AUSTIN, TX (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – Following the bombshell admissions made by Lance Armstrong last week, the cycling world and the seventeen other people who follow that kind of thing have expressed various permutations of sadness, anger, vindication, indignation, and smug I-Told-You-So-ness.
Many have wondered, endlessly, whether Armstrong said enough, as well as whether he was entirely truthful, or simply told what he could without exposing himself to an even larger legal and personal train wreck than what he’s already in for.
What nobody seems to have wondered, however, is what got left on the editing room floor from that interview. Were there more revelations? Clarifications? Additional apologies?
Nobody has wondered this, that is, until now. Because neither Lance nor Oprah counted on an intrepid reporter who was using state-of-the-art secret eavesdropping techniques to listen in on and report the untold story.
Super-secret eavesdropping techniques
The following transcripts reveal that what was not broadcast during the riveting 90-minute interview on Thursday — along with the not-really-all-that-riveting 60-minute interview on Friday — contains shocking revelations that are guaranteed to keep Twitter buzzing until the next shocking revelation is revealed (about 45 minutes at the current rate).
More Yes and No Questions
Without a doubt, the most extraordinary part of the Oprah / Armstrong interview was during the first three minutes, during which Oprah (or as she prefers to be called, “Oprah”) asked Armstrong (who would currently prefer to not be called at all) numerous yes-or-no questions.
Curiously, however, not all of Oprah’s yes-or-no questions made it into the broadcast. The full, unedited transcript of this yes-and-no session follows:
Oprah: Did you ever take banned substances to enhance your cycling performance?
Oprah: Was one of those banned substances EPO?
Oprah: Did you ever blood dope or use blood transfusions to enhance your cycling performance?
Oprah: Have you ever taken amphetamines during a race?
Oprah: Would it be simpler for me to ask you specifically what things you haven’t taken during your racing career?
Oprah: Did you fake the moon landing?
Armstrong: I think you mean a different . . .
Oprah: Yes or no, please. Did you fake the moon landing?
Oprah: Hmmph. You say your last name is “Armstrong,” yet you made a living using your legs. Is that not disingenuous?
Oprah: Did you kill JFK?
Oprah: Have you ever been in a Turkish prison?
Armstrong: Yes. I have one at my house in Aspen. I kept Betsy Andreu in there for a couple years.
Oprah: Did you kill Nicole Brown Simpson?
Oprah: Are you hungry?
Oprah: Have you ever been to Fuddrucker’s?
Oprah: They make really good hamburgers. Why do you suppose they went through bankruptcy in 2010, while other chains thrived?
Armstrong: It wasn’t a problem with their food. I think it was a combination of a bad economic climate and . . .
Oprah: Yes or no responses only, please!
Armstrong: But that wasn’t a yes or no . . .
Oprah: Yes or no responses only, please!
Oprah: I thought so. Will you jump up and down on the couch for me?
Armstrong: Yes. But first I need to take a testosterone pill, inject some EPO, and have a blood transfusion, which will allow me to jump higher, faster, and for a greater period of time than anyone else ever has or will again.
Following the frank admissions made by Armstrong, Oprah (who prefers to be called “Ms. Oprah”) spent a few minutes trying to understand the mind of Lance Armstrong by using a word game used by psychologists in movies.
Oprah: Let’s try some word association. I’ll say a word or phrase, you tell me what it makes you think of.
Oprah: We’re done with the yes or no part.
Oprah: Cut it out.
Oprah: (Slaps Armstrong.) Don’t make me do that again. OK, let’s get started. France.
Armstrong: The barber. And also, cheating.
Oprah: Oh, I’m sorry. I guess I’ve been doing this backwards.
Perhaps the thing that angered Armstrong critics the most about Armstrong’s interview — apart from the fact that it was ever necessary to begin with — was that Armstrong made only a few public apologies, many of which seemed half-hearted at best.
In fact, however, there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for this. Here’s how the original apology discussion went:
Oprah: Are there any people you’d like to apologize to?
Armstrong: Well, everyone, basically. Let’s start with the Andreus. They took a principled stand, and I accused them of lying and broke off our friendship and made their lives incredibly difficult in return. I’m really sorry to them.
Next, I want to apologize to Greg Lemond, who . . .
Oprah: Cut! I’m sorry, Lance, but my mind started wandering. This train of apologies makes boring television. Let’s just move on to the next topic, and we’ll edit this part out.
Thus, for the first time in more than thirty years, something bad happened that was not Armstrong’s fault.