A Note from Fatty: In yesterday’s post, I announced that I — as an award-winning celebrity cyclist megablogger on the internet — have been invited to star in an episode of Leverage. Well, Paul Guyot, Writer and Producer at Leverage, has taken the time to reply to my letter.
Isn’t that nice of him?
Good to hear from you. I would love to clarify some things from your open letter response to my closed letter invitation… by the way, no need to address “everyone else at Leverage,” as we have over 200 cast and crew members who are all working very hard and when they have to stop to read a letter listing a myriad of requests that frankly, will only frustrate and annoy them, well, it just slow things down.
But I understand this is all probably foreign to you, so let me see if I can help.
Hair : Um, your hair, or lack of hair, is not really an issue. The role I invited you to play is simply a quick and fun little walk-on. You would most likely ride up on some sort of Fixie, hand a package to one of our actors, have them sign it, and be on your way. I could perhaps create a little “business” for you to do with said actor, but that would be determined on the day and involve variables such as how the actors are reacting to you, how close we are to being on schedule, and what would be in the best interest and least disruptive of the creative process.
Therefore, your hair is fine the way it is. Or your head, rather.
Beard : Again, Elden, the beard issue falls into the same category as the hair issue. Not really relevant or necessary. As to the grayness of it all, our makeup and hair professionals will most likely be dealing with our actors who perform on the show every week and will probably not have time to deal with “de-grey-ifing” your beard.
With beard or without, you will look just fine for the very brief scene.
Weight : Honestly, any sort of text graphic at the beginning or end of a show costs money. And there are strict guidelines as to what can and cannot be added. I think your best bet here is to put your own disclaimer on your own blog the day before the episode airs.
Diction : James Earl Jones is not available, I’m sure. Even if he is, I do not think the studio or network will pay to have a man of his reputation and excellence brought in simply to overdub a day player. A “Day Player” is an actor who comes in to work on a show for one day. One day.
Speaking of which, the reality of this is that you do not have to worry about diction problems since you most likely will not be speaking in your scene. I originally thought you might, but some recent events have caused me to rethink the situation. This should assuage your vocal concerns and give you comfort.
Breath: I think your breath concerns can be addressed in my response to your diction concerns. That said, I have no problem letting the cast and crew know of your affliction, and making sure there is ample Binaca on set.
Face asymmetry : No. Our FX department is swamped with… just, no.
Appearance Trademark : I am confident Mr. Tucci has not trademarked the way either of you look.
Mr. Nelson, while I appreciate the amount of time and energy you’ve spent on these ideas, the writing department at Leverage is quite competent and probably has a better grasp on just what the show is. Also, please refrain from sending any more story ideas, as due to the litigious nature of our society, anything you submit to me immediately becomes unusable in any way, shape or form. Meaning, if your blind squirrel of an idea-making brain manages to locate a nut lost somewhere in one of your rambling sentences about something completely unrelated to said nut, we would not be able to use it.
I hope I have put you at ease and look forward to seeing you in Portland.
PS with regards to your being a recurring character in the show: Why don’t we put a pin in this idea and perhaps come back to it around Season 7 or 8?