The Rockwell Relay Race Report, Part 8: Blind Panic
A Note from Fatty: In just a couple days, I’ll have the new Fat Cyclist gear available to order (and ship!). Meanwhile, here are a few shots of a few of us in the new gear at the finish line of the Crusher in the Tushar last weekend (no spoilers, I promise!).
The Hammer runs alongside The Monster at the finish line.
Keep on riding, keep on running….
The Hammer and Fatty, tired and happy.
Podium also makes a great place to get a group photo with race director Burke Swindlehurst (left) and David H (center).
The Rockwell Relay Race Report, Part 8: Blind Panic
Later, we’d have plenty of time to talk about the “why.”
Specifically, why would the van — the super-nice Mercedes-Benz Sprinter van Cory had loaned us from the SBR bike shop for the trip — start rolling after sitting motionless for between eight and ten minutes?
Right now, though, I had more important things to think about. Like, was the van done moving forward, or was it just taking a break before it finished sliding into the ditch?
And even if it was done sliding, how would we get it back on the road?
And if we got it back on the road, would it even work?
Was it damaged beyond repair?
I was overwhelmed. Completely, utterly, absolutely overwhelmed.
The Beast is Back
So while Lindsey did her job (resolutely standing on the brake) and Ben did his job (hanging off the bike rack), I ran into the road and waved down vehicles as they came by, hoping against hope that someone would have what we needed to rescue our van.
I think it’s a credit to folks that every single vehicle I waved to at least stopped.
The first couple vehicles said something along the lines of, “Sorry, we don’t have anything that could help,” and continued on.
Then a grey vehicle — pulled over. One I had seen numerous times during the race.
It was Farrell, the very muscular “Beast” of Beauties and the Beasts. The guy we had just strategized an attack on about an hour ago.
The dramatic thing would have been for Farrell to have laughed, spat, and driven away. Unfortunately for drama’s sake, though, Farrell turned out to be one of the nicest, friendliest beasts I’ve ever met (and in fact eventually sent me the picture you see above). Also, he was calm, which on its own was very helpful.
He and his wife didn’t have any tools or gear that would help us get out of our predicament, but they didn’t go on, even though I’m sure they would have liked to get back to their own racer.
They stuck around to help, any way they could.
In another minute or so, another car pulled over. This time, the driver had some nylon rope. Not ideal, but better than the nothing we had before.
The rope was in a bit of a snarl. Probably not too bad in reality, but in the mental state I was in, it was essentially a Gordian knot.
My hands were shaking; I was worthless. I handed the rope over to Farrell. He began to work on desnarlifying the rope, as people wondered aloud whether there was any chance this rope, even if it were doubled or tripled, would pull the van out of the mess I had put it into.
Hand-Wringing and Hand-Waving
Relieved of the responsibility of untangling rope or standing on the brake or hanging off the end of the bike rack, I took up the responsibility for looking down the road and hoping for — magically — some kind of extraordinary piece of luck. Something that would just pop us back onto the road. A tow truck or something like that.
This was, of course, absurd. We were out in the middle of nowhere, on a small, narrow, mountain road.
I fretted about the fact that The Hammer would be needing water by now, although I wasn’t terribly concerned. I knew from experience that every single race vehicle out there would be more than happy to hand her a bottle if she needed one.
Hey, we’re competing, but we’re also still people.
That said, The Hammer was really moving fast. Before too long, I expected she’d get to the end of her leg of the race, and nobody would be there.
Then what?
I kept staring down the road, no longer really waving everyone down, but people kept pulling over, asking if we needed more help. “Only if you know how to pull this van out,” I said.
Nobody had the equipment needed.
And then a big truck — it looked a lot like a tow truck, in fact — appeared.
I immediately went into absolute maximum waving-you-down mode. Jumping up and down. Waving both hands in the air. Yelling “Help!”
The truck went by and kept going.
Or…wait…brake lights!
Was it going to turn around?
No, it had just been braking for the bend in the road.
Damn. Damn damn damn damn damn.
No, there were the brake lights again, and it was pulling over.
I started laughing in a way that was just a little too close to crying.
Which seems like a good place for us to pick up in the next installment of this story.
Comment by Don | 07.11.2016 | 1:52 pm
Sharks, I want MORE sharks!!
Your friend,
Don
Comment by GenghisKhan | 07.11.2016 | 2:10 pm
This truck?
