New Can’t-Fail Diet Plan

04.11.2016 | 2:36 pm

A Note From Fatty About a Friend’s Kickstarter: Jonny Hintze is the design guru over at ENVE, the designer of my 2015 FatCyclist kit, and is launching his own cool line of cycling accessories, under the SN?K brand. He’s launching a Kickstarter for the first couple of items he’s selling: a very nice under-saddle Cycling Vital Case:

Snek18516 Front Back 1

And an ingenious all-in-one tire lever, which in addition to being good at being a tire lever, is also good for removing valve cores and opening bottles:


I’d like to see Jonny’s project succeed, and Jonny would like to give Friends of Fatty a little extra incentive to back his project. So: if you back him with a pledge of $90 or more and let him know I sent you, Jonny’s going to hook you up with with a cold-weather cycling cap Jonny designed (and sells for $62), free. 


Here’s what you need to do: 

1. Make your pledge. 
2. After pledging, click the “Contact me” link:


3. Send a message saying “Fatty sent me.” So you can redeem your cap.


New Can’t-Fail Diet Plan

It is a well-known fact that most diets fail for one simple — but incredibly difficult to surmount — reason: 

They make you eat food you don’t like.

No, now that I think about it, there’s another reason diets fail:

They don’t let you eat enough food, so you’re always hungry and grumpy.

OK, I guess there’s actually a third reason: 

They make you take forever to prepare your food.

And in short, diets make you take forever to prepare a tiny and unsatisfying portion of food you don’t even enjoy. Gee I wonder why they fail.

Fortunately for both you and me, I have a solution to this terrible problem, which I call:


The All-You-Can-Eat Breakfast Cereal Diet

It’s a little-known fact that breakfast cereal is really crunchy and delicious. 

No, wait. Everyone knows that. Let me try again.

It’s a little-known fact that breakfast cereal comes in a wide variety of flavors, has an entire aisle dedicated to it in every grocery store in America, and is not very expensive.

I’m not doing very well at revealing little-known facts here, am I? Let me try once more.

It’s a little-known fact that I can stand around in the kitchen, trying to think of what my next paragraph should be, as I absently eat handful upon handful of breakfast cereal (generally, Oatmeal Squares or Honey Nut Cheerios), only realizing the trauma I have caused to my diet when I discover I am as full as after Thanksgiving dinner.

There, you didn’t know that, did you? (Though you probably could have guessed.)

But here’s my point: I really, really like breakfast cereal. Like, practically all breakfast cereal. But when I eat it, I always used to feel guilty, because I’d just sabotaged my diet.

That all changed, however, when I came up with The All-You-Can-Eat Breakfast Cereal Diet.

Here’s how it works: Whenever you want to eat something, have a bowl of cereal.

With milk, of course, because otherwise you’re obviously doing it wrong.

And here’s the cool thing: if you want to have a second bowl, do. And a third. Just keep on plowing through that cereal

And here’s the good news: no matter how much you eat, you’re just not going to crush your calorie limit for the day:

IMG 0035  1

See, a bowl of cereal with milk is just 250 calories. Which means that if you have a 2000 calorie per day diet, you can eat eight bowls of cereal per day.

And it’s not like I picked some gross low-calorie cereal here, either. This is Oatmeal Squares, which are widely regarded (at my house) as the best cereal currently on the planet. (Except of course for granola, which — no doubt about it — is totally going to make you fat.)

The fact is, if you burn spend a couple hours on the bike, thereby burning around 750 calories — and then eat eight bowls of cereal throughout the day, you’ll basically be so busy riding your bike and eating delicious cereal that you won’t have time to cheat on your diet. And meanwhile you’ll be netting around 1250 calories for the day.

Which means you’re going to lose weight. You just are. Even if you change from skim milk (which is only barely ok) to whole milk (which turns your breakfast cereal into the single best-tasting thing in the whole world, times ten).

Sure, I know: a few people are going to say that eight bowls of cereal per day is not enough. To you, I say: I totally agree, and think we should probably round up to ten, just because it’s an easier number to remember.

And there will be doubters who talk about gluten and sugar and carbohydrates and heart attacks.

To you I say nothing, because you obviously disagree with me, so why should I even pay attention to what you’re saying?

And of course, there will be the literalists among you who will say, “Have you ever actually tried pouring yourself a bowl of cereal that just had a cup of cereal in it, with half a cup of milk? It’s both tiny and has a completely weird cereal-milk imbalance.”

