Free Verse Friday: The Conference Room
The conference room
And the snacks therein
Hold no fear for me
For I have steeled myself
I am unyielding
My goals are clear
My daily weight is public
I shall not let your bounty of treats
Derail me
I am not afraid of you
Nor your bounty of treats
You stupid conference room
And here I sit
The discussions build
Rising to a crescendo
Nobody even remembers
What the topic was
Originally on the agenda
I believe I will have
A handful of chocolate covered raisins
Which are at least partially fruit
To help me abide
Until such a time
As I can bring this unruly bunch
Back on track
Oh and you know
These pistachios are really good
And they have a lot of protein
And so do the Peanut M&Ms
When you think about it
And what shall we have for lunch?
I’m sure it will be
Pizza
Or sandwiches
Or — hey, why not — burritos
Because why wouldn’t you want
A conference room full of men
To eat burritos
Prior to sitting together
For another half day
In a conference room?
Why not indeed?
And as the day wears on
I tire
And my will weakens
And eventually
I give up entirely
And my coworkers look on
In horror
And fascination
As I show them
My very worst superpower
I eat the truffles
And the licorice ropes
And the rest of the candy
And I completely kill off
The chocolate-covered raisins
And the mixed nuts
Never really had a chance
And don’t even get me started
On the salt-and-peppered
Pistachios
My weight is up
I am undone.
Thank you
Comment by Keith | 01.11.2013 | 8:41 am
“My very worst superpower.” LOL
Comment by Rocky | 01.11.2013 | 8:57 am
“Look on in horror and fascination.” I imagine looks like those witnessing Elaine’s dance scene from a Sienfeld episode. “Sweet fancy Moses.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5xi4O1yi6b0
Oh fat one, what is your secret for dropping the lbs. when you are not relapsing? Your gains in losses are impressive.
Comment by Wife#1 | 01.11.2013 | 9:50 am
TGIF then to you Fatty, may the coming weeks be conference room free. Perhaps there is a limited amount of weight loss that can be accomplished in the universe, and all the rest of us are taking your share now?
Hey to the other Fatty peeps, who the heck else are the other Zambia winners so far, and how many winners have been notified to date? I know the choosing makes this a fabulous but slower process. We were up to 4 the last I saw, I was 2 and the person in Colorado was 4. Anyone since then, and who were 1 and 3? I know the (now infamously coined) Spa Sandwich training camp and 2 Specialized bikes have been spoken for, what else has been claimed? There were so many amazing prizes!
Comment by MattC | 01.11.2013 | 10:10 am
Fatty,
THAT was very funny.
Snorting coffee is not.
Thank you.
Comment by davidh-marin,ca | 01.11.2013 | 10:15 am
Friday
and free verse
can a day be
any better
even as we read
of your fall
while eating
a
doughnut
Thank You
Comment by davidh-marin,ca | 01.11.2013 | 10:21 am
@MattC
Glad to see you back in the loop. Had to check your post and PG(hope things are stable) But those totals!!! Are you kidding me! I think you have made my NY Resolution for me…..climb more!
Comment by rich | 01.11.2013 | 10:24 am
Friday has come
the management meeting along with
I knew you oh donut would join us
I prepared mightily with a yogurt
Now my calorie intake is tripled
I stood not a chance
thank you
Pingback by Free Verse Friday: The Conference Room | Bicycle News Gator | 01.11.2013 | 10:28 am
[...] Free Verse Friday: The Conference Room This entry was posted in FatCyclist.com and tagged bounty, chocolate, conference, coworkers, day, [...]
Comment by Rob w | 01.11.2013 | 11:02 am
Salt and pepper pistachios….yum!
Comment by Doug (way upstate NY) | 01.11.2013 | 11:20 am
Stay strong. Get back to it next week…..
Comment by Brooks | 01.11.2013 | 11:36 am
Great poem!
Unfortunately, the protein in nuts is so small it doesn’t count toward intake. They are a better source of fat. Peanuts are a legume and therefore a source of carbohydrate… just sayin – GO PALEO and RIDE FASTER!
Comment by Brian in VA | 01.11.2013 | 11:40 am
Conference Center Rumination
I stand at the front
With my marker in hand
Watching all the participants noshing
Noshing the tasty treats
Of the Nutrition Stations
I weaken
I acknowledge that while there is some
Nutrition in the snacks
The calories are mostly empty
Like the huge beer I’m going to have
When I finish this day’s class (after my workout, of course)
I tell myself, “Self!
You must remain strong
You must remain Spartan in your eating
You must strive to push that weight number
Down. Down, so you can climb up.
Up!
On a break, I walk past the
Dreaded Nutrition Station
I look at all the deliciousness there
And I think of the Spartans
Only then do I remember.
The frigging Spartans lost.
And I grab a cookie.
Thank you.
Comment by mykill | 01.11.2013 | 11:55 am
Luckily i am a lone wolf desk jockey
Conference room snacks are nowhere in sight
But i do work at home, the fridge is in view
And i have kids that need lunches
So a jar of peanut butter is in there taunting me
And i almost convincingly convince myself
That is not hunger or cravings i feel
But instead finally not being last up the hill
Thank you
Comment by Lisa in Athens | 01.11.2013 | 12:15 pm
Quite possibly
The calories of the mint M&Ms
Will cancel out any use
Of stairs
Today.
It’s a risk
I am willing
To take.
Thank you.
Comment by Liz M. | 01.11.2013 | 12:29 pm
Fatty, perhaps you could look into having the Feed Zone guys cater your conferences from now on?
Wife#1, where are you seeing the information on Grand Slam winners? Congrats to you! I hope I hope I hope I’m still in the running.