Comment by Jeff Dieffenbach | 07.11.2016 | 2:38 pm
Executive summary
1. Someone started to untangle a rope
2. A truck may have stopped
Comment by AKChick | 07.11.2016 | 3:03 pm
Yay! Rescue is imminent! (Hopefully)
I LOVE THE NEW WOMEN’S KIT!
Comment by wharton_crew | 07.11.2016 | 3:18 pm
I was hoping that the Beast would simply laugh, flex, and then dead-lift your van from the ditch — all without breaking a sweat.
Comment by Kacey | 07.11.2016 | 3:25 pm
Pretty sure The Monster crushed me up the first climb. I passed her early on and then ten minutes later she came flying by me. Didn’t see her again after that. I asked her to spill the beans about the ending to this story but she wouldn’t budge.
Comment by Jeff Dieffenbach | 07.11.2016 | 3:29 pm
Wait, a comet!? Is that another cliffhanger-to-be? [smile]
Comment by Andy@WDW | 07.11.2016 | 5:26 pm
And we STILL don’t know the split between the Hammer and BatB!
Comment by walter | 07.11.2016 | 5:29 pm
You are killing me with suspense! How in the world does a van, teetering on the edge of a small cliff, a nylon rope and tow truck result in smashed bike helmets? OK, that sounds like a beginning of a joke. . .
Comment by Corrine | 07.11.2016 | 7:13 pm
@walter, that does sound like the beginning of a joke. I’ve been wondering the same thing too. So many questions. So few answers. Please, Fatty, get to the answers soon. You have to finish this race report so you can do a Crusher in the Tushar report before the next race happens!!!!!!
I love the women’s kit, too. Do they run normal size? Small? Large?
Comment by Islandrunnergirl | 07.11.2016 | 8:49 pm
You. Are. Killing. Me. Please relieve the suspense and tell us how this all ends!!
Comment by miles archer | 07.11.2016 | 9:25 pm
Why did the van move? It’s a sprinter and it wanted to race!
Comment by davidh-marin,ca | 07.11.2016 | 9:35 pm
@Corrine @AKChick
Having seen the women’s kit firsthand I intend to order one for myself. Curious to see how an xlarge fits.
There may be NO pictures,.
Comment by Tom in Albany | 07.12.2016 | 5:34 am
Did The Monster get to design the women’s kit? It matches her bike and shoes in the Crusher photos to a T!
My 9.5 over/under is going to have to exclude the two episodes about the tilted van. I wasn’t counting on non-racing drama! (Though it certainly did cause some racing drama!!)
Comment by Jonathan | 07.12.2016 | 6:36 am
Im pretty sure that a comet crashing to earth would help push the van back on all fours. Either that or the blast would send the van closer to its death. Both outcomes would make for a great story, but still a rather short Executive Summary according to Jeff D.
Comment by MattC | 07.12.2016 | 12:26 pm
OK…I have it figured out…you used the helmets in a desperation-frenzy as wheel-chocks for 2 wheels that were still touching the ground because Lindsey is cramping up holding the brakes all this time, and if she lets off for even a moment to switch people the van will finish it’s slide into the ditch. Done. Let the comet come.
Comment by AKChick | 07.12.2016 | 12:32 pm
@Corrinne The kits are by DNA. In my experience, they run small as compared to Twin Six. I have DNA two jerseys and one pair of shorts (my absolute new fav, except they don’t go with anything other than the FC jerseys since they are red and black). I plan on ordering more DNA shorts. They fit very tight, but they don’t look bad and the comfort level is AMAZEBALLS. Those puppies help me set a QOM-I’m firmly convinced. I was a little worried about the chamois since I’ve been wearing tri shorts for several years now or the T6 bibs, but it is really comfortable. I find thicker padding, even for long rides (50+ miles), really uncomfortable. DNA shorts are just awesome. I am very, very busty so the XL jersey barely fits my chest. I find the relaxed fit or sport jersey is more of a race cut that you find with other companies. They are really nice though.
@David-H – photos, yes! ;)
Comment by davidh-marin,ca | 07.12.2016 | 2:56 pm
@AKChick I’m not posting my ‘muffin top’ for you or anyone else.
You can thank me later.
Comment by AKChick | 07.12.2016 | 4:35 pm
@davidh – oh come on! :) You’re no fun. Also, I’ve seen you in person and I don’t believe you have a muffin top!
Comment by Corrine | 07.12.2016 | 10:30 pm
@AKChick – thanks for the advice. @davidh – we want pictures. Come on!!
Comment by zovier | 07.21.2016 | 4:12 am
The Kits was Nice