How to Lose Friends and Alienate Your Family

05.10.2011 | 12:36 pm

A Note from Fatty About a Cool Way to Do (or Just Watch) Your 100 Miles of Nowhere: NYC Carlos, one of the most awesome Friends of Fatty, has taken out a Parks permit and rented the Kissena Velodrome from the City of NY, June 5th, 8am – 5pm for anyone in the area who wants to be join him and some of the Philly Fatties for 100 miles of Nowhere. And if you’re not riding the 100MoN, they’d appreciate spectators too.

201105101226.jpg I’m a very lucky person. I’ve got a wonderful wife and great friends, and we all like doing the same kinds of things (biking and eating, not necessarily in that order). In particular, The Runner and I ride and hang out a lot with Kenny and Heather. After all, all four of us ride, both mountain and road. The Runner and Heather are both medical professionals. Kenny and I are both bald and very, very handsome.

Really, the four of us have a fantastic friendship.

So it’s a shame that, just a few short weeks from now, we’re all going to learn to deeply loathe each other.


Because, on June 10-11, we’re signed up to race The Rockwell Relay: Moab to St. George together.

Oh, you don’t understand why I think this race will demolish our friendship? Allow me to explain.

201105101035.jpg Meet The Rockwell Relay

The Rockwell Relay: Moab to St. George (which I’m just going to call the Rockwell Relay from now on) is a four-person, 516-mile relay race from Moab to St. George, Utah, from June 10 through June 11. While one teammate bikes to the next checkpoint, the other three carpool to that checkpoint and wait for the baton handoff.

Which means, essentially, that each of us will get three turns at biking around 45 miles, while spending the balance of the 30+-hour race in a minivan with the other racers on our team (Team Fatty, natch), under the stress of race conditions, fatigue, the cascading stench of multiple riders and their increasingly stinky gear and selves, and — this is the biggy –sleep deprivation.

What could possibly go wrong?

Honestly, though, I’m really very excited to do this race. For one thing, while I’ve done endurance relays before — the 24 Hours of Moab — those relays are always around and around and around and around in a circle. This race, on the other hand, will take us from one cycling Mecca to another, and — at least during daylight hours — we’ll get to see some parts of Utah I’ve never seen before.

And since we’ll be racing in what I assume is the relatively obscure “Coed 140″ category (where the combined age of all racers is between 140 and 199 [176 in our case]), we may in fact have a pretty decent chance of owning our category.

Our Race Strategy

Really, our strategy for this race is simple: Have Kenny go out first to build up a nice, big lead. Then the remaining three of us will slowly let that lead erode over the course of our turns…until it’s Kenny’s turn again. Then he’ll get to build that lead back up.

Rinse and repeat. Three times. Simple!

Actually, we’re still discussing what order we should do the relay. Here are the stats for the distance and climbing each racer will do over the course of our three turns:


So, yeah, Kenny will probably go first, because he’s the fastest and strongest climber — true even though he rides this incredibly heavy, single-speed road bike that is geared way too high.

I’m likely to be Cyclist 2, mainly because I’m densely packed (i.e., fat) for my height and therefore build a ton of momentum on the downhills and can knock smaller objects (i.e., other riders) out of my path once I get a head of steam.

The Runner’s probably going to be Cyclist 3, because she is a TT machine and can rip the legs off anyone on long, gradual climbs, the flats, and on descents.

And Heather’s probably going to be Cyclist 4, because she’s happy to do whatever.

Of course, that’s just our on-bike strategy. Our in-van strategy is equally important, and consists of the following sacred rules:

  • One must always roll down the window prior to farting. This is rule #1 and cannot be violated.
  • Treats must always be shared.
  • Nighttime hours are quiet hours. Unless the conversation is interesting. Or the song playing on the radio is really good and has to be cranked loud to really be enjoyed.
  • No snoring. I’m looking at you here, Kenny.
  • No peeking. Hey, we’ve all got to take turns changing, and a lot of those changes are going to happen in the back of the van. So all eyes forward during these changes. I’m looking at you here, Kenny. But not literally.

