relentlessly for the “Best Sports Blog” award, but since I am now The World’s Only Sports Bloggie Hall of Famer, I figured there wasn’t much point in beating you all about the head and shoulders with repeated requests to vote for me in the sole category in which I was nominated: “Lifetime Achievement.”
So I left you in peace.
And yet, you did this for me:
What does this mean, exactly? Well, it means that I’ve been blogging quite a bit longer than most bloggers. It also means that all the begging and cajoling I’ve done in years past wasn’t just annoying, it was perhaps unnecessary.
It also means that I now am entitled to refer to myself as a “beloved celebrity ultra-megastar hall-of-fame, social media, and lifetime-achievement award-winning cycling comedy blogging sensation.” And, naturally, to expect others to call me by the same term of endearment.
I am training my children on the proper sequence of words. I’m working on The Runner too, though she seems to be putting up considerable resistance, for some reason.
I assure you, however, that in spite of the almost crushing amount of fame I endure — I was very nearly recognized by someone as I purchased bread to make sandwiches for my kids’ school lunches — and number of interviews I have granted (none so far, but the morning is still quite young), I firmly resolve not to change.
At least, I will not change in any way that I don’t deserve to change.
For example, I do not intend to change how hard I race. When I go and do the Leadville 100 this year (I’ll find out whether I got in later today, although I assume I will, since I have won a Lifetime Achievement Bloggie), I will still give it everything I’ve got. However, if I don’t finish in under nine hours (for the fifteenth consecutive time), I think I’m entitled to say, “Well, perhaps I didn’t finish in my target time, but that doesn’t erase the fact that I have won a Lifetime Achievement Bloggie!
Or when someone says something snarky in the comments on my blog, I will no longer wait a full 24 hours to cool down before posting an angry and inflammatory reply. Instead, I’ll simply say, “Well, that’s an interesting point and it might have some merit if you had won a Lifetime Achievement Bloggie.
Also, I may go ahead and hire Dug as my full-time troll combatant.
Finally, I believe that — as a Lifetime Achiever — I shall begin charging appearance fees whenever I go to anywhere. I tried this for the first time last night, at the entrance to the grocery store. Specifically, I held up a cardboard sign upon which I had hand-lettered “Will appear for money.” I got arrested for panhandling.
I offered to give the cops a discount on my appearance fee at the courthouse if they would loosen the handcuffs. I guess they don’t read my blog though –probably the only ones left in the world who don’t — because they just laughed.
They are going to be so embarrassed when they find out who they mistreated this way.