The Best Thing About Being a Very Important Person

05.20.2011 | 11:11 am

Hey, you know what I’m going to do tomorrow? I’m going to run a marathon!

Yeah, I really am.

I can see by the expression on your face (I’ve remotely enabled your webcam and can see you right now) that you are surprised by this fact. And you should be surprised, because I have not mentioned this fact in this blog until right now.

Why haven’t I?

Well, because I don’t expect to do very well, mostly. In fact, I don’t plan to do well at all. In even more fact, I’ll go ahead and get explicit and say that I haven’t run more than eight or nine miles at a stretch since the NYC marathon and haven’t trained for the Ogden Marathon at all, really.

Nevertheless, this race is very important, and I am a very important person in it.

I shall now explain why.

Why This Race is Important

While I personally haven’t trained for the Ogden Marathon, it’s been the main thing The Runner has been thinking about for months. She’s trained hard for it, even through a painful hip injury. She’s been thinking (and dreaming) about it.

This race matters to her.

Why? Because The Runner is hoping to qualify for next year’s Boston Marathon tomorrow. Which means she needs to run it in 3:50 or less.

“So what,” I can see you ask (because, as I have mentioned, I am watching you right now), “Are her chances of qualifying?”

Well, the short version is: pretty darned good. Indeed, it is my personal opinion (which is based on how I’ve observed her running condition in the past and present, as well her recent marathon finishing times [when she wasn't dragging me along, that is]) that she’ll finish in about 3:40 with a nice little ten minute buffer for potty breaks.

If her hip doesn’t bother her.

And if the weather is good as the forecast says it should be (it currently looks like Saturday will be the first sunny day in forever here, as well as the last sunny day for forever).

And if everything else goes right.

Basically, I’d say that The Runner has done everything she needs to. if she has a good day tomorrow, she’s going to Boston.

I, on the other hand, will feel quite pleased with myself if I can finish this particular marathon in fewer than five hours.

Why I Am A Very Important Person

If you were to come root for The Runner and me at the Ogden Marathon tomorrow, you would notice that our race bibs show our numbers as being “VIP-29″ (hers) and “VIP-30″ (mine).

“VIP,” I’d like to point out, stands for “Very Important Person.”

I can see (you know why) that you are wondering how it is that the race officials came to recognize us as being the Very Important People we are.

Is it because I am a very famous, beloved, and award-winning blogger? No, surprisingly that is not the reason.

The reason is because I am an oaf.

A long time ago, I took on the responsibility to get both The Runner and me registered for this marathon. I took note of the day registration opened, with the full intent of registering the moment it is possible to register.

And then — because I am, as I have recently mentioned, an oaf — I failed to get us registered in time. By the time I got online, all the regular race slots had filled up.

“That’s OK,” The Runner said, in a voice that told me she was really doing her best to believe that it was OK.

Which was pretty much the time I discovered: there were still VIP slots available. “Well, that’s awesome, because I am very self-important,” I thought to myself, and went to register.

As it turns out, in this case “VIP” simply means, “willing to spend four times as much money on registering as people who signed up for the race on time.”

Supply and demand, baby. Can’t argue with market dynamics. Can’t be a capitalist only when it works in your favor.

And in short, I signed us up.

The Best Thing About Being a Very Important Person

There are actually very many nice things about being a VIP at the Ogden Marathon. For example, we have access to the VIP packet pick-up, which means we don’t have to wait in a line. [Value: $0.20]

We get to ride in a nicer bus — that leaves later than the other buses — to the starting line, which means less waiting around and a more comfortable place for us to fret about the race (i.e., we’ll both be fretting about her race). [Value: $3.50]

We get a nice tent to hang out after the race, which means The Runner will have a nice place to wait for an hour and a half (all times approximate) for me to finally cross the line. [Value: $7.80]

We even get a massage. [Value: $15.00]

But none of those things are the best thing about being a VIP at this race. The very, very, very best thing about being a VIP tomorrow will be that there will be VIP porta-potties at the starting line.