As team captain, I also reserve the right to create additional rules on the spot.

Things About Me I Expect Will Start to Grate on My Fellow Racers

As a beloved and award-winning hall of fame cycling blog megasuperduperstar, I of course am a pleasure to be with. Always. And yet, I can’t help but worry that some of my charming mannerisms might start to irritate my teammates after they’ve been in a van with me for 25 hours or so. These behaviors include (but are not limited to):

  • Suddenly falling asleep while driving.
  • Singing very loudly to keep myself awake while driving
  • Yodeling to keep myself awake while driving. This is extremely effective and I wonder why so few people do it.
  • Needing to pee every twenty minutes.
  • Sleeptalking
  • Accusing others of farting when I am in fact the culprit
  • The “pull my finger” gambit. I’m just kidding, of course, because that joke never gets old.
  • Chewing with my mouth full. Oddly, this behavior grosses me out in others, but doesn’t bother me at all when I do it myself.
  • Suddenly bursting into tears when fatigued.
  • Eating Funyuns. I love Funyuns, and can’t understand why anyone would think they’re an incredibly stinky snack.
  • Smelliness. I’m just kidding here, again. My sweat doesn’t smell. At all. And I certainly don’t start to stink after I’ve been sitting in dank, sweaty clothes for hours.

201105101224.jpg Hey, Come Ride the Relay With Us, and Get Free Stuff

Are you local? Maybe even just kinda local? As in, maybe you live in the Western half of the U.S.? If you are, why don’t you alienate some of your friends and/or family and register, too? Then we could hang out together at some remote checkpoint in the middle of the night as we wait for our respective teammates to roll in. That would be awesome.

Oh, but there’s more. If you register a team and answer the “Did someone refer you to the Rockwell Relay” question with “Fat Cyclist,” everyone on your team will get a free pair of Rockwell Relay socks, not to mention a free Mexican dinner at the Torrey, Utah checkpoint. That should make the ensuing several hours in your team van more entertaining, right?

Plus, $20 out of every person’s registration fee goes to teamgive, a charity to raise awareness and funds for the treatment of rare neurological diseases in children.

And in conclusion, I’m really looking forward to racing the Rockwell Relay, and regret in advance destroying the good relationship I have with my teammates.

PS: Tomorrow’s the last day you can enter the contest to win a Pereira custom SS 29er and a trip to Portland to get fitted for the bike, not to mention help Jeff Bates in his fight against cancer. Click here for details, or buy your ticket directly here:


  1. Comment by NYCCarlos | 05.10.2011 | 12:49 pm

    Thanks for posting about 100MoN NYC, Fatty!

    To those interested in joining us-
    If you’re on facebook, you can RSVP here:!/event.php?eid=189919411050463

    We’d love to have you!

  2. Comment by Lisa | 05.10.2011 | 12:51 pm

    Wow! This sounds like the Hood to Coast Relay I ran last year…but on a bike! Way cool!

  3. Comment by NYCCarlos | 05.10.2011 | 12:57 pm

    Fatty, how much do you weigh today?

    170.8. I swear, I am STUCK. And if I don’t break through soon, I am SCREWED. – FC

  4. Comment by Clydesteve | 05.10.2011 | 1:18 pm

    Seriously? You yodel to keep awake? I do too!

    But it makes my wife nervous because she thinks it means I am going to fall asleep while driving. I keep telling her: “No, this means I am not falling asleep – It is when I stop ydeling, and making funny faces, and sticking my head out the window that you need to worry.”

  5. Comment by charlene | 05.10.2011 | 1:50 pm

    Another rule. Put your stinky socks into a ziploc baggie to help with the stench.

    I do a relay from Portland to Coast or as more famously known as Hood to Coast. there is something insane about doing this when you realize when woman can smell as bad as men.

