Free Verse Friday: The Conference Room

01.11.2013 | 8:30 am

The conference room
And the snacks therein
Hold no fear for me
For I have steeled myself
I am unyielding
My goals are clear
My daily weight is public
I shall not let your bounty of treats
Derail me
I am not afraid of you
Nor your bounty of treats
You stupid conference room

And here I sit

The discussions build
Rising to a crescendo
Nobody even remembers
What the topic was
Originally on the agenda
I believe I will have
A handful of chocolate covered raisins
Which are at least partially fruit
To help me abide
Until such a time
As I can bring this unruly bunch
Back on track

Oh and you know
These pistachios are really good
And they have a lot of protein
And so do the Peanut M&Ms
When you think about it

And what shall we have for lunch?
I’m sure it will be
Or sandwiches
Or — hey, why not — burritos
Because why wouldn’t you want
A conference room full of men
To eat burritos
Prior to sitting together
For another half day
In a conference room?

Why not indeed?

And as the day wears on
I tire
And my will weakens
And eventually
I give up entirely
And my coworkers look on
In horror
And fascination
As I show them
My very worst superpower

I eat the truffles
And the licorice ropes
And the rest of the candy
And I completely kill off
The chocolate-covered raisins
And the mixed nuts
Never really had a chance
And don’t even get me started
On the salt-and-peppered

My weight is up
I am undone.

Thank you 


  1. Comment by Keith | 01.11.2013 | 8:41 am

    “My very worst superpower.” LOL

  2. Comment by Rocky | 01.11.2013 | 8:57 am

    “Look on in horror and fascination.” I imagine looks like those witnessing Elaine’s dance scene from a Sienfeld episode. “Sweet fancy Moses.”

    Oh fat one, what is your secret for dropping the lbs. when you are not relapsing? Your gains in losses are impressive.

  3. Comment by Wife#1 | 01.11.2013 | 9:50 am

    TGIF then to you Fatty, may the coming weeks be conference room free. Perhaps there is a limited amount of weight loss that can be accomplished in the universe, and all the rest of us are taking your share now?

    Hey to the other Fatty peeps, who the heck else are the other Zambia winners so far, and how many winners have been notified to date? I know the choosing makes this a fabulous but slower process. We were up to 4 the last I saw, I was 2 and the person in Colorado was 4. Anyone since then, and who were 1 and 3? I know the (now infamously coined) Spa Sandwich training camp and 2 Specialized bikes have been spoken for, what else has been claimed? There were so many amazing prizes!

  4. Comment by MattC | 01.11.2013 | 10:10 am


    THAT was very funny.

    Snorting coffee is not.

    Thank you.

  5. Comment by davidh-marin,ca | 01.11.2013 | 10:15 am

    and free verse
    can a day be
    any better
    even as we read
    of your fall
    while eating

    Thank You

  6. Comment by davidh-marin,ca | 01.11.2013 | 10:21 am

    Glad to see you back in the loop. Had to check your post and PG(hope things are stable) But those totals!!! Are you kidding me! I think you have made my NY Resolution for me…..climb more!

  7. Comment by rich | 01.11.2013 | 10:24 am

    Friday has come
    the management meeting along with
    I knew you oh donut would join us
    I prepared mightily with a yogurt
    Now my calorie intake is tripled
    I stood not a chance

    thank you

  8. Pingback by Free Verse Friday: The Conference Room | Bicycle News Gator | 01.11.2013 | 10:28 am

    [...] Free Verse Friday: The Conference Room This entry was posted in and tagged bounty, chocolate, conference, coworkers, day, [...]

  9. Comment by Rob w | 01.11.2013 | 11:02 am

    Salt and pepper pistachios….yum!

  10. Comment by Doug (way upstate NY) | 01.11.2013 | 11:20 am

    Stay strong. Get back to it next week…..

  11. Comment by Brooks | 01.11.2013 | 11:36 am

    Great poem!