Yep, while most folks have to wait for twenty other people to finish their business, The Runner and I will be able to just waltz (not literally) right up to the porta-potties and do what we gotta do. Which, in my case, is take a Very Important Poop. [Value: $210.99]

The Worst Thing About Being Me

I expect very good arguments could be made about which of very many of my characteristics are the worst. This is not the time for those arguments (nor will any such time be provided, ever).

However, tomorrow, the worst thing about being me will be that, 3:50 after the race begins, The Runner either will or will not have qualified for the Boston Marathon — something that matters to her — and I will not know which it is, for about another hour and change (or two hours and change, if I suck as bad as I might).  

So, it’s entirely possible that you might find out — using clever Internetty methods and Twitter and such — how The Runner does in the race before I do.

Which doesn’t seem fair at all.

In any case, I’ll post our times tomorrow as soon as I am able (i.e., lucid).

Meanwhile, if you’d be so kind, take a moment and wish The Runner good luck in qualifying for Boston.


  1. Comment by m burdge | 05.20.2011 | 11:20 am

    good luck to the Runner from Vancouver Island!
    Michael Burdge

  2. Comment by RandoBoy | 05.20.2011 | 11:23 am

    Runner: Good luck.

    Fatty: You’re on oaf.

  3. Comment by Maggi | 05.20.2011 | 11:26 am

    Good luck to your lovely Runner! I’m sure that, with her determination and hard work, she will kill her qualifying time. Rock on!

    And good luck to you, too, Fatty – who knows, maybe you’ll surprise yourself!

  4. Comment by briebecca | 05.20.2011 | 11:28 am

    Good luck, Runner! Kick some Ogden butt!!

    Fatty- it will be painful! But try to be light on your feet as possible with quick footing… kinda like spinning at 100 rpm.

  5. Comment by chtrich | 05.20.2011 | 11:28 am

    Boston creme filled…..mmmmmmmm

  6. Comment by Steph | 05.20.2011 | 11:30 am

    Good Luck Runner! We will be pulling for you!

    VIP potties! Oafishness has its privileges.

  7. Comment by Sandra | 05.20.2011 | 11:37 am

    Hey Runner Good Luck From Here is Boston..!!!!

  8. Comment by RunFasterMommy | 05.20.2011 | 11:38 am

    GOOD LUCK to the Runner from Myrtle Beach SC! Get that BQ!!

  9. Comment by Jake | 05.20.2011 | 11:39 am

    Best of luck from the land down under!! (the land down under Utah that is (AZ)) Hope it goes well!

  10. Comment by Steve | 05.20.2011 | 11:39 am

    You left out the cost of “The Very Expensive and Special Present” you would have to buy the Runner to make up for your oafishness from your estimate.

    Good Luck Runner

  11. Comment by Dan O | 05.20.2011 | 11:41 am

    Good Luck Runner. Fatty, run faster so she doesn’t have to wait too long for you!


  12. Comment by Dan O | 05.20.2011 | 11:48 am

    Enjoy that Very Important Poop….

    Good luck to the Runner. I think she’ll pull it off and we’ll be reading about pooping in Boston.

  13. Comment by Dan O | 05.20.2011 | 11:48 am

    Hey – two Dan Os….

    I’m the real one.

  14. Comment by Dale | 05.20.2011 | 11:51 am

    Good luck Runner. And Fatty, be sure to load up on lots of carbs for the race… the added benefit being you might not lose all your weight by June 1 and I’ll win your bike. (ouch… no I’m really hoping you achieve your goal, I just… well that’s a really sweet bike, what do you want from me?”

  15. Comment by Zeeeter | 05.20.2011 | 11:56 am

    Good luck Runner, no problemo!

    I have to believe that running the marathon has gotta help you with the weight loss Fatty!