  6. Comment by James | 05.10.2011 | 1:59 pm

    Ok that was a great post. Please please please take a video camera, get lots of footage, edit it down and post it on youtube. Guaranteed to go viral. I look forward to the updates, this sounds like fun. In a seriously warped, demented kinda way.

  7. Comment by bikemike | 05.10.2011 | 2:17 pm

    alienation is a grossly misunderstood and highly underrated talent. i practice it as often as possible. see, i’m doing it now.

  8. Comment by Maggi | 05.10.2011 | 2:21 pm

    Fatty, just one suggestion– get someone who is NOT riding to drive for y’all. Seriously, trust me on this! You will all be happier — and safer. You are allowed to have support crew; if you’re not going to have a crew, at least have a driver. I am sure at least one of your friends is dedicated/crazy/dumb/gullible enough to drive this for you folks.

    Also, if people don’t want to drive up to the NYC area, I will be in Philly to pedal my ass off on Sunday, June 5 … on Lemon Hill in Fairmount Park, with an excellent view of approximately 180 professional cyclists competing in the US Pro Cycling tour. There will be a few other members of the team there with the sole intent of drinking, having fun, eating awesome food and entertaining / goading / making fun of me, plus there will be crazy amounts of baked goods. Because we’re Team Fatty, and that’s how we ROLL.

    Except for when we’re on our trainers, rolling nowhere at all. Ahem.

  9. Comment by Arizona Guy | 05.10.2011 | 3:05 pm

    Fatty -

    I think you need to prepare yourself for the following situation.

    Heather will be riding, you will be driving, Kenny will be getting ready to take his next shift. While changing, he will notice a wicked saddle sore forming, but conveniently, there is a health care professional RIGHT NEXT TO HIM. Being comfortable with all manner of yucky things, Lisa will offer to take a look at Kenny’s chaffed ass, and proscribe a good slathering of DZnutz.

    This is the point you will take a break from yodeling and check the rear view mirror and see your sweet wife rubbing lotion on Kenny’s bare ass…all with the perfectly innocent objective of winning the race and keeping the, um, stud, on your team in tip top condition.

    Please do not drive off the road, as I occasionally get a laugh from your site.

  10. Comment by Eric L | 05.10.2011 | 3:08 pm

    You yodel Fatty?!?!! Like honest to God Kerry Christiansen yodeling?

    You should make a video of you singing the Chicken Yodel song and make us donate $$ to be able to watch it.

    I know I’d cough up some dough.

    To lose those last few pounds you should annoint The Runner as your “trainer” and give her a long handled metal spatula like the in movie Run Fatboy Run.

    When she’s trained you so hard you can no longer sit…

    I’m just sayin’…desperate times…

  11. Comment by Charlie | 05.10.2011 | 3:08 pm

    Better to chew with your mouth full instead of empty – unless you’re on your weight reduction plan…

  12. Comment by Heather G | 05.10.2011 | 3:48 pm

    Forecast for June 10th, AM: clear skies with sunshine and rainbow-swathed enthusiasm filling the air with dreams of non-denominational world peace and harmony for all living creatures. PM: Heavy insomnia & scattered thoughts with only partial lucidity. Chance of left knee twinge, 30%. Chance of Kenny snoring, 90%. Low around 3am. June 11th: prolonged, repetitive, lower extremity circular movements continue into the early morning hours with increasing Funyan resentment and decreasing happiness to do whatever. 70% chance of pre-dawn hostility and occasional burst of tears.
    S’gonna be fun :)

  13. Comment by Mike | 05.10.2011 | 4:00 pm

    you probably already know this, but your bald head jumps out in a huge photo of the start of Levi’s fondo in the latest bicycling. You are THE ONLY rider lined up with no helmet on. Knew who it was immediately. Pretty funny.

  14. Comment by Ross Walker | 05.10.2011 | 5:10 pm

    My wife and I are signed up to! See you there!!

  15. Comment by Jenni | 05.10.2011 | 6:34 pm

    100 Miles of Nowhere will not just include PHILLY Fatties, AHEM. There’s a handful of us in New Yawk too, yo’ like whatsamattawitchew?

