NEWS FLASH: Lance Armstrong to do Photo Shoot

04.24.2013 | 9:40 am

Austin, TX (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – In the wake of the recent announcement by the Justice Department that it will pursue a lawsuit against Lance Armstrong for unjustly enriching himself, a spokesman for Armstrong today made the following announcement:

“Lance intends to defend himself vigorously in the court of law.”

The spokesman continued, “Based on our extensive experience in these matters, however, by which I mean dating pretty much as far back as any of us can remember,¬†the court of public opinion will simultaneously conduct a trial of its own, largely through the mainstream media and cycling press.”

“Toward the end of making the work of these people both more timely and accurate,” the spokesperson announced, “Lance Armstrong will today do a photo shoot for the use of journalists during this trial.”

“Specifically,” the spokesman explained, “Lance will do a photoshoot consisting entirely of various negative expressions.”

“This,” the spokesman continued, “is due to the fact that many of the existing photographs of Lance frowning, pursing his lips, or looking defeated have been overused to the point of being ridiculous by the press. Furthermore, many are woefully out of date.”

“This photo shoot is not only for the benefit of journalists and their readers, however,” said the spokesman. “The fact is, Lance’s attorneys are sick to death of seeing the same set of photographs over and over. We’ve seen these same old photos so often we’ve started giving them nicknames. For example, we call the following photograph ‘Sinister Lance’:”

Sinister Lance

“And we call this one ‘Perplexed Lance’:”

Perplexed

“This one is called ‘Vengeful Lance’:”

Angry at contador

“And then there’s the one we see more than any other single photo, which is affectionately known as ‘Sad Raspberry Lance’:”

Compressed lips

Photoshoot Objectives Made Clear

“We know that journalists are going to post photos of Lance in a variety of unhappy moods,” said the spokesman. “Our objective is to expand the range of these photographic moods, as well as update them so the photographs don’t look like they were taken in the 80’s.”

“The photos we’ll be providing will show Lance making the following expressions, most — if not all — of which will no doubt be used in the coming months:

  • Furious
  • Startled
  • Dismayed
  • Confused
  • Bored
  • Incensed¬†
  • Enraged
  • Crushed
  • Dazed
  • Blank
  • Crafty
  • Distraught
  • Abashed
  • Wistful
  • Guarded
  • Pensive
  • Defeated
“Note that this is merely a tentative list,” said the spokesman, “and that we have engaged the services of an A-list acting coach in order to make the expressions in these photographs completely convincing.”

“Also, we are pleased to announce that all of these expressions will be provided in environments showing Lance both on and off the bike.”

Reached for comment, Armstrong demurred, noting only that he had a lot of work to do practicing his “apologetic” look.

24 Comments

  1. Comment by Clydesteve | 04.24.2013 | 10:00 am

    heh.

  2. Comment by Clydesteve | 04.24.2013 | 10:02 am

    Did you see the rock star percussionist Lance clip BSNYC posted? I think they could pull some deeply concentrating Lance expressions from that.

  3. Comment by ScottR | 04.24.2013 | 10:07 am

    Well played.

  4. Comment by Fat Elvis | 04.24.2013 | 10:11 am

    Are these the names of the dwarfs who didn’t quite make the cut for the Snow White?

    Furious
    Startled
    Dismayed
    Confused
    Bored
    Incensed
    Enraged
    Crushed
    Dazed
    Blank
    Crafty
    Distraught
    Abashed
    Wistful
    Guarded
    Pensive
    Defeated

  5. Comment by Jenni | 04.24.2013 | 10:29 am

    That first one is actually invisible moustache Lance when he’s pseudo-incognito.

  6. Comment by davidh-marin,ca | 04.24.2013 | 10:38 am

    Thanks for the news call out Elden. Didn’t see this on my Yahoo Home Page this am, nor in the NY Times. Definitely have to fine t