  16. Comment by hannah | 05.20.2011 | 11:57 am

    Good luck to The Runner! Here’s sending you lots of happy hip vibes and fleet-footed wishes from the Twin Cities!

  17. Comment by Hautacam | 05.20.2011 | 12:00 pm

    Go, Runner! Pick ‘em up and put ‘em down! Right foot — left foot — repeat!

    Fatty: maybe you should take your helmet, phone, and tunebug, so you can listen to music during the run and then the Runner can call you from the finish line. Plus it’d be awesome to see someone run a whole marathon in a bike helmet, and it would totally confuse the other runners. I think you should put the cameras on the helmet too so you can capture their doubletakes as you run by.

  18. Comment by Jeff | 05.20.2011 | 12:03 pm

    Does Ogden have text-alerts? At the Pittsburgh Marathon I had text alerts sent to my wife so she’d see how I was doing at 10K, halfway, 20 miles and the finish. If you’re willing to carry your phone with you, that could work.

  19. Comment by NYCCarlos | 05.20.2011 | 12:05 pm

    Good Luck Runner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  20. Comment by Rick | 05.20.2011 | 12:06 pm

    Go runner go! ding da ding ding ding ding da dong ding ding dang da ding ding ding (imaginary cowbell)

  21. Comment by Joe | 05.20.2011 | 12:10 pm

    As long as you don’t gorge too heavily afterward this will also help you reach your weight loss goal and keep your dream bike.

    Best of luck to The Runner!

  22. Comment by bikemike | 05.20.2011 | 12:17 pm

    you are aware of the pending apocalypse tomorrow, aren’t you?

  23. Comment by Hergules | 05.20.2011 | 12:22 pm

    Hey – I hear the landslides on Rt 39 will add an addition challenge to the runners…. maybe the superfly would be more appropriate than the Nikes for this event.

    But seriously… good luck to the Runner. Everyone needs to run Boston at least once (then they can retire to less dangerous sports like downhill 4-cross)

  24. Comment by Franky | 05.20.2011 | 12:22 pm

    Runner, best of luck! And Fatty, just imagine how much weight you are going to lose. Just stay away from the large lunch you surly will crave afterward.

  25. Comment by Liz | 05.20.2011 | 12:31 pm

    Good luck Runner!!

    Elden, if you are slow enough, I bet they will have some kind of wireless devices on the sweep van, so maybe they can give you updates on her progress.

  26. Comment by Shane | 05.20.2011 | 12:38 pm

    Good luck to the runner (and you)! You know you get farther, faster on a bike, right?

  27. Comment by Beth B | 05.20.2011 | 12:41 pm

    Good luck Runner – sounds like you are ready – like the saying goes, you’ve planned your run, now run your plan!! Can’t wait to hear how it all goes down! Good luck to Fatty too!!

  28. Comment by Kevin M | 05.20.2011 | 12:47 pm

    Good Luck Runner!!! You are going to do amazing. Fatty good luck to you also…but in a different way! Here’s to doing a marathon with basically no training!!!

  29. Comment by 3d brian | 05.20.2011 | 12:52 pm

    Good luck Lisa!

    Fatty, I couldn’t understand your valuations of services because you excluded the conversion to currencies with which I am more familiar.

    Surely there was some value of it giving you something to blog about?

  30. Comment by Adventure Nell | 05.20.2011 | 12:52 pm

    Good Luck Runner!!! May the wind be at your back, the water stops perfectly placed and snacks o’plenty waiting for you at the finish line :)

  31. Comment by Dan | 05.20.2011 | 1:04 pm

    Good luck Runner. You should be well rested by the time Fatty arrives.

  32. Comment by Bridget in Minnesota | 05.20.2011 | 1:08 pm

    Good luck, The Runner!

    I’ll be thinking of both of you while I am NOT running.

  33. Comment by Jenni | 05.20.2011 | 1:36 pm

    Reading about all this running has me set to take a nap.