    Please please come out to Kissena. Spectators, support, guitar players, film crew…we need everything!

    It will take 403 laps to reach 100 miles. I bet if someone brings a really big knock-knock joke book at each pass we have one part exchange, the time will really fly by!

  16. Comment by Jenni | 05.10.2011 | 6:34 pm

    (technically of course I’m in New Joisey but don’t tell anyone)

  17. Comment by Duncan Gray | 05.11.2011 | 1:22 am

    Yodelling whilst driving sounds alarming for the passengers. If their attention has drifted and you strike up a yodel, there is going to be a moment when they do not know if you are “singing” to stay awake or screaming at an imminent disaster. That is not going to be nice, and it will get worse when they realise that the yodeler is in the driving seat and the noise is not going to stop.

  18. Comment by MattC | 05.11.2011 | 7:32 am

    I don’t know Fatty, but it sounds like your weight-loss scheme is going perfectly according to plan (mine I mean, as I tossed a few bucks on your page). The Rockwell relay sounds like a blast, in a ‘lots of fun at the beginning but totally ready for it to be over’ at the end kind of way.

  19. Comment by GJ Jackie | 05.11.2011 | 9:03 am

    RV’s are the best way to get real rest during this kinda race.

    Can anyone out there lend an RV to Fatty?

  20. Comment by Maggi | 05.11.2011 | 9:35 am

    Jenni, it doesn’t matter where you actually LIVE — Team Fatty Philly has laid claim to you! Your ours, and you aren’t getting away from us. Muahahahaha!

    [PS. How awesome do you think our legs are gonna feel a week AFTER 100MoN, when we have to run the Warrior Dash?]

  21. Comment by Maggi | 05.11.2011 | 9:36 am

    Holy cow. Not “Your”, but “You’re”. Argh!

  22. Comment by XgoodlifeX | 05.11.2011 | 10:59 am

    Some friends and I raced the HooDoo 500 that starts in St. George a few years ago. Climbing up Cedar Breaks as the sun was coming up the other side was the most amazing experience ever.

  23. Comment by Rodzilla | 05.13.2011 | 3:40 pm

    Hey Fatty,

    Local blog reader / creator enthusiast here. Love following your stuff….

    I would have totally went your route on the race referral but we are already signed up. If you want to contact me, I would be happy to buy a pair of socks and donate the $$ to your charity.

    PS To the other readers, I have a biped friend, runner who does a lot of Ragnar races, he swears by diaper pale deodorizers. I am also a big fan of Febreze.

    Is it legal to have 2 grown men sleeping in the bed of a truck, one driver who is working of 2hrs sleep in the last 48 hours and finally a rider who is descending 10% in the pitch black west desert?

    Well look for the Team Sons of Perdition*

    PS note, there will be no applications of DZnuts in the truck, that stuff will rote through leather seats in a hurry.

  24. Comment by Danielle | 05.17.2011 | 10:37 pm

    Do girls have to employ the “roll down window prior to farting” rule??? :)

  25. Comment by dvhansen | 05.18.2011 | 4:16 pm

    Going to be there!! we just finalized our team and our excited to be there. i love following the posts so it’d be great to meet you at the start/finish…is there a way you can organize a spot for all the Team Fatty followers to meet you and the the Runner? thanks for all the posts – love ‘em…

  26. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » 100MoN Race Report #14: Fatty’s Suncrest Century | 06.9.2011 | 10:23 am

    [...] check your email). I’d be doing it sooner, but I’m going to be off the grid, racing the Rockwell Relay (check the blog Friday and Saturday; I’ll post short updates when I have signal) with The [...]

  27. Comment by Kristina the Troll (was Bob) | 06.9.2011 | 7:29 pm

    Heather G,
    Why specifically non-denominational world peace?

    Today, apparently, Kristina the Troll feels like a Bob, and has a question about whether world peace should be denominational. Not her finest work. – FC


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