    Unfortunately, the protein in nuts is so small it doesn’t count toward intake. They are a better source of fat. Peanuts are a legume and therefore a source of carbohydrate… just sayin – GO PALEO and RIDE FASTER!

  12. Comment by Brian in VA | 01.11.2013 | 11:40 am

    Conference Center Rumination

    I stand at the front
    With my marker in hand
    Watching all the participants noshing
    Noshing the tasty treats
    Of the Nutrition Stations

    I weaken
    I acknowledge that while there is some
    Nutrition in the snacks
    The calories are mostly empty
    Like the huge beer I’m going to have
    When I finish this day’s class (after my workout, of course)

    I tell myself, “Self!
    You must remain strong
    You must remain Spartan in your eating
    You must strive to push that weight number
    Down. Down, so you can climb up.

    On a break, I walk past the
    Dreaded Nutrition Station
    I look at all the deliciousness there
    And I think of the Spartans
    Only then do I remember.

    The frigging Spartans lost.
    And I grab a cookie.

    Thank you.

  13. Comment by mykill | 01.11.2013 | 11:55 am

    Luckily i am a lone wolf desk jockey
    Conference room snacks are nowhere in sight
    But i do work at home, the fridge is in view
    And i have kids that need lunches
    So a jar of peanut butter is in there taunting me
    And i almost convincingly convince myself
    That is not hunger or cravings i feel
    But instead finally not being last up the hill

    Thank you

  14. Comment by Lisa in Athens | 01.11.2013 | 12:15 pm

    Quite possibly
    The calories of the mint M&Ms
    Will cancel out any use
    Of stairs

    It’s a risk
    I am willing
    To take.

    Thank you.

  15. Comment by Liz M. | 01.11.2013 | 12:29 pm

    Fatty, perhaps you could look into having the Feed Zone guys cater your conferences from now on?

    Wife#1, where are you seeing the information on Grand Slam winners? Congrats to you! I hope I hope I hope I’m still in the running.

  16. Comment by babble on | 01.11.2013 | 12:51 pm

    What the cookie monster
    to cookies
    am I
    to nuts.

    As above
    so below,
    as within
    so without.

    I’m a nut
    who’s nuts
    for nuts.

  17. Comment by babble on | 01.11.2013 | 12:52 pm

    what the cookie monster is to cookies am I to nuts.


    What kindov writer hits submit without a proof read first?

  18. Comment by bikerchick | 01.11.2013 | 12:55 pm

    Working from home
    My virtues are many
    Early to rise, 30 foot commute
    Arrive fresh faced and unencumbered
    Ready to seize the day.

    Unlimited caffeine, I am inspired
    Conference calls, back to back
    Emails done!
    Reports submitted!
    Clients appeased!
    Colleagues impressed!

    @ 3 pm I take a bio break
    And what do I see in the mirror?
    Rumpled pajamas, bedhead
    Sandy eyes, furry teeth, smudged glasses
    And think… WTF?
    Why not candy for breakfast?
    If one bowl of cereal is good, 3 must be better!

    Feeling guilty, I up my productivity
    I will multitask! Bake brownies!
    And so each day unfolds
    I bargain with myself
    Commit to a better tomorrow
    And then I remember
    I have more stretchy yoga pants.

  19. Comment by Jeff Bike | 01.11.2013 | 1:38 pm

    I waited to to read
    until after the feed
    now it too late
    (Sorry I cant write now must raid the fridg)

  20. Comment by MattC | 01.11.2013 | 1:41 pm

    I LOVE FVF, ya’ll are SO darn funny! Just glad I’m not drinking right now or my puter would be wet (again)!


    @davidH, yeah…things have been kind’a busy…PG’s doing as good as we can hope for…just holding our breath, hoping the cancer won’t return) which the surgeon says it will). We can’t really afford the radiation treatments nor the every-other-day for 20 treatments 240mi commute to make that happen, nor the radical amputation that is the other ‘medical’ option. That and she’s already 11yrs old.