    Runner: GOOD LUCK!!!!!
    Fatty: Sleep in!!!

  34. Comment by Roger Whitney | 05.20.2011 | 1:36 pm

    YO RUNNER> YES I wish you good luck (though I doubt you will need it). Remember that once you qualify and Fatty FINALLY reaches the finish line, the day is about how YOU achived your goal. Don’t let Fatty, the VSIP (very self important person) make it about HIM. As many of us know his ego can suck the life out one’s accomplishment as he goes on and on and on and on about his “race report”.

    Bless you Runner and have a wonderful race.

  35. Comment by Mark | 05.20.2011 | 2:27 pm

    Best of luck to the runner!!
    Come to Boston!!

    - Boston Mark!

  36. Comment by lorianne | 05.20.2011 | 2:36 pm

    Good luck Runner!

  37. Comment by HeidiR | 05.20.2011 | 2:42 pm

    Good luck, Runner!! I believe you will be Boston- bound!

  38. Comment by Jo | 05.20.2011 | 2:43 pm

    Good luck to both of you. Run fast Runner!

  39. Comment by Sunny | 05.20.2011 | 2:55 pm

    What a great husband – sacrifice the $$$ – to make your wife happy! I like that. Good luck to all.

  40. Comment by Jesse | 05.20.2011 | 3:04 pm

    Good luck Runner!!!

    I am cracking up over “very self-important,” thanks for the laughs!

  41. Comment by Bryan (not that one) | 05.20.2011 | 3:04 pm

    Good luck, Runner!

    Fatty, I thought for certain you were going to say the VIP perks included some better after-event food than the gruel the commoners will be served.

  42. Comment by Paul | 05.20.2011 | 3:18 pm

    Dear Runner,
    You will run even better then expected, as most do when they’ve trained hard for a race!

    Dear Fatty,
    You will definitely do better then a 5.5 hour marathon. If you are a VIC (very important cyclist), which you seem to be, your “cardiovascular fitness level [must be] right up there with lance” to quote Performance by MC Spandex. I forsee you running 26.2 miles in under 5 hours.

    Further, I feel your pain. I have a tri tomorrow and I have barely trained for it at all. and by barely, I rode my bike once in the last 2 weeks and did a little swimming a while back. Oh yeah, I ran too, about the same time. SO, how about we just think of each other when we’re in terrible pain and thinking to ourselves “why the heck did I sign up for this?”

  43. Comment by AJ | 05.20.2011 | 3:19 pm

    Good luck to the Runner! Enjoy the gorgeous fast course!

  44. Comment by JodieA | 05.20.2011 | 3:21 pm

    Good luck, Lisa! And good luck to you, too Fatty. May you have a tailwind on your run that makes things just a little easier. On to Boston!

  45. Comment by Jen Frank | 05.20.2011 | 3:29 pm

    Good luck to the Runner!! I’ll be sending positive thoughts from Chicago tomorrow morning!
    P.S. That VIP line to the porta- potty is worth every penny!

  46. Comment by Jacob | 05.20.2011 | 3:38 pm

    I call shenanigans! You didn’t mention a marathon in your weight loss bike giveaway. That’s cheating. I still would have donated, but it’s fun to call shenanigans.

  47. Comment by Patricia | 05.20.2011 | 3:41 pm

    Good luck to the Runner tomorrow. Run. Fast. Enough!

  48. Comment by Ian | 05.20.2011 | 5:27 pm

    good luck both of you. Especially with your $15 massage.

  49. Comment by Cyclin' Missy | 05.20.2011 | 5:49 pm

    Gooooooood luck, Runner! And go, Fatty, too.

  50. Comment by LesleyG | 05.20.2011 | 6:15 pm

    Very Important Poops are priceless.

    Good luck to The Runner and Fatty for a BQ and survival, respectively.

