NEWS FLASH: Lance Armstrong to do Photo Shoot

04.24.2013 | 9:40 am

Austin, TX (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – In the wake of the recent announcement by the Justice Department that it will pursue a lawsuit against Lance Armstrong for unjustly enriching himself, a spokesman for Armstrong today made the following announcement:

“Lance intends to defend himself vigorously in the court of law.”

The spokesman continued, “Based on our extensive experience in these matters, however, by which I mean dating pretty much as far back as any of us can remember, the court of public opinion will simultaneously conduct a trial of its own, largely through the mainstream media and cycling press.”

“Toward the end of making the work of these people both more timely and accurate,” the spokesperson announced, “Lance Armstrong will today do a photo shoot for the use of journalists during this trial.”

“Specifically,” the spokesman explained, “Lance will do a photoshoot consisting entirely of various negative expressions.”

“This,” the spokesman continued, “is due to the fact that many of the existing photographs of Lance frowning, pursing his lips, or looking defeated have been overused to the point of being ridiculous by the press. Furthermore, many are woefully out of date.”

“This photo shoot is not only for the benefit of journalists and their readers, however,” said the spokesman. “The fact is, Lance’s attorneys are sick to death of seeing the same set of photographs over and over. We’ve seen these same old photos so often we’ve started giving them nicknames. For example, we call the following photograph ‘Sinister Lance’:”

Sinister Lance

“And we call this one ‘Perplexed Lance’:”


“This one is called ‘Vengeful Lance’:”

Angry at contador

“And then there’s the one we see more than any other single photo, which is affectionately known as ‘Sad Raspberry Lance’:”

Compressed lips

Photoshoot Objectives Made Clear

“We know that journalists are going to post photos of Lance in a variety of unhappy moods,” said the spokesman. “Our objective is to expand the range of these photographic moods, as well as update them so the photographs don’t look like they were taken in the 80’s.”

“The photos we’ll be providing will show Lance making the following expressions, most — if not all — of which will no doubt be used in the coming months:

  • Furious
  • Startled
  • Dismayed
  • Confused
  • Bored
  • Incensed 
  • Enraged
  • Crushed
  • Dazed
  • Blank
  • Crafty
  • Distraught
  • Abashed
  • Wistful
  • Guarded
  • Pensive
  • Defeated
“Note that this is merely a tentative list,” said the spokesman, “and that we have engaged the services of an A-list acting coach in order to make the expressions in these photographs completely convincing.”

“Also, we are pleased to announce that all of these expressions will be provided in environments showing Lance both on and off the bike.”

Reached for comment, Armstrong demurred, noting only that he had a lot of work to do practicing his “apologetic” look.


  1. Comment by Clydesteve | 04.24.2013 | 10:00 am


  2. Comment by Clydesteve | 04.24.2013 | 10:02 am

    Did you see the rock star percussionist Lance clip BSNYC posted? I think they could pull some deeply concentrating Lance expressions from that.

  3. Comment by ScottR | 04.24.2013 | 10:07 am

    Well played.

  4. Comment by Fat Elvis | 04.24.2013 | 10:11 am

    Are these the names of the dwarfs who didn’t quite make the cut for the Snow White?


  5. Comment by Jenni | 04.24.2013 | 10:29 am

    That first one is actually invisible moustache Lance when he’s pseudo-incognito.

  6. Comment by davidh-marin,ca | 04.24.2013 | 10:38 am

    Thanks for the news call out Elden. Didn’t see this on my Yahoo Home Page this am, nor in the NY Times. Definitely have to fine tune my filter feeds.

    …unjustly enriching himself…

    Any truth to the rumor that Lance will also pose for Playgirl, and to keep it fair, The Advocate, as part of this photo-op parade. I will demur from titling any of those poses, and leave it to others.

  7. Comment by blair | 04.24.2013 | 10:41 am

    The caption on the third one is “Werewolves, Count Chocula. They’re on _my_ side.”

  8. Comment by Superstantial | 04.24.2013 | 10:42 am

    “Sinister Lance” looks like he’s about to pick his nose with his thumb. Which, I think we can all agree, would be evil beyond the pale.

  9. Comment by Wife#1 | 04.24.2013 | 10:50 am

    Love it! Too damn funny, but what, no come hither shot? *snort*

  10. Comment by Matt | 04.24.2013 | 11:39 am

    Ha, thanks for the good laugh!

  11. Comment by centurion | 04.24.2013 | 11:48 am

    How does one look ‘crafty’? Please provide an example.

    The first image result when googling “crafty look” is actually pretty darned good. Click here. – FC

  12. Comment by Skippy | 04.24.2013 | 11:50 am

    AND back in the real world , LiveSTRONG gained 4 Star Treatment by the ” Charity Navigator “, thus confirming that ALL the good work done by ” Fatties Army ” does not go unnoticed !

    CNN today , finally mentioned those Hospitalised by the Boston Marathon Event , when they showed WWPinc Troopers visiting some suffering Amputations . That the media choose to focus on the Perp’s Health rather than the Victims , displays a crass ignorance of humanity !

    am i alone in wishing that , the BackStory of those hospitalised , and that of their family and friends deserve recognition ?

    Uh, how’d you get past my spam filter, Skippy? – FC

  13. Comment by UpNorth | 04.24.2013 | 4:00 pm

    And here I thought “crafty” meant they’d be holding a glue gun, rhinestones & a white t-shirt.

  14. Comment by Wife#1 | 04.24.2013 | 5:27 pm

    @UpNorth – YES! Someone get Lance a Bedazzler! And look at the accompanying photo I found. :-)

  15. Comment by Marsupial MattC | 04.24.2013 | 6:43 pm

    I think the last person who got the “crafty” look from Lance immediately burst into flames and was reduced to cinders. It may look “crafty” on that kid, but on Lance it would be something else altogether.

  16. Comment by davidh-marin,ca | 04.24.2013 | 10:46 pm

    Speaking of “Photo Shoots” I’m watching TV tonight and what do I see…A profile of a ‘must have’ tv director:


    Apparently Mr. Nelson has another alias.

  17. Comment by davidh-marin,ca | 04.24.2013 | 10:47 pm

    Mr. Guyot, you’ve created a monster!

  18. Comment by Leroy | 04.25.2013 | 6:21 am

    My dog says you forgot “verklempt” and “farmisht.”

    But I think that’s just his mishegos.

  19. Comment by Trailer Park Cyclist | 04.25.2013 | 4:13 pm

    They left out the most important of all: nonplussed. Hard to master, but highly effective.

  20. Comment by Longstaff | 04.27.2013 | 11:34 am

    You forgot the one “broke ass”!

    On a more serious note I’m amazed he hasn’t ramped the PR machine up with hospital visits to give presents out to sick kids. That’s the sort of manipulative thing that usually works in the UK.

  21. Comment by Mary | 04.28.2013 | 3:52 pm

    It looks like we need a new dictionary just for our fallen hero :)

  22. Comment by Clare | 04.28.2013 | 3:54 pm

    Yes, I agree, how about the ‘Devil’s Dictionary’, by Ambrose Bierce!

  23. Comment by Sarah | 04.28.2013 | 3:57 pm

    Come on, leave the poor guy alone in his hall of mirrors…

  24. Pingback by lance cyclist | 04.29.2013 | 11:59 am

    [...] NEWS FLASH: Lance Armstrong to do Photo Shoot – Fat Cyclist, TX (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – In the wake of the recent announcement by the Justice Department that it will pursue a lawsuit against Lance Armstrong for unjustly enriching himself, a spokesman for Armstrong … [...]


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