Comment by babble on | 01.11.2013 | 12:51 pm
What the cookie monster
to cookies
am I
to nuts.
As above
so below,
as within
so without.
I’m a nut
who’s nuts
for nuts.
Comment by babble on | 01.11.2013 | 12:52 pm
IS…
what the cookie monster is to cookies am I to nuts.
See?
Nuts.
What kindov writer hits submit without a proof read first?
Comment by bikerchick | 01.11.2013 | 12:55 pm
Working from home
My virtues are many
Early to rise, 30 foot commute
Arrive fresh faced and unencumbered
Ready to seize the day.
Unlimited caffeine, I am inspired
Conference calls, back to back
Emails done!
Reports submitted!
Clients appeased!
Colleagues impressed!
@ 3 pm I take a bio break
And what do I see in the mirror?
Rumpled pajamas, bedhead
Sandy eyes, furry teeth, smudged glasses
And think… WTF?
Why not candy for breakfast?
If one bowl of cereal is good, 3 must be better!
Feeling guilty, I up my productivity
I will multitask! Bake brownies!
And so each day unfolds
I bargain with myself
Commit to a better tomorrow
And then I remember
I have more stretchy yoga pants.
Comment by Jeff Bike | 01.11.2013 | 1:38 pm
I waited to to read
until after the feed
now it too late
(Sorry I cant write now must raid the fridg)
Comment by MattC | 01.11.2013 | 1:41 pm
I LOVE FVF, ya’ll are SO darn funny! Just glad I’m not drinking right now or my puter would be wet (again)!
GREAT STUFF!
@davidH, yeah…things have been kind’a busy…PG’s doing as good as we can hope for…just holding our breath, hoping the cancer won’t return) which the surgeon says it will). We can’t really afford the radiation treatments nor the every-other-day for 20 treatments 240mi commute to make that happen, nor the radical amputation that is the other ‘medical’ option. That and she’s already 11yrs old.
As to my 2012 miles/climbing, my totals are HALF of my bro’s (GregC)…HE is the animal…I’m just a psudeo animal…maybe a mink or a weasel, where he is a wolverine.
Comment by Clydesteve | 01.11.2013 | 2:53 pm
Good one, Fatty – I am reminded of the conference room & lunch with coworkers following scend in the original ‘The Santa Claus’.
I went to friends
last evening.
The wife is from
the South
She makes treats
up from scratch
then serves them up
with traditional
Southern Hospitality
and
a smattering of
Christian “Do Unto
Others as you would have
Them
Do unto You
meaning
an enormous 2-scoop
serving of a
concoction reminescent
of MOUNDS layer cassarolle
with pistachios
on top!
Yum! but,
TWO BIG SCOOPS!
Yikes!
Marilyn shared by
taking
a miniscule
2 micro-bites
It would have been
ungracious
to not finish it
all.
Comment by Clydesteve | 01.11.2013 | 2:54 pm
@MattC
So may we now refer to you as Matt the Mink?
Comment by MattC | 01.11.2013 | 4:54 pm
@Clydesteve…you can call me anything but “late for dinner”!
Comment by UpTheGrade SR,CA | 01.11.2013 | 5:27 pm
I rode hard today
it still hurts
and not just the legs,
and the snacks at work after looked soo good
resistance was futile
and I have no Superpower like Fatty
who can go back in time and change his weight
Personally, I’d change mine down ;-)
Comment by eclecticdeb | 01.11.2013 | 7:38 pm
Another superpower
The ability to go back in time
But not unsurprisingly
Your power is not being used
For your personal (un)gain
Fatty’s Weight
09 Jan: 177.8
10 Jan: 179.0
09 Jan: 179.4
Comment by davidh-marin,ca | 01.12.2013 | 1:31 am
Since we’re talking ‘climbing’ I don’t think weasels or mink the best analogy, though they do climb. I believe a visual likeness is required as well. Check the following and I’ll think you’ll agree:
Friends of Fatty I introduce Matt the Marsupial
Comment by Nancy_in_MN | 01.12.2013 | 6:51 am
Ode to a Marsupial:
Oh Matt, how I adore thee!
Your pudge is part of your appeal
Your posture part of your presence.
Your resemblance to me is uncanny
And yet, you are unassuming.
Oh Matt, how I adore thee!
Thank you
Comment by Daddy style | 01.12.2013 | 7:02 am
Ahmen brother, I can relate
Comment by Saso | 01.12.2013 | 3:33 pm
You are still down on weight compared to Jan. 1. It could have been worse.
But back to egg whites now. (I am eating salami right now).
Comment by davidh-marin,ca | 01.14.2013 | 12:39 am
Oh MattC, Oh Marsupial Matt, I’ve done thee wrong! Those of us who know you are keenly aware (and jealous) of your lack of paunch. I fear I’ve given Nancy_in_Mn false hope. I also extend my apologies to your better half.
I just thought the Tree Kangaroo embodied your tenacious climbing abilities. My failure was to post a picture of a fat one! Though he does share your grin!
Levi Alert!!! Registration Monday 1.14.13 9:00am.
http://www.levisgranfondo.com/
(I’m probably the only one just catching on to this now)
http://www.levisgranfondo.com/
Comment by Marsupial Matt (formerly known as MattC) | 01.14.2013 | 8:39 am
david, Nancy, you crack me up! I’m already snorting coffee at oh-dark-thirty this frigid Monday morning…
I kind of thought most mink’s/weasels were pretty thin and ’slinky’…and thus my self-reference. But I got a grand chuckle out of the tree kangaroo comparison (thanks for telling me what that was btw, as I had no idea). It is rather unassuming in appearance…looks somewhat like one of our fur-babies…though they are NOT climbers…(except onto furniture).