  51. Comment by Stealth Marathon! | 05.20.2011 | 6:28 pm

    Run, Lisa, Run! Run, Lisa, Run!

    Fatty, do you expect your weight to go up or down after the marathon? I’m betting on UP!!!! as you pig out on energy gels and Gatorade then finish with 2 large Fish Tacos and 3 kinds of pie (Pie…mmmmmmmm)

  52. Comment by Laura | 05.20.2011 | 8:03 pm

    Good luck!!!

    Run, then run some more, and oh, that’s right, run!


  53. Comment by Eric | 05.20.2011 | 8:05 pm

    Good luck Runner. Fair winds Fatty.

  54. Comment by Mayhemnsuz | 05.20.2011 | 9:03 pm

    Good luck to The Runner from Washington, DC!!!

  55. Comment by Greg T | 05.20.2011 | 9:32 pm

    Best wishes to both VIPs – the money will be well spent – Make us 5 hour people proud – 4:59!!!

  56. Comment by lynn e | 05.20.2011 | 9:35 pm

    Carpe Diem Runner.

    Fatty, a wise man once said, “I’ve never seen a happy runner or a happy runner….”

  57. Comment by lynn e | 05.20.2011 | 9:36 pm

    ahem, “a runner who is happy.”

    That is all.

  58. Comment by roan | 05.20.2011 | 9:43 pm

    The Best of Times, Runner. Don’t worry about Fatty. Just imagine The Boston M with your own DNF oafish man-servant. Ya know, the word oafish bothers me…some sorta Hawaiian seafood dish.
    We all know Fatty has a big heart, I’ll bet you have a bigger one.

  59. Comment by Obstinate Roadie | 05.20.2011 | 10:27 pm

    After you finish, reward yourself with several banana splits, a dozen donuts, 3 whole pizzas, and as many bratwurst as you can eat. As you know, running burns many more calories than cycling, so you won’t gain any weight by doing this. In fact, it will help you recover, which will allow you to train more, thereby helping you to lose weight.

  60. Comment by MVSC | 05.20.2011 | 11:12 pm

    Run, Runner, Run!

  61. Comment by a chris | 05.21.2011 | 2:20 am

    Go Runner! May the Force be with you (or at least not against you; I suspect that’s what it would take to keep you from meeting your goal tomorrow).

    The VIP thing sounds like something that would happen to us if I asked my husband to arrange such an event. Not that I would ask him to sign me up for a marathon. But we would totally be focusing on the portapotty perk too to ease the hit to the wallet.

  62. Comment by Walter | 05.21.2011 | 3:49 am

    Good luck, you VIPs!! Here’s hoping that hip is well-behaved!

  63. Comment by Doug (Way upstate NY) | 05.21.2011 | 4:40 am

    Good Luck Runner!

    Fatty, I hope Duane is there to cheer you on.

  64. Comment by Julia | 05.21.2011 | 4:48 am

    Good luck, Runner! You can do it! And so can you, Fatty!

  65. Comment by cece | 05.21.2011 | 6:07 am

    Good Luck Lisa! Cheering for you from afar…well not so far away…Albuquerque!

  66. Comment by Dave T | 05.21.2011 | 7:57 am

    Good luck Runner.
    Fatty don’t hurt your self.

  67. Comment by Anne | 05.21.2011 | 10:32 am

    GOOD LUCK Runner.

  68. Comment by Grego | 05.21.2011 | 11:38 pm

    I love this post, exactly the sort of thing I’d do (forget to register as opposed to run 40k) – congrats on the times too :o)

  69. Comment by Chris | 05.23.2011 | 10:53 am

    If I would have read this before, I would have wished you luck Runner, but now how about a post race congratulations!

  70. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » Race Report: 2011 Ogden Marathon | 05.23.2011 | 1:41 pm

    [...] to board the buses, parked, and then walked to where we were supposed to board the VIP bus (Read here if you don’t know why we were [...]


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