    As to my 2012 miles/climbing, my totals are HALF of my bro’s (GregC)…HE is the animal…I’m just a psudeo animal…maybe a mink or a weasel, where he is a wolverine.

  21. Comment by Clydesteve | 01.11.2013 | 2:53 pm

    Good one, Fatty – I am reminded of the conference room & lunch with coworkers following scend in the original ‘The Santa Claus’.

    I went to friends
    last evening.
    The wife is from
    the South

    She makes treats
    up from scratch
    then serves them up
    with traditional
    Southern Hospitality


    a smattering of
    Christian “Do Unto
    Others as you would have
    Do unto You


    an enormous 2-scoop
    serving of a
    concoction reminescent
    of MOUNDS layer cassarolle
    with pistachios
    on top!

    Yum! but,

    Marilyn shared by
    a miniscule
    2 micro-bites

    It would have been
    to not finish it

  22. Comment by Clydesteve | 01.11.2013 | 2:54 pm


    So may we now refer to you as Matt the Mink?

  23. Comment by MattC | 01.11.2013 | 4:54 pm

    @Clydesteve…you can call me anything but “late for dinner”!

  24. Comment by UpTheGrade SR,CA | 01.11.2013 | 5:27 pm

    I rode hard today
    it still hurts
    and not just the legs,
    and the snacks at work after looked soo good
    resistance was futile
    and I have no Superpower like Fatty
    who can go back in time and change his weight
    Personally, I’d change mine down ;-)

  25. Comment by eclecticdeb | 01.11.2013 | 7:38 pm

    Another superpower
    The ability to go back in time
    But not unsurprisingly
    Your power is not being used
    For your personal (un)gain

    Fatty’s Weight
    09 Jan: 177.8
    10 Jan: 179.0
    09 Jan: 179.4

  26. Comment by davidh-marin,ca | 01.12.2013 | 1:31 am

    Since we’re talking ‘climbing’ I don’t think weasels or mink the best analogy, though they do climb. I believe a visual likeness is required as well. Check the following and I’ll think you’ll agree:

    Friends of Fatty I introduce Matt the Marsupial


  27. Comment by Nancy_in_MN | 01.12.2013 | 6:51 am

    Ode to a Marsupial:

    Oh Matt, how I adore thee!

    Your pudge is part of your appeal
    Your posture part of your presence.

    Your resemblance to me is uncanny
    And yet, you are unassuming.

    Oh Matt, how I adore thee!

    Thank you

  28. Comment by Daddy style | 01.12.2013 | 7:02 am

    Ahmen brother, I can relate

  29. Comment by Saso | 01.12.2013 | 3:33 pm

    You are still down on weight compared to Jan. 1. It could have been worse.

    But back to egg whites now. (I am eating salami right now).

  30. Comment by davidh-marin,ca | 01.14.2013 | 12:39 am

    Oh MattC, Oh Marsupial Matt, I’ve done thee wrong! Those of us who know you are keenly aware (and jealous) of your lack of paunch. I fear I’ve given Nancy_in_Mn false hope. I also extend my apologies to your better half.

    I just thought the Tree Kangaroo embodied your tenacious climbing abilities. My failure was to post a picture of a fat one! Though he does share your grin!

    Levi Alert!!! Registration Monday 1.14.13 9:00am.
    (I’m probably the only one just catching on to this now)

  31. Comment by Marsupial Matt (formerly known as MattC) | 01.14.2013 | 8:39 am

    david, Nancy, you crack me up! I’m already snorting coffee at oh-dark-thirty this frigid Monday morning…

    I kind of thought most mink’s/weasels were pretty thin and ’slinky’…and thus my self-reference. But I got a grand chuckle out of the tree kangaroo comparison (thanks for telling me what that was btw, as I had no idea). It is rather unassuming in appearance…looks somewhat like one of our fur-babies…though they are NOT climbers…(except onto furniture).


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