To you, I say: “Yeah, I know, but I’m trying to overlook that because it doesn’t serve my argument very well.”

Finally, most of you are going to say, “Yes, this is clearly a genius idea and quite likely the first diet I’ve ever heard of that I think I can actually get behind.”

To those of you who say this, I reply: “Let’s eat. We’ve got breakfast cereal — and lots of it — to consume.”


  1. Comment by dpd356 | 04.11.2016 | 3:20 pm

    it’s a little known hysterical fact that whoever it was that said ‘let them eat cake’ actually said cereal. Somehow it was lost in translation.

    Cinnamon Toast Crunch RULES. Unless your 50 then it occasionally rules on infrequent weekends. Otherwise its Kashi GoLean with fresh berries, and Almond milk. Healthy and dang good!

  2. Comment by Mike Schwab | 04.11.2016 | 3:29 pm

    Wheat makes you hungry. Stop eating wheat, grains, limited carbs, 15-30% protein, 70% fat.

  3. Comment by fellowfattychris | 04.11.2016 | 3:31 pm

    Fatty, I can’t wait to start the cereal diet. I say enough with the salads. I’ve been trying to lose 15 lbs of winter weight to get down to race weight by next month for Ironman St George without much luck. Who am I kidding? I’d settle to just drop 10 lbs, but eating mostly salads isn’t helping. All they make me do is crave sweets, and when then when I see anything sweet I eat everything sweet in sight. Just the other day I ate half a leftover cake (and blamed it on my kids when my wife asked where all the cake went). The cereal diet is genius, not only is it healthy, it will satisfy my desire for sweets. I can’t fail!

    Thanks Fatty!

    PS, really like the tire lever with the built in valve wrench.

  4. Comment by Dan | 04.11.2016 | 4:01 pm

    Well, one of your cereal choices is made of oatmeal. I refer you to one of your earlier blog posts that also extols the virtues of oatmeal.

    Therefore, I conclude your new diet could also substitute said cake for cereal. At least I think so…

  5. Comment by MattC | 04.11.2016 | 4:03 pm

    I’m kind’a stuck on Shredded Mini Wheats for the last 3 or so years. They have one side coated with sugar or something highly addictive (Crack maybe?). They are so delicious that ALL 3 of my dogs sit w/ me at breakfast every morning…so I have to fill a HUGE bowl. I then eat 3 to 5 bites, then they each get one (has to have been IN the milk tho…they are on to me trying to pawn-off the dry-ones to them). It goes on like that until I get close to the end…then I have to do a count-ahead and make sure I have 3 saved for them, then at least 3 for me before I give them their 2nd to last bites. And the bulldog puppy stands on her hind legs the entire time w/ her face right at counter-top level drooling COPIOUS amounts on my pant leg. So I go to work every single morning w/ a drenched right knee…but the dogs are very happy!

    They didn’t much care for it when I was on an oatmeal thing before the mini-wheats.

  6. Comment by miles archer | 04.11.2016 | 4:19 pm

    Try trick to all of the stunt diets is that you get tired of eating the same thing all the time. If this diet works for you, then great.

    (typo – search for “burn spend”, it’s about halfway down)

  7. Comment by spaceyace | 04.11.2016 | 5:07 pm

    “Some study” I once read said that we humans crave crunchy foods in stressful situations. I substitute baby carrots for potato chips. At 180 calories per pound of carrots, I’ll turn orange and die of beta carotene poisoning before I gain an ounce.
    Now, with Oatmeal Squares & (almond) milk, I have a complete diet. Truly a genius idea.

  8. Comment by fat bike racer | 04.11.2016 | 7:17 pm

    Ah, the old fatty is back! Next up, a great new job! I can sense it.

  9. Comment by Wife#1 | 04.11.2016 | 8:22 pm

    Am I the only one who will admit that even 10 bowls of cereal (portioned to meet the one serving size caloric breakdown), would not begin to make me feel full? ;-)

    I see wheatbelly in your future, dude.

    What about an all-you-can-eat corn dog diet? True you have to cook them, but it’s not hard. And they are delicious with mustard, which has very few extra kcals. And protein. And fat. Mmmm…..

  10. Comment by Jonathan | 04.11.2016 | 9:04 pm

    Cereal: My mother would be proud and the wife would just roll her eyes. Oatmeal squares are just ever so yummy, especially the brown sugar ones. Trying to drop some weight myself, I ended up getting some Koshi (spelling?) cinnamon oatmeal squares from Costco. Even the kids love them!

    Which usually means I get less…

  11. Comment by rb | 04.11.2016 | 10:56 pm

    You mean eating 2 desserts is NOT the right plan? I’m shocked.

  12. Comment by Tom in Albany | 04.12.2016 | 6:31 am

    I think if you live on Fiber 1, you have half a shot of losing weight. Especially the oldest version of Fiber 1.

  13. Comment by Mark in Bremerton | 04.12.2016 | 9:33 am

    What happened to the egg whites and avocado diet?

    Shredded Wheat (the big biscuits crushed in the bowl) and Cheerios together are my go to breakfast cereals. With few exceptions or special occasions, I’ve been eating this for breakfast, and other times too, since 1980. Never gets old, but adding the fruit of the season keeps it new and exciting.

  14. Comment by Jeff Dieffenbach | 04.12.2016 | 12:54 pm

    On one of the FattyCasts, I think we learned that “egg whites and avocados” became “4 egg whites and 2 yolks and avocados.”

  15. Comment by Ferde | 04.12.2016 | 1:32 pm

    “I see you’re drinking 1%. Is that ’cause you think you’re fat? ‘Cause you’re not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to”

  16. Comment by Nic Grillo | 04.12.2016 | 5:01 pm

    Hmm. Apparently I’m doing this wrong. So I should give up my sausage and egg breakfast sandwich, my five guys lunch, and my steak dinner for cereal? Is it really that simple? I thought I just wasn’t riding enough!

  17. Comment by Felipe P. | 04.13.2016 | 4:00 am

    Yay for Quaker Oatmeal Squares! I agree with you wholeheartedly Fatty, Oatmeal Squares are the best cereal on the planet. BUT, there must be something very wrong with the nutritional info table you posted, OR, maybe you buy a monster, Costco-size box I’m not aware of… TENTY NINE servings per box???? No way. It takes me TWO BOWLS of cereal to consume a “regular” box of quaker squares, which usually means that a box disappears in one day: A bowl for breakfast, with milk, and a second bowl as “snackage” later in the day (we buy a lot of Quaker Squares on grocery day at my house). Does this mean I’m already on the Fatty eight-regular-bowls-per-day diet? I didn’t think my cereal bowls were that outrageously large! Maybe this is why I can’t seem to drop the 5 lbs I’m trying to eliminate to get back to my racing weight for Rockwell. Damn it! Don’t tell me I have to eat fewer of these delicious, crunchy, tiny pillows from heaven!

  18. Comment by UpTheGrade, SR, CA | 04.13.2016 | 8:02 pm

    Fatty, I honestly thought you’d have made a fortune already by patenting and selling your inspired Egg White and Avocado diet. Though with your new diet I can imagine Pepsico, owner of Quaker, will be offering you a huge endorsement and promotional deal in short order – 10 bowls a day! Some marketing manager is drooling all over his blank endorsement proforma just thinking of signing you up.

    Having tried both, I’m sticking to the former for now, but if the latter works for you I’ll be slamming bowls of cereal like a pro cyclist.

  19. Comment by UpTheGrade, SR, CA | 04.13.2016 | 8:20 pm

    I’ve just been thinking. You’ve got to go big with this Fatty. This could be your ticket to the big-time. Just look at Alan Lim of “Skratch Labs” and the stuff he is pushing. Don’t you think pro cyclists have been looking for a delicious non-fattening alternative to the bird-food they are normally forced to eat. You have the answer, and they’ll love you for it. You could call your outfit “Skratch This” (you’re welcome) to gain instant name street cred. It may seem incongruous to expect a cyclist to eat a bowl of cereal while riding along, but I’ve seen their bike handling skills and this would be as easy for them as riding over your competitor’s downed bike without even spilling a drop. This is an opportunity you can’t ignore, you’ve got to go after this, it could be your ticket to a whole new chapter in your life, or at least next comedy book.

  20. Comment by Ben | 04.21.2016 | 12:05 am

    Oatmeal Squares are the undisputed king of cereals. They are the perfect cereal. They are the perfect snack. They are the perfect meal replacement. Bring a baggie of them on a long car drive. Keep kids quiet at church? Give them Oatmeal Squares. Out of popcorn? Munch on Oatmeal Squares during that Netflix binge. But warning: they must be purchased in bulk… Costco double bags or you feel as if you are constantly being ripped off by the MAN.
    As for your diet…. not gonna work. They are too good. Mild starvation is the only way, as sad as that is.

    It’s like you’re in my head. – FC


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